Nov 25, 2014

A birthday wish...

Well folks, it's that time of year again: Ashvember. 
That's right, the completely made up birthday bonanza that I created for myself.

And because I'm turning 28 in just a few hours, I wanted to throw out a last minute birthday list item I am dying to have.

Sure, I asked for a new set of pots and pans, a new jacket, and other boring practical things an adult should ask for but I forgot to add the one thing that would really set my 28th year on earth off right.
I mean the gift that would truly spice up my life... and yours for that matter.

A t-shirt cannon.


Have you ever been at a sporting event and lost your mind when you see that mascot come out with one?

The answer is yes, because you have, because free shirt.
And sure, you're at the top of the stadium, but it's a cannon.
So even though you may not get Lebron's digits, you still have the chance to snag a t-shirt that says something like
"Dunk this Donut...into some coffee!"
(I don't know's all I could think of.)

A couple weeks ago I was doing a presentation for a group of professionals and said,
"Hope you all are ready for this because at the end I'm bringing out my tshirt cannon."
The look of joy on their faces and immediate disappointment when I told them I was just kidding led me to two conclusions:
1. I really let those folks down.
2. I need one of those things more than anything.

Think about how much fun parties would be!
It wouldn't just be used for t-shirts either.

"Ashley could you hand me a biscuit."
"Sure mom hang on just a second."

Really possibilities are endless.

So in case you're in the mood to pay it forward...holla atcha girl. dig it?

Too much?
You know what would make up for that lame joke?
If I shot a t-shirt into the air and you caught it.

Nov 1, 2014

My Halloween Pet Peeve

I know that Halloween is coming to a close, but as I sit on my couch, on call, waiting for the duty phone to ring it got me thinkin' about the costumes I've seen my past 27 years on earth.

 One costume in particular, really grinds my gears.
The overly sexy librarian.

Maybe it's because I wanted to be a librarian so bad when I was little that I created my own library with my own book tags and check out cards.

And that when I entered a beauty pageant and they asked what my preferred profession was I stated
"Country Singer Librarian,"
because I was a little bit country and a little bit Roald Dahl.

To be clear, I'm not debating that there aren't hot, attractive, or cute librarians in this world.

As a matter of fact Barb Jones worked in our library at my middle school and it was great.
Not only is she a total muffin:

but she got to scope out the Scholastic book sales and snag the best unicorn/Lisa Frank/WWE bookmarks for me.
(I had a wide range of tastes)

You know what Barb Jones never wore?
Uncomfortable heels.

Or Arthur.
But you treat that aardvark literature with the same respect.

Not to mention it's a safety hazard.
Having that much skin exposed with the imminent threat of a paper cut?
You have got to be outcha mind.

Maybe it's just me being a curmudgeon.
These days they'll make the most sacred things scandalous.

The only thing scandalous about my elementary school librarian Mrs. Calendar was her intense love and respect for a little someone named Dewey.
Perhaps you know him better as the Dewey Decimal System.

Oct 15, 2014

You're Never Too Old...

To go to a boy band concert.
At least that's what I told myself as I entered Lincoln  Financial Field to see One Direction.

A co-worker of mine and I had been talking about our mutual love for One Direction all summer and mentioned how we'd both love to go to their stadium tour.

To be completely honest I would always try to say
"Yeah I'd totally go" with a little sarcasm just in case she wasn't 100% invested in screaming and making t-shirts that read,
"Will Marry Harry" on them.
Because in my heart, I was that committed.
7 years isn't that much of an age difference.
However, when she emailed me that she got tickets and that we were going I immediately dropped everything and made a playlist dreams are made of.

As a seasoned boy band concert goer I felt like I was cheating on my true loves:

Would a concert by any other group of five be as sweet?
Because nothing will ever beat them and they are perfect, and if you want to get into a BSB v. NSYNC battle I will gladly take off work tomorrow, create a message board, and wage a war of words.
Screen name: NSYNCwithmypriorities86

However, there were things about the One Direction concert that remained consistent with the concerts I went to in my youth.

An opening act that you loved and were planning to become further obsessed with when returning home. 

One of the five times I saw NSYNC (that was a brag I can't even get around it) I fell in love with SoulDecision.
That one kind of backfired... mainly because they only had one song.
Granted it was amazing but still.

1D had Five Seconds of Summer open for them and let's just say I never get "Amnesia" amiright?

Too Dad of a joke?

The wave.

Every good NSYNC show had a wave and this was no different.
Teenage (and 20 somethings) go ape over a wave that went all around the stadium, and if it went around TWICE.
Forget it.
Make two wishes on 11:11 because your luck was going to sky rocket.

During the intermission between FSOS (that's what the kids call them) and 1D there was a huge thunder storm.
You know that when teenagers get wet it causes them to act much like gremlins and lose their effing minds.
The wave was intense, a little aggressive, and very successful.

Parents that don't know what they've gotten themselves into.

The first time I ever saw NSYNC was because my dad won tickets from a lottery at work.
About 4 songs in and 2 bleeding ear drums later he tried to convince me through the hysteric screaming (mine included) that the concert would "Be over soon, so we should head to the car."
I think I must have had a rage black out and told him to sit down because we weren't going until I could no longer see even a glimpse of the ramen noodled hair of Justin Timberlake, because we remain until the last piece of confetti shot from a shirt cannon fell from the sky.

One Direction parents seemed to be in the same boat as Tim Jones.
Scared but playing it cool.

A girl in the crowd that claims it's her birthday.

One time I did go see NSYNC on my birthday.
However, I pulled a rookie move.
I showed up wearing my best tear away pants, Old Navy logo shirt, and no birthday crown.
You can imagine my shock when a girl claiming it was her birthday and that she had a cold got moved 4 rows closer to my five favorite people on the planet.

It was then that I learned that everyone should have to bring their birth certificate and two forms of identification to a concert if they were going to claim a birthday exemption.

1D fans clearly were up on the gig because two sisters ages 8 and 14 respectively claimed it was BOTH of their birthdays.
And then Harry sang to them.
How convenient.

It still stings.

Screaming for hours and the voices of the guys being distorted. 

It turns out that if you scream in a loud high pitched tone for a consistent 5 hours for anything and everything it messes with your ears.

To the point where Niall sounds like Alvin.

But you just keep screaming because Harry is there...

And he's singing "Story of My Life"

And is putting a British spell on you... 

So you just keep screaming and singing because you're 27 dammit and you'll go crazy crazy crazy til you see the sun, and although you definitely didn't get some, you lived while you were young. 

(Yes I did try to use lyrics to a One Direction song as closer.
and I regret nothing.)

Sep 29, 2014

That time I met my idol...

In July my best friend Sara sent me a link to a story about Tina Fey coming back to Upper Darby, PA. 
She was going back to the Upper Darby Performing Arts Center, the community theater that she talked about so lovingly in her book. 
There was going to be a "Mean Girls" 10th Anniversary screening followed by a meet and greet, and all ticket sales would go to raising money for a new sound system for the theater.
Naturally I thought:
I want to go to there. 

Then I read the kicker: 
If you called in the day tickets went on sale you could buy a higher priced ticket and 

Meet her. 
My idol. 

Because I'm a super crazy person I decided to not tell a ton of people about my plan.
I didn't want to jinx it.
Because I believe in jinxes.

The day the tickets went on sale I was so nervous.
I dialed the number at 9:58 hit send at 9:59 and had purchased my ticket by 10:03.
Part of me wanted to yell it to anyone that I walked by,
Why I would be so aggressive about it I don't know, but in the moment it felt right.
Because I believe in the ever present jinx I refrained from putting it on any sort of social media.
Anything could happen, and I didn't want to be the girl who cried Tina.

So I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited for my package of instructions and golden ticket to come in the mail.
Finally, after hovering so much by our mailroom and creeping people out I decided to call the box office.
Here's how the conversation went:

Nice Box Office Employee: "Ma'am hi, we sent those out two weeks ago. You should have received yours."
Nice Box Office Employee: That's ok ma'am these things happen, you're on the meet and greet list, everything will be good to go.
NBOE: "Bye now."

As you can imagine I was in a straight up panic.
Where the f was my ticket?

Turns out one of the summer employees was returning all mail sent to the address who didn't belong to the summer program living in that building.
All of it.
Just sending it back like it didn't have a home.
To say I planned a pay per view street fight in my mind is an understatement,.

Up until the event I silently panicked that the Nice Box Office Employee would have forgotten all about me and I would weep on steps of  Upper Darby High School.

But I got there, they let me in and I was directed into the meet and greet where we were told to write down a question for Tina, that she would possibly answer during the Q&A after the movie.

The question I wrote:
"The episode of '30 Rock' entitled "Sandwich Day" taught me that you could have it all. Having said that, if you could be a topping on a sandwich what would you be?"

I dropped it in the pile hoping that I would gain insight on a topic very dear to my heart.
Selfishly I was hoping she would say cheese and then break into:

Then like a beacon of light she walked into the room, and everyone got in line to meet her.
I was second in line.
I panicked so hard.
When it was my turn to speak it went like this:
Me: "Hi. I can't believe this. I'm just just just...I"
Tina: "It's going to be ok..."
Tina: "nervous laughter (probably looking for security) yes we are going to be ok."

I can't believe that I typed out a conversation that Tina f'ing Fey and I had with each other.
But I did and it happened.
I told her that the episode "Sandwich Day" changed my life, and then asked her to take a picture with me in which she did the classic Liz Lemon eye roll.

She said, "But then people will think I don't like you."
I said, "That's ok Tina."
be still my heart

I also asked her to sign my "Live From New York" book that is 600 pages of pure SNL facts.
I apologized for asking her to autograph so many things and told her if she wanted, she could sign my forehead.
She told me should wouldn't out of respect for me.

After watching "Mean Girls," she came out and did a Q&A with her best friend Damien who was in the community theater with her and the inspiration for Damien in the movie.
Cut to Jones was weeping from fandom in her seat sitting next to only strangers.

When it got to the audience questions, Damien said,
"This question is from Ashley Jones."
My sandwich topping was asked and she answered in the most beautiful way possible.
If she could be a topping on a sandwich she would be crushed up potato chips.
An angel sent from heaven y'all.

I had a video and more pictures of the evening but when I updated my phone they were deleted.
After I post this I will be writing an email to Steve Jobs in heaven about getting iOS8's shit together.

In closing, I met my idol.

I was kind of afraid that she wouldn't be this mythical perfect creature that I had built her up to be in my mind, but she was better.
She was so thoughtful and made sure to meet everyone.
She was there supporting her community theater that meant so much to her and was consistently a home to people who had a passion for the arts.

It was such a neat night to be a part of and I can honestly say
nothing will ever top it.

Maybe the birth of my child.
But who knows.
The kid will have to be real cute.

Sep 18, 2014

Back from the Residential Living

It is I, Jones. 
I'm not only back from the Resident Living marathon that is training. 
I'm also typing from my brand new laptop that I bought all on my own, without a credit card. 
So what I'm telling you is, 
I'm back and I'm Carrie Bradshaw. 
With sloth socks instead of fancy shoes. 

A lot has happened since I've last posted.

I met my idol.
I went to a One Direction concert.
Farmer Chris became the Bachelor.
I ate ice cream that had a donut in the weight loss is going super well.
300+ first year residents moved into the building.

And I plan on telling you all about them...
tomorrow-- because this is me right now:

Aug 26, 2014

West Coast Blawg Post on Toast

Allie's West Coast Update: 

Tupac's turn. Sorry, I mean Allie's turn. I mean West Coast Update.

I just want you to know how seriously I'm taking this east vs. west showdown. I'm only eating Cripps apples. WESTSIIIIIIIDE. 
Disclaimer: I'm not actually promoting gang life or a Bloods vs. Crips showdown. I just love taking jokes too far. 

Let's talk about something I like to call I am a jerk and just realized I never wrote back to anyone who (bravely) submitted their weight for WiW
Yes, you read that correctly. I am a poopface and vow that I will have more timely responses and will not be a poopface moving forward. 
Please continue to email your weights to
 (we have 3 awesome ladies who have joined so far - props/kudos/shout outs to Evita, Mandy, and Brigid)! I'm tracking everyone's progress in a spreadsheet and have been using the formula:

(weight lost / previous week's weight) x 100 = % lost 

Moving right along, things are going well-ish in Allie-land as far as weight loss goes. I'm on day 9 of a Whole30. I've cheated twice - I had gorgonzola on one salad and then feta on another last weekend. Oh and I also drank my weight in wine. Sue me. My life, my rules. We had a surprise party for my friend last weekend least I avoided the cake, cookies, pizza, etc. Right? RIGHT?! The good news is that I'm down 4 pounds and feeling fine. And, as Jonesy mentioned in her update, she's down 3 pounds so...GO US.

The real deal is that it's hard! It's nice to be able to be making the right food choices challenging. I've heard it all before - I didn't get fat overnight so I'm not going to lose the weight overnight. I get it. Yesterday, Jonesy and I had a very serious gchat about sour cream. I mean...what? Who does that? There might be something wrong with us. 

(PS - even watching this gif makes me want waffles)

Overall, full steam ahead. Stay tuned.

Now I'm interested in your input. If you feel like answering, holla back y'all. To the fellow ladies/gents who may be dealing with weight issues (or even those who aren't) - how do you feel about the#LoseHateNotWeight body acceptance movement making its rounds on the interwebs? I want real and honest answers! 

Tupac out. 

Aug 21, 2014

Worst BIP Recapper Ever

Last week, I had half a post done, and then got distracted and never went back to it. 
This week I missed the first 14 mins and didn't have time to catch up. 
So I'm going to give the recap of 1hr and 46 mins that I was able to watch. 
And then I'll think about what I did and be better next week. 

When I tuned in, Elise had been given a date card for her first 1:1 date. 
Ashlee was fuming as she stirred her witches cauldron, because she deserved to go on a date with Graham. 
Lacey, an old pro and officially a common law wife of Robert in Bachelor standards, said that Ashlee was being terrible. 
Lacey enjoyed all of the time she was spending with Marcus, and Ashlee should learn to cherish that as well. 
Old couples have the best wisdom to give. 

At some point Danielle showed up asked Marquel on a date. 
Marquel moon walked and it was a pretty lame time. 

Meanwhile back at the house, Elise asks Chris to on a date with her, because he signifies hope. 
To Chris, Elise signifies a smokin' hot body. 
On his way back to the house, or in the ocean, or climbing out of his douche castle, Chris blows out his knee.
And then only talks about how bad his knee hurts for the rest of the episode. 

During the date Elise talks at him, about how he is her prince charming and how he will be blessed for being so good to her. 
Chris said that she talked a lot but essentially was ready to get it in. 
I believe his words were "I'm ready to get down and dirty." 

In the pool they make out while he yells about his knee. 
It immediately reminded me of the "lovahs" from SNL. 

I was waiting for Chris to yell out, 

The next day they go to the hospital and Elise goes on another long monologue about how Chris's pain is the reason she came to Paradise and how badly she wanted to be a care taker for him. 
Chris essentially ignores her as she gets him ice and water. 
Fantastic Sarah tries to talk Elise out of buying a wedding dress on ebay, but Elise pushes back and says that she's ready to be hurt. 
I don't know if she is a robot or if she ate a lot of paint as a child, but she dumb y'all. 
Real dumb. 

Meanwhile Michelle is trying to convince us that she has a real connection with Robert. 
Get it. 
Because it's lame, and doesn't work?

She and Clare plan a double date, that was actually zero percent cool. 
Sarah (my favorite) was left in the house, upset because she felt like she made it pretty clear she liked Robert. 
Then she cried, and thought that Robert was too good looking for her, which made me want to start crying because she's the most normal and great. 
I got a soft spot for lack of confidence.

Michelle really laid it on thick, and let Robert know that he was her type of guy.
To be honest I think her only requirement is breathing.

As everyone was hanging out on the beach someone began to walk towards the bonfire.
My initial thought was: "Duh, Little Mermaid."
My next thought: "It's the start of a swarm of Graham's rescue team to save him from Ashlee."
My last thought: "Oh it's Jackie from Sean's season."

She arrived with a date card and asked Marquel if he would go with her.
He immediately said yes, and Michelle became a fire monster.

According to her, CLEARLY Marquel was there to seek out every opportunity and find a relationship.
Sure that's one way to look at it, but maybe he's not trying to settle and exploring people who seem to be interested in him.
I think that's called dating?

I did feel kind of bad for Danielle because she felt like she had an amazing time with Marquel.
That probably does suck, but it didn't really seem like he was that into her from the beginning.
I don't hate the game he's running, but that could just be because I love him so much.
Ya know because we're bffs and all.

During his date with Jackie, I thought it was one of the more entertaining and natural ones of them all.
She seemed funny and wasn't just telling him how much she liked him from the tv show she watched.
I dig them.
They make sense.

Back at the crazy hut, Ashlee asked Graham to go on a date with her.
Not long before that we were treated to a special scene where he confessed how terrified he was of Ashlee to Michelle.
While Ashlee expressed how "hot" her and Graham's babies would be.
Can babies be hot?
Like has anyone ever seen a hot baby?
I'm gonna go with probably not.
Beyonce is hot.
Blue Ivy is not.
She also said that she couldn't wait for Graham to meet her dad.

During their date (in the same location as Chris and Elise's night of passion) Ashlee wore a long tight tank top and wedges.
Oh I'm sorry, this just in, what she was wearing was considered "a dress."

She told the camera that she was gonna get what she wanted and that something was Graham.
She said that he was everything she wanted in a man, and he was ELEGANT.
The words, "I follow your social media accounts," was her response to why she liked him so much.
If that's an appropriate answer in telling someone why you like them, then I should have Adam Levine, Justin Timberlake, Sean Lowe, and Farmer Chris as my brother husbands.

She also said, she didn't care if he wanted to sleep in two rooms or not, she was going to have her man.
Because ya know, she's a free spirit.
I guess, free spirit is what we're calling "bunny boiler" these days.
During the rose ceremony Michelle tried to prove so hard to Robert that she was the one for him, while Chris B. was carried into the living room like Regina George.

Ultimately here's how the roses went:

Marquel to Jackie
(Danielle was then heard calling paradise, Marq-hell, which was funny but untrue.)
Robert to Sarah
(Hell yes.)
Graham to Ashlee
(While he mouth "help me" to Chris Harrison.)
Marcus to Lacey
Zach to Clare
And Chris B to.....Elise? Kind of?

So here's what happened.
Chris told Elise that he really liked her but couldn't give her the rose because he was going home.
However,  there was a twist, he wanted her to come back to Chicago with him.
She accepted, and everyone was confused.
My theory was that he needed someone to carry his bags for him in the airport.

He then told Michelle that she deserved to find love, and gave her the rose so she would be able to stay.
Michelle then cried for what seemed like a year, and said what Chris did was the nicest, most amazing thing that has ever happened to her.
Fact check: She has a kid right?
Shouldn't that be like, I don't know, number 1ish on that list?

Next week more people arrive and it looks like the crazy clash finally happens when Clare is pushed to far by Ashlee.
I think Ashlee runs into the jungle, but what I am pumped for the most is:

What are your thoughts so far?
Who's your favorite couple?
Do you think they'll start breaking up soon?