Aug 14, 2012

The Olympians and Spice Girls motivated me...


As many of you read last week I was all in on the Olympics.
Mainly because of the super fit dudes, but also because watching people be that fantastic at sports is mind blowing to me.

I viewed the majority of the games whilst eating buffalo chicken pizza, and as I was dipping my pizza crust into more ranch dressing, because I'm a mini Paula Deene, I decided I needed to get my life right.

This is not an announcement that I will be participating in the 2016 games.
More like an announcement that I started thinking more seriously about exercise.

Then the Closing Cermonies happened.
I don't know if I've mentioned this before but I'm kind of a Spice Girls super fan.
One summer I made my best friend Catherine watch "Spice World" every day.
She got so fed up she began threatening me that she would tell my crush that I liked him if I asked  her to watch it one more time.
I lasted about 2 hours before asking her if we could spice up our lives with the majestic cinematic adventure that was "Spice World."
She literally marched me down to this boy's house and told me that she would ring the door bell and tell him.
It was then that I took to watching it alone. 

The point of that story is to emphasize the fact that I love them. 
So when I heard that they were reuniting, like all 5 of them, even mother effing Ginger, I was committed. 
About 2 hours into the show I was getting antsy. 
I began lashing out at other performers.


And then it happened.


Did your heart just stop?
Because I mine did.
As I sat on my couch in my platform shoes, Union Jack dress, and Scary Spice wig, I realized I was yet again witnessing greatness.

I mean these women were zooming around on top of cars, hair blowing in the wind.
They looked fabulous!


Meanwhile when the wind blows in my hair I look like this:


These women have had children.
And are in their mid to late 30s and look like that.
I am 25 and lay down after I eat.
It was the final push.
I was going to the gym on Monday.

And I did.
To kickboxing.
Yeah you read that right.
I, Ashley Jones, went to kickboxing.

I went with my boss Emily and my friend/co-worker Gabby.
They were chit chatting before the class while I stood in silent fear of what I was about to get myself into.
I felt dumb.
I knew I was going to make a fool of myself and probably like barf or pass out.
They handed me weights.


Which I didn't really know what do with...
I know. I'm goregous.

Then the class started.
At first it wasn't so bad.
I was kicking and punching and shuffling.
Then she told us to do a bunch of jumping jacks.
Listen, if you have rather large upper deck, you know that jumping jacks aren't a thing you do.
It almost turned into a boxing class, when I was almost assualted by my own boobs.
That was graphic and I apologize but seriously Champion, call me because this sister needs some better support.

I started sweating more than I have ever sweat in my life.
I couldn't even understand what some of the things meant.
I'm pretty sure she was just making sounds.
I ended up having to take my glasses off because they were falling off my face.
Again, you're welcome for that image.
This made things a little more interesting because now I couldn't see.

I'm not lying to you when I say that I started doing my own choreography at one point.
I just started dancing in the back of the class.
Little shuffle steps and kick ball changes.
I started invisioning myself dancing for a spot in Cooper Nielsen's ballet a la "Center Stage" when I heard the instructor say, "OK GUYS ONE MORE"
I was immediatley snapped back down to Earth.
ONE MORE?
We were almost done?
No, no we were not.
We continued to do one more SET of four.
That tricky wench.

So I kept kicking to the front and kicking to the back.
Kicking to one side and then the other.
And then I kicked a girl square in the shin.
I firmly believe that she was kicking the wrong way.

I made it through the whole class and felt pretty good about that as you can see below.
.
Don't worry folks, this will be my main picture on match.com

I looked like a fool but looking around I realized that people were messing up and stopping just as much as me.
I didn't feel so lame.
I'm probably going to go back next week.
And if I keep going I'm going to ask the instructor if she's willing to incoporate some of my jazzercise moves into the routine.
Fingers crossed.


35 comments:

  1. Jonesy, homegirl's gotta double bra it up. I'm talkin' regular bra with sports bra over it. It's the only way. PS - I did a Jillian workout last Monday and then had to take the week off bc a) I was so sore and b) I came down with what may or may not have been a mild case of SARS. Props on working out and admitting you're going to go back!

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    1. I may just triple bra it up dude. And I'm terrified of Jillian, even in my own home. Thanks for commenting and if you ever wanna do a guest blog about your work out/ anything because you're hilarious you just let me know. too much too soon?

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    2. a) Jillian. Yes, she is scareballs all the way. Sometimes I feel like she's truly yelling directly at me. However, I do like to question her (out loud because, hey, she's not here to challenge me) when she's saying things like, "You know when you're gonna be glad you did this? During bikini season when you want that cute bathing suit!" and I'm like...you mean I can't accidentally buy a maternity tankini from Target and call it a day? I digress. And yes, I did buy a maternity tankini once.
      b) Too much too soon? Never. I secretly already feel like we're besties...in a 21st century e-pen pal kind of way. Ya dig? I just bought running shoes and I'm signing up for a 5k in December (it's called the Jingle Bell Run and I'm only going to do it if I can put Buddy the Elf-like slip-ons [with bells] over my running shoes). Anydangways, yeah guest blog re: working out and life in general. This could happen.

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  2. um. your blog AND the first comment is comedic GOLD. never ever stop blogging or I'll kill you. thanks.

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  3. So good Ashley. So good. I especially appreciated the use of the kIck ball change. Don't see that on blogs very much/ever. Hahah
    ps totally went to a kickboxing class at my gym...and actually Passed out in the middle of it. I knew no one and I looked a fool.

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    1. the kick ball change is totally underrated.

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  4. Girlfriend, I am totally coming next time. Please let me know the next time you go and I will skip my crack-of-dawn bodypump class. Or be like Emily and dominate both. That's why she's the associate and I'm the noooobody. Love it.

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  5. Dear Jonsey (can I call you Jonesey? Good.) I am over here from Grace, who I will thank later, and I have to tell you that this is the best post on exercise I've ever read. Ever. I've never watched the Spice Girls movie, but my 10 year old daughter keeps begging me to. If I can do it with some buffalo wing pizza and ranch sauce, I may be able to survive it.

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    1. Cari! Of course you can call me Jonesy! And please, do it for yourself, you won't regret it, watch Spice World. Please. But seriously...do it.

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  6. Came here via Grace and I totally agree with her - nevereverever stop blogging. You are hilarious!!!

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  7. Also visiting via Grace and if she doesn't get to you first, rest assured I will finish off the job if you stop blogging.

    You have now reaffirmed my reasons for never, ever, ever a) doing any kind of exercise class, b) exercising in public or c) all of the above.

    I will stick to looking like a whale with too many fins while sloshing around in my backyard pool. No need to worry about the girls or the sweat. :o)

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    1. I seriously just LOL'd at "too miny fins" that is fantastic.

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  8. You are fabulous, just like a Spice Girl! Slam it to the left, shake it to the right, Jonesy Spice 4 Life!

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    1. Could you possibly record that and send it to me so I can make it my ringtone? Too much?

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  9. Grace sent me, too! She's powerful, yes she is. Also? Double bra is a real thing. It's the only way to go, yo.

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  10. I am so delighted to know that I am not alone in my complete group fitness class failure. So proud of you for signing up for more next week. ROCK ON!

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  11. this was AWESOME. 'I lay down after I eat.' Hhahahah! I do the same, girlfren.

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  12. oh AND your header photo montage is the best i have seen on the webs yet.

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  13. i found you via Camp Patton and i am obsessed with your blog. you bring me out of my weekday stupor and actually get me to LOL. thank you.

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    1. Shannon! Thank YOU! I'm so glad you like it! :)

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  14. Here from Grace as well, and literally crying from laughter while reading this post!

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