Jan 31, 2018

The One Where I Also Recap My Life...

Much like the month of January, this season has felt long. 
Has there been 4 episodes or are we moving into sweeps week? 
I mean we've probably been through 3 solid moon cycles.

This week the girls continued their trek for love to the Paris of Florida, Ft. Lauderdale.
Arie said that Ft. Lauderdale was the perfect place to fall in love, what with the boats, and the food, and the water.
Everyone knows those are the big three for a good love story.

The more Arie talks the more he reminds me of an older Joey Donner from "Ten Things I Hate About You."
I'm just waiting for him to ask one of the women which real estate head shot they like best,


I used to think he gave off a Danny Tanner vibe, but I mean Arie makes Danny Tanner look like a member of Guns n Roses.
He is such a snooooooze.

But, we're going to make it through this season.
I wanna see what this grade A dummy does.

The first date was with Chelsea, the mom, on a yacht.
The boat could be seen from the hotel, where the women got a telescope and watched from 30 stories up.
I'm not sure if it's always been this way, but this season it seems like there's a lot more super sleuthing during the dates.

And who gave them that telescope?
The producers either had to rent one, or bring one because I don't know a lot of hotels who have one on sight.
Or maybe I'm just staying at the wrong Holiday Inn.

Arie and Chelsea jet ski.


I'm not trying to have a bumper car flashback on you guys, but jet skiing is a hard no for your girl.

This one time I was in Key West and they took us jetskiing on the open ocean where like, sharks are actively seeking human flesh.
It was rainy and cold, and the I lost a contact and couldn't see anything, so I started crying so then I REALLY couldn't see, and the only thing that got me through the whole experience was me repeating to myself,
"If DJ Khaled can jet ski, I can jet ski."


I should use that for my audition tape if Peter's the Bachelor.

At dinner Chelsea tells Arie that she dated an older man who made her who he wanted her to be, and about six months after having their son, he left her for another woman who he now has a family with while she had to start over.

When she was talking about her struggle about being a single mom, Arie seemed a little too into it.

So clearly he ended up giving her the rose because Arie wants nothing more than a blonde lady with a kid.

The group date was with about 13 women at a bowling alley.
The name of game was extra time with Arie, so the women were in it to literally win it.
(Trust that I saw Arie lick the bowling ball, but going into detail about it will cause me to black out from the heebie jeebies.)

A bowling alley date is honestly my dream.
Let's take another walk down Jones Memory Lane.
I used to be on a bowling league when I was little so not to brag but I am adequate at bowling.
I had my own ball, shoes, and a bag.
The real reason why a bowling date is a dream date?
The food.
I. Love. Bowling. Alley. Food.
I wouldn't have even tried to participate in the date until I received the adequate amount of curly fries and card board pizza that's only good because you're eating it in a bowling alley.


The women are excited to bowl, and are focused on winning.
Krystalluhh is on the date and she is convinced that it is time for Arie to impress HER on the group date because she's made herself known.


Before the games begin, the girls get in what can only be described as a prayer circle where Krystalluh leads them in a blessing of the date.
Everyone is like "Yeah sure, Amen."

After the Blue Team (aka Krystalluhh's team) wins, Arie decides that it might not be fair to send the other team home.
Krystalluh is pissed.


She tells the women in the van on the way home that Arie didn't consult the winning team, that he told them what to do, and that he was a liar.
She said that she wanted to be in a relationship with someone who included her on decisions and told the women that her stuff was packed and that she wasn't going on the date.

The women are like, "K bye," and go down to meet Arie.
Arie's like "Yay the gangs all here."
And the women are like, "Krystalluh's not."
They tell him about everything she said and that she refused to come downstairs.
Needing an explanation, Arie goes to the room to talk to Krystalluh about why she isn't with the rest of the group.

Here's how the conversation went:

Arie: Why aren't you on the date?
Krystaluh: You said one thinguh and then changed your minduh.
Arie: It's just bowling. I wanted to extend time for everyone.
Krystaluh: I don't knowuh anything about youh.
Arie: You know the most about me.
Krystaluh: I knowuh.
Arie: Are you teaching me a lesson? You should stay up here tonight and know I'm not happy about it. I'll see you in a few days.


She has literally been to his home, so I'm unsure what she meant when she said she knows nothing about him.
Besides having a copy of his finger prints to get into lock boxes at the bank, she's probably gotten the most out of anyone.

Arie went back to the women who did a myriad of things to keep him entertained.
Meanwhile, Krystaluh got dressed and came down to the date.
Some of the women asked a lot of questions like, "Why are you here?"
"Are you a liar now because you changed your mind about coming down here?"
"You're fake."
Ok that wasn't really a question but it kinda went that way.
After being sufficiently shamed, she came to the decision that she was going to go back up to the room without seeing Arie.

At the end of the night the group date rose went to Lauren B.

Arie's last date was with Tia.
They went on a motor boat through swamp land and went to a house that was essentially surrounded by a moat of crocodiles.
Which is oddly how his home in Arizona is set up.
He's getting older, he can't really afford to have women leave him anymore.

The date was very sweet and Tia is 1000% too good for him.

At the time of the cocktail party the women are out for Krystaluh's demise.
Krystalluh on the other hand lets them know she wasn't ignoring them, she was in her room investing and discovering herself.

The women tell her she's gross and she is appalled they do not understand her.


To be honest she does seem like a jerk who would throw glitter bombs on people.
Hard to get rid of...just like her.

Somehow she gets alone time with Arie and tells her that she was triggered by her time in the bowling alley.
You see, it took her back to her childhood, because her mom used to work at a bowling alley and she spent a lot of her time there.
When Arie changed his mind, it reminded her of all the men her mom dated that would make promises and not keep them, so her mom would have to keep working at the bowling alley and she was just really messed about that.

She doesn't need to worry about pulling any muscles because that was a stretch.


Arie seems to take it all in, or not.
His blank stare is hard to read.
She says that they just had their first fight, to which he replies, "And it could be our last one."
LOL, no it won't Arie, the producers have them in their pool, she aint going nowhere.

The rose ceremony comes and I'm going to be honest, the remaining women are all blending together, and I can't remember who has already left and who's managed to stick around.
Like is Jacqueline not Bekah with long hair?
Who's a Lauren?
Where's Tia?
Did Sienne realize that she was way too good for this and leave?

At the end it came down to the very last rose, and Krystalluh waiting for her name to be called.
And it was....


Next week they go to ACTUAL Paris, so the women probably lock Krystalluh to that Lock Bridge. 
Is anyone standing out to you yet? 
Am I missing someone!? 
Let me know in the comments! 

Jan 17, 2018

Bye Bye Bibiana

If you follow me on twitter (@ashleyjonesy), you may have seen my tweet asking, from 1 to a root canal, how terrible Krystal was this week.

I just needed a gauge to see how terrible it was going to be because my reaction to her is what people call, "unnaturally aggressive." 

My friend Maggie said, "several root canals," so I just held onto my butt and hit play on my dvr. 

Chris Harrison, who seems to hate everyone more and more as the weeks go by, stopped in to tell the women that there would be two group dates and only one 1:1. 
He reminded them that not everyone would be on a date, and then said, 
"Later turds," and left do whatever he does all day. 
Probably bullet journal. 

The first date card mentioned something about being in a ring. 
When they showed up to the venue and they showed a wrestling ring, I was here for it. 
This is my wheel house. 
For some of you who may not know, I'm also a wrestling fan. 
I went to Wrestlemania about 4 years ago, and was in fact, Sting, for Halloween in 6th grade:
You can actually see me thinking about how cool I was.
So, needless to say I was pumped. 
Chris, back from practicing his hand lettering skills for future Bachelor wedding invitations, told the women they would be taking part in the Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor Wrestling League. 

It was a play on the hit Netflix series GLOW, where they ended up getting two of the original GLOW wrestlers from the 80's. 
These  GLOW ladies...
they have seen some shit, and did not care AT ALL about anyone's feelings. 
They talked trash to the women, and it got kinda uncomfortable. 

ESPECIALLY, when one of them asked Bibiana how she spelled her name, then asked if her mom knew how to spell. 

Let's just say that wasn't met with chuckles and knee slapping. 

The coaches went after Tia next, who left and started crying. 

Bibiana and Tia, talked it over, and decided they were going to kill the match, instead of killing the GLOW stars. 

As the women got ready for their matches, they were told they'd have to have "personas." 
Bibiana was Bridezilla. 

One woman was a lunch lady WITH a large mole. 

via @michcollhttps://twitter.com/michcoll

My persona would have been, Tori "The Chip" Tilla. 
My tag line would be, "I got a chip on my shoulder and today is NACHO day."

Thank you, Thank you. 

I'll be here all week. 
Next week too. 

The first fight of the night wasn't with the women, it was with Starry Arie and Pretty Boy Kenny! 

Somehow Starry Arie won...it's like it's predetermined. 

You'll be surprised to know that Krystalllluhh was on this date. 
She remained fairly under the radar during the date, but was the first to steallluh Arieeeuh at the after party. 

Arie told Krystalllllluh that it was hard to be around her in front of the other women. 
Which is essentially saying, "Please take my social security number, and start opening credit cards as Krystalluh Luyendyk," in her mind. 
When the two of them get together, they both get these evil laughs while they make out. 
They're like a couple scheming an old guy out of money. 
Is that the second week in a row I've referenced scheming an old person out of money? 
I watch a lot of Lifetime and ID Network too. 

Krystalluhhh asked Arie what he wanted her to do in group date situations? 
She said she didn't want to fall behind, and he told her to talk to him when she wanted attention, and to let him know she was there. 
Again she probably took that to mean, ug them up, cut their pony tails off while they're talking to Arie, but we'll see how that plays out the next few weeks. 
She clearly left that conversation thinking that she was the one, and that she was going to get the group date rose. 

Young Bekah also had some alone time with Arie.
She told him that she was recently in a long term relationship for about 2-3 years and that she was in love. 
Then when he broke up with her she was like, "meh, fine."
She's so mature.
They made out a bunch, he said he liked her a lot... 
Blah blah blah, he reaches for the group date rose, and while you see Krystallluh waiting to graciously accept, he gives it to Young B. 

If you look very closely you can see flames in Krystaluh's eyes in that moment. 
It was excellent. 

The next day at the mansion, we're treated to a conversation between Marikh and Krystalluh. 
Krystalluhh reveals, and hold on y'all this may shock you, she doesn't get along with girls very well. 
She had a friend in 8th grade whose boyfriend dumped her because he wanted to date Krystalluh. 
Krystaluh said she didn't date him (but did french a little because she's a good friend) but it didn't matter, her friend never forgave her.

She also told Marikh (who is also dating Arie btw) that her and Arie both know they want to be with each other and that this is the process that they needed to go through to get there. 

See Marikh's reaction below: 

When the 1:1 date card comes, Chelsea hopes her name is on the card. 
Because she's a mom...and needs to make sure she's there for the right guy...because of her momness. 

Instead it's Lauren 1, 2, 3, or 4. 
The date card said, "You had me at Merlot," and somehow with her critical thinking skills she determines they're probably going to a winery. 
She was correct. 

The date went by in a blur, mainly because she wouldn't stop talking. 
About what I don't know, but everything she said was, "amazing." 

The date was so bad that Arie actually ate his dinner. 

Even though she tried to salvage it Arie told her it wasn't working out and she was sent packin'. 

Back at the mansion Krystalluhhh told the girls that Lauren 1-4 told her that she had trouble being vulnerable. 
She encouraged all of the women to take advantage of their timeuhhh with Arieuhhh, because that's what she did on the groupuhh and 1:1uhhh. 

Caroline not being able to take it anymore walked out. 
She said that just because Krystalluhh met Arie's dog did not make her an expert. 
Preach it. 

The final group date card came, and said that things were going to get "ruff." 
Annaliese, at first excited that her name was on the card, instantly changed her tune when she found out the date probably was going to involve dogs. 

You see, Annaliese had a traumatic experience with a dog. 
Not the same day she was on the bumper cars, but a different day when she was playing with a dog who snapped and  bit her face and she almost lost her eye. 

The producers did yet another dramatic reenactment and let me tell you....it was everything. 
It's like an episode of Snapped and Law and Order rolled into the Bachelor, aka  My Heaven. 

So while everyone was psyched to see a puppy parade barreling towards them Annaliese tried not to make eye contact with any of them for fear they may have been there to finish the job. 

The women hung out with the dogs all day, gave them treats, and learned how to make them do tricks. 
Essentially a dream. 
They then had to perform those tricks in front of a crowd (people in a park) while Chris Harrison and Fred Willard (who looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there) provided color commentary. 

Chelsea was up first, and of course she was fine being on stage in front of people, but it was looking at the children in the front row that made her miss her own child. 
I'm not sure if you knew, but Chelsea is a mom. 

Everyone else tried and failed to really impress. 
Annaliese literally was on poop duty, and cleaned up after all the acts. 
Bet bumper cars didn't seem so bad at that point. 

Later in the evening, Arie talked to Chelsea and told her he really admired her. 
She told him she likes finding out who she was and she adores the person she's become after being around him. 
Eight days really puts in perspective who you are as a woman. 

Arie said she was incredible, and after making out with pretty much every one that walked near his mouth, he gave Chelsea the group date rose. 

At the cocktail party, ladies were on the hunt for time with Arie. 
Bibiana was determined to make a nice set up for the two of them so that they could finally have some alone time and get to know each other. 
She (the producers) set up a couch and a telescope in the front of the driveway. 
As she went to find Arie, others started taking advantage of the new lay out. 
And I mean really take advantage. 

Young B and Arie sprawled out and chatted. 
Young B told Arie that he probably was afraid of her because she didn't need him to be complete. 
And that he probably only dated people the needed him to complete who they were as people, and that's probably why he dated so many moms. 

I'm telling ya, that Semester at Sea really changes a person. 

Arie, not wanting to be out done by Bibiana (who never made it out there with him), set up hay bails and moonshine so that he could spend some time alone with Tia. 

Tia seems great, and really down to earth...therefore Arie doesn't deserve her.

Throughout the night, Annaliese finds out that she is the only person who hasn't kissed Arie yet. 
She goes to him, and essentially asks him to kiss her. 
He says he doesn't think they're there...yet. 
Annaliese is then interrupted and she's left to think about what that "yet" meant. 

What's surprising here is that Arie says no to kissing her. 
He's find checking the esophagus of all girls, but just not Annaliese. 

There are women climbing on top of him like they're in a Whitesnake video, and he's fine with it, but ask him for a kiss, how dare you ma'am. 
Good day. 

Annaliese finds him again, and asks if he really thought there was a chance they could be together. 
He said, "mmmm nope."
After walking her out, it became clear only one person was going home at the rose ceremony. 

It turns out sweet Bibiana was not the one for Arie, and was sent home. 
She was spunky and I liked her, but I'm sure we'll like her more in Paradise. 
Wells and Bibiana at the bar seem like a ton of fun. 

Next week it looks like Krystalluhh is turned all the way up, so I'm going to need to mentally prepare. 

Just thinking about her saying "Hiiiiuhhhhhhh" in her whisper voice makes me queasy. 

Overall I'm still thinking I like Becca the best. Also a big fan of Tia. 

What do you think? 
What did I miss this week? 
Let me know! 

Jan 11, 2018

It's Crystal Clear That Krystal is the Worst

This week, we start with Danny Tanner Arie overlooking the highway grateful for the extra help at home he has from Jesse and Joey  the journey he's about to take this week. 

At the Bachelor mansion, Mommy Dearest, is hopeful for a 1:1 date with Arie to give him the rundown about why she's so mysterious. 

However, she is given a rude awakening when the date card has Becca K's name on it instead. 
(Side note: my instafriend @katiezkelley pointed out that Arie signs his date cards with a star for the A. 
The man is 36 years of age. 

via abc.com
As Becca made her way outside, Arie provided her with a leather jacket that fit just right. 
She was shocked that he knew her size, but what she didn't know what that leather jacket held a secret. 
A secret of the traveling leather jacket...all who try it on, are able to wear it comfortably. 

As many of you have read here in the past, putting on a man's jacket to stay warm or a new jacket in front of people is a nightmare situation for me. 

What if i burst through and the sleeves come off, and I'm wearing a leather vest like Stone Cold Steve Austin? 
Or, you know, this is always a possibility too:

I digress.
They got on his motorcycle and rode off.

Krystalllluh said that she would have told him before they got on the bike that her dad was in a bad motorcycle accident and knew people who had lost body parts. 

Could you imagine, everyone outside, seeing them off, and she's like, "Wait...no...let's talk about motorcycle safety."

Becca and Arie went on what is best described as "Pretty Woman" date. 
Rachel Zoe styled Becca in her line and while I'm sad I didn't get any answers about whether she still talks to Brad and Tay (please make up you guys), we got to see all her new looks. 

Becca tried on the dresses for their dinner date, and modeled them for Arie. 
Enter yet another nightmare scenario for yours truly. 

She was also gifted all the looks, her own pair of red bottom Louboutins (had to google how to spell that), AND a pair of diamond earrings from Neil Lane. 

I'm sure that would have been helpful BEFORE she spent all that money on fancy dresses for the show, but hey, maybe she still has the tags on a few. 

All I could think about was the shopping spree scene from PW and was waiting/hoping for her to go back to the house and say to the ladies "Big mistake, HUGE." 

The night portion of the date was just dinner and a confetti box. 
Throughout the conversation Becca said she was glad he knew a lot about cars because she needed to get her brakes fixed. 
She honestly seemed pretty cool, and I've got her as a top fav for sure. 

Then you guys....I can't.....I can't really tell you how much this next date upset me. 
It was another 1:1 ...........with.............Krystalllluh. 
What...what fresh hell is this woman? 
When she found out her name was on the date card, she said that must mean she meant a lot to him. 

He told her he was going to take him to Scottsdale, AZ aka his home where they literally went to his house. 
I'm unsure how I feel about her knowing the exact address of where he lives, as she can accurately case the place, but to each their own. 

They watched home movies and we were reintroduced to the mother who is in love with him. 

Once she saw how close his family was she mentioned how NOT close she was with her family. 
As I typed that sentence it came to me who she reminds me of. 
Debbie from Addams Family Values. 
Really nice at first and then she burns her family house down when didn't get Ballerina Barbie but a 

She comes back to the house and all the women want the deets of their date. 
She is really vague about what they did. 
Probably because she doesn't want them to take the good bushes out side his home. 
She's got dibs.

The group date had FIFTEEN girls on it. 
They found out they were going to be participating in a demolition derby. 

All of a sudden Annaliese starts crying, and I mean really crying. 
She has trauma based on a bumper car incident when she was a child. 
She was stuck in the middle of cars that just kept bumping her and she was just so scared. 
You're probably thinking to yourself, "Self, isn't that just what bumper cars is?" 
And the answer is in fact, "Yes." 

And sure, all of us have some sort of traumatic story to tell from childhood. 
One time my shoe made a fart noise and everyone laughed at me and I couldn't replicate the sound again and no matter how many times I said, "It was my shoe, not me!" they still laughed and said I farted. 
You're probably thinking right now, "She probably did fart." 
Well I didn't. 
But that incident didn't stop me from wearing shoes for fear of future fart sounds. 
(That's actually a good follow up album name to Justin Timberlake's "Future Sex/Love Sounds.")
Someone tell him for me. 

Somehow Arie inspired her to get in the car, and all of a sudden she turned into Grave Digger. 

The girls get really into it and Seinne wins. 
Mommy Dearest steals him first at the after party to tell him why she's so mysterious. 
She tells him she has a three year old son. 
Arie tells her that's great and that he used to live with a woman who had two kids, but it didn't work out. 
Really, Arie? 
I don't think she thought you had an ole lady back at home waitin' on ya. 

When Chelsea rejoined the group she said that as a mother she needed as much time with him to make sure that she wasn't wasting her time. 
Marikh said that while she respected that Chelsea was a mom, but that didn't make her any more special, because everyone had a story. 

These girls do not play.

Later, Bibiana raged because she didn't have time with Arie, while others tried to calm her down. 
It didn't help, and she went home feeling her feelings. 
Meanwhile, we learn that Seinne went to Yale and is smart af and very chill. 
Arie seemed to like her a lot and she's a second fav of mine.

Arie faked out Mommy Dearest, by saying how he appreciated her revealing more about herself, but ultimately gave the group date rose to Seinne. 

During the cocktail party the women were tense and hoping to get as much time with Arie as possible. 
A quick refresh on who already had roses: 
-Becca K

A few girls talk to Arie, and then Krystallluh wanting to "follow up" with Arie interrupts Lauren B who didn't have a date that week. 

The women were angry, but not lighting their torches yet. 

Then she did it again...to Bibiana. 
She came back into the house and sat on the couch with the women who were still waiting for time with Arie, and they weren't having it. 
Especially Bibiana, who had some residual rage from the previous night. 

She told Krystalluhhh that she wasn't going to talk to her until she stopped using a fake voice, and that she just ruined any chance of the women respecting her time. 

Krystalluhhh apologizedduhhh but clearly did not care. 
It's sad she doesn't know that her bra is going to be in the freezer and her hands are going to be in warm water for the remainder of her time in the mansion, but she brought it on herself. 

The rose ceremony was uneventful, until he had to say goodbye to the women. 
Most said good luck, but Jenny? Jenny just walked out.
Arie went after to her and gave her a very uncomfortable hug. 
She told him she wasn't sad to leave him but she was sad to leave her friends. 
Sweet Jenny, you'll see them in Paradise, I'm sure. 

At the end of this episode I realized that more than anything, that I could find a way that let me watch this show, but not watch Krystal, but also know everything she says without listening to her actually speak.

She is my least favorite, and I don't remember the last time I haven't like someone so much on this show. 
She is just...gosh she's the pits. 
I'm hoping she doesn't stay for long, and I have a feeling that if Bibiana has anything to do with it, she may miss a flight or two. 

What were your thoughts this week? 
Any favs so far? 
Let me know in the comments! 

Jan 3, 2018

My rageful journey.....starts now.

As many of you know I've been suffering from MPKSBPCB. 
It's a rare condition that stands for Missing Peter Kraus So Baby Come Back

Honestly, what hurt the most, was being so close. And watching him walk away with having so much to say. And really never knowing...what could have been....
Alright you caught me, that's from Rascal Flatts "What Hurts the Most," but it remains appropriate. 

Also if you watched Emily's season and read the blog you know that I did not like Arie at all. 
He kissed like he was stealing her soul to stay wrinkle free, and I was afraid that Ricki would enter into a Rapunzel situation where he'd sing to her hair for more of a youthful glow. 

 So, the announcement of Arie being the Bachelor was essentially telling me I was allergic to potatoes. 

I wasn't going to watch this season, but you know I'm 31 now, and I'm mature, and have decided that I would watch this season with a rage in my heart that burned brighter than a fire of 1000 suns. 
If you need a visual of me watching every episode, please see below: 

So here were are. 

Honestly I forgot how uncomfortable his story was mainly because it happened 5 YEARS AGO. 
The recap of his love with Emily was a quick reminder that he was a little creepy. 
The journal he left on her door step that she didn't read? 
That was what people call...not good. 
I'm sure Ricki pops the mix cd he left on the door step in her boom box every now and then. 
Who doesn't love a little classic rock?
Panic! at the Disco and Simple Plan know no age limits. 

It's also weird how we're talking about Emily Maynard who essentially has 23 children under 4 years old. 
She moved on in 5 years but yet Arie just can't seem to let it go. 

He has since settled into real estate. 
He's ready to put a sold sign on his heart. 
He didn't say that, I did. 
But if the Bachelor folks need a writer for terrible tag lines, I'm available. 
I prefer to get paid strictly in soft taco supremes from Taco Bell. 

After Sean and Catherine Lowe (who have been married for 5 years and have two children) come and give Arie advice it's time to meet the ladies. 

While many of them were in their mid-teens when Arie was first on television, they seem to be pretty ok. 

Sure there are some who are dead behind the eyes and some who really just want free Fab, Fit, Fun boxes but overall it wasn't as painful as it usually is. 

Let's run down the big haps of the evening. 

There's the single mom, Chelsea, who calls Arie the "Batch-e-lor." She also talks to him in riddles and got v catty v fast.
She took him away first, and then interrupted and then kissed him.
Spoiler: She got the first impression rose and the women have a strong inclination to hate her already.

There was Tia the physical therapist from Weiner, Arkansas who gave Arie a little weiner...key chain. 
And out of the two questions regarding the size of Arie's junk, her's was the least amount of gross. 

Plus shes, Raven's (from Nick's season), best friend and since I loved Raven, I feel like she'll be a gem. 

A new one for the franchise was a ukulele playing taxidermy collector. 
So that's great for everyone. 
She's going for the quirky one, but when you sing a song to a taxidermy seal on a tree branch, you've crossed the line into creepy weird. 

Bekah is an ageless nanny. 
Word on the street is that she is very young, so they're making it mysterious. 
I'm sure her birth certificate is on the internet, and she drank on the show so she's at least 21. 
Either way, she pulled up in an old mustang to show off her new drivers license and told Arie she may be young but she could appreciate the classics. 

Arie being the classic. 
Get it? 
Because she's so young and he's an old car...
She kinda seems like one of those people who goes abroad for two weeks in college and then when they come back they act like they're qualified UN Ambassadors. 

She asked Arie what 3 things excited him the most and he said: 
1. Excitement (insert eye roll)
2. Adrenaline (concerned that's the same as excitement but whatever)
3. Pizza 
It looks like she sticks around awhile from the preview...so that's something.

Marikh owns an Indian restaurant with her mom, and I would like to make my face look like her face because she is so so pretty. 
Also Indian food is dope. 

Annaliese showed up as, "The Kissing Bandit" a play on what folks called Arie during his season. 
She wore a mask and during her one  on one time with Arie she revealed her true self which was a cute non-sweaty face. 
I would have to keep the mask on all night because had I revealed myself after drinking for several hours in a heavy dress I would have looked like this 
Props to pretty people, y'all. 

There was a girl who asked Arie to smell her pits, and called it a pit stop. 
.....bless her. 

A spray tanner asked him again if he had small junk. 
He again said no, so in case anyone was still wondering. 

While Bekah was still feeling pretty solid about her entrance in a mustang, Ricky Bobby's wife pulled up like....

So, she's probably gonna stick around for awhile. 

The last girl I want to chat about is Krystal with a K. 
She is an online fitness instructor (youtuber) who talkssssuhhh likeuh thisuhhhh in a raspy baby voice. 
When Arie asked her to tell him more about herself she said, "Well I'mmmuh a Librauhh."

She acts like woodland creatures help her get ready in the morning.
 Howeverrrrrr in the preview they show her go from her smiley sweet self to an evil dead behind the eyes kind of smile and it's like in Lifetime movies, when the nice step mom turns evil and tries to convince the old dad to leave the kids out of the will before she poisons him. 

I mean sure that's an oddly specific, maybe morbid, example but that's the vibe she gives. 
She scares me...and I'm here for it. 
Did anyone else see that switch or was it just me?! 

Overall, I'm thinking this will be at the very least a watchable season.
It kind of feels like I'm watching Danny Tanner date but all I need is some good drama folks.
It doesn't take much. 

Who are your favs so far? 
Anyone a clear final roser? 
Let me know in the comments! 

Jun 9, 2017

I Did Not Keep It Real...

Remember the old days when we were guaranteed a full Rose Ceremony every episode? 
Those were good times.

Now we are foreverrrrr being left with To Be Continued...
So all week I was a wreck about DeMario coming back. 
I couldn't eat, or sleep. 
I can always eat and sleep. 

We left DeMario at the gate, and that's where it was picked up. 
Rachel met him there and let him say his peace. 
He said, 
"You said I needed to keep it real. 
I did not keep it real." 

I don't know if there are any "Hot Rod" fans besides me and my two friends Sara & Dan but how he was talking kind of reminded me of this: 

He had the worst dry mouth, and started using his favorite quotes. 
I'm pretty sure he looked up "get her back" images on Pinterest in his car ride over. 
He said that, "In order to experience joy, you have to experience pain."
Rachel told him she understood that he wanted to move forward, but that it wasn't going to be forward in the mansion. 
Instead it was going to be the other way, because she was looking for a man not a boy. 

Once the guys were put their torches down, it was back to the house for antics and the rose ceremony. 
Tickle Monster had giant cartoon hands. 

Why did the producers find them? 
Why are they available? 
Why did Rachel pretend she liked them? 
We'll never know. 

Kenny let her know he was a dad. 
Just in case she forgot. 
I think he just keeps referring to himself as "Daddy"on purpose. 
I don't care for it. 

Another stand out during the rose ceremony, and really any interaction in the mansion, is that green velvet couch. 
I want to nap on it. 
I want people to come by and look at it. 
I basically want to get that couch and have a "Sip and See," for it. 

With all the DeMario drama I almost forgot that Whaboom and Blake were fighting. 
So when Whaboom told Rachel, that Blake had a crush on him I was immediately invested. 
According to Lucas (Whaboom), he woke up to Blake standing over him seductively eating a banana. 

Blake, however, said that couldn't be true because he doesn't eat carbs because he was on the keto diet. 
Well Chutney told Elle Woods that she was in the shower even after she got a perm, and we all know how that turned out, don't we. 

Blake and Lucas both thought they had saved themselves, when in fact, they both got sent home. 
Lucas was sad, but Blake was angry. 
There's a solid chance he's on a steroid diet, because Blake's response was,
"I'm going home with the clown?! Time to kill this guy!" 

They proceeded to yell at each other in the driveway. Blake said that Lucas was a clown, and said words I'll never unhear: 
 Whacka whacka, boop boop, fart joke. 
 While the start of a beautiful haiku, it didn't rile Lucas up enough to throw some fists. 
They DO live in the same town so I'm sure they'll be a stand off at high noon outside the local Ross. 

The first group date had essentially all of my favs on it, and they were going to see one of America's favorite people: Ellen! 
Ellen said that she tells herself every season she's not going to watch and then she gets sucked in. 
Don't we all Ellen...don't we all. 

 As they walked in Rachel gave Ellen the run down. 
Ellen wasn't too impressed by Tickle Guy....at all. 

Naturally she made all the men dance without their shirts on.
Praise you, Ellen. 

Alex truly got down to business and told us about his business when he confessed that he peed in the pool. 

It was also revealed that some of the guys had kissed Rachel before. 
Bryan and Will got into I kissed her/I kissed her better competition, and in a shocking move Bryan reached for Ellen's microphone. 
Bryan, sweetie, don't touch Ellen. 
She's a national treasure. 

Tickle Monster said didn't think any of the guys had kissed Rachel yet, and maybe it was just on the cheek. 
Precious angel,
That is not the case. 

Fred thought the date was an opportunity to show Rachel that he was a man and not the little boy that she kept talking about. 
Except then he asked to kiss her, and it wasn't that great, and she sent him home.  

Alex continued to impress during the cocktail party. 
He made a comment that Rachel was looking at his left eye when she talked to him, which meant she was focused on relationships. 

All damn week, I've been noticing I look at the left eye too. 
Just call me Ashley "Left Eye" Jonez. 

He ended up getting the group date rose. 
Even though, I would give a rose to Peter literally every day of the week. 

There was no date card for the 1:1 date card, but there was a 1:1 DATE with Anthony. 

Who I had never seen before until that moment.

They rode horses, on Rodeo Drive into all the stores.
They bought boots. 
They danced. 
It was....uneventful. 
He got the rose and made his way back to the house.  

In the mansion, Eric was freaking out because he didn't know if Rachel was genuine enough. 
He was pissed because he'd never been so into just one girl before and that she wasn't giving him anything. 

It was a little weird. 
He said he was going to set the record straight with her at the group date. 
Sounded promising.

Rachel showed up for the group date with her crew (again). 
They were probably still in the area because their planes didn't leave for paradise until the next day. 

They all got on a party bus and hit the road. 
Raven asked Lee and one of the other chiseled jaw lines who couldn't be trusted. 
They both said Eric. 
Raven said it was a red flag. 

They arrived at a Coyote Ugly style bar, but for women. 
The guys took their shirts off, and were told they were going to mud wrestle.

There was some pretty uninspired cat calling from the women to the shirtless men, like, 
"Show us your junk," and "Let me see that butt." 

At least make it creative ladies: 


How much do you think those women were paid? 
Like they probably have respectable full time jobs and now they're going to be gifs. 
Actually...maybe that's not so bad. 

Everyone thought Kenny was going to win mud wrestling because of his professional wrestling background. 
But he didn't, the other guy did. 

I could not tell you his name for one million dollars. 

Later in the evening, Kenny, not to be out done let us know that he used to be a dancer in Vegas. 
And showed her. 
I know I talk about how much I hate when people sing at someone... 

Add lap dancing as a tight, TIGHT, second on the:
Things that Ashley Hates List. 

Eric finally got to talk to Rachel, and she brought up her friends' concerns. 
They had a weird conversation but determined that everything was cool, and they were going to move forward. 
I think. 
It was a hard conversation to follow. 
During the conversation Rachel told him that Lee was the one who said something to her, so after he got off the couch he went to confront him. 
Lee said that he was suspicious of Eric because he'd never been in love before, and that he wanted to help him. 
Like a love coach. 
A little love coach, that has real controversy surrounding him this week...
Somehow, that conversation was also confusing to follow, but Eric summed it up best by saying that Lee had a lot of snake in his DNA. 

At the rose ceremony, Iggy went to Rachel to talk about Eric's opportunities for growth. 
Because he's Eric's fourth grade teacher at his parent/teacher conference. 

Rachel confronted Eric about Iggy's comments.
Eric and her had yet another non-descriptive conversation where he ended up keeping his rose. 

Iggy then went to tell Eric he spoke about him and Eric started yelling about his name being in everyone's mouth. 
We were then hit with another To Be Continued.... 


Lee seems to be prettttty icky moving forward.
I'm interested to see how next week plays out. 
I'm also interested to see Eric when he's not melting down. 
And if Iggy gives everyone good grades on their report card. 

What were your thoughts this week!? 

Let me know in the comments! 

Jun 1, 2017

Oh Who's This?

I don't know about you fine folks but I would have been fine if Rachel ended this season after her first 1:1 date.

But instead we had 3 dates and lots of drama. 

Chris Harrison showed up to talk to the men about their first impressions of Rachel. 
"I just woke up."
via abc
He told them that he wanted to make sure they were all there for the right reasons, and weren't going to waste Rachel's time. If you're a regular Bachelorette detective like me, you know that's what like to call foreshadowing...and that someone is in fact NOT there for the right reasons. 

The guys talked about how wonderful she was and DeMario talked about how great she smelled. 
Trying to throw us of YOUR scent aren't ya DeMario. 

Chris told them they there was going to be a group date, and approximately 100 names were on the date card. 
Rachel's note said she was looking for "Husband Material." 

The guys rolled up for some football and food,
 and then met up with... 

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. 

You read that right. 
Real A List movie stars, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, were there to help Rachel find love. 

The Bachelor Franchise is their guilty pleasure and they loved Rachel so much that they got a babysitter and made it happen. 

They weren't just trying to find a good husband for Rachel, they were trying to find a suitable man who could contribute equally to their relationship. 
They said they needed to make sure that her future husband was a guy who had a job AND health insurance. 
They asked who had both of those things and all the guys raised their hands. 
I noticed the, "tickle monster" self identified as employed with insurance, and I'm skeptical. 
I need to see his W2s. 
I mean sure there's probably a tickle monster union, but I need to be sure before he goes and tries to have a sustainable relationship with our girl. 

Ashton wasn't too impressed with the guys, in fact, he didn't think any of them were THE one. 
Mila on the other hand told him to calm down, and that it was only week two. 
Ashton said he knew day one, that she was the one for him. 
Which is adorable. 
But false. 

Because Demi Moore. 

The guys were tasked with a husband/father obstacle course. 
The winner would get extra time alone with Rachel . 
Whaboom ended up winning, 

spiking his baby, 
and underwhelming Ashton with what Mila called his "whazoozoo" 

As everyone picked their jaws off the ground, still reeling from Whaboom's win, the "aspiring drummer" Blake, said he knew just how to take him down. 

Here's the rundown: 
Blake, knows Whaboom, from outside of the show. 
In fact, Blake LIVES with Whaboom's ex-girlfriend.
Whaboom also brought department store make up to make sure he looked great on camera.

Lucas on the other hand, was nice enough, and showed that he wasn't a cartoon character come to life, ALL of the time.
And when confronted about his ex, he stated, that his ex actually thought BLAKE was the insane one.
Blake then said that's why she was getting evicted.
So overall, he seems like a great landlord, and Lucas knows how to contour.

Through all of the non-drama drama, Dean, who looks like " the cute one" in a boy band swooped in...

 and impressed Rachel enough to get the rose.
nailed it
Kinda seems like Ashton was right. 
I can't be sure if the ONE was in that group date. 

Meanwhile back at the house DeMario and Josiah were talking about who was going to marry Rachel. 
DeMario told Josiah that he would let him be the best man, because there was no way he wasn't going to win. 
He was there for Rachel Lindsay. Period. 
*cough cough* there's a clue *cough cough* 

The 1:1 date went to Peter.
The silver fox, from Wisconsin.
But not just with Peter...but with
 Rachel wanted to make sure that Peter was Copper approved.
"Firm handshake. Don't break eye contact."
They hopped (literally in Copper's case) on to the private plane and headed out. 
Copper had a very thoughtful outlook on the whole process. 
He quoted Maya Angelou....
Really wise dog. 
Really wants the best for Rachel. 

Peter said that he and Copper also had a connection, and felt like he could be a good dog dad. 
It was faint, but I'm pretty sure I heard Copper say, "I'll never call you dad!" but it wasn't really addressed. 
To be VERY honest, I would gladly start a dog family with Peter. 

They spent the day at Barkfest, which is probably the most magical date anyone could ever be on. 
They seemed to be vibin' pretty well.
That's what people say right?

At dinner they talked about their gap teeth, and how it added character.
Peter mentioned his last relationship left him in a weird place, and decided to go to therapy. Rachel mentioned that she had done something very similar and it became very clear that the show should end at episode 2 because they're meant for each other.

Rachel gave him the rose, and they headed outside with Copper for one more surprise.

I'm not going to lie, I was very concerned about a dog being at a fireworks date, but they gave him little ear muffs and I watched the rest of the episode through my tears because it was the cutest thing I've ever seen.

I may cry just looking at that picture. 

The final group date was a doozy.

The remaining dudes, minus my #1 love Bryan, met up with Rachel to play a little basketball.
Not just with each other, but with Kareem Abdub Jabar.

After running drills with Kareem, they found out they would be playing against each other, in front of a packed high school gym.
After they suited up, and took the court it was very apparent that they were all terrible at basketball.
Like the Looney Tunes, before Michael Jordan helped them in "Space Jam" were better.

DeMario was the only good player, and really caught Rachel's eye.
So imagine our surprise when a woman wearing a scrunchie on her wrist told Rachel,

that DeMario was her boyfriend.
Apparently they had been dating for six months, and then one day she just stopped hearing from him, and then suddenly saw him telling Rachel he wanted to wife her.
She also said that he still had keys to her apartment.

Rachel thought the best way to get to the bottom of everything was to bring DeMario out.
When she went back to the locker room to get him, the guys, and probably DeMario thought that he was getting the rose.
However he was greeted by....

He did his best y'all.
He did.
He tried so very hard to act like he was surprised, but an actor he is not.

Quickly he realized that he couldn't pretend and just went for the ole, "She's psycho" defense.
He asked if he could pull Rachel away and talk privately, because this was "real life stuff."
Rachel said, no because all of this was real life stuff to her and they were going to talk with her there.
He said that they weren't dating anymore, and that she was too crazy.
She swore on her father's graves, and two kittens sleeping her apartment, that he was still sleeping with her before he left for the show.

I don't know about you, but I'm gonna trust the girl with the scrunch swearing on her father's grave, that she's telling the truth.
She also swore on BOTH kittens.
It's real.

He continued to deny, but...whew.
She brought texts.
And we were all...

DeMario said that no matter what, he wanted to be there.
Rachel said she believed him, but he didn't want to be there for her.
Then she told him to get the f-ck out.
She stormed off, and it seemed like she didn't want to talk to anyone.
Not even Chris Harrison.
Who seemed a little guilty.

We know you knew Chris.
We aren't pleased.

Rachel went into the locker room and told the remaining guys, that they needed to leave if they weren't there for the right reasons, and everyone was shook.
They thought he was getting extra time with her, not sent home!

They stepped up their games though during the cocktail party.
I mean it got deep.
Talking about love languages and stuff.
Josiah ended up getting the group date rose, and reminded himself to text DeMario when he got his phone back, to tell him he could be HIS best man.

During the cocktail party, Rachel met with the guys.
Bryan cracked her back.

Some did magic tricks.
It seemed like it was business as usual.
Then security got a call there was someone at the gate.
It was DeMario.

He was back to explain himself.
As Rachel, went to go to talk to him...

the guys heard that he was there
and decided to storm the driveway and tell him to beat it.
All we were left with was a
To be continued...

What did y'all think?
Are you team, end the season and marry Peter?
Or are you, #copperforbachelor? 

Let me know in the comments! 

images from abc.com