May 9, 2011

Perhaps I am not the most supportive...

Hello Thug Nation. 
This weekend I came to a realization. 
I am not a supportive friend to my pregnant friends. 

Let me explain. 
I'm super happy for them. 
I just find the whole pregnancy thing to be so weird. 

I think it was my friend Rachel who alerted me to the fact that pregnant bellies alone are super creepy. 

I equate babies to hobos really. 
They hang out inside you for 9 months. 
They don't pay rent, they give you gas.
It's rude.

My first baby shower experience with one of my close friends was last weekend.
I didn't know how to act....or what to talk about.
So I started the day by doing what I do best
Photobombing my pregnant friend.


& because once wasn't enough I did it again:

I shouldn't be allowed in public spaces. 

I also recognized that I'm not the most supportive when talking to my friends about their pregnancies. 

For instance I immediately start naming the scary facts I learned from a very reputable source:
the movie 
Baby Mama

-Some babies are born with a full set of teeth. Yeah...let that one sink in. 
-Some babies are born hermaphrodites. 
-Some babies could be born with a tail. 
(I made that one up but...I'm convinced that it happens.)

I also don't react well when they tell me the weird things going on in their bodies. 
The slightest abnormal factoid and I'm yelling things like, 

"YOU ARE A MONSTER!"
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
"You can't come back from that."

Also the fact that you can feel the minion rolling around in there is creepy. 
Emily said I could feel her belly. 
I wasn't quite sure: 

I think the fear that comes from me not knowing what to do with a baby. 
I would just feed it human food and have it watch Bravo with me. 
I don't know what I could or couldn't eat while pregnant either. 
I heard on the streets that you're supposed to stay away from lunch meat. 
Lunch meat goes on sandwiches. 
I LOVE SANDWICHES. 
Not only are you taking up space in my body but you are prohibiting me from eating one of my favorite foods?
How dare you infant. 
How.dare.you.

I think it's safe to say I'd give the Teen Mom girls a run for their money with their parenting techniques. 
Amy Pohler's face sums up my attitude below:

Clearly I'm not ready for motherhood. 

However, I do have a fantastic mom. 
Her name is Barb. 

This Mother's Day I wanted to get her a card that really showed how much she meant to me. 
So I did that but I also got her another card that had this button:

On the inside I wrote:

"Surprise....grad school got a little crazy"

Because what mom doesn't deserve a "hey i'm having a baby" joke sprung on you at a seafood restaurant. 

Barb's reaction can be seen below:


She told me I wasn't funny while the rest of my family cackled and caused a scene. 
She also asked twice to make sure I wasn't in fact 
"with child." 

The table next to us stared and so my dad showed them the card and explained the situation. 

They also laughed and caused a scene. 
When they left they wished me a "Happy Mother's Day" and high-fived my Mom and Dad. 

The best $4 I have spent in awhile. 

So although I'm not ready to be a mom, or am I a soothing person to talk to if you are in fact pregnant, I am happy for the little nuggets that are being born. 

I plan on teaching my friend's kids fun catch phrases and giving them precious clothes. 

Babysitting will probably consist of me taking the infants to Taco Bell and the mall but they will have a blast I'm sure. 





1 comment:

  1. hahaha. I love this.

    know what else is fun? teaching the babies your own catch phrases. and ke$ha music.

    obviously I'm the coolest aunt ever.

    ReplyDelete