Thursday, April 17, 2014

Bravo! I've missed you so...

100 days of blogging is going to have a few gaps obviously because well it's me and I'm flighty.
Last night I was thinking about things to write about, because I really want to blog as much as possible. 
But again...the flighty thing. 
Here's what happened last night. 

Let me start from the beginning. 
My name is Ashley and I love a lot. 
When I moved to Filet the cable we got was....less than stellar. 
Like we only got Bravo after 8pm, otherwise is was CSPAN-2 from midnight to 8pm the next day. 
The struggle was real y'all. 
To be clear, we also have CSPAN 1 - 8 as well. 
Why Bravo couldn't be 24/7 is beyond me. 

The fuzzy signal was a whole other can of worms that I can't even begin to talk about. 
Let's just say that ABC came in real fuzzy and I had stand with the cable cord over my head sometimes in an effort to be able to watch the "Bachelor." 
I have been living on the Oregon trail of television and it has been awful. 

I have random people's log in for HBO and Xfinity. 

Recently we got a cable hook up where I can watch real time TV with PERFECT signal on my iPad. 
The best part? 

So last night I got sucked into a "Flipping Out," "Million Dollar Listing," and Real Housewives trifecta that I couldn't turn away from. ! 

I'd talk more about the glory of the episodes, but "Scandal" is on so I gotta beat cheeks outta here and see what Olivia is up to. 
Imma recap the crap out of that finale. 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Hyperbole & a Half

My favorite blog of all time is "Hyperbole & a Half."
Allie Brosh is the genius behind it and is essentially the light of my life. 
I spent Sunday morning reading her book outside of Starbucks and probably looked like a crayzeee person from giggling so hard.
She writes about everything but her humor and storytelling are truly top notch.
She wrote a post about why she was never going to be an adult a couple of years ago and it was like she was in my brain. 

Generally I feel like an adult 4% of the time.
I mean sure I pay my bills and I shower but for the most part I am nothing like the adults I consider...adults.
(This post will clearly get me the Pulitzer Prize.)
Reasons why I'm not adult like:
-I live in a residence hall
- I pick things up with my feet so I don't have to bend down
- I do not know how/what a retirement fund is
- I eat chips in my bed
- I play a stressful game of garbage Jenga until it is absolutely necessary to take out the trash.
- I wait until the end of the week to bring my coffee cups home from my office.
To be clear my office is down the hall from my apartment
- I own one stock...Krispy Kreme Donuts
That is not a lie.
In fact both Barb Jones and I both own stock in Krispy Kreme.
- I am not a morning person.
- I do not eat breakfast at a table every morning...more like on the go.
- I turn the lights off to go to bed at 11:30 and end up looking a Groupon, Living Social, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, email, repeat until 1am.

But today was one of the days where I was determined to be the best adult I could be.

I walked Doug earlier than usual.
Sent out a ton of productive emails.
Took out my garbage.
Unloaded the dishwasher
Loaded the dishwasher back up.
Used my overly ripe bananas to make banana bread instead of throwing them away (I mean c'mon I'm essentially Martha Stewart).
Made guacamole from scratch:
Along with some homemade salsa.
Didn't let the banana bread burn. 
Folded and put away my laundry from last week.
Watched one second of the real people news as opposed to the all celebrity all the time news I frequent.
Googled "where are they now?" for the cast of "Heavyweights."
(Fun fact: Gerry from the movie now looks like Lars. My mind was blown.)
Turned off my TV at a reasonable hour, and will only indulge in checking Instagram and Facebook before bed. 

Much like Allie says in her blog, this will not last long.
Tomorrow I will return to my old ways of picking things up with m'toes 
and continuing to make a list of "Things to ask Barb Jones When She Visits."
Top of the list:
- How do I get a retirement?
That's how you ask for it right?

Monday, April 14, 2014

Doug...the best in the world

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before but....I have a dog...named Doug.
He's essentially the light of my life. 
Sure he eats all of my chapstick
Ate one of my DVDs
Ate a pair of my favorite shoes
Pees when he's excited
Pees when he's not excited

Pulls all of the cushions off the couch to make a personal dog bed
Yanks my arm off to chase what he thinks is a squirrel but is really just a plastic bag
Seeks out clean laundry to sleep on
Ate a fortune cookie but mysteriously left the fortune.
His lucky numbers were: 47 36 21 14 5 in case you wanna play those bad boys.
Ate a pretzel out of my hand earlier today...

He's the best little dude ever.
He's always super pumped to see me 
Would be happy if I didn't go to work all day and instead rubbed his belly for 8 hours
Is friendly to just about everyone he meets...
excepts the squirrels...and birds...and some dogs but mostly everyone.
And he does this:

Why am I writing about him?
Because at the end of a semi-crummy day I'm glad that I come home to his big dumb face.

Plus who doesn't love a post about a cute dog?

Friday, April 11, 2014

Just in case you're wondering...

In case you were wondering what a hot single lady like myself does on a Friday night here's a glimpse into a conversation with my best friend: 
I'll report back and let you know how that one burpee goes. 

Thursday, April 10, 2014

National Siblings Day

Today is National Siblings Day.
My timeline has been full of pictures of people with their adorable siblings. 
I'm an only child so I didn't want to miss out on the fun. 
So while sitting in my office,
 I attempted to take a picture of my arm around an imaginary person just to feel included in the sibling fun. 
Right about that time a student walked by the big window in my office and saw me take said weirdo picture. 
So, clearly he will not be coming to me anytime soon for a roommate situation...or ever. 

I confessed this on facebook and my biff Sara said:

So I did that too:

Thanks for always being there for me Whiskers and Tabby. 
You're the best!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

True Life: I snore

I'm here to admit, that I, Ashley Jones, am ....a snorer.
I have been for awhile now.

Falling asleep in public places covertly is not on my list of strengths. 
Sleeping (and sounding) like a bear however, #1 of my napsquest. 

It's doesn't happen EVERY time I sleep...but it does happen like 98% of the time. 

I hate it. 
I feel bad whenever I have to share rooms or have sleep overs because I know I'm potentially keeping someone awake. 

It's pretty embarrassing to know that although dainty and delicate during the day, (ha), at night I turn into a 
snory shebeast that allows no one their rightfully earned trip to Sleep City. 

I try to will myself to have a silent night of sleep. 
I give myself pep talks like:
"Hey Jones, don't be a huge fart bag and keep up your friends." 

I envision peaceful images of babbling brooks and Justin Timberlake dancing to aid me in my peaceful slumber.

How I think I look when I'm asleep:

What I really look like when I'm asleep:

All of this came roaring to my attention this past week when I shared a room with 3 patient souls at a conference.
I bought them ear plugs and wore breath right strips and tried to win their love so that I wouldn't be smothered. 

The icing on the cake was this past weekend at the initiation weekend for Alpha Delta Pi.
I vowed I would repeat this story to no one because it's so embarrassing but you know, 
when has that ever stopped me?

Let me set the scene for you: 

A bunch of women in a small room, doing cool stuff I can't tell you about or else. 
That room gets hot, ya girl here gets shaky, clammy, and a little pass outty....that's a of now. 
 I was told to take it easy, and rest in the back of the room. 
I did. 
And fell asleep. 

So hard in fact, that my body knew I was probably making a lot of noise. 
As I jolted awake, I heard a woman say, 
"No there isn't a man back there...just a Sister." 

This sister: 

Then I died. 
This is a ghost writing this post. 

I will probably be invited to zero other initiation events in the near future. 
Or ever. 
Guess that frees up a lot of time for me to hit the SNOOZE button on the weekends. 

I know. 
I'll see myself out. 

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

A Comprehensive List

I am currently sitting here on my bed staring at this:
That my friends is the biggest hunk of clothes I have allowed to pile up to date.
I will now provide you with a comprehensive list of everything on earth I would rather do than fold and put away this monstrosity. 

- Have a routine dental exam
- Have gum stuck in my hair
- Clip Doug's toe nails
- Clip Lindsay Lohan's toe nails (you know those b's are nasty)
- Clean the dishes in the sink (update: those are now clean)
- Walk 500 miles
- Then walk 500 more
- Give an angry raccoon a bath
- Play one round of Jumanji 
I immediately take that one back. 
- Watch "Gigli" on repeat for 24 hours
- Glue my fingers together
- Get a paper cut
- Eat vegetables
- Babysit a teething toddler
- Hang out with Olivia Pope's mom from "Scandal"
- Ride in the middle seat on an airplane for the rest of my life
- Eat trail mix without m&ms
- Play that game where someone has their hands under your hands and you have to move them before they slap them...aka the worst most anxiety fueled game on the planet 
- Yard work
- Completing all the fitness tests that you had to do in elementary school...however someone would need to be hear to hold my feet for curl ups. I roll around like a turtle on its back otherwise. You're welcome for that image.

So yeah that about sums my night up.
Hopefully no one minds me wearing my Wrestlemania sweatshirt to work tomorrow because all my office clothes are hidden in that pile.
With the energy and work ethic I have designated to this task I may be wearing a belted night shirt by Friday.
Pray for the residents of my building...for their eyes will never have seen such a sight.