Naked Gets A Rose...

Last night I was real tired.
The kind of tired where going to bed at 7:30 seemed acceptable.
Then I remembered:
So I changed into Bach uniform:
 sweats, t-shirt, robe, ponytail & glasses.

You may be thinking, "but Jones isn't that also your Hoarders, Storage Wars, 30 Rock, Lifetime Movie marathon uniform too?"
No silly goose.
I don't wear a robe when I watch those shows.

As I settled in I was pretty confident in my fantasy team:

My bonus pick (who was gonna get the boot) was Elyse.
I was still pretty confused about who she was and why she was still there.

I picked my girl Kacie (duh.) and Jamie & Jennifer because they had been some of his favorites.
Especially Jennifer.
Honestly she was becoming my solid second choice. 
Which was a conflict of interest for me because her fake red hair still qualified her as a Ging...and they make me nervous.
(Kidding...kind of.)

 Moving on...
I've decided that my favorite part of the show is the 3 seconds that Chirs Harrison shows up to give the girls the 411 about the next few days.
He can not get out of there fast enough.
It cracks me up:

"Yo girls. We're in Puerto Rico, everyone gets a date, blah blah blah, roses, stuff, things, blah blah. Imma go get a tan. Later skanks."

The first date of the episode started with Ben and Nikki.
Naturally he picked her up in his helicopter.

Those girls are going to be real disappointed when he rolls up to their house in his 2008 Jetta for the rest of their real dating lives.

But whatever.
I digress.

This date...
I'll tell you what.
First they end up sitting outside a church watching a wedding while they talk about Nikki's divorce.
Then it starts to rain while they're eating churros.
How unplanned & romantic.
So they ran for shelter, couldn't find anything, and ended up making out in the rain.
If that sounds familiar it's because it's how every Taylor Swift song begins.

Because they were soaked the had to go get new outfits.
This is what Ben chose:

I mean I don't know why he's held out for so long to tell us he was heir to the KFC throne.

 Not to mention that the rain made his bangs frizz out.
If I were Nikki I would have asked for a rain check.
(Get it...because it rained? No? Just me? Is this thing on?)

But bing bang boom the date went well she's still around.
Hopefully Ben's outfit is not.

The next date was a group date full of baseball and stress.
The girls played against each other and were really good.
I was getting legitmately nervous about the whole thing.
Mainly because I wanted Kacie B to get to go to the fun after party with Ben.
And to see what Courtney was going to do.
To say I wasn't sitting on the edge of my seat like it was the World Series would be a lie.
Because I was.
I might have yelled, "GET IT TOGETHER GIRLS F."
I can neither confirm or deny.

Kacie and crew won.
You know what picked them up from the field?

That's right Dan.
Another Helicopter.

The other girls had to take a bus back to the hotel like a bunch of losers.

When the winning team went back to the resort to have the rest of their group date with Ben Courtney planted the seed to skinny dip by whispering sweet nothings into his ear.

Ben was like,
"Ha ha please? I mean no. I can't. I'm busy. Naked. Boobs. What? Sorry my mom's calling me..hang on. CHRIS? I NEED AN ADULT."

He was real smooth about it.

He ended up giving my #1 fav Kacie B the rose guarenteeing her a spot next week.

However, Courtney couldn't resist a good dig at her expense.
She said Kacie was too young and unexperienced. Ben needed someone more.
Because after having gone to the Golden Globes, and Puerto Rico twice...she's well traveled & precisely what Ben is looking for.

Ben's date with Elyse was next and it was bad from the start.
#1. If your first date with the dude is 4 weeks in he doesn't like you too much. He just forgot you were there.
#2. Don't tell a dude you're just tired of being single.
#3. Telling a guy you've only been on ONE date with that you think your FIRST date should involve getting married will only lead to pain.

Being that their date was on a boat I had a million "Titanic" jokes I wanted to make.
Dan sent me the following link:

After their dinner conversation Ben sent her on a tug boat back to the big boat and peaced out.

Poor thing...
Hopefully a cab picked her up and brought her immediately back to her natural habitat:
The Jersey Shore.

When he got back to the hotel Courtney was there waiting for him.

And "convinced" Ben to go skinny dipping.

They stripped down and she threw her cute little training bra into the wind and it was flirty.
And I was pissed.
Not because she was skankin' it up.
Because she threw her bra and it looked cute and dainty.
My bras could be attached to a sailboat and bring it thru a storm.
There is no de-clothing that would make me look remotely attractive.
And for that I hate her even more.

After the whole shabang,
Whoretney said,
"I think I'm winning."

I'm not an expert but:
Paper covers rock.
Rock beats scissors.

Dan said it best:

The end of the night was a little surprising because he ended up sending Jennifer home.


She was also an uglier crier than Kim Kardashian.
I didn't now that was really possible.

The previews for the next few weeks have helicopters and crying so it looks like the season is going to carry on with its awesome self.

I will now leave you with two things:

1. This hilarious video:


2. This picture that Dan sent me earlier this afternoon:

You're welcome.


  1. I don't watch this show but I was really hoping you'd say his outfit looked like this guy:

    Welcome to Jurassic Park.

  2. LK I enjoy your I don't watch this show disclaimer.

  3. haha, once again a wonderful recap. :)

    I also do not watch the show, but love reading these :)

    I also apparently love smiley emoticons.

  4. I dont follow the bachelor - but who needs to when I have side splitting HILARIOUS commentary like this to keep me up to date. Thanks Jones, THANKS!

  5. I am crying this post! Laughing so hard


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