I've Got Beef
I'm about to break it down for everyone.
I love love.
I love happy couples.
I love weddings.
Hell I'm in one in 2 days for my best friend Jess:
I love it when 2 people get together and unite as one in holy matrimony and let me get in a photo booth for hours on end.
THAT'S WHAT TRUE LOVE IS ALL ABOUT PEOPLE.
It's no secret that I get emotionally attached to couples on television.
I have made that abundantly clear in many of my blog posts.
When I found out that Katie Holmes talked to Joshua Jackson I started preparing their wedding invitations.
To confirm, the names on the invitation read: Pacey Witter and Joey Potter.
When Matt Saracen & Julie Taylor got engaged on "Friday Night Lights" I looked online to see where they registered, because "Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose" would look sensational monogrammed onto a kitchen towel sold at Crate & Barrel.
When people have cute engagement pictures and post them online, I sob over my bag of potato chips and how precious they are.
(I'm definitely sobbing at the cuteness, and not the fact that I'm 25 single, and the last guy to message me on OKCupid told me how "NyCe my LiPz b.")
I love couples.
However, I would like to send a message to a specific kind of couple taking their love to the streets and couples of the world that I'm invested in.
First street couples.
You may not know me, so let me introduce myself.
My name is Jones.
I'm really happy that you're in love.
Like so happy for you.
However, when walking down a crowded street it is OK for you to separate hands for single folks to pass in between you.
Although Red Rover was a fun game to play when I was in 3rd grade, being closed lined by you two love birds is truly infuriating.
We're all walking down the street, not trying to get in the last remaining life boat together on the Titanic.
Letting go for one second isn't going to send your boyfriend/girlfriend to the bottom of the ocean.
To couples of the world that I've invested my time in.
Please read: Jef(f) & Emily.
WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?
REALLY YOU GUYS?
YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT WORK?
I believed in you.
I stalked your instagram/Twitter accounts uncontrollably.
I ALMOST CANCELLED MY MEMBERSHIP TO US WEEKLY BECAUSE I WAS CONVINCED THEY WERE SPOUTING LIES ABOUT YOU.
WHO IS GOING TO CONTINUE COACHING RICKI'S SOCCER TEAM-THE STRING BEANS?
DID YOUR TRIP TO AFRICA MEAN NOTHING?!
I am fully aware that I'm typing in all CAPS about a couple that based their relationship on who got a pretty red flower each week but dammit that was a good 3 months of my life.
I do this every time.
I get so invested.
I fall for their stories.
I think it's precious when they fall in love.
And then just like that with no consideration of my feelings, they end it.
Sure, whatever, they'll remain friends and still talk.
WILL THEY THOUGH? HOW ARE YOU GOING TO REMAIN FRIENDS WHEN YOU DON'T FOLLOW EACH OTHER ON TWITTER?
Real friends @reply to other friends jokes.
That's how it works jerks.
I would like to point out that while America was in the middle of watching the Presidential Debates I was expressing my disdain for the break up.
Joe then pointed out how I was really tackling the tough issues:
I'm upset America.
Yes....I did make that.