Aug 26, 2009

I think about what I'm going to blog about all the time...

It's just actually writing it that I seem to have some issues with. I'll get better at this I'm sure. I read this email that was just random thoughts someone put together. I'll include it at the bottom of this post but I thought I'd make a little list of my own.

As I mentioned in my last blog I am forever losing my remote. I don't know where it goes or why I put it under a piece of paper on the shelf that's nowhere near my TV but seriously. If they still put missing things on milk cartons...I'd put a picture of that puppy on one at least once a week.

Sometimes and by sometimes I mean all the time...I think of what it would be like to be famous. Would I go the Tina Fey route? Or would I go the Chris Farley-esque route. Considering the fact that all drugs scare me and I not so subconsciously picked out my latest pair of glasses because they looked very similar to Tina Fey's... I'd go the Tina Fey route.

I also wonder if I was famous if I would become demanding. Like if my rider would consist of the following:
  • No one under the height of 5' 4'' is to make direct eye contact with Jones. If this happens prepare for an open handed slap.
  • Anyone who makes an incorrect "that's what she said" reference will do wall sits until Jones sees fit.
  • No Gingers unless previously approved.
  • One white tiger for a monkey to ride around on. Monkey must have cowboy hat and no weird diseases like that one freak monkey did in Outbreak.
Not that I put a lot of thought into it or anything. I don't know why I would slap anyone under 5' 4'' in real life. Under 5' 3'' is a different story.

Currently watching "A Few Good Men," and I get why Tom Cruise was cool.

I wish more movies had Kevin Bacon in them. For the sole fact that it would make 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon even easier and more fun.

When people go exactly 55 mph on the highway there are no words for the rage that I feel.

An employee at the new Chick-fil-a looked at me today like he recognized me. And not like he knew me from anywhere else other than he sees me at his Chick-fil-a a lot.

I realized I haven't eaten Taco Bell since June and I don't know how to feel about that.

Still watching "A Few Good Men" and who knew Cuba Gooding Jr was in this movie? That was a pleasant surprise. And weird that his next acting gig with Tom Cruise would win him an Oscar. And does anyone remember his brother Omar Gooding who was on that show on Nickelodeon forever ago "Wild and Crazy Kids"? Weird that I know that right?

As I am writing this blogger gives me the option to label this post. One of their examples for a label is "scooters". Which now makes me wonder how many blogs are there solely about scooters?

I'm sometimes embarrassed to tell people the book I'm reading because it's never anything smart. I read a book by Chelsea Handler called My Horizontal Life and when people asked me what I had read lately the only other choices I had to pull from were Twilight, Are You There Vodka? It's Me Chelsea, and the latest People magazine.

When anyone tells me that Diet Pepsi is no better than regular Pepsi I feel like kicking them in the shin. If that show Intervention was willing to an expose on me and my addiction to Diet Pepsi and show what happened when someone took it away from me...I'd be much crazier than any meth addict they've ever had. Add taking away carbs and it may turn into an episode of Cops.

I'm convinced all spiders are poisonous.

Snakes too.

Demi Moore's hair in this movie really annoys me.

That's all I have for now. I promise I'm going to try and update this more. It's fun so I don't know why I don't.

But before I go here is the original list from the email I was sent as promised:

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves
me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

That's enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never
be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first
saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
only one who really, really gets it.

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped
on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom.
Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I
tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We
played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I
finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that’s is when I
realized, yup, that’s a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the
guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re cognize their own image.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired
about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."
Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all
I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and
said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to
be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an
overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?



If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge
me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching
this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the
room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that
when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I
find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from
the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
before dinner.


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