Jan 9, 2019

New Year, New Bachelor, Same Rage about that Bachelor

New Year, New Bachelor.
Same heart full of rage that it's Colton.
I was feeling some type of way about the whole franchise as 2019 approached.
Shawn B and Kaitlyn broke up and I was like, "What's the meaning of life?"
Peter apparently went on a date with Nikki Bella from the WWE and even though it was bologna, it made me mad, because I've been to Wrestlemania.
Which is the same as being a very fit, pretty WWE Superstar.
It could have been me.

I was over it.

However, Jared and Ashley's full on love story reminded me that I couldn't quit this franchise.

So I decided to give it a shot and see what ole Not Peter...I mean Colton was up to this season.

For this premiere, it was a three hour event.
There were watch parties across America with surprise Bachelor cast appearances that filled up a good solid hour.
I couldn't bring myself to watch any of them because of a very real condition I have called, "second hand embarrassment."

What happened for the rest of the episode was about 30 women saying they were glad it was Colton, but also they were so nervous because he was a virgin who can't drive.
(J/K about the driving part, but I can't just can't pass up a reference to "Clueless." )

They talked about his virginity like it was a tail or tiny gill that he had on his neck, that they were brave enough to look past.
In all honesty, that's the kind of content I'm here for, but ABC has stopped taking my calls, so....?

Colton was introduced the proper "Bachelor" way, by showering and working out shirtless.
He said he was the chunky, awkward, fat kid growing up and until he found football, he never fit in.
This little revelation warmed my cold heart a LITTLE bit towards him...but only a little.

Chris sat down with him to talk about what he was looking for out of the experience.
Colton said that he read all of the things that people said about him not being deserving (sorry bro) and how people made fun of him for being a virgin.
He said that people think that because he's a virgin he's not romantic.
Chris quickly interjected and said, "Or that you're not a man."
I literally gasped.
Chris Harrison is not here to play, y'all.

The first woman to be introduced was Miss. Alabama, Hannah.
Her fun fact was that she had only kissed four boys but wasn't a virgin.
Weird flex, but ok.

Heather introduced herself as "never been kissed."
Kinda wished her name was Josie to really complete the whole late 90's rom com nod, but again, Chris Harrison no longer appreciates my "feedback."

Heather also met Colton before at an event and has a framed picture of him in her home.
She can't wait to date him and for them to fall in love with each other.
I can't be sure but that might be the plot of "Swimfan."

I can't stop making references to 90's and 2000's movies.
My apologies.

A quick side note:
Have you ever noticed the angles the women sit on random rocks and benches during their intro videos?
They also look like they're Ariel singing about being where the people are. 

I tried to mimic those poses on my couch and confirmed that there will never be a time I look flattering on a rock, nor will I ever be able to replicate this pose for my 2019 Holiday card. 

Thank you for being with me during this trying time. 

Demi was introduced as a southern girl who was raised right by her grandparents.
During her intro, she  got a call from a correctional facility, where she introduced her mom.
She was being incarcerated for embezzlement and was "getting out soon."
Hopefully we get updates about her throughout the season because if there's one thing I love more than a dating show, it's a show about jail. 
Which is why I also watch "Love After Lock Up." 

Demi said that she was concerned that Colton may not know what kind of cupcake he likes, but she was the funfetti kind. 
Not only did she tease us with an extremely interested back story she also ruined cupcakes for us. 

When she met Colton for the first time she told him that she hadn't dated a virgin since she was twelve. 

The references continued.
A girl took his "V" card. 
Another one popped a cherry balloon, which Colton thought was an apple. 

Then there was....

A sloth. 

She heard that Colton liked to take things sloooooow.
Let me tell you. 
That girl committed to her role.
At one point she was up in a tree. 
Gotta say, I loved it. 

One woman showed up with a fake Australian accent.
Colton was way into it, and she didn't seem like she was thinking about letting it go any time soon. 
Can't wait for that to unfold. 

Catherine, a DJ, arrived with her ten year old dog Lucy. 

She said that the dog was going to live Colton now, and tbh Lucy was like "Bye Girl." 

As the night went on and everyone was inside Catherine was hell bent on spending as much time with Lucy's new dad as possible. 
She said she wasn't used to fighting for someone's attention.
Probably because dudes always bring her whatever she wants to her DJ booth while she's dropping sick beats. 
So it's understandable why this environment is challenging for her. 
She interrupts not once,
not twice,
but three times, 
before one of the women, Onyeka, decided to cut in and say that she was being terrible. 
Onyeka told her that she looked desperate. 
Catherine said she appreciated the feedback and Onyeka thought everything was cool.
But then 2 minutes later, Catherine interrupted someone for the FOURTH time. 

Based on the previews, she's not a fan favorite with the house.
Can't wait. 

There was a speech pathologist who was very sweet and another Hannah who ended up with the first impression rose. 
So far, those are my favs. 

During the rose ceremony many blonde women were upset about their chances.
One of them was dressed as Cinderella, and when she didn't get a rose, they zoomed in on a pumpkin.
Award winning production. 

Other women were upset because they didn't get chosen or because they filmed the first episode until noon pm of the next day. 

That girl isn't rolling her eyes. She's looking at the whole sun, as it has risen.

I'm all for finding my soulmate, but if it takes more than 2-3 hours, count me out. 
Less pizza to share. 

This season looks a little bananas. 
Several of the women seem a little more extra than usual so I'm hoping it stays interesting for awhile.
It looks like Colton even makes a run for it.

What did I miss? 
Who are you rooting for? 

Sep 4, 2018

Breaking News When it Breaks....

I thought it was important to dust the...dust off the ole' blog given today's announcement from ABC.

ABC traditional stands for America's Broadcast Channel but to me it's an abbreviation for Ashley's Been Cussing because I have ever since they've made their latest announcement.

The next Bachelor is...



Some of you may be like, "Jones, it's what America wanted. It didn't work out with Tia and this is just what's meant to happen." 

Oh...America wanted this? 
Did they? 


TV Guide didn't even have him as an option!!!!!!!!!

Grocery Joe, who was voted off NIGHT ONE nearly edged him out. 

What's the plot twist this season going to be? 
Maybe Arie will leave Lauren and then race Colton for the ability to hand out roses. 
Tia for sure isn't coming back, but you know they're going to run that story line into the ground. 

Sure, yes, he adopts senior dogs and has a charity, and is a human person with feelings and emotion.
He is also boring. 
I'd rather watch groceries at Joe's store expire than watch Colton for MONTHS.

He's such a lame pick. 

You know who's not a lame pick?  

Yeah that's right I said it. 
Can I turn the page? 
Has he been on any show this franchise offers since his heart was broken 2 summers ago? 
Have I tweeted him several times a month since then with no response since then? 

Will I stop doing that?
Eh probably not. 
I'm 31 and single and writing a blog about how I'm irritated, a man, I've never met, will date women, I do not know, for several months on my television. 
I've got time. 

What are your thoughts? 

Who would you have liked to see be the Bachelor? 

Are you going to (rage) watch this season? 

Jun 7, 2018

Gathering Granola

Hello Everyone! 
This week I ate an acai smoothie bowl, so I'll be changing this to a fitness and health blog soon.
In the meantime, while I'm gathering granola, which is actually what the new blog will be called, let's just do a quick recap of this week's "Bachelorette." 

The show starts with Becca (looking a little shaky) on a bike, riding through town.
In the meantime the guys did the traditional, stand on the balcony and scream the woman's name bit. 
Is it because she can hear them from her house? 
Are they really into getting noise violations? 
Are the locked out on the balcony and need to be let in? 

The group date was first. 
The men thought they were being treated to tuxes and shoes and champagne. 
It is revealed that Lincoln is built like a brick house, which made him calling Becca a beautiful princess a little less creepy...but only by a little. 

Becca was all of us when she didn't know what to do with a room of shirtless men. 
My glasses would have fogged up and I would have passed out, but she managed to stay fully coherent. 

The model made sure to let everyone know that if it was a date where they had to well...model he was going to win. 
Because, you know as far as being in clothes and being comfortable goes, no one was going to beat him. 

He told Becca the secret to being a model was to put your confidence on first.  

You know who's a model and doesn't give you douche chills...

Speaking of the person who broke my heart, Rachel was outside with Bryan waiting for the guys to participate in an obstacle course for Becca's heart. 

I remember you and will never forgive you. 

Rachel told them that for part of the course they weren't allowed to use their hands but were supposed to show "what that mouth do." 
Hilarious, Rachel. Thank you...for your edgy comedy. 

Will.Never. Forgive.You.

Lincoln after cheating during the ice bath, poses with Becca as if they're a married couple, but if the groom had a series of misfortune getting to the altar, but at the end of the day made it because, love. 

Lincoln takes the picture to the after party and places it prominently on the table for all the dudes to witness. 
He then steals Becca first which makes everyone even angrier. 
After kissing her, he stated that it was like, "flying to the moon on the wings of a pegasus while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold." 
Logistically I don't know how that would work, but hey, good for him. 

Lincoln continued to brag about the picture and Connor just couldn't take it anymore. 
He took it and flung it into the pool, breaking glass, and making Lincoln feel threatened and sad. 

He wanted to show that picture to his mom. 
Now he couldn't. 

Seeming to care very little for the drama, Becca said she had to think about everything, and let Connor know she wasn't happy. 

Meanwhile Jean Blanc out of nowhere, slid in and made quite the impression on ya girl, I mean Becca. 

The model tried to sell people on Lincoln and others having ingenuinity throughout the episode. 
I couldn't roll my eyes hard enough. 
He either doesn't know he's an idiot or he's trying to play dumb. 
I can't figure it out but I'm annoyed either way. 

Jean Blanc is now in my top three along with Clay and Blake.
Blake got the 1:1 date. 
He has a very Nathan Scott from "One Tree Hill" vibe, and I'm 1000% here for it. 

They pull up to an abandoned warehouse where Chris Harrison is standing with a sledge hammer. 
That either meant he's finally had enough with this damn journey, or Blake and Becca were going to f some s up. 

Walking into the warehouse, there was a ton of stuff that related back to Becca's relationship with Arie. 
He's still getting a lot of run time for someone I've intentionally told via twitter, I no longer want to see on my television. 

Chris told the two crazy kids, that they would be destroying everything that was left of Becca's last relationship. Including the couch that he broke up with her on. 
Also, Lil' Jon was there. 

Destroying Arie's things and Lil' Jon made this the best date, I didn't go on. 

During the dinner date Blake told Becca is break up story, and they continued to get along really well. 

Becca seems really into him so fingers crossed he sticks around. 
If the extensive make out sesh is any indication, it looks like he will. 

The final group date was a dodgeball game which I feel like we've seen quite a bit. 
It was fine. 
Later at the after party, Colton said he was nervous because he had something to tell Becca. 
Normally that means you have a kid, you're a virgin, you've been to jail, you have a tail, you were married before, you have a sibling who's really into renaissance festivals,  etc. etc. 
So, whatever, I was prepared. 

This man, who baited me with his senior dog: 

told Becca that he had recently been in a relationship with Tia, her friend, from the previous season. 
Who is also best friends with Raven. 
In January...around the time that the show was premiering with both of them on it...
He said the timing wasn't right then...but he felt like it was right with Becca now. 
How convenient for him.

 She told him that it was a tricky situation and she wasn't sure what she was going to do. 
She needed time to think. 
Colton was nervous about what that meant for him and whether or not he would get a rose. 

At the cocktail party that night she hung out with a bunch of dudes. 

Clay, the nerdy football player, is who I want to marry. 
So if she doesn't pick him...you know...I'll just tweet him a bunch I guess. 

He just seems so kind. 

Connor tried to make up for his rude behavior, and asked Becca to throw a picture of him into the pool to symbolize him being different than the aggressive jerk from the group date. 

Precious moments. 

Then for some reason the model took his clothes off and went to talk to Becca. 
I'm sure there was a reason but his dumbness really started to cause a rage black out in me, and I don't remember what else he said. 

He didn't put clothes back on for the rest of the night and stood at the rose ceremony wrapped in a blanket like a little kid who just got out of the pool. 

He got a rose, because of course he did. 
She talked to Colton more about his relationship with Tia, and she said that in the back of her mind she was just always going to think about him dating her friend. She still didn't know what she was going to do.
Colton said he understood, and then told her to have a good night and stay warm. 
It was very strange. 
At the end of the night he ended up getting the rose.
Next week Tia shows up for the group date that Colton is on so it's about to get funky. 

I don't know about you but these guys seem mostly like duds. 
What do you think? Who's your revised top favorites this week? 
Anything I forgot? 
Let me know, below! 

May 29, 2018

Let's Get it Poppin'


First, let me explain what happened to my blogging last season...

I hate Arie, and legitimately could not for one more second watch his dumb sad husky face. 
That's being mean to the husky dog establishment...I'll just stick to his dumb sad face. 
Then I did what I always do when I check out of a season, I read the spoilers and found out that after FIVE YEARS OF WAITING TO BE THE BACHELOR HE MADE THE WRONG CHOICE.
Then after tricking her into a couple's weekend he trapped her into a break up scene. 
Then claimed that was "edited" but oh well. Too bad so sad. 
Because I'm an evil person I got a lot of joy...and I mean A LOT, when Arie and Lauren announced they'd be getting married in January 2019, zero percent of human kind cared. Sure, maybe their parents...but even then...it was a stretch.

I was doubting whether or not I was going to watch the Bachelorette. 

But when Ashley Iaconetti and Jared Haibon announced they were a couple in a 45 min youtube show, I took a deep dive into their love story and I'm v v obsessed. 
They post an ad for Flat Tummy Tea and I'm like...

So I thought if those two crazy kids can make it, so can Becca! 
And here were are.
The journey has begun.

I was hoping that the first episode wouldn't be about Arie. 
He's had his time ya know? 
Let's make it about Becca, but the first thing they did was zoom in on her crying and his loser face. 
The montage of her life since then was cute though, and showed how excited she was for everything. 
They even  showed the mayor, who banned Arie for life from the state of Minnesota. 

Becca met up with the 3 engaged Bachelorette ladies, Kaitlyn, Jojo, and Rachel. 

Rachel (who I'm still not speaking to...) started the conversation by saying "F- Arie." 
The people rest their case. 

They gave Becca their advice, saged the house, and got drunk on mimosas. 
After that it was time to meet the guys. 

They started with sweet Clay who plays NFL football. He was kind of boring for the Bachelorette purposes. Not flashy, but seemed kind. Also presh. Didn't hate him. 

Garrett did a Chris Farley impersonation which is very appropriate in 2018. 
The amount of times I've heard people say, "where can I get a Chris Farley impersonator on the phone?" and no one has had a response, and here we are finally.
The wait is over. 
Garrett pulled up in a mini-van and said that he was ready to have a family and settle down. 
He impressed Becca so much that she gave him the first impression rose.
For the past couple of seasons, the first impression/first kiss of the first night is the final rose. 

So does that mean that he's going to be the ONE?
I liked him at first, but apparently he has some pretty dicey social media, because OF COURSE HE DOES.
I'm hoping Becca didn't fall in to a douche trap again. 

Next up was Joey Donner the model. 

Modeling is his art, and it's hard work.

But he wants you to know that he needs love, just like any other regular uggo. 
He wants to watch a chick flick. 
He's a human with feelings. Not just a piece of meat. 
Truly terrible, and unfortunately it looks like he sticks around for awhile. 

 Joe the Grocer, came into our lives, like a rogue shopping cart. 
And much like a rogue shopping cart, dented our hearts. 

Reasons why he's awesome: 
-He knows produce
- He's got the best Chicago accent
- He owns his own grocery store, so hello free Zebra Cakes. 
- He's adorable

I legitimately thought he was going to stick around for awhile and then I was going to fall deeply in love with him, and you know just fill a void that Peter Kraus left. 

But, like old produce, he was thrown out before we could even get to know him. 
My new bestie Ashley Iaconetti said on her recap that she believes he'll go to Paradise. 
Think happy thoughts that he gets someone to cover the store so Wells Adams can make him drinks. 

Jean Blanc a cologne connoisseur was up next. He matches his colognes to his outfits. 
He made Becca a candle with a signature scent. I'm hoping he smells good because this could be a long travel season for the guys if he doesn't. 
Becca seemed to dig him and he got a rose. 

Next is my little boo, Colton. 
He is a former NFL player, with a non-profit for children with cystic fibrosis. 
He brought Becca a confetti cannon, and as someone who consistently asks her boss for a t-shirt gun in our 1:1s, I felt an immediate connection. 
Oh did I mention that he has a senior dog? 
It seems like he sticks around for awhile and I'm 100% here.for.it.

There was an electrician who didn't make an "I feel a lot of electricity between us" joke, and I commend him for that. 

A man named Kamil, who's occupation is Social Media Participant also showed up.
So he knows how to do a light google, and favorite a tweet or two. 
He told Becca that she needed to meet him 60/40 in a relationship. 
Ok sweetie. 
Sadly he wasn't a top influencer for Becca, and lost a follower. 

The guy who invented the Venmo app was there, so hopefully she locks that down forever. 

There was a former Harlem Globe Trotter who dunked on Becca and I feel like that's what we're missing on this show. 
Dunk contests. 
He did stick around so fingers crossed he jumps over a KIA or something. 

There's a guy named Blake, who is maybe my front runner. 
He told Becca he's been in a wrong relationship and loved that person so much so he can only imagine how much he could love the right person. 
It was very sweet, but I'm automatically suspicious that he's got a secret family somewhere waiting for him to come home. 

A strange situation where a guy had been contacted by another guys ex-girlfriend played out. 
It was very strange, and Becca was confused and ended up keeping the tattle tale. 
Typically snitches do get stitches but for Becca's cause, it's appropriate.

A guy that she met at home showed up. She pulled him aside and said that she was confused as to why he would show up now when he never made a move before. 
He told her he had a transformational year had changed. 
She said that was great, but she didn't think it was the right time. 
He left and yelled at the camera that he was the most romantic f---'in guy ever. 
His calm demeanor and kind words, really give you that fairy tale feeling. 
Definitely not the vibe that he's a villain in a Lifetime movie. 

Overall it looks like this season will be juicy. 
I'm hoping that no one is terrible. 
Becca deserves a goodie. 
Maybe Peter will make a surprise appearance. 
I know. It's been two seasons I need to let Peter go. 
I wish I could quit him but you know I can't. 
The heart wants what it wants. 

Who were your favs? 
Anything I clearly missed?
Are you as over "Let's Do The Damn Thing?" as I am? 
Let me know in the comments! 

Jan 31, 2018

The One Where I Also Recap My Life...

Much like the month of January, this season has felt long. 
Has there been 4 episodes or are we moving into sweeps week? 
I mean we've probably been through 3 solid moon cycles.

This week the girls continued their trek for love to the Paris of Florida, Ft. Lauderdale.
Arie said that Ft. Lauderdale was the perfect place to fall in love, what with the boats, and the food, and the water.
Everyone knows those are the big three for a good love story.

The more Arie talks the more he reminds me of an older Joey Donner from "Ten Things I Hate About You."
I'm just waiting for him to ask one of the women which real estate head shot they like best,


I used to think he gave off a Danny Tanner vibe, but I mean Arie makes Danny Tanner look like a member of Guns n Roses.
He is such a snooooooze.

But, we're going to make it through this season.
I wanna see what this grade A dummy does.

The first date was with Chelsea, the mom, on a yacht.
The boat could be seen from the hotel, where the women got a telescope and watched from 30 stories up.
I'm not sure if it's always been this way, but this season it seems like there's a lot more super sleuthing during the dates.

And who gave them that telescope?
The producers either had to rent one, or bring one because I don't know a lot of hotels who have one on sight.
Or maybe I'm just staying at the wrong Holiday Inn.

Arie and Chelsea jet ski.


I'm not trying to have a bumper car flashback on you guys, but jet skiing is a hard no for your girl.

This one time I was in Key West and they took us jetskiing on the open ocean where like, sharks are actively seeking human flesh.
It was rainy and cold, and the I lost a contact and couldn't see anything, so I started crying so then I REALLY couldn't see, and the only thing that got me through the whole experience was me repeating to myself,
"If DJ Khaled can jet ski, I can jet ski."


I should use that for my audition tape if Peter's the Bachelor.

At dinner Chelsea tells Arie that she dated an older man who made her who he wanted her to be, and about six months after having their son, he left her for another woman who he now has a family with while she had to start over.

When she was talking about her struggle about being a single mom, Arie seemed a little too into it.

So clearly he ended up giving her the rose because Arie wants nothing more than a blonde lady with a kid.

The group date was with about 13 women at a bowling alley.
The name of game was extra time with Arie, so the women were in it to literally win it.
(Trust that I saw Arie lick the bowling ball, but going into detail about it will cause me to black out from the heebie jeebies.)

A bowling alley date is honestly my dream.
Let's take another walk down Jones Memory Lane.
I used to be on a bowling league when I was little so not to brag but I am adequate at bowling.
I had my own ball, shoes, and a bag.
The real reason why a bowling date is a dream date?
The food.
I. Love. Bowling. Alley. Food.
I wouldn't have even tried to participate in the date until I received the adequate amount of curly fries and card board pizza that's only good because you're eating it in a bowling alley.


The women are excited to bowl, and are focused on winning.
Krystalluhh is on the date and she is convinced that it is time for Arie to impress HER on the group date because she's made herself known.


Before the games begin, the girls get in what can only be described as a prayer circle where Krystalluh leads them in a blessing of the date.
Everyone is like "Yeah sure, Amen."

After the Blue Team (aka Krystalluhh's team) wins, Arie decides that it might not be fair to send the other team home.
Krystalluh is pissed.


She tells the women in the van on the way home that Arie didn't consult the winning team, that he told them what to do, and that he was a liar.
She said that she wanted to be in a relationship with someone who included her on decisions and told the women that her stuff was packed and that she wasn't going on the date.

The women are like, "K bye," and go down to meet Arie.
Arie's like "Yay the gangs all here."
And the women are like, "Krystalluh's not."
They tell him about everything she said and that she refused to come downstairs.
Needing an explanation, Arie goes to the room to talk to Krystalluh about why she isn't with the rest of the group.

Here's how the conversation went:

Arie: Why aren't you on the date?
Krystaluh: You said one thinguh and then changed your minduh.
Arie: It's just bowling. I wanted to extend time for everyone.
Krystaluh: I don't knowuh anything about youh.
Arie: You know the most about me.
Krystaluh: I knowuh.
Arie: Are you teaching me a lesson? You should stay up here tonight and know I'm not happy about it. I'll see you in a few days.


She has literally been to his home, so I'm unsure what she meant when she said she knows nothing about him.
Besides having a copy of his finger prints to get into lock boxes at the bank, she's probably gotten the most out of anyone.

Arie went back to the women who did a myriad of things to keep him entertained.
Meanwhile, Krystaluh got dressed and came down to the date.
Some of the women asked a lot of questions like, "Why are you here?"
"Are you a liar now because you changed your mind about coming down here?"
"You're fake."
Ok that wasn't really a question but it kinda went that way.
After being sufficiently shamed, she came to the decision that she was going to go back up to the room without seeing Arie.

At the end of the night the group date rose went to Lauren B.

Arie's last date was with Tia.
They went on a motor boat through swamp land and went to a house that was essentially surrounded by a moat of crocodiles.
Which is oddly how his home in Arizona is set up.
He's getting older, he can't really afford to have women leave him anymore.

The date was very sweet and Tia is 1000% too good for him.

At the time of the cocktail party the women are out for Krystaluh's demise.
Krystalluh on the other hand lets them know she wasn't ignoring them, she was in her room investing and discovering herself.

The women tell her she's gross and she is appalled they do not understand her.


To be honest she does seem like a jerk who would throw glitter bombs on people.
Hard to get rid of...just like her.

Somehow she gets alone time with Arie and tells her that she was triggered by her time in the bowling alley.
You see, it took her back to her childhood, because her mom used to work at a bowling alley and she spent a lot of her time there.
When Arie changed his mind, it reminded her of all the men her mom dated that would make promises and not keep them, so her mom would have to keep working at the bowling alley and she was just really messed about that.

She doesn't need to worry about pulling any muscles because that was a stretch.


Arie seems to take it all in, or not.
His blank stare is hard to read.
She says that they just had their first fight, to which he replies, "And it could be our last one."
LOL, no it won't Arie, the producers have them in their pool, she aint going nowhere.

The rose ceremony comes and I'm going to be honest, the remaining women are all blending together, and I can't remember who has already left and who's managed to stick around.
Like is Jacqueline not Bekah with long hair?
Who's a Lauren?
Where's Tia?
Did Sienne realize that she was way too good for this and leave?

At the end it came down to the very last rose, and Krystalluh waiting for her name to be called.
And it was....


Next week they go to ACTUAL Paris, so the women probably lock Krystalluh to that Lock Bridge. 
Is anyone standing out to you yet? 
Am I missing someone!? 
Let me know in the comments! 

Jan 17, 2018

Bye Bye Bibiana

If you follow me on twitter (@ashleyjonesy), you may have seen my tweet asking, from 1 to a root canal, how terrible Krystal was this week.

I just needed a gauge to see how terrible it was going to be because my reaction to her is what people call, "unnaturally aggressive." 

My friend Maggie said, "several root canals," so I just held onto my butt and hit play on my dvr. 

Chris Harrison, who seems to hate everyone more and more as the weeks go by, stopped in to tell the women that there would be two group dates and only one 1:1. 
He reminded them that not everyone would be on a date, and then said, 
"Later turds," and left do whatever he does all day. 
Probably bullet journal. 

The first date card mentioned something about being in a ring. 
When they showed up to the venue and they showed a wrestling ring, I was here for it. 
This is my wheel house. 
For some of you who may not know, I'm also a wrestling fan. 
I went to Wrestlemania about 4 years ago, and was in fact, Sting, for Halloween in 6th grade:
You can actually see me thinking about how cool I was.
So, needless to say I was pumped. 
Chris, back from practicing his hand lettering skills for future Bachelor wedding invitations, told the women they would be taking part in the Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor Wrestling League. 

It was a play on the hit Netflix series GLOW, where they ended up getting two of the original GLOW wrestlers from the 80's. 
These  GLOW ladies...
they have seen some shit, and did not care AT ALL about anyone's feelings. 
They talked trash to the women, and it got kinda uncomfortable. 

ESPECIALLY, when one of them asked Bibiana how she spelled her name, then asked if her mom knew how to spell. 

Let's just say that wasn't met with chuckles and knee slapping. 

The coaches went after Tia next, who left and started crying. 

Bibiana and Tia, talked it over, and decided they were going to kill the match, instead of killing the GLOW stars. 

As the women got ready for their matches, they were told they'd have to have "personas." 
Bibiana was Bridezilla. 

One woman was a lunch lady WITH a large mole. 

via @michcollhttps://twitter.com/michcoll

My persona would have been, Tori "The Chip" Tilla. 
My tag line would be, "I got a chip on my shoulder and today is NACHO day."

Thank you, Thank you. 

I'll be here all week. 
Next week too. 

The first fight of the night wasn't with the women, it was with Starry Arie and Pretty Boy Kenny! 

Somehow Starry Arie won...it's like it's predetermined. 

You'll be surprised to know that Krystalllluhh was on this date. 
She remained fairly under the radar during the date, but was the first to steallluh Arieeeuh at the after party. 

Arie told Krystalllllluh that it was hard to be around her in front of the other women. 
Which is essentially saying, "Please take my social security number, and start opening credit cards as Krystalluh Luyendyk," in her mind. 
When the two of them get together, they both get these evil laughs while they make out. 
They're like a couple scheming an old guy out of money. 
Is that the second week in a row I've referenced scheming an old person out of money? 
I watch a lot of Lifetime and ID Network too. 

Krystalluhhh asked Arie what he wanted her to do in group date situations? 
She said she didn't want to fall behind, and he told her to talk to him when she wanted attention, and to let him know she was there. 
Again she probably took that to mean, ug them up, cut their pony tails off while they're talking to Arie, but we'll see how that plays out the next few weeks. 
She clearly left that conversation thinking that she was the one, and that she was going to get the group date rose. 

Young Bekah also had some alone time with Arie.
She told him that she was recently in a long term relationship for about 2-3 years and that she was in love. 
Then when he broke up with her she was like, "meh, fine."
She's so mature.
They made out a bunch, he said he liked her a lot... 
Blah blah blah, he reaches for the group date rose, and while you see Krystallluh waiting to graciously accept, he gives it to Young B. 

If you look very closely you can see flames in Krystaluh's eyes in that moment. 
It was excellent. 

The next day at the mansion, we're treated to a conversation between Marikh and Krystalluh. 
Krystalluhh reveals, and hold on y'all this may shock you, she doesn't get along with girls very well. 
She had a friend in 8th grade whose boyfriend dumped her because he wanted to date Krystalluh. 
Krystaluh said she didn't date him (but did french a little because she's a good friend) but it didn't matter, her friend never forgave her.

She also told Marikh (who is also dating Arie btw) that her and Arie both know they want to be with each other and that this is the process that they needed to go through to get there. 

See Marikh's reaction below: 

When the 1:1 date card comes, Chelsea hopes her name is on the card. 
Because she's a mom...and needs to make sure she's there for the right guy...because of her momness. 

Instead it's Lauren 1, 2, 3, or 4. 
The date card said, "You had me at Merlot," and somehow with her critical thinking skills she determines they're probably going to a winery. 
She was correct. 

The date went by in a blur, mainly because she wouldn't stop talking. 
About what I don't know, but everything she said was, "amazing." 

The date was so bad that Arie actually ate his dinner. 

Even though she tried to salvage it Arie told her it wasn't working out and she was sent packin'. 

Back at the mansion Krystalluhhh told the girls that Lauren 1-4 told her that she had trouble being vulnerable. 
She encouraged all of the women to take advantage of their timeuhhh with Arieuhhh, because that's what she did on the groupuhh and 1:1uhhh. 

Caroline not being able to take it anymore walked out. 
She said that just because Krystalluhh met Arie's dog did not make her an expert. 
Preach it. 

The final group date card came, and said that things were going to get "ruff." 
Annaliese, at first excited that her name was on the card, instantly changed her tune when she found out the date probably was going to involve dogs. 

You see, Annaliese had a traumatic experience with a dog. 
Not the same day she was on the bumper cars, but a different day when she was playing with a dog who snapped and  bit her face and she almost lost her eye. 

The producers did yet another dramatic reenactment and let me tell you....it was everything. 
It's like an episode of Snapped and Law and Order rolled into the Bachelor, aka  My Heaven. 

So while everyone was psyched to see a puppy parade barreling towards them Annaliese tried not to make eye contact with any of them for fear they may have been there to finish the job. 

The women hung out with the dogs all day, gave them treats, and learned how to make them do tricks. 
Essentially a dream. 
They then had to perform those tricks in front of a crowd (people in a park) while Chris Harrison and Fred Willard (who looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there) provided color commentary. 

Chelsea was up first, and of course she was fine being on stage in front of people, but it was looking at the children in the front row that made her miss her own child. 
I'm not sure if you knew, but Chelsea is a mom. 

Everyone else tried and failed to really impress. 
Annaliese literally was on poop duty, and cleaned up after all the acts. 
Bet bumper cars didn't seem so bad at that point. 

Later in the evening, Arie talked to Chelsea and told her he really admired her. 
She told him she likes finding out who she was and she adores the person she's become after being around him. 
Eight days really puts in perspective who you are as a woman. 

Arie said she was incredible, and after making out with pretty much every one that walked near his mouth, he gave Chelsea the group date rose. 

At the cocktail party, ladies were on the hunt for time with Arie. 
Bibiana was determined to make a nice set up for the two of them so that they could finally have some alone time and get to know each other. 
She (the producers) set up a couch and a telescope in the front of the driveway. 
As she went to find Arie, others started taking advantage of the new lay out. 
And I mean really take advantage. 

Young B and Arie sprawled out and chatted. 
Young B told Arie that he probably was afraid of her because she didn't need him to be complete. 
And that he probably only dated people the needed him to complete who they were as people, and that's probably why he dated so many moms. 

I'm telling ya, that Semester at Sea really changes a person. 

Arie, not wanting to be out done by Bibiana (who never made it out there with him), set up hay bails and moonshine so that he could spend some time alone with Tia. 

Tia seems great, and really down to earth...therefore Arie doesn't deserve her.

Throughout the night, Annaliese finds out that she is the only person who hasn't kissed Arie yet. 
She goes to him, and essentially asks him to kiss her. 
He says he doesn't think they're there...yet. 
Annaliese is then interrupted and she's left to think about what that "yet" meant. 

What's surprising here is that Arie says no to kissing her. 
He's find checking the esophagus of all girls, but just not Annaliese. 

There are women climbing on top of him like they're in a Whitesnake video, and he's fine with it, but ask him for a kiss, how dare you ma'am. 
Good day. 

Annaliese finds him again, and asks if he really thought there was a chance they could be together. 
He said, "mmmm nope."
After walking her out, it became clear only one person was going home at the rose ceremony. 

It turns out sweet Bibiana was not the one for Arie, and was sent home. 
She was spunky and I liked her, but I'm sure we'll like her more in Paradise. 
Wells and Bibiana at the bar seem like a ton of fun. 

Next week it looks like Krystalluhh is turned all the way up, so I'm going to need to mentally prepare. 

Just thinking about her saying "Hiiiiuhhhhhhh" in her whisper voice makes me queasy. 

Overall I'm still thinking I like Becca the best. Also a big fan of Tia. 

What do you think? 
What did I miss this week? 
Let me know! 

Jan 11, 2018

It's Crystal Clear That Krystal is the Worst

This week, we start with Danny Tanner Arie overlooking the highway grateful for the extra help at home he has from Jesse and Joey  the journey he's about to take this week. 

At the Bachelor mansion, Mommy Dearest, is hopeful for a 1:1 date with Arie to give him the rundown about why she's so mysterious. 

However, she is given a rude awakening when the date card has Becca K's name on it instead. 
(Side note: my instafriend @katiezkelley pointed out that Arie signs his date cards with a star for the A. 
The man is 36 years of age. 

via abc.com
As Becca made her way outside, Arie provided her with a leather jacket that fit just right. 
She was shocked that he knew her size, but what she didn't know what that leather jacket held a secret. 
A secret of the traveling leather jacket...all who try it on, are able to wear it comfortably. 

As many of you have read here in the past, putting on a man's jacket to stay warm or a new jacket in front of people is a nightmare situation for me. 

What if i burst through and the sleeves come off, and I'm wearing a leather vest like Stone Cold Steve Austin? 
Or, you know, this is always a possibility too:

I digress.
They got on his motorcycle and rode off.

Krystalllluh said that she would have told him before they got on the bike that her dad was in a bad motorcycle accident and knew people who had lost body parts. 

Could you imagine, everyone outside, seeing them off, and she's like, "Wait...no...let's talk about motorcycle safety."

Becca and Arie went on what is best described as "Pretty Woman" date. 
Rachel Zoe styled Becca in her line and while I'm sad I didn't get any answers about whether she still talks to Brad and Tay (please make up you guys), we got to see all her new looks. 

Becca tried on the dresses for their dinner date, and modeled them for Arie. 
Enter yet another nightmare scenario for yours truly. 

She was also gifted all the looks, her own pair of red bottom Louboutins (had to google how to spell that), AND a pair of diamond earrings from Neil Lane. 

I'm sure that would have been helpful BEFORE she spent all that money on fancy dresses for the show, but hey, maybe she still has the tags on a few. 

All I could think about was the shopping spree scene from PW and was waiting/hoping for her to go back to the house and say to the ladies "Big mistake, HUGE." 

The night portion of the date was just dinner and a confetti box. 
Throughout the conversation Becca said she was glad he knew a lot about cars because she needed to get her brakes fixed. 
She honestly seemed pretty cool, and I've got her as a top fav for sure. 

Then you guys....I can't.....I can't really tell you how much this next date upset me. 
It was another 1:1 ...........with.............Krystalllluh. 
What...what fresh hell is this woman? 
When she found out her name was on the date card, she said that must mean she meant a lot to him. 

He told her he was going to take him to Scottsdale, AZ aka his home where they literally went to his house. 
I'm unsure how I feel about her knowing the exact address of where he lives, as she can accurately case the place, but to each their own. 

They watched home movies and we were reintroduced to the mother who is in love with him. 

Once she saw how close his family was she mentioned how NOT close she was with her family. 
As I typed that sentence it came to me who she reminds me of. 
Debbie from Addams Family Values. 
Really nice at first and then she burns her family house down when didn't get Ballerina Barbie but a 

She comes back to the house and all the women want the deets of their date. 
She is really vague about what they did. 
Probably because she doesn't want them to take the good bushes out side his home. 
She's got dibs.

The group date had FIFTEEN girls on it. 
They found out they were going to be participating in a demolition derby. 

All of a sudden Annaliese starts crying, and I mean really crying. 
She has trauma based on a bumper car incident when she was a child. 
She was stuck in the middle of cars that just kept bumping her and she was just so scared. 
You're probably thinking to yourself, "Self, isn't that just what bumper cars is?" 
And the answer is in fact, "Yes." 

And sure, all of us have some sort of traumatic story to tell from childhood. 
One time my shoe made a fart noise and everyone laughed at me and I couldn't replicate the sound again and no matter how many times I said, "It was my shoe, not me!" they still laughed and said I farted. 
You're probably thinking right now, "She probably did fart." 
Well I didn't. 
But that incident didn't stop me from wearing shoes for fear of future fart sounds. 
(That's actually a good follow up album name to Justin Timberlake's "Future Sex/Love Sounds.")
Someone tell him for me. 

Somehow Arie inspired her to get in the car, and all of a sudden she turned into Grave Digger. 

The girls get really into it and Seinne wins. 
Mommy Dearest steals him first at the after party to tell him why she's so mysterious. 
She tells him she has a three year old son. 
Arie tells her that's great and that he used to live with a woman who had two kids, but it didn't work out. 
Really, Arie? 
I don't think she thought you had an ole lady back at home waitin' on ya. 

When Chelsea rejoined the group she said that as a mother she needed as much time with him to make sure that she wasn't wasting her time. 
Marikh said that while she respected that Chelsea was a mom, but that didn't make her any more special, because everyone had a story. 

These girls do not play.

Later, Bibiana raged because she didn't have time with Arie, while others tried to calm her down. 
It didn't help, and she went home feeling her feelings. 
Meanwhile, we learn that Seinne went to Yale and is smart af and very chill. 
Arie seemed to like her a lot and she's a second fav of mine.

Arie faked out Mommy Dearest, by saying how he appreciated her revealing more about herself, but ultimately gave the group date rose to Seinne. 

During the cocktail party the women were tense and hoping to get as much time with Arie as possible. 
A quick refresh on who already had roses: 
-Becca K

A few girls talk to Arie, and then Krystallluh wanting to "follow up" with Arie interrupts Lauren B who didn't have a date that week. 

The women were angry, but not lighting their torches yet. 

Then she did it again...to Bibiana. 
She came back into the house and sat on the couch with the women who were still waiting for time with Arie, and they weren't having it. 
Especially Bibiana, who had some residual rage from the previous night. 

She told Krystalluhhh that she wasn't going to talk to her until she stopped using a fake voice, and that she just ruined any chance of the women respecting her time. 

Krystalluhhh apologizedduhhh but clearly did not care. 
It's sad she doesn't know that her bra is going to be in the freezer and her hands are going to be in warm water for the remainder of her time in the mansion, but she brought it on herself. 

The rose ceremony was uneventful, until he had to say goodbye to the women. 
Most said good luck, but Jenny? Jenny just walked out.
Arie went after to her and gave her a very uncomfortable hug. 
She told him she wasn't sad to leave him but she was sad to leave her friends. 
Sweet Jenny, you'll see them in Paradise, I'm sure. 

At the end of this episode I realized that more than anything, that I could find a way that let me watch this show, but not watch Krystal, but also know everything she says without listening to her actually speak.

She is my least favorite, and I don't remember the last time I haven't like someone so much on this show. 
She is just...gosh she's the pits. 
I'm hoping she doesn't stay for long, and I have a feeling that if Bibiana has anything to do with it, she may miss a flight or two. 

What were your thoughts this week? 
Any favs so far? 
Let me know in the comments!