Rage Monster

I have been quite grumpy lately. Kind of like a rage monster.  Just a lot going on in the old noggin. Although I've been trying to snap myself out of it --it's been quite difficult.

Strangely enough this episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" isn't as mindless and soothing as it usually is. There's a lot of screaming and I don't do well with loud noises. I believe I've mentioned this before - I'm a huge baby.

But I digress.

I was reading my favorite blog "Hyperbole and Half" and she literally mapped out some of my days lately. She called it the Sneaky Hate Spiral. I thought I should repost it here so other rage monsters like me wouldn't feel so alone. She's my idol.

Sneaky Hate Spiral by Allie

Most of the time, I'm pretty even-tempered.  Aside from the odd nervous breakdown or caffeine-induced bliss-seizure, I have the emotional variation of sand.  However, every once in a great while, I'll lapse into what I like to call a "sneaky hate spiral."

The buildup: 

Sneaky hate spirals begin simply enough.  In fact, that is one of the hallmarks of sneaky hate spirals - they are merely the confluence of many unremarkable annoyances.

Your day begins poorly.

Before you've had a chance to recover from your unpleasant awakening, you are pummeled by a series of unfortunate events.  There are probably some loud and/or persistent sounds mixed in there, too. 

The little frustrations start to happen more quickly.  They ping against your psyche like hundreds of tiny pebbles.  

Eventually, the sum of the small annoyances begins to exceed your capacity for patience and rational thought.  All it would take to send you over the edge into a bottomless pit of angry hysteria is just one more tiny, little thing...

The turning point:

The turning point is usually a minor but slightly jarring incident, initiated by some force of nature that cannot be blamed or scolded - like gravity or sleeplessness or wind.  That last specification is very important.  In order to send you into truly batshit crazy hysterics, the final straw must cause anger that cannot rationally be directed outward in any way.

Your worn patience plus the inability to blame anything for your misery causes a chain reaction to take place inside of you.

The rage enters your body, but cannot exit through either the blame or personal responsibility pathways. It therefore must travel to the very center of you where it will fester and eventually rupture.  

Chaos:

When enough anger and hatred has accumulated inside of you, it will rupture through your pathetic sense of integrity and start spewing outwardly as if you are some sort of rage sprinkler, spraying your putrid hate all over anything that comes near you.   

You are officially out of control.   At this late stage, there is no way around it.  You are simply a helpless passenger in your psychotic war-machine of a body.  

Love, 

Jones

Friends Don't Let Friends

Rollerblade. And here's why: 

This past weekend I went to visit my bff and sorority sister Heather. We literally did our nails and dyed each other's hair. A typical girly weekend. Then on Sunday she dropped a bombshell. 

She wanted to purchase some rollerblades for the Summer as it would a fantastic work out. 

..................

After staring blankly at her I asked her if she was serious. 

She said "Well yeah." 

I then replied:

"You're right it will be a fantastic work out. Rollerblading back to 1994 when rollerblading was cool will be quite exhausting."

(Side Note: I googled rollerblades and this came up circa 1991)

Perhaps this was a harsh comment. A dream crusher if you will. But I could not let her go on thinking that this activity was by any means an awesome way to spend your day in 2010. I didn't even look cool doing it as a kid. Shocking I know. 

I asked nay BEGGED Barb and Tim for some blades. I may have even called them that. In my head it was completely logical for my chunk self to mobilize on 8 wheels. Barb Jones not wanting her only child  to sustain injuries purchased every pad known to man, child, and dinosaur for me to wear. If there were protective pads for my eyebrows we probably purchased them. 

Shin guards -check.

Knee Pads- check. 

Wrist guards-check. 

Elbow pads-check. 

Helmet-check.

Dignity- Buellerrr? Bueller? 

By the time I had on all my gear I couldn't reach my feet to put my blades on. If I could actually accomplish that getting up was that much harder. Every time I'd get settled enough to get up on both legs a skate would go out and I'd be back on the floor. By the time I made it out to the street I was exhausted (and potentially crying). 

One day I decided to "skate" over to my best friend's apartment. It was in the same complex as my babysitter so I thought it would be the perfect activity for an afternoon. So after I huffed and puffed and potentially blew a hammy I made it. When I knocked on the door her little sister answered the door and literally started cackling at me. I think her words were "You look stupid." If I remember correctly that was not the answer I was expecting to get when I asked "Is your sister home?" Although to be fair it probably was muffled by my sweat, tears, and mouth guard.

You can't come back from being mocked by a 5 year old. I mean normal people can but I'm a big baby and vowed never  to skate again. I think I also said " No you look stupid" but whatever that's not the point. 

There is no reason to rollerblade in 2010. There are plenty of cool new things to do to get a good workout. Why dwell on the past? 

Don't do it. 

Just don't ok?

Love, 

Jones

The Chronicles of an Awkward Monster
By Ashley A. Jones

• In 7th grade I went to the high school football game. I was a heifer and wanted a piece of pizza so Tim Jones gave me $5 to go get it. Because of my heif status I ate it before I got back to my seat. Naturally I wanted to do good in Captain Planet's name and help the environment so I threw my trash away in the HA-UGE dumpster. As I was throwing away said plate I also threw away Tim's change. I couldn't let that happen so I reached in with all my might to get my $$$. During that process I essentially took a dumpster dive and fell into the trashcan while the lid closed over me with my legs hanging out. Two older guys, presumably who already attended Annandale High School (home of the Annandale ATOMS) saw me and said, "Oh Sh!t that girls in t he the trashcan!" Clearly it was a school made of geniuses. 

• In 10th grade I was admiring my two freshly french braided pigtails in a passing window when I ran straight into the door frame. 

• I had the biggest crush on this kid in high school who would catch me staring at him all the time. I literally couldn't even speak to him he made me so nervous. Sometimes I would just gasp turn on my heel and walk in the other direction which clearly wasn't obvious. 

• One time I wore khakis and a vest to a 9th grade New Year's Eve party and refused to play spin the bottle because I thought my mom would find out. I'm surprised I didn't have a Bible and holy water to throw on people. I should have just worn my headgear to that party too...it would have completed the ensemble.

• I once gave an awkward high five to my gym boyfriend. And talked to him once with the worst dry mouth ever while on the treadmill. I'm pretty sure I looked like Fire Marshall Bill. 

• Just last week a precious and I mean PRECIOUS boy came into the office looking for my boss. He'd come to see her a few times and she'd never been there and we made small talk. Then finally I thought I'd formally introduce myself to this little stud muffin--righhhht after I had touched my Starbucks cup dripping with condensation. As I went to shake his hand I  realized that mine was soaking wet. I then turned into robot mode and I think these were the words that came out of my mouth, "Hands aren't sweaty...just touched cup." Then my elbow bumped into my cup anddd knocked it over. I haven't seen him since so I'm just convinced he went to Jared to start designing the ring he will soon propose to me with. 

• Yesterday my friend brought me a chocolate covered strawberry. Naturally I scarfed it. I also dropped some down my dress not noticing it left a chocolate trail down my chest. (I was wearing a scoop neck even though it was topless Thursday.) I didn't realize it until after I had a full conversation with my boss as well as stopping to talk with some of my co-workers. So...that's awesome. 

I'm off to embarrass myself some more--because let's face it as soon as I get up from my desk I will no doubt do something mortifying. 

Awkwardly yours, 

Jonesy

This sounds wonderful

My best friend Sara told me about this site:

 http://knowledgeislove.tumblr.com

It's simply wonderful...even though I don't understand Tumblr. 

I feel like an 80 yr old woman when I try to search for things...

"Were...how do I? This damn technology....This doesn't make any sense....let me get my glasses." 

Anyway this was one of the posts from Knowledge and it just sounds like the perfect date (take note Sam Poueu...take NOTE): 

Love, 

Jonesy

Congratulationsssss to Frank!

Many of you know my friend Fran (aka Frank). She's my little nugget seen below: 

Welllllll she took her test to become an American citizen this morning anddddddd

SHE PASSED!!!!!!!

WAY TO GO FRANK! 

Love, 

Jones

It's taking over...

This blogging thing has become an epidemic. Two of my friends started blogs this week so I thought since they had been gracious enough to whore my blog out I will do the same for them!

My friend Stef just moved to Wilmington, NC after graduating from JMU with her Masters! (Insert lasso here) Check her out: http://mancusomonologues.blogspot.com

Then my ginger friend Ellen started one about creepier people than her in DC. I never thought there were creepier people than her but I digress.Enjoy her mildly offensive blog here: http://peoplecreepierthanmeindc.blogspot.com/
(I say mildly offensive because anything out of her Gingy mouth can be construed as such.)

Enjoy!

Jonesy

There's a show down going on in my house

I'm currently on the quest for my collar bones. I know they exist. I just don't know where they are. I successfully haven't had any fried food in a week. I''ve only punched 3ish people and they seem to be recuperating quite well. I'm not being 100% awesome by any means with this diet life change but I'm taking baby steps to get in the habit of being healthier. I'm failing miserably it seems. I feel like I should be updating you on wonderful celery recipes, and telling you how much water I drank to feel full by now but I'm struggling.  

After I walked in after dog sitting for a week these were sitting on the kitchen counter: 

GD CINNABONS

Luckily I've been able to resist them. I want one so badly. But I also want to see my collar bones. Some days I 'm able to resist all temptation then others I find myself eating Frito's like a zombie in my kitchen without even thinking about it.

I have a lot of support and I'm really thankful for it. I just love food so much. Everything about it is wonderful. It's what I look forward to. 

What I really need is Jillian Michaels to hide in my fridge, freezer and pantry and just jump out like a crazy monkey when I reach for something that has high fructose syrup or whatever she hates people eating. She may just hate it when people eat now that I think about it...

 It's a constant battle. One I'm ready to be done with. But I'm going to remain steadfast in me not eating the cinnamon goodness that is in my kitchen. 

I won't. I promise. 

No seriously. I won't. 

Love, 

Jones 

I like puns...

ODE TO STUFF by Ashley Jones

Hi Nuggets. 

I thought I'd give you a little rundown of some of my favorite things aka an Ode to Stuff:

Couch naps:

You will know when you find the perfect nap couch. For a long time I thought the only couch I'd ever truly love was the Gatzke's blue couch in their living room. I slept on that thing like it was my J-O-B. Then I met the couch of my dreams. 

It was the couch in my sorority's chapter room. I could only find that partial picture and it clearly doesn't do it justice but it was the best couch ever. I tear up just thinking about it. I recovered from my 21st birthday on that couch. 

Since graduating in 2008 I haven't had a quality couch nap. At the Jones ranch we have a leather couch. If you are a hard sleeper like me leather doesn't breath thus making it a very sweaty sleeping experience. Then this week I was dog sitting and was reintroduced to the couch nap. I have never slept better. I've been so exhausted from working a lot and today after lunch I came back and slept from 2:30 until 7:00. It was amazing. I woke up and felt like I had a productive day even though I was literally a hibernating bear. I don't know what makes couch naps so much better than naps in a bed but they are just wonderful. Wherever I move I'm making sure that I purchase a quality couch or have a neighbor with shoddy locks so I can sleep on theirs. 

Chipotle: 

Thank you Chipotle for being so awesome. You have literally stolen my heart. Maybe not stolen but made it larger because you aren't exactly the most healthy. You have so many options for burritos that I didn't know existed. A burrito in a bowl-a burrito in...a burrito. Ok it's only two options really buttt still delish. 

This Serenading Unicorn that my friend Shawn sent me: 

http://www.serenadingunicorn.com/?u=cz1ib3l6Mm1lbiZuPUZpZFRoZUtpZCZyPUFzaGxleSUyMEpvbmVz

Barb Jones: 

She's literally the bees knees and a fantastic roommate. She cooks dinner, makes my bed when I'm sick...allowed me to wear oven mits around Bed Bath & Beyond yesterday and still claimed me as her daughter. 

My friends:

This is rapidly becoming a cheese factory post and I apologize but they are wonderful. I feel super lucky to have wonderful people in my life. Not to mention they are hilarious. See above the Serenading Unicorn. 

I'm kind of tuckering out ...you'd think with a 5 hour nap I'd be rested but I guess it may be time to go back to sleep. I'm embarrassed. 

 Love, 

Jones