Jul 22, 2014

Get My Man's Name Outcha Mouth

I'm going to be honest. I fast forwarded through a lot of the Men Tell All last night. 
Like a good 60% because I was boredddduh. 
(Looking at you Marcus.)

There were a few highlights so let's get to them. 

The men all wearing scarves at the beginning of the show let us know that they heard our out cries for less marves (man scarves) in the future. 
At least that's how I interpreted it. 

They focused a lot on Marquel and Chris so naturally my heart was full of love and light. 

I mean Marquel's cookie pin?
It's everything. 

Did you die, when Andrew called Marquel, Ron when addressing the racist comments?
Because I literally floated out of my body from sheer horror and watched as Andrew put both feet in his mouth. 

 I went from Casper to Tom Cruise on Oprah when Chris got all intense and hot and awesome when he called out JJ for being a punk. 
actual footage of me
Also was it just me or was JJ's bow tie, clown sized?
"Whatever Chris. Where did you buy those pants? The toilet....store?"

Marquel talked about how he was super great at friendzoning himself with women, which I find terribly hard to believe.
Yet I totally understand because I pay a pretty hefty mortgage on my home located in the neighborhood of Friendzonia.

He then threw cookies into the crowd which I would have knocked women on the floor for.
I would have liked it a little more if he shot them out of a t-shirt cannon, but to be honest with everyone here, I just really like anything shot out of a t-shirt cannon.
I should probably invest in one.

I fast forwarded through everything that Marcus said, and through the awkward ultrasound.
I also fast forwarded through the majority of that broad who wanted to date Chris. 

The caption clearly states "Chris Soules & RANDOM girl..."
A few things for her to realize:
1. Don't sit so close to him. 
2. You're from Canada, he lives in Iowa. It will never work. 
3. Your name is Ketchra. Here are some better alternatives I have come up with:
Ketch-yourself talking to Chris again and I'm going to pull your hair and pinch the back of your arms.
That last one might be too long to put on a name change request form, but it's worth a shot. 

Andi came out and talked to the men.
It was a general snooze fest as per usual. 
Chris Harrison spiced things up when he read some of the results from the lie detector test. 
Coach, Chris, and JJ were all 100% truthful, while Josh, Dylan, and Marcus lied. 
We learned that Marcus has slept with more than 20 women. 
Which...I can't....I don't even....

Dylan liked blondes better and wasn't ready to get married. 
Josh had two lies, but since he wasn't there to defend himself she decided not to read it. 

Did anyone see the easter egg at the end of the show, where Chris delivered a note to Andi from one of her top two? 
It was on loose leaf notebook paper so clearly they didn't pull out the big stationary for the occasion. 
Or it's all a trap, and it's a ransom note from Marcus. 
I'm attached enough to the final two to really care who she picks but I'm interested to see if that actually means anything next week. 

They also showed us an extended preview of "Bachelor in Paradise," 
and I am so in. 
I never watched "Bachelor Pad," because money was involved and I felt like that was cheap. 
I'm in to for the right reasons folks. 
So I'll be doing recaps of that too if you interested. 

What were your thoughts?
What do you think was in that letter? 

Jul 21, 2014

Allie Allie Bo-Ballie...

On Friday, I claimed that I found myself a bully. 
Someone to call me names and motivate me to go out there an be somebody. 

Her name is Allie and she is from Pittsburgh, PA, and dammit she is funny. 
And mean and terrible, and I'm going to take her down, and so forth and so on, etc. 

To be honest, it's nice when you find someone who is going thru it with you. 
Not that you wish feeling gross about yourself on anyone, but when you find a sister or brother of the traveling yoga pants not used for yoga, it's kind of a relief. 

That's why I'm so glad to be doing this challenge with her. 

I don't know the rules really. 
We're coming up with a stake still...
I wrote that and thought....hmmm maybe we buy the other one a steak, 

While we're figuring out the details, meet Allie, and try not to love her too much. 
Because seriously: so funny. 
But remember:
She's my competition.

So here's me in a nutshell:
Yes, in case you were wondering, I definitely have my Master's in Microsoft Paint.

OK let's be serious. Here's me in a nutshell:

I've been overweight my entire life. As a kid, I shopped in the husky girls section at Sears and then it just never got easier. 

Circa 1993? 

Finding clothes has always been a chore and, more often than not, I buy something just because it fits. That's no way to live. I want to try something on and buy it because I LIKE IT (crazy, no?) not because it fits and I'm settling for it, ya know? 

I've gone through multiple yo-yo dieting phases and have had some successful weight loss over the years. I was at my heaviest in 2006 when I graduated college - hovered around 270. When I saw myself in my graduation pics I was appalled and thought, "No f**king way I'm that fat?!?!?" So I started going to Curves and the weight melted off. Over the next 6 years I fluctuated between weights and diets and sizes. I was at my skinniest in 2008-2009 at around 199. I have always had an unhealthy relationship with food and that's why I continue to struggle. I HATE when people take my full length picture and I'm sick of saying, "OK let's get one from just the neck up!" It's not because there's anything special about my damn face, it's because I hate my body and hate that feeling I get when I see it next to my (skiiiiiiinny) friends in photos. I've mastered the art of hiding the double chin and standing in more flattering positions. For the most part though, I'm sick of standing in the back and trying to hide/blend in. Then again, a good photobomb never hurt...but that's a different story.

This is about 4 weeks ago:

Sure, it might not look too bad, but only because I cropped the other people out of it. I was trying to hide behind my BFF (who is 5'1" and probably 100lbs.) and my other friend's baby (ain't no shame in my game) in order to cover some of my girth. And that pose? Not because I had to pee, but because I was trying to hide the size of my legs. Trust me, if that was just a full length shot of me standing normally without the sweater or the human shields, the lunch lady arms would be a-flailing and the back fat would make you wonder if I put my boobs on backwards or something. Also, allow me to point out, it was about 90 degrees that day and I WAS WEARING A LONG-SLEEVED SWEATER. Hello. Hefty people sweat, y'all, and yet I felt the need to wear a sweater over a really cute dress?! I'm so done with my body embarrassment.

Aaaaand finally, this is circa March 2014 at Mardi Gras.

Just doing the Wobble and other dancing in the street...in a Steelers poncho...with a bunch of random people. Look, I'm no stranger to a) day drinking, b) a good time, c) acting like an idiot. I just wish there never had to be photographic evidence of it. My sister took this pic while I was dancing and I was like...oh hell naw:

I know what I have to be doing to lose weight and feel good about myself, but the act of doing it is so hard. Currently, I'm at 237 and never wanted to be this big again. I'm mad at myself but motivated to change, hence challenging Jonesy to an east vs. west aka Biggie vs. Tupac weight loss battle. We are two peas in a Pennsylvania pod and hopefully, by sharing our story with random internet strangers, we can GET SHIT DONE.

I've been rocking a FitBit Flex for a few months now and I LOVE IT. It's nice seeing how many steps I take and how many calories I burn (and how many I don't if I'm having a lazy day!) and I highly recommend some sort of tracking device. Shit, if it's good enough for Dave Sedaris, it's good enough for me. Friend me on FitBit at https://www.fitbit.com/user/2G876J to KEEP ME MOTIVATED!!! And if you're so inclined, you can follow me @alliewagon on Twitter and/or Instagram.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - I'm sick of feeling like a prisoner in my own body. I have a job that pays the bills, some AWESOME friends who I adore, and a family who drives me nuts (but who I love a ton). I love to travel and explore. I'm single but can't get past the need-to-lose-weight-before-trying-online-dating phobia. Call Michael Jackson because I gotta make that change. I'm a fun-loving (but also super sensitive) person who always turns to jokes and sarcasm as a defense mechanism. I want to look and feel confident and rock my 30s
Age ain't nothin' but a number but that doesn't mean I want to spend this next decade as chubby as the previous one.

Last but not least, if anyone wants to join the weight loss challenge, send your weekly weight to missalliewagon@gmail.com on Weigh in Wednesdays (WiW) and I'll track it! We're going with percentage loss calculation. Is there a grand prize? Who knows. I'm just in this to feel better and do a little motivational trash talking along the way.

Over and out.

Jul 18, 2014

The girl who cried fat...

I've written a lot on this blog about some of my struggles with weight loss. 
I've always made these huge declarations of going out there and being the Biggest Loser. 
Being the girl in an amazing after photo, where my whole body fits in one of my old pants legs. 
But then a meatball rolls in front of me, like a delicious meat tumbleweed and all thoughts of portion control are out of the window. 

I'm always so self conscious about what I look like, and what people must think of me. 
I would rather wear wool cardigans OVER tank tops so no one can see my arms. 
I'm pretty sure if I start running fast enough my arm flab will allow me to take flight. 
I get nervous going to events, because heaven forbid someone takes a picture: 

I'm probably pointing to a piece of pizza.

Food is a mountain that I can't climb. 

I want to be ok with eating what is better for me, and not what feels better to eat in that moment. 
Because at this point: if 3 soft tacos from Taco Bell and Justin Timberlake were both hanging over lava, and I had to choose to save one or the other or else the world would explode...
I'm gonna seriously consider those 3 soft tacos. 

Exercise is something I don't want to do. 

Yet I see it come (what seems to be) so naturally for people. 
It's ingrained in them, to run, bike, P90X, or go for vertical hike. 
I'm jealous of those people as I sit on my couch like: 

I mean my portion control is so out of control that I made my dog fat:

The vet literally said, "He's a little bigger than I'd like him to be...but he is internet cute." 
I thanked her for the comment but then immediately envisioned a life for Doug that looked like this: 

Not the best look. 

I feel like I'm the girl who cried fat. 
I just keep saying that I'm fed up with my weight and then I never do anything about it. 
I just write it out and think that the weight loss fairy will descend upon me and take my cellulite away to Hollywood to add to Kim Kardashian's ass. 

So how am I going to move past this?
I have no clue. 
Im going to try REALLY HARD. 
I'm the heaviest I've ever been. 
My chin's chin has a chin. 

However, I have made one step in the right direction. 
I went out and got myself a bully. 
Yeah you read that right. 
Allie, a reader of my blog, and number one internet frang/ arch nemesis sent me an email stating that she too wanted to make a change. 
She offered to make it a little interesting, and make this a competition. 

She lives in Pittsburgh and I live in Philly so naturally we came up with the 
East coast/ West coast (of Pennsylvania) Challenge. 

She sends me inspiring emails like this: 

And inspirational photographs like this: 

Tomorrow I'm going to post a little bit more about Allie and what the Challenge looks like, and how you can join us as we rap battle our way to fitness. 

Jul 16, 2014

Everything is stupid.

My heart isn't in this recap. 
Spoiler alert:
Chris is gone and I hate everything. 
I was hoping, praying to Oprah, and wishing, that he still had a chance. 
Why else would you endure Nick dates?
Because there was a Chris light at the end of that creepy dark murder tunnel. 
So forgive me if I seem filled with hate. 
And I know. 
I knowwwww.
Maybe he'll be the next Bachelor.
I will not feel vindicated (too much) until it is announced. 
So let me pout....
about a relationship that has no bearing on my life whatsoever.

The night starts off with Andi talking about her 3 different paths that I'm assuming she was journaling about...

Dear Diary,
A wise woman once said,
"There's a difference between like and love.
I like my Sketchers. But I love my Prada backpack."
That's how I'm feeling right now about Chris...

She explained what she liked about the guys.
She said that she was always having a good time with Josh.
Really? Because you yell at him a lot.
Then she said that he put up with her brattiness and she liked that.
Thattt makes more sense.

She claimed that she had an amazing mental and passionate relationship with Nick.
Barf Sandwiches for everyone.

She said that Chris was amazing and that she loved his family.

The first date was with Nick and our old friend, the helicopter.

Nick shows up and he tells us that he really needs to tell Andi that he loves her. 
Which made me confused. 
Had he not said it already? 
I feel like that's all they talk about. 
He was really overjoyed and briming with excitement because, and I quote, 
"you know it's paradise." 
Who knew there were heart shaped islands?
Andi continued to talk about her passionate relationship with Nick as they made out in the water........

1. He is the most boring person/ most likely to be a murderer besides Marcus. Soo...how?
2. When I'm in the water I have zero concerns about making out with anyone. I just show people my handstands and ask them if they want to see my Ariel hair flip:

During the date, Andi talked about how much she loves spending time with Nick. 
But there's still a lot she doesn't know.
Like how many people he's killed. 
What he was doing the SIX MONTHS he didn't talk to anyone after his breakup. 
Why no one has seen or heard from his ex gf ever since?

There conversation went like this:
Andi: "How did you handle your last breakup?" 
Nick: "Uhhhhhhh uh uhhhh uhh ummmmmm"
It was then that the mental/passionate connection all clicked.  

Later in the evening as they were talking, I fell asleep because I was so bored. 
At one point he said that he had a childlike sense of wonder.
 I couldn't roll my eyes hard enough. 

He continued to fumble and bumble over his words, and Andi said, 
"I love when you can't form a sentence." 
That's normally an aphrodisiac for me as well.

Nick pulls out a story that Bella he wrote, and also where he drew himself incredibly fat.
They did a flashback of their time together which was the stalest of the stale cheese. 
Finally he tells her he loves her and they make out for years in the R. Kelly sponsored Fantasy Suite, where we all know there was a little Bump N' Grind. 
Sorry...my mom reads this. 
That was too much. 

Final thoughts on Nick before the finale:
I don't think I hate him?
If a math problem and golf had a boring baby it would be him. 

The next date was with Josh. 
He said that he got a pit in his stomach whenever he was around her. 
My first thought was that it was the street food he's been eating, but it turns out it's love baby. 

They walked around the city and he was actually not that bad. 
Did we know he could speak Spanish?
Because he can. 
And it was kind of hot. 

I don't know what happened....because I haven't liked him at all but watching this date I had this sudden epiphany:

For Andi. 
Not for me. 
I only have eyes for one contestant. 
But Josh doesn't seem that bad?
He also doesn't seem like he would keep her in the basement for days (Cough cough Nick...triple cough Marcus). 
And he speaks another language super well. 
He has a dog. 
Good all around dude for the self proclaimed part-time brat. 
The were then whisked away to the BoysIIMen

 "I'll Make Love to You," and Crest Whitestrips Fantasy Suite.
Quick Question: Are there two different ones?
That's a lot of room reservations and a lot of coordination. 
How do you remember which room you go to, if you're Andi. 
What if one suite is better than the other? 
Does that influence your pick?

I'm stalling because I don't want to recap the date that sent Chris packin' back to Iowa. 
She picked a date where they rode horses. 
Naturally he helped her on to the horse, which is something that I will never experience, because a man holding and the subsequently lifting me into the air is one of many nightmares I have. 

During the date, Andi tell him he has the best family she's ever met. 
They played ghost in the graveyard again and 
Keep running Chris...into my arms. 
During the evening Andi brought up the date, and how much fun she had. 
She asked Chris how he was feeling, 
and he said, 
"Not to beat a dead horse, especially after today..."
and I laughed and laughed and laughed, because

He told her that they would figure something out and some things were negotiable. 
She started getting yelly which I didn't love. 
Then she started saying that she couldn't blame living in Iowa as the excuse as to why she wasn't feeling it with Chris, because she loved Iowa. 
(Chris: I love Iowa more.)

She told him that she couldn't feel the same way about him, and didn't want him to wait for a rose ceremony because she had too much respect for him. 
She told him she felt like an idiot, and for ONE SECOND, I felt bad for her.
I do think she liked him a lot. But not Prada backpack LOVED him. 

Then the anger came rushing back in and  I was over it. 
He told her that she was amazing and but that it wasn't meant to be.

My only concern regarding him not being the Bachelor comes from what he said to her about his dad. 
He said that him being away for so long was hard on his family and his dad and the farm. 
Maybe he can't justify leaving again for so long?
I will weep. 

Finally Andi talks to Chris Harrison who is super intrigued:
I am farting so much into this wicker chair right now. 

Andi says she had a little bump in the road with Chris, 
at which point I yelled, 
She said that she wanted to have a rose ceremony still, because it was important for them to see how much they both meant to her. 
If you give a rose without a ceremony, is it really a rose?

Both men stood on the platform and part of me thought one of two things could happen: 
A sharknado takes them both out
An octagon descends from a hovering helicopter and whoever is left standing wins. 
Harrison rolled out and said that the perfect Chris was no longer there. 
Both men made it and I wept. 

Next week is the Men Tell All.
I'm interested to see what goes on there. 
Hopefully Trody bench presses an audience member over his head. 
Maybe Chris will say that he saw his future wife in a dream and she looked like me. 
Fingers crossed.

Jul 9, 2014

Showcasing Andi...

If you didn't read that like Oprah, I need you to take a step back and reevaluate your choices for a minute then come back and rejoin us. 

They wasted zero time jumping right into Nick's date. 
Again everyone was wearing scarves which led me to realize that they are this year's helicopter. 

Nick told Andi that he wanted to "like show you my like...home." 
Kind of the point, one would say. 
The date was a snoooooze. 
They went on a brewery tour. 
At one point Andi's hair was all kinds of hanging over an open container full of beer, so whoever drinks from that batch...enjoy your Locks of Lager.

Once they got to Nick's house, Andi was introduced to his family. 
During the introductions, I had to check to make sure I didn't actually change the channel to this.
Jeez were there a ton of them. 
 His mom seemed super dressed up for the occasion. 
A suit jacket seemed pretty intense. 
 During dinner one of them, asked Andi to talk. 
Let her finish her meal first, f. 
She just got done running a 5k through your hallway of family photos.
The least you can do is let her carbo load. 
Andi was also interviewed by Nick's littlest sister, Bella.
I'm assuming she was a Twilight baby because she is YOUNG. 
 She asked Andi what her favorite part about Nick was. 
Instead of saying, "he's nice!" or "he's so funny!" 
She told her that they had a great MENTAL CONNECTION.
When Andi was done explaining that she moved onto how babies were made. 
Ok not really but it was very "after school special" in that room. 

Bella asked Andi if she was in love with her brother. 
Andi said she really liked him. 
When Nick came to get the details it was pretty clear Bella was not trying to be helpful even a little bit. 
She told him that Andi said she loved him. 
And then said, "I mean liked him."
Eight year olds are catty y'all. 
 Nick talked to his mom and they both cried, and then made out.
What is happening here?

Did anyone catch when one of Nick's sisters asked him if Andi made him laugh?
His response: "She makes me smile." 
Girl, he said you wasn't funny. 

Nick still thinks he's the favorite, and she is whisked away to her next date with:
I mean. What?
 So here's the thing, Chris's farm, and house, and everything about him is perfect. 
I have no problem saying that I am 100% in love with this man. 
I'm talking Sean Lowe proportions.
I never thought I could love again. 

Let's just look at the interviews alone...
Marry me. 

Andi and Chris drove around on the tractor for awhile. She asked to sit on his lap, and I got "Flavor of Love" girl jealous about it.
I was praying that they would capitalize on a surprise concert opportunity by bringing Jason Aldean in to sing, "Big Green Tractor," but alas they did not. 
However, I wasn't mad because literally everything else about this date was perfect. 
Is Jason gonna come up thru the ground? Where is he?

I don't know what it is but whenever Andi is on dates with Chris, I find myself really liking her. 
She seems super laid back, and dare I say it, fun. 

Listen, I'm likin them as a couple and I don't like myself for it. 
However, if they don't work out I'm fine. 
(Chris4Bachelor t-shirts are waiting in the wings just in case.)

Andi asked Chris what she could do for work, and he told her that she could do whatever she wanted. 
He stressed that he knew this would be a date where they had important conversations about their future and that he wanted to her to be happy where she lived. 

She told him she wasn't just a city girl, her family had a lake house in the middle of nowhere. 
So give her a pitchfork and show her the hay y'all because she's half farmer. 

As they were sitting there a plane started flying overhead. 
That's right:
Chris chartered a plane to say "Chris Loves Andi."
And I wept. 

I believe it was at that point I yelled to my TV that I would quit my job to work on his farm. 
As I was having a meltdown and they walked into his house, the plane still flew around. 
How long do you think it went around in circles?
Do you rent one of those hourly? 
Logistically it seemed like an odd investment but I was into it. 

To be clear: I would have vommed if Josh, Marcus, or Nick pulled that kind of stunt. 
how long did that plane fly around?

We met Chris's family and his mom was by far the best. 
She told Andi that women could do anything on a farm, and that she could make a life there if that's what she wanted. 
She also accused Chris of farting, which made me love her even more. 
Who doesn't love a fart joke?
A lot o people, but I'm not one of them. 

They then played "Ghost in the Graveyard."
Andi and Chris made out until his family showed up and ruined it. 
Overall it was my favorite most interesting hometown of the whole episode.
If you couldn't already tell.

The next date was with Josh. 
He took her to "his" baseball field where he hadn't played in 7 years. 
He told Andi that he stopped playing because he wanted to take care of Aaron. 
When I heard that the first time I thought he said, "Erin," and thought we were about to learn about a secret child. 
He just meant his real hot brother who was, at the time trying to get drafted into the NFL. 
After that whole conversation I can't be sure as to what Josh currently does for a job. 
From the sound of it, it seems like he is a babysitter for a large man. 

Once they got to his family's house it was clear that they were a family unit. Because family was important to them because family should be number one to you and your family. 
I mean, if I drank every time they said "family" I would be a ghost typing this right now. 
At one point it was like, ok, we get it, y'all are close. 

We met Sable, Josh's dog, who could essentially eat Andi. 
And then talked to Josh's way hot brother about his hopes for his brother's relationship.
They ended up playing football in the backyard and I was more than convinced that they were going to play full tackle. 
It's clear Josh likes Andi but he's also kind of a caveman. 
He just talks about her being his girl, and not hanging around with other guys. 
Maybe Sable is the guard dog that will stand outside Andi's room should she try not to go dinner with the Beast...I mean Josh. 

The last date was with Marcus.
I wasn't completely convinced he wasn't going to use the hometown time to abscond with Andi into the plains of Texas never to be seen again. 
Andi said that she was hoping to use the date to catch up to Marcus's feelings. 
That gave a little hope that we were at the end of the road of our journey with him. 
He kept telling her that he was going to show her "a day in the life," and then took her
straight to a sketchy strip club. 
He kept saying things like:
"Drink up....this will be better when your drunk."
"Don't wander off."
She kept saying she was nervous and to be honest so was I. 
Then he stripped for her....again. 

Andi said it was every girl's dream. 
I can tell you one girl who has never dreamed of that happening to her:
Marcus then told us he was excited to showcase Andi. 
Like a prize winning poodle?
We met his family, who all seemed very nice. 
Even his gypsy mother. 

But there was no spark there. 
She left and I was hoping that she would send him on his way. 

Before the rose ceremony they showed the footage of them telling the remaining folks that Eric Hill had passed away. 
It was a really emotional scene, and I kind of wish they would have just kept it to themselves. 
It seemed very private, but overall I think it was tasteful...as tasteful as it could be. 
The rose ceremony was super sad, but in the end Marcus went home. 

I don't know what's going to happen next week, but usually the last 2 episodes pack the most dramz. 
Maybe Nick reveals his hair doll Andi family. 
Or Josh pulls Andi to the top of the Empire State Building to show off his woman. 
And Chris just remains perfect. 

What were your thoughts?
Lemme hear them!