Best Fortune Ever...

Yesterday I went to Wegman's for lunch. 

I got a fortune cookie...because they are free. 

Either Brett Michaels is writing fortunes or someone just ripped off a Poison song: 

Not to forget, here are your lucky numbers and how you say cucumber: 

Part 2: Life is complete

After meeting Kris Allen I was pretty certain the day couldn't get much better. 

BUT IT DID. 

We ended up going to Union Square Park. 

There were so many crazies there that I was on people watching overload. 

For instance there were several...and I mean several roller bladers. 

Who I judged harshly might I add. 

Then these showed up:

Yes.

 People on moon shoes. 

They did some work out in the park. 

My best friend Sara met up with us and when describing where we were I literally said the following sentence:

"You're going to see a bunch of people on moon shoes...and a dude that looks like Billy Blanks from the Taebo DVDs. We're behind them." 

There were two fights. Old lady sunbathers. People methed out. 

It was an episode of "Intervention" at the park. 

I was in heaven. 

After eating Mexican food and convincing Bea she should go back to Nordstrom Rack to buy a purse she'd been thinking about all day, the coolest thing ever happened. 

I met my favorite blogger in the world: Michelle Collins. 

She writes and is the Managing Editor for bestweekever.tv and also a comedian. 

I've been reading her stuff everyday for the past two years and just really admire her. 

I don't cut locks of her hair or anything or have her social security number memorized 

but she was one of the inspirations for me to start this blog. 

As I was standing next to the racks I spotted her and started sweating...again. 

I really need to get that checked out.

I felt like such a stalker but I introduced myself and she was so freaking cool. 

She stopped and chatted with us and even took a picture with me.
We talked about blogs and ....stuff. It was just magical. 

I'm judging myself for how I posed.

No need for you to.  

It was just so neat/awesome/amazing to meet someone you admire a lot for their humor and talent and have them be THAT AWESOME in person. 

She said I wasn't creepy at all. 

But I know that I was and I appreciate her not making me feel like a total weirdo. 

This is starting to be a little "reach for the stars-ish" but I just love writing and

 meeting her was just so fantastic. 

Everything after that was just sunshine and rainbows. 

We went to this awesome burger place called Shake Shack.

If I could rent a room there and eat their french fries everyday I would. 

While we were waiting in line an old man stopped and told us we didn't need to eat there. 

He said with all seriousness: 

"Why wait in line when there's a perfectly good deli across the street? They have $5 subs that are huge."

We weren't in the mood for Subway. 

The weekend was perfect. 

.......

The End. 

Insert Jay-Z Lyrics Here...

This past weekend I went to visit my friend Bea in New York City. 

I found a round trip bus ticket for cheap and was off for the weekend. 

Let me start by saying that I do not do well on public transportation. 

I get really motion sick and sweat...it's awkward for me and whoever has the honor of sitting next to me. 

So leaving on a Friday from DC at 5:30 in rush hour traffic probably wasn't the best life choice I have ever made. 

I got a ticket for the Bolt Bus, which promises free wi-fi and plugs for you to charge your junk. 

That sounded a little icky. 

By plugs I mean outlets and by junk I mean technology.

I had this idea that I would be riding to NYC in style. 

Watching Instant Netflix on my charged computer.

Sipping tea. Twirling my handle bar mustache. 

However, when I went to plug my charger it didn't fit.

Despite all my efforts, and the fact that I looked like a chimp trying to solve a math problem, it wasn't going to happen. 

Resigned to the fact that it was just me and the iPod for the trip I settled in for the ride.

 

As we were in the thick of the traffic, and I was at the peak of my motion sickness I felt this hard thump on the top of my head. 

I suddenly transformed into Chicken Little. 

The sky was freaking falling. 

 It turns out some skank didn't secure her luggage like a normal human and her 

HARDCOVER BOOK fell out of her tote bag and onto my noggin. 

Convinced I had a concussion I texted my best friend Sara, who always the optimist said:

"THIS IS THE START OF YOUR ROMANTIC COMEDY!"

I then grouchily texted back something to the effect of: 

"Yeah well I also now know what it smells like if Taco Bell and Subway had a food baby, due to the two skanks sitting next to me eating tacos and a $5 footlong." 

Once the bus got rolling I calmed down and no longer felt ragey or barfy and was ready for NYC.

(Pulitzer prize here I come.)

Saturday was when the magic happened. 

I can only describe it as one of the coolest days of my life. 

Let's proceed. 

I have many secret shames, which I'm sure will be revealed at some point. 

A giant secret shame is my love for Kris Allen. 

I

Love 

Him

Bea and I have had a secret quest to meet him for about a year. We went to the American Idol's Live tour last year and failed miserably in meeting any of them. 

When I was planning my trip to visit, Bea informed me that Kris (we're on a first name basis) would be performing at Yankee's stadium for $5. 

As we were walking to the stadium so sweet lady handed us free tickets. 

Hello Heaven, it's me Ashley. Thanks for making that happen.

After Nick Cannon introduced him 

...(*crickets*)...

my little love bird performed a ballin' show. 

I just said ballin' in reference to Kris Allen. 

Let it happen. 

After the show we wandered for a bit and  decided to head back to the subway and hang out in Union Square park. 

Then Bea spotted Kris Allen's tour gear. 

Oh...I think you know where this is going friends. 

We hunkered down made friends with the road crew and discovered that Kris hadn't left yet and would be exiting shortly. 

Not wanting to be ill prepared for our potential meeting I practiced my "Hey I'm taking a picture with Kris Allen face": 

Then things started to get crazy

Like he actually showed up: 

Then when we finally elbowed the 10 year olds out of the way it was our turn to take a picture with him. 

Here's me telling him that I tweeted to him earlier in the day. 

Here's how the conversation went:

Jones: "I tweeted you earlier."

Kris: "Really? Well...what'd you say?"

Jones: "That we were hanging out."

Kris: "Oh."

Jones: "Can we take a funny picture together?"

Kris: "Sure."

Success.

I'm gonna let all this sink in and come back in seconds with more epicness. 

Love, 

Jones

Coming soon...

Sup thugs. 

I was feeling pretty lame. 

Nothing really interesting was happening. 

Just my usual day to day awkwardness. 

Then I went to NYC & it was EPICCCCCCCC. 

Yes, all those C's were necessary. 

I'm at work right now...so I can't really do it justice. 

Tonight I will tell you all about it. 

You should probably just cancel all your plans now. 

I'm severely over hyping this but trust that I shall return to tell you about it all. 

Love, 

Jonesy

Happy Birthday Memedoodle!!!

Today is my roommate's birthday. 

 Helen (otherwise known as Meme) is 77. 

She's also a ballerrrrr. 

Here's why: 

1. She will always beat you in arm wrestling. Always. 

2. She pinches harder than anyone I know. 

3. She will beat you in Rummy, UNO, & Go Fish

4. She plays Bejeweled

5. She makes the best potato salad ever.

6. She loves cheese more than I do. 

7. She wears tie-dye

8. She used to have a Gameboy

9. She gives me her scratch off tickets when she wins money so I have a few extra bucks in my pocket.

10. She's always down to share the Aussie fries with me.

She's awesome.

So Happy Birthday Roomie. 

Love, 

Jonesy

LAY OFF ME I'M STARVING

Hey. 

My name's Ashley and I love to eat. 

Since it's list week I bring you:

FOOD I WOULD PUNCH A BABY FOR!

To further explain this is the food that would literally cause me to punch a baby should it stand between me and said delicious awesome morsel.

Let's proceed. 

In my head when I type in such big font I imagine Rod Roddy from "Price is Right" introducing a new contestant. 

(R.I.P.)

Anyway.
The list.

*Ahem*

#7 Broiler Pizza

Broiler Pizza is this little place right in Arlington. It doesn't look like anything special from the outside but it is so good. It's thin crust and in a square and they put approximately 9 lbs. of cheese on their pizza. They also offer meatball as a topping.
Did I mention the meatballs were homemade?
Yes please.

Kevin James says exactly how I feel about eating pizza in a group best.
 (Around the 1:14 mark)
Panic truly sets in.

#6 Carousel Waterloo

My friend Bea introduced me to this little ice cream place in Warrenton, VA called Carousel. I didn't understand her desire to get ice cream from some place in VA when she was livin' the life in New York City.
Thennnn I went there.
They have this tasty treat on the menu called a Waterloo.
Get ready for your mind to be blown:
It's an ice cream sundae at the top and then a MILKSHAKE ON THE BOTTOM.
They have any flavor you could think of.
It was pretty intimidating the first time I ordered.
The intimidation may have caused me to wipe some sweat from my brow.
The teenager taking my order was judging me.
I got a some sort of cookies and cream concoction and it was amazing.
 The next time I'm going to be more adventurous with my order and trust:

#5 Macados Crazy Chris Wrap w/ chips and a pickle

I love buffalo chicken and wraps and ranch dressing and tomatoes and swiss cheese and if you put them altogether I'm a happy kid.
(I clearly would also love to have a heart attack based on those ingredients.)
We don't have Macado's in Northern Virginia and I miss it all the time.
Their menu is a scroll of sandwiches and appetizers.
It brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it.

#4  Aussie Cheese Fries 

There is 0 nutritional value in this pile of goodness.

Whenever we go to Outback I always beg Barb to order these fries.
She then says,
"Ash, if you get those you're not going to eat your dinner. Let's not ok?"
In response I suddenly morph into this:




Sometimes this outburst works in my favor.
Many times it does not.
Barb Jones does not take kindly to threats.

#3 My Mom's Chocolate Chip Pancakes

Yes folks my mom makes banging chocolate chip pancakes.
When it's announced that they are on the menu for Sunday breakfast I put on my eating pants and start stretching in preparation.
The last thing I need is to pull a muscle on a day such as chocolate chip pancake day. Generally with my pancakes comes eggs and super crispy bacon.
After this feast I lumber back to my room and sleep like a bear until dinner.
(I'm sure that revelation shocks you as I'm sure you thought I'd go on a run.)

#2 Cinnamon Rolls

These can be from Cinnabon, Costco, homemade or from a hobo and I will punt your child out of the way to eat one.
These are my kryptonite.
I can turn down donuts, I can even turn down most fried food (lately...we'll see how long it lasts), but if you put a cinnamon roll in front of me don't put your hands near my mouth because you will come back with a nub.
If you like ice cream might I suggest, Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Roll flavor.
 I also suggest that after you eat you get tested for diabetes but trust it'll be worth it. 

#1 Uncle Julio's Rio Grande

I believe I've mentioned my love of Rio Grande before. 

I could eat there every day. 

Every.

Single.

Day.

I'm not kidding you when I say that I have had dreams about their queso. 

I warn my friends that have never eaten there with me before that things might get crazy. 

When I eat there I have the focus of one of those competitive eaters. 

I think my eyes glaze over and I just morph into this gobbling monster. 

It's intense. 

And awesome. 

Do you have food that you love so much it may pose a threat to those around you should they stand in your way?

Or is that just me? 

Love, 

Jonesy

I hope I don't lose all respect for my taste in movies...

Some blogs I've read have "theme weeks" like lists, or letters, or lists....I've really done my research. So I thought I'd do a theme week...of lists. This week is clearly starting off with a bang.

There is a blog that morphed into a book called "The Book of Awesome." 

I was directed to it by one of the many blogs I read (which one is a mystery.)

 I'm on my GAME today.

One of the many awesome things they mention are movies that are like glue. A movie that literally sucks you into your TV whenever it's on. Here are my top 10 favorite glue movies.
Prepare to be amazed with their sheer cinematic integrity.

#10 Mermaids

My dad wanted to prove a point to cable companies that he did not NEED their 5 billion channels. During his strike to stick it to the cable man, I was left to watch only NBC, FOX, ABC, UPN and the WB if it wasn't cloudy.

 During that period I watched many an infomercial on Saturday and Sunday mornings. 

If it was "As Seen On TV" I could probably tell you all its features. I was a mini Billy Mays. 

 UPN would either play Mannequin or Mermaids every other weekend afternoon.

 Even though I was a fan of both I lovedddd Mermaids. 

Cher, mini Christina Ricci, Winona Ryder, and JAKE RYAN from Sixteen Candles!? 

Hello heaven. 

Did I mention that all Cher makes in this movie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner is food that can be served with a toothpick? Because she does and I was jealous. 

Still am actually.

#9 A League of Their Own

Tom Hanks in this movie is fantastic. 

It was also a staple movie to any girl who played softball in middle and high school. 

Especially if you kind of resembled the Rosie O'Donnell character for a little bit. 

#8 Selena

Bitty Bitty Bumba

Whenever this is on TBS I stop what I'm doing and watch. Every time I hope the ending is different.

I also spin the pizza tray around like she does to pick the right piece. I loved all of her outfits but considering my general awkwardness in 1997 when this movie was released it was best that I didn't invest in the same cow printed ensembles she rocked. I also forced my dad to buy this soundtrack for me so I could listen to it in my portable disc man. 

#7 Animal House

I'm an alien and haven't seen certain classic movies. I'm ashamed. 

(Back to the Future and Ghostbusters are on my Netflix queue as we speak. It's an embarrassing fact but I'm rectifying it so please stick with me. )

 Although I haven't seen those classics Tim Jones refused to let my life go on without watching Animal House. He also made sure I knew that John Belushi was a comedic genius. 

It's honestly one of the funniest movies I have ever seen.

 If I'm watching in the living room by myself, I swear I catch a glimpse of a tear in Tim's eye. 

It's either the fact that I'm watching Animal House or  because his 23 year old daughter still lives at home and is sitting in his recliner.

#6

Hope Floats

It's a chick flick, but a chick flick with Sandra Bullock AND Harry Conick Jr. 

 I'm mildly obsessed obsessed with both Sandy and HCJ. And by obsessed I mean I stop my knitting and give all attention to the television. I kind of watch with my mouth half open blinking only periodically. I may be exaggerating a smidge but I do love this movie and I do sigh heavily if Barb or Tim try talking to me while I'm watching. I then say to them in my best movie theater man voice:

"Please don't ruin my movie by adding your own soundtrack."

Then I have to take out the trash.

#5 Forgetting Sarah Marshall

I didn't want to see this movie in theaters, and only watched it thru Netflix because my friends were quoting it and I felt left out. After I saw it the first time I watched it maybe 3 more times before sending it back. It also caused me to fall in love with Russell Brand and Jason Segel and reaffirmed my humungo crush on Jonah Hill. 

(Side note: One time in an interview Megan Fox said she was attracted to guys like Jonah Hill. To this I say: "Step off skank. You can't have Brian Austin Green and Jonah Hill. Let a girl dream a little. F.")

#4 Karate Kid

2 words: Mr. Miyagi

#3 Sixteen Candles

Another 2 words: Jake Ryan

#2 Clueless

This movie was literally sold out of Blockbuster every freaking time I tried to rent it for a sleepover. Do you know what that does for a girl trying to improve her image? I'll tell you: Not much. There are only so many times you can force your best friend to watch Spice World before she threatens to shove her platform flip flop down your throat. 

I just really like the Meatloaf cameo. 

(I apologize Catherine.)

This movie is one of those movies where you notice funny quotes or details each time you watch it. It also help propel Paul Rudd to full time babe status. 

#1 Dirty Dancing

I'm not saying it's the best movie ever made...but it's the best movie ever made.

When I was looking for prom dresses I wanted a dress like Baby's in the final dance sequence.

 Granted they didn't sell dresses like that in 2004 but it was my quest.

I also wanted a boyfriend named Johnny who was also Patrick Swayze.

A fun fact about me: 

I request for whoever I playing in the pool with to lift me.  

A not so fun fact:

No one ever does.

What are your glue movies? 

-Jones

Comic of the day!

From http://www.lefthandedtoons.com

I'm so excited...I'm so excited...I'm so scared Zack...

Ok I'm  not scared but I really am so excited becauseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 I am a James Madison University DUKE!!! 

I was recently accepted in to the College Student Personnel Program (CSPA 2012) as a grad student. When I graduate I will have a Master's in Education. From there I'll be prepared to work in college, university, and community college positions molding those minds. 

I couldn't be more excited. I move to Harrisonburg, VA August 4th. I hope they are ready for the awkward monster that I am. 

In preparation for the big move I had to go to the doctor and get the ole' physical. After a serious of uncomfortable questions from my doctor (and by uncomfortable I mean I had to verbally admit to how much of an old lady I am) I could tell she was concerned. 

Considering I'm practically a nun ( I knit and watch E! most evenings. Have I mentioned my new fascination with craft blogs? 'Cause that's happening now too.) she asked me the following question:

"Are you dating anyone?"

I said "Nope."

She then said: "It'll happen honey I'm sure of it. Don't you worry. You just have to put yourself out there." 

I wasn't worried but now that a medical official seems concerned so am I. 

(Side note: While she was checking to see if I had tuberculosis she sternly asked me if I used drugs that involved needles. If I was it was ILLEGAL. Who knew?I didn't realize I looked like such a heroine addict.) 

(Other side note: I don't have tuberculosis because 1. I don't live on the Oregon Trail and 2. I don't hang out with Kid Rock.) 

In summary: I'm going to grad school and super excited. I'm also clean of any communicable diseases so fellas please give me a call. No seriously call me because my doctor said.

--Jones 

This is a story all about how...

I bought two long layered necklaces from Forever 21 and thought it would be the best idea ever to try them on at the same time.

I was literally just panicking on my bed trying to detangle myself from both of them. Somehow they were stuck in my hair and intertwined while progressively getting tighter. Why I thought it was a splendid idea to have both on at once I will never know.

Less is more Jones. Less.is.more.

Whew. That escalated quickly.

Brick killed a guy.

Love,

Jones

I'm back!

Hi Nuggets! I'm sorry I have abandoned you for more than a week. Here are my excuses: 

1. I was on a staycation. My house was not only shared with the regular cast of characters but 2 10 year olds and one 6 year old. We went on a tour of DC and to the Baltimore Aquarium. I saw a puffin and a sloth so I deemed them successful outings. However I am in no way anywhere near ready to be a parent. Luke from the “Gilmore Girls” said it best: “Kids always have jam hands.” And it’s true. Even when there is no jam or syrup around kids have jam or syrup on their hands. Please don’t mistake me for the Grinch. I love kids. I think they are super fun and funny and cute. But I also love to give them back to where they came from. I never know the kid rules. I once asked my 13 year old cousin if he was big enough to ride in the front seat. I also assume that they are allowed to watch “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” and that words like crap, damn, and stupid are acceptable to say. I also didn’t see what the big deal was when one of them asked me to buy them a pack of cigarettes and I obliged. Those E*Trade babies have really messed with my perception of what’s appropriate I guess. They ride planes by themselves and hooked up their own webcam…I think that’s grounds for confusion. No? Just me?
2. I lost my computer charger. And then Petey ate my homework. But I really did lose it. I tend to lose almost everything that I own. I’m still missing my favorite sorority t-shirt. Last seen two Septembers ago. Please return if found. I lost my shoe…then my other shoe. My camera in a cab in Chicago. That kid I babysat for once. (TOTALLY KIDDING…too far?) Generally when things get lost I try to remain calm as long as possible. After about 2-3 minutes of this calm the crazy train fully leaves the station and I start blaming Barb Jones for coming in my room taking the exact thing I was looking for and tying it to a bunch of helium balloons and setting it free into the open sky or something equally as logical. Later I find it under a pillow, if it’s my glasses I’m looking for –they’re usually on my head, in a desk drawer, or in the pit that is my car. As it turns out my charger was at my best friend Marisa’s house. So as SOON as I get home I’ll unlock the closet and let Barb out. I am such a silly goose.

I really only had two excuses. I promise to never let you down again (especially you Sarah Whitley).

Love,

Jones