Joe v. Ashley: You be the judge

This is my friend Joe.

He was initially my supervisor this summer.

This is how he trained me.

Needless to say when I moved back to Virginia he desperately missed me.
So naturally we just continued our daily conversations via heytell & it's like nothing has changed.

I'm sure some days he wishes he could quit me, but I'm adorable so he resists.

We argue about/ discuss really important issues like:
- Where does Britney want to go?
- Who Adam Levine would be better friends with
-Whether or not the joke I just told was funny
-What kind of sandwich should we purchase
-Why can't Starbucks deliver

You know hard hitting topics to which our answers will help one day change the world.

Lately we've been battling...and I mean full on hey tell yelling about:
Kris Humphries

Yep. That's right.
The New Jersey Nets basketball player.
The former Mr. Kardashian.
The mouth breather from Hey Arnold.
Kris "I always look like I'm lost" Humph.


Joe seems to think that Kris Humphries is getting a bad rep for his time as a Kardashian.
He claims Kris stuck up for himself against a stubborn rude Kim.
He said that he walked into a bad situation, and had to impress a family in front of the world, was "incredibly" supportive of the family, and thru it all remained true to himself.


I disagree.
I think the whole marriage was a sham.
I even predicted during their wedding special that it wasn't going to last:

I was also apparently appalled that Kris would eat any cake because I also tweeted this:

 

I don't trust those who don't eat sweets, chips, or Mexican food. 

These are my terms. 

While I do agree with Joe that Kris did constantly say, "F THE POLICE" and buck the Kardashian system he was kind of a tool bag in the process.

Sure he was "supportive" of the family by attending events, and telling Kourtney to ease up on Scott that one time on vacation....

(I watch a lot of TV)

He was always saying how he was going to show them how he couldn't be tied down.

And how it was time to have a strong male in the house because all the other guys were whipped. 

He went in trying to change Kim just as much as Kim tried to change Kris. 

They were a terrible couple.

Don't get me wrong. 

Kim is the pits. 

She is also the prime suspect in the murder of Cookie Monster

Joe says my argument is flawed.
That I have no real reason why I don't like Kris.

I say "Good day sir!" because I think I have a good reason why I don't like him.
I think he's obnoxious, rude, and a little bit stupid.
I don't give a what what that he showed up at Dancing with the Stars.

He showed up at Good Morning America with his mom, who had to do all of the talking. 

Mainly because I think he was trying to figure out where he was for most of it:

He's a dummy.
I'm sure he has good qualities.
He had some good zingers here and there.
But a dummy nonetheless

I rest my case.

What are your thoughts?
Are you a fan of the Hump?

MERRY CHRISTMASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! (Said like Oprah)

Hello nuggets!

I hope everyone has a delightful Christmas/ Holiday season with all your friends and family.
I will be spending the day with Tim & Barb and the other Joneses.
If you think I'm quirky...imagine all of us together.

May your day be filled with love and fun,
and hopefully "Oprah's Favorite Things Audience" type reactions to the gifts that you may receive or about the food you may eat.

Happy Holidays!

-Jonesy

I just thought she was being polite...

I've been doing a lot of driving lately and as you know I have the most random thought bubbles that occur when I'm on the road. 

When I have these driving thoughts (DTs) I like to think I look like JD from Scrubs when he's day dreaming:

(source)

Buttttt

I know that I actually look like this:

I have come to terms with it. 

Here are my recent gems that I have been thought or even muttered out loud to no one but myself:

• Shouldn't the Grape family,  from one of the best movies of all time "What's Eating Gilpert Grape?"gotten in a lot of trouble for burning their house down with their mom still inside? That seems like a pretty big insurance claim. 
• I do the TLC shoulder shrug dance a lot...
 
(Source)

• Why did I buy so many Beanie Babies? 
• Do board meetings at Kohls get weird because Marc Anthony & JLO both have clothing lines there? Is it a "mommy and daddy are fighting at the dinner table" kind of vibe?
• Why did Jennifer Lopez agree to make those car commercials?
• Does Jennifer Lopez have a driver's license?
• I wonder what Halle Berry is doing this minute?
• Will my dreams of ever becoming a famous person's funny side kick come true?
• What if the premise behind Toy Story is real?

It's scary what goes on in my brain space...I know.

My other favorite thing to do is analyze songs. 

On the way home for break the other day my friend Adam and I analyzed the "Thong Song"

Sisqo was really passionate about a piece of underwear. 

I mean there was a string section (no pun intended) and everything. 

He really wanted to get the message out that barely there underwear was where it was at. 

Respectable to go out and speak for your cause. 

However, sometimes my analysis really brings new light to a song's meaning.

For instance, I was riding in my car with my bff Sara and a song by the musical genius of the newly engaged Britney Spears,

"Hold it Against Me," was on.

As I was singing along it came to me!

When she says:

"If I said my heart was beating loud
If we could escape the crowd somehow
If I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me"

She is not asking the fine gentleman, if he would think she was being impolite for saying she wanted his body...

She's literally asking him to hold his body against her. 

I thought that I had uncovered a riddle. 

I was so excited by my discovery that I yelled to Sara, 

"OH MY GOD DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE'S REALLY SAYING? SHE'S ASKING HIM TO HOLD HIS BODY AGAINST HER! NOT WOULD HE METAPHORICALLY HOLD IT AGAINST HER BECAUSE SHE'S BEING KIND OF SKANKY!"

Sara then said, 

"Duh Ashley. It's called a double entendre"

I don't speak French...but I do know that Britney is a sneaky (albeit clever) lady of the night. 

Sara really couldn't believe that after months of being on the radio I didn't understand the true meaning of the song. 

I told her not to be too surprised as up until recently I thought that the Spice Girls song "When 2 Become 1" was about being really good friends. 

Apparently I needed a clearer message than, 

"Are you as good as I remember baby, get it on, get it on
'Cause tonight is the night when two become one"

I mean I honestly thought that they were just 5 girls singing about being besties. 

So well played Spices. 

&

Well played Spears. 

Well played indeed.

I'm essentially the third member of LMFAO

As many of you know I'm a party animal. 

I rage against the machine pretty regularly and pretty hard. 

You also know that both of those statements are bold face lies. 

However December has been pretty festive. 

Even though my birthday was November 26th...or as my best friend Sara will tell you...all of November, 

I had a 90s themed party at the beginning of December.

The last themed party I threw was when I was 16.

It was a Hollywood theme and I dressed up like Karen from Will & Grace. 

For some reason her alcoholic, pill popping character spoke to me. 

We also had an Austin Powers impersonator courtesy of Barb Jones.
Was he fat & Asian?

Yes. 

Did he follow me around the party?

Sure did. 

Did I vow to never hire another impersonator to any future event?

Also yes. 

So I was a little nervous about how this was gonna turn out. 

I was apart of the Ninja Turtle gang.

I made Agrocrag. 

 

My friend B made me a sweet ALL THAT cake. 

URKELE CAME!

CARMEN SAN DIEGO WAS THERE!

SO WAS THE BAYSIDE GANG! 

AND QUAIL MAN!

 I'M TYPING IN CAPS BECAUSE IT WAS SO AWESOME. 

The following weekend we had our grad program's holiday party which was full of fun. 

Sara had the idea to go as "Ho Ho Ho"

When we were together we'd look super festive. 

When standing alone we'd look like a random ho. 

It's why I keep her around she's the brains of the operation.

So I made the shirts...

 And that's exactly what we did...

 And it wouldn't be a party with out some homemade mustaches...

So I mean as you can see my lack of blogging has been due to the fact that I've been partying uncontrollably. 

After a rough semester I think a little party was necessary. 

One semester left of grad school and then I'm going to be a grown up. 

(I use that word loosely.)

Maybe...

Maybe it's the fact that my last blog post was about me eating 2 sandwiches that included gravy...

Maybe it's the fact that I got tired eating an apple the other day...

Maybe it's the fact that the first place I became a Mayor in on Foursquare after being a member for 5 days was a Dairy Queen...

Maybe it's the fact that walking up a flight of stairs has me looking for the nearest bench to take a nap on...

Maybe it's the fact that I got agitated when the woman in front of me didn't know how to properly order at Chipotle...

Maybe it's the fact that I just got winded putting up my hair...

Maybe it's the fact that when someone asked me how often I drank water my response was, "Generally just when I brush my teeth"...

Maybe it's the fact that my heytell messages sound like creepy stalker voice mails because of the heavy breathing...

Maybe it's the fact that I have a designated booth at Chick-fil-A...

Maybe it's the fact that I said out loud "If I see one more person sign up for a damn marathon, I'm reporting their Facebook profile as spam..."

Maybe it's the fact that when I saw a group of girls running in the cold while I drove by them eating my waffle fries I thought to myself "suckers"....

Maybe it's the fact that I can't remember where my running shoes are...

Maybe it's the fact that today in Starbucks when my best friend Steve tried to steal a piece of my lemon pound cake I knocked that piece to the ground and proclaimed, "If I can't have it...no one will..."

Maybe all of these things are telling me one thing:

Jones get your badonk back to the gym.