May 21, 2010


The Chronicles of an Awkward Monster
By Ashley A. Jones

  • In 7th grade I went to the high school football game. I was a heifer and wanted a piece of pizza so Tim Jones gave me $5 to go get it. Because of my heif status I ate it before I got back to my seat. Naturally I wanted to do good in Captain Planet's name and help the environment so I threw my trash away in the HA-UGE dumpster. As I was throwing away said plate I also threw away Tim's change. I couldn't let that happen so I reached in with all my might to get my $$$. During that process I essentially took a dumpster dive and fell into the trashcan while the lid closed over me with my legs hanging out. Two older guys, presumably who already attended Annandale High School (home of the Annandale ATOMS) saw me and said, "Oh Sh!t that girls in t he the trashcan!" Clearly it was a school made of geniuses. 
  • In 10th grade I was admiring my two freshly french braided pigtails in a passing window when I ran straight into the door frame. 
  • I had the biggest crush on this kid in high school who would catch me staring at him all the time. I literally couldn't even speak to him he made me so nervous. Sometimes I would just gasp turn on my heel and walk in the other direction which clearly wasn't obvious. 
  • One time I wore khakis and a vest to a 9th grade New Year's Eve party and refused to play spin the bottle because I thought my mom would find out. I'm surprised I didn't have a Bible and holy water to throw on people. I should have just worn my headgear to that party too...it would have completed the ensemble.
  • I once gave an awkward high five to my gym boyfriend. And talked to him once with the worst dry mouth ever while on the treadmill. I'm pretty sure I looked like Fire Marshall Bill. 
  • Just last week a precious and I mean PRECIOUS boy came into the office looking for my boss. He'd come to see her a few times and she'd never been there and we made small talk. Then finally I thought I'd formally introduce myself to this little stud muffin--righhhht after I had touched my Starbucks cup dripping with condensation. As I went to shake his hand I  realized that mine was soaking wet. I then turned into robot mode and I think these were the words that came out of my mouth, "Hands aren't sweaty...just touched cup." Then my elbow bumped into my cup anddd knocked it over. I haven't seen him since so I'm just convinced he went to Jared to start designing the ring he will soon propose to me with. 
  • Yesterday my friend brought me a chocolate covered strawberry. Naturally I scarfed it. I also dropped some down my dress not noticing it left a chocolate trail down my chest. (I was wearing a scoop neck even though it was topless Thursday.) I didn't realize it until after I had a full conversation with my boss as well as stopping to talk with some of my co-workers. So...that's awesome. 
I'm off to embarrass myself some more--because let's face it as soon as I get up from my desk I will no doubt do something mortifying. 

Awkwardly yours, 

Jonesy

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