Jun 7, 2016

Week Two: It's Lit on the Bachelorette...

This season of the Bachelorette is what the kids call, "lit."
I can't remember a time where there was so much hostility in the second episode of the "Bachelorette." 
Just like Britney was against the music, the house is against Chad. 
It's amazing. 

Let's jump right in. 

The first date card of the week came, and ED Evan grabbed it. 
As he announced all the names, he read his and fist pumped like he was going to be freeze framed for a "Debt Free in 2016" ad. 

He bothers me. 

The group date started with a limo pulling up and then blowing up. 
Seeing as the dudes were under the impression Jojo was in said limo, it was a little concerning that only one person asked if she was in there. 

Soon after a fire truck came roaring into the driveway, where Jojo jumped out pulled out a hose and put the fire out without breaking a sweat. 

Her hair looked amazing. 
I look like I've been standing in front of a fire after carrying 2 grocery bags full of chips and a gallon of milk into the house. 

 Jojo let the guys know that they were spicing things up....with murder. 
Just kidding, it was fire fighting test. 
They had to do several drills, and more DJ Wells almost passed out with one swing of the axe. 
He may not be able to save her, but he would play every hit that had the word "fire" in it, while giving weather and traffic on the eights, while the true professionals did the job. 

After the drills, the guys had to take everything they learned and use it to save Jojo, who was locked at the top of a building. 

Luke, our feelings cowboy war veteran, almost made it to win extra time with Jojo but the actual firefighter, Grant won. 

Luke took it pretty hard. 
But this sensitive flower flourished during his 1:1 time with Jojo. 
Sure he didn't get a rose, but still, he seemed to really connect with her. 

Other fun facts we learned during the after party: 
 *Grant the fire fighter will always tell Jojo he loves her before he leaves to go to work because he may never make it back. 
Baby he's the new romantic

 *ED Evan has 3 children. 

*Wells has a dog named Carl. 

The rose ended up going to Wells. 
Side note: If his Twitter handle isn't @ohwells then I don't know how the world works. 

Back at the house, we learned that Chad has baggage...
Weighted down on his person. 
As he hoisted himself up using the housing, proving to the group that he would have no problem robbing their homes via the attic, James Taylor helped all the boys write a song for Jojo. 
It wasn't annoying. 
It was actually pretty sweet. 
I'm either immune to singing, or James Taylor is the light of my life. 

I think it's safe to say he's the light of my life. 

The 1:1 date was with Derek. 
Their date was all about "choices."
They chose to go North & ended up in San Francisco.
Two men met them at the airport with destination signs.
They could choose the Golden Gate or ALCATRAZ. 
Jk...it was a Lombard Street. 
They chose the Golden Gate and had a pretty boring date. 
Alcatraz would have really kicked things up a notch, but I'm a sucker for a guided walkman tour. 

The remaining group date, was held at ESPN studios, aka where Jordan's crushed dreams were broadcast. 
Naturally he was on this date. 

The guys went through a serious of tests with Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley to determine their power rankings. 

One of the drills involved the guys telling Jojo all the reasons why they loved her, and proposing to her. 
Everyone did a pretty great job. 
Jordan promised an Aaron Rodgers Christmas. 
James Taylor spoke, which is all I need in this life. 
Chad just grabbed her butt and asked her to marry him. 
When Jojo asked why he loved her, he told her she was being, "naggy."
While most would have told him to pack his baggy, Jojo laughed it off. 
Chad said he wasn't going to lie to her about what he loved like the other guys, because he was taking this seriously. 
It's just a hunch, but I feel like if you told Chad you "got his nose" he'd punch you until you gave it back. 

Chad doesn't joke about love...
or really anything at all. 

The power rankings put Alex the Marine 3rd, Chad 2nd (for his honesty), and m'boy James #1. 

Chad wasn't pleased with his ranking at all, and broke down all the guys on the date like Janice Ian did for Regina George's Army of Skanks.

At the cocktail party, James got the group date rose, after telling Jojo he felt so lucky to know her and be considered by her, even if he wasn't "Abs McGee." 

He's perfect. 
Literally perfect. 
You know who he should marry?
Becca and James Taylor for President. 

The cocktail party/rose ceremony was up next. 
While all the guys sat inside, Chad sat on the stoop waiting for Jojo. 
A new move:
Butting in before the party even starts. 

As the guys reacted to Chad's wild gesture of waiting outside, Chad ventured into the kitchen to eat the amount of meat Jimmy John's goes through during lunch rush. 

The more meat he ate, the more aggressive he got. 
Meat sweats are no joke, y'all. 
Many of the guys, still appalled by his behavior, circled around him (like Care Bears, according to Chad) while he ate kabobs, to tell him they hated him. 
Kabobs: the confrontation food of choice. 
He spent the remainder of the night telling Alex the Marine, he was short and also that he would break his teeth. 
He also said that Jojo wouldn't let Alex leave yet because she didn't want America to think she hated short people. 
With a statement like that you think, "Huh. Maybe he does have a sense of humor," but then you see his dead eyes and you remember: "He's probably killed before."

While there were some cute moments from Chase, a pretty cute dude, and Luke, it was overshadowed by Pizza Hut's reason for the Meat Lovers pizza, Chad. 
(That joke was terrible.)

While there were no big shocks in who she sent home, there was a shock in someone she kept around: ED EVAN. 
She likes him for some reason and it is a mystery I can't solve. 

From the looks of the two night preview,  Chad is going to keep preparing for the date where they all fight him in an octagon. 
I'm very excited. 

What do you think?
Perfect editing of Chad? Or he's actually a creep? 
Share in the comments below! 

all images via abc.com

Jun 6, 2016

Monday's are cool again...

Boy does it feel excellent to be writing again. 
The past couple of weeks have been a little bit bananas if you're in the Jones family so my Bachelorette recaps are two weeks behind. 
But I'm back and I promise that I will be blogging the whole season this time, and not just dropping off the face of the planet. 
To be honest, I'm SO excited for this season. 
Jojo really brought it in the finale with Ben and I was so convinced that she was going to be picked, and had even started to envision my life with Ben and Jojo in it as a couple. 
I mourned Lauren's loss, and started planning the Bojo wedding, you know, gathering all of the wine bottles for Jojo's mom, creating a seating chart that put me with Ben's mom and dad.
Then all of a sudden Ben ripped her heart out, stomped on it, and rode off into the sunset with Lauren, who I now hated. 

Mix that in with a dash of "Caila is the next Bachelorette" rumors, and I was about as pleasant as a Bridezilla who's mom effed up scheduling her 8th hair run through. 

So when they announced that it was in fact Jojo who was going to be the Bachelorette, I was so incredibly pumped. 
She's such a delight, ya know? 

The season always starts with "advice" from past Bachelorettes, so Katilyn, Desiree, and Allie all showed up to give Jojo the run down. 
 Kaitlyn pretty much told her that if she sees Nick Vaill to burn her finger prints and disappear into the night. 
Desiree told her to play it cool with the ones she likes, and pay attention to the lame-o's who don't peak her interest at first.
Because of the Brookes debacle, no doubt. 
Allie's advice was to not just like people because they were hot. 
So hopefully Jojo took that one to heart....

The introductions:

This gaggle of men is pretty standard in several aspects:
1. Hair that leans a littttle to the left or a litttttle to the right
2. Want to "win"
3. Think Jojo is the prettiest person they've ever seen
4. Do push ups to establish dominance
5. Drink like fish

There are a few that stood out this first week so let's breeze through them to help tousle their hair ever so slightly, shall we?

Former NFL QB: Jordan....Rodgers.
via Fox Sports
And he's hot.
I didn't even know Aaron had an equally hot brother...let alone two (google them). 

There's a Marine with a twin. 
Which is cool, unless they're identical. 
If one of them commits a crime, no one will be able to tell who did it, and it will leave a mystery unsolved forever. 
I saw it on Law & Order: SVU once.

There's the standard former pastor with 3 kids/ current Erectile Dysfunction Specialist: Evan.
If you are thinking to yourself: "Self, he looks familiar,"
It's because he looks like the guy who smells and cuts hair in "Charlie's Angels."

There's another veteran, Luke, who may also be an angel sent from heaven?
He seems very precious, but what threw me off with his intro was the fact that for the 3rd season, they have found a red barn to pose in front of...
Chris, Ben Higgins, and now Luke. 
Do the producers have a google search for these things? 
Red barns near me? 

There's Chad, who is hot, but a little bit creepy like the husband in "Sleeping with the Enemy." 
He looks into your eyes like he knows where all the crawl spaces are in your home.

Jojo, a little uncomfortable by his glare, told him that he smelled good. 
I love her so much.

Adam Levine's Evil Twin, Daniel, made his way from Canada, to grace us with a very clever and original play on the internet's "Damnnnn Daniel," with "Damnnnnn Jojo."
Later, he asked if she "got it" and if she had been "keeping up with the internet lately."

He's got game, timeliness, and the ability to execute a joke. 
He was also the first person to strip down into the pool, and poke another man's belly button.

Another stand out was James Taylor.

If you're new to the recaps, you should know something...
I hate when people sing at other people. 
It makes me so uncomfortable. 
HOWEVER, when James Taylor sang to Jojo: I was not appalled.
I felt something different...I think I felt love. 

Now when Wells, the DJ, brought out All 4 One and they sang to Jojo not once by twice, I was back to hating it. 
What was also unfortunate, was that no one knew who All 4 One was, and kept calling them, "That a cappella group."
I'm sure they'll bounce back.

A man, came dressed in a kilt.
His claim was that he was half-Chinese and half-Scottish, but mostly importantly half Scottish below the waist. 
While Jojo responded, "Thanks for throwing that out there,"
All I could think about was the time Ross learned to play the bag pipes for Monica and Chandler's wedding. 

Santa was there.
Instead of "Ho, ho, ho" he said "Jo,jo, jo."
Somehow, it wasn't the creepiest thing that's ever happened.
Plus he brought gifts. 

There was a hipster, who in classic hipster fashion, didn't know anything about the show or Jojo, or why he was even there. 

With the introductions out of the way, Jojo made her way into the house.
The men were hammered.
Like breaking into interview rooms, slurring words, hammered.
A lot of them kept saying how beautiful Jojo was, and slamming back more shots.
I'm not sure if they were held in a bunker before coming to the show, but they were acting like they'd never seen a pretty woman before.

There was some real stand out moments with Jordan and Luke.
Jordan is such a babe, and so sweet to her already that I'm really concerned he's going to be an uber villain.
Jordan ended up getting the first impression rose, and Luke ended up as my vote for Vice Presidential Candidate for 2016.

At the rose ceremony, the men were interrupted by JAKE PAVELKA.

You know the pilot sleaze ball that picked VIENNA.
Chad wasn't impressed by Jake (or the fact that he found out Santa wasn't real earlier in the evening.)

As he pulled Jojo out of the ceremony, she mentioned that Jake was a dear OLD family friend. 
She considered him a brother, and was so surprised to see him there. 
I knew in my heart that if he was there to stay, I was going to unsubscribe. 
I'll take Nick Viall over him any day. 
Ugh. He gives me the douche chills. 

Luckily he was just there to tell her that he wanted her to find love. 
Apparently, he couldn't have stopped by sooner. 
It's not like he knows how to fly a plane or anything...

The rest of the ceremony went off without a hitch. 
The rest of the season looks juicy and I'm very excited. 

What were your thoughts? 
Tell me in the comments! 

all images via abc.com

Mar 14, 2016

Looks like we've made ittttt

Well, tonight is the night. 
You remember in "10 Things I Hate About You" when Bianca said that she liked her Sketchers but loved her Prada backpack...

Tonight we find out who is Ben's Prada backpack. 

I'm really thinking it's Lauren B. 
However, if it's not Jojo, Ben might need to change his name and burn off his finger prints because her brothers will hunt him down and kill him. 

I'm not going to recap last week's episode because
I normally don't watch the "Women Tell All."
I get embarrassed easily for people that I don't know...and that is just a greatest hits of everyone's missteps. 

Not to mention it looked like a lot of the twins yelling at Olivia. 
I'd rather be watching wrestling. 
That may seem like a joke but...it's not. 
I usually watch "Monday Night Raw," after "The Bachelor" every week. 

Much like Jubilee....I'm complicated. 

Anyway, I'm excited for tonight and I'm hoping that the "After the Final Rose" isn't too terribly uncomfortable. 
But if Harrison has anything to do with it...
it will be. 

Who's got Jojo?
Who's got Lauren B? 

Tweet with me tonight! 

And just to get you warmed up for tonight, check out Cecily Strong's imitation of Lace from this week's SNL. 
It's magic. 

Mar 7, 2016

I love two...I mean you

I'd like to say I have been blog MIA because I've been mourning Becca still...or like...on an adventure but the truth is:
I'm scatter brained. 

I watched the hometowns...and woah buddy. 
They were brutal. 
Ok...Lauren's was fine. 
Amanda's was....ok. 
Caila's dad was....interesting...
Jojo's was a dumpster fire.
There's a solid chance her brothers are actually in love with her and her mom may have never watched the show but she sho knows how to open a bottle of wine....
That was a stretch. I felt it. You felt it. 
Let's move on from it. 

The top three was a humid love fest in Jamaica and I feel VERY WEIRD ABOUT IT.
I'll explain... 

Caila was first up. 
Her and Ben went on a strange river boat ride where they played the Silent Game...
That's what it felt like at least. 
She was nervous and just wanted him to know how much she loved him. 
So, that evening, she told him. 
She said that even though he couldn't say it back she could tell from his breath that he loved her back. 
I'm no expert, but I'm pretty positive you can tell when someone has had Doritos via their breath not if they are in deep passionate love with you. 
I've been wrong before. 
The Fantasy Suite was utilized and it was essentially a snooze fest. 
For us and them I'm assuming. 

Lauren's date was second, and smell my breath so you know it's real, I love the two of them.
They saved baby sea turtles with this guy: 
please be single please be single
via TV & Jelly

And their little fins waved to the camera.It was like Squirt from "Finding Nemo" was in front of our faces. 
Cowabunga, Dude.
via TV & Jelly
It was precious.
Way better than riding a boat and eating a burrito with Caila.
Well, I mean the burrito part seemed cool...but everything else: hard pass. 

That evening Lauren finally decided she was ready to tell Ben she loved him even though he couldn't say it back.
Except he did. 
Breaking Benjamin over here bucked the system and told Lauren he loved her too. 
via TV & Jelly

They also utilized the Fantasy Suite which left me thinking that 
Jojo would probably have to go home and marry one of her brothers because Ben clearly couldn't be in love with both of them. 

My concern for Jojo's date increased when Ben just kept saying he loved Lauren. 
It wasn't like a slip...he went all out. 
"Can you hand me that spoon? I love you."
"Chris Harrison is going to beat me. I love you." 
"Do they fine me like the NFL if I say it again? I love you."

Two things were a shock on Jojo's date: 
1. This bathing suit. 
via google search

Didn't think it was one for a second. Thought it was just an outline of lace triangles.

2. Jojo said she loved Ben and HE SAID IT TO HER TOO.
She said, "What? Can you say that?" 
Yeah girl, we didn't know either. 

They talked a little bit about her family during her hometown but in the end it was pretty much an "I love you" fest the rest of the day. 

They are a cute couple but I have a sneaky feeling Jojo is going to go home heartbroken. 
Which is why I thought this was a big episode of ick. 

Ben is probably my favorite Bachelor. 
He's sweet, he's kind, he seems to genuinely care for people, but in his attempts to be honest and truthful he is setting one of those women up for a cry till you barf kind of heartache. 
I don't know if I can get down with that. 
Will I watch it? 
But know that I will fill gross the entire time. 

With all that being said the episode wasn't even over. 
Caila wanted to "surprise" Ben to spend time with him. 
Meanwhile Ben was sitting on a bench contemplating the best way to break up with her. 
Just like the beginning of a rom com Caila loves.
via via TV & Jelly
Needless to say she was blindsided. 
She tried to understand but overall was mortified. 
I'm sure the birds that help her get ready in the morning will help her get through this trying time. 

Jojo and Lauren both showed up for the rose ceremony, telling Chris how Ben said, "I love you."
Chris took the news well:
"I'm going to murder him."
via TV & Jelly
Both women were handed roses, and Ben seemed hopeful that they would agree to a sister wives situation. 
"TLC will pick us up ladies, I can feel it."
via google search
The finale looks like an effing roller coaster and I am stressed the F out. 
My heart says Lauren. 
What about yours? 

Feb 23, 2016

A Recap...a late late late recap

Who's the worst recapper on earth? 

I thought before I finally catch up on last night's episode I would do a little run down of what happened last week...because like CNN I give you the news as it breaks.

I'll do overarching themes of the episode since it's so late and then I'll post a full recap of this week's episode soon! (Before next Monday.)

So....let's time travel to February 15th: 

-They are really making it so that America falls in love with Ben. I mean a cute boy driving a classic red truck in a small town? 
At least he doesn't like...love his parents or anything. 
Everyone has their demons...oh JK HE'S BEST FRIENDS WITH THEM.

 -Seeing Ben in his hometown was super precious and a little less terrifying than Chris's season.
Remember the abandoned building/ coffee house where whoever got their first brewed it?
Picture Ben's town a little less the day after the world ends, and a little more: the town from "Footloose" but after they were allowed to dance. 

-One of the cool things about this episode was that the remaining women started their very own Babysitter's Club and shot promo photos for their new book series. 

Seems like it's gonna be a good spin off. 

-Ben's date with Lauren B was a real emotional experience for me. Y'all know I'm Team Becca For President, till I die BUT Lauren B and Ben....for.get.it. They are the best. Ben took her around his hometown and it was cute and I was like, "Do I love them? I mean maybe but don't get ahead of yourself." Then Ben took her to the community center where he worked for 4 years...
 and introduced to her to Half Court Ronnie 
and spoke about him with such admiration that I might have cried. 
I'm not saying I did...but I'm not saying I didn't. 
But seriously Half Court Ronnie is a true American hero and will have no problem winning at least 3 cars at basketball game halftime shows throughout his life.
Then it was like ok...this can't get cuter right? They look so in love and they're having such a good time, but it's not like he's going to help a crying kid or help a baby dunk a basketball...

Well, shit.

-His 1:1 date with Jojo was sweet. But after you hang out with Ben and Lauren B it's kinda like watching a Joey and Dawson scene right after she hung out with Pacey. 
Can we talk about how they gave her a jersey with "Mrs. Higgins" on the back? It should have had an asterisk with a footnote that read: "Maybe...we can't confirm or deny it. Suck it Reality Steve. Go Cubbies."
 -Ben keeps saying how much he's himself around Jojo and how much he likes her and how much he wants her to be vulnerable. What could possibly go wrong...right? Again they're cute and all but...I feel like she's going to be heartbroken and I worry for her. Because it's normal to care about these women on a personal level, ok?

-When the final date card showed up and it was determined that Emily would be going on a 1:1, I had my fingers and toes crossed that it was going to just be Ben in driveway helping her put her bags in an uber ride to airport...and while we had to sit through the group date until her fate was revealed, I remained hopeful...

But seriously...what happened to her thumb?
 -That group date was brutally uncomfortable. Caila is not my favorite. She seems like a Disney Princess with an evil streak and it makes me nervous. Like has her boyfriend reached out to the media? Do we know if he's still with us? Because I wouldn't put violence past her. Though she is little...she is fierce...ly underestimated.
The caveat with this date, was that it was the only one with a rose and the only one with a guaranteed trip home with Ben. Becca, feeling the pressure of not getting a lot of 1:1 time with him, asked him to PLEASE not blindside her if he wasn't feeling it. She said please you guys. 
When he ended up giving the rose to Amanda, Becca cried, and that's like watching a puppy get kicked...TERRIBLE.
Please don't cry buddy. Please?
-When Amanda was given the rose they went on a night date to...McDonalds. Yep, if you thought the obvious plug from "Ride Along 2" was bad try working the drive thru and getting your ass handed to you by someone who wanted a hash brown from the All-Day Breakfast menu, but your at a location that only has pancakes and Egg McMuffins. Ice Cube and Kevin Hart for life. 

Then they went to a carnival and Ben was terrified of the rides because "they're set up in one day." 
I never really thought of it like that but now I am and I'm never riding one again.

-Emily's 1:1 date with his parents was also cringeworthy. 
At some points I was truly concerned that she lied on her application and was in fact 18 years old. 
When his dad asked what she liked and didn't like and her answer was,
"I like movies and I don't like vegetables," I racked my brain for what movie she was quoting and when I realized it was just her quoting herself...I knew...she was a goner. 
I mean, c'mon his mom started crying thinking about Emily long term in her life. 
Sure, Emily was willing to fulfill her dream of becoming an NFL cheerleader in Denver, because the since Ben lived there...but how long could she make the sacrifice of cheering for the Super Bowl Champions? 

"Are y'all kidding me with this? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?"
Ben sent her home pretty quickly after that...

Emily was strong in front of the women at first and then she started crying...and then everyone started crying with her...

And then she walked out with none of her things... 
I have so many questions. 

At the rose ceremony in the town square, Ben ultimately sent Becca home.
I mean she said PLEASE don't blindside me...and he did.
But ultimately she was gracious and perfect as always. 

This week is hometowns and I only caught a weird few minutes with Jojo's brothers so I'm sure I'm in for a wild ride.

Thanks for stickin' with my thru my spotty blogging. 
And for reading in general...you're the best. 

all images courtesy of ABC via Hulu