Jan 21, 2015

Amazing Hors d'oeuvres

This week was 1000x better than any episode of the 'Bachelor' because we were joined by Jimmy Kimmel. 
He arrived to wake up Chris, who not surprisingly sleeps like a precious angel.

We also found out that we would totally be able to do a pretty efficient B&E of Chris's apartment as long as he was asleep because Jimmy Kimmel had to get right up on him in order to wake him up.

Jimmy tells Chris that he'll be helping him this week with the dates and to get dressed and ready for the day. 

Then he headed to the house that hair spray built--the ladies mansion.

Chris Harrison told the women they were going to be joined by someone special to help with dates that week. 
One of the women literally said,
"Is it an animal?"

Why would it be an animal? 
What animal could possibly help plan dates?
Lamb Chop?

Jimmy told them he was a Bachelor expert and knew that they used "amazing" as a describing word pretty frequently.
If anyone used that word during the week they'd 

have to put a dollar in a jar.

Not unlike the douche bag jar Schmidt has on 'New Girl'.

The first date was with Canadian Kathy Griffin (CKG).
Their date was promised to be a location with high ceilings and unlimited hor d'oeuvres. 
As they pulled up to the spot, they reacted the same way a person who was dropped in the middle of Fallujah.

Which was truly disappointing, because they got dropped off at the best place on earth:

I live for Costco.
1. You can make a whole meal out of free samples. 
2. They have churros that are $1
3. They have the best paper towels and toilet paper.
4. According to this lady (and my dad) they have excellent cooked chickens.

Chris and CKG were asked to purchase a few things for Jimmy, including enough ketchup to fill a hot tub.
A real life date//activity that you would do as a couple. 
I thought it was a great idea. 
The way Chris talked about how great CKG was for handling the date so well, made me fairly irritated.
They didn't drop her off at a women's correctional facility, they're at a store where you can buy bagel bites in quantities of 48 or more.

Towards the end, Chris did say, "who needs helicopters when you have Costco," so I do think he came around. 

I hope to find the love of my life in Costco if we're being honest. 
Our hands can brush as we both reach for the last broccoli cheddar Hot Pocket sample...which he'll let me have because he's a true gentleman. 

They find out that they are going to be making Jimmy dinner, so they go back to the house. 
There they talk and make out and my heart dies a little inside. 
Her laugh further crippled my soul as it reminded me of the duck ringtone option on my iphone. 

Jimmy arrived and made things much better. 
Through his conversations with CKG, we found out that she dated a "legit" farmer who milked cows. 
Uh...please do not diminish that lovely man's profession because he doesn't have a damn cow.

Jimmy asked if she would be upset if he slept with everyone in the fantasy suite. 
She said no and that it's part of the process. 
You know because she's so cool and understanding...she's not like those other girls. 
Let's all remember that moment, because if she sticks around (which I feel like she might) we'll need to remind her of it when she loses her mind with jealousy.

He ends up giving her the rose, and they make out while Jimmy eats chicken wings in the hot tub. 

The group date consisted of a Double Dare challenge where the women had to shuck corn, crack an egg, milk a goat, drink the goat milk, shovel poop, and catch a greased pig. 

I'm not sure if you knew this but Jillian, is strong and competitive, and was assured she was going to win.
 I honestly don't know why she feels the need to show her birth canal in every scenario but at this point it's more puzzling when the black box isn't covering her 

I thought she was a shoe in to win the whole thing but the cruise ship singer pulled out the W and got to spend 10 minutes with Chris. 

Later, Carly capitalized on her victory by asking Chris for some more alone time.
She gave him the best pick up line I've heard in quite some time: 
"I'm a woman, you're a man."
Then dove right in for a kiss. 
She told him she knows she's girly and sweet (how I talk about myself as well, especially in interviews) but she wanted to take charge. 

Meanwhile Vegetable's mom believed that she was the first one in the house to be kissed.
And now seeing how many girls have gotten kissed, she feels like her's wasn't as special. 

Fact Check:
Britt was the first one kissed.
No one knows because she didn't give a detailed play by play like that ole frizzy bag of hair. 

Veggie's mom then asked Chris why he was kissing everyone.
He said "because..."
She responded very adult by saying "he probably hatesssss me." 

Fact Check:
I hate you.

Something that brought me a lot of joy was how annoyed the other women seemed when Veg's mom talked about their conversation. 

She's playing dumb to seem cute, and it's the total opposite. 
The best part of the whole date was the conversation Chris had with Becca on the roof. 

She seems so nice.
She also didn't kiss him right away so that will work in her favor.
Mainly when everyone contracts mono from making out so much. 
I hope she sticks around.

The final 1:1 date was with the squeak toy known as Whitney.
 The date took place in a winery. 
Whitney asked Chris what he was looking for in a wife. 
He said someone who could shoot the shit. 
She responded with, "I meet a lot people at the airport."

So she's one of those people.
Although she said she's friends with her airport homies on Facebook, I kind of believe that all just wanted to eat their airport snacks and charge their phones in peace. 

In the distance they see a wedding.

Whitney declares "yolo" and says they should crash the wedding. 
You know because she's so spontaneous. 
I have a feeling the most spontaneous she's ever been is that time she didn't use a flat sheet while making her bed. 

When they show up to the wedding they go over their story. 
They had a pretty detailed back story and if I've learned anything from "Oceans 11" it's that you don't give too many personal details when planning a heist.
So note to self: don't plan on committing crime with those two.

Whitney was also real jazzed to tell everyone she was engaged to Chris. 
So that's going to end super well when their relationship goes down in flames. 

I also found it extremely hard to believe that any self respecting Bachelor fan wouldn't question their claims based on the knowledge of their traditional filming schedule. 

Rookie move. 

Unfortunately, Whitney didn't catch the bouquet bringing her stats to 8 out of 11 weddings. 
Here's the thing about that: You have already caught 8 boo, and nothing has happened. 
That 9th one wasn't going to get you a deal at the wedding store.

In the end everything was just fine.
 The couple, Shannon and Nick, had delightful taste.
 Hopefully there were given a substantial gift card to the Container Store for their troubles. 

Instead of a rose ceremony we were treated to another pool party. 
Chris wore this sweet necklace...

And Ashley I. was upset she couldn't pull off her Kardashian look.

Literally something she said.

I can sum up the pool party in a couple of sentences.

Jillian monopolized the hot tub.

Jade wore white heels with her bikini, because....duh who doesn't? 

Juelia told her tragically sad story about her husband, while Ashley I wept because she didn't have any time with Chris. 

I felt like Juelia's story should have been handled a lot more tastefully...
It's not a good look to go from talking about real issues surrounding mental health to this....

Ashley's cry laughing and suction cup like kissing technique was truly gross. 
Literally the sounds of them kissing woke my dog up from his slumber.

Not to mention that she littered her plastic (tacky) daiquiri cup in Chris's yard. 
Think of nature Ashley. 
Think of this guy. 

He can't listen to your problems if he's stuck in your trash. 

After her tantrum, Ashley said her confidence level was at a 9, she also told Chris that she preferred when he called her name at the beginning of the rose ceremony. 
And that she liked white flowers, diamonds, and not being poor.

The rose ceremony was pretty uneventful. 
Ashley I got picked last which made me laugh and laugh. 

There were still a lot of people that were picked that I've never seen. 
Next week looks about as full of kisses and tears as any typical episode, so I'm looking forward to it. 

It's week 3 and so far I still love Chris. 
This time last Bachelor season I was already over Juan Pablo, so that's promising. 

What about you?
Tell me errything.

Jan 14, 2015

Fear Factor

Every week I watch this show, and every week I'm reminded of things I truly fear I may come across in my dating life. 
However these dummies don't blink an eye. 
Through much of this recap I'll take you through several of my oh-no-no's 
Join me on this journey won't you? 

Last week we were left with a cliff hanger. 
Some girl named Danielle was not quite ready to leave. In her heart she was meant to be there. 
So she pulled Chris aside and asked to stay. 
Chris, like any grown man would do, went to his reality tv show host and legal guardian, to ask if it was ok.
Look into my eyes when I tell you..." I do not care."

As the Chris's are coming to a consensus, the other women are shunning her. 
Canadian Carrot Top (I know she's not a red head but she thinks she's hilarious and it's alliteration so go with me...) states that when it's time to leave it's time to go...forever. 
I agree with her...mainly because letting someone else back so soon only teaches the girls bad habits. 
If you set a "no rules" precedent so early, they're just going to keep pushing to see what they can get away with....
Not like I truly care or am already emotionally invested in the rest of Chris Soules' life.

They also introduce where Chris is living this season and say that he's looking forward to a knock on the door. 
At this point they aren't even trying to surprise us with nonsense. 
It's like they're all sitting in a room, and thinking 
"Well...I mean....let them do a B&E this season....whatever. Throw Clare's raccoon in there for fun, why not. Action!"

Chris starts getting ready for his first group date and they show him showering outside again. 
I don't know if they think that makes us consider him rugged and outdoorsy but I'm pretty sure he's a multimillionaire who showers inside on a regular basis. 

To be clear I don't mind the footage but....he's not a hillbilly hand fisher so let the boy in the house.

The date card arrives and tells the girls to show Chris their country. 
Ashley I. says she's more Kardashian than country....
Fun fact: Wayne, NJ is where some of the NJ Housewives live. So...there's that.
We know girl. We know. 

 Chris shows up wearing his best deep v zip hoodie...
"soak it in ladies..."
and tells the girls that he wants to have a pool party! 

Fear 1. Going to a bikini pool party with a hot dude and really pretty girls. 
I believe I've said this in previous seasons, but my bathing suit of choice for this show would be a full scuba suit. 

Then they all started playing chicken because apparently that's the most fun thing ever. 
I prefer a non threatening game of sharks and minnows or "Hey Mom watch me do a handstand" but then everyone is like "Why did she bring her mom?" and I'm all like "Because Barb Jones is my bff and we ride or die." 

But you know whatever I didn't plan the date so I guess I can't criticize too much. 

Also these women are brave to sit on a man's shoulders. 
I just don't want my butt so close to his ears, because farts happen y'all and that's not a real "whoever smelt it dealt it" situation you can play off. 

Then after the party Chris takes them for a walk down the street 
 to a tractor race.

When I heard tractor race I thought,
"Finally all my dreams are coming true, Kevin Bacon and Chris Soules are going to recreate that scene in 'Footloose' and I will need nothing else in my life."

What actually happened was this:

It took them about forever to have a winner, but it ended up being Ashley I. 
Who sat on his lap. 
 Which brings me to my next oh no no...
Ashley Jones does not sit on boys laps.
Not for purity reasons but for proper weight distribution purposes. 

"Hey Ashley why are you shaking?"
"Oh um because I'm working my core trying not to put all of my weight on you, which then cripples you, causing you to lose the farm."

After some time with the ladies Chris decides to take Vegetable's mom on a date. 
She has about an inch of beer and is wasted. 
She tells Chris that she likes his big nose....
and asks if he had his ears pierced (answer: yes.)
She closes out her interrogation with a question everyone needs to know on their first date:
Did Chris believe in aliens?

 I thought she was asking because she was going to tell us the father of her baby was a Monstar from Space Jam, but yet it was just another Bachelor let down.

She told Chris that she had a kid.
He told her he was 33 and kids didn't scare him. 
That apparently opened a portal into Kale Tales because she gave us a rundown of all his funny faces. 

Like this one
when he sees something he likes. 
Which oddly enough is the face I make when I see something I like. 
So either I'm Kale, and she's my mom....or that's a common face children and humans make.

They kiss one time.
But when she gets home she regales the group with a story, not unlike Elf's as he talks about his walk through the candy cane forest. 
She adds about 15 more kisses than we were actually witness too and all the women start to note her crazy.

Let's back track for a second....
During the group date they cut back to the house where the Scary One from DC and Megan go to Chris' house. 

They blurred out Scary Spice's butt...which fine...maybe it's too much glut for the public

....but they also blur out the front. 


While Scary Spice is claiming things as her own by rubbing her butt cheeks on everything,
Megan is apparently discovering not only her nose, but also what a helmet is and how it works. 

That's her ramming her head into the brick wall. 

It's no surprise that when she gets the first 1:1 date, she doesn't know what to do with the card or what it actually means. 

I eat this?
 When Chris is there to pick her up, she asks him to feel her breast....chest because her heart is beating so fast. 

They end up taking a plane, and then the ole faithful helicopter to the Grand Canyon...or as Helmet Head calls it, "That big ole hole." 

During the date, Megan tells Chris that her father had a major heart attack right before she was supposed to come to LA. 

This is after we learn that one of the other girls in the house, has a daughter and who's husband killed himself soon after she was born.

I don't know if there's a new question on the application that says 
"Have you had a horrific trauma in your life? If so, please check yes. Also yes is your only option so if no, please submit this application to the garbage can." 

Helmet Head is actually pretty sweet and I didn't hate them together. 
I don't know if y'all have been thinking this as you watch, but I think she'd make it on the farm.

As the next group date is read we find out that Scary Spice Jillian looks like she singed her eyebrows off when not wearing any make up.

 I was literally startled. 

The women find out that they are going to be shooting zombies.
Everyone seems to be having a great time, while Ashley S. seems to have taken a large dose of cocaine.
Not only does she continuously shoot the actors after they're down but she walks through the group of zombies  and open paint ball fire, like it's no big deal.

You know what's scarier than zombies?
Child ghosts. 
You know what's scarier than child ghosts?
Ashley S. 

While everyone was trying to get 1:1 time with Chris she was seen pacing and wondering through the property speaking incoherently. 

She had this weird mascara looking container that I can only assume held all of her drugs.

Let's all witness the legit fear and concern Chris has in his eyes.

She tells Chris that he doesn't want to lose the whole world and then speaking only in riddles.
I don't know if her traumatic secret is that she's Rumpelstiltskin's daughter or she's simply that bonkers but she makes me truly uneasy.

Canadian Carrot Top (Kaitlyn) gets 1:1 time with Chris and tells him that she's the entertainer in the house.
If she would stop saying how funny she was maybe I would stop hating her so much.

He and Britt reunite and it's adorable.
I mean I kind of love them. 
But I'm suspicious. 

Canada gets the date rose, and everyone else goes home upset.

At the rose ceremony, Ashley I. tells Vegetable's mom that she's still a virgin. 
Vegetable's mom becomes so jealous and says that guys love virgins, and she she wishes she could claim she was but she has a kid so that jig is up.

Those were the days.
 Ashley I. doesn't tell Chris her "secret" but did tell him to make a wish on her Jasmine belly button ring. 
He wished for a kiss, and then she made him rub the lamp on her belly. 

The final oh no no....a man rubbing my belly// making a wish on it. 
We can all just know why without me explaining why that's terribly tacky and horrifying right?

She also descended on him like a dementor from Harry Potter with that kiss.
Very uncomfy and very aggressive.

The rest of the cocktail party was kinda bland. 

A girl named Jordan was hammered for the 3rd time in a row, and while very entertaining:
she wasn't really coherent enough to utilize time with Chris. 

During the rose ceremony, Scary Spice heard "Jillian" instead of "Juelia" and as she walked to get the rose, bit it pretty hard. 
Meanwhile Juelia stepped by her to claim what was rightfully hers. 

Scary ended up getting a rose too but nothing was more shocking than who he gave the last rose to....

Ashley S! 

You're telling me that you can be a straight banana sandwich and continue on to next week?
There have been a lot of crazies that have made it through but they were wonderful at hiding it in front of the guys.

She straight up jibber jabbered in his face, crawled around on the ground for cats, and had dead eyes and cruised right on to week three.
Just amazing.

A sad moment came when party girl Tara was left outside crying while everyone cheered inside. 
Those walls are either made of papier-mâché or they place them right next to an open window, because the losers going home can always hear every word of the toast.
It's a rough move, but really emphasizes their misery, thus making for great tv! 

I don't know about you but I'm loving this train wreck already.
I don't know what Jimmy Kimmell is going to be doing next week, but I'm hoping it's having the women read mean tweets. 
Because imma be all over that. 

Jan 6, 2015

Drunk In Love...

The premiere arrived this week and it did not disappoint!

The episode was THREE hours.
Talk about a commitment.

The first hour was primarily a red carpet pre-show, that made me want to float away in to the heavens.
It was painful to watch.

To be clear I did, but I was praying to all that was holy that Marcus would attempt to kidnap Andi to make it at least a little eventful.

The one thing they did spend a lot of time on was Nikki and her break up with Juan Pablo.
She said a lot of things, but I could only really focus on her eyebrows.

Her interview was longer than their first introduction of the actual bachelor so I was beginning to worry that they were pushing her to be the next Bachelorette.
(I've been watching a lot of "The Good Wife" lately so I'm convinced everyone is a politician with an alternative motive.)

Did anyone else catch how much she talked about Juan Pablo being in the entertainment industry?
I was under the impression that he just worked for baseball...
Who knows, maybe this summer he'll debut his new boy band....Juan Direction.


If you're still with me after my last ever Juan Pablo pun, let's move on shall we?

During Chris's introduction they showed a lot of his land.

I don't know what he farms,

but it's pretty and I'm going to take up residency in those fields and make a crop circle of an alien.

Because my love for him is out of this world.

His montage was generally him doing farm things, and making farm metaphors to love.
It turns out I have no idea what farmers do but it looks fun.

Is he wearing shoes?

Then, not unlike his first date with Andi, they gave him his "Pretty Woman" make over and had him do the most farmery farmer things...
Get it Chris? Because you're a farmer?
Then it was on to the women...

The first one we meet is either an actual Disney Princess or a Vanessa Minnillo impersonator. 

She's a feeler, and a hugger and isn't afraid to tell anyone who will listen.
When she meets Chris she hugs him for an extraordinarily long time.
To the point that I was concerned she used hugs as a way to absorb others youth.
After I counted to ten Mississippi, I had convinced myself she was pulling the ole' sleeper hold on him, but she finally let him go...for now

Up next wasAmanda, the ballet teacher.
When asked why she was still single, she replied,
"Because I'm bat shit crazy."

So that was comforting.
When she arrived to the mansion she had the driver give Chris a note, telling him that she was his secret admirer.
And by the way she was dressed, a genie as well.

The rest of the night you could find her making this face:

Spoiler alert: She didn't get a rose.
My theory is that she reminded him of a mean ole woodland creature from the farm.

The fertility nurse also made an impression.
Not only did she ask her dog if Chris could be its daddy, she also asked Chris if he inseminated hogs on his farm.
She then said her job was just like that.
Please see the response from all of her patients below:

We then meet a lady who has a son named Kale.
Like the vegetable.
One of my friends on Twitter now only refers to her as Vegetable's mom, and I would appreciate if you all do the same.

Then, our resident cowgirl showed up in her jean shorts and plaid shirt to show her real side.

She made sure to pick her wedgie right as she got of the limo...just for the added touch of class.

When she walked into the house the women looked at her like she was wearing a dress made out of cheese curls and twizzlers.

She began to regret her decision, changed, and then introduced herself one more time.
This time accentuating her shoulder tattoo.

Ashley, who was either auditioning for Taken 4 or was truly confused as to where they had dropped her off, got out of the car and gave Chris a penny from her sweaty shoe.
"My dad has a particular set of skills..."
She later went on a rampage about riding thru a field of sunflowers on a horse...
Then she found an "onion tree."
She told producers she was going to pick it.
Turns out it was a pomegranate.

Yes folks, that happened.
Then this old wind bag showed up.

And told Chris that he could plow her field any day.
I'm not trying to be a prude, but do not talk to my precious angel that way.

Chris Harrison came out after 15 women had been introduced.
Harrison told Chris to go in the house to meet the women.
The ladies were all surprised because normally there were more to come.
One woman even said, "they had 27 women for Juan Pablo and he was a douche."
Well said m'friend.
Well said.

Chris walked into the house, and the old wind bag asked if she should tell a joke because she usually makes people laugh.
Chris said, "After I talk."
And Kathy Griffin promptly shut her mouth.
Until after his speech where she told another really lame kinda gross joke.
I feel as though I'm going to be over her fairly quickly. 

As he began talking to the first 15 , I thought....these ladies look like all the ladies that got sent home the first night from the other seasons.

I think they may be recycling contestants. 

The women sitting in the house repeatedly count how many of them there are, and convince themselves that there have to be more.

Then shocker of all shockers, 2 more limos arrive.
The first group breaks out an abacus and TI-83 as more ladies file in the door.

At one point the next group of limos were being called a "special surprise."
No...that's just how it goes.
That's how many people are supposed to be there.

Clearly we couldn't make it through one limo introduction episode without some chick singing into someone else's face.

She physically hurt my heart.

There was a 4th grade teacher who read a letter from one of her students, that said how great of a person she was.
If one of my college students wrote a note to Chris it would say,

"This lady talks about her dog a lot and she gave me an alcohol sanction once. She kinda sucks but maybe if she gets a boyfriend she'll be way more chill. Take one for the team bro and give her that plant or whatever at the end of the show."

After everyone was present and accounted for, they started trying to take each other out so that they could have one on one time with Chris.

I'm pretty sure I saw one of the women pull out the Jumanji board game, hoping that in the jungle one would wait until another biddy rolled a 5 or 8.

Chris ended up giving the first impression rose to Britt, and the were pretty adorable immediately.
She could be great now, but she's got the potential to be a straight bunny boiler so I'm guarding my heart.

As the night went on the women got drunker, and sadder looking.
They started off looking like gorgeous princesses and then by the rose ceremony some of them looked like the beggar from "Beauty and the Beast."

Especially Tara.

As the rose ceremony progressed she hiccuped,  stumbled, and almost fell asleep.
One time the camera went to her and she was so jittery I thought she had money on a game, and needed to check the spread.

Chris left the ceremony to ask Chris Harrison if he was allowed to pick the drunk one.
Harrison said he could give her another try, and much to the other women's dismay Tara was given a rose.

He also gave one to Clare Jr. (Ashley) so it'll be nice to have a little extra crazy around for awhile.

After the unpicked were saying their good byes, one couldn't take no for an answer and made her way back into the house...

We'll have to wait and see what happens next week.
I hope she makes a big scene by declaring a "Winner Takes Rose Match" with the girl of her choosing.

I'm pretty sure he'll just send her home.

I'm excited about this group.
They seem just the right amount of bananas and Chris is 1000% perfect.
Who were your favs?
Who do you wish went home last night?
Tell me errrything.

All images are from abc.com or google image search