When Barb Jones tells you to do something you do it...

Barb Jones is my mom. She's a pretty cool lady. Makes a mean chocolate chip pancake and laughs at my jokes so I keep her around. And by keep her around I mean she lets me live at home for free.

Occasionally I follow her around the house too closely or when she cooks. Occasionally I sneak up on her while she's in the laundry room. Occasionally I prank call her at work. Occasionally I put fake bugs in the butter for her to find while she's making her english muffins. Somehow she still loves me.        

However, she does not love the banner on my blog or my most recent blog post about my awkwardness. She called me today from New Orleans (where she claims she is there for work...I personally believe she's there celebrating Mardi Gras with her friends and didn't want me, Tim, and Helen tagging along but whatever. I'M ON TO YOU MOTHER.) During her phone call she said and I quote:

"I think you're blog is really funny, but can you put some cute pictures of yourself up there. You keep picking out the awkward ugly ones and people are going to think that I did a bad job dressing you. I DRESSED YOU TO THE NINES WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE."

So for the record my mom tried to make sure I didn't look like the supporting cast of Annie when I was younger. However my future love for plaid and denim could not be tamed.

So please do not blame this woman. She did her best.

--A

If I Could Turn Back Time...

I would dress myself a lot differently. I'd also teach myself how to do an awesome Cher impression--much like this...but I digress.

After I mentioned how incredibly awkward I was a young child (and ok maybe now) I thought I'd investigate a little deeper into the true weirdness of my youth and boyyyy did I find some goodies.

The good news is I wasn't always helpless. For instance:

Here I am either at the pool in our apartment complex OR Wildwood, NJ on a family vacation. If it is indeed Wildwood this would be before I was entered into the beauty pagent for the hotel guests' children. I suprisingly did not win. Apparently the judges did not respond well to my "What do you want to be when you grow up?" question. (The answer was a country singer librarian. Which seemed extremely doable btw. Follow the Dewie Decimal system by day -- Dolly Parton it up at night.)

Here I can be seen with my first true love. He was an older man and a ginger. I think that his silence and constant fake grin really put an end to our relationship. That's probably why I feel about gingers the way that I do. Even though our love ended I knew I would always support his fight against the Hamburglar. That was also the last time I was able to get away with a belly shirt. Trust me I've tried.  

Here's when things start getting icky. I broke it down for you by lettering the problems.

Details below:

• a. Hair wrap- In my defense it was Disney World. I was seven.
• b. Headband- A little overkill due to hair wrap accessory
• c. Plaid Kurt Cobain (ish) shirt tied around my waist- I don't know if you can truly make it out but it is fact there. I'm not sure why I found it necessary to bring a plaid shirt with me during a day in Orlando Florida but I did what I wanted.
• d. Cat Shirt- Ok this may be my favorite thing to describe. This shirt is not only pink but filled with cats doing random activities. One of them being jump rope. Another being high tea.
• e. Mickey Mouse Fanny Pack-  Goes nicely with my plaid AND cat shirt. Such a fashionista. After all where else was I supposed to put my pen and mini autograph book? PLUTO AND MICKEY COULD COME AROUND THE CORNER AT ANY MINUTE.
• f. Stripped Shorts?- I say shorts with a question mark only because they look like bloomers...or capri chef pants.
• g. My Nikes- Just to add a bit of class to the ensemble I guess I thought my Nikes were the finishing touch. Notice they are what most kids wore who played basketball. I didn't play because it involved too much running...but still wanted to keep up appearances.
• h. Cheetah Slap Bracelet- Because it was the 90s.

Let's move on shall we?

Here I am on my birthday...at the end of November. Why I thought short overalls were the best accessory for my party I'll never know. However overalls were my jam in middle and part of high school. Then someone asked if my tractor was parked outside and it was back to Adidas swishy pants. Those were also a staple in my wardrobe--I was a big "Space Jam" fan so I guess I felt like a Monstar when I ripped them off at the end of the day.

I think everyone has pictures that were brutal growing up but I think they are fantastic. They are so embarassing yet 100% fabulous.

Oh also before I go I must share this as well. When I was looking thru all of our picture boxes I found this picture:

Is Liza with a z related? I'm gonna Nancy Drew this mystery and get back to you. For now let your mind wander.

Also if you want to become a follower of the blog you don't have to be signed up with Blogger so don't be scared. While you're at it you should become a follower of my friend April's blogs as well. She's cool and can cook and run. Two things I'm not capable of. So go here annnnd here!

High fives and hugs!

--A

Who Doesn't Love a Good Alf Joke?

[via The Daily What]

It's funny because he ate cats!!!!!!

I also used to have an Alf sleeping bag. One of my more prized possesions as a youth.

I'd actually like to have one now....if anyone knows where to find one holler atcha girl. (<--- that just happened.)

I can't raise this baby on my own...

Did I totally just freak you out with that title? Don't worry there is no baby. Really I just like saying that phrase. I don't know why...actually yes I do. It's because I watch a ton of Lifetime Movie Network and I feel like they constantly say it and I think it's funny.  See below the emotion it is normally said in:

(I have to credit this photo to my best friend Sara who found it for me after I failed after numerous attempts in finding such a gem. It also goes to show that I pick very good friends because they know where to find such treasures.)

I took my favorite quote to the streets one day to test it out, and by the streets I mean work. There was an tour group coming in and I volunteered to work the coat check. I asked our event planner if we could keep the tips should we get any from those handing over their chaquetas. She said she was pretty sure that was frowned upon. That's when I made my move. Leaning over the railing in the foyer of the building I said "I can't raise this baby on my own..." Surprisingly it went over well. I mean I haven't received a letter of concern from HR asking why I was cornering guests for spare change to buy milk for my baby.  However, somedays when I forget my change for my daily soda(s) I do feel like setting up shop down by the vending machines with a cardboard sign and a cup. I HAVE A PROBLEM OK. 


Anyway there was a point to this post. 


My cash flow is pretty limited these days. It turns out that cardigans and clever tee's  are not a need compared to say getting my own apartment. However, it looks like if I end up living in a cardboard box one day I can use said cardigans as curtains, rugs, and carpeting. So my roommate Barb put me on a strict budget. Let me tell you it's hard. Like really hard. I love buying stuff for myself and other people. I like to pretend I'm a baller but alas I am not. But I know how I could be. I've come up with the idea that I am going to play scratcher tickets and enter sweepstakes. I won $40 once and now I've got the itch. And by itch I mean I'm trying to get as much money as possible and I feel like if I win the lottery a lot of my problems will be solved. 


If this seems like a far fetched plan to you--I'll be sure to write you from the American Idol finale that I drove to in my brannnnd new car that was presented to me by the celebrity of my choosing because I won the contest to spend a day with them. Then I'll hop on my personal jet that is staffed by Joey Fatone and Lance Bass (because let's face it what else do they have to do) where we will then go to egg the houses of the Backstreet Boys (except for AJ because I mean his life is sad already --hello male pattern baldness at 22). I will then make sure I remember to text you that my husband Jonathan Taylor Thomas says, "Hello." (He's my husband because I'm making all of my dreams from age 8 till the present come true and have you seen recent pictures of him lately?) You haven't? Well here you go:

Still foxy...and he was the most affordable husband to buy. Then I'll make sure to pencil you in between my sessions of uninterrupted hand holding with Justin Timberlake, hair braiding and story telling with Tina Fey, and bed time stories with Tim McGraw. 


Now that you see what I think about in my spare time and you know I'm crazy...I'm off to sleep. 


--A 


P.S. As aforementioned I looked for pics of Tori Spelling sobbing. I Googled Lifetime movie images and this image was literally in the results: 

How awesome is that? You can't make something like that up. 

P.P.S. If you would like -- you should totally become a follower of this little blog. There's a little button on the right that just says follow so click on it if you feel the urge. :) 

What do you do when you have feelings for a Ginger?

I'm a giant fan of celebrity gossip. Some try to hide their knowledge and interest--meanwhile I recite facts about Hollywood like Rainman. Because of this I was going to write my thoughts about various headlines I found amusing. Throw some spicy commentary in there and boom BLOG POST. Then I fell in love.

But not with just anyone...I, Ashley Antoinette Jones, fell in love with a GINGER. (gets me everytime)

However, before I continue I wanted to throw out a joke that I was sitting on all day via various headlines I had seen about Jon Gosselin. 

*ahem* 

I don't think I can handle anymore stories about Jon Gosselin's junk. Jon Gosselin? More like Jon GROSSelin!!!

Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

For anyone who has continued past the lamest joke in history-
I will proceed with my story of forbidden love.

Why is love of a Ginger forbidden for me you may ask?

Because I say so. 
I don't hate people with red hair by any means.
I just find them to be freakish  and fascinating.

They have red hair. RED. Sometimes orange. 

It's so strange.

I think little kids who have red hair are cute.
I also think that there are adults that have cool red hair.

My best friend Catherine for one is semi-Ginger
and I love her dearly. Ariel for instance-a famous Ging
got to brush out her locks with a fork.
Something I always thought was cool--and have maybe

tried to do--recently.  

Two of my friends freshman year both Gingers--
both pretty cool humans.

There are exceptions to every rule.
 I just personally feel that people in movies

 with red hair have always been the bullies, or scary,
or creepy, or Lindsay Lohan...

so you can imagine

my discomfort around them at first in real life.

However, after serious deliberation with my
 friend Fran (you all know her as the one who set

 in motion this incident) we've decided to have a 4 Ginger Max
 in our inner circles.

(I would like to point out that I do include Conan O'Brien in said circle...) 

Then last night out of nowhere this tomatoey haired
supernova came out of nowhere and stole my heart.

Shaun White snowboarded like--I don't even know what.
Take a look for yourselves here. 

He practiced these tricks in secret and then was the
only guy that didn't fall.

He didn't even have to do a second run and he was
STILL awesome!

He was literally so high up in the air at some points
I'm pretty sure he could have taken Russell and
Mr. Fredricksen to South America
sans balloons.

As a matter of fact Pixar, call me we'll talk about
Up! 2 Our Ears in Snow...ok i'll stop...

Anyway--as I watched I realized that I was falling in love.
He wasn't new to the world but he was new to me as

were these feelings of attraction to someone with such a hair color. 

I talked to Fran who echoed my same sentiment.
She too was falling in love and was conflicted.
We are not sure how to address our feelings
as we have mercilessly made fun of our Ginger friends.

I don't know if this new found love of the same

man will cause a schism  in our relationship...if things
go down I'm sure we'll sell some sort of ticket for
a fight in an octagon. All proceeds will most likely
go to hair-dye for other Ginger youths.

However, this new found crisis has led us to the following question:

We're so scared.

--A 

P.S. I'm sorry the formatting for this is weird. I think it's the video that I embedded. It should be all fixed now.

Celebrate being fat...

Happy Fat Tuesday!

Get a little cray cray today!

--A

I like stuff...

I love greeting cards. I also love funny cartoons. I'm easily entertained. I found this on www.shoeboxblog.com and giggled. I thought I would share. Clearly I realize it is no longer topical as Thanksgiving was almost 4 months ago.

Happy Valentine's Day Kiddos!

Don't worry I'm not about to write about how awesome or awful Valentine's Day is. That's lame. Not to mention my mom and dad both gave me cards and candy so I count it as pretty sweet score on my part. Sure both cards involved fart jokes but that's just the kind of family we are.

Anyway I was getting ready to write about what a fun weekend I had when I noticed that the advertisements I added from good ole Google showed up on my page finally. However, I looked at what they were and they made me laugh out loud. I'm probably violating some rule by mentioning them but I just thought it needed to be pointed out.

Let's back up for a second.

You can add advertisements to your blog if you  feel like it. They check out what your blog is about and add things that they think your readers would dig. According to Goog here's what they think you all are interested in:

*ahem*

1. Body Wrappers--I don't know if that's for like Dexter fans or Weight Watchers fans.

2. Cute Dance Leotards--This may be because I've said if I ever get to my goal weight I'd only be wearing Beyonce type leotards and heels everywhere I went. I may even do that if I don't make my goal weight. So you're welcome.
                                                             Coming Soon:

3. And here's my favorite: Get Doll Making Supplies. This could be because I mentioned that I liked to knit and craft. Or it could be all the "SO WHAT IF I MAKE HAIR DOLLS OF YOU" jokes have finally come back to bite me. (I don't make hair dolls by the way...but the idea is funny and creepy. Mainly creepy.)

Maybe I need to start writing about spicier things so my ads get more hardcore. It probably doesn't help that I occasionally mention the "Golden Girls." I'll start writing about motorcycles and needles and punching people in the face. 

On that note. Hugs and kisses and high fives for Valentine's Day. 

Love, 

--A

(After I posted this all the ads became about V. Day--but please note the ads above were truly there...)Ahhthank you. 

DJ Jazzy Jones-- I immediately regret this blog title...

I've been working on making this blog lay out a little more jazzy. I've tried a couple different lay outs and I feel like this one is a keeper. OR IS IT?! Let me know if you have any suggestions on fun sites, ideas, etc.

I also would like to point your attention to the new header. By no means did I pick out the cutest pictures from my childhood. Those selected above were strictly to show how incredibly awkward I have grown thru the years. If you look at the turtle neck picture below you will notice the following:

1. My hair is wind blown-- or unbrushed--however you'd like to put it. 
2. I have beautifully trimmed bangs that frame my chubby face in charming manner. 
3. I have marker on my hands from a busy day of coloring, cutting, and pasting. And writing angry letters to my  Congressman about the quality of crayons in our school systems. 
4. If you look even closer I have a chocolate milk mustache from lunch. 
5. I'm also wearing my Elizabeth Taylor like earrings--one is a tea pot the other a tea cup. I only wore those for special occasions. 
6. Note also the classy Greek column. 
7. And finally that lovely white mock turtle neck that truly accentuates my girlish frame. And by girlish I meant pilsbury doughish. 

When my mom saw this new introduction to the blog she was mortified that I had displayed my less flattering photos. She then suggested other pictures I could have included. However I said "Nay Mama! These truly personify my true character." She then told me if I didn't get to steppin' and clean my room by a 11am I'd be out on the street. 

Sooooo as you can imagine I need to get going otherwise I'll be writing these blogs permanently from a Panera booth which then doubles as my bed. 

--A 

Ben...

A little mouse update for you all. He's still here. I thought he was gone. I hadn't seen him for days and then yesterday home boy peeked his little self out and chilled on the car port for a good 2 hours. Just literally hung out in the snow like it was no big deal.

Last week when we found him I thought he was pretty harmless. He still scared me every time I saw his mouse mug scurrying across our driveway but I dealt with him. Sometimes I'd even sing him this little diddy. Now when I see him I sing him this.

Also the mystery of Gary Potential Glasseye has been solved. After voicing my concerns to my grandma who dealt with him as well she confirmed that much like her cousin who once was a jockey, the mouse trap maverick himself did in fact have a glass eye. This then proceeded to lead me back down the road of imagination with this little guy as the star:

I promise to keep you up to date as this problem continues. I'm letting you all know right now that should my front yard turn into this scene I'm leaving the state of Virginia. 

--A

SNOWTORIOUS B.I.G.

I live in Virginia. Which means that every winter we get about 6'' total. Sometimes a little extra but never more than 2ish snow "storms." This winter however there seems to have been a change of heart from Mother Nature because VA has been slammed with this white crap. This past weekend's blizzard (and I say this past weekend's because there have been several) was deemed "Snowtorious B.I.G." by some genius in the area. I wish I could take credit for it because many know how much I love and frequently jam to Biggie.  (No but seriously I saw "Notorious" the second day it was released).

Due to this past snow's pet name I now envision Mother Nature looking like this:

Just tossing snow on hoes like it's dollar bills son.............

That long ellipses was me continuing to fantasize about mother nature actually being Biggie. With a little Puff Daddy dancing in the backround. Stop for a minute and just let that image take over you.

Because of all this snow I've been stuck at home with my roommates Tim, Barb, and Helen. Many of you may know them as my dad, mom, and grandma but I digress. Essentially all I did this past weekend was sleep, eat, sleep again, watch tv, read...and thennnnn I did the most mundane activity I've ever done in order to pass the time. I attempted to unknot a yarn ball that I somehow had gotten to an out of control state. I believe I sat on my bed during the full two episodes of "Gilmore Girls" on Soapnet trying to untangle this ball of yarn. TWO HOURS.

What has my life become when my Saturday consisted of unknotting yarn. I should not be acting like these ladies at the age of 23:

I guess I could blame my Saturday activity on Snowtorious...although I have always fancied myself a Rose AND have been known to knit away on Friday and Saturday nights. Perhaps I shouldn't have admitted that.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that this weather has led me to boring tasks that I normally would have no patience for. I don't enjoy these mountains of white. However if I was Lindsay Lohan I'd be thrilled at the prospect of 12 inches of "snow." GET IT?! A COCAINE JOKE...BECAUSE SHE LIKES COCAINE....AND SOMETIMES THAT'S CALLED SNOW....ANDDDDD.....

We're supposed to get another 10 or so inches today and tomorrow piled on top of the 2 feet we already have. Awesome.

My next blog post will probably be how I started carving a hole in my wall to escape like I'm in Shawshank.

Does anyone know where I can get this outfit so I can make it more realistic?

Hopefully everyone is staying warm and sane.

--A

There are no cats in America...

My roommate Barb, also known as my mom, will probably kill me for this post but I find it necessary to share.

Let me preface this story by saying this:

Our house is clean. Really clean. We're not hobos. We don't leave trash bins open outside our house...unless I'm making my weekly trashcan fire to roast marshmellows.

Yet somehow we have a mouse. Yes that's right. A mouse.

Hanging out on our carport like he owns the place. Let me tell you something it is the most nervewracking experience ever. I don't know why. It's not like this mouse is Jigsaw waiting to bring us to some cellar to "play a game" but you never know where he's going to pop out of and make a break for it. 

I think if the little dude looked like this:

I'd be more comfortable with the situation...but he doesn't so I'm not.

Not to mention the guy that was sent to take care of him was perhaps the creepiest person I've come across in quite sometime. He had TWO lazy eyes...TWO. And I'm not positive when I say this but I think that one of them was made of glass. Which then makes me think that he had past altercations with other Stuart Littles and now his glass eye is all he has to show for it. You've seen Stuart. He has that jazzy red convertible. God only knows how fast that thing can go when he's being pursued.

It's been about 24 hours since Wonky Eyed McGee came to the house and I haven't seen him. So hopefully we are rid of that situation. I hope so because I can't live in fear of my carport anymore. That's where my sodas are.

Hope everyone is staying warm with all this snow.

Here are a few links that I've found thru my favorite sites. Enjoy!

--A

Stranger Danger

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...

Btwn 2 Ferns

Hamm and Bubbly

The Mike Omeara Show--it's fantastic check it out.