Jul 10, 2016

Pokemon No.

I have to admit something. 
I suffer from severe cases of FOMO...you know fear of missing out. 

If there's a new Snapchat filter, I'm holding on to my face, and putting that flower crown on.
If I could put the dog ears and nose on with the flower crown, I would essentially out Kylie, Kylie Jenner. 
This one speaks to my soul.
If there's a new flavor of Oreo cookies: I try them. 
Watermelon Oreos taste like chewed up Bubbalicious. 
But you know what, I wouldn't have known that, I had I not wasted my money tried them.

There was the time I wanted to be where the people were....and went to a Target during the Lilly Launch. 

Or that time that I got sucked into that Kim Kardashian Game/App. 
via
Oh, what was that game?
Let me tell you all about it. 
You start as a D list celebrity, and slowly, by going on dates, photo shoots, and club appearances you get closer to the A List. 
The catch is that during "parties" and "dates" you have to be on your phone for basically the entire time so you can earn points and prove you're a worthy A-Lister. 
If you don't pay attention, and don't interact you get rated poorly and then these people, who let me point out, DO NOT exist, fake tweet about you and you lose your street cred.

I distinctly remember, being on a "date" on my phone while on call for work.
I got a call, and 
 by the time I was back and checking in, the date was over, he hated me, and I went from a B to a C. 
My confidence was shot, my fake boyfriend was mad at me, and I was 28 alone on a Friday, mad that my social life was regulated to the C list. 
Clearly I was "Livin' it Up" like Ja Rule taught me in my real life though....

It wasn't until a friend-tervention with my friend Katie, who kindly told me I was being the worst and needed to stop trying to earn points for a new fake outfit, and to eat my pizza like a normal human, that I knew I even had a problem.

Lately, my FOMO has been low. 
I talked myself out of buying banana bread limited edition english muffins the other day. 
Sure I'm still thinking about them, but hey...baby steps. 

THEN...this STUPID POKEMON GO app was released on Friday. 
via

I never was a Pokemon kid. 
The Snorelax did appeal to me, as I believe we are distant relatives, but really I could care less. 
Shower me with Beanie Babies and POGS all day erry day, but I did not have the drive to "catch them all." 

However, on Friday, everyone around me was hunting for Pokemon. 
Going to various locations to gather them, posting that Pokemon were in their homes, and resting on their pets. 
So I caved.
I downloaded it. 
I got into it. 
Really into it.

Like heavily sighing when the server went down and I had to keep refreshing. 
(I mean really? The server went down? What are we pilgrims?)

But like Oprah says, sometimes you have an a-ha! moment, which makes you stop and think.

My number one gal, Barb Jones, was in town and we were shopping some serious sales. 
These two teenage girls were wandering around like they were on a safari. 
They said, "Are you sure the Pokemon is even here?" 
To which I immediately exclaimed, "IS THERE ONE HERE?"
And then the three of us were talking like there were piles of free money just waiting to be snatched up.

They told me they were going to keep looking, and that they would circle back if they found it. 
And when I thought, "My mom won't mind waiting for her 29 year old daughter to find out if those teens found a Pokemon..." I knew that I had been Kardashian'd. 
I deleted the app, and I've been clean for a full day. 
For all of you out there hunting, be brave. 
But also, please get out of my way because I'm hungry, and I don't care if the King of Pokemon himself is in the case of pastries at Starbucks, you ain't cuttin'.  

Jul 4, 2016

Don't Cry for Me ....Derrick?

Happy 4th of July! 
This week we have a rerun--because apparently there is an assumption that we all have a ton to do on the 4th of July, and wouldn't be parked in front of our televisions watching Alex try to give one of the tall guys an "up top" high five. 
So I thought, ""Hey, you sorry excuse for a blogger, why don't you do your recap from last week that's been sitting in your drafts"...and here we are.
This week the gang made a trip to Argentina. 
The guys met up with Chris, who told them this week for the first time ever, there was going to be ANOTHER 2:1 date, plus the usual schedule. 
I literally hate all of you...so much...I could cry.
Cue panic at the disco...
However the 1:1 date of the night went to Wells. 
Our little iron deficient vampire, Wells.
Is he not sleeping? Or just not eating enough red meat?
The date card implied that she wanted to "finally" kiss him. 
Wells told the guys the truth...he had not kissed Jojo yet. 
If Wells told the guys he was pregnant, they couldn't have acted more surprised. 

As they walked to their date...it was awkward. 
Ass out hug and kiss on the cheek awkward. 
From their chemistry I wasn't sure if we were going to watch them kiss or just hang by the wall at a high school dance. 
I was fine with either. 
I love The Wobble.
The date was based around performance art, where they stripped down into their underwear or jeans (if you're Wells) and hung out in a suspended slip and slide. 
Nothing says "Kiss me" like wear wet jeans and hair plastered to your face. 
But it set the mood right for them and they finally kissed. 
We all thought, "these two crazy kids might make it." 
Untillllll dinner. 
Wells said his last relationship ended because they became best friends and there wasn't any passion, which happens according to him. 
Passion fades. Friendships forever. 
"Those mashed potatoes look like a pillow."
In all fairness the passion may end for Wells because he's so effing tired all the time.
Jojo said that she felt that passion could be in a relationship forever, and it worried her that Wells would settle for white bread when there was an everything bagel out there ready to surprise him...
That analogy didn't go where I wanted it to... 
So she sent Wells back to his DJ booth. 
Look at Nashville, he's back, and ready to tell you the traffic and weather on the 8's.

The group date was next, with James, Jordan, Alex, Luke, and Robby. 
Robby, unconcerned about being on the group date because he is the self-proclaimed
"front runner" was ready to show the guys how in love they were.
He's also the worst.
The guys strolled the streets and came across a soccer game and naturally joined in. 
Most of the guys...ok really just Jordan showed off which made sweet sweet James self conscious about his dad bod. 
That is a LIGHT wash on those jeans Jordan...LIGHT.
However, when it came down to penalty kicks to see who would get to kiss Jojo, James won and got to kiss right in front of Jordan's perfect face. 

Yes. I've turned on Jordan. 
I read an article where it said he and Aaron don't speak, and if Aaron don't like ya...I don't like ya. 
This is how I rationalize things folks. 
I can't explain it. 

Later that evening, the guys hang out with Jojo. 
And while not everyone was invited to the leather jacket party, Jojo and Luke seemed ready to reenact the last scene of "Grease" if necessary. 

I'm not sure if everyone feels this way, but they are HOT together. 
And if they spent their lives in matching leather making out in front of people I think they would make a lucrative life for themselves. 
Luke is just...the best. 

James, falling into the"I'm insecure, gotta throw someone under the bus" role used his time to throw Jordan under the bus. 
According to James, during a game of poker, Jordan made a final say on the rules and was extremely entitled.
James didn't think that was the kind of guy Jojo needed. 
Some might say he was taking Jordan at FACE value.
Anyone....?
No?
Cool. 
I love James, but he's gotta cool it if he thinks talking trash is going to send someone other than him home. 
We see it every time. 

When Jordan talked to Jojo he was shocked. 
Leather...the new helicopter of the Bachelorette.
James was his "best friend" in  the house and didn't understand how that reflected his character. 
When he came back to the room it was tense
Jordan swished his wine around so hard that everyone could smell the oaky undertones. 
(I went to a wine tasting once.  That was a phrase they used.)
He confronted James who confirmed their conversation. 
The conflict ended there, and Luke ended up getting the group date rose. 
As you can see there was no mention of Robby, because he's the front runner, and had little to no air time. 

The 2nd 2:1 was last between Evil Jim Halpert (Derrick) and my second favorite, Chase. 
They learned to tango. 
Reminds you of the last dance in "Center Stage" a little, huh?
It was an awkward date to signify a struggle of who to keep. 


Evil Jim thought that he was golden because he was the front runner. 
(Who is telling them that? Who?)
During his 1:1 time with Jojo he told her she was falling for him and she basically said "Thanks."

Chase was surprised when Jojo told him that she thought she liked him more than he liked her. 
He said, "Nu uh. I like you a lot."
Which was apparently all she needed to hear because she quickly sent Evil Jim Derrick home. 

As Derrick left, Chase and Jojo made their way to the dance floor where a woman began to sing "Don't Cry for me Argentina."
Pan back to Derrick who started to refer to himself in 3rd person and cry.
The camera went from Evita to crying Derrick for SEVERAL minutes.




Chase and Jojo made out and the night ended. 
I think out of all the guys, Jojo has the best chemistry with Chase and Luke, but think she's still really intrigued by Jordan which makes me nervous because he's slimey. 

At the rose ceremony, it came down to one final rose and James and Alex standing there. 
Jojo left and told Chris Harrison she couldn't give it out. 
She came back and Chris brought in a second rose, so both men stayed. 
Alex, who whenever he wears a suit reminds me of an child applying for a bank loan, exclaimed that he was pissed because he got a pity rose. 
He wants to feel wanted. 
Apparently making sure he got a rose wasn't enough of an expression. 
He wants a 1:1 date.

As the season chugs along, who do you think is the next to go home? 
Who are your favs? 






















Jun 7, 2016

Week Two: It's Lit on the Bachelorette...

This season of the Bachelorette is what the kids call, "lit."
I can't remember a time where there was so much hostility in the second episode of the "Bachelorette." 
Just like Britney was against the music, the house is against Chad. 
It's amazing. 

Let's jump right in. 

The first date card of the week came, and ED Evan grabbed it. 
As he announced all the names, he read his and fist pumped like he was going to be freeze framed for a "Debt Free in 2016" ad. 

He bothers me. 

The group date started with a limo pulling up and then blowing up. 
Seeing as the dudes were under the impression Jojo was in said limo, it was a little concerning that only one person asked if she was in there. 

Soon after a fire truck came roaring into the driveway, where Jojo jumped out pulled out a hose and put the fire out without breaking a sweat. 

Her hair looked amazing. 
I look like I've been standing in front of a fire after carrying 2 grocery bags full of chips and a gallon of milk into the house. 
#fitness

 Jojo let the guys know that they were spicing things up....with murder. 
Just kidding, it was fire fighting test. 
They had to do several drills, and more DJ Wells almost passed out with one swing of the axe. 
He may not be able to save her, but he would play every hit that had the word "fire" in it, while giving weather and traffic on the eights, while the true professionals did the job. 

After the drills, the guys had to take everything they learned and use it to save Jojo, who was locked at the top of a building. 

Luke, our feelings cowboy war veteran, almost made it to win extra time with Jojo but the actual firefighter, Grant won. 

Luke took it pretty hard. 
But this sensitive flower flourished during his 1:1 time with Jojo. 
Sure he didn't get a rose, but still, he seemed to really connect with her. 

Other fun facts we learned during the after party: 
 *Grant the fire fighter will always tell Jojo he loves her before he leaves to go to work because he may never make it back. 
Baby he's the new romantic

 *ED Evan has 3 children. 
THREE. 

*Wells has a dog named Carl. 

The rose ended up going to Wells. 
Side note: If his Twitter handle isn't @ohwells then I don't know how the world works. 

Back at the house, we learned that Chad has baggage...
Weighted down on his person. 
As he hoisted himself up using the housing, proving to the group that he would have no problem robbing their homes via the attic, James Taylor helped all the boys write a song for Jojo. 
It wasn't annoying. 
It was actually pretty sweet. 
I'm either immune to singing, or James Taylor is the light of my life. 

I think it's safe to say he's the light of my life. 


The 1:1 date was with Derek. 
Their date was all about "choices."
They chose to go North & ended up in San Francisco.
Two men met them at the airport with destination signs.
They could choose the Golden Gate or ALCATRAZ. 
Jk...it was a Lombard Street. 
They chose the Golden Gate and had a pretty boring date. 
Alcatraz would have really kicked things up a notch, but I'm a sucker for a guided walkman tour. 

The remaining group date, was held at ESPN studios, aka where Jordan's crushed dreams were broadcast. 
Naturally he was on this date. 

The guys went through a serious of tests with Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley to determine their power rankings. 

One of the drills involved the guys telling Jojo all the reasons why they loved her, and proposing to her. 
Everyone did a pretty great job. 
Jordan promised an Aaron Rodgers Christmas. 
James Taylor spoke, which is all I need in this life. 
Chad just grabbed her butt and asked her to marry him. 
When Jojo asked why he loved her, he told her she was being, "naggy."
While most would have told him to pack his baggy, Jojo laughed it off. 
Chad said he wasn't going to lie to her about what he loved like the other guys, because he was taking this seriously. 
It's just a hunch, but I feel like if you told Chad you "got his nose" he'd punch you until you gave it back. 

Chad doesn't joke about love...
or really anything at all. 

The power rankings put Alex the Marine 3rd, Chad 2nd (for his honesty), and m'boy James #1. 

Chad wasn't pleased with his ranking at all, and broke down all the guys on the date like Janice Ian did for Regina George's Army of Skanks.

At the cocktail party, James got the group date rose, after telling Jojo he felt so lucky to know her and be considered by her, even if he wasn't "Abs McGee." 

He's perfect. 
Literally perfect. 
You know who he should marry?
Becca. 
Becca and James Taylor for President. 

The cocktail party/rose ceremony was up next. 
While all the guys sat inside, Chad sat on the stoop waiting for Jojo. 
A new move:
Butting in before the party even starts. 

As the guys reacted to Chad's wild gesture of waiting outside, Chad ventured into the kitchen to eat the amount of meat Jimmy John's goes through during lunch rush. 


The more meat he ate, the more aggressive he got. 
Meat sweats are no joke, y'all. 
Many of the guys, still appalled by his behavior, circled around him (like Care Bears, according to Chad) while he ate kabobs, to tell him they hated him. 
Kabobs: the confrontation food of choice. 
He spent the remainder of the night telling Alex the Marine, he was short and also that he would break his teeth. 
He also said that Jojo wouldn't let Alex leave yet because she didn't want America to think she hated short people. 
With a statement like that you think, "Huh. Maybe he does have a sense of humor," but then you see his dead eyes and you remember: "He's probably killed before."

While there were some cute moments from Chase, a pretty cute dude, and Luke, it was overshadowed by Pizza Hut's reason for the Meat Lovers pizza, Chad. 
(That joke was terrible.)

While there were no big shocks in who she sent home, there was a shock in someone she kept around: ED EVAN. 
She likes him for some reason and it is a mystery I can't solve. 

From the looks of the two night preview,  Chad is going to keep preparing for the date where they all fight him in an octagon. 
I'm very excited. 

What do you think?
Perfect editing of Chad? Or he's actually a creep? 
Share in the comments below! 



all images via abc.com

Jun 6, 2016

Monday's are cool again...

Boy does it feel excellent to be writing again. 
The past couple of weeks have been a little bit bananas if you're in the Jones family so my Bachelorette recaps are two weeks behind. 
But I'm back and I promise that I will be blogging the whole season this time, and not just dropping off the face of the planet. 
To be honest, I'm SO excited for this season. 
Jojo really brought it in the finale with Ben and I was so convinced that she was going to be picked, and had even started to envision my life with Ben and Jojo in it as a couple. 
I mourned Lauren's loss, and started planning the Bojo wedding, you know, gathering all of the wine bottles for Jojo's mom, creating a seating chart that put me with Ben's mom and dad.
Then all of a sudden Ben ripped her heart out, stomped on it, and rode off into the sunset with Lauren, who I now hated. 

Mix that in with a dash of "Caila is the next Bachelorette" rumors, and I was about as pleasant as a Bridezilla who's mom effed up scheduling her 8th hair run through. 

So when they announced that it was in fact Jojo who was going to be the Bachelorette, I was so incredibly pumped. 
She's such a delight, ya know? 

The season always starts with "advice" from past Bachelorettes, so Katilyn, Desiree, and Allie all showed up to give Jojo the run down. 
 Kaitlyn pretty much told her that if she sees Nick Vaill to burn her finger prints and disappear into the night. 
Desiree told her to play it cool with the ones she likes, and pay attention to the lame-o's who don't peak her interest at first.
Because of the Brookes debacle, no doubt. 
Allie's advice was to not just like people because they were hot. 
So hopefully Jojo took that one to heart....


The introductions:

This gaggle of men is pretty standard in several aspects:
1. Hair that leans a littttle to the left or a litttttle to the right
2. Want to "win"
3. Think Jojo is the prettiest person they've ever seen
4. Do push ups to establish dominance
5. Drink like fish

There are a few that stood out this first week so let's breeze through them to help tousle their hair ever so slightly, shall we?

Former NFL QB: Jordan....Rodgers.
Yes AARON RODGERS' BROTHER.
via Fox Sports
And he's hot.
I didn't even know Aaron had an equally hot brother...let alone two (google them). 
Cue Adele because "WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALLLLLLL" 

There's a Marine with a twin. 
Which is cool, unless they're identical. 
If one of them commits a crime, no one will be able to tell who did it, and it will leave a mystery unsolved forever. 
I saw it on Law & Order: SVU once.


There's the standard former pastor with 3 kids/ current Erectile Dysfunction Specialist: Evan.
If you are thinking to yourself: "Self, he looks familiar,"
It's because he looks like the guy who smells and cuts hair in "Charlie's Angels."

There's another veteran, Luke, who may also be an angel sent from heaven?
He seems very precious, but what threw me off with his intro was the fact that for the 3rd season, they have found a red barn to pose in front of...
Chris, Ben Higgins, and now Luke. 
Do the producers have a google search for these things? 
Red barns near me? 

There's Chad, who is hot, but a little bit creepy like the husband in "Sleeping with the Enemy." 
He looks into your eyes like he knows where all the crawl spaces are in your home.

Jojo, a little uncomfortable by his glare, told him that he smelled good. 
I love her so much.

Adam Levine's Evil Twin, Daniel, made his way from Canada, to grace us with a very clever and original play on the internet's "Damnnnn Daniel," with "Damnnnnn Jojo."
Later, he asked if she "got it" and if she had been "keeping up with the internet lately."


He's got game, timeliness, and the ability to execute a joke. 
He was also the first person to strip down into the pool, and poke another man's belly button.

Another stand out was James Taylor.

If you're new to the recaps, you should know something...
I hate when people sing at other people. 
It makes me so uncomfortable. 
HOWEVER, when James Taylor sang to Jojo: I was not appalled.
I felt something different...I think I felt love. 

Now when Wells, the DJ, brought out All 4 One and they sang to Jojo not once by twice, I was back to hating it. 
What was also unfortunate, was that no one knew who All 4 One was, and kept calling them, "That a cappella group."
I'm sure they'll bounce back.

A man, came dressed in a kilt.
His claim was that he was half-Chinese and half-Scottish, but mostly importantly half Scottish below the waist. 
While Jojo responded, "Thanks for throwing that out there,"
All I could think about was the time Ross learned to play the bag pipes for Monica and Chandler's wedding. 

Santa was there.
Instead of "Ho, ho, ho" he said "Jo,jo, jo."
Somehow, it wasn't the creepiest thing that's ever happened.
Plus he brought gifts. 

There was a hipster, who in classic hipster fashion, didn't know anything about the show or Jojo, or why he was even there. 

With the introductions out of the way, Jojo made her way into the house.
The men were hammered.
Like breaking into interview rooms, slurring words, hammered.
A lot of them kept saying how beautiful Jojo was, and slamming back more shots.
I'm not sure if they were held in a bunker before coming to the show, but they were acting like they'd never seen a pretty woman before.

There was some real stand out moments with Jordan and Luke.
Jordan is such a babe, and so sweet to her already that I'm really concerned he's going to be an uber villain.
Jordan ended up getting the first impression rose, and Luke ended up as my vote for Vice Presidential Candidate for 2016.

At the rose ceremony, the men were interrupted by JAKE PAVELKA.


You know the pilot sleaze ball that picked VIENNA.
Chad wasn't impressed by Jake (or the fact that he found out Santa wasn't real earlier in the evening.)

As he pulled Jojo out of the ceremony, she mentioned that Jake was a dear OLD family friend. 
She considered him a brother, and was so surprised to see him there. 
I knew in my heart that if he was there to stay, I was going to unsubscribe. 
I'll take Nick Viall over him any day. 
Ugh. He gives me the douche chills. 

Luckily he was just there to tell her that he wanted her to find love. 
Apparently, he couldn't have stopped by sooner. 
It's not like he knows how to fly a plane or anything...

The rest of the ceremony went off without a hitch. 
The rest of the season looks juicy and I'm very excited. 

What were your thoughts? 
Tell me in the comments! 


all images via abc.com