Last night started with a good metaphor.
See Sean working out in a gym...which good for him...watching his figure.
Who knew that's what he looked like without a shirt on huh?
Insane.
Just Kidding.
Just Kidding.
While I am in fact a never nude, Sean is consistently taking his shirt off and twistin' round his head...spinning it like a helicopter.
Too much?
I'll keep going...
He says something about "how he has his work cut out for him"
WHILE HE'S IN THE GYM.
WORKING OUT.
GETTING CUT.
Bing bang boom.
The first date of the night goes to Lesley M.
Who I love, but is a little dead behind the eyes.
Like maybe she's seen some stuff.
I don't know.
It's weird.
Either way he takes her on date where they have to break the world's longest on screen kiss record.
To be clear they have to make out in front of a crowd of screaming people for 3 minutes and 16 seconds.
Not only was it extremely uncomfortable as seen below:
"I'll just rest my arm...righhhht....here."
But I don't really think they have the record.
Why?
Because that's how I get guys to make out with me all the time.
And while the man that I promised a subway token to for his participation as the "representative" from The Guinness Book Of World Records is supposed to keep track of how long we've been kissing usually walks off... I'm pretty sure I've beaten 3 minutes and 16 seconds...
Later they go to dinner and make out more.
I'm pretty sure the date was sponsored by Chapstick.
The next date was the group date.
The girls had to "Love & Baskeball" style play for Sean's heart in a game of beach volleyball.
I LIVE for these group dates because the girls lose their minds.
They play like if they don't win they have to give one of their kidneys as opposed to just riding home on the bus.
Also I don't know if it was just me, but their bathing suits were very "Saved By the Bell" spends the summer at the beach.
Am I wrong?
The game started at what I'm assuming was 12 noon and lasted until dusk.
They were terrible.
The girls that lost took it pretty hard.
As in they cried and said it was all their faults and it was the worst thing that has ever happened to them.
You know what was the worst thing that ever happened to me?
Getting lost on the beach in Wildwood, NJ for an hour when I was six.
Or not getting to go to DZ Discovery Zone for my birthday party because when Barb Jones & I went on a site visit she saw puke in the ball pit and said it was a dirty place.
Losing an extra couple hours with a hot dude has never been an option I guess so maybe I'm looking at it from the wrong perspective.
When the winning team got to hang out with Sean for a little bit longer Amanda and Des decided to fight.
I'm not sure about what.
It seemed really pointless actually.
So much so that I drowned it out.
I started listening again when Kacie had the drunken? wise idea to tell Sean about it.
Because her best friend, Des, fighting with another girl about a boy that all 3 of them were dating really took a toll on her emotionally.
Sean seemed utterly confused just like the rest of us when she was recounting the story.
And just like that Kacie was ugly crying in the friend zone again.
So I recant my statement from last week.
It may be that easy to sneak out of the friend zone, but it is just as easy to be deported..
Sucker.
That was mean and uncalled for.
Sorry Kacie.
The last date of the night is where the most dramz with a z happened.
First the person to read the date was Tierra.
This girl....lemme tell you.
She initially read the card as a 2 on 1 date, which everyone knows is when someone goes home.
She called out AshLee & Selma.
Then was all, "JK LOL Just AshLee with a capital L in her name for no reasonnnnuhhh. Baiiiii"
Because she's the worst.
Then SECONDS BEFORE Sean was supposed to pick up AshLee for their date you hear what I presume to be a bowling ball roll down the stairs.
With the way the fall sounded, this broad should have been a bloody bruised mess with like on shoe missing.
But instead we find her like this:
"But Jones, it looks like she's laying down for a little nippy nap on the stairs...not like she took a violent effing fall."
Right. I know.
Because she didn't fall.
Then the EMTs come and try to take her to a hospital because you know "she fell" and could have "a concussion."
And Sean is worried about her because you know, "she fell."
When they strap her in to take her to the emergency room...because this is an "emergency" because she "definitely fell," and "is definitely not faking it."
She said, "NOOOOO. LET ME OUT OF HERE. I'M FINEEEEEEEEUHHHHHHH."
Because seriously y'all.
She was fine.
As she didn't fall.
When Sean played right into her hands checked on her she was all of a sudden better.
How strange.
Say it with me and this cat:
She. Didn't. Fall.
This is a new low.
Faking a fall for attention?
I mean, mayyyybe AshLee shouldn't have admitted that she was bummed out that this was deterring from her date....but dang you do not give an EFFFF if that's your plan of attack.
She's going to fake a preganacy some how by the end of this and convince Sean that the baby is his.
Something about being in the hot tub...and that's how babies are made.
And because he's sweet and awesome he'll help her raise it.
AshLee's date finally started with her taking a ride in Sean's Jeep that didn't have windows.
I'm sure she was super glad she spent hours on her hair.
They then showed up at Six Flags where they spent the day with two awesome girls who had chronic diseases and loved the "Bachelor."
It was really sweet.
It did kind of bother me that Sean was like, "AshLee did so great with the girls."
Well yeah, hopefully dude. They didn't have unicorn horns and gills.
They were then all treated to a private concert by the Eli Young Band.
The two girls jammed on the air guitar while AshLee and Sean danced together.
The two girls jammed on the air guitar while AshLee and Sean danced together.
Later, they sang another song to JUST the two of them and it made me wonder....
Do the bands ever feel weird for playing to only 2 people making out in a wide open space?
Also don't the people dancing feel weird?
I'm clearly not romantic enough for these kind of dates.
I would just melt from awkwardness.
Take me to a wing eating contest Sean.
Then you will see me at my best.
Ok, actually don't.
The end of the night girls were pulling Sean into random rooms of that mansion to convince them they were worth his time.
Tierra threw tantrums and pulled him away twice.
She really is a peach.
J/K I repeat she's the WORST.
I'm hoping that Sean sees how terrible she is soon, because it is apparent that she is there for attention.
Who am I kidding all of them are.
But I just want the nicest attention seeker to win his heart.
But I just want the nicest attention seeker to win his heart.
Because I just really think he's a muffin and want him to meet someone nice.
That's how this show gets me.
I can make fun of it until the cows come home, which, looking at the clock is soon, as their shifts are almost over.
I can make fun of it until the cows come home, which, looking at the clock is soon, as their shifts are almost over.
But in the end I just love Sean and think he's such a nice guy and don't want him to get screwed over by someone who is really into being picked for next season's "Bachelorette."
He ended up keeping Daniella, or as I like to call her, Ke$ha:
Which is weird to me because she seems really unpleasant.
He took Kacie outside and said he couldn't let her go through another Rose Ceremony knowing that they were only just friends.
So she's probably in hiding somewhere now.
Making a doll family from hairs she gathered during Ben's season and her own eyelashes that fell out while crying.
Ew. Again. That was mean.
I don't know where this rage is coming from.
Probably because they could've been awesome together and she HAD TO BE A GOSSIPPY BIDDY and RUINED IT.
Next week is roller derby and it looks like the women actually try to kill Tierra.
It looks promising.
See you then!
LOVE your recaps!!!! thankyouthankyouthankyou for doing this!!
ReplyDeleteLiterally peed my pants over the Saved By the Bell swimsuit reference...hilarious!
ReplyDeleteI don't even watch this show and somehow I'm addicted only because I get to read about it here! You are da bomb diggity!
ReplyDeleteHaha! I don't watch The Bachelor anymore but I sure do read Jonesy's recaps. I need to make a meme of that or something.
ReplyDeleteI don't even watch this show and I love reading your recaps!
ReplyDeleteBahahahaha...I arrived here from Camp Patton and I can't get enough! Your recaps are the best! Poor, poor Kacie! I was rooting for her, but I guess now I like the girl who went to the amusement park...she seems promising and I liked her bit about being adopted. :)
ReplyDeleteI look forward to your recaps just as much as I love watching the Bachelor! You're an A+, Jonesy :)
ReplyDeleteDZ has my heart forever. But it probably also has no health code and like 7 pairs of my socks.
ReplyDeleteA nevernude...it's just what it sounds like.
Your bachelor recaps are my all time favorite, hands down! Love them, keep 'em coming!
ReplyDeletei don't even watch the bachelor but i love reading your recaps. totally hilair
ReplyDeleteBarb Jones is a real dream crusher. First I find out she assumes that your BFF @SeanLowe09 wasn't the real Sean Lowe and then I find out that she didn't let you go to DZ Discovery Zone?! Dirty or not, that place was magical.
ReplyDeleteMine pale in comparison to yours, but feel free to hop on over to my blog to read my Bachelor recaps.
Love,
Your REAL Twitter BFF
You are one funny gal! My fav part of Tuesday. Btw, I still come back to crack up at the football stompin' pic. Hilarious stuff.
ReplyDeleteI die. Hysterical!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI was going to comment the first time I bust out laughing during your post, and then the second, third... and now , I'm just commenting about being the newest follower! You are a riot {and totally saved me 2 hours watching my dvr - thanks}!
ReplyDeleteOK, for the record - you were not lost for an hour at the beach, 20 mins max. It just felt like an hour because it was at WW. Secondly, you know the bowling party was more fun, especially for Daddy and me. Nothing better than cold beer and pizza while you ate your kitty-cat cake. Love YOU! Barb
DeleteYou are hilarious!!!!!! Thanks for the laughs during my lunch break to make my day brighter.
ReplyDeleteWell, I missed the episode but I feel all caught up!!!!
ReplyDeleteI think this is your best yet. Made way better by Barb's comment.
ReplyDeleteHoly hilario.
me again. 5th read through.
ReplyDeleteppl send me bachelor recaps that are "the funniest EVER"
delete.
talk to the hand.
disagree.
and if Barb could maybe weigh in sometime? does she watch the Muffin and his crazies?
Dear Ashley,
ReplyDeleteOkay, so I owe you a big thank you. Of course, I came here during the Bachelorette via Grace and I've been hooked ever since. Anyway, after the first episode aired I read your recap and was laughing so hard that milk nearly came out my nose. My hubby asked me what I was cracking up about and I read to him the part about the girl singing (always so awkward when they choose to serenade) and backflip girl. He wanted to see the clip of her biffing it, so I showed it to him. Then I read him another part of your blog and he wanted to see that clip. Before I knew it we had watched the whole episode together. Now we have a weekly tradition of sitting down on Tuesday, watching the show on Hulu, and reading your blog during commercial breaks. Best way to watch the show EVER! I tried all last year to get him to watch it with me so I'd have a Bachelor buddy but he firmly resisted. Thanks to you I have a changed man!!
Sincerely,
Kelly Jo
PS - She didn't fall.
shijun 3.24 6
ReplyDeleteray ban sunglasses uk
tod's shoes
herve leger sale
new balance shoes
tory burch outlet online
salvatore ferragamo
beats headphones
insanity max 30
ferragamo belts
soccer jerseys
oakley sunglasses wholesale
gucci handbags
thomas sabo
tods shoes
kate spade
nba jerseys wholesale
herve leger
michael kors handbags
ray ban sunglasses
asics shoes
oakley outlet
ralph lauren outlet
prada handbags
cheap soccer jerseys
christian louboutin outlet
michael kors uk
polo ralph lauren outlet
michael kors outlet online
toms outlet
coach outlet online
longchamp handbags
hollister clothing store
louis vuitton handbags
converse all star
hollister clothing
lululemon outlet online
swarovski jewelry
valentino sale
burberry outlet online
louis vuitton handbags
Well I'm the creepiest blog reader EVER because after reading your recaps of Chris's season, I decided it was entirely worth it to go back and watch old seasons of the bachelor that I haven't seen so I could enjoy your recaps fully. Arguably, this was an excellent decision because I just lol'ed at this recap so hard. Especially the bunny and all your comments about Tierra and the spelling of AshLee. Every time I say her name out loud (which is weirdly often?) I yell the "Lee" part...because it should probably be emphasized if it's spelled that way?
ReplyDeleteAannnnnnnnyways, thanks for writing these and fueling my creepy bachelor binge habits.
rolex watches uk
ReplyDeletemanchester united jersey
san francisco 49ers jerseys
atlanta falcons jersey
boston celtics jersey
hermes belt
hermes birkin
burberry outlet
soccer shoes
futbol baratas
coach outlet
nike air max uk
lebron james shoes
philadelphia eagles jerseys
cheap nike shoes
oakley sunglasses
hermes outlet
the north face outlet store
kansas city chiefs jerseys
north face jackets
chicago bears jerseys
chelsea jersey
los angeles lakers jerseys
ugg boots
michael kors uk
chanel handbags
chicago blackhawks jersey
tory burch outlet online
mulberry uk
christian louboutin uk
stuart weitzman boots
denver broncos jerseys
san antonio spurs jerseys
nike trainers
moncler coats
juicy couture outlet
new england patriots jerseys
air jordan shoes
gucci shoes
kate spade outlet
a chang 0617
nike air max
ReplyDeletenike huarache
ralph lauren outlet
christian louboutin
toms outlet
uggs outlet
jordans for sale
polo ralph lauren
ugg outlet
hollister clothing
jordan shoes
marc jacobs
ugg outlet store
swarovski jewelry
polo ralph lauren
nike running shoes
ugg clearance
chanel handbags
oakley sunglasses
ugg boots
michael kors handbags
louis vuitton outlet
gucci outlet
timberland boots
nike air max
pandora jewelry
uggs on sale
cheap oakley sunglasses
michael kors outlet
ray ban sunglasses
20151114yuanyuan
michael kors wallets for women
ReplyDeletemulberry handbags
calvin klein,calvin klein outlet online,calvin klein wholesale,calvin klein shoes,calvin klein underwear,calvin klein coats,calvin klein handbags
kobe bryants shoes 2015
moncler outlet
louis vuitton handbags
swarovski outlet
rolex watches
juicy couture sale
hollister
michael kors online outlet
fitflops shoes
ugg outlet
ralph lauren sale
polo ralph lauren
salomon speedcross 3
nike shoes
air jordan 13 free shipping
tory burch handbags
north face jackets,north face,the north face,northface,north face outlet,north face jackets clearance,the north face
omega outlet
ReplyDeleteabercrombie and fitch
cheap ugg boots
true religion outlet
kate spade outlet
canada goose outlet
supra shoes
burberry outlet online
discount oakley sunglasses
true religion uk outlet
ralph lauren outlet
lululemon pants
barbour jackets
polo ralph lauren
louis vuitton bags cheap
cheap football shirts
uggs outlet
north face outlet
louis vuitton outlet online
nike trainers
1226
2016-04-06keyun
ReplyDeletemont blanc pen
kate spade outlet
tory burch outlet
louis vuitton outlet online
red bottom shoes
ray ban sunglasses outlet
louis vuitton outlet
michael kors outlet
ralph lauren polo shirts
nfl jerseys
true religion jeans
jordan 3 retro
louis vuitton outlet stores
michael kors bags
louis vuitton
coach outlet
coach outlet store online
adidas originals store
supra shoes
designer handbags
lebron 11
air jordan shoes
hollister jeans
michael kors handbags
coach outlet store online
vans sneakers
replica rolex watches
burberry sale
louis vuitton outlet stores
timberlands
michael kors outlet online sale
cheap jordans
christian louboutin shoes
louis vuitton bags
michael kors outlet
michael kors outlet
ray bans
louis vuitton bags
louis vuitton outlet
fitflop sandals
ReplyDeleteair jordan shoes
michael kors outlet store
ray ban sunglasses outlet
http://www.fitflopsoutlet.uk
ralph lauren online
oakley store online
oakley vault
air jordan
kobe shoes
michael kors outlet online
toms outlet store
tiffany and co
http://www.christian-louboutin-outlet.uk
mlb jerseys authentic
michael kors handbags
ray ban sunglasses outlet
tiffany and co jewellery
Michael Kors Outlet Store
cheap tiffanys
gg
vans outlet store
ReplyDeletenike air force black
adidas supercolor pink
new balance shoes
coach outlet online
coach factory outlet
nike free runs
toms outlet
michael kors outlet
michael kors canada
cheap nike air max
black timberland boots
michael kors outlet
kate spade handbags
rolex daytona
CHENZHEN20160531
fitflops clearance
ReplyDeleteair jordans,cheap air jordans,air jordan shoes,air jordan 11,air jordan 13,air jordan 6,air jordan 4
louis vuitton handbags
ralph lauren polo shirts
michael kors handbags clearance
ray ban sunglasses
nike huarache
tiffany and co outlet
chrome hearts online
ralph lauren online,cheap ralph lauren
adidas yeezy boost
http://www.nikedunks.us.org
toms outlet
links of london
ReplyDeleteyeezy shoes
retro jordans
cheap basketball shoes
fitflops
tiffany and co outlet
nike air zoom
tiffany and co
nike dunks shoes
air jordan shoes
kobe 9
ReplyDeletenhl jerseys
michael kors handbags
ed hardy outlet
cheap basketball shoes
nike trainers uk
michael kors handbags
ralph lauren pas cher
louis vuitton pas cher
gucci borse
michael kors outlet
ReplyDeletedolce and gabbana shoes
nike blazer
mont blanc pens
under armour outlet
ralph lauren outlet
cheap nike shoes sale
nike air max 90
jordan shoes
nike huarache trainers
longchamp pas cher
ReplyDeleterolex watches
oakley sunglasses
cheap jordans for sale
true religion jeans
ralph lauren polo
mulberry outlet
coach outlet canada
nike store uk
cheap jordans
chanyuan11.23
cheap oakley sunglasses
ReplyDeleteoakley sunglasses
fitflops sale clearance
nike roshe run
nike outlet store
michael kors handbags
michael kors handbags
under armour outlet
giants jersey
cheap ray bans
michael kors outlet store
ReplyDeletecheap oakley sunglasses
cleveland cavaliers
lions jerseys
the north face
new york giants jerseys
nike huarache
adidas nmd
jordan shoes
cheap oakley sunglasses
fitflops sale clearance
ReplyDeletefitflops
nike huarache
kobe basketball shoes
nike air zoom
cheap jordans
adidas ultra boost
michael kors handbags
nike zoom
lacoste outlet
polo ralph lauren outlet
ReplyDeletefitflops sale clearance
converse shoes
nike outlet
salvatore ferragamo
nike blazer pas cher
oakley sunglasses wholesale
coach factory outlet
san diego chargers jerseys
michael kors handbags
mont blanc outlet
ReplyDeletenike outlet
ugg outlet
nike huarache
fitflops shoes
oakley sunglasses
bills jerseys
coach bags
hugo boss sale
fitflops sale
20170821 leilei3915
ReplyDeletecanada goose jackets
kate spade outlet online store
moncler outlet
true religion jeans
cheap oakley sunglasses
pandora outlet
yeezy boost 350 v2
adidas outlet
adidas shoes for men
lacoste polo
nike air vapormax
ReplyDeletetrue religion outlet
nike roshe run
nike air max 90
bape hoodie
true religion
balenciaga
vapormax
adidas ultra boost 3.0
kobe byrant shoes
huarache shoes
longchamp
air max 2018
kobe basketball