Feb 25, 2015

Fantasy Suite: Sponsored by Ludacris

Well, we're down to the home stretch and much like every season that I get invested, I get a little bit nervous around this time.
Why?
Because Mondays become boring again and I just like doing hoodrat things with my friends on Twitter. 

You also know it's tropical vacation week because the ladies look like they showered in front of a  fog  machine in the middle of a rain forest, and the guys sweat like they've been doing karate in the garage for hours. 

Exhibit A: Kaitlyn

A lot of the date was them walking around Bali and getting attacked by the biggest small monkeys I have ever seen. 
Like they may have cracked a rib if they ran at Chris a little faster. 
Chris got peed on...ya know classic date stuff. 

They also met this stud.
All I need in this life of sin is me and my boyfriend. 

They talked about Kaitlyn being vulnerable and how she was so happy to be with him and how he was going to be a hard one to shake.
He tells her he's falling in love with her which is a new one.
But you know...there's no rules.
Then they got the fantasy suite card. 
It's always presented like an opportunity for them to spend all night together undistracted but I would like it a lot more if Ludacris presented the invitation with a 24 hr live performance of this song...
The first time it would be so exciting because Ludacris.

But the next two would be even better because he'd probably just throw the card on the table and be like "You know the drill, 24 hrs of me rapping, yall will make out, maybe more, who knows, it's up to you. Maybe you'll watch the couple episodes I was on "Law & Order: SVU" that messed with people emotionally. The world is your oyster.
Also there are oysters over there...aphrodisiacs and such."

The next date was with Whitney who is clearly already in her third trimester because all she does is talk about her children with Chris.
They gave the captain the go ahead and set sail.

I am the captain now.
Whitney talked/ate her hair and told Chris how much she loved hated her sister Kimberly.
Chris seemed pretty mellow the whole date not nearly as excited as he was with Kaitlyn.
He told her there were some sharks in the distance but not to worry about it.
Then he asked her to jump in the water.
Which they did.

Straight into a sharks mouth.
They were never seen again.

Just kidding.
They made it back to the Ludasuite.

Chris asked Whitney about her career and how she would deal with Arlington.
She said that her mom always told her to have something to fall back on but that she wanted to be a mom more than anything so she didn't care.
I was also afraid she was going to pull out a positive pregnancy test at that point because we get it...she wants a litter of children that are part Chris Soules.

The final date was with Becca.

She was rocking a very ambitious all black part pleather ensemble that made me sweat on my couch. 
But he took her around a farming area and explained things to her in the nerdiest/sweetest way. 
To me it seems very natural between the two of them. 
She seems like a funny down to earth girl WHICH IS WHAT CHRIS NEEDS IN HIS LIFE.
But I digress.

They go to a temple and talk to the medium of the village who tells them they should get it on.
Becca then barfed in her lap.
Maybe not literally. 
At one point Chris asked what her biggest weakness was as a person because he's romantic as hell. 
The medium actually quoted Miley Cyrus and said "She can't be tamed." 
He may be a medium but he is large into pop culture.
..............................................................
I'm not proud of that joke. 
But I am giggling at my computer. 

They talk a lot about Arlington and how she would need to be really sure about them to move there. 
WHICH IS SMART.
BECAUSE SHE'S PRACTICAL.
Just because Whitney has already started a Babies R Us registry doesn't mean she's the obvious choice. 
She tells the camera that she has always said that she's waiting for marriage  but that she is pretty into everything that's happening so who knows. 
She tells Chris and he stares at her like this for about a minute.

During the time we all waited for his response I melted. 
My skin literally melted off.
I felt so uncomfortable for her. 
But he took it well (because she said she was a virgin not a witch) and they stayed the night together. 

The next day, Chris seems upset because he said that he and Becca had some conversations and he felt unsure about what happened. 
I immediately started panicking and yelling, "WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE?"
Because I've got a lot going on in my life.

He talks to the Godfather, Chris Harrison, who has been to so many tropical locations he no longer sweats...
and talks about how he doesn't know what he's going to do.
Harrison basically said, "Whatever dude. Cowabunga I'm going surfing," and was outta there.

At the rose ceremony Harrison leads Chris to a temple where they have a no kissing policy.
Harrison watches as his young jedi leaves to make a very hard decision about the rest of his life, 
while he stands there thinking about what's for dinner.

Before the rose ceremony starts Chris pulls Becca aside and Whitney and Kaitlyn try not to do a victory dance.


Apparently they weren't allowed to talk for a couple of days but basically Becca is crazy about Chris and really wants to be with him. 
He tells her he's crazy about her...which I took as "Becca you're my one true love."

Meanwhile Kaitlyn and Whitney are throwing themselves a parade because they believe they are the final two. 
Then their hearts fell to into their butts when Chris came back WITH Becca. 

Praise.

He gives the first rose to Whitney, and the second rose to Becca. 

I know I started off this season really thinking she was the armpits but I felt so said for Kaitlyn. 
"Mother ffffffuuuuhh..."
Not only did he send her home but she had to walk up all those damn stairs. 
Sorry but I don't want to do cardio after being dumped on national television. 
Get me a jet pack and let me hover over land all the way back to Philadelphia, like a true women with class. 

When he walked her out he had nothing to tell her as to why she was the one who didn't get the rose. 
As a matter of fact he kept saying "this may be the wrong decision."
So that will comfort her on nights that she can't sleep. 
At one point a rooster crowed to lighten the mood....
But no one was laughing. 
Chris then sighed heavily for 2 minutes and cry sweated everywhere. 

Kaitlyn seemed really humiliated and I think that Chris not being great with words in tense situations probably didn't know what to do. 
There's a solid chance he was playing "eenie meanie miney mo" before he blurted out Becca's name.
Either way I have fully given up on my hatred of Canadian Kathy Griffin, and fully endorse her for the next Bachelorette. 
(But if there is more than one date where they rap at each other......so help me.)

In two weeks we are taken back to Iowa, and it looks dramatic. 
It looks like Whitney starts moving in, while Becca is like "yo dude can we figure out if we really love each other for a minute before I move here." 

Next week is Women Tell All and because these crazy biddies have been so entertaining all season I can't wait. 

What are your thoughts?
Are you #kaitlynforbachelorette like me?
Do you fall into the crew that thinks Becca is boring? 
(If so please turn a reflection paper in to me at ohjonesblog@gmaildotcom)










ControverCial Hometown Recap....


Ok. I was the worst last week and didn't have a recap for the 16 hour Bachelopalooza. 
Here are my general thoughts about everything that went down:
-The "tell all" that went down on it was clear that Kelsey thinks that she is very cute and hell bent on over pronunciation i.e. controverCial.
-Britt crumbling was so fascinating. She seemed like she wanted to be the only one he was dating and just cancel the rest of the show/ was conforming to everything he loved. Also her description of her family was less than appealing. Apparently they all eat off each others plates. 
Guess what, much like Joey Tribani,

 Ashley doesn't share food so that did not sound like a place I wanted to visit. 
Britt essentially losing her mind, and then trying to break up with him before he broke up with her was a disaster I loved.
I was worried that Chris was going to be too googly eyed over her to let her go but he's kind of a smart cookie, and let her walk. 
When she was "crying outside" there were no tears, and I'm pretty sure she scream cried near the door so he would run after her. 

She also started dressing more and more like she was at her own quinceanera which is strange as she is veintisiete.

The hometowns were presh and as per usual I was uncomfortable by the forced rapping on Kaitlyn's date. But her, Becca, and Whitney's family all seemed to be pretty adorable. 
Jade's family on the other hand seemed to believe that their daughter was a wild....naked....mustang. 
Jade then showed him her playboy pictures which was a super normal and great for everyone involved. 
I mean Jesus...just say they're out there.
She told him that her dad's coworkers were the ones that found them first and told him. 
So we know that her dad works with some stand up dudes. 
The fact that her family and her had very different interpretations of who she was, and Chris's concern that she was going to call his father "Heff" was enough to send her home. 

That meant that Kaitlyn, Whitney, and Becca were on their way to Bali. 
That recap will be up in just a few! 

Feb 23, 2015

Quick Recap.

Hometown recaps are way late but I promise that this week we will be back in business.
In the meantime I'll just leave this here:

Feb 13, 2015

A recap blessed with eloquence...

Normally at this point in the season I'm either:
-So bored
- Annoyed that no one cares about the actual guy
-Creating an unhealthy attachment
-Hate everyone

Can you guess where I'm at so far?

If you guessed creating an unhealthy attachment you'd be correct. 
(Becca for Prez.)

The drama this season is hilarious. 
The editing is great, you can hear how they chopped up b-roll to fit the conversation, and the women are just straight up banana bread bonkers. 

This week Chris spent most of his time digging his way out of a hole, but he's the first guy in a long time who really seems to not know what to do with 11 angry wind bags yelling at him all the time. 
He lives on a farm. 
He probably makes up fights with his scarecrows. 
And they're probably about discrepancies in "Field of Dreams." 
So even though he's a bit of a dummy when it comes to conflict management -- I love him. 

Having given my State of the Union on the season thus far, let's begin the recap. 

We return to the scene of  the would be cocktail party, where Chris tells the women they are going straight to the rose ceremony.
Kelsey literally panics and falls on the floor.
The paramedic tells her that she may have to call 911 and Kelsey is all about it. 
They ask her what she wants and she asks if she can talk to Chris.
That's when I heard the water boiling and knew that if there was a bunny around Kelsey was going to throw it in there. 
As she waited for Chris to get there she was a laugh factory and told EMT that she was definitely going to get a rose for this.

She talks to Chris and tells him that she didn't know that he was going to reference the conversation they had and she panicked. 
He was all, "Shit. Now I have to keep you here. You look beautiful," but you could tell he just wanted to get the f out of there. 

When she returned to the group she continue to be a chuckle hut and told the women she was delirious while she was having her "panic attack." 

I'm letting you know right now...home girl out ran the camera, smoothed out her dress, laid on the ground, and started "crying."

If I was truly panicking about something it would probably resemble Jerry's fart attack on "Parks and Rec," not Kelsey's lame attempt to recreate her favorite Taylor Swift music video. 

Ashley I was also freaking out during the whole even because she didn't have a sad story to manipulate Chris with....therefore she was going to have to do what the one thing she hoped it would never come to....sealing Kelsey's mouth shut with her best eye lash glue.

She also asked if the producers thought Kelsey was faking the dead husband story. 
In fact she asked if they had seen the paperwork. 
I do think that's something they make you upload with your application:
-General information
-Proof of legal residency 
-Favorite pictures 
-Misc forms and records ex. husband's death certificate 

As people prepared for the rose ceremony, they began to talk about how they didn't use their traumas to gain sympathy from Chris. 

Veggie's mom said that the fact that she was a single mom who had been in a bad past relationship was sad, but she didn't exploit that.

Look I've experienced some horrific things in my day.

I have wanted Chick-fil-a so bad that I could taste the chicken biscuit and as I pulled into the parking lot I remembered...it's Sunday?

I know pain people. 
I know pain. 

Kelsey claims that everyone should be worried because they wasted their time. 

This girl...I'll call her Cher because I still am CLUELESS as to who she is,
said she would be devastated if she got sent home. 

It came down to her, Veggie's mom, and Kelsey. 
One rose, 3 thorns. 
Kelsey ended up walking away with it, while Kaitlin professed her wish to punch her straight in the teeth holder. 

Chris says that he's excited for their next adventure: Deadwood, South Dakota! 
And because it makes sense they had an old timey photo shoot:

While the women were settling in to their new hotel, Kelsey was yet again telling us how she had tied up all her loose ends (dead husbands are loose ends?) and that because she worked so hard she needed nay deserved a 1:1.
Again--I can pretend to pass out right now. 
Y'all can't see me, but I've slide off my couch onto the floor, and have begun yelling at my dog like he is an EMT.
It's not hard work--in fact--the floor has helped stretch out my back. 

We also find out that this is the week where there will be:
-A 1:1
-A group date
&
- The dreaded 2:1

The 1:1 goes to Becca and Kelsey let's us know that she is not happy:

Becca on the other hand is pumped. 
When she arrives she is told that her and Chris are going to be riding horses. 
They also meet this donkey, Salt.


I would have hard passed on everything else and just asked to have a cuddle puddle with that little dude all day. 
He has a blanket y'all. 
He's prepared. 
He's at that date for the right reasons. 

Obviously Becca is a natural on the horse and seems to be have a really fun time with Chris. 
When the dinner portion of their date is at the hill billy version of the Melting Pot, she even gives him a hard time for not being the best at cooking the kabobs. 
They talk about how many kids they want and Chris says 4-6 would be "cool."
I'm sure that amount is cool when you aren't their housing unit--but Becca seemed on board so whatever. 

They kissed for the first time and it was perfect. 
Yes. Perfect.

They had my favorite date of the season and I'm telling your right now -- that's my 1 seed. 
Becca. For. Prez.

Back at the hotel, Whitney decides she is going to rally the girls and confront Kelsey's behavior. 
Kelsey is of course, so confused because she loves the women. 
She gets it though...she's blessed with eloquence and uses big words because she is smart...no wonder they are intimidated by her. 

She says that she's glad that they had that conversation. 
Not that she'll be more aware---just that she's glad. 
Afterwards, she went to the hotel's business center to use the computer where she googled words like, "arsenic" and "cyanid."

The group date card came next and that had everyone's name on it but Kelsey and Ashley. 
So if you're following along like I was that meant Ashley and Kelsey were on the 2:1.

It was in that moment I knew there was a higher power watching over me, because how else would such a treat be delivered to me? 

The girls on the group date headed out to meet Chris. 
There he told them that because country music was really important to him, they would be writing and performing songs for him with his special guests Big & Rich.

If you've read my recaps for the past couple of seasons you know that #1 of my "oh no nos" is being sung to in any shape or form. 
Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than someone romantically singing into another person's face. 
It doesn't have to be my face they're singing into. 
Anyone singing at anyone is mortifying. 

If you want to be romantic put on a loop of John Legend, Justin Timberlake, and that new Joe Jonas song and leave the room. 
I'll get the point. 

As the women go to write their horror soundtrack love songs Britt and Chris start acting like they are on a 1:1 date. 

Is it just me or does Britt love literally everything Chris does?
Because she's pretty and seemingly normal it's not as obvious as Ashley I. but I'm pretty sure that if Chris said he liked to stab people she would say she did too. 

Because this date made me so uncomfortable, instead of laundry, this week I did dishes. 
So here's what I did catch:
-Jade was nervous
-Kaitlin wrote a rap
-Carly sang a nice song that was allegedly meaningful, but I was essentially in my dishwasher at that point so I couldn't hear it. 
-Jade overcame her fear and sang but it didn't matter because Chris ran away with Britt to a Big & Rich show where he gave her a rose on stage while everyone else sat around and waited for them. 

When they returned and Britt had the rose I literally said out loud, 
"Whoa...dick move bro."

He quickly left the scene of the impending riot and said he would catch them all later. 
Britt told the girls that they went to a Big & Rich concert. 
That's when Whitney lost it. 


Leave for an hour --fine. 
Go to a Big & Rich show without her---how dare you. 

Whitney claimed she loved them. 
No one loves Big & Rich. 
Big & Rich don't love Big & Rich. 

The remaining women were upset that they didn't get to spend time with Chris, while also trying to not be upset with Britt.
However it turned into a lot of them crying/ awkwardly sitting waiting for God knows what...

An Uber ride?

I think the saddest reaction was Kaitlin's.
I didn't see her ever getting emotional and she did and now it makes me like her more. 
I don't know what's happening in the world. 

Finally it was the show down of show downs.
Ashley v. Kelsey
Ashley was pretty confident that she was going to defeat Kelsey. 
She compared herself to Glenda the Good Witch. 
I don't remember Glenda ever asking anyone if her clip in extensions looked natural, but I may have fast forward thru that part of the movie. 

Chris started out by saying, "It's going to be awkward today." 
That's when I knew he knew that we knew what he knew:
It was about to go down.

He took them to the Badlands because...duh.
But not before flying past Mount Rushmore in a helicopter. 
Kelsey impressed Chris by naming all the presidents carved in the rock, while Ashley scouted locations for Mount Kardashian/Jenner.
The copter dropped them off and the date started off with a bang. 
To be clear I mean--Ashley told Chris about Kelsey being fake--not like bang Kelsey shot Ashley.

Chris then went to Kelsey and told her what Ashley said. 
Kelsey claimed she had no idea what was going on but that she was just being herself. 

THEN Chris went who knows where---probably looking for a rattle snake to bite him--while Ashley and Kelsey are left alone. 

As they sit on the weird bed I believe they borrowed from Faith Hill's "Breathe" video, Kelsey stares at Ashley like this: 
 for 
ev
er

She tells Ashley that she knows what she told Chris.

Here's how the rest goes down: 

Ashley finds Chris...
Drags him away....
and asks him why he ratted her out. 
Chris was like, "Yo--I'm just....tired."
And Ashley was like, <>

And then Chris was like "I don't think I can give you the life that you want."
And then Ashley was like, "DO YOU THINK BRITT WANTS THE LIFE YOU HAVE?"
And I was all like...."whoa."
And then Chris was like ...."Is Britt here? Have you seen her?"
And then Ashley storms off expecting him to run after him, and when he doesn't she yells,
"SERIOUSLY CHRIS?"
And he sighs so heavily, almost like "I'm too old for this shit..." 
Hugs her and leaves her on the rock.

1 down.

 At home the ladies are huddled onto one small couch like their hotel room on the sinking Titanic, just waiting to see who's suitcase gets taken.
When Ashley's is removed, they all are so upset. 
 Not as upset as Ashley who continues to talk to herself and presumably blow her nose on all of the Badlands.

Kelsey, who feels pretty good about herself, sits and waits for Chris to return. 
You can still hear Ashley crying as Chris says, "I let Ashley go." 
Kelsey hugs Chris and tells him that she's sorry because Ashley leaving "is a loss." 
Chris tells her he doesn't think he's what she needs, leaves her there, and gets into the chopper.
The fact that he's outta there and there are two crazies still left on that mountain lead me to believe that they may just live there now.

My favorite part of the whole night was when the women at the hotel hear the door open again, and they take away Kelsey's suitcase.

Their reaction was amazing:

Kelsey said she's above it and measurably blessed and that she will carry on. 


One second later they flash back to the hotel room, as the women are getting drunk and toasting how, and I quote, "measurably blessed" they all are that she's gone. 

Perfection.

This season is everything I love about this stupid show...
everything. 

What did you think? 
Can you not even contain your excitement for the 2 night bonanza Sunday & Monday? 
Tell me errything. 



Feb 4, 2015

Balloons, Baths, and Butt Hypothermia...


This week Chris and the ladies were on the move...

 and according to Megan they were going out of the country to the island of New Mexico.
Here she is letting us know that she's wearing her "thinking cap"
She should probably just call it a cap...


The women made this super clever toast:
"hey hey hey hey here's to falling in love in Santa Fe...."

Megan immediately started searching for Santa, while Ashley I. started sobbing and asking "Who the f$#k is Fey?!"

The first 1:1 is with Carly. 
She's a little Jan Brady sometimes but all in all seems cool.

Chris tells us that they have a good friendship but was looking to see if there was a romantic connection.

 As the fcurrent mayor of Friendzonevania, I prayed she would make it out of their alive. 

(But seriously, Proflowers reached out to me to take a Bachelor compatibility quiz to see if Chris and I were meant to be and I got a 55%...)
Cuts me deep.
Anyway...cue the pan flute, because it is time to recap this date. 

Chris informed her that they were going to an intimacy/love guru. 
Because nothing says "perfect date" more than basing a date around a failed Mike Meyers movie. 
Did you know Justin Timberlake was in it? Because I did not.

After searching through the house for this mysterious expert we are introduced to:

I believe we can all agree that her real name is probably Leslie Johnson.

This date was so uncomfortable that I had to fold my laundry in order to not to make eye contact with the screen. 

You know things are bad when folding clothes becomes a safe haven. 

They were told to feel each other up with their eyes closed. 

And then had to do a breathing exercise that was really just Chris snoring into Carly's mouth. 
I do not know how or why that was a thing that had to happen during a date, but it did. 
It did folks. 
We can't unsee it. 

Carly later talked to Chris about the fact that her last boyfriend wasn't into her. 
She said that intimacy wasn't really something she's ever had. 
Which was sad because she's really adorable.

They had a real conversation, she got a rose, and everyone ignored the cheese plate that looked like it was sent straight from heaven.
That cheese is not feeling very needed right now folks.

Back at the hotel, the date card arrives, and once again Kelsey is on the group date. 
She decides it's time to tell her story of how she became a widow. 
Her husband Sanderson, was walking to work one day, and then died.
She couldn't remember from what, and that the doctors couldn't understand it either. 
Veggie's mom knew what did it:
Aliens.

Kelsey says she doesn't feel special being on the group date. 
But she was going to go...because she's strong. 

I don't doubt that her story is tragic. 
However, maybe don't tell us how we're supposed to pull for you because of your story. 
Let us make that decision on our own. 


The group date was white water rafting.
Chris introduced their captain, Sisqo. 
My head shot up expecting this:

But was disappointed when it was just a lumpy old man. 

He gave them the run down that they were probably all going to die, but to have fun!

There were two boats, and some how Ashley I. managed to be right next to Chris yet again. 
At one point Jade fell in. 

Everyone gets worried because Jade doesn't do well with being cold. 
She casually gets hypothermia pretty easily, or as real physicians call it: Titanicitis. 

Jade Frost's medical issue brought her some extra love and affection from Chris who tried really hard to warm her up. 
This sent the women into a frenzy/ wishing they had some rare disease.
Vegetable's mom specifically wished for butt hypothermia....you know so that Chris could rub it. 
She's a mother. 

Everyone dried off, checked to make sure Jade had all of her digits, kissed Sisqo goodbye, and made their way back to the hotel for a party. 

As Chris was walking thru the lobby, a woman stopped him. 
Remember Jordan? 
You know the really drunk one? 
Still not ringing a bell? 
That makes sense because she was let go 4 weeks ago. 

Jordan FOUND OUT where they were going to be and drove from Colorado to tell Chris how bad she felt, and was hoping he'd give her a second chance. 

Remember that astronaut that drove from Texas to Florida, wearing Depends, to kidnap another astronaut who was dating her ex?
I was gettin' that vibe a little bit.


Chris brought her to the party and everyone was super pumped to see her. 
Just kidding. 
Ashley I's literal reaction can be found below:


While Whitney did her best to squeak out a friendly hello, Ashley I said that the "top 11" (is that a thing) should be selfish and should not be nice to Jordan. 

Whitney tells Ashley to chill out. 
She says that no one is glad that she might be back, but they don't have to be rude to her. 
Ashley throws a pretty Gretchen Weiners type fit, and I was about to bet a dollar that she was going to say they should all just stab Caesar. 

Chris talks to all of the girls, and they're all pretty annoyed. 

Finally Chris realizes that it's not fair for Jordan to come back and sends her home. 
But if I were Chris, I'd do a thorough check of the corn fields when he gets back. 
Something tells me she doesn't think New Mexico to Iowa is that far of a drive. 

He gives the rose to Whitney, and Ashley loses it yet again. 
I believe her words were something like, 
"Whitney is the last person I want to get the rose. Especially after I just had that fight with her." 

Whitney says that she doesn't think Ashley is a nice girl. 
I don't know what tipped her off. 
Was it that she storms out of a room more than a 13 year old girl?
Or that she thinks that being mean to someone is a good way to communicate feelings?

Back in the room Ashley is snuggling with Veggie's mom and tries to gossip. 
Veggie's mom shuts her down almost immediately, saying Whitney has never done anything to Ashley. 
It made me have a little respect for her. 
A little. 

While all of the drama was happening in the hotel lobby, Britt receives her first one on one date. 
Turns out she's terrified of heights. 
And the shower. 
To be clear this is what Britt looks like without showering for days: 

This is how I look before, during, and after a shower:

Apparently she sleeps in make up and is really a messy dirty person. 
Maybe she's like that girl Ross dates on "Friends"...
The one that's really pretty and nice, seemingly perfect, but then he goes to her apartment and it's like:

Chris walks in at 4:30am.
When he  gets into the room, he shushes Carly, and goes to wake up Britt.

I took that as, don't worry about it Carly, go to sleep, it's ok.



Carly took that as, "CLOSE YOUR EYES PEASANT AND LOOK AWAY I'M ABOUT TO MAKE OUT WITH MY QUEEN."

 They kiss, and Britt runs around to get ready. 
It's not the coolest move, but when you all sleep 5 to a room, and are dating the same guy...awkward things happen. 



Britt is freaking out that they're going to jump off a cliff, but is pleasantly surprised when they end up riding around the mountains in a balloon only controlled by hot fire. 
Turns out her fear of heights is very selective.


Later they go back to Chris's hotel room.

She tells him she wants a lot of kids. 
And then he closes the door and they "rest."

Before Britt comes back the women start to turn on her. 
Apparently Britt doesn't want to get married, and doesn't want any kids. 
I knew it was too good to be true. 

 Britt  returns, and tells them about the date and how she spent two hours in his room. 
And that they took a...nap. 
Becca's face was by far the best:

Based on that nugget of info, Kelsey decides to kick it up a notch, and tell Chris her story. 
As she makes her way to the room, all I could hear was the Wicked Witch of the West's music...

 She kept saying how Chris was going to fall in love with her, and for a minute I kinda felt like we were going to watch him get like voodoo hypnotized.

Kelsey tells him she doesn't have bad news but that she wanted to just get some one on one time with him. 
Also her husband died.
She told him that every moment is precious and then they kiss. 
Because nothing gets you in the mood for love like talking about your husband's tragic death.
She then kissed him on his nose and claimed that everything was over because he made his decision.


 When she kissed the tip of his nose, I gasped so loud. 
It was so eery and uncomfortable, I just wanted to yell out, 
"Get outta there Chris! The call is coming from inside the house!"

Afterwards she said"Hell yeah I'm getting a rose!" 
And went on to talk about how this isn't just Chris's love story...it's also her's.
It was a chance for America to see a woman who came from a tragic situation and fall in love again. 
I was super conflicted. 
She's either really coped with things and is a confident person or she is a straight up crazy.

I found myself trying to work through what her grief must have been like...and then I realized I'm too invested in this damn show.

My inner conflict about Kelsey went away soon after the rose ceremony started.

This girl....(who she is I have yet to figure out...)
says she hasn't gotten any one on one time and that's stressful for her.
Ashley says she's also nervous and points out that Kelsey, Ashley, and Veggie's mom must also be feeling the same, since they didn't get a lot of time with him. 

That's when Kelsey proclaims she is confident. 

Chris comes out and gives a weird speech and is kind of shaken up.

He references some private time with Kelsey and everyone grows suspicious.
He leaves to talk to his keeper, other Chris, about what's going on. 

Kelsey says she didn't tell the group about her private time to protect them from an awkward situation. 
She tells them that everyone moment is precious and that she has to say good by to people...well that she's not going...but will have to say goodbye.
I honestly believe she thought that she had convinced Chris to marry her during their talk. 

When it becomes clear that their won't be a rose ceremony, Kelsey, sensing her plan didn't work had a "panic attack."


We're left with a be continued....

I'm a little confused as to what's going on but I feel like the level of crazy is escalating a little too quickly. 
Way too many schemers. 
I'm not into it. 
Give me old fashion crazy (Ashley S.) any day. 

My prediction is that the top 4 will be: 
Jade
Whitney
Kaitlyn 
Becca

I'm worried Kelsey and Britt stay for far too long. 
My other fear is that I'm worried...because I don't know any of these people.

What were your thoughts?
How compatible are you with Chris?
Gimme the scoop!