Sara K will be your tour guide today...

This is my best friend Sara. 

We are rocking our sweet ass jumpers. 

It's a Greek Life tradish at Longwood. 

Not a fashion statement. 

This summer she's working in New Jerzey. 

We had such a great time during my trip to visit. 

A definite highlight was SARA'S REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY HOUSE TOUR!

It's not an official tour. 

Nor authorized by Bravo. 

Buttttttttt

that's probably why it is was so much fun. 

DON'T WORRY HOW WE GOT THE ADDRESSES! 

PROSTITUTION WHORES. 

Jeez. 

No respect. 

Anyway. 

Here is Teresa's house. 

Oh...that's...just....me in front of it. 

No biggie. 

That's Danielle's house. 

I didn't get out. 

Who knows what could have happened. 

It's still on the market and it's a little dingy. 

Luckily we didn't have to WEAVE in and out of traffic to get there. 

As soon as we got there it was time to WEAVE.

Sara and I thought to ourselves,

"WEAVE seen enough, time to skadaddle."

Get it...because her weave got pulled out?

Here's the Brownstone. 

There were events going on. 

It seemed like a nice place.

The surrounding area however was a little sketchy. 

And by a little I mean....a lot. 

As much as I wished and hoped, Albie was not there for me to capture. 

I mean meet. 

It was a real fun trip. 

Sara is the best trip planner I know. 

She knows what you like to do and then just makes it happen. 

Oh, before I go watch the season premiere of "Teen Mom 2" can we talk for a minute about Pinkberry and how it is sent from above?

It is the most magical place on Earth. 

I dream about it at night. 

The best. 

Go to Jersey. 

I recommend it. 

How I feel everyday...

via http://warehousecomic.com

There's a reason Paul Blart had a segway....

As aforementioned I went to see my best friend Sara in the dirty Jerz this past weekend. 

Once I get my pics uploaded I plan on giving you the run down. 

It was awesome. 

We went to see "Knight & Day"

It's the one with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. 

I used to be a big fan of Tom Cruise. 

Then he became a wacko

And jumped on a perfectly good napping couch

Owned by Oprah. 

Rude. 

However, I was intrigued and wanted to see what this flick had to offer. 

That and Sara wouldn't see "Despicable Me."

It ended up being pretty good. 

I also kind of love Tom Cruise again. 

Not like the love I used to have for him in "Top Gun" but still ...there's an inkling. 

Seeing the action movie got me thinking:

There aren't a lot of chubby actors in action movies and I don't blame them.

They didn't eat ONE time in "Knight & Day" 

That's something I would not be able to stand for. 

If I'm going to be running everywhere, and dodging bullets I'm not gonna be doing that on an empty stomach.

Neither would Jonah Hill. 

They ran EVERYWHERE. 

Sometimes I don't even like to walk places. 

I had to pee for an hour and half today because I didn't feel like going the 40 yards it takes for me to get to the bathroom. 

After they run and jump and I'm assuming...starve- they don't sweat. 

I sweat all the time when I eat, pick something up, blink. 

I wouldn't make it in an action flick. 

Or if I was being chased in real life. 

I mean if you're a burglar reading this...just ask me for my wallet. I'll give it to you. There will be no struggle. 

Just a simple please and thank you will do. 

And if I can make it without a stab wound I'd much prefer it. 

Some might say that having an 80 billion dollar contract might be a motivation...

but I don't know if people realize how much I'd have to run. 

And how little I'd eat. 

And how angry those two things combined would make me. 

Sara pointed out that Kevin James was in "Paul Blart: Mall Cop."

I told her he had a segway and an inhaler and was in a mall. 

Where there are food courts and Cinnabon. 

He's a guy with the right idea. 

Fingers Crossed...

I'm going to New Jersey this weekend to visit my best friend Sara. She's there for the summer and I'm super excited. 

I'm praying I come back with Albie Manzo as my boyfriend. 

I plan on calling everyone, small children included, prostitution whores. 

I also envision Danielle Staub marching around like Godzilla eating buildings and cars. 

That's accurate right? 

I hope my dreams come true. 

I'll fill you in when I return....if I can drive my car out of Danielle's reach. 

Why Did I Eat Jalapeño Chips?

I had this plan to have a cute little cook out on the 4th of July. 

I've been dog sitting for the past week and the owners said I could have a few people over. 

I gathered some recipes that I thought would be simple enough for me to make. 

After gathering all the ingredients and I stared at them with fear. 

I was so nervous that I would fail miserably and nobody would like my food thus starting a riot which would undoubtedly lead to them burning the house down like the villagers in "Beauty and the Beast". 

Rational. 100 % rational.

After my silent panic attack and the realization that I was not in a Quick Fire Challenge on "Top Chef" I went to work. 

After I had the first part of my recipe cooking in the oven, I went to mix some cream cheese, sugar, and whipped topping together. 

During that time my friend Emily suggested I use the hand mixer she found. 

Example below. 

She then made the mistake of thinking that as a 23 year old I in fact knew the interworkings of this contraption and left me on my own in the kitchen. 

Big mistake. 

Huge. 

As I mixed the concoction together I felt as though the mixer was jammed with cream cheese. 

Good thing I was there to remedy that situation. 

I stuck my finger into the mixer that was turned off buttttt still plugged in. 

As I went to clear it out my other hand hit the "on" switch. 

I do not have cat like reflexes and did not move my finger out of the way quick enough. 

It looked like a crime scene. 

I immediately started cursing. 

Because I'm a lady. 

Emily yelled from outside,

"What'd you do get your finger stuck in the mixer?"

When she heard crickets she ran in and said, 

"Jesus Christ you literally got your finger stuck in the mixer."

I didn't feel so hot. A little woozy if you will. 

Kind of like Will Ferrell getting hit with a tranquilizer in "Old School"ish. 

After Emily yelled repeatedly for me to "Sit the F down" 

I did and called Barb. 

After 23 years of my antics you'd think she'd be prepared for the 

"Hey I stuck my finger in a mixer and am bleeding profusely" phone call.

She was not. 

Tim wasn't pleased either and told me to come home immediately. 

Then I went to the ER. 

On my way home I realized I was starving. 

When I GOT home I saw my favorite snack ever. 

Jalapeño chips. 

I grabbed the bag...yes the whole bag...and told Tim I was ready to hit the road and get some stitches.

I ate those chips like it was my J-O-B. 

Just chompin' away. 

When I got to the ER they were ready to see me right away.

My Dad somehow had found a comfy seat and was enthralled in the rib episode of "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives in the whole 2 minutes it took for them to check me in. 

I told him I was going to go back and he said 

"Ok honey." 

With his eyes still on the ribs. 

After the nurse told him there was a TV in the back he said, 

"Did you want me to come back there with you?" 

Oh Tim.

But it was a good thing he was there because things got dicey.

I think after you injure yourself for the millionth time you just get used to the whole situation. 

However, I did not properly prepare myself for the whole stitching process. 

As soon as the whole process started I immediately started sweating. 

Cold sweats. 

I kinda felt like Harry Potter when he was around the Dementors. 

Too nerdy of a reference? 

Hello? 

Anyone still there? 

Suddenly I felt like this was the big one. I knew for a fact I was going to pass out or worse vom on the doctor. 

At first I thought, 

"I haven't eaten all day....I won't vom." 

Flashback to me eating jalapeño chips like Augustus Gloop from "Charlie & the Chocolate Factory." 

My dad noticed I wasn't making my usual awkward jokes. 

(Apparently telling a nurse you don't know if you've had your tetanus shot, but DO know you don't have Rabies, isn't taken as a joke but as a medical fact.)

He mentioned I was looking pretty ghostly and asked the doctor to give me an extra shot of the numbing medication. 

I think that's what I was trying to vocalize myself but all that was coming out was,

"I'm sweating...so cold...I think I see Patrick Swayze."

All in all I got 5 stitches.

My dad bought me a soda. 

We still had the cook out.

I didn't cook any of the food. 

I'm an idiot. 

Hope you all had a splendid 4th of July! 

-Jonesy