Jan 12, 2017

Corrine? More Like Cor-run

Remember when Ben was the Bachelor, and the only thing we were all really scared of getting swallowed by Olivia like Pinocchio did with the whale?

Simpler times. 

Now we're all looking over our shoulders for the human tornado that is Corrine. 

That girl is the opposite of a real crowd pleaser, she's more of a prequel to a woman that ends up on, "Snapped." 

The first date was a group date where the women were different brides and bridesmaids being photographed by a man named Franco. At the end of the shoot, Franco would pick the winner, and they would be given something special.
Really just picture the makeover episodes of America's Next Top Model, and you'll be able to picture the scene. 
You might not be able to picture Franco though, so here: 
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As the women get ready, we learn that Corrine has never been a bridesmaid, which is weird because she seems like the kind of girl that has healthy empowering relationships with other women.

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Seeing as this is the women's second time being with Nick, there were a lot of comments about how confident they felt in their relationship with him. 
Pump those brakes ladies. 
We don't unpack that set of catchphrases for at least 1 more week. 

While one woman only wore a leaf to fit the Adam and Eve theme, most were pretty tame. 
Except for....Corrine. 
She was given "Beach Bride" naturally modelly a beautiful white string bikini. 
Her look would be found in the 90s Light Rock Music Video section at David's Bridal. 
Sweet fact though, that bikini was passed down to her by her nanny. 
Traditions...they really make an impact. 

Honestly, the most importit...sorry important thing that happened during that whole excursion is when Corrine hopped in the water with Nick, and took her top off. 
Risky...but fine. 

Then Ms. Jackson if your nasty's "Rolling Stone" cover came to her mind...

and she decided to reenact it with Nick.
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She yelled, "Nick, hold my boobs!"
And...he did. 
As one could imagine, the other women were really impressed with her creativity and didn't feel even a little bit threatened.
Everyone remained calm, and no one called her names. 
They showed a lot of maturity and growth. 

Just kidding, if drowning her in the pool wasn't going to have them modeling for a mugshot, I feel confident they would have been pushing each other out of the way to make it happen.

To add insult to the full frontal boobery, Corrine was deemed the winner of the group date and had another photoshoot with Nick. 
The picture they show on Dateline, before you find out she killed him.
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Here's the thing about Corrine, in case you haven't noticed, she ain't subtle. 

Which means at the cocktail party, she continued to talk about how great her relationship was with Nick. 
She also wanted to reiterate that Nick held her boobs. 
Her bare boobs. 
With his bare hands. 
She was also the first one to steal him, and then steal him again, and then yet again. 

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting Corrine
Interrupting Corrin-

Nick said he liked her initiative. 
She then gave him, a deep, "you belong in Azkaban," soul sucking kiss, while the other women tried to figure out how a dementor got through the background screening.

Corrine also received the group date rose. 
Which she said she got for, "JUST.BEING.CORRINE."
Then oddly said, "xoxo, Gossip Girl." 
She is, if nothing else, nailing her tag lines. 

That's so Raven, pointed out that if Nick was interested in someone who lead with sex appeal then maybe that's why he was on his fourth try. 

The 1:1 date went to Danielle. 

Hello 'copter my old friend...
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Their date was cute. They hung out on a yacht. 
Nick offered her a nice cheese plate.
She told him a very VERY sad story about finding her fiance dead after an overdose, and Nick was so sweet and kind to her. 

She got the rose and I'm hopeful that she stays around for awhile. 
She's got Lauren B vibes. 

Meanwhile back at the house Liz was trying to remain inconspicuous and not draw attention to her and Nick's previous relationship.
Everything is fine.
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She felt like she did need to process her feelings about everything so she decided to tell everything to Christen. 
Because she looked trustworthy and like someone who would keep her secret. 

Yes. Christen. 
The one who looks and acts like Gretchen Weiners. 
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Liz tells her the story of Jade & Tanner's wedding and how they hooked up. 
Christen said, she would never say anything to anyone ever about it.

Mini confession: Every time Liz says she slept with Nick nine months ago I keep thinking that she's going to say she's pregnant. 
Then I have to remind myself that she would have brought the baby with her, and would not have just found out she was pregnant. 

Btw, did anyone else notice that while Liz was cooking up her plan in the kitchen, one of the girls was passed out on a bench?

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Are women just playing dead so they don't have to talk to Corrine?
According to an article I read about the mansion, on Trulia (because I'm big into real estate..j/k I'm just nosey) it has 6 bedrooms, so she could have at least caught a nap in one them.
Or does she need assistance? 

Liz got the opportunity to talk to Nick she was hoping for, because she was on the group date card.
A group date at a museum for broken relationships. 

Nick's ring and rose for Kaitlyn were in a glass case of emotion  in the museum and he spoke to the women about how real that pain was, and how he could still put himself in that moment.

The way Nick keeps referring to his time on the show is starting to feel like that guy who graduated but still hangs out with the team and tells them about the good ole days. 
He also mentioned how much he's come to appreciate group dates, and embracing them for what they are...

During the date the women have to role play breaking up with Nick. 
It was that moment when I would have rather had them sing to him. 
Just kidding, I envisioned what that would've looked like and I changed my mind. 
Singing into someone's face remains number one, on my "Do Not Want" list. 

The most eventful "break up" was when Liz laid it all out for Nick, talking about their time together. 
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No one really knew what was going on, but felt the heaviness in the room. 
Nick, mortified by potentially being called out for his relationship with her, knew he had to make moves quickly, to avoid any conflict. 
Nick talked to the women and no one brought up his weird encounter with Liz. 
Well, except for the secret keeper of the century, Christen. 
She told him she knew of the situation but zipped her mouth shut and threw away the key. 
Sensing that Christen was probably going to crack...

Nick pulled Liz aside.
There he told her that he wasn't really interested in her and that she could have reached out.
He sent her home, and it seemed like the right decision. 

Since were gone for awhile, the women started to talk. 
Christen did her best to "not tell anyone" about what happened between the two of them but essentially hinted hard that there was a prior relationship. 

Nick told the women that Liz was sent home, and confirmed their prior hookup. 

The episode ended without a rose ceremony but with a preview of the women coming to terms with Liz and Nick. 

It's about to get hella dramatic for no reason y'alllllll. 
I can't wait. 

What were your thoughts on Liz? 
Do you think the ladies being so upset is justified? 

Let me know in the comments! 

Jan 3, 2017

Fourth Times A Charm?

Well folks, who thought this day would come? 
The day when Nick Viall returned for the FOURTH time to find love, except this time:
He's in charge. 

Much like all Bachelor's they started off focusing on Nick being a beef cake. 
There aren't a lot of shirtless moments with Nick from seasonS past. 
He was normally bundled or hunched over hiding from Josh and Shawn B. 
But he's here, he's jacked, and he's ready to find love.
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There have been a lot of people who said they aren't going to watch this season because Nick is a shifty, mush mouthed, jerk and while I tend to agree...I kinda fell for him during Bachelor in Paradise. 
I'm pretty sure that's what all the girls say before they get murdered in a Lifetime movie, but alas, here I am. 

Being introduced to Nick this season was basically a wash. 
It was more like Chris Harrison showing up, and saying,
"Have you turned on this show at any time in the last 3 years? Then you're good."

I mean his little sister Bella was 8 when we met her and now she's essentially 3 years away from being a contestant on the show. 
Profession: Professional Reality Show Sister
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Everyone in Nick's family is just praying they don't have to travel to another "After the Rose" where they leave crying. 
Nick seems pretty sure that it's going to work this time. 
In fact, he's not going to give up until it does. 

We don't negotiate with terrorists Nick. 
After this the jig is up. 
You go on Bumble like the rest of us.

From former Bachelors to the women, they tend to preface how much they didn't like Nick at all, until recently.
Sean Lowe, Ben Higgins, and Chris Soules sat around a table talking about how surprised they were that Nick actually turned out to be an OK guy.
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If that's not a ringing endorsement, what is? 

Let's review some of the women we met last night:

Attorney Rachel:
She's a hard worker and likes to let loose by vacuuming and dancing. 
This is a girl I can hang with--however, I would like to start a gofundme for her to get a Dyson. 

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There's a "nursing student" who loves her cat. 
I put her occupation in quotations because I think that's how it was listed on Amazon when she bought that costume. 
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She also asked Nick to "Lady and the Tramp" a cold hot dog. 
I'm setting the DVR for their tv wedding special now. 

The other day I was wondering whatever happened to Gretchen Wilson, and it turns out that she changed her name to Raven and now owns a small business in Hoxie. 
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The Mogul: Corrine

Does she make it look like those fountains are at her home in Miami and not at a hotel DJ Khaled rides by on his jet ski? Yes. 
Does she still live at home "running" her parent's multimillion dollar company? Yes.
Does she have a nanny that takes care of her and gives her plain cucumbers as a snack as she pretends to type up contracts instead of angry yelp reviews? Also yes.

I can't say I'd like having a nanny in my late 20's. 
Unless it was this Nanny:

There's the actual neonatal nurse who is a lot like Cinderella. 
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Like there's a 99% chance Gus Gus helped her get ready for work. 

There was the former wedding date, Elizabeth. 
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She met Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding and while she originially pleaded the fifth she later confesses to sleeping with Nick. 
She said she never gave him her number because she thought he was just being friendly when he asked for it. 
After watching Nick on BIP she decided to go through the rigorous screening process to meet him, even though she could have hollered at her best friend Jade for his number and not taken a psych eval, but different strokes for different folks. 

When she got out of the limo she wasn't sure if Nick remembered her, which was exciting for her. 
She liked remaining a mystery. 
 If a guy doesn't remember sleeping with you and it's a fun challenge to get him to remember:
Later Nick questions why she didn't reach out, and while she fumbled a little I don't think she's a total bunny boiler.

There's the mental health counselor who immediately told Nick that her friends think he's a "piece of sh!t." 
Surely she is equally as empathic with her clients. 

Client: My mom and I don't get along
Taylor: Well she did tell me you were a real piece of sh!t, so let's unpack that.

There were the women who made explicit impressions. 
Most specifically the one who said, "Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?"
When Nick replied, "No." 
She said, "Me either."

Do you know what a girl wearing a sturdy pair of Hanes Her Way says? 
Knock it off.

Others referenced how sexual Nick was and how they were TOTALLY fine with it. 
Until Corrine stole Nick for a second time and kissed him. 
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Nick's reaction was something that you would want to tell the children. 

*Corrine kisses Nick.*
Nick [voice over]: I wasn't ready for that. I hope no one saw it. 

Just like "The Notebook."

The best part of the night was the girl dressed like a shark who thought she was dressed like a dolphin. 

Why was she dressed like Left Shark a dolphin?
Because she's an aspiring dolphin trainer of course.
An aspiring dolphin trainer, dressed like a shark. 
My hope is that in the actual certificate program, they go over in detail the difference between the two.

You can see the headlines now: 
Aspiring Dolphin Trainer Eaten By Shark 
The young woman thought the great white was a dolphin, and couldn't understand why it wouldn't float backwards on its tail while waving its fins. You could hear her asking the shark, "Why are you such a bitey dolphin?" The shark could not be reached for comment.

Even though she didn't know what she was, she committed to that part, and was a true delight to everyone in the house.

Corrine, ever so kind, questioned why she was in the shark costume altogether. She actually said that she wondered if it was because her body wasn't that great. 
Yes Corrine, the only thing that fits her, in all of the land, is that shark costume. 
It's the only thing that could hide her uggo body, since she already wore sweatpants once that week.

Overall, there were a few meltdowns, a lot of red dresses, and a promise for a good amount of crazy. 

My hope is that the women eventually stop talking about Nick like he's their misunderstood prisoner pen pal with a heart of gold. 

He was a jerk, but a jerk on a highly edited reality series. 
I doubt he left women hanging over a lava pit at home, before he came to the mansion. 

I'm open for Nick to find love on this journey. 
My heart is ready. 

What do you think? 

Leave your opinions in the comments! 

Nov 26, 2016

They Say It's My Birthday

Today I turn 30. That's weird to say. I don't feel 30. 
Sometimes I feel 21 other days 84. But either way I feel really lucky to have the love and support of two amazing parents, fantastic friends, a cute af dog (who doesn't probably know he supports me...but I pretend.) I've got a lot planned for this 30th year & I'm excited to write about it all. It's not just going to be a Bachelor recap blog anymore. Oh Jones is coming out of its hiatus and I'm going to use it as an outlet for all things life related.

 Obviously with Bachelor recaps sprinkled weekly. But now I'm off to spend the rest of my 30th like I spent whatever day this picture of taken: pantsless & watching tv.

Jul 10, 2016

Pokemon No.

I have to admit something. 
I suffer from severe cases of FOMO...you know fear of missing out. 

If there's a new Snapchat filter, I'm holding on to my face, and putting that flower crown on.
If I could put the dog ears and nose on with the flower crown, I would essentially out Kylie, Kylie Jenner. 
This one speaks to my soul.
If there's a new flavor of Oreo cookies: I try them. 
Watermelon Oreos taste like chewed up Bubbalicious. 
But you know what, I wouldn't have known that, I had I not wasted my money tried them.

There was the time I wanted to be where the people were....and went to a Target during the Lilly Launch. 

Or that time that I got sucked into that Kim Kardashian Game/App. 
Oh, what was that game?
Let me tell you all about it. 
You start as a D list celebrity, and slowly, by going on dates, photo shoots, and club appearances you get closer to the A List. 
The catch is that during "parties" and "dates" you have to be on your phone for basically the entire time so you can earn points and prove you're a worthy A-Lister. 
If you don't pay attention, and don't interact you get rated poorly and then these people, who let me point out, DO NOT exist, fake tweet about you and you lose your street cred.

I distinctly remember, being on a "date" on my phone while on call for work.
I got a call, and 
 by the time I was back and checking in, the date was over, he hated me, and I went from a B to a C. 
My confidence was shot, my fake boyfriend was mad at me, and I was 28 alone on a Friday, mad that my social life was regulated to the C list. 
Clearly I was "Livin' it Up" like Ja Rule taught me in my real life though....

It wasn't until a friend-tervention with my friend Katie, who kindly told me I was being the worst and needed to stop trying to earn points for a new fake outfit, and to eat my pizza like a normal human, that I knew I even had a problem.

Lately, my FOMO has been low. 
I talked myself out of buying banana bread limited edition english muffins the other day. 
Sure I'm still thinking about them, but hey...baby steps. 

THEN...this STUPID POKEMON GO app was released on Friday. 

I never was a Pokemon kid. 
The Snorelax did appeal to me, as I believe we are distant relatives, but really I could care less. 
Shower me with Beanie Babies and POGS all day erry day, but I did not have the drive to "catch them all." 

However, on Friday, everyone around me was hunting for Pokemon. 
Going to various locations to gather them, posting that Pokemon were in their homes, and resting on their pets. 
So I caved.
I downloaded it. 
I got into it. 
Really into it.

Like heavily sighing when the server went down and I had to keep refreshing. 
(I mean really? The server went down? What are we pilgrims?)

But like Oprah says, sometimes you have an a-ha! moment, which makes you stop and think.

My number one gal, Barb Jones, was in town and we were shopping some serious sales. 
These two teenage girls were wandering around like they were on a safari. 
They said, "Are you sure the Pokemon is even here?" 
To which I immediately exclaimed, "IS THERE ONE HERE?"
And then the three of us were talking like there were piles of free money just waiting to be snatched up.

They told me they were going to keep looking, and that they would circle back if they found it. 
And when I thought, "My mom won't mind waiting for her 29 year old daughter to find out if those teens found a Pokemon..." I knew that I had been Kardashian'd. 
I deleted the app, and I've been clean for a full day. 
For all of you out there hunting, be brave. 
But also, please get out of my way because I'm hungry, and I don't care if the King of Pokemon himself is in the case of pastries at Starbucks, you ain't cuttin'.  

Jul 4, 2016

Don't Cry for Me ....Derrick?

Happy 4th of July! 
This week we have a rerun--because apparently there is an assumption that we all have a ton to do on the 4th of July, and wouldn't be parked in front of our televisions watching Alex try to give one of the tall guys an "up top" high five. 
So I thought, ""Hey, you sorry excuse for a blogger, why don't you do your recap from last week that's been sitting in your drafts"...and here we are.
This week the gang made a trip to Argentina. 
The guys met up with Chris, who told them this week for the first time ever, there was going to be ANOTHER 2:1 date, plus the usual schedule. 
I literally hate all of you...so much...I could cry.
Cue panic at the disco...
However the 1:1 date of the night went to Wells. 
Our little iron deficient vampire, Wells.
Is he not sleeping? Or just not eating enough red meat?
The date card implied that she wanted to "finally" kiss him. 
Wells told the guys the truth...he had not kissed Jojo yet. 
If Wells told the guys he was pregnant, they couldn't have acted more surprised. 

As they walked to their date...it was awkward. 
Ass out hug and kiss on the cheek awkward. 
From their chemistry I wasn't sure if we were going to watch them kiss or just hang by the wall at a high school dance. 
I was fine with either. 
I love The Wobble.
The date was based around performance art, where they stripped down into their underwear or jeans (if you're Wells) and hung out in a suspended slip and slide. 
Nothing says "Kiss me" like wear wet jeans and hair plastered to your face. 
But it set the mood right for them and they finally kissed. 
We all thought, "these two crazy kids might make it." 
Untillllll dinner. 
Wells said his last relationship ended because they became best friends and there wasn't any passion, which happens according to him. 
Passion fades. Friendships forever. 
"Those mashed potatoes look like a pillow."
In all fairness the passion may end for Wells because he's so effing tired all the time.
Jojo said that she felt that passion could be in a relationship forever, and it worried her that Wells would settle for white bread when there was an everything bagel out there ready to surprise him...
That analogy didn't go where I wanted it to... 
So she sent Wells back to his DJ booth. 
Look at Nashville, he's back, and ready to tell you the traffic and weather on the 8's.

The group date was next, with James, Jordan, Alex, Luke, and Robby. 
Robby, unconcerned about being on the group date because he is the self-proclaimed
"front runner" was ready to show the guys how in love they were.
He's also the worst.
The guys strolled the streets and came across a soccer game and naturally joined in. 
Most of the guys...ok really just Jordan showed off which made sweet sweet James self conscious about his dad bod. 
That is a LIGHT wash on those jeans Jordan...LIGHT.
However, when it came down to penalty kicks to see who would get to kiss Jojo, James won and got to kiss right in front of Jordan's perfect face. 

Yes. I've turned on Jordan. 
I read an article where it said he and Aaron don't speak, and if Aaron don't like ya...I don't like ya. 
This is how I rationalize things folks. 
I can't explain it. 

Later that evening, the guys hang out with Jojo. 
And while not everyone was invited to the leather jacket party, Jojo and Luke seemed ready to reenact the last scene of "Grease" if necessary. 

I'm not sure if everyone feels this way, but they are HOT together. 
And if they spent their lives in matching leather making out in front of people I think they would make a lucrative life for themselves. 
Luke is just...the best. 

James, falling into the"I'm insecure, gotta throw someone under the bus" role used his time to throw Jordan under the bus. 
According to James, during a game of poker, Jordan made a final say on the rules and was extremely entitled.
James didn't think that was the kind of guy Jojo needed. 
Some might say he was taking Jordan at FACE value.
I love James, but he's gotta cool it if he thinks talking trash is going to send someone other than him home. 
We see it every time. 

When Jordan talked to Jojo he was shocked. 
Leather...the new helicopter of the Bachelorette.
James was his "best friend" in  the house and didn't understand how that reflected his character. 
When he came back to the room it was tense
Jordan swished his wine around so hard that everyone could smell the oaky undertones. 
(I went to a wine tasting once.  That was a phrase they used.)
He confronted James who confirmed their conversation. 
The conflict ended there, and Luke ended up getting the group date rose. 
As you can see there was no mention of Robby, because he's the front runner, and had little to no air time. 

The 2nd 2:1 was last between Evil Jim Halpert (Derrick) and my second favorite, Chase. 
They learned to tango. 
Reminds you of the last dance in "Center Stage" a little, huh?
It was an awkward date to signify a struggle of who to keep. 

Evil Jim thought that he was golden because he was the front runner. 
(Who is telling them that? Who?)
During his 1:1 time with Jojo he told her she was falling for him and she basically said "Thanks."

Chase was surprised when Jojo told him that she thought she liked him more than he liked her. 
He said, "Nu uh. I like you a lot."
Which was apparently all she needed to hear because she quickly sent Evil Jim Derrick home. 

As Derrick left, Chase and Jojo made their way to the dance floor where a woman began to sing "Don't Cry for me Argentina."
Pan back to Derrick who started to refer to himself in 3rd person and cry.
The camera went from Evita to crying Derrick for SEVERAL minutes.

Chase and Jojo made out and the night ended. 
I think out of all the guys, Jojo has the best chemistry with Chase and Luke, but think she's still really intrigued by Jordan which makes me nervous because he's slimey. 

At the rose ceremony, it came down to one final rose and James and Alex standing there. 
Jojo left and told Chris Harrison she couldn't give it out. 
She came back and Chris brought in a second rose, so both men stayed. 
Alex, who whenever he wears a suit reminds me of an child applying for a bank loan, exclaimed that he was pissed because he got a pity rose. 
He wants to feel wanted. 
Apparently making sure he got a rose wasn't enough of an expression. 
He wants a 1:1 date.

As the season chugs along, who do you think is the next to go home? 
Who are your favs?