Oct 17, 2012

I've Got Beef

I'm about to break it down for everyone. 
I love love. 
I love happy couples. 
I love weddings. 
Hell I'm in one in 2 days for my best friend Jess:


 I love it when 2 people get together and unite as one in holy matrimony and let me get in a photo booth for hours on end.
THAT'S WHAT TRUE LOVE IS ALL ABOUT PEOPLE.
It's no secret that I get emotionally attached to couples on television. 
I have made that abundantly clear in many of my blog posts. 
When I found out that Katie Holmes talked to Joshua Jackson I started preparing their wedding invitations. 
To confirm, the names on the invitation read: Pacey Witter and Joey Potter. 
When Matt Saracen & Julie Taylor got engaged on "Friday Night Lights" I looked online to see where they registered, because "Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose" would look sensational monogrammed onto a kitchen towel sold at Crate & Barrel. 
When people have cute engagement pictures and post them online, I sob over my bag of potato chips and how precious they are. 
(I'm definitely sobbing at the cuteness, and not the fact that I'm 25 single, and the last guy to message me on OKCupid told me how "NyCe my LiPz b.")
 I love couples. 
Love them. 
However, I would like to send a message to a specific kind of couple taking their love to the streets and couples of the world that I'm invested in.
First street couples. 
You may not know me, so let me introduce myself.
My name is Jones. 
I'm really happy that you're in love. 
Like so happy for you. 
However, when walking down a crowded street it is OK for you to separate hands for single folks to pass in between you. 
Although Red Rover was a fun game to play when I was in 3rd grade, being closed lined by you two love birds is truly infuriating. 
We're all walking down the street, not trying to get in the last remaining life boat together on the Titanic. 
Letting go for one second isn't going to send your boyfriend/girlfriend to the bottom of the ocean.

 To couples of the world that I've invested my time in. 
Please read: Jef(f) & Emily.
WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?
REALLY YOU GUYS? 
YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT WORK?
I believed in you. 
I stalked your instagram/Twitter accounts uncontrollably. 
I ALMOST CANCELLED MY MEMBERSHIP TO US WEEKLY BECAUSE I WAS CONVINCED THEY WERE SPOUTING LIES ABOUT YOU. 

WHO IS GOING TO CONTINUE COACHING RICKI'S SOCCER TEAM-THE STRING BEANS?
DID YOUR TRIP TO AFRICA MEAN NOTHING?!

I am fully aware that I'm typing in all CAPS about a couple that based their relationship on who got a pretty red flower each week but dammit that was a good 3 months of my life. 

I do this every time.
I get so invested. 
I fall for their stories. 
I think it's precious when they fall in love. 
I watch fan tribute videos on Youtube.
And then just like that with no consideration of my feelings, they end it. 
Sure, whatever, they'll remain friends and still talk. 
WILL THEY THOUGH? HOW ARE YOU GOING TO REMAIN FRIENDS WHEN YOU DON'T FOLLOW EACH OTHER ON TWITTER?
Real friends @reply to other friends jokes. 
That's how it works jerks. 

I would like to point out that while America was in the middle of watching the Presidential Debates I was expressing my disdain for the break up. 
Joe then pointed out how I was really tackling the tough issues:

I'm upset America. 
Real upset. 

Yes....I did make that. 


You're welcome.
 

25 comments:

  1. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

    At least I heard it from a friend. An internet friend.

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  2. Annnnnd, now I'm going to get in trouble for laughing at work.

    My husband's advice when I get too emotionally involved in celebrity stuff? "Why do you care about them, they don't care about you". He's a wise man, that one.

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  3. I've been waiting for you to address the Jemily separation and...it hurts. Everyone is texting me and FB-ing me with NEENER NEENER NEENER-ish sentiments. And then Jef(f) went to play golf with Arie in AZ last night?! COME THE HELL ON. OK, so I get overly attached to celeb couples. Sorry I'm not sorry. We should probably start some sort of post-Jemily breakup "It gets better" campaign. Thoughts?

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    Replies
    1. You and me are made for each other dude. M.F.E.O.

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  4. Thank you for tackling this! I thought of you right away when I saw the news, I am not joking! Maybe a memorial tribute page, like for obits?

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  5. OMG, you never fail to make me laugh! Btw, I'm not sure how this will make you feel, but when I read that they split up, one of the first people I thought of was you. Yes, we've never talked or met, but in my mind Emily, Jef, and Ashley all went together. I say you sneak in and comfort Jef's broken heart!

    Also, speaking of street couples that go to far, did you read this in the news the other day?
    http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/fla-couple-sex-restaurant-table-article-1.1185496

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    Replies
    1. I'm stalking his instagram account like it's nobody's business. I'm all over it.

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  6. Jones- My friend just passed along your blog and I could not stop laughing last night. You are an amazing witty writer! I loved your comment about not letting go of each others hands and possibly sinking to the bottom of the ocean...haha. Anyways, I want to tell all my friends about your blog, because you are hilarious! Would you be interested in guest posting on my blog? If so, just shoot me an email! I hope you can!!

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    Replies
    1. Sheila! Thank you so much! I'd love to do a guest post. That would be awesome! You're the best.

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  7. This is the best post that is out on the internet.
    Did I write this in my sleep?
    Because I feel the same way.

    Jef with one F was my favorite from day one...now, I feel like we should all just probably give up.

    For good.

    REMEMBER THE MARIONETTES!?!?
    God, that was cute.

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    Replies
    1. OMG. That was precious. Why do they have to play us like that? WHY AUB?

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