May 25, 2017

Pawse and Smell the Roses...


Our lives our complete again! 
The Bachelorette is back and it's with Rachel!!!!!
Actual footage of me below:

Last season I had to step away from the last few episodes of Nick's season. 
I had hit my thresh hold, of Ole' Marble Mouth, and did what I almost never do, read the writing on the wall...of Reality Steve. 

I'm not proud of my actions, but I couldn't take Vanessa crying and Nick giving his best "Blue Steel" any longer. 

Plus I had to start stretching and preparing my heart for Rachel's season. 
And arrange everyone's flights for "Bachelor in Paradise." 

But here we are! 
We're with the most lovable Bachelorette, probably ever. 
And while she is the People's Champ, she wasn't too good for a cheesy lawyer montage. 

But after her lawyer pose, and nod to the fake defendant she was off to her new home with her pup! 

I was immediately concerned for Copper.
Hopefully he's ok. 
Rachel, if you need me to dog sit, or like....sign his cast, I will. 
I would sign it "Paws and smell the roses." 
We'd laugh about the pun. 
Me and Copper. 
Not me and Rachel. 

Naturally she had to have a chit chat with her friends and get the best advice. 
Corrine, Raven, AstridWhitney (I put their names together because honestly I have no idea which one is which), Kristina, and the resident love doctor, Jasmine. 
You know the one who recommended a "chokey" to Nick. 
She obviously has a tight grip on what true love is. 

I don't know if these puns are going to stop, y'all so I apologize here and now. 
Raven told her that she was so good at seeing the good in other people and making connections. 
Then everyone started crying. 
It was like in the Babysitter's Club movie when everyone huddled around Kristy and her melted ice cream cake after her dad abandoned her at the fair. 
From looking at this picture, you now have, "the brain, the brain, the center of the chain," stuck in your head.

As always, I never really remember the guys names until later but I do have to say I was a little more suspicious and critical of these dudes. 
Rachel is an American treasure. 

She deserves only the best, so whenever a new guy got out of the limo, I was all...

The first guy we met looked like a murderer. 
We find out that he's an only child who lost his mom in high school. 
It's either true or he's luring us in. 
I watch "Catfish" and Lifetime so everyone's a suspect. 
But then he showed his dog, and I thought, 
"I'd risk being murdered to pet that dog." 
Rubic's Cube guy from Detroit, was not only a gym rat but a good old fashion mama's boy who was as smart as he is strong. 

The kebabs he made with his mom looked very delicious, and while I don't do well in cold winter's, I'd consider Michigan, from those Tim Allen narrated commercials I keep seeing about that great state. 
I hope he STICKS around. 
Get it...because of the kebabs. 

I'm a straight up monster and I don't care who knows it. 

There's the aspiring drummer, who claims that he's super good at sex, and has a lot of testosterone. 
He also seemed to really enjoy harassing a woman while she worked out. 
I have a hard time believing that girls are throwing themselves over a dude with such a severe middle part. 

Diggy, I remember well because he is v attractive. 

There was a lawyer named Josiah, who was very confident that he could not only get a conviction but win Rachel's heart .
His story took a turn quickly, when he talked about finding his dead brother in their back yard, and how it lead him to make poor choices. Later on in life, he was given a second chance and made something of himself. 
It was a touching story but real deep for this show. 
When he introduced himself to Rachel, he said there was "no reasonable doubt" they wouldn't be a good match followed by, "see you later litigator." 

Especially when you have a dude who's catch phrase is "Whaboom." 
Let's just get that whackadoo out of the way now. 

His name is Lucas, and he's essentially the offspring of Uncle Joey and a magician's assistant. 
He has a catch phrase. 
It is "whaboom." 
He shakes his head around a lot. 
It's obnoxious. 
He's terrible. 
There's a solid chance he sent in an application to "America's Got Talent" and accidentally sent it to ABC instead of NBC. 
His brain is shaken quite a bit. 
Just like I hated Lucas on One Tree Hill, I hate Lucas on the Bachelorette. 

My stand out was Bryan. 
When he started talking to her in Spanish: 

I do not speak Spanish, much to the chagrin of most of my high school teachers and college professors, but I do know if he spoke to me like he spoke to her, I would most certainly give him my social security number. 

There was an Urkel/Stefon Urquell reference. 
I predict they will marry each other. 

I always forget that guys always reference how they are going to "win" the season. 
I was quickly reminded by DeMario who frequently said he was the #1 seed and was going to win, and how they were all invited to her wedding. 

A man who's profession was "Tickle Monster."

If there was a first bad impression rose, he would have gotten it. 
That's including the Whaboom guy, and the dude that brought a mini doll of himself.

Tickling is the WORST.
No one wants a tickle fight. 
Even actual tickle monsters know they're in a dying profession. 
I wish him only the worst.

As everyone mingled in the house, Lawyer and DeMario competed over who was going to be Rachel's husband and where everyone would sit when they got married. 
They kept calling Rachel their wife. 

Meanwhile, Bryan scooped Rachel away and told him that he was 37 and ready to start a family. 
They seemed to get along really well and thenn
he went in for the kiss, and man...
I hope they would consider a 30 year old flower girl for their wedding. 
Spark City. 

While the guys were all determined to get the first impression rose, none of them compared to Bryan, and he walked away with it. 

While there were others who were interesting, a lot of them looked at the Whaboom guy and thought, "she'll pick me over him."

They were sadly mistaken. 
Whaboom guy is will us next week. 
He's not Corrine. 
He will not win us over. 
We will not like him. 
Apparently he has been causing some wave in the Bachelor Nation, by sliding into Carly Waddell's DM's. Her and Evan were tweeting about it on Monday night. 

There's also some scoop that Josh Murray is best friends with Bryan. 
So if it goes down in flames, I blame Josh. 

Who are your favs? 
Any stand out moments that I missed? 

Let me know below! 

May 7, 2017

Yes Please!

Hello fine folks!  
You know as the Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons becomes closer, the Oh Jones blog comes out of hibernation.
(Rachel's season must and will be recapped)

But I wanted to use this post to talk about something a little different.
Join me won't you?

I struggle a lot with looking at others and being legit jealous.
Saying things like, "Must be nice, to be able to have the time..." 
Or, "Jesus, we get it your skin is clear, your eyelashes can touch your forehead, you love your leggings, and you're on a trip because you're the top seller in your company, that'll never be me." 

I was feeling paralyzed by own circumstances and truly too afraid to take a risk.

I'm an extrovert for sure, but struggle with confidence.
Who doesn't, right?
It's tough to be a champion for yourself.
 Or to go outside of your comfort zone.

Amy Poehler has this quote that I have in my office, and one day it hit me a little harder than usual.

So I'm jumping in.
 I've started a new side hustle by investing in
my own slice of business with Rodan + Fields Skincare.

Some things to note about this new venture:

-I barely use make up, let alone have ever invested in skin care. We're talking like I've been using the Equate brand from Target for 29.5 years.
(Yes even as a baby and toddler I bought my own face wash.)
So this is a business where I'm learning a TON.

-I'm not going to Liam Neison you into buying or joining my business. I do not have a particular set of skills to hunt you and find you, but I will talk to you about the products and share the opportunities this company can give you.

-I will bat my eyelashes at you, when you ask if Lash Boost really works, and say, "Yeah Dawg."

-I will listen to what you might want to change about your skin, and help find the best products.

But overall, with this new perspective,
I'm also going to start celebrating other people more, and stop being such a negative nelly about other people's success. It's way cooler to be encouraging of everyone's progress.
Plus frowning gives you wrinkles.

I gotta take another piece of advice from my girl A.P. and come from this perspective:

And if you ever think that you can't do something or that you're not brave enough, just remember this:
If Nick Viall is brave enough to wear a chunky turtleneck on television, you can be brave too.

P.S. If you have any questions or want to learn more, my Virtual Business Launch is TONIGHT! (Sunday May 7th at 8pm) on FB.
If you want to "go" just send me an email or comment below and I'll send you an invite.
If you want to look at the products go here: R+F and if you have any questions email me at:

Mar 5, 2017

A recap and a giveaway!!!

Y'all, I'm sorry. 
Blogging sometimes takes a back seat when things get busy but best believe I'm watching and doing my best to recap the rest of this season as best as possible. 
The finale episode is going to be late because I'll be on a service trip but just know it's coming! 

This week was such a tease...and kind of weird. 
It was only an hour and while I'd love to say a lot happened during that hour it really didn't. 

First up on the should have been dramatic but wasn't list, was Andi Dorfman's return. 

When I saw Andi, I did a heavy, and I mean HEAVY eye roll. 
 I just finished her book about her break up called, "It's Not Okay," and spoiler alert the book wasn't OK. 
It was kind of infuriating actually.
There was a ton of juicy gossip about her break up and even some stuff about Nick, but it was mainly just her talking about how she gained five pounds, and how she had to go from a 4 to a 6 in her Lululemon yoga pants. 
She also claimed it was NOT OK to let yourself go during a breakup. 
Not shaving your legs was not only uncool, but a potential crime. 
She's a lawyer so I just took her word for it. 
So after I read every single one of those 300 pages, I was questioning my own purpose in life, as well as how many other put themselves through that unnecessary torture. 

Mini-rant over. 

Andi, asked Nick how he was doing. 
He was surprised she was there. 
The last time she showed up to his hotel room she dumped him. 
We know Nick. 
We were there. 
She countered with "Well now you get to dump 29 girls." 
And Nick said, "Maybe 30." 
He wasn't going to pick someone just to pick them. 

Nick, I don't know how to say this politely, but I believe I speak for most of America when I say, 
I never want to see you looking for love on my television ever again. 
I will watch you dance with stars. 
I will watch your weird instagram stories where you just make "Jim Halpert" faces into the camera. 

But, I will not, watch you find a girlfriend on TV. 

After apologizing to Andi for calling her out for sleeping with him (which she references in the book several times) they hug and he's off to the rose ceremony. 

Corrine is the one to take the L...imo home. 
At first she cried and apologized to Nick telling him she was sorry if she ever made him upset. 
He told her she didn't do anything wrong, and it seemed like he was saying good-bye to a good friend, not a girlfriend. 

Corrine said that she just wanted to find love in a normal way and was done saying what she thought men wanted to hear. 
She said she was done impressing men, and that they were going to have to impress her. 
Then she said she wanted to go to sleep. 
So she did. 

I gotta say....Imma miss that little peach. 

Soon after that was over it was off to Finland. 

The first and only date of the night was with Raven. 
They played darts,
talked about their relationship, and drank beer. 
Later in the evening it was time to decide whether or not they were going to take their date back to the fantasy suite. 
Nick playing hard to get, threw on his itchiest turtleneck.

Raven didn't mention it once. 
In fact, she told him she loved him. 
That's how you know it's real. 

He offered her the fantasy suite and she accepted it right away.
She also told him, while weird "Beauty and the Beast" kinda music played in the background, that she never had an orgasm.
I think Raven is great but sometimes she talks about things in such a way that make me very uneasy. 
Like we appreciate your honesty girl, but...maybe ease up a little? 

Then they went back to their log cabin, and laid on the bed, with Nick securely fastened in his turtleneck, with his voice over saying that maybe he should take the time in the fantasy suites not to sleep with the women, but to get to know them better, so that intimacy wouldn't cloud his judgement. 

Next week is THREE HOURS. 
One of which is the "Women Tell All." 
I don't know if you follow any of the women on social media, but overall these ladies seem to love each other. 
It may just be an hour of Taylor talking down to Corrine. 
Which I'll pass on. 

Speaking of ladies loving their lady friends, I have a cool giveaway AND coupon code on the blog this week. 
My internet friend Ashlie (no relation...) just opened up her etsy shop, where she is selling Leslie Knope compliment prints. 
I live for Leslie Knope and empowering quotes, so naturally I chose this quote to frame in my home: 

Ashlie is giving away one of her prints to a lucky reader! 
Here are the options! 
via Ashlie's insta

Comment which one is your favorite below, and I will pick a lucky winner! 
Ashlie's also offering a 15% discount code to "Oh Jones" readers: WILLUACCEPTTHISROSE

She's got super cute stuff in her store, and a super cute Instagram feed so check her out! 

Who's date are you most looking forward to this week? 
Do you think the "Women Tell All" will be juicy? 

Let me know (and tell me your favorite print) in the comments! 

Feb 15, 2017

Just another panic at the disco...

Like all episodes this season, we were left with a cliff hanger and not a rose ceremony.

The last time we saw Nick, he was wandering aimlessly through St. Thomas figuring out if he was going to be successful in finding love. 

But after doing some soul searching, listening to Panic! at the Disco, and talking it out with Chris Harrison on the beach, he came to the conclusion that he was having real feelings for the women who were left. 

The women were all so relieved to hear it, and even more excited when they found out they were going to Bimini! 

As the women prepared for their week, Corrine mentioned she was the only one left that didn't have a 1:1. 
I was taken aback by that, seeing as it feels like we've seen her so much. 
She was hopeful that this was her week, and that she would finally get sushi and 1:1 time with Nick...and a yacht. 

Instead when the date card arrived, it wasn't Corrine's name, but Vanessa's. 
Corrine takes it well. 
And by well I mean she vents about how all Vanessa talks about is how she's an Italian special needs teacher. 

Vanessa says that she believes that she and Nick have a special relationship and that she's ready to tell Nick that she's falling in love him. 
She's positive that he's going to say it back. 
See what you did Ben Higgins. 
You made girls think that was normal.
How dare you. 
Jk love you, hope you're well. 

As they get on a boat, all of America clutched their throats in fear, hoping to all that was holy that Vanessa didn't get sea sick. 

The day date was all about snorkeling. 
If you have ever watched a "Dateline" episode, you know that when a loved one takes you snorkeling there's a 50/50 shot Keith Morrison is going to be narrating your death. 

So while it is not my ideal date, I was glad to see they had such a good time. 

At dinner, Vanessa said that she was falling for him, and Nick replied with, "I like you....a lot."
He said that he only wanted to say that he loved someone once...and wanted it to be special. 
Say it a million times. 
Just find someone. 
Now you've got Vanessa all worked up. 

He didn't send her home, but did send her back to the house with a lot of concerns. 

Nick had a group date with Raven, Christina, and Corrine. 
They swam with sharks. 
Again another date that was not made for Ashley Jones to enjoy. 
I've got a few rules about sharks and the ocean. 
1. I don't dive into waves because I'm afraid I'm going to dive into a sharks open mouth. 
2. I always keep at least one person in front of me when standing in the ocean, because if they get pulled down first then I can start running...for help.
3. I know I look delicious to sharks, so I'm going to keep a healthy distance. 

Corrine seemed to have very similar fears. 
She even asked if the sharks were toothless. 
Christina replied, "Sharks have 3 rows of teeth." 
She's always been the soother of the group. 

Raven thinks it's fine if the other two are afraid, because sharks smell fear, and she's not afraid. 
She gets it. 

In the evening, Nick tells them that this is the only date that he'll be giving out a rose, guaranteeing a hometown visit.
Corrine proceeds to freak out even more. 
And when Corrine freaks out...she eats cheese. 
A lot of it. 

While Nick did seem to have very meaningful conversations with Raven and Christina it was pretty clear he did really like having Corrine around. 

Raven ended up getting the group date rose, and was super excited for Nick to go to Hoxie. 
Corrine decided she needed to take things into her own hands, and show Nick her sex abilities. 
You know because: 

God. Bless.

When she shows up to his room, he offers her a drink and they start making out. 
She takes him into his room, and when she thinks she's sealed the deal, he tells her they need to slow down. 
Corrine leaves feeling like she blew it. 

She proceeds to sit on the couch freaking out through the next two 1:1s, while people cycle through to tell her she's ok. 

The last two dates were with Blonde Danielle and Rachel. 

BD was so happy to have another 1:1 with Nick.

While their date was cute it seemed very forced. 
There is no doubt that BD is probably an actual angel but for some reason...she fell flat. 
Nick told her that he didn't see a future with her. 
Right after she told him the last time she felt something so strong for someone they died. 

She was ultimately heartbroken. 
Watching Blond Danielle cry can probably be compared to watching something happen to a dog in a movie. 
Not cool. 
Not cool at all. 

When the producers got her bags, the women were stunned. 
They couldn't believe someone so sweet was gone. 
From her spot on the couch, Corrine took it as a sign that she was next. 

Rachel's date was last and she was perfect as usual. 
She was open with Nick and told him that she was excited for him to meet her family. 
She told Nick

As they sat and talked, the bartender joined them and told Rachel, 

"Make sure this guy really needs you and not just wants you." 

If you need me, I'll be doing an "Eat, Pray, Love" voyage to find that man so he can give me more wise advice. 

Rachel and Nick end their date, and she goes back to the house super pumped. 

Nick goes to catch up with Chris Harrison and tells him that there is one person he has love for but doesn't believe it's fair to have them go through a rose ceremony and be humiliated in front of everyone. 

Naturally everyone thinks, it's Corrine but
when he walks in the house, and asks where PRECIOUS CHRISTINA IS! 

Ok, he just asked where Christina was, I added the precious part. 
Because she is. 
Nick tells her she has love her but doesn't see it going to where it is with other women. 
The look on her face when she realized that she was being sent home was so sad. 
Maybe even sadder than Blonde Danielle. 
It seemed like they had a real thing going on. 

When I realized she was going home and that Nick wouldn't be coming to her hometown of Lexington, KY I was filled with a little rage. 
APPARENTLY, Nick was too good to come to Kentucky. 
You know the home of Bourbon. 

Also I live in Lexington, KY and I could have really used a sit down to hash out some questions I have. 

His "stronger" relationships aside, it was so sad to see her go home. 
Last week it seemed like she was in position to be the one that went far. 
Now, she's probably drying her eyes with a glazed donut. 

With the way Nick is sending women home, I predict that we've got like 2 episodes left. 
Who knows if they're even going to do a "Women Tell All..." 
He probably sent them all home...again. 

What are your thoughts? 
What hometowns do you think we'll see? 
Do we meet Raquel? 

Let it out in the comments! 

While you're mulling it over, let's also be the happiest in all the land that Rachel is the new Bachelorette! 
Sure it's weird af that they announced it when she's still on the damn show, but thank goodness! 
She's going to be amazing. 
No objections from me. 
Get it? 
Lawyer joke.

Well that escalated quickly

Week 6 taught us that even if there isn't any crying in baseball there is actually quite a bit of crying in volleyball. 

It also gave us a final reminder as to why Taylor is the pits. 
The week prior, Corrine and Nick sped off into the sunset while Taylor remained on the island and joined a coven. 

Through that new bond of sisterhood, they empowered her to go back and confront Nick. 
She had two things she needed to say:
1. She's not taking it anymore
2. Corrine is a liar. 

As she was making her way to the confrontation the women seemed zero percent surprised that Taylor was the one to go home. 
They didn't even seem pissed. 
Probably because getting constant advice from someone that has vocal fry is exhausting. 

As Taylor walked in, you could tell Corrine was very confused as to how she got there. 
Part of me believes it's because that she thought Taylor now lived on that island forever. 

Nick agreed to go outside with her and talk. 
I'm not sure if her mission was to be brought back or just speak her mind. 
Mainly because when you tell someone to,
"Openuh youruh eyeballsuh..." you're not really sounding genuine. 
Nick said that he appreciated her swimming back from Sand Witch Island, but that there wasn't a connection. 

From there I think Taylor sprouted dragon wings and flew home. 

Up next was the cocktail party and rose ceremony...
or so the women who had so much to tell Nick thought. 

Instead Nick knew who he wanted to send home. 
And even though my love for runs as deep as the waters that sharks swim, Left Shark Alexis was sent home. 
Be free little free...

Other people left too but I couldn't see who. 
My eyes were closed as I was singing this to Alexis

The remaining women were swept away to St. Thomas. 

Christina was given the first 1:1 date of the week. 
Her and Nick had awesome chemistry and overall really conversations. 
It was so sad to hear about Christina's life in Russia. 
Her story about living in color was so moving. 

He gave her the rose and they were off to dance while a bunch of people danced around them.
So many twists and turns. 
Literal twists and turns.
Especially when dancing...

Woof that was a rough one. 

Blonde Danielle, Jasmine, Vanessa, Corrine, Rachel, and Raven were all on the group date. 
Almost immediately Jasmine started talking about how she had never had 1:1 time and was tired of not getting the attention she deserved. 

When the women all started playing volleyball, they're calm, laid back game...
 turned into a literal sob fest so fast. 
It escalated so quickly that I can't really even tell you where it went wrong. 
Sure Corrine wanted to take a nap. 
And yeah, Jasmine pushed her down.
Of course, Vanessa left because she was fed up with competing. 
Blonde Danielle got distracted by a flock of birds who were helping put her hair up in a ponytail and the other woodland creatures that generally find her. 
Raven and Rachel seemed ok...just maybe were upset because everyone else was? 

In the evening the women, still upset from that strong gust of angry wind, continued to talk to Nick about why the day had been so hard. 
Jasmine on the other hand...well....Raven said it best: 

Jasmine said she would NOT be overlooked by Nick. 
In fact, she was so mad. 
So mad that she wanted to punch him in the face. 
So mad that she wanted to punch him in the face AND choke him. 

Finally getting some alone time with him, Jasmine decided it was time to let him know how she felt. 
Nick hadn't given her a chance and she wanted to just choke him. 
And then she asked, "has a girl ever given you a chokie before?"

If this show was filmed like "The Office," I'm pretty sure Nick would have looked at the camera like this: 

Nick tells her that he's sorry she's upset but that it's gonna be a no from him. 

She then says in the van that it's because she wasn't given a chance, and that she didn't think it was going to work for Nick. 

Some might say she thought he would choke...

Still here? 


The next date was another 2:1 with Brown Hair Danielle and Whitney. 
Who's Whitney? 
She's the one who's not Astrid, and has been quietly lurking. 

BHD (Brown Haired Danielle) was convinced this date was just a formality because her and Nick had such a good relationship. 

Whitney was terrified that she wasn't going to be there for very long. 

Nick brought them to an island via helicopter. 
Because when a formula works (a bed in the sand a la a Faith Hill music video + leaving a girl alone to cry) it works.

After talking to both of them, he determined that Danielle made the most sense to keep. 
So they hopped back on the 'copter and flew to dinner. 
Update on Whitney: She's totally fine. 
She's got the hang of island life now...
Really doing well...knows how to light a fire. 
She's even found someone. 
It's a tree...she doesn't know that yet...but she's happy so that's good. 

The next 20 minutes felt like forever. 
Mainly because it was Danielle giggling thru awkward silences and telling Nick how glad she was that dancing was their thing. 

It's a lot of people's "thing" but fine sure...

Vanessa has barfing. 
Corrine has sleeping. 
Raven has rollerblading. 
Blonde Danielle has Gus Gus. 
Christina is friendly. has a sweet island home. 
Rachel is perfect always. 
So I guess, dancing is fine for you, Brown Haired Danielle.   

As she drones on and on about how happy she is with him, and how she feels like she's falling in love with him, he rubs her hands in silence. 
It becomes pretty clear to everyone in America that he's getting ready to break up with her. 
It's not until, she's in the actual van, that I believe she knows she's going home. 
He tells her that he wishes it could be her that is THE one, but she's not. 

After that he goes to the women's hotel room and tells them that he's having a hard time and doesn't know what he's going to do. 

He leaves them to wander aimlessly and we're left to think that this could be it...he's walking away. 

Well bye then.  
Don't come back. 

Except do come back because I need to know how this damn thing ends.

Feb 3, 2017

MAYbe a little Hocus Pocus

This week's episode of "Rachel is Perfect and Should Be the Bachelorette Even if Nick Picks Her," was another eventful one. 
And by eventful I mean there was a 2:1 date with Corrine and Taylor, and a ghost kid. 

Our to be continued brought us back to Corrine and Taylor fighting in the Emotional Intelligence Octagon. 

Corrine, although a little confused if intellgency was a word, made sure Taylor knew that she was street and people smart. 
Taylor tried her best to demean Corrine but in the end, no one can out mean girl THE mean girl. 

To add a little insult to the nerd Taylor's confrontation, Corrine went to Nick to tell her how attacked she felt and how Taylor wasn't there for the right reasons. 

Before the rose ceremony began, you could tell that Taylor was shook. 

Corrine on the other hand was fairly confident that Taylor was gone forever, as she held her rose, and Taylor watched as the number of flowers dwindled...
But then at last Taylor got the rose and Corrine...well she Corrine'd

After the ceremony Nick told the girls that they were going to New Orleans! 
He said he couldn't think of a better place to fall in love. 
New Orleans...the Paris of the south. 

There were some good date moments this week for sure, but I just want to take a minute to truly recognize and appreciate Left Shark Alexis. 

She is truly a national treasure...maybe that's a Nic Cage reference....maybe it's not. 
Let's say it is. 

Here are the top four reasons she's great:

1. She believes in aliens and is afraid of Nicolas Cage. 

2. When talking about going to New Orleans, she said she was excited for gators, grits, and a good time:

3. While on the group date she put on a mask and looked directly at the camera to say: 

4. Whenever she's with Nick, they seem to just goof around and have fun. Clearly she's not going to be his pick, but she literally gives zero f's and I love it. 

Back to the episode. 
Rachel got the first 1:1 date. 
I think it's safe to say, based on my Twitter timeline alone, that America wants to date Rachel Lindsay. 

The date started with Nick buying her only the finest things the producers' money could buy, followed up with a trip to eat beignets. 
I hope Rachel knows how lucky she was on that date. 
Eating a powdery donut in front of a guy you want to make out with?
Plus she got a front row seat to Nick trying one for the very first time. 

They found a second line, a tradition in New Orleans, where you celebrate in the street. 
Not gonna lie...Nick had some moves. 

She was impressed. 
I was impressed. 
Jasmine watching from the window as they passed by the women's hotel.....not so impressed. 
(For someone who has interacted with Nick maybe twice, it's funny how up in arms she gets about everything.

As the day date ended it was clear that Rachel had it bad for Nick. 
Their chemistry is solid. 

While my heart remains reserved for Pacey Witter, I'm open to marrying Rachel. 
She's perfect. 
Even Barb Jones, who texted me to ask what was wrong with the women, admitted that Rachel was "cute."

At dinner Rachel opened up more to Nick about her family. 
Her dad is a federal judge, who Nick became even more terrified to meet. 
Nick let her know that not only nervous to meet parents in general but specifically because he already asked two sets of parents to marry their daughter and it didn't work out. 
He didn't want parents of the woman he chose to think that she wasn't equally special. 
And then it got kinda dusty in my apartment and I was like...whew these are definitely tears from the dust and not this show. 

The dust. 

He also told her, that even if it was breaking the rules, he was super into her. 
Nick said he didn't think of anyone else when she was around. 


Rachel for Prez.
Or for Bachelorette if things don't work out. 
But not Paradise. 
She's too good for it. 

The group date was next. 
No surprise but everyone but Corrine and Taylor were on the date card. 

New Orleans, being one of the most haunted cities in America, naturally has many haunted houses. 
So they found the most haunted one, and just went right on in. 

I don't know about you but I don't do haunted stuff very well. 
I believe in ghosts, and I'm not trying to make them mad. 
I'm fine with being followed around by one if it's Patrick Swayze in "Ghost" or just the actual ghost of Patrick Swayze, but other than that hard pass on haunted anything tours. 

Raven had similar thoughts and said that if she found a ghost she was going to "rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus." 

They were greeted by the caretaker of the house 

who much like Regina George's mom, preferred them to drink in the house, and gave them a tray full of mint juleps. 

He also told them about May, the child ghost, who haunted the house in search of her doll that NO ONE was to touch. 

You know what's scarier than an adult ghost. 
They're extra pissed because they died early, they can't bring their toys with them, and that adults are messing with their stuff. 
I get it kid ghosts, I get it. 
I respect it. 
(Yes I'm typing as if they read my blog...I don't know ghosts' lives. Technology has advanced a lot.)

The women all agree to be respectful of May's things. 
Except for Jasmine who touches everything, and even wears May's hat. 
Ghosts don't like jokes, Jasmine.
Why else do you think they say boo? 

Later they decide to pull out a Ouija board. 

What's next guys? 
Have fun waiting in the jungle till May rolls a 5 or 8. 

While Nick pulled women away to chat, the others stayed in the house to form connections with May. 

Blonde Danielle and Vanessa looked in the mirror with candles and asked May if she was there. 
The candles flickered. 
Then they asked if they were safe and the candles flickered more. 
They took it as a good sign. 

The candles could have also been flickering because they were talking over an open flame, but you know, believe in your dreams, ladies. 

Brown haired Danielle told Nick how much she cared for him and was generally a snooze fest. 
Raven, told him that she loved him, and made no apologies for it. 
Blonde Danielle made out with him so well that she ended up getting the group date rose. 
Jasmine left with no 1:1 time and a ghost to haunt her eternally. 
So win win for everybody. 

Back at the hotel, Corrine and Taylor were gearing up for their 2:1 date. 
Corrine surrounded her self with steak, salad, cheese pasta, and champagne. 

Taylor was surrounded by candles and essential oils, holding on hard to the fact that Corrine wouldn't know emotional intelligence if Raquel hit her over the head with it. 

The date was set in the bayou. 
The women were set to wrestle an alligator and then hillbilly hand fish for Nick's undying devotion. 

Not really but it would have been way cooler than the awkward tarot reading and subsequent she said/she said that actually happened. 

I mean yes, the voodoo priestess seemed very nice and the tarot card reader seemed to know how annoying it was for everyone to be there...

but honestly it was time for Nick to make his choice. 
In the end he chose, Corrine, and they rode off in the sunset in a speedboat piloted by a man who looked like every villain in "Roadhouse."

Taylor stayed back and joined a nice coven...
who empowered her to go to Nick and Corrine's date and confront them. 
Winnie, Mary, and Sarah Sanderson told her with a master's level education and a new found voodoo priestess power she was too good to be left behind. 

It ended with her rolling into Corrine and Nick's dinner date, and yet another to be continued. 

I respect the producers' hustle but it's almost time to move on from Corrine. 
There are some goodies that are on this show, and I want to see their relationships with Nick develop. 
I need insurance that this is going to work out. 
Because seriously Nick, this is it. 

What are your thoughts about this week? 

Are you Team Taylor?

Or are you Team Corrine and want her to ride it out as long as possible?

Let me know in the comments! 

Jan 27, 2017

A Face on the Milk Carton

We've made it to Week 4 already! 

Was anyone else a little afraid that when we joined the pool party in progress, Vanessa was going to be walked out by Nick, for telling him how disappointed she was? 

She didn't hold back when she told him that she was happy to give the rose back if that's how he was going to act. 
Nick told her that he was glad she reached out to him and that she just needed to be patient with Corrine. 
Reading between the lines I think that means: "The producers are keeping her here..."

She said she understood, but believed that Corrine would not be getting a rose. 

Meanwhile, the Jasmine, the dancer, was doing her best detective work trying to find Corrine. 
In the first 10 minutes she said, "WHERE IS SHE?" three times.

If you go back to past episodes, she is constantly wondering around asking where Corrine is, and what she's doing. 

Considering their dates aren't in the Mall of America on Black Friday, it's not that hard to find her. 
She's either, asleep, manually blowing up a bounce house, asleep, eating, or writing letters to Raquel about how camp is going. 
Dancer doesn't need to put the Corrine's face on a milk carton. 
Although, that book really f'ed me up in middle school. 

Barb had to assure me that I was not kidnapped, and reminded me that I looked exactly like my dad.
Sarah and Taylor, being the super sleuths they were, found Corrine sleeping.
They let her know that she was acting very privileged and entitled. 
Corrine said she was in no way entitled or privileged.
A nanny practically pays for itself, y'all. 

The rose ceremony was pretty by the book. 
The women all thought they were about to be Corrine free, but were crushed when the final rose went to her. 

The women were told the next day that they were about to get ready to travel the world. 
Get your passports girls because your first stop is Milwaukee, Wisconsin- Nick's hometown.
Everyone knows Milwaukee is the Paris of the Midwest.

Before the dates, Nick met up with America's most defeated parents: Mr. & Mrs. Viall. 
I don't know if it's because we are always shown his mom weeping, but I've never realized how much his dad looks like an accountant from the 50's trying to take down the mob. 
Nick's parents told him that they were hopeful for him to find love, but also they were tired of seeing him on the show. 
They get it. 
We get it. 
We're serious Nick....this is the last time. 

The group of women, all gather and Nick tells them that it's time for a 1:1, with Danielle L. 

Up until now, she's seemed pretty cool. 
Maybe even a top contender. 
And for a lot of people she still might be but when she started giggling non-stop I was like: 
The whole date, she was trying a litttttle too hard to be carefree and flirty. 
At the cookie shop she was like, 
"What if I just put like, this like, icing, on your nose?"
Such a rebel.
During the tour of his town, Nick sees an ex-girlfriend sitting in a coffee shop. 
Very coincidental. 
Seeing as he had grown up in the town when he was eleven, I can only infer that their relationship was deep and meaningful. 

Danielle was a little thrown that they ran into his ex. 
Let's be real, you can swing a dead cat and hit at least one of Nick's exes at this point. 

Nick asked Danielle if she had any burning questions for Amber the Ex. 
Amber, having known Nick at his peak tween maturity, was ready for the grilling. 
When Danielle just giggled, Amber said that Nick lead with his heart. 

Later they went to a hill to make out, and that's when we learned about Danielle being a self proclaimed prude and child of divorce. 

She wanted to find love, but was scared because she didn't want a divorce like her parents'. 
The best solution was to come on a show where you and 29 other women date one man, with no real certainty that he will be compatible or that you will end up in love.
But hey, sometimes you go on the show and four years later, you're still trying to figure out how to get someone to just let you say "Will you marry me?" without getting interrupted. 

The more Nick talked about his time growing up and how he tried to have successful relationships, it made him a little more endearing. 
He has Friend Zone written all over him. 
I mean he said he built a girl shelves for her locker to get a kiss. 
He claimed he got it but we all know it was on the cheek, and the girl ran to jump in her actual boyfriend's convertible right after. 

Later in the evening he asked her when was the last time she went shopping in her sweatpants. 
To which I replied, what else do you wear to go shopping?
Stretchy pants are key when shopping for two reasons:
The possibility of a Cinnabon
Free samples

He gave her the rose, and then took her to a surprise concert with Chris Lane. 
Once again they were dancing and kissing in front of a crowd. 

Chris Lane looked like how I felt. 

The group date card arrived at the house, and even though we are in week 4, there were still about 15 names on it. 
One of those names being Whitney. 
I can honestly say I thought that was Astrid this entire time. 

The women arrived to see Nick feeding a baby cow milk. 
Which is so crazy to me. 
It's like milk inception. 
Feeding the cow milk, that then makes milk. 

They found out that they were going to do farm chores, because Nick had a friend who had a farm once. 
The owners of the farm talked about why important cows were. 
Not only did they make milk but they also helped in the process of making one of earth's greatest gifts: 
God bless America.
After everyone was shown Nick's inability to milk a cow, it was time to shovel poop. 
As you can imagine, Corrine was less than pleased to be doing chores at all, so shoveling poop was clearly not working for her. 

She tried, but then had to stop because of a hand situation, that almost sent her to the hospital. 
That's all according to her. 
Not one ambulance was called. 

I will say, Corrine is funny. 
She's a terrrrrrrible person, but she's like Paris Hilton & Nicole Richie morphed into one person from the Simple Life and tbh...
I love it. 

At the after party the women were tired of talking about Corrine. 
Astrid or Whitney...I have no clue honestly...said she was done talking about her.
To be clear: These are not the same people?
However, Taylor felt like it was important to talk TO Corrine further about why she was so offended about Corrine's napping. 

Corrine, hearing that the women were talking about her stated it was because they didn't really know her. 
She's a corn husk y'all. 
With pellets of information and buttery juicy corn... 

And honestly, it wasn't THAT big of a deal that she napped. 
She pointed out that,
 Abe Lincoln and Michael Jordan napped. 

She's not wrong
They were/are some of history's greatest nappers. 

Everyone knows Abe Lincoln's famous quote, "Four hours and 7 minutes ago, was the amount of time  I took a dope ass nap." 
It's written on the penny.

It's also a well known fact that "Space Jam" was actually a dream Michael Jordan had during a nap, and he woke up and scribbled everything down before calling Warner Brothers. 
Right down to Bill Murray being there and everything. 

So give Corrine a break you guys. 
She also got in a fight with Christina, who continually questioned her Corrine's maturity. 
To which Corrine replied, 
IS THIS MATURE?! it is not.

Throughout all of the conversations, Taylor, the mental health professional did a terrible job of facilitating the group process. 
No one's going to heal Taylor if you keep talking over people. 

Christina ended up getting the group date rose, while everyone else remained salty about Corrine's presence. 

The last 1:1 date was with Raven. 
She met up with Nick at Bella's soccer game. 
The amount of screen time Bella gets makes me wonder if he's her dad. 
I don't hate the plot twist, but it would explain a lot. 

Of course, Nick's parents were at the game. 
"Marry him. End the cycle."
Once they finished making Raven take a blood oath that if asked, she would in fact marry Nick, they went to the local skating rink. 
Where you can apparently just win a kid in a claw machine: 
If you thought they were impossible to win before...
I'm not kidding you when I say they were both graceful af on skates. 

Later, at dinner, Nick asked Raven about her last serious relationship.
Her response was basically three solid verses to Carrie Underwood's next hit. 
She caught her boyfriend cheating, essentially beat him, and then left. 
It's gonna be a chart topper. 

Raven is essentially Becca Tilley 2.0 and I'M HERE FOR IT.
Y'all know my stance: Becca Tilley for Prez, but now that she's booed up with Robert Graham, I'm campaigning for Raven. 

She got the rose, and they ended the evening skating like they were about to go for the gold. 

At the rose ceremony, Taylor was amped up to fight Corrine. 
Mainly because she didn't like her, but also because she wanted everyone to know that she knew what "emotional intelligence" meant. 

After Corrine had five or ten of the pigs in a blanket (yas girl)

she decided that she was going to confront Taylor. 

However, Taylor was too busy interrupting Danielle L., who took Nick first, even though she had a rose. 

So, Corrine interrupted Taylor and talk to Taylor.

She told Taylor she was not dumb and Taylor continued to say she wasn't dumb, just not emotionally intelligent. 

The conversation continued to escalate and though there is a threat of a punch to the face, we won't know if it actually happened until next week because the episode was....


 What are your thoughts?
Am I being too harsh on Danielle L?
Is Taylor going to stick around? Or will it be Corrine?
Let me know in the comments!