I'm not trying to convert you...

So the other day I posted a link to the blog on my gchat status. I apparently spelled it www.ashleyjonesy.blogpsot.com. According to my two friends both named Kristin (well one is a KristEn but...IT'S STILL WEIRD) THAT link takes you to azt.com the "mega site of Bible studies." 


The headline of the website is: 


If YOU have ANY concern about your future on earth + eternity, it is critical you read this page. 


I mean I do have concern about the future of earth...but just that it ends in 2012. Sorry if anyone clicked on that link and thought I was trying to convert you. I was not. 


Just wanted to clarify. 


Love, 

Jones

The Daily What

I literally just giggled out loud at this little comic on The Daily What

I need to know what you think

Helllllooooo Nuggets.

Things have been really busy lately which is strange because well they normally aren't. But I got a second job...again. This baby isn't going to raise itself. But I refuse to neglect the blog. It's one of the only things on my Spicy List I've been faithfully sticking to and I'm not going to let a little addition to my schedule mess it all up.

This weekend I had a day off so I went to Charlottesville, VA for my good friend Lauren's birthday and Foxfield (a baller horse race orrrr a field party with horses).

It was literally one of the best weekends ever.

I met  a new friend: 

Photo bombed some photos: 

Robbed my new friend for his wallet: 

Hung out with this loser for the day

Took my new favorite photo

Went out bought a hat and held the F onto it

 I had a SPLENDID time this weekend but I have a very important question to ask everyone. 

Does my braid look more like a rat tail? 

I mean I know they generally are down one's back and accompany a shaved head but I remain concerned. 

 Lauren and Fran have both assured me that it does not but I have distinct feeling it's a little too thin and I should never wear my hair as such again. 

Your comments and concerns are welcomed, nay suggested. 

Hope you all are having a superb week so far! 

Love, 

Jones

P.S. Kristin Lake is the bees knees and was also there. She also graciously drove us around and let us eat some baller cookies. The end. 

Oh brother...

Dear Gym,

Hey...it's me Jones. We haven't been on the best of terms lately. I know that I haven't called and have been ignoring you but I've been in a funk. I keep thinking about my best friend's wedding and the dress I'm wearing and how I'm going to look hella-chunk and I'm just overwhelmed. Because of that looming thought of looking 20 lbs lighter I eat massive quantities to sabotage my plan and end up looking like Gilbert Grape's mom.

I give myself a goal every week to stay away from all fried foods. After about 3 days I start getting a little Tom Seizmore-ish from Sober House and just break down and eat like waffle fries or an egg roll. I've given myself goals to cook...and I do it one day and feel so accomplished and just tucker out for the rest of the week. It's like I have zero will power and because of that I lack the motivation I was developing to attend your facilities.

You (Gym) are like the Dr. Drew for me, except less attractive and more smelly, and I need to figure out how to break out from this rut. I've started reading this blog In It To Gym It (recommended by my friend Robyn who also has a great blog) and it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one that struggles.

I did receive a call from my Gym Boyfriend yesterday. And by call I mean he called because I'm pretty sure it's mandated by Lifetime Fitness to call all members they signed up who haven't shown up in like a month. But he did say I could talk to him personally (which I took to mean make out with by the treadmill) whenever I needed to. He also called me "Ash" when he said good-bye so I've set our wedding date and have the details already in place. Perhaps that is jumping the gun...but I mean you can't fight a love like ours.

With all this frustration and that boost from GB (Gym Boyfriend) yesterday I think that the only way to overcome this funk is to return to your open arms again Gym.

Don't expect me to be in a good mood.

Love,

Jones

It's letter week on Oh Jones...

Dear Earth,

Hey...it's me Jones. I just wanted to write you a little note regarding this whole world ending in 2012 fiasco.

Here's the deal if that could NOT HAPPEN I'd be really grateful. I've got a lot to do in my life and it's going to take longer than 2 years for those things to happen. For example, I need to find a boyfriend who will then marry me so I can then have a kid that is as equally as weird as me. I can't make that happen in two years. I can barely take care of myself right now let alone a baby. This morning instead of putting on lotion that I tend to use everyday I (without double checking) used Dove Lotion for Men that my dad uses and now smell like dude. Not to mention I'm going to need a little extra time for Sam Poueu to get to know me.

As I've mentioned before I'd also like to meet every member of *NSYNC and seeing as Chris Kirkpatrick might actually live in Iceland because that's the only place he'd still be considered a superstar I'm gonna need that to be a functioning place, preferably not filled with liquid hot magma.

I have other things that I'd like to do too. Traveling would be nice. However with this monster you're unleashing  it's making that difficult. If things continue down this path I won't be able to go anywhere. 

According to various sources, celebrities are being grounded everywhere due to this ash. Brad Pitt isn't able to travel! Selena Gomez is stuck in London! MILEY AND LIAM COULDN'T GO TO THEIR LONDON PREMIERE. You know how I love my celebs Mutha Nature. I can't have these sort of delays. How will I know what Brad and his scraggly beard are doing if they aren't state side? 

I generally look like this:

When I heard there was an erupting volcano I looked like this: 

That's right, I aged like 25 years and changed outfits.

Then I saw pictures of this monstrosity:   

Um...lightning in a volcano? If you throw a few spiders in there add sharks falling from the sky and threat of having a sit down lunch with Carrot Top you have officially found my worst nightmare. 

(Sidnote doesn't this kind of resemble the scene in "Aladdin" when the lion comes out of the sand? Example below)

Perhaps you are trying to rid yourself of the Snowtorious B.I.G. image and think of something more edgier and hip,ash-tronomical even but I'm all set Mother Nature.

My fear of the world ending in 2012 is growing by the day. I'll do whatever you want to make this stop. I'll use recycled bags, I'll volunteer at oil spill sites, I'll adopt a highway, Orca whale, whatever the F you want.

Just knock it off OK?

Love,

Jones

P.S. If it's not too much to ask the pollen count this year is really high-- I'm pushing my luck? OK forget I mentioned it.

I ain't an ATM but I AM money!

I loved two of the sketches from Saturday soooo I thought I'd share.



&

Open letter to Ke$ha...

Dear Ke$ha,

Last night you were on my favorite show "Saturday Night Live" and I was open to the idea. I generally find you to be pretty annoying and trashy...which is probably why my ginger friend & Cowboys fan Ellen enjoys you so, but I thought that I would give you a shot. Perhaps you'd be great.

Let me start by saying on premise alone I can support someone who wakes up every morning like P. Diddy. I don't really see how it is great for your dental health to brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack but I mean whatever sometimes I eat a cupcake for breakfast. We all have our vices Ke$ha.



When you came on stage I was immediately annoyed by you. You wore a one piece silver jumpsuit. Really? JLO did that on New Years Eve, and looked cooler than you, and she fell dude. You tried to sing acapella which is literally only cool when Andy Bernard does it. Boom roasted.
Then some weird astronauts were behind you. They were actually pretty funny so I'll give you a pass on that. You started doing the robot which I literally love. I do it all the time. Here's me and my friend Rachel doing the robot in front of Abe Lincoln in DC.

But you killed it Ke$ha. You just kept going. You wouldn't stop. Why? Why would you take something so awesome and ruin it like that for me? I mean trust that I will literally never stop doing the robe, but in moderation homie.

Later you sang "Your Love is my Drug." You looked like this: 

.........................seriously? 

I mean I'm sure if you sounded better, and didn't bash other artists on the regular for being poor live performers, I could semi dig it. But I must say I'd prefer Britney Spears's fake singing to your live voice. I believe that I could do those same moves, and sound about the same. If things get boring I may try it out and post it up here. 

I feel like you're the girl at the party that will do the most crazy/icky/insane/hardcore thing to get attention and those girls always freaked me the f out. 

I also don't care for the fact you always talk about the way you smell. If you smell bad, you don't brag about that or announce it, you hop in the GD shower and take care of the stench. I would literally bathe in bleach not tell MTV. 

MTV Shows

Also...I'm going to start calling you Keisha because I think that it's really lame that you have a $ in the middle of your name. 

You stunk up my favorite show (which I  know many people will say that it stinks by itself but you hush your trash mouth because I still find it hilarious). We part ways here Keisha. 

Good day. 

I SAID GOOD DAY. 

-Jones

P.S. I apologize for the rage...but I feel that my beef with Keisha needed to be made public. 

Comments!

Hello Nuggets!

I'm currently writing blog posts for the week but I just wanted to thank you all for your comments. I love them.

I also love that you are fan paging it up on Facebook and you know the more you follow me on here the better!

I'm trying to snazz this thing up so any recommendations or suggestions you have are welcome.

Ya'll are the bees knees.

-Jones

Tuesday! Tuesday! Tuesday!

I've tweeted this before, because yes I'm also on Twitter and a social media skank, but I thought I'd take it to the blog. Then maybe later to the streets. We'll see, I've got a lot on my plate tonight...and by that I mean there's a lot for me to watch on TV tonight.

*ahem* 

&

"The Biggest Loser"

Back to the point: I get the most random songs and jingles stuck in my head on a daily basis. Usually it's the Charlestown Races and Slots theme song or the Eastern Motors Commercial (where your job is your credit.) 

Today, was the jam that frequents my brain the most: 

Now down, down, do your dance and have a fantastic evening!

--Jones

My life will soon be complete again!

http://www.popeater.com/2010/04/12/conan-o-brien-tbs/

And he's returning during my birthday month. Evennnnn better.

--Jones

I have a little problem with follow up...

The whole point of me declaring that I would write a daily thought was to actually write daily thoughts. It has been like 4 days and I have failed. I will do better. Promise.

With that I give you my thought/ concern for the day:

Friday I jokingly mentioned that I was coming down with "Beiber Fever" regarding this Justin Beiber character. I stress jokingly.

Now after watching him on SNL last night I think it may be true...I think I may be enjoying Justin Beiber. I'm embarrassed. I'm 23 I can't get away with it. I need to cool my jets. Watching the Disney Channel is one thing...buying Justin Beiber songs and having them stuck in my head daily is another. I will fight this.

Side note: Did anyone watch SNL last night? Why am I asking? Oh just because my favorite person/idol/person I aspire to be was the host.

TINA MOTHER F'IN FEY. 


We are esssennnntiallllly the same person. 


Her character Liz Lemon (who is based on her)  loves sandwiches. I love sandwiches. 
She also loves food covered in fake cheese. I love food covered in fake cheese. 
She loves TV. I love TV.
She was the first female head writer on SNL and wrote "Mean Girls." I quote "Mean Girls" ALL THE TIME. 
She's super funny. I got jokes. 
She lives in New York City. I live in her apartment under her bed in New York City on the weekends! 


SO MANY SIMILARITIES! 


If you have 9 minutes you can watch the "Best of Liz Lemon" the best character on television below: 





Alrighty. 


On that note. 


Good night! 


-Jones

Sassy Gay Friend...

I've heard from several people (first from my friend Katie) about Sassy Gay Friend. Today I looked it up andddd I can't stop laughing.

Enjoy!

I don't like the term hump day...

To me it is icky. I don't really even like the word hump if we're being honest. It gives me the creeps. So does the word moist. If you think it a cake it moist--just say it's good because if you say it's moist I'm not gonna want to eat it. And I love cake. Same rule applies with cookies and cupcakes. Keep it to yourself. I'm all set.

However, Wednesdays are sometimes a drag as they are right in the middle of the week. In case you didn't know: it's Monday, then Tuesday, then WEDNESDAY! thursdayfridaysaturdaysunday.

I'm an idiot.

This morning I got dressed, because I decided the birthday suit would be more of a casual Friday occasion, and walked out the door, (not shimming down the drain pipe as per usual) and thought of today as any other. However, it was not.

When I got to work a lady told me my sweater was inside out. Now, as many of you know I'm not a skinny mini. Sooo the idea of my tag hanging out mortified me. Luckily it was early so my friends at work that would mercilessly make fun of me ( you two know who you are) couldn't point it out. As a matter of fact they wouldn't have pointed it out and just giggled and pointed.

(Insert my new favorite sound effect that I found courtesy of the EW.com's recap of last night's "Biggest Loser")

I blame Wednesday. I firmly believe that if it was Thursday this wouldn't have happened. Friday it definitely wouldn't happen because well...see above...that's my birthday suit day. You're welcome co-workers.

It's all been down hill from there. Hopefully my day will improve.

I am going to Chipotle so that'll make it a little better.

I may open a restaurant called: I Don't Care For Wednesdays. I.D.C.F.W.

It's not as catchy as T.G. I. Fridays but it'll have killer drink specials and real good food.

I'm gonna look into that.

--Jones

Odds & Ends

So I want to make this a more daily thing instead of just long posts 1 or 2 times a week. So I thought I would make a daily thought post. I think of weird things (not like morbid or graphic) that I shall share. I don't know why I thought you'd assume my daily thoughts would be morbid or graphic as I do not write about such things but I digress.

Also I created a fan page on the Facebook as my grandma would call it. Stop by leave and some comments. Or even become a follower here. You don't need to be a member of Blogger. If you have AIM, a Google account, Yahoo mail, etc. you can follow.

Hope everyone is having a great day. It's so nice outside.

--Jones

My Bon Qui Qui moment...

After my hellacious day in driver improvement with Satan I had plans to see Chelsea Handler with my friend Apes. We got there a little late due to difficulty navigating DC traffic. When we got there Chelsea had been on for like 10 minutes so the theater was dark. We were shown our seats however it seemed as though some heifers were in them. Usually I wouldn't refer to nice people accidentally sitting our seats heifers but these women sucked thus the title of heifs. 


 The best way to describe their appearance is to include a picture of the Gap Girls: 

The girl that sat next to me looked most like the Chris Farley character. Instead of double fisting french fries she was double fisting drinks. She also found it necessary to lean over on me to get her point across that she wanted us to move. 


Her friend that actually ended up yelling at us looked more the David Spade character. Here's how it went down. 


David Spade and Chris Farley were sitting in two seats that Apes and I assumed were ours. However, Usher (I could say the usher but I'd like to pretend Usher Raymond was the one showing us to our seats) told them to move and sit in the row below and told us to sit there as well. Somehow David and Chris had two other friends appear out of thin air. They then told us they needed another two seats...and rudely asked if we should be sitting there. I suppose they thought we were seat stealing. However, we were just following instructions. 


I said "Yes this is where Usher told us  to sit." 




They then went into what can only be described as drunken hysteria. I tried ignoring them and watched Chelsea but Chris Farley and David Spade kept tapping me on the shoulder. I politely looked over and said "Yes?" 


Then David Spade said the following with her finger in my face: 


"YOU NEED TO GO...LIKE F@!*ING LEAVE...WE NEED THESE SEATS. LEAVE." 




I believe my first reaction was this: 

"Do not get loud wit me..."

But then I don't know what came over me but I suddenly became so enraged. I'm pretty sure I looked like this: 

I believe these were the words that came out of my mouth (I say believe because it was like a mini rage black out): 

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO F$#*ING RUDE. YOU COULD HAVE JUST ASKED NICELY. WE WERE TOLD TO SIT HERE. WE'LL F$*@ING MOVE. HAVE A GREAT EVENING."

We then moved our seats and April gave them the death stare for a good 15 minutes. After the show was over we listened to one of them talk about how her night was ruined and how she didn't have any money to go out to the clubs. 

Apes and I thought it was best to keep that warlock caged anyway as she was quite disgusting. 

I normally don't lose my cool like that. I mean I have yelled before but not very often does it come from sheer rage. I felt so much better after I unleashed the fury on David Spade. I think a lot of the anger came from being heckled by Marky Mark all day in Driver Improvement. Whatever the case it was my first Bon Qui Qui moment, and although I'm not proud of it...it kind of felt nice. I feel Chelsea Handler would have been pretty proud of me as well. 

Don't worry I won't be signing up for Mixed Martial Arts anytime soon to take out any left over aggression. If I did though I would need a cool name. Leave suggestions below. 

--Jones

P.S. For those of you who don't know who Bon Qui Qui is here's the video.

Driver Improvement

So your buddy Jones has a bit of speed problem. 


Like  in the car--not the drug. I could have worded that better. 


Let's proceed...


Last year I drove down to Farmville and Lynchburg Va a lot for various things: visiting friends and sorority sisters at LU, harvesting crops, doing things for my best friend's wedding, seeing the grandma that lives in Bedford, tending to my alpaca farm. The usual. Apparently while driving down there I peaked the fine officers of Ameila, Greene, and Amherst counties interest because they allllll pulled me over last year. Two times for speeding (once on my effing birthday which was also Thanksgiving this year) and once for failure to stop at a stop sign on the highway. 


I would like to point out that I drive a 2006 Honda Civic. Not this: 

Neither of my tickets were reckless, and the failure to stop charge was just frustrating. In my defense I thought it was a yield. The ladycop that looked like Paula Poundstone did not really feel like letting me off the hook nor did she tell me a good joke. 


So the DMV recently sent me a letter to tell me how poor my driving record was and suggested I take a defensive driving course to get some points back. 


I didn't think that was so bad so I signed up to take on this past Saturday in Springfield. The class was from 8 AM to 4:30 PM so I was prepared to have zero fun but still learn a little something about how to become a better driver. 


Boy was I wrong. 


I walked in and sat in the back of the class. I sat in between 2 people which was actually my best choice of the day because they were also a little bit judgey and found humor in the same things I did. 


When I saw the instructor I knew that he looked familiar but couldn't figure out why. At first I thought it was his resemblance to Abe Lincoln but then I remembered he was the scary substitute for my AP US History class aka the bane of my existence. 


He told us his name was Mark and that he was 67 years old. What he failed to mention was that he would be the most unpleasant man to spend a Saturday with. 


As many of you know I am very traumatized by the fact that I had horrible hair from 5th to 8th-ish grade. I was called son a lot and hated it. Now that I have long luscious locks that doesn't happen anymore. Well it didn't happen until Saturday when Marky Mark referred to me as "Sir". I was mortified. He said it front of the whole class. I had flashbacks to Poe Middle School and immediately resented him. 


Once he realized his mistake he said his oversight was due to the fact that I was wearing a baseball hat and my head was down. Um--how about the fact that we had a small conversation 2 minutes before when he clearly knew I was a woman. 


I could understand if I was wearing my usual Saturday get up: full tuxedo, top hat, monacle, and mustache, and cane. I like to look like Mr. Peanut. 

But apparently me wearing a baseball hat magically made me dude like. After I reassured myself  I shouldn't change my name to Manly Antoinette Jones, I realized that I wasn't going to be the only one he offended during the day. 

There was a class full of all different people of all different races and ethnicities. I believe I was the only one that was thought of us a male and female but I digress. 

There was man who was from Pakistan. He was older and sat in the front of the class and like me had received a bunch of infractions in a small period of time. Marky Mark asked him the following question out of the blue (again in front of the whole class): 

"So what's your job --do you drive a cab?" 

Pump the brakes Mark. The guy was actually a journalist who spoke several languages. Mark later made remarks like this: 

"Do you know why pot is illegal in the United States? Well in the 1930's Mexicans were planting it along the highways  so they made it illegal to keep them out." 

"EXCUSE ME SIR--DO YA SPEAK ENGLISH?" (That was said to a legitimate sir--not me)

"MA'AM DO YOU WEIGHT ABOUT 100 POUNDS?"

Shyeah. He was one of the most offensive people I have ever met. He then asked us to write down our infractions so he could know what to focus on. He asked us to make it anonymous as he did not want to call us out. He then proceeded to ask "who wrote eluding the police"(because yeah there was someone in the class for that) and "Was 20 over reckless--how many of ya got reckless?" 

After he told us we should always go to court and contest the tickets he then told us all the rules of the road in Europe. He frequently asked if people in the class had been to South Africa, Finland, or Egypt. Seeing as the majority of the people in the class were under the age of 20 my guess would be no. Teens aren't really looking to be wild & crazy kids on Spring Break in the raging country of Finland. 

He also told us terrifying facts--the most haunting being: 


"Don't ever drive on a full bladdah. If you do and then ya crash ya bladdah will explode inside ya...and you'll probably die."


Yeah let that thought marinate for awhile. I literally wanted to burst out of the class and speed home just to get away from him. 


However, the people watching in the class was top notch. For instance one man sat in the front and picked his nose for a good 15 minutes. Three other people had taken the course 3-4 times. One guy had a spit cup for his dip (he sat right in front of me...it took all that I had not to propose on the spot). Another gentleman drove a work van for no apparent reason as he told us his occupation was "running poker games." I guess selling candy to children and/or having a portable meth lab were side jobs. There were also little notes that people wrote on the tables for future students. A time capsule if you will. Some were quite poetic. Here is my favorite: 


 "Got money...for blow" 


Touching. Tugs right on the heart strings. 


Needless to say I passed the test with a 96% and was given 5+ points back. My goal is to never ever ever EVERRRR have to go back to that class again. 


I was pretty traumatized by the whole experience and even though my goal has always been to be like Michelle Rodriguez's character in "The Fast and the Furious" I'll somehow find a new role model. Perhaps Ms. Daisy so I won't even be behind the wheel. 


Stay tuned for when I explain how I got real hood real fast with strangers who were being rude. 


--Jones