I don't want it to be over.

It's been 2 days since the season finale of the Bachelorette and I'm in denial that it's over. 

Last season I couldn't wait to be rid of Ben and Whoretney. 

But now I already miss Jef(f) and Emily. 

When I tell you that I am obsessed with them as a couple, I want you to know that is an understatement. 

As the episode started I was extremely anxious. 

I was so nervous she was going to pick Arie. 

If she did then I was going to have to start lighting trashcans on fire and flipping cars in the street and to be honest I was just really tired and didn't feel like I could pull a riot off at 100%. 

Luckily Emily sensed the impending doom I would unleash should she plan to marry King Triton and move Ricki and her to a castle in the sea, and made the right choice. 

I was excited to meet Emily's family and see what they were all about. 

Her brother Ernie was kind of a muffin face and if he and his blonde fiance don't work out I'm available. 

My friend Bty put it best:

Jef(f) was the first one to meet everyone and was SO CUTE! 

He brought all the ladies there flowers and was super respectful to all the dudes. 

He seemed to really want to get to know them and understand how they worked and how he would fit into the picture. 

Am I talking like I'm also apart of the family, and appreciate his outreach? Yes. 

Read: crazy. 

You could tell everyone thought he was a great guy and really genuine. 

He and Emily just looked so happy.
Dan wondered if we were going to finally learn Jef(f)'s tragic tale:

Sadly we did not.

I was sitting on Jill's couch with like all my teeth showing because I was smiling so hard. 

Then that turd Arie came and met her family. 

He was literally too dumb to function. 

He showed up with a stupid gift for Emily. 

All the roses she gave him over the season. 

I'm sorry Arie, you're supposed to bring enough for everyone. 

Also no give backs. 

He also started talking and then never stopped. 

He made some comment about the best fishing being done when it was raining and Ernie and Mr. Maynard looked mortified that a fish they had caught in the past had sprung back to life only to trick their sister/daughter into marrying him. 

 Then Emily and him went outside alone to make out. 

I would like to point out that Jef(f) hung out with them the entire time.

I mean it wouldn't be a date between the two of them if they didn't make out on a couch somewhere. 

Why change things now, you know? 

It felt very awkward and I hated it.

When Emily met Jef(f) on the beach for their second date, I was literally rocking back and forth because he looked so precious. 

He asked Emily really good questions about Ricki and told her why he wanted to meet her.

In my head I was thinking, should I go get Ricki?
Is that the issue?
Does Ricki need a ride?
She needs to meet her step dad.

Turns out Emily felt that way too and the meeting between Ricki and Jef(f) made my heart explode.
Ricki spoke in all giggles which apparently J Money is fluent in.
He also immediately rocked pink goggles and let her push him off a bridge.
I was about to request a match in the Octagon for Ricki and I to battle for his heart.
Then I realized I was feeling rage for a 6 year old and checked myself before I went and wrecked myself.

The more they hung out the more I began to realize that the date was taking up a lot of time.
Just when Jill and I began to discuss the possibility of this being the deciding factor my best friend Heather chimed in.
She is a teacher and very good with time management and organization.
After plotting out that not only did Emily still have a break down, she also had to date Arie, and then give the rose.
There wasn't enough time.
The 3 of us began to realize: Arie was a goner.
And this would be a happy family.

 Weeping.

Emily told Jef(f) at their dinner that Ricki couldn't wait for him to come back tomorrow.
Which clearly sealed the deal.
He then gave her a book full of pictures of stick figures he had drawn.
Then I threw my bra at the TV and Jill became concerned.
 
The next day she cried and told Chris that she was done because she knew it was Jeffy poo. 
Cut to Arie who is in some witch doctor's garden making a love potion for Emily before she gets there.
He was talking and talking and talkkkkkking about how tomorrow he was going to propose and blah blah blah.
Meanwhile the camera guy is holding in laughter because he knows what's about to really go down.
Emily shows up and looks like she's going to barf.
She dumps him and he stomps away and then she cries and then he acts like he doesn't understand why.
But you know in the back of his head he was thinking,
"Maybe I could get this guy to turn the car around and take me back to that witch doctor lady. She seemed into me. And when you're at the Witch Garden, you're family."
Yep. Olive Garden joke.
You're welcome.

The live reaction to Arie getting dumped was fantastic.
Women in the audience were literally crying.
I feel like they should do a live show every time.
It's so worth it.

Then it's the rose ceremony and she tells Jef(f) it's him and he's the only one who met Ricki and only went on a date with him and it looks like everyone is about to get complimentary waters on the house, he's so excited.

He asks her to marry him, she says yes after an hour.
I can't even. It was too cute.

At the "After the Rose" we were forced to listen to Arie's sob story about how sad he was and how he flew to NC for answers.
Read: stalkerrrrrr (unless I show up there to hang out with them then it's totally normal and cool.)

He brought her his journal and she didn't read it and it was awkward.
I was really beginning to rage that I was being subjected to his dumb heart break again when they started talking about how noble Jef(f) was.
Did anyone else notice that when he came on stage he still went in for the kiss with Emily?
No means no homie.

After a painful 15 minutes we got to see Emily & Jef(f) for the first time as a coupleeeee.
I'm so invested it's sick.
If they break up I will drain Charlotte, NC of its natural resources.
I don't know what they are or how to do it but I will lash out.
I just love themmmmmm. 

 Then they showed pictures of a family trip and I was literally out of control.

I can't stop.
Every time they tweet each other or put up a picture on Instagram I show everyone around me like they are my own family.
I clap.
I smile too big.
I'm obsessed.
He calls her his Panda Kitty, which apparently only I find to be completely and totally precious.
I may have texted Joe that I wanted to be their friends.
I can neither confirm or deny.

It was a good season.
My heart was broken a couple of times, but it was a solid ending.
I look forward to the next season of the Bachelor.
Especially if it's Sean.
(Don't think I forgot about you boo.)
What did you think?
Yay or nay to the final rose?

The Men Tell All...

First I want to start by saying "Hi!" to all the new readers. 

All of your comments about how you like this silly thing are so great and you don't know how much they make my day. 

But seriously I read them to my best friend. 

Y'all are the besttttttttttttttttt. 

Now on to this week's "Bachelorette." 

 I would like to share where I watched the episode. 

As of this past Friday I now live in Philadelphia! 

I'm really excited to be here and very excited about my new job. 

It's also awesome because I'm super close to my two favorite Bachelorette watching buddies Joe and Jill. 

When I sat down to watch with Jill in my new apartment it was brought to my attention that ABC is completely snowy and staticky...basically unwatchable. 

I panicked. 

Then I realized I had access to Joe's apartment so we broke in and watched it on his couch while he was still at work. 

That's not creepy right?

Normally I don't watch the reunion shows because it's just a lot of yelly women and dudes. 

However, because I am so creepily invested in this season- I did. 

There wasn't too much that happened but I did notice a few things.

Here is my hodge podge of ideas in no particular organized manner:

Starting with Chris Harrison. 

Jill mentioned that she thinks that she could date him. 

I, on the other hand, think the dates would go like this:

Chris: "Hello Ashley. Welcome to our date."

Then he would disappear while I ate. 

When I was done he'd come back in and say, 

"Ashley this concludes our date."

After which he would open my car door for me and send me home. 

As long as he paid for dinner...I think I could be OK with it. 

They talked to Foxface. 

He has rage issues. 

He seems like a fartface on "Bachelor Pad." 

I might get sucked in to that too. 

 Are other people going to watch?

I've never seen it. 

Is it worth it? 

Please advise. 

I noticed that when the guys were talking about Emily they kept referring to her as "that girl" or "this girl." I don't really get that but hey whatever. 

Did anyone else notice how there were guys on stage that literally were never talked to?

I saw 2 separate guys who I have never seen in my life. 

I don't have time for imposters. 

When they talked to Kalon, everyone booed and it made me giggle so hard. 

Then when Emily came out and ripped him a new one, I clapped. 

She may have broken my heart and Sean's but she is a stand up lady. 

Good for her. 

Kalon also looked so pissed that he got yelled at by a woman on TV.

So he's probably going to start a killing spree soon. 

Coming to an episode of "Criminal Minds" near you, ex-reality dating contestant goes on rampage to avenge his unused helicopter. 

I'd watch it. 

Also does Ryan look 1. Darker and 2. Fatter and Older?

He's a dummy. 

Like super stupid but dammit can he grow a beard.

I really enjoyed how Chris Harrison assured everyone that he would not be the next Bachelor. 

In yo face sucka. 

When they talked to Sean I'm fairly certain that not only my heart but the hearts of 1,000 tiny angels also broke when he talked about how he loved Emily but respected her and her decision. 

He also mentioned that he was ready for love, which is weird becausssssssse, so am I. 

I know next week is going to be a doozy. 

I have heard/read some things and I don't know what to believe. 

I don't know who I can trust. 

I'm emotional about it. 

I did think it was super precious when Jef(f) in the preview for the finale said he could hold Emily's hand till they were 110. 

Did I tear up?

Maybe. 

Should you judge me for it?

Absolutely. 

I can't wait for SUNDAY!

If you feel like it tweet me during it. 

I'll be glued to Twitter and ABC for 3 hours. 

You can find me @ashleyjonesy

I apologize in advance if Arie wins. 

Because I will be using foul language. 

And maybe uploading a picture of my middle finger. 

Don't say I didn't warn you.

I'm sorry I called Emily a beast

First I would like to start by saying that I'm aware that I'm going to rage about a woman who I have never met and her dating life. 

I'm ashamed of myself for being attached. 

Really ashamed. 

I should have known better. 

It was the top 3 this week. 

I was sure she was going to send Arie home. 

Spoiler alert: She didn't. 

We'll get to that later. 

Writing about her date with Sean literally hurts my brain. 

He took a little long to say, "I love you." 

That was literally the only stupid part of the date. 

BECAUSE THE REST WAS EFFING PERFECT.

HE WROTE RICKI A NOTE ABOUT HOW PUMPED HE WAS TO BE IN HER LIFE. 

IT WAS ADORABLE DAMMIT.

Emily invited him to the Fantasy Suite (FS). 

I always giggle when they go to the FS because in my head I'm like "they're gonna do it." 

Because I'm mature. 

However, Emily turned the tables this year and said she had to be a role model for her daughter.

Which let everyone know that she was a mom. 

Which was shocking to me, as I had no clue. 

She told Sean that she couldn't stay the night but they made out in the hot tub so I called it a success. 

Her second date was with Jef(f). 

It was so adorable. 

I think his head is full of unicorns and rainbows and butterflies. 

When he talks about Emily he uses cheesy metaphors and similes but it seems really genuine. 

What I also like about him is that he asks her questions. 

He's not like selling himself all the time, he wants to know if they're going to be a good match and I dig that. 

Then it came time for her to offer a trip to the Fantasy Suite (FS). 

He actually turned her down, saying that he didn't think it was right and that he wanted to set a good example for Ricki. 

So that was adorable. 

He DID look a little scared about actually going into the FS. 

I wanted to reassure him that it was going to be ok:

 

 But they were respectful and cute. 

Blah blah blah. 

I just found it a little disappointing that last year the girls were dropping their bikini bottoms at the door when the goofy haired dummy gave them the card to the suite but these guys were layering more clothes on. 

I felt sad about it. 

Arie's date was last. 

Because he sucks. 

To be honest I didn't really care about him at all. 

I was hoping that dolphin was trained to kill. 

It was not. 

I felt sad about that too. 

Perhaps it's because that fish face lives among the dolphins and they count him as a friend. 

I don't know. 

I hate him. 

The rest of their date was them making out and her talking about how much she likes making out with him. 

He then enlightened her with his daily schedule. 

He wakes up and 930 and then effs around all day. 

So he's gonna be great with newborns. 

She didn't even offer him an invitation to go inside of a hotel room because she couldn't keep her hands off of him. 

#Gross. 

I found this picture the other day and it accurately depicts how I feel about their kissing:

I hate you. 

She then talked to Chris Harrison about how sad she was that she had to dump someone. 

It was like she was all of a sudden realizing what the show was all about. 

She was also talking about the whole experience like she had a great time at a summer camp. 

My twitter friend Allie immediately agreed:

Hilarious. 

They showed the videos of the guys talking to Emily and of course Sean was first. 

 

I love you too buddy. 

He was amazing and perfect and I love him. 

 

Jef(f) was next and was sweet and cute. 

Arie was next and essiently was like "kissing you is cool, whatever bro."

She gave the first rose to Jef(f). 

I screamed. 

Then she gave the second rose to ARIE. 

Here's where I rage:

LAST SEASON BEN PICKED THE ONE HE WAS MOST PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO. 

SHE WAS PURE EVIL. 

THIS SEASON EMILY IS LEADING WITH HER OVARIES AND NOT HER HEART AND DUMPED A WONDERFUL GUY WHO HAD HER DAUGHTER IN THE FOREFRONT OF ALL OF HIS THOUGHTS AND INTENTIONS. 

IF YOU WANT TO FIND SOMEONE TO MAKE OUT WITH AND BONE GO ON "THE REAL WORLD." 

SEAN IS A LOVE MUFFIN AND PRECIOUS AND SURE MAYBE HE DOESN'T HAVE THE MOST PROMINENT EYEBROWS EVER BUT HE'S MOSTLY AN ANGEL SENT FROM THE LAND OF WHERE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ARE MADE. 

ARIE IS A LOSER.

WITH A CREEPY GYPSY MOM AND WEIRDO TWIN BROTHERS. 

I HOPE YOU ENJOY LIVING YOUR LIFE IN THE SEA.

EVERY TIME HE KISSES YOU HES SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF YOU SO HE CAN STAY ON LAND A LITTLE LONGER. 

WHYYYYYYYY EMILY? 

 

I HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IT. 

Sean took the break up like a champ. 

He also said that when he saw Emily that night, he knew he was looking at his wife. 

Jill summed it up best: 

 

 He didn't cry. 

He didn't get angry at her (even though he looked super bummed). 

He didn't punch the guys. 

He just looked so hurt. 

It killed me. 

I just feel so sad for him. 

And feel extremely crazy for saying that. 

I still like Emily and really hope she picks Jef(f). 

The previews for the finale look pretty good. 

She seems pretty upset and unsure of what to do so I'm hoping she brings back Sean. 

I can't let him go. 

I miss him already. 

I'm sick. 

If she picks Arie just because he's "stupid hot" I will literally hulk out of my house. 

You cut me deep Maynard. 

You cut me real deep. 

Totally Truthful Thursday

So my friend Colleen of "The Lunchbox Diaries" has this post called Totally Truthful Thursdays. 

She's pretty cool. 

And because she's pretty cool I decided I would steal borrow her idea and do my own little Totally Truthful Thursday.

Here it goes:

I watched fireworks from a Hooters parking lot. 

 Please do not be jealous of my photography skills. 

They are spectacular I know but please...respect my gift. 

I also ate a cheeseburger

 To be clear not all of this food was mine.

My 4th was what Thomas Jefferson envisioned whilst writing the Declaration I'm sure. 

#freedom

I saw "Magic Mike" with my mom on Friday. 

It was not as traumatizing as I thought it might be. I mean Barb is cool and we're close but movies about men stripping could've been a "make it or break it" type deal of whether I could ever look her in the eyes again. I know that some people said that the movie had too much plot, but to be honest I loved it...a lot.

 

 Holy F. 

 

I want to see the new Katy Perry movie real real bad. 

This needs no explanation. 

I was feeling like a fraud of a blogger because I couldn't do a top knot like my frans. 

But then I learned how thanks to Ashley's baller tutorial. 

This makes me cool now, yes?

 

I move next Friday. 

Eek. 

I've been pinning the crap out of stuff on Pinterest for my new apartment. 

I've tried making stuff that I've pinned and have only glued my fingers together 3-5 times. 

What I'm saying is my apartment decor is going to look like I made my 10 month old niece do it. 

I'm thinking about running/exercising again.

I know that may not seem obvious by the previous confession of my cheeseburger consumption but it's true. 

Last week when I was in California I realized how out of shape I was.

 It was fairly embarrassing.

 I realized that I didn't need to be embarrassed anymore and could fix that problem on my own. I've been gearing up for it in my brain and felt that the best way to commit to it was to blog about it.

It's helped in the past and I think it just might help again. 

It's not going to be easy and I can assure you there is going to be a lot of hateful posts

 but I think it's time. 

Don't worry Oreos, we aren't breaking up...we just might be taking a break. 

Starting next week. 

Have fun living in a covered wagon Emily

HOME TOWN DATESSSSS!!!!!!

My favorite week. 

Emily stopped at home to see Ricki and I'm pretty sure she read my previous blog about getting her groove back because home girl had several tiny braids in her hair. 

She also refused to run down the stairs to meet her mom. 

She made Emily come to her. 

I respect that hustle girl.

Your mom came home late and you're tired from a long day of coloring and spelling.
Just because she's on TV don't make her special.

The first hometown date was with Chris in Chicago. 

I was bored. 

I liked his muffin of a dad though. 

So sweet and nice. 

The rest of the date was lame. 

He loves her blah blah blah. 

Then she went to see Jef(f). 

Let me tell you...that date was effing precious. 

We find out that his parents are in South Carolina on a mission trip. 

I was disappointed in that I was hoping it was going to be a mission trip IN SPACE.

But whatever they're doing God's work so good on em. 

He picked her up and went off roading and shot guns and did country things and it was just magical. 

(Dear Jef(f), I shot a gun once at a range. With a broken ankle...so I'm tough. If things don't work out. Call me playa.)

He then introduced her to I'm assuming the Von Trapp family as there were at least 9 of them. 

They were such a cute family. 

His older brother was a little dead behind the eyes but you know he ended up being nice so I didn't hate it. 

Later they went to the mountains or desert...

I don't know I'm indoorsy.

Anyway they went to this spot and he said he wrote her a note. 

Now the one thing that I hate more than someone singing to someone else is when someone reads to someone else. 

However this letter he wrote her made me fall in love with him. 

I just started to believe every time he said "Emily" it was his Utah accent way of saying "Ashley."

It was so sweet and sincere and adorable and I ate that crap up. 

I just want to go and shout it from the roof tops that I love Jef with one f. 

I'd even make out in nature with him. 

I'd stand with him on a mountain you guys. 

I'd even bathe with him in the sea. 

I'd want to live this way forever...

Until the skies fell down on me. 

You know what I'm saying?

It's a Savage Garden kind of love I've got going on for him. 

Side note as soon as I typed, "bathe in the sea," I creeped myself out. 

Plus, you don't really get clean in the sea do you?

With the salt water and sea urchins and things?

 Actually now that I think about it, that is a terrifyingly odd song.  

Her next date was with Arie. 

I'm now referring to him as a dementor because every time he kisses her he grabs both sides of her face and sucks the life out her. 

I can't do it anymore guys. 

She likes him so much and it is killllling me. 

He's phony. 

I don't like. 

I don't like at all. 

He introduced Emily to his parents and I feel that it would have been nice for her to know they were a pack of gypsies before hand. 

He has two twin brothers, a sister, and a dad that seemed normal and then the most terrifying gypsy mom I have ever seen in my life. 

They started speaking in Dutch in front of Emily. 

Jill was convinced they were plotting her kidnapping. 

I'm convinced that had Emily looked in her eyes for one second longer she would be in a covered wagon trolling small towns for children and bottling their tears for magic. 

I just hope she realizes Arie is the pits because I'm too emotionally attached to the other two that are left. 

Sean's date was last. 

The promo for the episode showed him saying that he had a secret and then him running after Emily. 

I was nervous the whole damn episode. 

I was convinced that this was going to be Kacie B. all over again and my favorite was going to tank. 

The date started off great and she met his two dogs (swoon). 

Then they went to his parents house. 

We met his adorable niece, who for a minute I thought called him "Daddy."

She was saying "Seany" but for a second I was concerned he had a secret child. 

The munchkin showed Emily her one bedroom apartment with lofted ceilings:

No but seriously this was her play house. 

Then Sean said there was something that Emily needed to know. 

His whole family looked in pain. 

He said that he lived at home and then showed her this nasty effing room. 

I didn't breath the entire time. 

When he started naming the stuffed animals, a single tear may or may not have fell from my eyes. 

And then I realized he was joking. 

I legitimately needed my inhaler. 

When Emily got in the car to go Sean decided to chase after her car to kiss her one last time. 

Now normally I don't run, unless it's toward food, but I would run after Sean, as Drake would say, errrrryday. 

At the end of the episode they show his dad pranking Emily by serving roasted armadillo.

I'm fairly certain they wanted Sean to be on Punk'd instead of the "Bachelorette" because they had quite a few practical jokes up their sleeves. 

The rose ceremony came around and Emily said it was a hard choice. 

To which I said, "Nope. It's not."

Chris went home. 

Later fart face.

I've been over him since he picked that fight with Doug (RIP). 

Next week things get goooooood. 

I'm going to be a mess because I can't even handle it if Jef(f) or Sean go home. 

I just love them so bad. 

I knew this would happen. 

It always does. 

I'm in trouble. 

Real trouble. 

Before I leave I want to ask a question. 

Does anyone notice how much Emily licks her teeth?

It's starting to get extremely distracting. 

Are they too big for her?

Are they dentures?

I love her but it looks like they put peanut butter on her gums some episodes as much as she licks her pearly whites. 

Discuss. 

Quick Question

When news broke of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes divorcing did anyone envision her immediately running to the dock to stop Pacey from sailing without her? 

And then Tom Cruise crying like this: 

No? Just me?