Jan 29, 2013

A Pretty Woman Fantasy is a Thing?

I would like to start by apologizing in advance.
This week I got very "Flavor of Love" contestant when Sean made some decisions. 
I'm embarrassed but I would like to say that my reactions come from a place of weird love.

This week Sean took a break from working out. 
Perhaps he pulled a hammy?
But we were treated to him strollin' around his house in his boxer briefs. 
The internet, being the good best friend that it is, provided me with this little treasure:

The first date was with Selma. 
I like her...I think. 
He picked her up for a date, and I was kind of wondering if they were running from the law, with the amount of times they changed their modes of transportation. 
He picked her up in a car...
Then took a plane...
Then a jeep...
Then they walked....
Next I was convinced they were going to take a tug boat somewhere to continue their sojourn away from what I can only conclude was Liam Neeson in "Taken 3."

Selma kept asking where they were going and Sean kept avoiding the question. 
Then Selma said something that almost made my wig fall off. 
And I quote, "What are you going to do with all 110 lbs of me?"

I'm sorry Selma....
you weigh how much?
Oh 110 at the age of 28?
Cool I weighed 110 pounds probably by the age of 4. 

You know who knows my current weight lady?
Me. 
And my doctor. 
And I'm thinking about investing in a mind eraser so even he doesn't know. 
I've heard of name dropping in a conversation...but WEIGHT DROPPING?
Come on man.

Turns out they were going rock climbing in the desert. 
Selma claimed she felt, "Puffy."
I'm sure she was feeling a real hefty 112-113 lbs. 

Sean told her that they were going up a 100 ft rock. 
And Selma scaled that damn thing like it was what she normally does on her lunch break. 
And to be clear this girl's butt was literally inches from Sean's face the entire time. 

I have stated numerous times, (literally too many) how afraid I am of farting in public during a yoga class. 
Add rock climbing with your boyfriend to the list. 
Jesus. 

Talk about stress. 

Later Sean took her to a trailer park where they sat and talked.
They kept saying that the date was perfect but they didn't go to a Chipotle so I was kind of confused as to how they could make such a grandiose statement. 

Selma told him that she wouldn't be able to kiss Sean because her mom would flip out due to her culture. 
(via)

It was all very cute and I wanted to barf because I was falling for it. 

For the record, my mom, Barb Jones, would pay Sean Lowe several American dollars and a few Sacajawea coins to kiss me on National Television.

At this point she'd pay Terry Bradshaw to kiss me on National Television. 
I get it Mom...you want grandchildren. 

The next date was a group date at a roller derby rink. 
Tierra, Amanda, other girls, and One-Armed Sarah were all in attendance. 
I want to preface these next comments by saying I promise I'm not an evil person.
However, Sarah...we get it. 
You have one arm. 
Not leprosy. 

Sarah started panicking because she didn't have balance on her skates. 
You know due to the one arm thing.
Every time she would fall she would say she was embarrassed for not getting up quick enough. 
Well girlfriend, let me give you a reinactment of what it looks like when I try to get up from the ground:

And to confirm: I have two arms. 

Her sob story was the damn zip lining debacle all over again. 
My partner in crime Ashley had a pretty solid point: 
Again, I'm not trying to say that Sarah struggle isn't real...but we get it. 
One arm. 

In the meantime Tierra Light- otherwise known as Amanda- had convinced everyone that she was on a roller derby team. 
So naturally it was kind of hilarious that she was the one to take the tumble. 
The girls thought she cracked her jaw. 
And as she drove away to the hospital for X-rays, Tierra began to plot. 

Later in the evening the pack of women were sitting on a roof top deck chatting.

Apparently "getting ignored" and "tortured" by the other women was too much for Tierra. 
Which led her to be "fusstrated."
I can only assume that is similar to being FRUSTRATED.
She stormed off and demanded that she was going to leave, then crouched in a dark hallway and waited for Sean to emerge. 
When he did, she started crying. 

Life is hard y'all. 
Tierra has been waiting to give her underwear  heart to someone for a long time. 
And being in this environment is very trying on her...even though she thinks that Sean is such a great guy. 

This is when I had a black out rage attack. 
Sean said, "Wait right here..." and left. 
To which I exclaimed in my apartment alone, "DON'T YOU GIVE HER THAT EFFING ROSE SEAN."
He didn't listen. 

HE FELL FOR HER TRICKS.
DID COURTNEY ROBINSON AND VIENNA SAUSAGE TEACH HIM NOTHING?
WHAT IS WRONGGGGGGG WITH HIM?

I had to ask:

She is the pits. 

The last date of the evening went to Leslie, or as I like to call her the girl with 1,000 teeth:

The date card came with a pair of diamond earrings. 
Everyone watched in awe. 
Well everyone except Tierra who was found on the couch eating Doritos from a bowl. 
Amateur. 
The bag is the bowl. 
Sean picked her up in a silver sports car and took her shopping on Rodeo drive. 
He mentioned that it was every girls dream to go shopping there and live out the Julia Roberts "Pretty Woman" fantasy. 

I want to break something down for everyone. 
You know what sounds like the WORST DATE EVER: 
Trying on clothes in front of a boy. 
I prefer to try on clothes in the privacy of an Old Navy dressing room where I can sweat to get the button fastened and weep in peace. 
Knowing that I'm trying on dresses for a guy who's abs are chiseled enough to be the home of Mt. Rushmore Pt. 2?
No thanks. 


Also do women really have a "Pretty Woman" fantasy?
Because Julia Roberts' character was a nice hooker who gets picked up and treated like a queen for a week and then beaten up by George Costanza.
Not really my go-to dream sequence. 

He also put a necklace on her with an obscene amount of diamonds on it. 
Yet another fear of mine. 
So many things could go wrong. 
The clasp could get tangled in your hair. 
You have a football player sized neck, and the chain won't fit. 
It was uncomfortable for me to watch. 

The conversation was really awkward too. 
He kept asking her all these really deep thought provoking questions where she revealed she came from a broken family and only wanted to be married once. 
However, we all saw the writing on the wall.
 It was Leslie's time to go and he kindly walked her out. 
Good news: She got to keep the earrings. 

At the rose ceremony everyone was lashing out because Tierra is a dark cloud of hairspray and doom. 
She said, "I'm going to win this."
To which I replied:
 I may have gone overboard with that one.

Amanda ended up being the one to go home. 
She tried so hard to be the crazy one...but when you have a presence as evil and strong as Tierra in the house she didn't stand a chance. 

I don't even know what to believe any more. 
It seems like Tierra just gets crazier and for some reason Sean keeps falling for it. 
It looks like the TWO PART BACHELOR SPECTACULAR next week has a lot of dramz.
Mainly it looks like Tierra falls into a lake. 

Next she'll be tying herself to the train tracks. 
I don't think that's still a thing as this isn't a western...but who knows. 
That girl is crazy enough to do it.
 

57 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh, where to even start...weight dropping, one arm, the bag is the bowl, fusstrated...you are stinking hilarious, and you better get some kind of major writing deal after this season wraps!!

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  2. ...I gotta start watching this show.

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  3. This is amazing! Good thing I don't watch the show this season, because I would be clouding my judgement with my own thoughts/ conclusions. I can just rely on you!
    P.S the tush shaking clip made my morning!

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  4. I don't want to know how your brain works. I'm just glad it does. I laughed out loud many times, the first laugh coming after the line "several American dollars and a few Sacajewa coins". You are hilarious.

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  5. I can't wait to read your review each week. It's more entertaining than the show itself. Thanks for the snorts! : ) ~Rachel

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  6. Seriously...never watching this show! It would totally ruin the whole Jones review for me! You kill! EVERY TIME!

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  7. For realzzzz, that totally unnecessary weight drop was killllllling me. So much so that I had to add lots of letters to my words. P.S. the only reason I'm watching this season is so I can read your blog and laugh. Lub u.

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  8. Thank you. Just thank you!! I always look forward to your posts once the show ends!

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  9. The hubs and I were in tears. Today we watched the whole episode and then read your blog. Seriously. Tears of laughter flowed. The whole arm section. We died!
    Ahh, can't wait until next week. Based on the preview I can't even begin to imagine what you're going to say.

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  10. You are so good. SO GOOD. I almost got fusstrated that my Bachelor recap isn't as good as yours but then I remembered that this isn't a competition and no one "wins" anything.

    So, I will see you next week, Jonesy, for the two-parter. It looks like it will be a cold one. Fortunately that means Selma won't be puffed out to hefty 112 pounds and maybe Tierra will have to leave to mend the arm she loses to frostbite.

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  11. I unfortunately watched this episode a day late and instead of watching it with girlfriends, I watched it with my husband. He had to suffer through some serious shrieking that went something like "I hate Tierra!" and "What an idiot! He's giving her the rose?!" and "I bet the producers told him to do it because she's good for ratings." Ugh. I just cannot with that girl. She is the worst.

    P.S. Your Bach recaps are the best around!

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  12. OMG I was dying with the blog post and then read the comments and they restated some of it and I was dying again. I have yet to catch an episode (must schedule a marathon) and am completely hooked. On your blog. Thanks for making my day!

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  13. I came here via Camp Patton (where I have official lurker status- hi Grace!), and I am dying! Nothing can ever make me watch the Bachelor/ette, not even your blog posts, but I will absolutely be coming back every week to read your recap because everything you write is GOLD, woman.

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