Sep 4, 2012

This post is narrated by gifs...


Last week I said that I was giving kickboxing one more try before I broke up with it. 
I lied. 
The thought of going back to kickboxing literally made me want to die.
Mainly because halfway thru the class I knew I'd end up kicking things like this: 



I tried convincing Jill to go but she wasn't having it: 

I'm not saying I'll never go back to kickboxing. 
I am saying that I would have to be in a "Karate Kid" scenario for me to ever return. 
And if I'm in that kind of situation I should really be evaluating my life choices and why I'm being bullied by rich high school kids. 

I digress. 
Although my relationship with kickboxing was about as long as John Mayer and Katy Perry's (boom roasted) I refused to give up on group fitness. 

I've always wanted to try Zumba. 
1. Because it's fun to say.
2. Because I envisioned myself dancing like Jennifer Lopez for an hour. 
Read: A dream come true. 

So I ventured over to the gym with Gabby after work. 
Zumba was scheduled right after kickboxing so it was a little awkward seeing the instructor there. 
I was all like "it's not you it's me" and she was all "whatever I know you've been texting about Zumba." and then I was like, "YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE." 

It was emotional. 
I really went all the way with that joke. 
If you're still reading: I'm sorry. 

When my new teacher walked in I thought that there must have been some mistake. 
She was a little over 15 years old and looked like Taylor Swift. 
Naturally I began to freak out. 
I thought that old ladies taught Zumba and we danced with our hands in the a-yer like we just didn't care. 
The class began with her starting the music and pointing to the right. 
This meant we needed to get to dancing. 

I am not lying to you when I say that the minute this chick started moving her hair was blowing in the breeze like she was standing in front of a fan. 
Actual footage can be seen below:

At first I was so frustrated. 
She was dancing like it was no big thing. 
If I was on an episode of "Dance Moms" she would be at the top of the pyramid and I would have most definitely been on the bottom. 

The whole time I was dancing I could just hear Abby Lee yelling at me. 
So naturally I made up what the dialogue would have been:


"No Abby! I'm trying. I'm just a little light headed....from the spinning and salsa twirls. But do you have any booze because this is starting to feel like a club, and a marg would be kind of awesome." 




 "To be honest Abby I don't really think that's fair...I'm new at this and I'm doing my best. I could really use your support."

 "Ok, but see Abby that's exactly what I'm trying to do here and you're just yelling at me. It's hurting my feelings, and what I'm hearing you say is that I'm not good enough."

I snapped out of my daydream when I heard the sweet sounds of one of the best songs on Earth. 
Perhaps you've heard of it. 
A little tune called, "SPICE UP YOUR LIFE."
That's right. 
This girl was playing the mother effing SPICE GIRLS Y'ALL! 

I looked at Gabby, and literally yelled,
"OH MY GOD IT'S HAPPENING!"

We did the choreography. 
The exact choreography. 
 I slammed it to the left, because I was having a good time. 
I shook it the right because I knew that it felt fine. 
And then I shook it to the front and went around. 
I have never been happier in my life. 
I felt like a Spice Girl. 
Fluffy Spice if you will. 

The next song was the Pussycat Dolls, followed by Beyonce, then by Britney. 
It started feeling less and less like a work out class and more and more like I was auditioning for Diddy's "Making the Band." 

In my head I looked awesome.
My JLO dreams were coming true.
Then I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I didn't look like JLO at all. 
I looked like Amy Poehler in "Mean Girls."

 

I should have been embarassed, but I wasn't. 
I loved Zumba. 
And I'm going back. 
I WIN THIS TIME GROUP FITNESS. 

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go find myself an agent to start booking me on dancing gigs. 
I'll probably be in a theater near you in "Step Up to the Streets Again...because we ran out of other places to step up to..."

I have the worst jokes. 

28 comments:

  1. When I was in high school, my biggest dream was to become a Fly Girl- you know, one of the hip-hop dancers on "In Living Color". My then-boyfriend, now husband made me a mix tape called "Music to move an up and coming Fly Girl". It was awesome. It didn't improve my dancing one bit though, which resembled "The Elaine" from Seinfield much more than a Fly Girl. Still, one can dream, right?
    Maybe Zumba would help make those high school dreams come true.

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  2. Oh Jonsey, I love your blog! Never stop blogging!! You help keep this heart ticking. :) I feel inspired to try zumba now. Keep it up!

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  3. I'm sitting on the couch enjoying my post-Zumba ice cream (I earned it dammit), and reading your blog has my abs jiggling once again. I agree- it is totally addictive, and I often find myself hankering for a mojito during class. Our facility is NOT air conditioned so I sweat an unholy amount- there I nothing pretty about me at Zumba. I believe myself to be quite a star, when in fact I actually look like I'm having a seizure and by the end I people wonder if I ran in front of a fire hose. Keep at it. It only gets more fun!

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  4. Yay Zumba!!! It's my favorite group exercise class too. When I started the instructors all told me that you have to go 3 times before you really feel like youve got the hang of the choreography and then youll be a Zumba dancing master :D keep it up!!

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  5. ...and now I'm in trouble because I'm laughing out loud...at work....you're the best!

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  6. As a fellow group exercise drop out, I heartily applaud your achievement!!!! Thank you for a lovely dose of funny.

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  7. Wow, your post really are fabulous. I love your humor. I love all the gifs. I am just gonna say I love it all. Thanks for the chuckle.

    Jessi

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  8. I have exactly thirteen minutes of computer time, and I am so happy that I chose to 1) visit camp patton, and 2) take Mrs. Patton's advice and come over here for a huge laugh! You are so funny...and a pat on the back for working out in the first place!

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  9. for the record...i love your jokes.

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  10. To read this and laugh is one of the nicest ways to start the day. You almost have me believing that I could go to the gym, take a Zumba class and like it. Awesome!!!

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  11. OMG...I just laughed so loud and long in my corporate office cube lit by flourescent lights. Thank you for that! Awesome.

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  12. I don't know you but I think I love you. I'll now think I'm all up in 'da club the next time I take Zumba!

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  13. Dear Jonesface, I would just like to make it known that the last time (read: the only time) I ever did Zumba I thought I was kicking some serious A...but then I went home, got a migraine, passed out on an uncomfortable bench for 6 hours, and vowed never to return. Dammit, you make me want to go back. Kinda like LOST/Jack - WE HAVE TO GO BACK. No Losties here? Sorry. I'll just show myself out then.

    Anydangways, thanks for the inspirational group fitness post. My upstairs neighbor teaches Jazzercise (Um, this still exists? Hey, 1997.) so maybe I'll take her up on the free pass she offered to me. She prob did it because she feels bad for me. I mean, if you saw my rotund-ness trying to haul groceries into the apt. complex in one load (thus resulting in panting/gasping/arm cramps) you'd prob try to offer me some healthy tips, too. Sigh.

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  14. fantastic jones. I feel the need to try zumba now...maybe they will take requests for spice girls...

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