Aug 4, 2015

It's like I got engaged...

Well the curse of the Bachelorette/Bachelor strikes again.
I'm straight obsessed with the turn out of last week's show.

It's a vicious cycle.
But to say that I don't watch their Snapchat stories more than once a day would be a gross lie.
They just look so happyyyyyyy. 

I liked this finale a lot, not only because of the outcome but also because five of my favorite girls came over to watch for my first ever "viewing party."
We laughed, we cried, we ate bean dip.
When we first meet Kaitlyn's family, I kind of felt like we were watching an episode of Degrassi.
They were speaking in hushed Canadian accents about Kaitlyn and Nick's fatal attraction and it made it all so exciting and dramatic.

Kaitlyn let her family know that Nick was one of the final guys, and Kaitlyn's mom was not happy.
She told us how she was doubtful that she would like him at all.
10+ for Mom.

Nick arrived looking stupid as per usual.
His hair was too long, his beard was lame, and he didn't stop mumbling.

It was borderline mullet. 
We all know I know a mullet when I see one, as a former card holder. 

Nick walks through the door and immediately K's mom wants to chat. 
The convo goes like this: 
K's Mom: You suck. Discuss.
Nick: <>
K's Mom: You are forgiven. 

Nick then sloppily asks both parents for permission to propose to Kaitlyn, while referencing his experience with Andi more than 50% of the time. 

As they went from the commercial to the live audience we see Nick's family.
They looked like they had been caught going into Chris Harrison's forbidden West Wing where they found the golden rose that keeps him so youthful.

Next up was Shawn's date.
Kaitlyn's sister said she was willing to give Shawn a chance and then I LOL'd all the way to my kitchen for more cheese because I knew she would be a changed woman after his visit.
Shawn arrived with so many gifts and was very sweet.
He gave a great toast and told a cute story about how he snapchatted a picture of Kaitlyn to his friends saying he was coming for her.
Ok--out of context that sentence sounds a little creepy but I was romantic.
Actually probably the most romantic story ever told in regards to Snapchat.

Kaitlyn's mom pulls Shawn aside, and immediately brings up Nick.
Which is great.
For everyone involved.
However,  he said that he and Kaitlyn fought for what they have now and he was so happy to be with her.
He then said that he had something important to ask both of her parents together, and then asked for permission to propose.
The whole thing was so cute, and I think it was at that point I yelled at my friends:

Now I realize that Nick asked for both parents permission but Shawn's soothing voice and magical beard really sold the whole thing.

The beard game is strong. Perfect blend with the side burns. A+ work.
Kaitlyn's sister felt the same way, and was on Team Shawn.

Nick last date was first and while I was hoping a Sharknado would blow past and scoop up only him, we were forced to watch the entire thing.

They went on a boat.
They came home.
Nick said he had a gift for her in his bedroom.
She asked if he was serious and he repeated (like most Lifetime Serial Murders do)
"Come to my bedroom, I have a gift for you in there."

It was a picture and a lame poem he wrote and then as an added treat read out loud.
I believe he said her kiss was electric.
It was at that point I wished I had taken it easy on the bean dip.

The first half of Shawn's last date was awkward.
Kaitlyn kept saying things like,
"I don't want to make you nervous," and "I'm excited."
Things she didn't say to Nick.
It got me thinking....
Does she not want him to be nervous because he's it?
Probably right?
It turns out when you yell at your TV when you're alone you're crazy by yourself.
When you yell that at your tv when you're with your're friends start to look for the nearest exit.

The second part of the date was much better.
She asked him if he was going to watch the season back, and he said he couldn't wait to call her and be like "I can't believe you're making out with Joe."
He also said he couldn't wait to tell people,
"This is my girl." 

He also had a gift for her and it was a memory jar full of everything that they had done together.
She loved it and so did I.
Barb Jones even weighed in from 3 hours away saying:
My mom calls me Kitty because I really liked cats when I was little. 

Neil Lane (or as Barb called him, "The Kay Jeweler guy") was there the next day to help the guys pick out their rings.
Nick made it pretty dramatic by telling his heartbreaking story of getting dumped.
Neil Lane was like,
"Yes I don't care I sleep on a diamond bed."

Shawn was like
"Eni meany miney mo, this rock is shiniest yo."

Finally it was time for the proposal.
Nick was seriously acting like he was Cinderella.
This was his chance.
He said and I quote, "I'm an acquired taste and Kaitlyn has acquired a taste for me."
Now in Nick's defense, he did say literally everything and start pulling out a ring before she stopped him, and that was probably embarrassing AF.
 And sure, she could have told him earlier but I think that she was doing what she thought was right and I can't fault her for that.
He didn't get too aggressive during the break up but throwing everything in the limo was clutch.

 What wasn't clutch was the fact that they immediately show Nick's family.
How much more do they need to call out Kaitlyn?
She's had enough of a rough season you really need to show her the traumatized family again?

"Here's his family you feel like shit?
You should.
Look at Bella
She's so upset.
She's nine Katilyn.
Shawn was there and while we were all feeling confident that she was going to pick him....
we were guarding our hearts...
But it worked out!
She said yes!
My friends and I were like "OMG AWE"
He said yes!
and then they made out real good in front of Nick's parents.
They were very sweet during their recap but what sucked the most was how much they focused on Nick and how sad everything was for him. 
He wasn't dumped in the best way but anyway you slice it, it was going to suck.

Overall it was great.
Now I must go and continue obsessively checking their snapchat feeds. 
Don't wanna miss anything....including my invite to their wedding. 

Jul 15, 2015

I see London, I see France, We Shawn's Long John Underpants

Well. I'm back. 
Here's the thing...I moved to a different state and you'd think just me and a dog wouldn't be that big of a deal to transport but was. 
I'll give a little life lately update soon but in the meantime just know: 
Movin' ain't no joke...

But don't worry, I've kept up on the "Bachelorette" drama and I'm here to give you what will probably be a rusty recap as I'm two weeks out of the game. 
Be gentle. 

We're still in Ireland this week because budget cuts happened and we gotta keep the traveling to a minimum. 

They're also still calling the overnight dates the "Fantasy Suite" but when we've seen them talking in hotel rooms all season...there's really not a lot left to the imagination. 

Not to mention they are in old timey castles with needlepoint pillows and dark lighting, not tropical hot tubs where you pet a jaguar and drink champagne while sitting on a live elephant's trunk. 

Even though last week's episode ended with the Nick//Shawn fight, we are treated to it again. 
Nick brought up the weird "eskimo brothers" thing--which was weird--but what country star are they referring to? 
Asking for a friend. 
Nothing ends up getting accomplished and Shawn storms out. 

It was time for Ben H.'s overnight date and he showed up looking real presh.

They rode horses. 
Fed donkeys. 
Made out a bunch.

He told her that he turned 26 when he was on the show. 
Kaitlyn mentioned she was going to be 30 soon, and asked him if he thought of her as an older woman. 
Four years is a disgusting age gap. 
I mean who let this guy on? 
Who does she think she is Hugh Hefner? 
Oh...this just doesn't matter. 

He also told her that it was super hard knowing that there were other guys but that he didn't want to talk about them because he was confident in who they were as a couple. 
Are you weeping? 
Yeah me either.

He was so sweet and genuine that it was painful to know he was probably going to get sent home.
I found myself saying, "I could watch a season of him."

Also...his little backpack the next morning?!?!?

Pretty much equivalent to: 

Shawn's date was up next. 
Kaitlyn gave Shawn his new outfit, and to be honest it didn't suck. 
I mean....

What did suck was Shawn's analogy about golf and love. 
Apparently you can play golf until you're old and gray, and you can love someone until you're old and gray so....same thing. 

Dibs on submitting that to Hallmark.
They made a bet that if either of them won Kaitlyn got whatever she wanted. 
Shawn was cruising along until he couldn't get the ball out of the water. 
Kaitlyn said it best: 

Meanwhile, Nick was in the water like: 

He ended up being a big ole loser, and so during a game of "Truth or Dare"Katilyn told him he had to streak. 
She promised him his very own black box.

 Y'all there were so many muscles....
But he took it all in stride and they seemed to be having so much fun together. 

That night at dinner, Kaitlyn brought up to Shawn concerns she had from a conversation with Nick.
She mentioned the eskimo brothers thing--again--and told him she didn't need an explanation. 
I on the other hand needed names.
Off camera seemed to go well?????
We were never given a recap, but no one was crying so we'll call it a win. 

As Shawn walked back to his room Nick was conveniently waiting for him "casually" on the side of the building:

Shawn and Nick fought again, and there was a lot of nothing being resolved. 

The rose ceremony was uncomfortable. 
Ben H. got sent "home" or as I like to call it, straight to the Bachelor lair where they've begun grooming him for next season.

Kaitlyn toasts Nick and Shawn and then peaces the f outta there. 
All of us however were left to encounter the two guys standing alone, chugging their champagne. 
It was pretty anticlimactic from there. 

Finally it was time for Kaitlyn to meet the families. 
Nick and the rest of the von Trapp family were first. 
They all sat around in a large semi-circle a la "Intervention" and cried.

How they talked about Nick being back on the show made him sound like the real life hero, Bruce Willis's character in "Armageddon" was based on...

 But seeing as that movie was not true, and he did not save the world by blowing up an asteroid heading towards earth and is really only sleeping with women on TV, it was agreed upon across the nation that they needed to chill. 

I remembered him having a big family before but holy crap the introductions did not end. 
 Bella was there ready to ask the hard hitting questions, while the rest of him family acted like Andi held Nick for ransom. 

Nick had a conversation with his mom, and told her that Kaitlyn was good at making out. 
I don't know if that was to make her jealous or what, 
but that seemed a little iffy on the "Share-With-Mom-O-Meter."

I also think he was bummed that she didn't ask him about his sweet new ring.
"Thanks for noticing MOM."
Here's what is confusing. 
As a human, I do not like Nick. 
As a couple, I like Kaitlyn and Nick together. 

Shawn's family was next and far less traumatized. 
His sisters were very sweet and seemed to really enjoy Kaitlyn. 

His dad on the other hand was really trying to make a name for himself by figuring out, 
"What the hell was going on?"
It's not about you Steve. 

Shawn told him he was in love with Kaitlyn. 
Steve then cracked and said he should really tell her how he felt. 

So back in the room, Shawn tells her that he loves her. 

Kaitlyn leaves, walks back to her room and cries because she's in love with two dudes. 

I gotta say over this season, I've really grown to like Kaitlyn a lot. 
Her relationships with both guys seem pretty cool. 
Shawn has some rage. 
Nick is the pits. 
But overall when they're with her she makes them super fun. 

I don't know how it's gonna go down but I have a feeling it's Shawn B. 
What do you think? 
Leave your thoughts in the comments! 

Jun 29, 2015

Dublin? More like Dubmen....That's a stretch

If this season isn't a recipe for intense arm pit sweat I don't know what is...
We open this week with Ian berating Kaitlyn. 
He said that the guys on the show are on vacation 
(Besides Clare Danes in "Brokedown Palace," these guys may be having the least relaxing vacay)
 and that they only talk about sex and make poop & fart jokes...  
If you ask me farts are always funny, so either I'm perfect for every dude in that room or Ian needs to get a life. 

Probably both. 

Ian tells her that he was hoping that she would still be heart broken so that he could swoop in and take advantage. 
Kaitlyn needed to appreciate how deep Ian was, because Princeton didn't teach cheesy movie quotes.
Basically, he was kind of a big deal, his apartment smelled of rich mahogany, and he had many leather bound books. 
He said because Kaitlyn was such a bad Bachelorette he knew what it takes to be a great Bachelor. 
He also stated that he needed some sex.
Cue up Katy Perry y'all because Ian was the one that got away...

Nick seeing his opportunity swooped in to make sure Kaitlyn was ok. 
He tells her he wants to know her inside and out ....and if you've watched last week you already know what I know about what they did so.....

Shawn is also concerned so he goes to check on her AND SEES HER MAKING OUT WITH NICK.

He looked so hurt---and he continued to seem bummed the rest of the episode. 
I know, I know...he signed up for this all inclusive vacation knowing the risk of being dumped but dang:

By the way, all of this happens
BEFORE the damn rose ceremony. 
So much is going on that Cupcake declares he'd pull out one of his teeth for a rose. 
To be fair, he's a dentist, has the proper tools, and it would probably be a back molar so what's the real sacrifice? 

After the rose ceremony, Joshua left to weld himself another rose to play the least satisfying game of, "She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not." 

They find out their going to Dublin, and Cupcake says that Kaitlyn is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 
I was half expecting him to say, "She's after me hearts, and I'll give her me stars" but then realized he would probably refrain from Lucky Charms jokes as it's a sugary cereal and bad for one's teeth.

The first 1:1 date went to Nick. 

He makes a joke about getting lucky in Dublin---again....foreshadowing.

It started to feel like we had seen this episode before ---oh because we have:



I don't know what it is about Nick that makes women love him so much. 
I've gotten some comments that he could be a shapeshifter and appears more attractive to the person he's preying on which is a valid point. 

In reality, if he was a breakfast he would be dry toast with tap water.
He's the pits and yet Katilyn treats him like he's Johnny from "Dirty Dancing."
(Yes--in 2015 Johnny from "Dirty Dancing" remains the pinnacle of all males in my eyes.)

The date consisted of them walking around, "river dancing," and buying Claddagh rings, and Chris Harrison having to yell "hand check" every 15-20 minutes because they couldn't stop touching each other.

That night, they have dinner in a church. 
Ok--they make out in a church. 
Even the statues were like "Ooo girl...get a hold of yourself."

They go back to her suite, go into her room, and have sex. 
They left their mics on so we were treated to Nick's romantic words of,
"I'm feeling for you."

Pack it up guys, because with lines like that how can you even compete with him? 
Cupcake, your sweet ride got towed from the driveway so you're on your own.

The fact that they were still mic'd up leads me to believe there was a lot of wrestling with cords. 
And the fact that a camera guy had to stand there filming a closed door for however long is creepy, disturbing, and a little bit funny all at the same time.

The next morning Kaitlyn went from being unapologetic for what happened, to remembering that Nick outted Andi on national television, and would have no problem telling the guys what happened. 

In the guys suite, Nick smugly tells them that he went back to Kaitlyn's room and talked for hours. 
The dudes quickly shut him down by saying that the same thing happened to Shawn...
Nick tells them things got intimate, but no one pries because they hate him and don't trust him. 

The group date card comes, and two names are left off the list. 
That means that JJ and Joe are on the dreaded 2:1. 
Remember when JJ was the villain? 

Those were the days. 

The group date sends the guys to an Irish wake where they celebrate the life of their dead girlfriend Kaitlyn. 

Ben H. summed it up nicely by saying, 
"Great. My girlfriend is dead. Now I'm single again.
Shawn says she couldn't take life anymore after spending a full day with Nick. 
Head Shoulders Chin and Eyebrows (too long?) said she was so talented with a terrible laugh. 
Ben Z then made it real by reminding us all about his mom's passing. 

I don't know if the producers are just constantly setting her up, but there is not one group date this girl can go through without getting reminded of someone's painful past. 

Luckily Mumford & Dads came to lighten the mood and everyone had a grand time. 

Until Chin got the group date rose and Shawn starts to have another break down. 
He talks to a producer that he trusts (uh-oh) and says that he feels like he can't do it anymore
 (no plz. never leave me Kaitlyn)

He tells the guys he loves her and somehow makes it back to her room. 
Kaitlyn is so happy to see him, but looks like she's going to crack and tell him what happened with Nick. 

Next week looks like a series of storming out rooms so have your inhalers armed and ready if that kind of thing makes you nervous. 
(Just me?)

At the very end, Brady wakes up from his 10th nap of the day to meet Britt's mom. 
She only refers to him as her friend and Britt seems concerned. 
Do we know if her and Brady are in a beanie contest? 
Because now it's just seeming a little forced...

The saga continues. 

What do you think? 
Are you still Team Shawn? 
Who do you think makes the most dramatic exit next week? 
Tell me in the comments! 

Jun 20, 2015

San Antonio? More like Man Antonio...

Yo... this season is stressful
The guys suck so bad (not you Shawn you're perfect and don't let anyone tell you different.)
Kaitlyn is only shown making out with dudes or looking like the host of a "What Would You Do?" reboot with the types of group dates they're going on.

I find myself wanting to fast word through conversations with some of these guys because they are truly --and I mean this from the bottom of my heart-- 

This week started off with the guys grilling Nick before the cocktail party// rose ceremony in the arctic tundra of Yankees stadium. 

Joshua began to crack and asked if Nick only thought Kaitlyn was a cool chick and not an amazing woman. 
It went on for awhile and we begin to realize that Joshua was less endearing and little more "stands outside your window with a boombox after one date."

During the cocktail party JJ uses her as a bat and then runs her around the bases, which would fulfill zero dreams on anyone's bucket list. 
The only time I want a man to run while carrying me is away from a fire...and even then don't worry about it bro. 

Guys complained about Nick but she showed them who's boss by making them stand on an iceberg known as the first baseline while she handed out roses. 
She then told the guys that they were going to the top romantic honeymoon location in the world:
San Antonio.

The 1st 1:1 Date: 

The first 1:1 date was with Ben H. 
They went to a two-step competition, where a woman who met her husband on the dance floor taught them the dance. 
Then the producers found the people who's ancestors lived in the town from "Footloose" to give us 1000 dance/love metaphors. 

We also met this sweet ghost, who could really get down.

They got tapped out of the competition which was a bummer...
but don't worry the producer's enjoyed the suspense of not knowing when you were going to get bounced so much that next summer they're bringing us: 
4 Bachelorettes
 84 guys 
1 choreographer
1 beach 
1 high school cheerleading championship and 88 hearts on the line. 

Overall the date was cute. 
Ben H. seems pretty adorable but once you see Shawn B in action it's like no one else matters. 

What's that?
My crazy is showing?
Got it.

The Group Date: 

So this group date was probably borderline if not over the line offensive. 
This kid killed it with his traditional mariachi song. 
So much so that he is now also in the running for Kaitlyn's heart. 

The guys then had to write their own traditional mariachi songs (when will this reign of terror end?) and sing them in public to Kaitlyn. 

Naturally they needed to fit the part completely by wearing this: 

It was painful, but dates like these do prepare them for real life. 

During the whole date Joshua kept talking about how he didn't trust the new guy. 
He kind of turned into an old timey sherriff saying things like, 

"I don't know but m'guy intuition is tellin' me somethin'..." 

Later in the date, Joshua took some time to show Kaitlyn how much she trusted her, by asking her to cut his hair while he was blindfolded. 

In a rusty bucket of the old timey saloon, there were clippers, scissors, and an eye mask. 
Did he have to ask the producers for those things? 
Because if so --hilarious.
He told her he trusted her completely which is a bold move. 
I took advice from my mom once to "get a shag haircut" because it would look "adorable." 

Agree to disagree Barb. 

If only his ability to trust was as in tuned with his ability to hate Nick...
Kaitlyn gave him a pretty stellar bald spot. 

During the evening Nick continues to essentially just breath which sends Joshua into another fury. 
He pulls Kaitlyn aside--AGAIN--and tells her that everyone hates Nick and can't stand that he's there. 
Kaitlyn flips the script and asks if that means that "everyone is lying to her."
Joshua starts cave because he realizes that he's poked a sleeping dragon. 
When he returns to the group he tells them that he was doing an interview. 
Kaitlyn comes to the group and confronts Joshua and the rest of the guys. 
Everyone realizes Joshua lied about the interview, and no one fesses up to how much they hate Nick. 
Joshua looks dumb and Nick gets the group date rose. 

Clearly Josh is in way over his head. 
And while he was sweet before, he's got tunnel vision. 
He wants to take out other dudes--but we all know that's not what gets you thru.
Poor guy. 

Second 1:1 Date: 

So I don't want to exaggerate, but uh....
Shawn B is the only person on this show that needs attention and I'm annoyed that we can't just skip to the final rose because he is the best. 



He is the Captain now.

Their date was perfect. 
I can't be snarky. 
He told a story about how he almost died and then said, 
"I could have missed out on all of this."

He told her he was falling in love with her, 
and she said she was falling in love with him.
And then I said, "Hey guys I'm falling in love with you as a couple so if you break my heart I'll need you to handle the aftermath, and accept all my phone calls about what went wrong."

She said he could be the one she handed her final rose to, and so help me God, she better be telling the truth. 

Back at the House// Cocktail Party: 

Like most episodes this season, it looked like we weren't going to get a full rose ceremony. 
We were however, going to be treated, to Ian's "Bachelor" audition tape.

Ian said to Nick and to the producers, that he was a former model that defied death. 
My theory is that he's a former model due to his weird crop circle baldness. 
He said that he didn't find anything wrong with himself...but with her.

Ian claimed that he would make a great Bachelor, as he is a gift that you unwrap for life. 

I would rather have another season of Juan Pablo then ever watch an episode of Ian as the lead. 
I'm a little scared that if I say that 2 more times, a Beetlejuice situation will occur, and Juan Pablo will appear...but I'm willing to risk it to prove how much Ian suckkkkks. 

Clearly there was some editing done to his comments but he really started to lay it on by saying that Kaitlyn wasn't half as hot as his ex-girlfriend. 
There's probably a lot of reasons why that girl is his ex. 

At the beginning of the cocktail party, Kaitlyn canoed through Josh's tears, and found her way to Jared,formerly known as Eyebrows, now known as Chin thanks to a reader.
They make out and then Ian descends and tells her just how badly he doesn't like her.

He tells her that she's surface level, and only wanted to make out with guys. 

He goes for blood and she looks PISSED.

We were left with a "to be continued..." and y'all next week looks tense as hell. 
Shawn B gets mad, people get slept with, I cry. 
It all goes down and I need someone to hold me. 

What are you thinking? 
Don't care? 
Tell me in the comments!