Feb 5, 2016

Making it snappy...

Hello my favorite Bachelor loving people. 
This week I did something a little different. 
I took copied an idea from my girl Grace and decided to snap my way through my rewatching of the episode. 
You can see my in all my glory here: 

To be continued....

Some notes: 
I found out how to add captions to videos...I'm now Steven Spielberg. 
Please address me as such. 
Also it lags a little bit so just push the little tracker ahead and it will continue to play the video. 
That's the film director technical term for it. 
Next week I'll be back to a regular recap but I'll be recapping through Snapchat too!

video via abc.com
please don't sue me.

Feb 1, 2016

Viva Las Vegas aka Dropping a twin off at home...

After last week's dumpster fire of an episode, we were all hoping for a little joy this week.
Chris Harrison, came in to let everyone know that Ben wasn't in LA anymore and in fact had moved on....

What the fu....


A little rough in the delivery since last week was predominately about death but whatever: VEGAS!

Once the women got to Vegas, a sign on a big screen somewhere in the city said:

"Hi Ladies,
Welcome to Las Vegas!
Love, Ben"

Everyone flipped out.
One girl even said it made her feel so loved.
If a generic sign for 15 women dating the same man makes you feel loved, life is going to be hella easy for whoever scoops her up.

The women stayed at the Aria.
Someone made the comment that they wouldn't be there if it wasn't for Ben.
Or the producers....
Or ABC....
Or whoever built the Aria.

So here's where things start to break down for me.
Olivia, is so "zen with Ben" and she would love to have the 1:1 date with him.
Because he's her man and she's the front runner. 
She's confident when the date card shows up.
So confident in fact, that she's smiling like this:
I'm cute and endearing everyone...look.
When Jojo's name is read,
Olivia is still cool.
Still zen.

Except that when he shows up for their date.
She is NOT ok.
She is having a v. hard time and needs reassurance ASAP
Editing is key on this show and her outfits are always different...but is she crazy?
Because she seems a little crazy.

Ben and Jojo have some champs on the roof top while all the girls watch from the hotel.
Then a helicopter shows up and literally tries to murder them. 
The helicopter is back this season...with a vengeance. 

The date with Jojo was fairly bland.
There were fireworks on the roof top, which everyone in the hotel could see.
Naturally they all took that very hard. 
Especially the twins, 
why are they interviewing like they do in "Step Brothers?"
who would have loved to watch fireworks from a roof top in their city. 

After the group date card arrived and 53 names were read, including Olivia's she says she wanted that 1:1 to keep her head up.
But like 2 mins ago she was confident and ready to give us the weather and traffic updates like every good reporter.
Becca (praise!) got the 1:1 and Olivia continued to plot murder.

The group date was ....just a hot mess all around.
There was Terry with the creepiest puppets you've ever seen.
For a ventriloquist, he moved his lips a lot.
The date was figuring out their talents for a talent show that was going to be in front of Terry's live audience of 1200 people.
Terry reassured the women by saying, that Vegas was the toughest crowd in the world.
If you count being drunk and vomiting in the audience as tough, sure Terry, sure.
They also probably aren't the coolest to a grown man with gross puppets.

The entire date was focused on Olivia and her amazing talent.
She was going to show a different side of herself and was feeling 100% confident.
Again: editing is key on this show but she seemed real into whatever she was going to do.

The other talents were to be expected:
Jubliee plays the cello.
The Twins Irish step danced.

Those were the only two real highlights because everything else was focused on Olivia dressed like a show girl in the hallway. 

She kept alluding to the fact that she was going to do a little "shimmy shimmy" and a little "wham shabam." 

Back on stage a cake was wheeled out. 
And Olivia jumped out of it barefoot.
She did in fact give us a little shimmy shimmy
 but I don't remember any "wham shabam." 

I also don't know about jumping out of a cake. 
Jumping into a cake....seems like a better idea. 
Overall she was just awkward and terrible but it wasn't like she flashed the audience or sang, 
"Happy Birthday Mr. President."
And for that I thank her. 

Ben was clearly moved...by her performance.

Her confidence after that was apparently non-existent after that and had a panic attack backstage.
Everyone knows that panic attack = attention. 
When Ben didn't come back stage she wrapped it up real quick. 

The rest of the night was...equally as awkward.
Ben called Chick Flick a Sex Panther.
Which you know what they say, 60% of the time it works every time.
There was a lot of talk about the Little Ben/Big Ben.
A lot of puppet make out action which is so gross.
Who knows what Terry does to those things when no one is around.

Olivia interrupted Ben after about two minutes with another girl,  and told him how terrible she felt.
Then in a rare turn of events, Olivia got interrupted.
Olivia verbalized her feelings by saying she felt, "Funkadelic."
Rad man.
Lauren B was adorable as per usual. 
Then as Ben was talking to one of the twins Olivia interrupted AGAIN. 
As she lurked in the corner you could hear Ben say, 
"I don't know what's going on, I'm sorry."
Ben tells her to lock it up and that she was fine. 
The group date rose went to Lauren B. and Olivia continued on her spiral.

Becca (for President)'s date was last.
A wedding dress was delivered,

and as Jubliee pointed out she was the perfect person to wear white.
....Jubliee also said that no one should be worried because if she hadn't lost it in 26 years she wasn't going to lose it tonight.
She may be complicated and weird, but she's hilarious.
(Jubliee for Vice President.)

Becca arrived and when Ben got down on one knee.
All my dreams came true.
Then he asked her if she would marry....other people with him.

Newly ordained Ben and Becca as his hype man married several couples.

The last was the most concerning....
I'm afraid she was being held against her will...

They went to a neon lights place for dinner and had an adorable conversation about commitment and her decision to stay a virgin until marriage.
I'm not a religious person but it was really cool for her to stand up for her faith and her decision and not be ashamed by it.
Ben really respected that and their conversation further proved that they are perfect for each other.

Finally, there was an impromptu 2:1 date with the twins. 
They were in Las Vegas already so it made sense to drop one or both of them off. 
Plane tickets aren't cheap. 

The twins said that they did everything together. Shared a car, had the same job, wore the same clothes. 
Essentially they are "Sister/Sister"-ing America. 
Once they got home and talked to their mom (who could be their triplet) 
it was confirmed that the Twins were actually teenagers.

Ben was allowed in the rooms and it was like a Delia's catalog and Claire's built a house.

In the end Haley was left in the dust. 
Emily was sad.
But not that sad

The cocktail party was a lot of Olivia lurking and trying to redeem herself,

Although she felt they were back to being on track, she was the last one to get a rose....again. 
However she said it was because "Benjamin" was giving her a sign. 
Bless her. 

After their conversation she went to talk to Jojo. 
She said that she told Ben that she loved him. 
Jojo told her that she would never say something unless it was reciprocated back, to which Olivia said, 
"It was."

She's playing a dirty game. 
And talking in third person a lot more than usual. 
The showdown is coming and I can't wait. 

Amber and one of the brunettes was sent home. 
She  kicked off her shoes and went to sit on the couch to weep...and wait for her bus to arrive that would take her directly to "Bachelor in Paradise."

What did you think about this week?
Any standouts that I missed?
What do you think about Olivia?
Awesomely edited or actually bananas?

all images via abc.com

Jan 23, 2016

The Most Depressing Jubilee of All...

Is it just me or was this week super uncomfortable? 
Between the crying, talk of friends and family dying, it made me long for the days of Juan Pablo telling us "S'ok." 

JK he was the worst. 

No one even saw the sob fest coming because it started like every other Bachelor episode: 
Talking shit about Olivia. 
According to Mom-anda and Jojo, Olivia was claiming that she spent $40,000 on clothes for her venture to the show. 
I don't know who else besides Beyonce has that kind of money. 
Where do you even go to buy that many items of clothing? 
Also that's a lot of garments to stuff into 3 suitcases. 

Then Chris Harrison comes in and mentions the heaviness in the room. 
Essentially he says, "It's heavy in here. Sucks right? Only gets worse. Lauren B you have date. Everyone else, your day is boring. Later losers. Harrison out."

"I care about this much how you feel...except not really even that much."
When Lauren B's name was announced Olivia smiled but you could see in her eyes that she was debating whether she should unhinge her jaw and swallow LB whole like an anaconda. 

"I'll kill her right now."-Olivia

As they drove up to the date Lauren B realized they were going to an airport. 
For someone who is a flight attendant she seemed a little freaked out about being near a plane. 
I don't know if she thought she would have to work or what, but she was not feelin' it. 
"Great date...can't wait to walk up and down this damn aisle with a trash bag. How old are you Ben? Because if you not 15 you can't sit in an exit row." 

Once Ben assured her that she wasn't in fact in charge of blankets and peanuts, they hopped into a small death machine plane to do "tricks." 

Hard pass.

The whole time they were up in the air they tried to kiss and their microphones kept getting in the way. 
I lol'd so much.

They flew over the mansion
 and all the women came out with missiles their booze to watch.
Olivia couldn't handle the fact that Ben was potentially with Lauren B. having feelings.
Sorry girl...it was happening. 

After you fly for an hour in a stunt plane what's the logical next thing to do on your date?
If you guessed sit in a hot tub in the middle of nowhere and make out you would be RIGHT! 
Congratulations. You are truly a Bachelor Nation expert. 
I'm proud to know you. 

I don't know if the hot tub from the Ride Along date was a good price or it's an addition to the usual helicopter/private concert.

They made out for awhile and talked about their dads. 
Ben loves his parents and it's the most precious. 
Lauren B told him she wanted to meet his family and freaked out. 
She didn't want to be too forward.
To be clear, "I would love to meet your family" is not "I'm going to be your only family," which is what would happen if he married Olivia.
Kinda like Debbie did to Uncle Fester in "Addams Family Values."

Ben is the worst at concealing surprises. 
He's always like, "Come with meeeeeheheheehe." 
So naturally when he guided Lauren to their next location and,
Lucy Angel, everyone's favorite (???), was there, we were 0% surprised. 

Ben in real life. 

The group date was next and all but 4 ladies had their names on the card.
There was a pun about soccer and all of a sudden I started having Juan Pab flashbacks.
I know I said earlier that I missed him, but I don't.
I really don't.

 The Women's Soccer champs were there to show them what was up.
Everyone was pretty terrible but uber competitive.
Especially when Chris Harrison came out to tell them that the losing team would be going home with no extra time with Ben.
Eat your heart out Juan Pablo

Both twins were on the date but on separate teams. 
They declared a twin off. 
One seemed a little more cool with murdering the other one if necessary. 

Ben was as usual adorable running up and down the field. 
He was like a pumped up Dad cheering for everyone. 
When one of the girls on the other team got hurt, Olivia surprised me. 
She said that she hoped she was ok and wanted her to get back up.
Could my ears be deceiving me? 
Was that something nice?
Then she said, "Once she gets up and plays hurt I'm going to exploit it."
There it is.

Amber scored the winning goal and off they went to the after party. 
Olivia, a member of the winning team, didn't let been finish his sentence before she asked if she could steal him. 
Then from the stairwell she waved down to the women. 
1. That dress does not look like a $40 let alone $40,000. 
2. She's a crazy person. 
Down at the party the women start to comment on Olivia's bad toes. 
Because everyone knows what they say about girls with bad toes. 
They're heinous buttholes.

When confronted by the women for being so aggressive she claimed that she wasn't just going to sit around and drink water. 
We know that's not water. 
The rest kind of went like this: 
"Am I aggressive? Yes. Do I have bad toes? Yes. I'm as complicated as the next person. I'm complex."

Amber ended up getting the rose for the date.

Olivia said it didn't matter because when Ben got up he pushed off her leg. 
That was totally a sign that he wanted her to know he cared for her. 

He put his hand up on my hip. When I dip he dips we dip.
Basically like how "The Notebook" started. 

If I thought there was a message in hot dude who brushed by me, I would be in several committed relationships. 
........I'm rethinking everything....

Back at the mansion Jubliee, Jojo, Becca, and Chick flick wait to see who's name is on the date card. 
Jubliee spent most of the week pouting because she's more complicated than the other women and in no way going to get the date card. 

It is a personal pet peeve when people claim that they are complicated. 
Everyone has a past, some much rougher and more terrible than others, but please...hush your beak. 
This has been a Jones Public Service Announcement.
Although she was sulking a lot what I respect about Jubilee is that she's not afraid to do an interview in zit cream. 
Go girl.
Be you. 

Much to her surprise Jubilee DID get the date card. 

The day of the date Jubliee is awkward AF. 
He shows up late. 
She points it out. 
Not to be mean...just to joke but the girls don't speak sarcasm and haven't seen any teen angst movies so they don't get it. 

All of a sudden they hear a helicopter overhead and everyone but Jubliee is well...


As they walk outside our old friend, the helicopter, lands in the driveway. 
Sup y'all, I'm back.

Jubliee who is terrified of heights asks if anyone else wants to go on the date. 
Everyone raises their hands and is offended that she is not appreciative. 
Clearly she doesn't have comedic timing but is not the monster they all claim. 

The ride in the helicopter is one of the longest and as the continued to fly I was curious if they were actually going to Jurassic Park...

Instead it was a spa in the hills. 
They tried caviar. 
It was gross. 
Jubilee said she was obsessed hot dogs. 
Everyone it wasn't a euphamism for something else. 
She called Ben, "white boy," he laughed, she explained what she meant by it for 10 mins. 
She tells him he's always stressed and needs to relax which is confusing because he seems pretty chill at all times. 
Ben said he likes her because she makes him blush. 
I have never heard a man say that before, probably because it's not 1954, but he continues on his precious campaign and I'm all about it. 

Jubs is just awkward which is uncomfortable to watch. 
I get second hand anxiety when watching tv, as most normal folks do, and it only increased when she mentioned that her whole family died. 
That's so terrible and hard to navigate during a conversation. 
Ben told her how strong she was and it was very sweet. 
Although she is uncomfortable to watch, she's not a bitch. 
So it's confusing to see how much the women don't like her, and how they react when she comes home from the date.  

During the cocktail party, Ben announces to the ladies that his close family friends died in an airplane crash.
He was upset but happy to be with the women. 
A tense episode just got a little more uncomfy. 

Olivia, always #1, asked to speak to Ben. 
Here was her chance to really reach out to Ben and give him the support he needed. 
Instead she said, 
"People have written blogs about my cankles." 
She then began to tear up, and say, "I try to be strong all the time...but....my cankles." 

I know that they edit A LOT on this show but I can't imagine a scenario where they cook up something so random.
Even Ben was like, "I'm.....sorry?"

Jubliee pulled him aside even though she had a rose. She "set up" a massage table for Ben and rubbed him down for awhile. 
It was weird, yes. 
Unfathomable, no.

The women, including Amber (who also had a rose), lost their minds as they shoved food in their faces, in the kitchen for their weekly eating session.

Amber decides that it's time to confront Jubilee as she lays outside by herself. 
(Ok...odd...but no one is nice to her so snuggle away gf.)

Here's the convo:
Amber: We need to talk.
Jubilee: No. 
Amber: Yes. C'mon. We just want to talk to you. 
Jubilee: No. 
Amber : Fine. We'll come to you. 
Jubilee: Nah.

As Jubilee ran upstairs from the ladies and their pitch forks, Amber followed her and literally said literally 40 times. 
According to Amber, it literally offended people and literally hurt them, when Jubilee said she didn't want to go on her date. 
Ben, who makes his way upstairs to check on Jubs, shut Amber down and said that Jubliee is fine and doesn't need to worry about what's being said. 

Amber is officially the worst. 
She's a pot stirrer and annoying. 
And I'm pretty sure Ben saw her behavior for what it was. 
Hopefully she'll be regulated to "Bachelor in Paradise" forever. 

Before the rose ceremony, Lace began to break down. 
Not in a "I swear I'm not crazy way," but in a "I need to love myself better first" way. 
She told Ben she hoped to find someone like him in the future but that she had to go and work on herself. 
I cried out, "DON'T LEAVE US LACE!"
But it was too late....she was gone. 

The rose ceremony was like any other, but the first time Olivia had to go through one without a rose. 
Naturally she was confident she was safe, but as the roses dwindled she kept saying things like, 
"He's saving the best for last." 
And he saved her for last alright...probably to see how sturdy her cankles actually were. 

Hopefully next week, we're back to light hearted Mean Girl behavior, and Olivia's weird declarations of love. 
What did you think? 
Was it as cringeworthy to you as it was to me? 
Who are YOUR favorites so far? 
(You know mine: Becca Tilley for President)