Mar 14, 2016

Looks like we've made ittttt

Well, tonight is the night. 
You remember in "10 Things I Hate About You" when Bianca said that she liked her Sketchers but loved her Prada backpack...

Tonight we find out who is Ben's Prada backpack. 

I'm really thinking it's Lauren B. 
However, if it's not Jojo, Ben might need to change his name and burn off his finger prints because her brothers will hunt him down and kill him. 

I'm not going to recap last week's episode because
I normally don't watch the "Women Tell All."
I get embarrassed easily for people that I don't know...and that is just a greatest hits of everyone's missteps. 

Not to mention it looked like a lot of the twins yelling at Olivia. 
I'd rather be watching wrestling. 
That may seem like a joke's not. 
I usually watch "Monday Night Raw," after "The Bachelor" every week. 

Much like Jubilee....I'm complicated. 

Anyway, I'm excited for tonight and I'm hoping that the "After the Final Rose" isn't too terribly uncomfortable. 
But if Harrison has anything to do with it...
it will be. 

Who's got Jojo?
Who's got Lauren B? 

Tweet with me tonight! 

And just to get you warmed up for tonight, check out Cecily Strong's imitation of Lace from this week's SNL. 
It's magic. 

Mar 7, 2016

I love two...I mean you

I'd like to say I have been blog MIA because I've been mourning Becca still...or like...on an adventure but the truth is:
I'm scatter brained. 

I watched the hometowns...and woah buddy. 
They were brutal. 
Ok...Lauren's was fine. 
Amanda's was....ok. 
Caila's dad was....interesting...
Jojo's was a dumpster fire.
There's a solid chance her brothers are actually in love with her and her mom may have never watched the show but she sho knows how to open a bottle of wine....
That was a stretch. I felt it. You felt it. 
Let's move on from it. 

The top three was a humid love fest in Jamaica and I feel VERY WEIRD ABOUT IT.
I'll explain... 

Caila was first up. 
Her and Ben went on a strange river boat ride where they played the Silent Game...
That's what it felt like at least. 
She was nervous and just wanted him to know how much she loved him. 
So, that evening, she told him. 
She said that even though he couldn't say it back she could tell from his breath that he loved her back. 
I'm no expert, but I'm pretty positive you can tell when someone has had Doritos via their breath not if they are in deep passionate love with you. 
I've been wrong before. 
The Fantasy Suite was utilized and it was essentially a snooze fest. 
For us and them I'm assuming. 

Lauren's date was second, and smell my breath so you know it's real, I love the two of them.
They saved baby sea turtles with this guy: 
please be single please be single
via TV & Jelly

And their little fins waved to the camera.It was like Squirt from "Finding Nemo" was in front of our faces. 
Cowabunga, Dude.
via TV & Jelly
It was precious.
Way better than riding a boat and eating a burrito with Caila.
Well, I mean the burrito part seemed cool...but everything else: hard pass. 

That evening Lauren finally decided she was ready to tell Ben she loved him even though he couldn't say it back.
Except he did. 
Breaking Benjamin over here bucked the system and told Lauren he loved her too. 
via TV & Jelly

They also utilized the Fantasy Suite which left me thinking that 
Jojo would probably have to go home and marry one of her brothers because Ben clearly couldn't be in love with both of them. 

My concern for Jojo's date increased when Ben just kept saying he loved Lauren. 
It wasn't like a slip...he went all out. 
"Can you hand me that spoon? I love you."
"Chris Harrison is going to beat me. I love you." 
"Do they fine me like the NFL if I say it again? I love you."

Two things were a shock on Jojo's date: 
1. This bathing suit. 
via google search

Didn't think it was one for a second. Thought it was just an outline of lace triangles.

2. Jojo said she loved Ben and HE SAID IT TO HER TOO.
She said, "What? Can you say that?" 
Yeah girl, we didn't know either. 

They talked a little bit about her family during her hometown but in the end it was pretty much an "I love you" fest the rest of the day. 

They are a cute couple but I have a sneaky feeling Jojo is going to go home heartbroken. 
Which is why I thought this was a big episode of ick. 

Ben is probably my favorite Bachelor. 
He's sweet, he's kind, he seems to genuinely care for people, but in his attempts to be honest and truthful he is setting one of those women up for a cry till you barf kind of heartache. 
I don't know if I can get down with that. 
Will I watch it? 
But know that I will fill gross the entire time. 

With all that being said the episode wasn't even over. 
Caila wanted to "surprise" Ben to spend time with him. 
Meanwhile Ben was sitting on a bench contemplating the best way to break up with her. 
Just like the beginning of a rom com Caila loves.
via via TV & Jelly
Needless to say she was blindsided. 
She tried to understand but overall was mortified. 
I'm sure the birds that help her get ready in the morning will help her get through this trying time. 

Jojo and Lauren both showed up for the rose ceremony, telling Chris how Ben said, "I love you."
Chris took the news well:
"I'm going to murder him."
via TV & Jelly
Both women were handed roses, and Ben seemed hopeful that they would agree to a sister wives situation. 
"TLC will pick us up ladies, I can feel it."
via google search
The finale looks like an effing roller coaster and I am stressed the F out. 
My heart says Lauren. 
What about yours? 

Feb 23, 2016

A Recap...a late late late recap

Who's the worst recapper on earth? 

I thought before I finally catch up on last night's episode I would do a little run down of what happened last week...because like CNN I give you the news as it breaks.

I'll do overarching themes of the episode since it's so late and then I'll post a full recap of this week's episode soon! (Before next Monday.)

So....let's time travel to February 15th: 

-They are really making it so that America falls in love with Ben. I mean a cute boy driving a classic red truck in a small town? 
At least he doesn't his parents or anything. 
Everyone has their demons...oh JK HE'S BEST FRIENDS WITH THEM.

 -Seeing Ben in his hometown was super precious and a little less terrifying than Chris's season.
Remember the abandoned building/ coffee house where whoever got their first brewed it?
Picture Ben's town a little less the day after the world ends, and a little more: the town from "Footloose" but after they were allowed to dance. 

-One of the cool things about this episode was that the remaining women started their very own Babysitter's Club and shot promo photos for their new book series. 

Seems like it's gonna be a good spin off. 

-Ben's date with Lauren B was a real emotional experience for me. Y'all know I'm Team Becca For President, till I die BUT Lauren B and They are the best. Ben took her around his hometown and it was cute and I was like, "Do I love them? I mean maybe but don't get ahead of yourself." Then Ben took her to the community center where he worked for 4 years...
 and introduced to her to Half Court Ronnie 
and spoke about him with such admiration that I might have cried. 
I'm not saying I did...but I'm not saying I didn't. 
But seriously Half Court Ronnie is a true American hero and will have no problem winning at least 3 cars at basketball game halftime shows throughout his life.
Then it was like ok...this can't get cuter right? They look so in love and they're having such a good time, but it's not like he's going to help a crying kid or help a baby dunk a basketball...

Well, shit.

-His 1:1 date with Jojo was sweet. But after you hang out with Ben and Lauren B it's kinda like watching a Joey and Dawson scene right after she hung out with Pacey. 
Can we talk about how they gave her a jersey with "Mrs. Higgins" on the back? It should have had an asterisk with a footnote that read: "Maybe...we can't confirm or deny it. Suck it Reality Steve. Go Cubbies."
 -Ben keeps saying how much he's himself around Jojo and how much he likes her and how much he wants her to be vulnerable. What could possibly go wrong...right? Again they're cute and all but...I feel like she's going to be heartbroken and I worry for her. Because it's normal to care about these women on a personal level, ok?

-When the final date card showed up and it was determined that Emily would be going on a 1:1, I had my fingers and toes crossed that it was going to just be Ben in driveway helping her put her bags in an uber ride to airport...and while we had to sit through the group date until her fate was revealed, I remained hopeful...

But seriously...what happened to her thumb?
 -That group date was brutally uncomfortable. Caila is not my favorite. She seems like a Disney Princess with an evil streak and it makes me nervous. Like has her boyfriend reached out to the media? Do we know if he's still with us? Because I wouldn't put violence past her. Though she is little...she is underestimated.
The caveat with this date, was that it was the only one with a rose and the only one with a guaranteed trip home with Ben. Becca, feeling the pressure of not getting a lot of 1:1 time with him, asked him to PLEASE not blindside her if he wasn't feeling it. She said please you guys. 
When he ended up giving the rose to Amanda, Becca cried, and that's like watching a puppy get kicked...TERRIBLE.
Please don't cry buddy. Please?
-When Amanda was given the rose they went on a night date to...McDonalds. Yep, if you thought the obvious plug from "Ride Along 2" was bad try working the drive thru and getting your ass handed to you by someone who wanted a hash brown from the All-Day Breakfast menu, but your at a location that only has pancakes and Egg McMuffins. Ice Cube and Kevin Hart for life. 

Then they went to a carnival and Ben was terrified of the rides because "they're set up in one day." 
I never really thought of it like that but now I am and I'm never riding one again.

-Emily's 1:1 date with his parents was also cringeworthy. 
At some points I was truly concerned that she lied on her application and was in fact 18 years old. 
When his dad asked what she liked and didn't like and her answer was,
"I like movies and I don't like vegetables," I racked my brain for what movie she was quoting and when I realized it was just her quoting herself...I knew...she was a goner. 
I mean, c'mon his mom started crying thinking about Emily long term in her life. 
Sure, Emily was willing to fulfill her dream of becoming an NFL cheerleader in Denver, because the since Ben lived there...but how long could she make the sacrifice of cheering for the Super Bowl Champions? 

"Are y'all kidding me with this? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?"
Ben sent her home pretty quickly after that...

Emily was strong in front of the women at first and then she started crying...and then everyone started crying with her...

And then she walked out with none of her things... 
I have so many questions. 

At the rose ceremony in the town square, Ben ultimately sent Becca home.
I mean she said PLEASE don't blindside me...and he did.
But ultimately she was gracious and perfect as always. 

This week is hometowns and I only caught a weird few minutes with Jojo's brothers so I'm sure I'm in for a wild ride.

Thanks for stickin' with my thru my spotty blogging. 
And for reading in're the best. 

all images courtesy of ABC via Hulu

Feb 15, 2016

Swimming with the .....Pigs?

I think it's safe to say I struggle with time management. 
Here we are on Monday ...and I'm giving you the recap from LAST Monday. 
I'm ashamed. 
But fear not, I won't just be snapping recaps, I'll still be typing them. 
Scouts honor. 

Last week was kind of a doozy...

We left last week with Ben pulling Olivia out of the cocktail party before the rose ceremony. 
As everyone speculated whether or not she was going to be sent home, Ben asked her what was going on.... 

Olivia claimed that she was being targeted by the women, because of her aggressiveness with Ben. 
She said it was hard for her to relate to them because they all liked to paint their nails, and do each other's hair and eat glue and use their fingers to count, but she was different.
Olivia likes to read books y'all.
She also likes thinking in her room. 
That's what she does. 
But most importantly she wants to talk smart....things. 
Because above all else she is: 

For some reason Ben thought, "that all makes sense, come on back."
So she did and everyone essentially pooped their pants. 
Emily, or as I've started calling her, Angry Taylor Swift, cursed like she pulled out a tray of bagel bites without an oven mitt. 
(I know what that sounds like because I've done it...twice.) 

Olivia, in her best, "I'm dead behind the eyes" impression said: 

Jen (?) in the end left. 
We barely knew you girl...see you in Paradise. 

They fly to the Bahamas and boy are their arms tired and marvel at their hotel. 
Chris Harrison shows up and tells them that this week there will be a 1:1, group date, and the dreaded 2:1. Then he says, "I hope to see most of you at the rose ceremony." 
Harrison give less than zero f's this season. 
And I love it.

Chick Flick Caila gets a second 1:1 date and Leah starts to lose it. 
She's the only one who hasn't had 1:1 time with Ben, and Caila is giving that time to someone he already spent time with. 
However, Ben tells us that Kevin Hart and Ice Cube prevented him from really getting to know her and he wanted to make sure that she wasn't just a smiley person. 
He wanted to know her demons everyone. 

The rest of the date is like this: 

Best time ever:

Crying in the bathroom about how they could have met a bar because they live 10 mins away from each other but fate* brought them to the Bachelor. 

Caila's date takes a bit of a drunken(?) turn when she tells Ben she feels like she loves him but doesn't know if she can be vulnerable with him...or if she's going to break his heart...but she's happy.

He eventually tells her that he's happy to be confused with her and gives her the rose. 
Because why not? 

When I tell you this next date is probably my favorite thing that has ever happened on the show I mean it with 100% of my heart. 

Leah, Becca, Jojo, the Lauren's, and Amanda get on a boat and head to Ben's private island. 
From a far they see something swimming in the water...what could it be? 

Ben tells them that they're all going to be swimming together and feeding the pigs hot dogs. 
Some women were worried that they would be cannibals, but Ben assured them they were chicken, and everyone grabbed the bucket and dove in. 

(Side note: there was a bucket of hot dogs on the boat the entire ride. Either the women didn't didn't care...or a producer had do come in on a side boat with the bucket and give it to Ben with no explanation. TV is a wild place.)

These pigs were AGGRESSIVE. 
Like it was essentially Jaws....but with pigs. 
This one ate Jojo. 

After everything calmed down, the women started to realize Ben and Lauren B's coziness. 
The women took to cradling baby pigs to hide their displeasure. 

The women were really thrown off by the 1:1 nature Lauren B and Ben's date started to take, and after awhile Ben started to notice. 
He pulled Jojo (back from the dead) aside and asked her what was going on. 
(Side note: is anyone reminded of the Santa Clause "popo gigio" moment whenever Ben says Jojo's name?....Just me?)
He asks her what's going on and she's like "'s real weird when you're making sure Lauren B doesn't get eaten but I'm over here trying not to get drowned by that pig...."

"Hey Jojo..."
Ben seems to understand and tells her it's hard to figure out the balance. 
He kinda talks to Jojo like she's his bff, so although I love her, I feel like she's about to get friend zoned here soon. 

Later that night a storm (hurricane?) blows in 
and the women all sit around talking about how awkward the day was. 

It gets super uncomfortable really fast (again) when Ben asks to spend time with Leah.
Instead of her using her time to talk about her and Ben she brings up arguably one of the nicest contestants ever, Lauren B, and says that she's not who Ben thinks she is.

Leah believes that throwing her under the bus will save her from being sent home. 
The ole' Bachelor math is really coming in clutch for her. 

During LB's conversation with Ben, he brings up the statement, and unlike Olivia, sheds real tears and is truly effected by the comment. 
Ben, unsure what to do with tears and an non-cyborg reaction, tells her it doesn't mean he thinks it but just wants her to know it's being said. 

Lauren B joins the group of women again and is distraught. 

Becca looks straight at Leah, a la Ms. Norberry when Cady calls her a drug dealer, and says, 
"Leah...YOU didn't say anything?"
Leah said, "I would never say that." 
Nailed it. 

Lauren B continues to weep the same amount as the pouring rain outside, while Ben gives Amanda the group date rose. 

Later Leah intended to seal the deal, 
and shows up to Ben's room later that night to continue to talk crazy nonsense to Ben. 

Recognizing the signs of a bunny boiler, Ben tells Leah he doesn't see them moving forward and asks her to go home. 
Maybe she'll see him and his girlfriend at a bar back home. 
I'm sure she'll handle it super well. 

The 2:1 date was last, and if I'm being 100, as the kids say, I was hoping he'd leave both of them behind. 
Angry Taylor Swift, is the worst.
Olivia is a robot programmed to kill and tell us the weather on the 8's. 
The producers were obviously ready to get it over with because they took them to the same Pig Island on the windiest day. 
As they settle in, it gets awkward...and fast. 
Ben took Olivia away first where she declared herself at peace with who she was and extremely centered and confident. 
Deep intellectual things were here jam.
In fact all she did was talk about how great she was compared to the other women.
Then she told him...
"I'm in love with you."

He said, 
"Thank you."

Then when he talked to Emily she demanded that he go on her journey of growth with her.
Basically she asked him to chaperone her through life. 

Ben grabbed the rose and took Olivia aside....
Angry Taylor Swift was "pissed" as she sat alone on the beach. 
Ben told Olivia that she appreciated her honesty but he couldn't move forward with her 
does not compute...
They made her stand there and watch Emily and Ben get on a boat and ride away from here while she stayed in that puddle.
 In fact...she's still there on the island...waiting for someone to come get her.

Olivia was clearly playing the game like a champ, but I do believe she was blindsided. I'm sure she expected to come off edited in a way that would make her Bachelorette material but that clearly wasn't the case. 
It'll be great to see what she has to say during the "Women Tell All" episode...and to see where she goes from here. 

The cocktail party was cancelled and in the end Lauren H. was sent back to Wisconsin. 
The rest of the season looks stressful as hell and at this point the only one I can see him picking is Lauren B. 

What about you?
Do you see him with one in particular? 
Clearly Becca is my pic for Bachelorette but who do you think is in the running? 

all images are from