Aug 26, 2014

West Coast Blawg Post on Toast


Allie's West Coast Update: 

Tupac's turn. Sorry, I mean Allie's turn. I mean West Coast Update.

I just want you to know how seriously I'm taking this east vs. west showdown. I'm only eating Cripps apples. WESTSIIIIIIIDE. 
Disclaimer: I'm not actually promoting gang life or a Bloods vs. Crips showdown. I just love taking jokes too far. 

Let's talk about something I like to call I am a jerk and just realized I never wrote back to anyone who (bravely) submitted their weight for WiW
Yes, you read that correctly. I am a poopface and vow that I will have more timely responses and will not be a poopface moving forward. 
Please continue to email your weights to missalliewagon@gmail.com
 (we have 3 awesome ladies who have joined so far - props/kudos/shout outs to Evita, Mandy, and Brigid)! I'm tracking everyone's progress in a spreadsheet and have been using the formula:

(weight lost / previous week's weight) x 100 = % lost 

Moving right along, things are going well-ish in Allie-land as far as weight loss goes. I'm on day 9 of a Whole30. I've cheated twice - I had gorgonzola on one salad and then feta on another last weekend. Oh and I also drank my weight in wine. Sue me. My life, my rules. We had a surprise party for my friend last weekend and...at least I avoided the cake, cookies, pizza, etc. Right? RIGHT?! The good news is that I'm down 4 pounds and feeling fine. And, as Jonesy mentioned in her update, she's down 3 pounds so...GO US.


The real deal is that it's hard! It's nice to be able to be making the right food choices challenging. I've heard it all before - I didn't get fat overnight so I'm not going to lose the weight overnight. I get it. Yesterday, Jonesy and I had a very serious gchat about sour cream. I mean...what? Who does that? There might be something wrong with us. 

(PS - even watching this gif makes me want waffles)

Overall, full steam ahead. Stay tuned.

Now I'm interested in your input. If you feel like answering, holla back y'all. To the fellow ladies/gents who may be dealing with weight issues (or even those who aren't) - how do you feel about the#LoseHateNotWeight body acceptance movement making its rounds on the interwebs? I want real and honest answers! 

Tupac out. 
<>

Aug 21, 2014

Worst BIP Recapper Ever

Last week, I had half a post done, and then got distracted and never went back to it. 
This week I missed the first 14 mins and didn't have time to catch up. 
So I'm going to give the recap of 1hr and 46 mins that I was able to watch. 
And then I'll think about what I did and be better next week. 

When I tuned in, Elise had been given a date card for her first 1:1 date. 
Ashlee was fuming as she stirred her witches cauldron, because she deserved to go on a date with Graham. 
Lacey, an old pro and officially a common law wife of Robert in Bachelor standards, said that Ashlee was being terrible. 
Lacey enjoyed all of the time she was spending with Marcus, and Ashlee should learn to cherish that as well. 
Old couples have the best wisdom to give. 

At some point Danielle showed up asked Marquel on a date. 
Marquel moon walked and it was a pretty lame time. 

Meanwhile back at the house, Elise asks Chris to on a date with her, because he signifies hope. 
To Chris, Elise signifies a smokin' hot body. 
On his way back to the house, or in the ocean, or climbing out of his douche castle, Chris blows out his knee.
And then only talks about how bad his knee hurts for the rest of the episode. 

During the date Elise talks at him, about how he is her prince charming and how he will be blessed for being so good to her. 
Chris said that she talked a lot but essentially was ready to get it in. 
I believe his words were "I'm ready to get down and dirty." 

In the pool they make out while he yells about his knee. 
It immediately reminded me of the "lovahs" from SNL. 


I was waiting for Chris to yell out, 
"OW MY BACK."

The next day they go to the hospital and Elise goes on another long monologue about how Chris's pain is the reason she came to Paradise and how badly she wanted to be a care taker for him. 
Chris essentially ignores her as she gets him ice and water. 
Fantastic Sarah tries to talk Elise out of buying a wedding dress on ebay, but Elise pushes back and says that she's ready to be hurt. 
I don't know if she is a robot or if she ate a lot of paint as a child, but she dumb y'all. 
Real dumb. 

Meanwhile Michelle is trying to convince us that she has a real connection with Robert. 
A DIAL UP CONNECTION. 
Ha. 
Get it. 
Because it's lame, and doesn't work?
No?

She and Clare plan a double date, that was actually zero percent cool. 
Sarah (my favorite) was left in the house, upset because she felt like she made it pretty clear she liked Robert. 
Then she cried, and thought that Robert was too good looking for her, which made me want to start crying because she's the most normal and great. 
I got a soft spot for lack of confidence.

Michelle really laid it on thick, and let Robert know that he was her type of guy.
To be honest I think her only requirement is breathing.

As everyone was hanging out on the beach someone began to walk towards the bonfire.
My initial thought was: "Duh, Little Mermaid."
My next thought: "It's the start of a swarm of Graham's rescue team to save him from Ashlee."
My last thought: "Oh it's Jackie from Sean's season."

She arrived with a date card and asked Marquel if he would go with her.
He immediately said yes, and Michelle became a fire monster.

According to her, CLEARLY Marquel was there to seek out every opportunity and find a relationship.
Sure that's one way to look at it, but maybe he's not trying to settle and exploring people who seem to be interested in him.
I think that's called dating?

I did feel kind of bad for Danielle because she felt like she had an amazing time with Marquel.
That probably does suck, but it didn't really seem like he was that into her from the beginning.
I don't hate the game he's running, but that could just be because I love him so much.
Ya know because we're bffs and all.

During his date with Jackie, I thought it was one of the more entertaining and natural ones of them all.
She seemed funny and wasn't just telling him how much she liked him from the tv show she watched.
I dig them.
They make sense.

Back at the crazy hut, Ashlee asked Graham to go on a date with her.
Not long before that we were treated to a special scene where he confessed how terrified he was of Ashlee to Michelle.
While Ashlee expressed how "hot" her and Graham's babies would be.
Can babies be hot?
Like has anyone ever seen a hot baby?
I'm gonna go with probably not.
Cute?
Yes.
Hot?
No.
Beyonce is hot.
Blue Ivy is not.
She also said that she couldn't wait for Graham to meet her dad.

During their date (in the same location as Chris and Elise's night of passion) Ashlee wore a long tight tank top and wedges.
Oh I'm sorry, this just in, what she was wearing was considered "a dress."

She told the camera that she was gonna get what she wanted and that something was Graham.
She said that he was everything she wanted in a man, and he was ELEGANT.
The words, "I follow your social media accounts," was her response to why she liked him so much.
If that's an appropriate answer in telling someone why you like them, then I should have Adam Levine, Justin Timberlake, Sean Lowe, and Farmer Chris as my brother husbands.

She also said, she didn't care if he wanted to sleep in two rooms or not, she was going to have her man.
Because ya know, she's a free spirit.
I guess, free spirit is what we're calling "bunny boiler" these days.
via
During the rose ceremony Michelle tried to prove so hard to Robert that she was the one for him, while Chris B. was carried into the living room like Regina George.
via

Ultimately here's how the roses went:

Marquel to Jackie
(Danielle was then heard calling paradise, Marq-hell, which was funny but untrue.)
Robert to Sarah
(Hell yes.)
Graham to Ashlee
(While he mouth "help me" to Chris Harrison.)
Marcus to Lacey
(Barf)
Zach to Clare
(Boring)
And Chris B to.....Elise? Kind of?

So here's what happened.
Chris told Elise that he really liked her but couldn't give her the rose because he was going home.
However,  there was a twist, he wanted her to come back to Chicago with him.
She accepted, and everyone was confused.
My theory was that he needed someone to carry his bags for him in the airport.

He then told Michelle that she deserved to find love, and gave her the rose so she would be able to stay.
Michelle then cried for what seemed like a year, and said what Chris did was the nicest, most amazing thing that has ever happened to her.
Fact check: She has a kid right?
Shouldn't that be like, I don't know, number 1ish on that list?

Next week more people arrive and it looks like the crazy clash finally happens when Clare is pushed to far by Ashlee.
I think Ashlee runs into the jungle, but what I am pumped for the most is:
THE RACCOON IS BACK BABAY!

What are your thoughts so far?
Who's your favorite couple?
Do you think they'll start breaking up soon?

Aug 12, 2014

East Coast Update

Today I was offered a Cinnabon and turned it down. 
  
I'll be in a bikini by Labor Day for making that sacrifice....
Right?

In all honesty since posting a couple people have reached out about their own struggles in weight loss and it has been hella helpful. 

Mainly because I'm tip toeing around any formal diet plan right now. 
I feel like I get so obsessed or overanalyze everything I do when I'm on a formal diet. 
Maybe that's just an excuse I tell myself to not fully commit, but so far I'm down 3 whole pounds. 

I'm light as a feather. 


In all seriousness, I've been trying to be more conscious of what I'm doing.
I try not to eat 3 square Thanksgiving sized meals a day, but I also recognize that I haven't been to the grocery store in forever which means I don't have as much control as I would like.
The vending machine outside my office is not filled with snap peas and hummus/pretzel thin packs.
I also find myself anxious to cook new foods.
I'm the queen of taco night errrry night but luckily, Allie sent me a bunch of cool recipes.

Yeah that's right, Allie is helping me.
We may be in a "competition" but mainly it's cool to know that I have someone to email about what I'm feeling about jank.

She also signs her emails to me,
"From Heaven,
Tupac"
So that's the definite best.

She also recommended that I read "It Starts With Food."
I'm going to check it out.
Hopefully I'll be able to stay entertained, without pictures of "who wore it best," but I'm sure I'll manage.

I do feel better most days.
Sometimes I do feel guilty if I eat ice cream, or pizza.
Like you all will see me in the streets and throw tomato sauce on me like PETA does with red paint to people wearing fur.
But from your emails that I've gotten and have loved remind me, that it's not going to be easy.
It's a process.
It takes time.
It sucks.
But it's worth it, and that I can do it.

Keep those emails coming, and if you feel so compelled, let me know if you want to write a guest post.
Just know that I take forever to write back.
And babble A LOT.

I think sharing about struggling in general can help build people up and to blast them out of their grump tunnels, or snap them out of their frito hallucinations.
I know this post is becoming a little cheesey (delish) so I'll end by saying,

Thanks for being great.
Thanks for reading this blog.
Thanks for letting this be an outlet.
And most importantly,
Thanks for trusting me with your stories.

Aug 6, 2014

Rachel Raycoon Live


When I said I would watch "Bachelor in Paradise," I thought it was going to be a cheap substitute until they announced the next Bachelor.
And it is. 
But it is so so so fantastic. 
It is the trashy television dreams are made of and I'm 100% invested. 

We were greeted in paradise by a Chris Harrison who has decided to use this opportunity to wear a mint suit. 
 Clare was the first to arrive and man was she crazy as ever.
Marcus was next and although he was still heart broken over Andi, he was pumped about the ample space on the island to hide the bodies of lovers who scorned him.
There's so many places to hide here....I mean it's great, yeah, love. Woop woop.
 One armed Sarah is back.
She talked about having one arm 2 seconds into her introduction. 
It's good to see something remain the same.
 I'm actually really excited she's on this season, because she seems like a super fun lady. 
I say that purely from the information I've gathered via Twitter. 
One time she tweeted that she loved anything buffalo flavored. 
That's a gal that deserves only the best in life.

My main dude Marquel showed up looking delightful as ever. 

Daniella from Sean's season and a guy named Graham arrived.

I have no idea who he is but apparently amongst the Bachelor/Bachelorette folks he is a hot commodity. 

 ABC's first attempt at Bachelor Barbie was proved a success when Lacey showed up. 
 I couldn't remember when she went home on Juan Pablo's season but apparently it was early because Clare also had no recollection of who she was. 

Evil Ben appeared in a cloud of smoke. 
I'm half expecting his son to be living in a tree house somewhere, for him to use if he was feeling really desperate for attention.
Fingers crossed.

Then there was Michelle from Jake's season. 
I vaguely remember her leaving in a huff during a group date, and being extremely uncomfortable to watch. 

When Dylan walked toward the house, Marquel ran to greet him and jumped in his arms. 
So I'm immediately rooting for them as a couple, because it was adorable. 

Elise slide down the stairs like my niece did when she was 1, because stairs in heels are hard. 
 I have a feeling math, remembering to brush her teeth, and how to open a Capri Sun is a challenge as well.

Ashlee descended on Mexico with her eyes turned all the way up to crazy.
As she walked towards the house she said that she was hoping that Graham was there specifically. 
So naturally I began to fear for Graham's life. 

 Minty Fresh Harrison came to explain that each week there would be a rose ceremony. 
Currently there were more boys than girls so it would be a male week to give out the roses. 
But the ladies should have no fear, because next week they were to be in control of the floral arrangements. 

With that Chris said that if you weren't apart of a couple, you would be at risk to go home. 
Lacey took that information very seriously and immediately hopped in the water with Robert or as I called him Gale from Emily's season.
"hey i just met you, and my name's lacey. i'm really desperate. let's make a baby." 

Is it just me or do you also assume that anytime a couple is the water they are doing some kind of something?

Later in the evening, Marcus, not getting the attention he was hoping for, wandered into the ocean to mourn his relationship with Andi...
In his orange boxer briefs. 
Because: Mexico.
 Seeing Marcus in his vulnerable state, Lacey decided she also liked him. 
Meanwhile Gale stated that he's liked Lacey from the moment he met her. 
So for anyone else trying to do the math: a whole 8 hours. 

The following day Ashlee informed us that she had been following Graham on social media...and around his house, for awhile and felt like they were meant to be together. 
 They took a walk, and she told him no less than 3 times how glad she was that he was there. 
His response: Thank you. 
Cupid's Arrow is lodged into Graham y'all.

Ashlee said she was trying to play it cool around him and 
"be flirty and cute, and not love all over him," but didn't want to see too enthusiastic. 
Nailed it, girl. Nailed it. 

Back at the hut, Clare received the first date card. 
She decided to ask Graham on the first date, and Ashlee took things really well. 
 She got up. 
Started crying. 
Called Clare a slut. 
 Went into her room and started talking to, who, you may ask?
Oh, just herself. 
She said things like,
"I can't even trust him for 24 hours." 
"I'm the only other normal one here besides him."
and:

 Daniella said it best:
If Ashlee things someone is semi-cool, she thinks they're going to get married. 
She also mentioned that if she was thinking about Graham, she wasn't anymore, because she didn't want to get murdered in her sleep. 

Meanwhile out on the porch, Rachel Raycoon, sensed an in depth interview opportunity and made her way to the steps to talk to Clare. 
"hey girl, why you so sad?"
"i didn't even know she liked him! i'm not trying to start drama!"
"ooo girl that's rough. you know she's crazy."

"i'm not trying to make enemies! why didn't she just tell me she liked him!" 
"i don't know girl. that's bananas. hey, i just remembered i'm nocturnal and afraid of ashlee so imma go. good luck."
 Y'ALL CLARE HAD A CONVERSATION WITH A RACCOON.
LIKE YELLING TO A RACCOON ABOUT ASHLEE.
ON THE FRONT PORCH OF THEIR HOUSE.
I'M DEAD.
dead. 
This is me as a ghost in heaven typing a blog post. 

Clare, fully refreshed and empowered after her conversation with the raccoon decided to ask Ashlee to talk.
Ashlee used her witch craft to not only have Clare cancel her date with Graham but also give her the master bedroom, Clare asked Gale to go on a date with her instead. 

 Graham, wearing his best pooka shells was very confused as to why Ashlee was upset.

When he attempted to reach out to her, she said that she wasn't ready, and would talk to him another time. 
Totally normal behavior for a 33 year old woman.

 Clare went on her date to the ruins, which some might says was already RUINED by Ashlee.

 It was boring and everyone snored. 


Marcus, still devastated about Andi, took himself back to the ocean where he hoped the tides would float him to the new love of his life via boogie board.

 Instead Lacey went out there and tried to make it really apparent she was here to party.
Or she was confused that the men on the island were like Pokemon and she needed to catch them all.
Sarah got the second date card and asked Marcus.
She rocked a killer one piece, and really tried to be forward in how she felt, without being well...Lacey about it. 

 The date was also lame, because all Marcus talked about in the interviews was Lacey. 
After the date it was pretty clear that Marcus sucked big time and that Sarah was pretty presh. 
I just wish she would stop making herself seem like Josie Grossie. 
She's so nice and sweet. 
She needs to own it. 

At some point Lacey and Gale went on a date and it seemed like a sure thing that they were going to be coupled up.

Later, as Marquel and Dylan tried to convince Marcus he didn't have a shot with Lace face, another lady arrived. 

Michelle from Brad's season. 
I don't know that season, but I do know that I don't hate her. 
She helped us out with the Bachelor fiasco during the finale so she is a friend of mine. 
 And also a real good friend to Graham. 

Which created a fire in Ashlee's eyes yet again. 
The next day she decided to pull Graham aside and finally talk to him about his unforgivable sin.

 She apologized for how she acted and wanted him to know that she was still interested. 
Graham, not wanting to create a situation where Ursula Ashlee dragged him back into the sea with her eels and potions, said it was OK, but that he thrived on communication. 

Michelle and Marquel went on a date, which was sweet. 
I dig them as a couple. 

After all of that, it was finally time for the cocktail party and rose ceremony. 
During the cocktail party there was a thunderstorm that I'm assuming Ashlee summoned with her hatred for any woman who thought about Graham or graham crackers for that matter. 

During the rose ceremony, Ben knew he didn't have a great connection with anyone and that his vote was a wildcard. 
He talked to a couple different people, but told Sarah that he really felt like she deserved to be there. 


Unsure of where she stood, Sarah asked Marcus what he was thinking. 
He said that she was cool, and that she should be there but he had feelings for Lacey. 

He said that he would like to give Lacey the rose, but was probably going to give it to Sarah. 
Sarah felt better about that, and went on about her evening. 

Clare was talking to people about how she was calling Mexico, Claradise.

Lacey told us that she was 80/40 about her feelings for Marcus and Gale.

Ben was getting drunk. 

And then the clink of the glass let us know it was time to begin. 

Michelle excused herself from the show, because she didn't have a connection with anyone.
Also because she knew she was going home. 
 Apparently we learn more about why she really left next week, and I'm so excited. 
And disgusted with myself, because I'm excited. 

Marquel picked the other Michelle. 
Graham picked Ashlee (or else)
Dylan picked Elise

Then Marcus was up and HE PICKED LACEY.
Even though he told Sarah she was a sure thing. 

And after everyone told him Gale was going to give Laceface the rose! 
What an a--hole. 
I literally gasped and said, 
"Poor Sarah." 

Gale ended up giving Claradise the rose.

Which left Ben. 
He seemed to be vibing off Daniella, so I was convinced that he too was going to leave Sarah in the dust. 
But he didn't! 
He totally gave Sarah the rose!!!!
Who knew he had it in him to not be the worst?

The best part is that next week looks even better. 
There are so many people and so many dates, I'm going to have to do a better job of explaining them so they aren't a jumbled mess, but boy do I love this incarnation of the Bachelor.

What were your thoughts? 
Did that raccoon have rabies?
Did it give Claradise good advice?
Is Marcus the sleaziest person alive?


[all images courtesy of ABC]

Jul 30, 2014

Finally...I mean Finale...


Well folks we made it through another season. 
Let's all pat ourselves on the back, and hope that we are rewarded with a certain Bachelor.
You know the one.
Hot.
Farmer.
(More on him later.)

Chris Harrison informed us that we were in for a THREE hour ride. 
I wasn't quite sure I was hydrated enough for that journey, but I was going to just have to risk pulling a hammy.
He told us that we were in for a dramatic night.
The man Andi didn't pick had been trying to get in touch with her while she was vacationing in Mexico and at the Men Tell All, and she wanted none of it. 
Then said, "She can't run now." 
So we all knew we were about to be uncomfortable. 

Nick was the first to meet Andi's parents. 
Clearly he was super into it. 
All serial killers men kiss with their eyes open.
Nick was nervous.
Which Andi loved, and called him out for. 
Because nothing says "Let's make this easy for you" better than showcasing your potential husband's dry mouth and anxiety.

Nick also said he felt like the meeting wasn't going well, which kind of confused me because I thought it was fine. 
Bland like a plain spaghetti noodle...but fine. 

Nick spent time with Andi's mom. 
He kept telling her that Andi was IT for him, and that he loved her like he's never loved anyone before. 
Eventually Andi's mom told him to knock that shit off stop because she was going to cry.
If I blink long enough, he'll disappear. 

Between him talking to Andi's mom, and Andi talking to her sister it was determined that if they had a child its first word would be "like."

The date was so boring, and so obviously lame. 

Nick asked Hy for his permission, 
and he said "LOL sure." 
When it was time for him to say goodbye Nick was convinced he was it.
The jam on the toast.
The whole shabang. 
Everything she wanted and more.
The salt to her pepper
The bread to her butter. 
The salsa to her chip.
I'm hungry. 

Nick said that he could tell how excited she was to see him again.
Really I think she was just pumped to look great in a backless dress.

If I was wearing that dress, it would like a Sharpei's face was busting out of the back. 

Up next was Josh.
Andi prefaced his arrival by saying that he was her type and a former athlete.
Which put everyone on high alert.
I'm not sure if she dated a football player that spiked her into the ground, but athlete is a dirty word to the Dorfmans.

He showed up loud and in true Josh fashion "super nervous."
Like super sweaty, which is a thing I too suffer from.

Mrs. Dorfman was not all about it.
She called him "boisterous and very chaotic." 
If sweating a lot and talking loud is chaotic then she does not want to see me at any bbq or outdoor summer event: 
"Hi, I'm Ashley, so nice to meet you. I'm so sorry I sweated into your pasta salad, but it was truly delish. Thanks for the invite that I'll never receive again!" 
"She will never play mahjong with my friends."

Throughout the date they asked him a lot of athlete and relationship questions.
What sport did he play?
Had he been in a serious relationship?
Did he even lift, bro? 

During their date they held hands and showed emotion which was nice.
Josh also asked for Hy's blessing, and you could tell the difference in his response. 
I also think he knew that he could get a lot of free sports swag should he become his son in law. 
What could Nick get him?
A sharp set of knives? 

Side note: Did anyone notice how much Andi's sister and brother in law touched each other? 
Never let go. Ever. Or else.
We get it.
You're together.

The last date with Josh happened on a boat, that held some significance.
I stopped listening to her explanation because I was so distracted by Josh's loud kissing noises. 
He always says, "MWAH!" after every kiss.
As my friend Natalie said, 
Do less Josh. 
Do less. 

Andi seemed really nervous because she felt like Josh was too good to be true.
He told her he was ready to be with only her, and then they pulled a "if you jump, i jump" Titanic move, and bingo bango they're in the water. 
Then they made out because nothing says romance like treading water and kissing.
He did look really adorable in that snorkle.

Later Josh showed Andi his room, after doing what can only be described as heavy calisthenics from the heavy mouth breathing he was doing.

He had a gift for her, a personalized baseball card.
It was the cheesiest of all the cheese but actually very sweet.
He added a gross adorable fact that her "husband Josh has never missed a day saying I love you..."
So whatever.
Love is nice.


I'm going to be real honest.
I have never been so bored on a last date during a finale in my life.
Even on Juan Pablo's season there was some drama, but Nick was a SNOOZE.
He said that Andi made him feel alive,
which I'm assuming he needed to keep saying since the feeling was new, as he is dead inside.
This is your new prison....I mean my room, come in and enjoy.
He was curious if Josh was still in the picture, but didn't really care because he knew it was him. 
He was rambling and then gave her a necklace that had a vial of his blood sand from the beach where they had a date.
Compared to a baseball card: lame.

Andi asks Nick to tell him what a day would be like in Chicago.
He said, he'd wake up, go to work, kidnap a runner at lunch, text her he loves her, and then make out when he got home. 
Solid life. 

Nick kept saying that Andi was giving him all the right signs that he was the one. 
If you recap the conversation, she says "It's going to be alright." 
To me that doesn't mean to cue this.

He said that he knew in his gut that he was the one she was going to chose. 
(Crickets chirp.)

The next day everyone is either pantless or shirtless and pondering the big day. 


Neil Lane shows up to Josh's door and he picks out a ring.
Then there's a knock at Picnic Nick's door and you think: Neil Lane?
NOPE.
Andi.

Cut to the live audience, and who is the first person they talk to? 
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SOMEONE BUTTON UP A JACKET IN A HOTTER FASHION?
They asked him what he thought Nick was going through, and I know he said something but I was too distracted by his perfect face to really be sure. 

Then some trollop interrupted
and I was like what do you want?!
And then she asked who the next Bachelor was going to be and then Chris Harrison touched CHRIS'S SHOULDER HINTING THAT IT WAS GOING TO BE HIM.

And then I physically passed away. 
This is a hologram typing from the Heavens because I died. 

Dead. I am dead.

Back to the show.
Andi showed up and Nick knew his murder plot had been foiled.
When someone starts a conversation with, "You said the last time you got engaged," you know it's not going to end well. 
She said that she didn't feel like she was in love with him.

Then Nick asked her if it was someone else.
Um. 
Yep.
Thats exactly what it is.
He said that he felt like a fool, and that when she said "I wish I could say things back," he took that as she wanted to say I love you. 
Maybe she wanted to say "Thanks but no thanks" but she can't send 2 people in the top 3 home early. 
That ruins production.

He said that she asked him to trust her and he did, and she took things too far. 
Look I'm not Andi's number one fan, but she really did him a solid but not letting him pick out the ring. 

Naturally it started to rain, and everyone cried.

So that left Josh.
He showed up in a suit that was real tight.
I mean to the point where we all could see his dumps like a truck, truck, thighs like what, what, what. 


He talked a lot. 
I got really bored. 
I think he said, 
"I used to love the baseball diamond, but now I want to give a diamond to the girl I love." 
Or something to that effect.
Then he said, "Will you marry me with this free ring?"
She said yes and then they basically had a "no you hang up first" battle of who loved each other more.
I couldn't capture the amount of sweat pouring off of Josh but believe it can be best captured by his matted hair seen here: 

Then they sat on the dock with this oddly placed vase and lived happily ever after.

Cut to After the Rose where things got DICEY.

Chris Harrison said that Nick was devastated, more than they've ever seen before.
They did a recap of where he was now and how much he and his mom cried. 
They showed him at the Men Tell All dropping off the long ass note he wrote her which can be found here.

Then he comes out and talks about how upset he was and how all he wants to do is talk to her. 
He's had MONTHS to think about this, and as soon as she comes out he says nothing. 
And the dry mouth. 
Holy S. 
The dry mouth. 
It was like he drank bleach from  the bleachable moment commercials. 

Then he did something real rude. 
He said, 
"If you didn't love me then why did you make love with me." 


Skeeeeeeeeert. 
That's when it hit me. 
He didn't give one f if he ended up with Andi but he did want to save face. 
So why not play the wounded puppy, and shame her on national television for sleeping with him.
Not cool player. 
Not cool. 

Overall I thought Andi handled it well. 
I felt super bad for her though because Nick clearly took things too far. 

Josh came out and they looked super happy. 

Brookes Forrester from Desiree's season on the other hand....not so much.

Finally they brought out Andi's twin, Grumpy Cat.
Andi didn't know who, Grumpy Cat was which personally offended me but I got over it. 


All in all it was a good finale. 
Nick is a jerk. 
They didn't announce anything big.
But still a satisfactory ending. 

If you read Chris Harrison's blog, you'll read that there are heated debates going on for who the next Bachelor should be. 
I don't know what's so heated about it.
There's clearly one option and one option only.