Ashley's Favorite Things....California Edition

This is probably my 9000 reference to Oprah's favorite things. 

But I can't help it ok. 

It's my favorite. 

Ha. 

See what I did there?

The gifs alone are what make it.

So, California.

Let's get to it.

My best friend from the sixth grade Cat lives in Lake Tahoe. 

She invited (and treated me) to a California Vacation and I gotta say it was FANTASTIC. 

I started referring to myself as California Ashley when I was there. 

Mainly because California Ashley did things Virginia Ashley normally does do. 

Like hike up a mountain. 

Drink water frequently. 

Drink bomb local coffee instead of exclusively Starbucks. 

Did I mention hike?

We also went to San Francisco where we crossed the Golden Gate bridge playing the "Full House Theme Song."

We made a video but all you can hear is me giggling and asking where Michelle is. 

I got to eat In & Out Burger

One single tear fell as I ate that delicious cheeseburger. 

We also went to a Giants game. 

They were playing the LA Dodgers. 

Big game. 

As you may recall I have a certain love for Sam Poueu. 

My favorite contestant ever from "The Biggest Loser."

I wrote a blog about him: here. 

How does this have anything to do with the Giants game?

Well I'll tell you. 

See, Sam is a huge Giants fan. 

So I decided I would tweet him. 

Why not?

California Ashley does those things you know?
(Ok Virginia Ashley does those things too but whatever, roll with it.)

I said:

I didn't think he would respond. 

But HE DIDDDDDDDD. 

Well technically he retweeted me:

 So then I died. 

I thought I'd push my luck and tweet him again because I fell in love with the Short Stop Brandon Crawford and seeing as he was famous and a big fan perhaps he had some pull. 

Please look below to see what happened:

Yeah. That's right. 

Sam's trying to hook me up. 

Please confirm that this means we are now besties. 

I need to know if the black and orange friendship bracelets I'm crafting are appropriate. 

The Giants ended up winning, shutting out the Dodgers and it was a blast:

I'm also pretty sure I got photo bombed. 

Every time I look at this picture I die. 

Another favorite thing we did while in California:

We went to Jail. 

Like the number one jail: Alcatraz. 

I don't know if you know this about me but jail fascinates me. 

I watch that show "Lock Up" every week. 

I know the ins and outs of jail life because of it. 

Don't get me wrong I would die immediately should I ever go (which I don't plan on). 

However, I do know how to make alcohol called "White Lightning" and how to curl my hair with toilet paper rolls and deodorant.

Just in case. 

On the boat over I was telling anyone who would listen that we were going to jail. 

No one seemed as pumped as me. 

It was such a cool tour. 

Cat and I even got visitation:

I was sad to leave the left coast but had so much fun. 

I can't wait to go back. 

Perhaps next time I shall travel to where the celebrities live. 

And stalk look for them.

Poor Doug

I'm back from California! 

It was so much fun and I'm going to give a little recap and thangs tomorrow. 

I'll be honest, all day Monday I was trying to figure out how the timezones effected TV to see if I could watch the Bachelorette in real time. 

I still don't know how they work, but did determine it was impossible. 

I silently wept for a minute. 

But please believe it was one of the first things I watched when I woke up from my 7 hour post red-eye slumber. 

I feel ready to do my super late recap, especially after reviewing the notes given to me by my new Bachelorette partner in crime Jill. 

We give high-fives instead of roses. Because we're ladies.

Here we go:

Emily went on a one on one date with Tony "Wolf."

Or as I like to call him, Tony Woof. 

No thank you. 

Why is he still even there?!!?!?!?!? 

You know who would have made more sense to keep around:

Charlie. 

Travis.

Travis's egg.

The Mushroom Farmer. 

Maybe giving Chris Harrison a rose could have been a spicy twist.

But this Tony guy is the PITS.
(Editors note: So Tony's name is John...I legit thought his name was Tony for the majority of the season..that's how relevant he is....ooops)
 

Jill made the proper observation that he's been on screen MAYBE 15 times. 

If that. 

How did he slip through the cracks?

He kept saying he felt really good about the date.

When you share a story about your girlfriend cheating on you with some "doctor dude" I don't know how you think your date was anything but stellar. 

I also think that story was totally made up or at least a little suspect.

He couldn't reach his girlfriend for 6 hours and he's calling jails looking for her?

No one else thinks that's a little weird? 

She also went on a 1:1 with  Arie. 

Truthfully I started to dislike him when I read that he had dated Emily's producer friend at one point and kept it from her. 

The producers and Chris Harrison built it up in previews that Emily was PISSED about the relationship. 

C.Harrison even wore a suit and stood in front of the house to give us the summary of the situation. 

That let us know he was serious. 

However, the conversation between the 2 of them was convieniently OFF camera and we get back to them having a wonderful time. 

They just brushed over it. 

Like it was no big thing. 

That was it.

Serious let down. 

 Also the fact that Emily insists she likes kissing him is really starting to bum me out. 

He kisses her and strokes her face  and then rubs his nose on hers and it's all very... 

"I cut a lock of your hair when you weren't paying attention and now wear it around my ankle to always have you with me," kind of creepy.

VIA

Like ick. 

Vom city. 

Let's talk about Doug for a minute. 

Sweet Doug. 

I can't even begin to express how awkward the whole conversation was between Emily and Doug during their group date. 

When their legs brushed and he apologized I knew it was curtains. 

He was stuttering and mumbling. 

And awkwardly kissed her while she was dumping him. 

I was watching it thru my fingers like it was "Paranormal Activity." 

It was truly painful. 

And then he cried and we all know how I get around man tears: 

   

I was pleased to hear from Jill that she doesn't care for men crying on TV either. 

Twinsies! 

And then there were 2 with Foxface & Sean. 

Foxface was a bit of a rage machine this week right?

 I mean he kept bitchinggggg that he wasn't getting any one on one time with Emily and when he finally did he was such a brat. 

I know that being a loser last week helped him snuggle with her but come on dude. 

Knock it off.

Clearly Sean got the early rose. 

Because Sean is a precious gem. 

That Emily needed to marry yesterday. 

Foxface handled that whole situation well. 

And by well I mean, he handled it like a total tool. 

She also went on a cute one on one date with Jef(f). 

He told her that if she went home to meet his family his parents wouldn't be there do to "other commitments."

Jill and I were wondering about the possible places his parents could be:

• FBI assignment
• Jail
• On another reality show (i.e. "Survivor")
• Witness Proctection Program
• At a baseball game handing out his water 
• Their weekly trip to Red Lobster that gets cancelled for NO ONE. And with those cheesy biscuits, who could blame them?
• Sonny & Cher tribute band gig scheduled months in advance

So many possibilities. 

The only iffy part of their date was when they played with puppets for an uncomfortable amount of time. 

They also made out in a library. 

I guess because books are sexy.

I was also super pleased because I FINNNNNNALLLY figured out who Jef(f) reminded me of:

CHAD FROM THE FAKE BOY BAND 2GETHER

 

I was worried no one would know what I was talking about but Bty and Dan assured me they understood: 

But I digress.

I'm not kidding when I say the last 20 minutes of the episode were focused on Chris crying because he was about to miss out on his perfect girl. 

He was angry one minute and then weepy the next. 

She ended up giving him the rose and now she's going to meet his father

The Fantastic Mr. Fox and his sister

Lady Foxface.

That was a terrible joke. 

However, I am cackling at myself. 

I apologize. 

I'm pretty excited for those hometown visits. 

Well 3 of them. 

I could care less what happens at Chris's house. 

But I have a strong feeling she's going to end up with Sean and Jef(f) in the final two.

I can't, nay, won't be convinced that she's going to keep Arie till the end. 

I won't believe it. 

I refuse.

You can't make me. 

Good day sir. 

I SAID GOOD DAY.

My worlds collided...

Guess who has to be on a plane at 7am tomorrow. 

Me. 

Guess who wants to make sure I talk about my feelings about the Bachelorette episode because I'm obsessed. 

Also me. 

Let me preface this by saying I was completely jeal-city that they were in Croatia this week. 

Rage and envy were just seeping out of my pores. 

The guys were like, "Yeah...we're here in....Crow......something. It. Is. Nice. Here. There is stuff." 

The men were in the hotel room just chit chatting like girls do and Ryan was seen wearing what I can only describe as a halter tank from Forever 21:

Or perhaps it was a tasteful top to a full coverage tankini. 

All I know is that it should have never seen the light of day. 

Travis got the first date and it was clear he was going to remain in the Friend Zone.

Naturally it was raining when he didn't get the rose. 

As he was walking out he threw his umbrella to the ground. 

Extremely dramatic. 

Emily did not want to stand under his umbrella -ella -ella you know?

He mustn't take it so personally. 

The group date was Jef(f), Doug, Sean <3, Foxface, & Wolf. 

They went to see the movie "Brave" because that made sense. 

After Emily let the guys know they were going to be participating in their own version of the movie's "Highland Games."

What I heard was "Hunger Games." 

As you know I'm a mega fan of the series. 

My worlds collided tonight folks. 

Bachelorette Hunger Games began and I was so excited. 

I was clearly rooting for Sean as he is my favorite.

And when I say favorite I mean I'm borderline obsessed. 

My friend Ang gave him good advice going into the competition:

 

I too had some tips:

Archery was the first task.

Emily should her Katniss like prowess:

The guys were impressed. 

Blah blah. 

Then the boys started their thing. 

Please peep the gun show that Sean starred in:

I need a minute. 

The saddest display of skill came from Foxface. 

He would have died so quick in the HGs. 

Like quicker than me and that's saying something. 

Exhibit A why he was the pits:

What was not the pits:

The guys' reactions:

(Thank you: http://thebachelorette-gifs.tumblr.com)

He really sucked in every event but Emily gave him the "cup" because he was brave to compete and follow thru. 

Please read:

She ended up giving him the date rose as well. 

Such a bummer as Sean should have TOTALLY gotten it. 

The next one on one date was with Ryan. 

He is the biggest tool on Earth. 

Ever since he said that he was "OK" with the fact that he might not end up with Emily because he would love to be the next Bachelor, I hated him. 

He's charming for a little bit and then you realize he'd hit on your younger sister if you left him unsupervised. 

 Ick central. 

Emily FINALLLLLY wised up and didn't give him a rose on the date. 

Suck it turd. 

He wouldn't really take no for an answer and I was sure she was going to cave. 

I mean the man grows a memorizing beard. 

Merp. Dummy is sad. Water fall out of eyes. Beep bop boop.

I was preparing to rage against the machine on how dumb Emily was to back down but she stayed strong and sent him packing. 

So was my pal Carlyle:

You could tell he was surprised and it was so vindicating. 

He was the WORST. 

He made some comment about how even the best men in the world face challenges. 

It was nice that he recognized the best men in the world's struggles however, I'm not quite sure how that analogy applied to him. 

ZING.

When the guys saw his luggage being taken out of the room they held an R. Kelly type hotel party. 

Arie took the opportunity to sneak out and tell Emily how proud he was of her for making the right choice. 

I know that a lot of people are swooning over Arie but I don't like him at all. 

He's sleazy and cheesy and I'm not a fan. 

Emily gave him Ryan's rose while they talked on her bed. 

I wasn't sure if that was an official invitation or not so I asked the authority:

He has yet to respond. 

She ended up having heart to hearts with Wolf and Doug at the Rose Ceremony. 

Wolf pulled the dead relative card in the nick of time. 

Doug cried. 

Lots of man tears were being shed. 

It was a little too much for me. 

Emily went outside to find Chris who was apparently smoking cigs with the other producers on the side of the house. 

He acted real inconvenienced that he had to forgo his evening plans and actually say more than, 'This is the final rose." 

It turns out instead of sending Doug & Wolf home like I was hoping she gave them both roses to get to know them better. 

I audibly groaned. 

I was really hoping they were going home. 

I just want her to marry Sean on TV. 

Forget these other scrubssssss. 

Next week seems fantastic as Arie is outed for dating a producer/ Emily's bestie in the past and hiding it from her. 

I can't wait. 

I'll still be in California next week so my blog will be delayed and not as current but because I'm crazy and need a routine, I'm still gonna post it. 

Hope everyone has a good week and may the odds be ever in your favor. 

(I couldn't resist....HUNGER GAMES BACHELORETTE REALLY HAPPENED!)

Friday Confessions

 I'm currently in a little limbo right now.
I'm waiting to start my new job soooooo
this means that most of my days are spent trolling the internet, making random observations or just watching tv whilst eating my feelings.

It's really quite attractive. 

Men keep knocking down my door. 

And I'm like 

"Guys...calm down."

Spending all this time with myself, I've come to realize there are quite a few things I need to put out into the universe.

Here it goes:

I personally find the worst character to ever grace TV is Jeff from "Saved by the Bell." You know the one that broke up Zack and Kelly.

Please watch this incredibly cheesy yet heart wrenching break up.

Stellar performance in the clutch by AC Slater and Jessie Spano.

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My mom & dad's close friends Kim & Pat gave me stock in Krispy Kreme.

I'm assuming this means I now own all donuts.

Please confirm.

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Although Adam Levine remains my # 1of all time. I've realized that I must marry Adam Richman.

That is for one reason and one reason only:

 The man travels around the United States trying the best sandwiches each region has to offer.

Once married our assets become 50/50 thus making half of his sandwich my sandwich.

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I have eaten 3 things of chips in dip in 3 weeks. I can't stop.

----------------------------------

Also cheeseburgers. I can't stop eating cheeseburgers.

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I downloaded the Lisa Frank app to my phone and have been making gems such as this for longer than is appropriate for a 25 year old.

                              

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I've not only watched a ton of "Criminal Minds" episodes but also "Tia & Tamera" on the Style Network. So now I think everyone is a suspect and that I have a twin out there that I will one day meet in the mall.

----------------------------------

And finally, I can't wait much longer for the people in charge of "Catching Fire" to announce who they cast as Finnick.

Joe and I debate it frequently

 but I think that the best option would naturally be

Taylor Kitsch.

If they pick Garrett Hedlund, as the internet is saying, I will boo

 the entire movie, until I am asked to leave.

Mark my words.

Riggins 4 Finnick please & thank you.

So there you have it.

Yet another peak into the mind that is Ashley Jones.

My apologies in advance.

She just wants to do hood rat stuff with her friends...

This week the Bachelorette was in London. 

I, am currently in the amazon of Virginia, otherwise known as my room.

Seriously.
It's like the rain forest in here.
My roommates are skimping on the AC this week.
A sloth is literally hanging from my ceiling.

Rude.

Naturally Chris Harrison showed up stating the obvious that they were all in London.
He then flicked them all off and sauntered off to the nearest bar and drank his face off.

The first date this week was with my new boo Sean.
Let me tell you what:
This kid is a straight up ninny muffin.
And can be found on Twitter @seanlowe09
(thank you Alyssa)

He and Emily went on a date seeing all the sites of London.
They even recreated the "Royal Kiss" just like Kate and William in front of the balcony.
Normally I would say something snarky about how lameo that was.

However, I realized that Sean could kiss me in front of a sewage plant and I would be OK with it.
He's adorable.

I know before I've said that I would be a great candidate to be the Bachelorette but it was during Emily and Sean's date that I realized I may not be.

A man in a top hat and crazy outfit sat them down for dinner.
Emily did not once ask to wear the hat or engage the man in any sort of banter regarding his get up.
I would have gone on for at least 5 minutes, and ended up with a picture in the hat with two thumbs up.
Because I'm polite and a lady.

She ended up giving Sean a rose and I'm 100% on his team.
 

The group date was horrendous as per usual. 

She took the dudes to act out a Shakespeare play. 

Arie started freaking out that he had to act AND dress as woman. 

It was a lot for him to process. 

 

My friend Jill tweeted that Arie really looked like Belle dressed as a woman.

And I couldn't agree more. 

 

Kalon started taking his role as Romeo very seriously. 

I was starting to wonder if he was actually auditioning for the Actors Studio. 

He ended up being pretttttttty terrible. 

Ryan on the other hand impressed me by sounding out several words. 

However, he is still THE PITS. 

During the group date he got tangled in the curtains that led to a private room and then gave

 Emily a hideous turquoise necklace. 

 

He also told her how surprised he was that the word turquoise had the letter "q" in it. 

That is a lie. 

He's just really dumb and can't stand that Emily finds him appealing in any way. 

 

Kalon continuously thru the episode kept referring to Ricki as baggage. 

I don't know if you knew this about Emily but she has a daughter named Ricki. 

Whom she loves very much. 

I know, I too was shocked. 

She doesn't talk about her much.

 

J/K. 

 

Emily found out via Doug and cursed Kalon out. 

She kept saying that she wanted to go West Virginia hood rat on him and kick his ass. 

She said it just about as many times as she brings up Ricki. 

So give or take: 400 mentions. 

 

I know that West Virginia is known mostly for their hood rat tendencies, but Emily really needed to stop flaunting it. 

We get it girl your from the mean streets of West VA that boast Brad Paisley and Hillbilly Hot Dogs:

 

She immediately sent Kalon home. 

Which I'm sure he was fine with. 

He had been kept from his #1 passion for too long:

Murder.

He was a creepy dude, amIright?

What really surprised me was that a lot of the guys weren't really keen on telling Emily about his comments in the first place. 

Why WOULDN'T they say something?

Clearly that would be one less person around. 

And he sucked. 

 

While this whole fiasco was going on Joe posed a very good question:

 

 Which got Jill, Joe, and I thinking. 

We came up with the following games the guys were probably playing while waiting for their friends to come home from their date with their mutual girlfriend:

• Jenga
• Twister
• Mall Madness
• Girl Talk
• Hide & Seek
• Operation
• Hungry Hungry Hippos
• Mouse Trap
• Rummy
• Charades

After we finished giggling at how hilarious we are, we were then treated with the one on one date between Jef with one F and Emily.

Side note: A reader profoundly pointed this out last week:

 

And they are totally right. But I can't stop. 

The date was pretty cute. 

Except for one thing.

Jill pointed out something that has been bothering me for awhile now:

WHY DON'T THESE JERKS EAT THEIR FOOD?

DON'T THEY KNOW THERE ARE STARVING PEOPLE IN ANNANDALE THAT WOULD LOVE TO EAT THAT DELISH MORSEL OF PUDDING AND COOKIE IN A FANCY CUP?

F. 

After I was done salivating over their dessert, Emily gave Jef(F) the rose and they kissed for the first time ever. 

I approve. 

The rest of the episode was pretty lackluster. 

I'm not a huge fan of Arie what with his fish kissing, but he also only stares at Emily's lips and it's starting to make me incredibly uncomfy. 

He's sleazy in a different way than Ryan although I can't quit figure out how yet.

She ended up sending Alejandro home. 

I was shocked 0%. 

However he really did seem like a FUN-GI. 

Get it? 

Because he was a mushroom farmer. 

Fun guy. 

Just me?

 

Next week the group is heading to the #1 Spring Break destination in the world.

That's right:

CROATIAAAAAA! 

Yep you read that right. 

Croatia. 

 

Hopefully Emily will be over that cold she had this week. 

I mean she clearly powered thru and kissed Jef, Sean, Arie, and Ryan. 

Fingers crossed she was on antibiotics otherwise there is going to be a lot of post nasal drip going on in the big C to the R to the O to the A....you get the point. 

Croatia. 

  

How Ricki Got Her Groove Back...

I want you to know that I'm writing this post with sadness in my heart.

Why?

Because Emily did something unforgivable.

I'm not mad at her.

I'm just disappointed.

Which we all know is much, much worse.

This week they were in Bermuda.

Cue lots of "Love Triangle," lost at sea, lost in love metaphors.

Poetic stuff.

They showed Ricki in Bermuda with Emily romping around on this one hill for like 20 minutes.

While I was watching with my friend Ang I said,

"I really want Ricki to get her groove back on this trip. You know get a little hair wrap on the board walk. Maybe some full on braids with beads at the end. Perhaps take a long walk with Taye Diggs on the beach. She deserves it."

Why does my brain think of these things?

No idea.

Chris Harrison told the guys about the dreaded 2 on 1 date.

They were all panicking.

blah blah blah.

The first date went to Doug.

He gave the, "I'm just a man, standing in front of a girl," kind of speech.

I sat unamused.

The group date was a sailing disaster.

I had no idea what was happening at any given time.

The only thing I kept asking was, "WHERE'S CHARLIE? WHAT TEAM IS CHARLIE ON?"

The answer?

The losing team.

Which,spoiler alert, is foreshadowing for the rest of the episode.

Ryan, Arie, Jef with one f, and Kalon won and got to go to the after party with her.

The other guys rode home like sad little pandas in a mini van back to the house.

Charlie was really upset and crying in the back of the van.

I'm going to brush over his man tears, because my love for him is so strong.
(To clarify I think it's fine for men to show their emotions, I just get extremely sweaty and uncomfortable when they do. It makes me nervous and I generally respond like so: )

I'm sensitive what can I say?

So they go on the date and Ryan starts talking in Mad Libs.

He calls Emily his potential trophy wife and then starts inserting key words, like

family, God, Ricki, marriage, feelings, love, starting to have feelings for, in odd spots that truly make know sense.

He's so sleazy and I hate him.

Then we are greeted with Arie and his preciousness.

However it is short lived because he goes in for the kiss this week ya'll and it is ROUGH CITY.

I don't know how I didn't see it last week but Jesus is he a bad kisser.

I know this because clearly I'm an expert.

I would prefer it, if from here on out he keeps his mouth to himself.

They also kept using this weird blanket all night.

I don't know if Ricki made it during arts and crafts one week and they wanted to highlight her new etsy store but it was heinous.

She gave the rose to Jef with one f.

Joe responded as such:

He envisioned correctly.

The two on one date was so awkward.

Emily in her personal hell.

Both men refused to eat (dealbreaker)

And Nate cried for literally no reason.

He said,

"I have a brother..." and then waterfalls of tears began to flow.

There was no tragic story to follow.

Just that he had a brother.

He was then promptly sent packing.

Joe said,

"At least he gets to see his brother."

Silver lining.

At the Rose Cermony Ryan admitted that he really likes Emily but if it didn't work out that would be OK because he's destined to be bigger and better.

Like the next Bachelor.

Read: HE'S THE WORST.

I was hoping he'd sit too close to a candle however, he remained unscathed the whole night.

Speaking of candles how much do you think they spend on tea lights alone?

Is there a Pier One Imports in Bermuda?

They make every episode look like a sancutary.

It's creepy yet also intriguing.

If you know their budget please do leave a comment.

This is when Emily betrayed me.

The final rose left Charlie, Alejandro, and Michael waiting.

Do you know who she gave that rose to?

ALEJANDRO.

THE MUSHROOM FARMER.

You don't know who he is?

Yeah me either because he hasn't gone on ANY EFFING MEMORABLE DATES.

Charlie got sent home.

I screamed.

I'm upset.

I'm also single.

So Charlie, what I'm saying is, "Call me."