Naked Gets A Rose...

Last night I was real tired.

The kind of tired where going to bed at 7:30 seemed acceptable.

Then I remembered:

PEOPLE ARE GETTING NAKED ON THE BACHELOR.

So I changed into Bach uniform:

 sweats, t-shirt, robe, ponytail & glasses.

You may be thinking, "but Jones isn't that also your Hoarders, Storage Wars, 30 Rock, Lifetime Movie marathon uniform too?"

No silly goose.

I don't wear a robe when I watch those shows.

As I settled in I was pretty confident in my fantasy team:

My bonus pick (who was gonna get the boot) was Elyse.

I was still pretty confused about who she was and why she was still there.

I picked my girl Kacie (duh.) and Jamie & Jennifer because they had been some of his favorites.

Especially Jennifer.

Honestly she was becoming my solid second choice. 

Which was a conflict of interest for me because her fake red hair still qualified her as a Ging...and they make me nervous.

(Kidding...kind of.)

 Moving on...

I've decided that my favorite part of the show is the 3 seconds that Chirs Harrison shows up to give the girls the 411 about the next few days.

He can not get out of there fast enough.

It cracks me up:

"Yo girls. We're in Puerto Rico, everyone gets a date, blah blah blah, roses, stuff, things, blah blah. Imma go get a tan. Later skanks."

The first date of the episode started with Ben and Nikki.

Naturally he picked her up in his helicopter.

Those girls are going to be real disappointed when he rolls up to their house in his 2008 Jetta for the rest of their real dating lives.

But whatever.

I digress.

This date...

I'll tell you what.

First they end up sitting outside a church watching a wedding while they talk about Nikki's divorce.

Then it starts to rain while they're eating churros.

How unplanned & romantic.

So they ran for shelter, couldn't find anything, and ended up making out in the rain.

If that sounds familiar it's because it's how every Taylor Swift song begins.

Because they were soaked the had to go get new outfits.

This is what Ben chose:

I mean I don't know why he's held out for so long to tell us he was heir to the KFC throne.

 Not to mention that the rain made his bangs frizz out.

If I were Nikki I would have asked for a rain check.

(Get it...because it rained? No? Just me? Is this thing on?)

But bing bang boom the date went well she's still around.

Hopefully Ben's outfit is not.

The next date was a group date full of baseball and stress.

The girls played against each other and were really good.

I was getting legitmately nervous about the whole thing.

Mainly because I wanted Kacie B to get to go to the fun after party with Ben.

And to see what Courtney was going to do.

To say I wasn't sitting on the edge of my seat like it was the World Series would be a lie.

Because I was.

I might have yelled, "GET IT TOGETHER GIRLS F."

I can neither confirm or deny.

Kacie and crew won.

You know what picked them up from the field?

That's right Dan.

Another Helicopter.

The other girls had to take a bus back to the hotel like a bunch of losers.

When the winning team went back to the resort to have the rest of their group date with Ben Courtney planted the seed to skinny dip by whispering sweet nothings into his ear.

Ben was like,

"Ha ha ...um...yes please? I mean no. I can't. I'm busy. Naked. Boobs. What? Sorry my mom's calling me..hang on. CHRIS? I NEED AN ADULT."

He was real smooth about it.

He ended up giving my #1 fav Kacie B the rose guarenteeing her a spot next week.

Excellent.

However, Courtney couldn't resist a good dig at her expense.

She said Kacie was too young and unexperienced. Ben needed someone more.

Because after having gone to the Golden Globes, and Puerto Rico twice...she's well traveled & precisely what Ben is looking for.

Ben's date with Elyse was next and it was bad from the start.

#1. If your first date with the dude is 4 weeks in he doesn't like you too much. He just forgot you were there.

#2. Don't tell a dude you're just tired of being single.

#3. Telling a guy you've only been on ONE date with that you think your FIRST date should involve getting married will only lead to pain.

Being that their date was on a boat I had a million "Titanic" jokes I wanted to make.

Dan sent me the following link:

Precisely.

After their dinner conversation Ben sent her on a tug boat back to the big boat and peaced out.

Poor thing...

Hopefully a cab picked her up and brought her immediately back to her natural habitat:

The Jersey Shore.

When he got back to the hotel Courtney was there waiting for him.

And "convinced" Ben to go skinny dipping.

They stripped down and she threw her cute little training bra into the wind and it was flirty.

And I was pissed.

Not because she was skankin' it up.

Because she threw her bra and it looked cute and dainty.

My bras could be attached to a sailboat and bring it thru a storm.

There is no de-clothing that would make me look remotely attractive.

And for that I hate her even more.

After the whole shabang,

Whoretney said,

"I think I'm winning."

I'm not an expert but:

Paper covers rock.

Rock beats scissors.

NAKED GETS A ROSE.

DUH YOU'RE WINNING.

Dan said it best:

The end of the night was a little surprising because he ended up sending Jennifer home.

Ugh.

She was also an uglier crier than Kim Kardashian.

I didn't now that was really possible.

The previews for the next few weeks have helicopters and crying so it looks like the season is going to carry on with its awesome self.

I will now leave you with two things:

1. This hilarious video:

&

2. This picture that Dan sent me earlier this afternoon:

You're welcome.

THANKS FOR NOTHING SEACREST

 Tonight was the season finale of Kourtney & Kim Take New York. 

I've watched the show all season. 

Waiting. 

Just waiting for the final blow up.

The only really shocking thing of the entire episode was realizing that I agreed with Kris Humphries. 

Kris and Kim were fighting over closet space in her palatial LA home. 

She claimed there was no room. 

He said she was being awful.

I agreed: 

Kris was right one time. 

That's all I'll give him credit for. 

Now Joe will never let me live it down, because he is firmly back on Kris's side. 

The battle never ends. 

After all the crying, ghost whispering, and passive aggressive fighting I thought it was all coming down to the big shabang. 

And you know what?

THEY DIDN'T EVEN SHOW THE EFFING BREAK UP. 

I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO SHOW US THEM FILMING AN EPISODE OF DIVORCE COURT. 

OR RETURNING WEDDING GIFTS.

OR ACTUALLY YELLING:

"I WANT A DIVORCE."

We got nothing. 

Well that's not true.
We got strung along for 3 months with the promise that we would see it all end. 

Which I think as a collective audience we deserve after devoting 4 hours to the wedding special and an hour every Sunday to their lives. 

(Was that just me?)

Instead we just had Kris trolling around the house looking for Kim while carrying the baby like it was a bag of chips he found on top of the fridge.

My friend Lauren tweeted what I truly believe Kris thought in that moment: 

I mean carrying Mason with him to find his crying wife is a good move. 

The kid is cute. 

Plus he has an iPad. 

(I have a Kindle Fire...do you think he'd still be friends with me?)

In hindsight I should have just checked out like Joey:

I'm ready for Khloe & Lamar. 

They are adorable. 

Joe's not taking it so well. 

He really thought those two crazy kids were gonna make it. 

Joe also wants to campaign for Kris to be the next Bachelor. 

If that EVER happens I will never even turn my TV to ABC again. 

Which is extremely unfortunate because that is a channel where a lot of my stories come on. 

I feel so used. 

I got wrapped up in this fairytale and now I'm just not myself anymore.

I think I'll go put on non-waterproof mascara and cry about it

until someone comes and checks on me.

Pugs not Drugs

In just about every other blog post I talk about my best friend Sara. 

We had the same interview day for our grad program, got into the same school, made a pact to run a 5k together, and the rest is history. 

Typical love story. 

Now we work together for our graduate assistantship:

Bring us your resumes and cover letters...we're real good at fixin' them up right.

We pretty much do everything together. 

We also prank people a lot. 

It's kind of our thing.

Today I sent Sara a story about a reddit user who pranked his little cousin by sending him continuous updates from a "Cat Facts" autobot. 

It went something like this: 

Source

We immediately thought we would prank our friend Shelly who we work with.
She knew it was us right away.

Mainly because I had posted it on Facebook earlier in the day.
(I'm not the brightest)

So we waited and we plotted and we came up with our next victim:
Sara's cousin/best friend & my buddy
Rachel:

She loves pugs.
Loves them.
Even owns two.

So we had our subject and our victim.
Excellent.

Seeing as our first attempt had failed so miserably we were certain we'd have the same result.
However,  about 3 minutes after we sent it from our new alias Rachel posted the following on her Facebook:

We were in.
We soldiered on.

Did it make sense?
No.
Did it make us die laughing.
YUP!

We proceeded:

Finally when we couldn't breath from laughing we decided to reveal ourselves.
The three of us truly treasure the "Honey Badger"
so we felt this would be our best tell:

Was it a mature way to spend a Thursday night?
No.

Was it incredibly fun?
Sure was.

Also in case you were wondering here's what the process is for a pug to write their local representative:

The end.

Make me a bicycle clown

I don't know if you know this about me but

I'm a little scatter brained. 

Putting me in a classroom is kindddd of a disaster. 

Starting in good ole kindergarten I got in trouble for talking ALL THE TIME.

It is customary for all professional talkers to show your opponent all of your teeth. 

Shocking to all of you. 

I know. 

What I found helped me become less of a menace was for me to doodle during class. 

I participated more, stopped asking to braid the hair of the kid sitting next to me, the usual. 

Teachers seemed to love it.

I was finally quiet. 

When I got to High School I started decorating my friends agenda books with various designs and things. 

My number one request for birthdays, Christmas, and random Tuesdays were gel pens, roller gel pens, colored pencils, markers, etc. 

I had to keep my doodle hustle strong. 

When I got to college I had to explain that I wasn't drawing to hold off my hangover, 

and although they were suspicious at first, my professors and bosses let it happen. 

The pattern has continued into grad school. 

My supervisor immediately sent me the following video when she saw my habit

and told me she supported my endeavors.

She's pretty much the best. 

This drawn out (ha...pun intended) story has a purpose. We're almost there I promise. 

I usually would just throw away whatever I drew when a class or meeting was over. 

One day my best friend Sara

finally had enough and said, 

"STOP THROWING THOSE AWAY. IF YOU AREN'T GONNA KEEP THEM I WILL."

I said "Dang. Ok."

So I handed over my most recent project.

Animals as famous musicians/actors:

 LIONel Richie

 Tim McCrawfish

 Ryan Gosling....get it because baby geese are called goslings?

 Vanilla Mice

Justin Beaver

The other day I turned Harry Potter characters into animals.

(That's kind of my thing I guess):

 Hippo Potter

 Hermione Hermit Crab

 Ron WEASELy

 Bahhhhagrid

(He's a sheep)

These gems got Sara thinking & I gotta say I love what she came up with. 

Every class/meeting/event we attend where I have to pay attention she's going to give me a prompt of something I have to doodle. 

Today I did my first two which I will share with you now.

My first prompt was 

"Mexican Food performing a show"

The result:

"Little Orphan Mannie"

This scene portrays Mannie meeting his fake parents 

Chim, a Chimichanga

& 

Tori, a Tortilla Chip

In this scene

Mannie is shocked that his real parents have shown up out of the blue, because he thought his parent were killed in an unfortunate salsa incident.

When I was done with that and took a break,

I was given my second and final prompt of the day:

"Teapots on Vacation."

Challenge accepted.

 I changed it to 

"Angry Tea Pots on Vacation"

This family of tea pots went to Disney World to stay with their old friend Mrs. Potts. 

They toured the park and were disgusted when they stumbled upon the tea cup ride. 

How dare they mix business with pleasure. 

Moral of the story?

I'm really weird. 

If you like these bad boys I'll share them with you all the time.

If you'd rather never have to see these again, 

I also understand. 

Your thoughts?

Sleeping with the fishes

Well I've either stooped to a new low or reached a new high because this week I have started a "Fantasy Bachelor" team.

My friend Carly told me about it and now Dan is in on the action.
I'm so excited.

Now onto the episode.

This week's episode of "The Bachelor" was .....a lot. 

Some things remain the same. 

Ben has bangs. 

Ben needs a hair straightener. 

Blah blah blah.

Ben took the ladies to Salt Lake City.
Chris informed the ladies of the following:

(J/K)

After they were shown their living arrangements the drama began.
What I've noticed is that Ben takes these girls to REALLY secluded areas.

First he took Rachel (by helicopter) to a quiet spot on in the mountains so they could canoe and have a picnic & the most awkward date ever. 

If the only thing a guy could come up with during a full minute of silence while staring at you is

"Oh and over there is a beaver dam..."

 You should probably just call your helicopter and tell him you're ready to be picked up. 

Although the presence of a woodland creature probably would have made the occasion much more enjoyable for both of them. 

Then he took the red head, (Jennifer?), to some crater (yes an actual crater)

where they dove into the abyss. 

Then made out while treading water. 

To me both of those things do not sound romantic. 

They sound tiring and stressful. 

Call me old fashioned. 

The group date is when things got really interesting. Ben took the girls horse back riding and fly fishing.

For some reason everyone knew how to ride a horse without a farm attendant guiding them.

It was impressive.

When the women found out they were fly fishing things got real.

They were fishing like Ben was going to leave them out in the wilderness to fend for themselves.
It made me wonder:

Of course all the women were hoping that a river shark was going to swim by and eat Courtney.

It didn't happen.

What did happen was that she was the first one to catch a fish.

Of course she used her baby voice and was "adorable to Ben."

Meanwhile Kacie B was becoming a little unhinged.

That stressed me out more than Courtney's murderous glances at the other women.

I need her to remain sane as she is the one that I see going all the way to the end.

She did end up coming around and having a good conversation with Ben.

I was certain she was going to get the rose during the date.

But Courtney threw a hissy fit which made Ben feel bad for her thus giving her the rose.

That girl is a genius.

Ben is falling right into her trap.

It.is.fascinating.

Something else happened this episode that was confusing.

I felt that women who I'd never seen before were showing up.

First it was a

girl named Samantha (who?) that said that she wanted alone time with Ben.

She also said that she should already have a ring on her finger because they had such a connection.

Dan & I had the same reactions:

Ben was also confused by who she was, because he said

"Thanks but no thanks" and sent her packing.

Later on in the night he gave a rose to Elise.

Maybe they're just filler dates?

I'm expecting him to give a rose to like a dude hanging out by the craft services table next.

At the award rose ceremony a "meow down" as ABC called it, occured between Courtney and Emily.

Emily tried to clue Ben in on C-Money. 

He was not having it. 

Word got back to Courtney and I'm fairly certain Emily became a missing person after filming. 

She not only told Emily to "watch herself":

                               

But she also rubbed that damn rose all over her face again.

Apparently the rose rub is a thing that is sweeping the nation because I got the following text message from my little:

Courtney also kept saying,

 "I'm a really nice person..."

which was followed by

"I just want to rip her head off and verbally assault her."

I couldddd be wrong but that isn't usually considered nice.

Dan was also concerned:

At the end of the day he said good-bye to Monica:

At the end of the episode Ben told the women that he was taking them to Puerto Rico.

Most of the women acted like they were on an "Oprah's Favorite Things" episode.

Courtney on the other hand said, "I was there two months ago."

She is the Gretchen Weiners of this show.

I can't wait to see what happens next week.

She goes skinny dipping with Ben.

SKINNY DIPPING.

It's getting real folks.

It is getting reallllllllllllll.