Ne-Yo wrote a song about my life...

You've probably heard it. 
It's called "Beautiful Monster" 
I say it's about me mainly because as we all know who I really am: 
A monster.

Beautiful is up for debate when I take gems like these

For instance about a week ago I was driving the golf cart around campus for Orientation. 
I was surprised how well I was doing. 
I was navigating the streets of Filet and avoiding pedestrians. 
While transporting a student on crutches to her next session I got literally got stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Ok not a literal rock. More like a tree and a bike rack.
I was with one of my OL's Steve:
(that's his Spanish soap opera face)

Steve was the passenger and told me I had room and to just gun it.
So I did.
Straight into a bike tire.
Which bent...
Like this:

Naturally the next thing for me to do was to back up and do the same thing again.
I started to panic while Steve laughed a little too hard beside me.
Don't forget there was a student in the back--unable to flee for safety.

What was I gonna do?
Leave the scene of the crime?
Pray to Oprah and all other things holy that no one saw me?
I'll never know if I would have the courage to haul out of there without being detected because the owner of the bike watched as the whole thing happened.

He came up and told me,
"Um...that's my bike."
To which I replied
"No it's not!"

Stephen assured me that it was.
I knew that I didn't call Nationwide for a situation like this, or 911 so I just took down his information and promised him a new tire instead. 

As I drove away (finally...after being able to manuever my way out of the spot) I exclaimed to the student, 

Steve in the meantime had started to plot how he was going to tell the other 24 OLs what I had done. 
15 minutes later I began getting text messages like: 
"Remember that time you hit a bike." 
"I heard you killed a student with the golf cart while he was riding his bike to class."
They tagged me in pictures of bent tires on Facebook and ask me if I did it.
They would see me driving and run out of the way and pretend to dive into bushes.
When I asked them to do something they told me they didn't feel comfortable working for someone who would hit a student with a vehicle and then drive away.
A bunch of comedians I tell ya.

I will never live it down.
Also Stephen (my victim) made sure that I wouldn't ditch out on my promise.
He arrived at our main office and reported me to the director.
Apparently he didn't believe me.
He was later seen break dancing up the street.
I saw him again with his repaired bike about a two weeks later.
He was standing next to it over looking the field where we were doing a program.
He was break dancing then too.
He's pretty good.
He moves pretty fast when he does it too so I'm surprised that he even needs a bike.

I can't park in Philly.
I can't drive in Philly.
Philly:2 - Jones:0


  1. haha that poor bike.

    I think you need to leave Philly before it runs up the score on you!

  2. Oooooh my gosh you are hilarious!
    I am so glad I found your blog today!
    That same exact story could have been told in a way less interesting way. Love it.

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