Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I will not dignify Ben's actions with a response...

Yes I will.
But first, let me apologize yet again for a late update.
Don't worry I've already been scolded:
He runs a tight ship.

So here's the thing. 
I can't wait for this season to be OVER.
Ben is a infuriating. 

I've since coped with the fact that Kacie B. is no longer a contestant for his heart or for the next Bachelorette.
More on her later.

I took the loss of Kacie so well because
I had a new favorite. 
Nikki. 
Sure she mentioned that she was divorced 8-10 times like she was being sponsored by "The Broken Marriage Foundation"
But she was so nice.
She still pretended like riding in a helicopter was a treat.
She got excited about the fire place in the fantasy suite.
Just so lovely.
Until,
naturally Ben saw through her BULL CRAP and sent her home.
Nikki clearly was the bad apple in the bunch.
Sike.

He took Horzeface, rather Lindzi with a "z," on another date where they yet again faced her fear of heights (and commitment).
At this point if I was Horzeface I would be pissed.
TWO DATES where I'm up in the air, suspended?
It's becoming insensitive.
One date at or below sea level would be acceptable dude.

His date with Courtney was full of deep conversations.
Like yelling, "Hey Cow" to see if the bovines in the area responded.
Emotionally gripping stuff.

There was crazy eye twitch from her when Ben told her he had several girl friends, a mom, and sister and was concerned for how she would treat them.
My initial thought was: they're already dead.
But she played it off and solidified her spot to the final rose.

Of course all women took the invitation to the Fantasy Suite, or as I see it:
Dan kept a tally all night.

Much to many of my Bachelor buddies' surprise  there was a brand new banana sandwich.

Good ole' Kacie was back to figure out what went wrong.
Ben was "shocked" to see her.
I say "shocked" because I struggle finding emotion in his robot features.
He told Kacie is was due to her family's wishes not matching up with his.
(Please read: I was definitely gonna get to the smush room with Courtney and I didn't get that DTF vibe from you.)

Kacie had a quick response:
It did not.
She was sent home again

First she needed a moment to plot  rest...on the floor of the hallway in the hotel. 
Because she's a lady. 

And then walked into the sunset.
I don't know if she was over eager or what but if she waited like ONE more week she could have saved her self the plane trip and waited until the "Women Tell All" special.

I'm ready for the next season.
This is getting old...
Courtney and Ben will be the next Vienna and Jake.
Chris will do a therapy session in a special 2 hour special where Ben addresses the new facial scar he got from "being careless and walking into Courtney's knife."

This has run its course.
I'm ready for babes in the boy sense of the word.
The final rose ceremony cannot come fast enough. 

Friday, February 24, 2012

Now hiring full time chaperone

I'm searching for a job. 
This whole grad school experience is leading up to a full time position at an institution of higher learning. 
I'll be entrusted with students and their development, and one day may even be the one in charge. 

So in this job hunt I've been working to become more of an adult. 
To prove to myself and all my friends and family that I'm not some 25 year old goob.
It's not going well you guys. 

For instance tonight I spent a good 20 minutes trying to figure out how to make this my text tone:

I also spent a better portion of the evening eating pizza and watching MTV with my roommate Eric.

I also recognized that the top three emails in my inbox consisted of two order confirmations from Jimmy Johns (my lunch) and Pizza Hut (my dinner), and the delivery of my Hunger Games ringtone. 

I have sent my cover letter to friends and family to proof read with the subject title as: I can haz job?
a la:

I start emails to my supervisor, "Dear Traceface..."

I had to force myself not to talk like Barbara, Janelle's mom from "Teen Mom 2," when I had a student with the last name "Kieffer"come in for a resume review.
It was painful for me to turn down the opportunity to yell, 
"I KNOW YOU BEEN HANGING AROUND WIT KIEFFAH JANELLE!"
Painful.

So in an attempt to really steer myself in the right direction I took advantage of a Groupon (a very adult thing to do) and ordered professional thank you cards and an engraved pen to take with me on interviews and such. 

I did it all by myself. 
Unsupervised. 
When Sara was done with her meeting I showed her all of my purchases. 
When I showed her my new fancy pen she gasped out loud. 
Which made me think, 
"Dang Sara is real jealous of my fly writing utensil. Score one for me."

Then she said, 
"Ashley...you spelled your name wrong."


That I did. 
Ashey A. Jones here, at your service. 



Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I fell off the face the earth...

By no means do I think people wait by their computers to read my thoughts but I'm sorry for slacking on the "Bachelor" blog this week. 
This has been a crazy week and a half. 
Between job hunting and finishing huge projects so I can graduate I'm feeling a little 
Jessie Spano-ish about life.

But don't worry I still made time to watch the Bach. 
I know this isn't the most timely review but I think this week was something....special. 

First, I thought I would be super bummed seeing Kacie go home. 
However, I think it was for the best. 
I feel like she was slowly unraveling the closer it got to the end and that made me a little nervous. 
I think my first hint that it was probably the last night for Kaceface was when she did her baton twirling thing again. 
I have a feeling that's a one time showcase for the dude you love. 
The second time it starts getting a little weird. 


My other hint was that her family was a little.....off.
I think the best way to describe them is by saying that the dad from "Footloose" is based on Kacie's father. 
He was creepy as all get out. 
I'm fairly certain Kacie isn't allowed to dance. 
And while I was hoping Ben would proclaim, "Nobody puts Kacie in a corner," 
(Yes I know two different movies but both with such amazing choreography)
he did not. 

He did however become a human rickshaw at Lindzi's house. 
I have to admit they seemed like a nice normal family
with sprawling acres of land, an outdoor fire pit, multiple horse carriages, and race track. 
Dan summed it up nicely:

He also met Nikki's family (my new favorite) 
and seemed to have a great time. 
And clearly by saying he had a great time I'm including that fact that he looked like a huge douche with that hat on. 
George Straight you are not my friend. 
But they were still pretty adorable, and I think that Nikki will be a lovely second place to Courtney. 

Am I sounding cynical yet?
Because I am. 
That broad Courtney is so weird and so awful but so mesmerizing.

Her date was last and I gotta say she really brought it this week. 
My observations:
1. I don't think that was her real family as I am positive that her real family is trapped in a storage unit somewhere, just praying that "Storage Wars" begins filming in Arizona so they can be found. 
2. That "mock" wedding wasn't fake...I bet she got a marriage license and those two clowns are legally married in the state of Arizona. 
3. This bow tie sitch:
is awful. 
4. This made me barf.

Now I could go on and rant that Ben is an idiot for not seeing what a loon Whoretney is,
but at this point I kind of want to see where this thing goes. 

They're going to Switzerland next week and I can only imagine what she can do in a mountainous terrain. 
She could lure Lindzi out into the wilderness with a horse faster than I can say Toblerone. 
And we will never see Lindzi with a "z" again. 
It's going to be a mess. 

My friend Brittany told me we haven't seen the last of Kacie. 
So I can only imagine what that has to offer. 

Although her crying started off as silent weeping it quickly turned into yelling and screaming, 
"WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME."

Also interpreted as: "I'M CUTTING ALL THE WIRES IN THE HELICOPTER THEY TAKE TO SWITZERLAND!" 

It's going to be AWESOME.


 

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Stair Master

What last week lacked in awesome, this week surely made up for it.
First Dan was back in the mix.
Which meant all was right with the world.

 And my friend J revealed himself as a watcher as well.
Excellent!

This week was all about Courtney.
Which is why the show is so good.
The other girls are sweet and all about building long lasting relationships...with each other.
Snoozefest.

I love Kacie B and I'm glad she's sticking around.
Do I think she'll be a Bachelorette contestant at some point?
I do.
Why?
Because Courtney is going to win.

That broad is BANANAS.
She makes Ben so nervous that he literally does whatever she tells him too.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

First the girls were in Belize.
Super nice.

The first date of the night was with Lindzi with a "z"
On a helicopter.
I'm fairly certain that by the end of this season everyone will have their pilot's license.
This time they jumped out of the helicopter.
Lindzi was afraid of heights.
She took a leap...like she took a leap falling for Ben.

So many metaphors were happening that I think I blacked out.

They dove into this thing called "The Blue Hole" which made me giggle because I'm 9.
Then they started making out while treading water.
I've said this before but that sounds MISERABLE to me.
I would sink faster than Jack did in "Titanic."

The group date involved swimming with sharks.
F that noise.
I would have made sure I was busy that day.
I had a theory:
However,
the biggest part of the whole episode was really showing how much power Courtney has over Ben and the whole situation.

She continuously said that she wasn't sure if she would take Ben home to her family.


She also kept saying she didn't know if there was still a "spark."

Ben picked her for the 1:1 date and took her to a temple...with about a billion steps.
AKA my worst nightmare.
Here's how it would have gone had it been me on this date:
Ben: "We're going to climb these temple steps."
Me: "Um suck it."

I mean  I DID conquer the Rocky steps while visiting Philly this weekend:


But there is no way in Hell I would climb those effing steps.


Dan was concerned about the date for other reasons:

Ben plays into her hands so easily.
He said he wants someone who is weird and unique.
Well, if by unique you mean someone capable of successfully hiding a body then Courtney is your girl.
Ben asked her why she wasn't friends with the other girls.
She said they were vanilla and boring.
Plus she had a lot of guy friends.
Please read:
The other women tried to let Ben know that she was bananas.
He pulled her aside AGAIN to talk to her.

She made weird baby voices and oddly chatted with her pina colada.
Apparently that was her just being adorable and "unique" because
even though the other women thought she was leaving
home girl is sticking around.

She skipped to get her rose and of course rubbed it all over her face.
The women were appalled.

The saga continues.
She's going to win people.
We need to start coming to terms with it.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Here's how I know I'm easily distracted

As a lot of you know I work in the Career Center as an advisor.
I'm lucky enough to have a cube that faces a window that looks out on this real cool pine tree.

I stare at it a lot.
Sometimes during appointments.
Sometimes I stop talking to a student because I get so distracted by this one squirrel that is always hanging out in the same spot every day.

I named him Marvin.
I don't know why.


Yesterday it was snowing and Marvin was hanging out as per usual.
Double whammy on the distraction scale for me.

I was doing a resume review, and suddenly realized that I had stopped mid-sentence and hadn't said a word for a weird extended amount of time.
I did the most professional thing I could think of by telling the student:
"Sorry I blacked out for a minute...I was distracted by the....snow..."
Why that student let me continue on with their appointment is beyond me.

 Today I was helping a student make another important life decision: changing their major.
I glanced outside and then did a double take because Marv was very still.
I'm not going to lie I thought my fictional pet was dead for a hot second.
Then I realized he was NAPPING.

Here he is:

It took all the will power I had not to point it out to the student and take a picture during their appointment but I was freaking out on the inside.

A SQUIRREL TAKING A NAP.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
THAT IS EFFING ADORABLE.

I didn't even know woodland creatures took breaks!
The rest of the student's appointment I kept side glancing at the tree to make sure he was still there.
I couldn't miss capturing this precious moment.

When they left I grabbed my phone and took pictures.

I then told my friend Steve what I had seen:


And that is exactly what I did.



You are welcome for the DUMBEST blog post I have ever written.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

My first kiss went a little like this...

Before I start I want to let you know something.
I'll do my best to not cry like this while I reveal my deepest darkest secret:


I kinda cheated on "The Bachelor" last night.
Only a little bit though you guys.
I watched some of "The Voice" on commercials.
There I said it.
It's out there.
Hopefully you can love me through it.

My viewing party looked a little like this:

I ate cake out of a cat cup.
 While rocking a fancy side pony & TMNT shirt.

The ladies were in Panama this week.
Ben took my favorite Kacie B. on a 1:1 date.

To a deserted island.
You wanna know how they got there?

I'll give you a guess.
It rhymes with shmellicopter.

They had to take a boat, a ride on a dolphin fin, and then body surf into the actual date location I think because it seemed like the longest commute ever.
When they finally got there Ben revealed that he brought a machete.


Be still my heart.

They caught a fish in a net. Made out.
She got a rose.
Score.

Leading up to the group date Courtney said, "skinny dipping" about 48 times.
Because I don't know if you know this but she skinny dipped with Ben last week.

Everything that had water was a new place they could skinny dip according to her.
"That puddle over there...a great spot."
"That bird bath...could be naked in it no problem."
"The pool...too easy...but yes I'd be naked in it with Ben."
"I could stand next to this water fountain naked while Ben splashed me...naked."

I mean jeez girl. Act like ya been there before.

They took a boat
(so low rent)
to an abandoned island.
It could be my hillbilly roots shining thru but it totally looked like the beginning of an episode of
"Swamp People."

I thought about it for a second and then realized asking Courtney to hold any weapon was a bad idea.

They "stumbled" upon an island of natives and hung out with them for the day.
Coincidentally they had just enough traditional garb for everyone.
Including a loin cloth for Ben.
Naturally.

Courtney ran with the phrase "When in Rome..."
and went bikini-less when changing into her new gifts from the pretty awesome natives.
(But seriously they looked awesome)

I mean it was a smart move. But also a skank move.
I have a feeling she just got confused as she is probably used to taking off her shirt for beads:


It was so uncomfortable.
We get it.
You're in it to win it
and if you don't win it you're going to set the rest of the girls on fire.
But easy does it girlfriend.

Emily at one point tried to make amends with Courtney for being a nosey Nelly.
Courtney took it surprisingly well.
Just kidding she freaked out and told Emily she was officially an enemy.

At some point she also invited Ben back to her room later in the evening.
She waited for him as a thunder storm raged on in the backround.
She started talking about how she'd been hurt before and couldn't trust men.
My previous prediction that she was going to be a bunny boiler is about to come to fruition folks.
She is one step away from holding his grandma for ransom.
I just know it.

Blakeley and Rachel were the 2 on 1 date.
Which meant that someone had to go at the end.
Blakeley was PUMPED for the date.
She was excited to spend more time with Ben and didn't give a what what that she had to also spend time with Rachel.

The girls were gifted a dress for their Salsa dancing class.
Blakeley acted like she won a bag full of diamonds.
I made this comparison:


She also revealed to Ben her scrapbook she'd been making for him since day one:

Apparently that was just enough to say,
"Thanks but no thanks."

Good move.

Kasey S. was sent home for being in love with some dude named Michael back home.
It was so dumb.
I thought she had done a "Sister Sister" switcharoo or something.
Or had a secret kid.
Or a tail.
I would have accepted any of them.

At the rose ceremony Jamie, bless her heart, tried to kiss Ben.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I could barely watch it.
I had to switch back and forth because my skin was on fire.
I was so so so embarassed for her.

She kept saying "Ben didn't know what's about to happen."



She then "coached" him on how the kiss was going to go.
I can't even...
It was just...
So...
Much...
Awkward....

I felt like Ricky Bobby:

It was so bad.

So she went home.
And will most likely be embarrassed for the rest of her life.
Poor thing.

Overall it was kind of an off week for the Bach.
I'm next week they reel me back in a little bit more because I gotta tell ya knowing that my boo Adam is on just a channel change away is real tempting.

Who are we kidding.
I'll tune in.
I can't quit Ben.

Monday, February 6, 2012

I don't know why this is happening to ME

As many of you know I have a deep love for Adam Levine.

Taken before the restraining order...

So when I heard "The Voice" was coming back I freaked out.
Naturally I watched its premiere last night and was excited to hear that it was going to be on tonight as well.
However, those punks made it for the same time as "The Bachelor."

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

 I'm angry.
Real angry.

Sure I can watch it online but I won't catch moments like this in real time:

I mean...he's the coolest.

I don't understand why the world has dealt me this hand.

Last week I lost my tater tots in an unfortunate "left my groceries in the car over night" accident.
Now "The Voice" is on the wrong night?!
WHY ME?

WHO IS GOING TO YELL AT CHRISTINA AGUILERA IN ALL CAPS ON TWITTER FOR MAKING FUN OF ADAM?
(Which she totally did last night by calling him a Justin Timberlake wannabe.
To which I had a rational reaction that I shared with Sara via text:
 "SHE IS A STUPID BLONDE MEATBALL & I HATE HER.")

Well...that will probably still be me...just a day late.

But seriously:
WAH.


If you click the picture she moves...