Poor Doug

I'm back from California! 
It was so much fun and I'm going to give a little recap and thangs tomorrow. 
I'll be honest, all day Monday I was trying to figure out how the timezones effected TV to see if I could watch the Bachelorette in real time. 
I still don't know how they work, but did determine it was impossible. 
I silently wept for a minute. 
But please believe it was one of the first things I watched when I woke up from my 7 hour post red-eye slumber. 

I feel ready to do my super late recap, especially after reviewing the notes given to me by my new Bachelorette partner in crime Jill. 
We give high-fives instead of roses. Because we're ladies.

Here we go:
Emily went on a one on one date with Tony "Wolf."
Or as I like to call him, Tony Woof. 
No thank you. 
Why is he still even there?!!?!?!?!? 
You know who would have made more sense to keep around:
Travis's egg.
The Mushroom Farmer. 
Maybe giving Chris Harrison a rose could have been a spicy twist.

But this Tony guy is the PITS.
(Editors note: So Tony's name is John...I legit thought his name was Tony for the majority of the season..that's how relevant he is....ooops)
Jill made the proper observation that he's been on screen MAYBE 15 times. 
If that. 
How did he slip through the cracks?
He kept saying he felt really good about the date.

When you share a story about your girlfriend cheating on you with some "doctor dude" I don't know how you think your date was anything but stellar. 

I also think that story was totally made up or at least a little suspect.
He couldn't reach his girlfriend for 6 hours and he's calling jails looking for her?
No one else thinks that's a little weird? 

She also went on a 1:1 with  Arie. 
Truthfully I started to dislike him when I read that he had dated Emily's producer friend at one point and kept it from her. 
The producers and Chris Harrison built it up in previews that Emily was PISSED about the relationship. 
C.Harrison even wore a suit and stood in front of the house to give us the summary of the situation. 
That let us know he was serious. 
However, the conversation between the 2 of them was convieniently OFF camera and we get back to them having a wonderful time. 
They just brushed over it. 
Like it was no big thing. 
That was it.
Serious let down. 

 Also the fact that Emily insists she likes kissing him is really starting to bum me out. 
He kisses her and strokes her face  and then rubs his nose on hers and it's all very... 
"I cut a lock of your hair when you weren't paying attention and now wear it around my ankle to always have you with me," kind of creepy.

Like ick. 
Vom city. 
Let's talk about Doug for a minute. 
Sweet Doug. 
I can't even begin to express how awkward the whole conversation was between Emily and Doug during their group date. 

When their legs brushed and he apologized I knew it was curtains. 
He was stuttering and mumbling. 
And awkwardly kissed her while she was dumping him. 
I was watching it thru my fingers like it was "Paranormal Activity." 
It was truly painful. 
And then he cried and we all know how I get around man tears: 

I was pleased to hear from Jill that she doesn't care for men crying on TV either. 

And then there were 2 with Foxface & Sean. 
Foxface was a bit of a rage machine this week right?
 I mean he kept bitchinggggg that he wasn't getting any one on one time with Emily and when he finally did he was such a brat. 
I know that being a loser last week helped him snuggle with her but come on dude. 
Knock it off.

Clearly Sean got the early rose. 
Because Sean is a precious gem. 
That Emily needed to marry yesterday. 
Foxface handled that whole situation well. 
And by well I mean, he handled it like a total tool. 

She also went on a cute one on one date with Jef(f). 
He told her that if she went home to meet his family his parents wouldn't be there do to "other commitments."
Jill and I were wondering about the possible places his parents could be:
  • FBI assignment
  • Jail
  • On another reality show (i.e. "Survivor")
  • Witness Proctection Program
  • At a baseball game handing out his water 
  • Their weekly trip to Red Lobster that gets cancelled for NO ONE. And with those cheesy biscuits, who could blame them?
  • Sonny & Cher tribute band gig scheduled months in advance
So many possibilities. 

The only iffy part of their date was when they played with puppets for an uncomfortable amount of time. 
They also made out in a library. 
I guess because books are sexy.
I was also super pleased because I FINNNNNNALLLY figured out who Jef(f) reminded me of:
I was worried no one would know what I was talking about but Bty and Dan assured me they understood: 

But I digress.

I'm not kidding when I say the last 20 minutes of the episode were focused on Chris crying because he was about to miss out on his perfect girl. 
He was angry one minute and then weepy the next. 
She ended up giving him the rose and now she's going to meet his father
The Fantastic Mr. Fox and his sister

Lady Foxface.

That was a terrible joke. 
However, I am cackling at myself. 
I apologize. 

I'm pretty excited for those hometown visits. 
Well 3 of them. 
I could care less what happens at Chris's house. 

But I have a strong feeling she's going to end up with Sean and Jef(f) in the final two.
I can't, nay, won't be convinced that she's going to keep Arie till the end. 
I won't believe it. 
I refuse.
You can't make me. 
Good day sir. 


  1. I really, really do want to marry you. Or at the very least watch the remaining episodes with you. Please. I has so much to say about this post but I'm laughing too hard to type on this stupid iPhone keypad so just know that I loved every second of this. Also Jef(f)'s parents are on a mission for their church. But FBI would also be amazing.

  2. *had
    And where do you live so I can come to your house unnanounced next Monday.

  3. Amen to everything Ashley in WL said (and I appreciate the insider info about one f j)

  4. Ok, this is funniest thing I have ever read.

  5. Another fantastic recap! I will say that while I totes agree with your idea that Jef(f) = Chad from 2Gether, the whole time I'm watching I can ONLY picture Sam from Clarissa Explains it All: http://charactergrades.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/l.jpg

  6. Brilliant. And correct on all counts (except, well, I like Jef more than Sean, and I thought the Marionnettes were hilarious, because obviously the producers made them do it).

    Also, Fox Face. Yes.

    To me it feels that you are also certain, as I am, that this show is ridiculous and stupid and yet so utterly and completely engaging.

  7. his parents are probably missionaries.

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