Jun 29, 2015

Dublin? More like Dubmen....That's a stretch

If this season isn't a recipe for intense arm pit sweat I don't know what is...
We open this week with Ian berating Kaitlyn. 
He said that the guys on the show are on vacation 
(Besides Clare Danes in "Brokedown Palace," these guys may be having the least relaxing vacay)
 and that they only talk about sex and make poop & fart jokes...  
If you ask me farts are always funny, so either I'm perfect for every dude in that room or Ian needs to get a life. 

Probably both. 

Ian tells her that he was hoping that she would still be heart broken so that he could swoop in and take advantage. 
Kaitlyn needed to appreciate how deep Ian was, because Princeton didn't teach cheesy movie quotes.
Basically, he was kind of a big deal, his apartment smelled of rich mahogany, and he had many leather bound books. 
He said because Kaitlyn was such a bad Bachelorette he knew what it takes to be a great Bachelor. 
He also stated that he needed some sex.
Cue up Katy Perry y'all because Ian was the one that got away...

Nick seeing his opportunity swooped in to make sure Kaitlyn was ok. 
He tells her he wants to know her inside and out ....and if you've watched last week you already know what I know about what they did so.....
Yuck.

Shawn is also concerned so he goes to check on her AND SEES HER MAKING OUT WITH NICK.
Did I yell "AVERT YOUR BEAUTIFUL LAKE WATER BLUE EYES!" at my TV? 
Maybe. 

He looked so hurt---and he continued to seem bummed the rest of the episode. 
I know, I know...he signed up for this all inclusive vacation knowing the risk of being dumped but dang:

By the way, all of this happens
BEFORE the damn rose ceremony. 
So much is going on that Cupcake declares he'd pull out one of his teeth for a rose. 
To be fair, he's a dentist, has the proper tools, and it would probably be a back molar so what's the real sacrifice? 

After the rose ceremony, Joshua left to weld himself another rose to play the least satisfying game of, "She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not." 

They find out their going to Dublin, and Cupcake says that Kaitlyn is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 
I was half expecting him to say, "She's after me hearts, and I'll give her me stars" but then realized he would probably refrain from Lucky Charms jokes as it's a sugary cereal and bad for one's teeth.

The first 1:1 date went to Nick. 

He makes a joke about getting lucky in Dublin---again....foreshadowing.

It started to feel like we had seen this episode before ---oh because we have:
Andi:

Kaitlyn:

HE'S EVEN WEARING THE SAME DAMN JACKET.

I don't know what it is about Nick that makes women love him so much. 
I've gotten some comments that he could be a shapeshifter and appears more attractive to the person he's preying on which is a valid point. 

In reality, if he was a breakfast he would be dry toast with tap water.
He's the pits and yet Katilyn treats him like he's Johnny from "Dirty Dancing."
(Yes--in 2015 Johnny from "Dirty Dancing" remains the pinnacle of all males in my eyes.)

The date consisted of them walking around, "river dancing," and buying Claddagh rings, and Chris Harrison having to yell "hand check" every 15-20 minutes because they couldn't stop touching each other.

That night, they have dinner in a church. 
Ok--they make out in a church. 
Even the statues were like "Ooo girl...get a hold of yourself."

They go back to her suite, go into her room, and have sex. 
They left their mics on so we were treated to Nick's romantic words of,
"I'm feeling for you."

Pack it up guys, because with lines like that how can you even compete with him? 
Cupcake, your sweet ride got towed from the driveway so you're on your own.

The fact that they were still mic'd up leads me to believe there was a lot of wrestling with cords. 
And the fact that a camera guy had to stand there filming a closed door for however long is creepy, disturbing, and a little bit funny all at the same time.

The next morning Kaitlyn went from being unapologetic for what happened, to remembering that Nick outted Andi on national television, and would have no problem telling the guys what happened. 

In the guys suite, Nick smugly tells them that he went back to Kaitlyn's room and talked for hours. 
The dudes quickly shut him down by saying that the same thing happened to Shawn...
"LOL"
Nick tells them things got intimate, but no one pries because they hate him and don't trust him. 


The group date card comes, and two names are left off the list. 
That means that JJ and Joe are on the dreaded 2:1. 
Remember when JJ was the villain? 

Those were the days. 

The group date sends the guys to an Irish wake where they celebrate the life of their dead girlfriend Kaitlyn. 

Ben H. summed it up nicely by saying, 
"Great. My girlfriend is dead. Now I'm single again.
Shawn says she couldn't take life anymore after spending a full day with Nick. 
Head Shoulders Chin and Eyebrows (too long?) said she was so talented with a terrible laugh. 
Ben Z then made it real by reminding us all about his mom's passing. 

I don't know if the producers are just constantly setting her up, but there is not one group date this girl can go through without getting reminded of someone's painful past. 

Luckily Mumford & Dads came to lighten the mood and everyone had a grand time. 



Until Chin got the group date rose and Shawn starts to have another break down. 
He talks to a producer that he trusts (uh-oh) and says that he feels like he can't do it anymore
 (no plz. never leave me Kaitlyn)

He tells the guys he loves her and somehow makes it back to her room. 
Kaitlyn is so happy to see him, but looks like she's going to crack and tell him what happened with Nick. 

Next week looks like a series of storming out rooms so have your inhalers armed and ready if that kind of thing makes you nervous. 
(Just me?)

At the very end, Brady wakes up from his 10th nap of the day to meet Britt's mom. 
She only refers to him as her friend and Britt seems concerned. 
Do we know if her and Brady are in a beanie contest? 
Because now it's just seeming a little forced...


The saga continues. 

What do you think? 
Are you still Team Shawn? 
Who do you think makes the most dramatic exit next week? 
Tell me in the comments! 

Jun 20, 2015

San Antonio? More like Man Antonio...

Yo... this season is stressful
The guys suck so bad (not you Shawn you're perfect and don't let anyone tell you different.)
Kaitlyn is only shown making out with dudes or looking like the host of a "What Would You Do?" reboot with the types of group dates they're going on.

I find myself wanting to fast word through conversations with some of these guys because they are truly --and I mean this from the bottom of my heart-- 
idiots. 

This week started off with the guys grilling Nick before the cocktail party// rose ceremony in the arctic tundra of Yankees stadium. 

Joshua began to crack and asked if Nick only thought Kaitlyn was a cool chick and not an amazing woman. 
It went on for awhile and we begin to realize that Joshua was less endearing and little more "stands outside your window with a boombox after one date."

During the cocktail party JJ uses her as a bat and then runs her around the bases, which would fulfill zero dreams on anyone's bucket list. 
The only time I want a man to run while carrying me is away from a fire...and even then don't worry about it bro. 

Guys complained about Nick but she showed them who's boss by making them stand on an iceberg known as the first baseline while she handed out roses. 
She then told the guys that they were going to the top romantic honeymoon location in the world:
San Antonio.

The 1st 1:1 Date: 

The first 1:1 date was with Ben H. 
They went to a two-step competition, where a woman who met her husband on the dance floor taught them the dance. 
Then the producers found the people who's ancestors lived in the town from "Footloose" to give us 1000 dance/love metaphors. 

We also met this sweet ghost, who could really get down.

They got tapped out of the competition which was a bummer...
but don't worry the producer's enjoyed the suspense of not knowing when you were going to get bounced so much that next summer they're bringing us: 
STEP UP TO THE STREETS BACHELORETTE ROULETTE DANCE COMPETITION PARADISE ISLAND.
4 Bachelorettes
 84 guys 
1 choreographer
1 beach 
1 high school cheerleading championship and 88 hearts on the line. 

Overall the date was cute. 
Ben H. seems pretty adorable but once you see Shawn B in action it's like no one else matters. 

What's that?
My crazy is showing?
Got it.

The Group Date: 

So this group date was probably borderline if not over the line offensive. 
This kid killed it with his traditional mariachi song. 
So much so that he is now also in the running for Kaitlyn's heart. 


The guys then had to write their own traditional mariachi songs (when will this reign of terror end?) and sing them in public to Kaitlyn. 

Naturally they needed to fit the part completely by wearing this: 

It was painful, but dates like these do prepare them for real life. 
Wait....

During the whole date Joshua kept talking about how he didn't trust the new guy. 
He kind of turned into an old timey sherriff saying things like, 

"I don't know but m'guy intuition is tellin' me somethin'..." 

Later in the date, Joshua took some time to show Kaitlyn how much she trusted her, by asking her to cut his hair while he was blindfolded. 

In a rusty bucket of the old timey saloon, there were clippers, scissors, and an eye mask. 
Did he have to ask the producers for those things? 
Because if so --hilarious.
He told her he trusted her completely which is a bold move. 
I took advice from my mom once to "get a shag haircut" because it would look "adorable." 


Agree to disagree Barb. 

If only his ability to trust was as in tuned with his ability to hate Nick...
Kaitlyn gave him a pretty stellar bald spot. 

During the evening Nick continues to essentially just breath which sends Joshua into another fury. 
He pulls Kaitlyn aside--AGAIN--and tells her that everyone hates Nick and can't stand that he's there. 
Kaitlyn flips the script and asks if that means that "everyone is lying to her."
Joshua starts cave because he realizes that he's poked a sleeping dragon. 
When he returns to the group he tells them that he was doing an interview. 
Kaitlyn comes to the group and confronts Joshua and the rest of the guys. 
Everyone realizes Joshua lied about the interview, and no one fesses up to how much they hate Nick. 
Joshua looks dumb and Nick gets the group date rose. 

Clearly Josh is in way over his head. 
And while he was sweet before, he's got tunnel vision. 
He wants to take out other dudes--but we all know that's not what gets you thru.
Poor guy. 

Second 1:1 Date: 

So I don't want to exaggerate, but uh....
Shawn B is the only person on this show that needs attention and I'm annoyed that we can't just skip to the final rose because he is the best. 

LOOK AT HIM:

LOOK.
AT.
HIM.

He is the Captain now.

Their date was perfect. 
I can't be snarky. 
He told a story about how he almost died and then said, 
"I could have missed out on all of this."
I MEAN WHAT? 
HOW DID HE SAY THAT AND NOT SOUND LIKE A DOUCHE?
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T....

He told her he was falling in love with her, 
and she said she was falling in love with him.
And then I said, "Hey guys I'm falling in love with you as a couple so if you break my heart I'll need you to handle the aftermath, and accept all my phone calls about what went wrong."

She said he could be the one she handed her final rose to, and so help me God, she better be telling the truth. 

Back at the House// Cocktail Party: 

Like most episodes this season, it looked like we weren't going to get a full rose ceremony. 
We were however, going to be treated, to Ian's "Bachelor" audition tape.

Ian said to Nick and to the producers, that he was a former model that defied death. 
My theory is that he's a former model due to his weird crop circle baldness. 
He said that he didn't find anything wrong with himself...but with her.

Ian claimed that he would make a great Bachelor, as he is a gift that you unwrap for life. 

I would rather have another season of Juan Pablo then ever watch an episode of Ian as the lead. 
I'm a little scared that if I say that 2 more times, a Beetlejuice situation will occur, and Juan Pablo will appear...but I'm willing to risk it to prove how much Ian suckkkkks. 

Clearly there was some editing done to his comments but he really started to lay it on by saying that Kaitlyn wasn't half as hot as his ex-girlfriend. 
There's probably a lot of reasons why that girl is his ex. 

At the beginning of the cocktail party, Kaitlyn canoed through Josh's tears, and found her way to Jared,formerly known as Eyebrows, now known as Chin thanks to a reader.
They make out and then Ian descends and tells her just how badly he doesn't like her.

He tells her that she's surface level, and only wanted to make out with guys. 
via

He goes for blood and she looks PISSED.

We were left with a "to be continued..." and y'all next week looks tense as hell. 
Shawn B gets mad, people get slept with, I cry. 
It all goes down and I need someone to hold me. 

What are you thinking? 
Stressed? 
Don't care? 
Tell me in the comments! 

Jun 11, 2015

A Whole New Girl....for Nick V.

Last week I was traveling around the great state of Virginia, so I wasn't able to catch up on all things "Bachelorette" until Tuesday of this week.

I know...I'm so brave.
Trust that I don't think you were drooling over your keyboards for my recap but I'm back in action for the rest of the season!

Last week was entirely extra.
Holy cannoli Tony...
His constant rage-outs made me believe that he wasn't really as centered as he would like us to believe.
Plus his constant references about missing his bonsai trees really proved he needed to go home.
Both Ben's were both all-stars but Clint and JJ were star crossed loves.

This season is all about the cliff hanger because we were met this week with Kaitlyn confronting Clint about his shady behavior.

Clint told Kaitlyn that even though he was, "best best best best best" friends and "very very very very close" he was there for her.
via
It was clearly a lie and she told him to bounce and say good-bye to his friends.

Clint made a small speech, and JJ IMMEDIATELY told him in front of everyone that Clint should really apologize to everyone for wasting their time.
You could see Clint's idea of a suns out guns out themed wedding disappear if a cloud of smoke.


The guys recognizing what a uber douche JJ continued to be, berated him for throwin' his boyf under the bus. 

JJ cried and slapped himself so hard in the face that I gasped. 
Clearly he has those kinds of "pep talks" alone 
in his apartment listening to "Everybody Hurts" regularly.

The guys were mostly glad that one half of the bromance was gone, as Clint rode in a mini van off into the night.

Chris Harrison came in and told them that they were leaving the mansion 
and going to New York  City! 

The first group date was a rap battle.
What could possibly go wrong?
JJ told us that he had never listened to a rap song in his life, which surprised no one.

I'm under the impression that his favorite album is just a track of his dad yelling at him telling him he never amounted to anything. 

Shawn B. said he was more of a country guy and I changed his name to Shawn Beeeeeeeee My Boyfriend. 
via 

It wasn't quite a singing date but it was equally as mortifying so I was glad when it was over.
Kaitlyn then ran to the back to see Ashley I. (Princess Corn Cob from Chris's season) and a slow terror started to come over my body when I realized that the dementor of all Bachelorette contestants was lurking over in the corner.

The douche chills ran over me, as soon as I saw him.
Nick Viall was there to see Kaitlyn. 
The only thing I could think was.... Kaitlyn:


According to Kaitlyn they had talked over text and social media and had a connection before she even knew there was a possibility for her to be the Bachelorette.

Nick, after checking in with Andi who now lives in New York City, decided that he couldn't pass up an opportunity to embarrass a woman on national television explore what he was feeling for Kaitlyn.

She asked him if he was going to stay, and he told her it was her choice.
After Kaitlyn talked to the guys, they were all pretty irritated that the dude that blasted Andi for sleeping with him, had the potential to come into the house.
 She realized how difficult of a choice it was to make.

They guys were upset because they felt that she wasn't confident in them, but to be honest....some of them didn't even want her to be the Bachelorette so why should she be?

After consulting her hairstylist and onion expert, Ashley S.  


Kaitlyn let Nick join the crew.

He'll fit right in.

The 1:1 date of the week went to Jared. 
Kaitlyn was clearly not in the right headspace knowing that Nick was going to move in. 
Jared reassured her that he was confident in their relationship, and one more guy wasn't going to shake that. 
My thought process through that whole conversation went like this: 
"Jared has a pointy face...very sharp angles......HE'S SO NICE TO HER."

Kaitlyn, feeling much better, read a note from Chris Harrison re: a surprise. 
And it was the best kind of surprise:
THE FIRST HELICOPTER OF THE SEASON!


The next group date was on Broadway. 

The men had to sing the best version of "A Whole New World," and dance to prove they were worth 1:1 time with Kaitlyn. 
I was hoping that the dude who actually plays Aladdin would use one of his three wishes to join the show because <> he a babe.


Cupcake ended up winning and y'all he is too cheesy. 
It hurts to watch him talk about things, and for some reason he reminds me of Darla's boyfriend from the "Little Rascals."

After making their Broadway debut, Kaitlyn takes him on a walk around Times Square.
Then to a secret location to climb up a billion flight of stairs, because nothing says "Let's see how much you love me," more than strenuous cardio.

After seeing the ball that drops on New Years Eve, Cupcake stated that it was wonderful being at the center of the universe with Kaitlyn. 

More like New Barf City amiright?

Cut to Nick wandering around with his rolling suitcase, entering the Knickerbocker, and riding in an elevator with the cutest old grandpa ever, the door opens and then 
New York skyline. 

We'll have to wait until next week when the guys make Nick do wall sits, drink warm beer, and sumo wrestle the fake Elmo in Times Square to initiate him into the group.

As an added bonus we were updated on Britt and Brady---the smelliest looking couple in California.
Apparently they're still in love and so happy! 
Hooray! 


Does anyone else feel bad for Kaitlyn?
Are people being extra hard on her this season? 
I kind of feel like the "Leave Britney Alone" guy whenever people attack her for her choices on Twitter. 
That's normal right?
I just have a hard time critiquing her when the guys suck so much. 

Do you have any favorites? 
Did Shawn B's abs woo you? 
Tell me! 

May 27, 2015

Amy Schumer for President




This week started with Kaitlyn looking out the window. Do you ever wonder why that's their go to shot? We know it's not organic....but apparently that how we know our Bachelorette is pondering.

Chris Harrison comes to check in and see how she is feeling about her new role.
He coyly asks her if it bothered her that some people who voted for Britt were still there, while sipping on his mason jarred lemon water a la Kermit



Kaitlyn said it was surely something she thought about, but felt good about the guys that were there.
She's all about the connection...and by connection she means her lips connected with another dude's.
Good for her. Do what you gotta do girl.

Next we caught up with Britt who was crying on her bed, looking like she hit up a Hot Topic and Pacific Sunwear before heading back to the hotel.

She calls her mom and starts "crying."
I say "crying" because I never seen any tears.
Which is a little creepy.
Britt tells her mom she's hasn't even had a chance to unpack and already has to leave.
I don't know why that was on her con list of why things sucked.
Now she doesn't have to repack her stuff....count it as a win, Boo.

Britt gets a knock at her door and it's the singing basset hound Brady, who has come to sweep her off her feet.

Naturally, they fall in love and are still together. 
#blessed

Back at the house they are getting read for the first group date of the season! 
The note says that the date may end with a ring.

The guys show up to an abandoned warehouse to find Kaitlyn filming what I'm assuming is  the end of a tampon commercial...


I thought the girl on the right was someone who was truly affected by her current coverage, but it instead it was boxing great, Laila Ali.  

The guys are going to learn how to box and then fight to the death each other. 
Kupah was super seemingly super into the work out and less about Kaitlyn which she pointed out to Laila. 
Laila then stung him with a literally bee. 
Muhammed Ali jokes. 
This blog has everything y'all. 

After learning the proper form, and all the lyrics to "Mama Said Knock You Out," the guys headed out to the boxing ring. 
A fun fact, the ring was set up in the same place the Hunger Games reaping occurred. 

One of the Ben's wins after knocking out Eyebrows...better known as Jared. 
He was carted off to the hospital while the other dudes got to have drinks on drinks with Kaitlyn. 
Halfway through a conversation, she receives a note that just says, 
"Come down stairs. I need to see you."

So naturally she just goes, because safety.

Eyebrows was downstairs waiting for her and told her that he just needed a lot of rest but wanted to see her and then they made out. 

During their encounter I started to kind of dig on 'Brows. 
Is he handsome or pretty? 
Or handsomely pretty? 
Because he's also got eyelashes for days.

One of the Ben's ended up getting the group rose because punching the hardest is hot. 

Next up was the first 1:1 date with Triceratops Clint. 

Kaitlyn took him do underwater photography shoots which according to her are all the rage right now....
Are they? 
Because if so....no thanks. 
Especially if this lady is in charge...


TriceraClint was also a little suspicious and a little afraid he was going to look like the dogs divin under the water for their toys, which made me have a pretty hearty chuckle.


After the photographer forced them to heat up their inner selves they took some pretty neat photos and then made out pretty hard in the pool. 

TriceraClint seems pretty presh. 
Man of few words but funny. 
Hopefully him and his glorious mane stick around for awhile. 

In anticipation for the second group date Crawl Space Tony was freaking out in the house. 
He kept making weird eye contact with the camera, and talking about how important his heart was in this whole process.

When the date card arrived and he was on the card, the only thing he kept repeating was, 
"Surprise, surprise. It looks like she noticed me."
Then while talking to the other guys about it he called Kaitlyn, Britt.
In it to win it folks. 
My hopes is that he gets kicked off soon and flies to "Bachelor in Paradise" to date crazy Ashley S. from last season. 
Match made in Heav.

The Bachelorette God shined down on us and blessed us with Amy Schumer. 
Not only was she perfect but she also made JJ look even more like an idiot. 
He kept telling people that he was usually 98% smarter than people in the audience to which Amy consoled him by saing, "I want to make you feel better by telling you, you're not."

He also wanted his opening line to be, 
"Hi I'm JJ. I have a kid, and I'm divorced."
To which she replied,
"I love that." 

JJ's "job" is "Former Investment Banker."
Do you think adding "unemployed" to his laundry list of an introduction would just ignite a passion too deep in a woman's heart that he left it off?

Amy summed it up best by saying she hoped he would look back on the episode, reflect a little on himself and not be such "a turd." 

Hero. She is mine. 

During the after party she talked to JJ, who cried about his daughter. 
She ended up giving him the rose for the night and I booed my TV. 


I continued to fall in love with the welder and am rooting for him to be in the top 3 so that he has a better chance to be the Bachelor. 
That's right...I'm hoping he loses. 
#noragrets

During the cocktail party before the rose ceremony Crawl Space Tony continued to be a stone cold weirdo and hoping he would be asked to leave and then climb a tree and live there in protest. 
But alas we'll never know because Kupah started a downward spiral that was truly fascinating. 

He asked Kaitlyn if she felt a connection with him, and wanted to make sure that she wasn't keeping him around to make the roster look better. 
His reference to the fact that the show seriously lacks diversity is totally valid, but seemed to get lost in his conversation with her about their connection and whether or not she really truly liked him. 

Kaitlyn insisted that she did have feelings for him, but was concerned that he was already doubting her intentions. 
She mentioned that she noticed he didn't talk to her during the group date, and seemed like he was more into the boxing than into her.
He replied that he was very uncomfortable during the date and really did not enjoy it. 
After their conversation went nowhere, Kupah told Kaitlyn that he still wanted to stay and felt a connection with her despite everything. Kaitlyn said she needed to think about it and went into the other room.
Kupah proceeded to go outside, and talk the most crap about her. 
Naturally Kaitlyn heard him, and told him she had to let him go.
Kupah said no and continued to drink, and then told her he didn't think it was bad that they were already fighting. 
When he finally realized it wasn't a negotiation, 
 
he started to fight with the producers and refused to answer their questions. 

Kaitlyn hearing him yell went outside to confront him again, and we were left with....

Scandal. 

I'm pretty impressed that Kaitlyn went back out to start Round 3 of their verbal sparring (get it boxing lingo?) instead of just watching from the window (what I would have done/do when I hear juicy stuff going on outside). 

Who knows what will go down, but if it's anything like what usually happens he probably calms down and leaves in a limo. 

Bye Kupah, we barely knew you. 

Until "Bachelor in Paradise" my friend, where we will definitely see you again.