Jan 26, 2011

Relapse

 I am what people call an "eater."
I eat during the following times:

When I'm happy.
When I'm sad. 
When I'm bored. 
At sporting events. 
Walking to class. 
Sitting in class. 
Sitting at my desk. 
Sitting in my bed. 
When I watch TV. 
In the car.

I may even be one of those weird night eaters that raids their fridge whilst sleep walking. 
(OK I don't do that but I saw it on Oprah once so I know it's real)

Sometimes I think about food while I'm eating other food. 
Which is kind of like cheating on my current meal. 
I'm a playa in food game son. 
Come at me bro.

However lately I've been trying this whole "healthy living" thing. 
I didn't want to do it as a New Year's Resolution because...well those are usually broken. 
I wanted to do it to make myself feel better. 
So I've been doing this new fad called 
"portion control"
and this thing called 
jogging...
I believe it's a soft j...so yogging. 
Some of my long time followers may know that I've made this attempt before and literally pushed people out of the way for a breakfast burrito after 4 hours without a carb. 

However, this time my friend Sara L. and I have been training for the past couple weeks for a 5k. 
Yesterday I ran a mile without stopping. 
When I say ran I mean jogged at the slowest speed possible. 
Mall walkers could have passed me. 
However, I did it and haven't done that since I was in 10th grade. 
I felt accomplished. 

Then today I woke up and was not in the mood to eat properly but I tried.

Then I got a whiff of cheese pizza and was suddenly a character from "Intervention."
When I got home I ordered a pizza from Papa Johns online. 
I didn't even have to talk to anyone, so they couldn't hear the shame in my voice when I ordered an Extra Cheese Pizza
for a Party of 1.  
When it got here I'm pretty sure I just threw a wad of $1s at the driver and ran back into  the building to consume. 

(Why a wad of dollar bills you may ask? Because I'm a stripper and that's the most efficient way to keep track of my cash...duh.)

I have never been a heroine addict but I felt like one tonight. 
I had a pizza box and garlic sauce cup on my living room floor. A piece of crust hanging from my hand as I laid on my couch, when my RAs walked in for their weekly meeting. 
It was a rough scene. 

I felt like Dr. Drew was going to waltz in at any minute to tell me that he was with me in my struggle with addiction. 
Which actually would have been fine with me because he is attractiveeee. 
I'd be on:
"Celebrity Rehab: College Edition"

I feel like my intake meeting would go something like this: 

"Hey man, my name is Ashley but my friends call me Lil' Jonesy on the streets, and when I say streets I mean the drive thru at Wendy's. I was clean and living on the Weight Watchers plan, when one day I went a little crazy and stopped using my measuring cups. One serving of Cheerios turned into four, which spiraled me into eating 8 string cheeses, 5 100 calorie packs, and  3 Lean Cuisines. It's a slippery slope my friends but I'm here to get myself back on the path. I think it was the Jennifer Hudson commercial that made me realize, it IS a new dawn and a new day, and I needed to get my life back on track."

As I lay on my couch tonight feeling pretty gross, and also convinced that my escapade had led me down the path to diabetes or "the sugar" I decided: "I will not let that pizza defeat me."

Sure tomorrow on the track I will most definitely have a side cramp, and potentially need some sort of respirator but I will hop back on board the portion control train. 

I will resist the urge to say my favorite line via Regina George from "Mean Girls": 

"Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries."

But don't be surprised if you see me with my face pushed up against the glass in the ice cream aisle weeping because even looking at Ben & Jerry's is a whole day of points. 

I will run a 5k and cross the finish line in a slow motion montage. 
I feel like putting it out on the internet will also bring great shame if I don't get this done.  
Plus I hear you get t-shirts when you run the races. 
And cheese fries & beer when you finish it. 


-Jonesy

P.S.If you're looking for a great blog that gives great work out tips, recipes, and fun stories about living a healthy life check out my friend Colleen's blog here!


3 comments: