Feb 26, 2013

This man...

A little #mysmartercommerce note:
Writing the Bachelor recaps has really given me an outlet to write a blog post weekly. It has also given me an opportunity to meet and tweet people I would have never met before. 
The recaps have been something that I look forward to and really enjoy hearing everyone's comments. 
Sure the show is super staged and cheesy but it brings people together to chat about the staged cheesiness of it all...and for that I dig it. I dig it a lot. 
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So here's the deal. 
"This man" has a name and thy name is Sean. 
I just wanted to remind everyone before we started this week's recap because I'm really thinking the women have forgotten.

I apologize for my outburst. 

Let's proceed. 

The final 3 were taken to Thailand. 
I personally remember Thailand as the terrifying place Claire Danes and Kate Beckinsale were wrongfully incarcerated because of rude Jude Law's drug trafficking trick. 
Realizing that I couldn't hold the terrifying plot of "Brokedown Palace" against Thailand forever, I was blown away by how pretty it was. 

Sean started the dates off with Lindsay. 
I was really excited because I THOUGHT Sean said that they were in Sea Cow, Thailand for their date. 
A date full of Sea Cows?
These guys?
Yes please.

Then I realized what an idiot I was. 
He said, Si Kao. 

He took her to the Si Kao Market. 
Lindsay said it felt like what a normal date would be like for them. 
Just going grocery shopping. 
I'm not lying to you when I say that taking me on a date to a grocery store will inevitably end in a break up. 

I wander back and forth through the aisles. 
I always forget something. 
And almost always have 3 kinds of cookies that I don't reallllly need but want super bad in my cart. 
Then when whoever I'm with encourages me to put them back I whine and
 say I need them because it's a new product and I have to know what it tastes likeeeeeee. 

Barb usually tells me to cut the crap because I'm 26 and I'm embarrassing her, 
but I can only imagine how horrifying my process would be should I take a gentleman caller with me to the local Fresh Grocer. 

Anyway they were saying it felt so right to be with each other. 
He made her eat a crunchy bug.
Then kissed her. 
Romance is weird. 
Sean said he felt like Lindsay was the best friend he had been looking for which made me weep on the inside. 
I mean that's kind of the sweetest thing to say to someone. 
Right?
Please note I do have an upper respiratory infection this week so the congestion may be preventing proper blood flow. 
I don't know science. 
They seem to be a really precious couple. 
I'm a little concerned that homegirl doesn't have a lot of depth to her. 
Sean asked her if she wanted to move to Dallas and she immediately jumped into action:
"Yep. Totally. I already moved to Dallas. I'll take your last name. I'll change my name. I'll cut my hair. Anything you want me to do I'll do it."

I want her to be a little more original and cut out the Kardashian baby voice. 
 I'm asking for a lot, aren't I? 

Then they made a trip to Monkey Beach, which had....monkeys on it. 
Does that look like a scene from Jumanji?
Sure does.
Do they look they're plotting an ambush?
Sure do.
Would I have fed those monkeys like these clowns?
No sir. 
You don't come back from a monkey attack y'all. 

Then their date ended like many do on this show:
Monkeys overlooking them kissing as the sun sets.....
I couldn't make that up if I tried.

They talked about stuff. 
She said stuff about loving him. 
He said stuff about potentially loving her. 
He made her read the fantasy suite invitation out loud to prove her literacy and then she stayed with him where they "talked" for hours. 

Next was his date with AshLee. 
Earlier in the evening Sean said he had the strongest relationship with AshLee. 
I believe this to be true as the hex she put on him was top notch. 
 
In the build up to her date AshLee said she had abandonment issues in the past. 
Was anyone aware of that?
That she had abandoment issues?
Because she was abandoned...by her parents...who put her up for adoption...
leaving her to feel abandoned. 

She reassured us that it was Sean that made her feel safe because she loved him because she didn't feel abandoned when she was with him. 
Because she loved him. 
She kept saying things like she had built up a wall because of her abandonment and Sean was breaking it down.

AshLee showed up to the date wearing this necklace:
Which says "gypset"
I googled it and it means living life like a gypsy. 
I kind of think it was a shout out to ole Arie and his gypsy family. 
You know like a, "if this thing doesn't work out call me...I'll join your pack and bring my own tambourine," kinda deal.

Sean told her that they were going to swim thru a dark cave to get to a beach on the other side. 
That was the only way they could get to the beach. 
A helicopter definitely couldn't have dropped them there. 
Whatever. 
Budget cuts I suppose. 
AshLee made some metaphor about how in relationships you walk in dark alleys...much like that cave...
I don't know what kind of relationships AshLee's been in, but, I'm pretty certain dark alley walks aren't typical. 
Those are called drug deals and you don't usually call them relationships. 
More of a transaction. 

They get to the other side and they're so happy and blah blah blah. 
AshLee said that if Sean proposed to her today she would accept.
More importantly she said EVERY part of her wanted to be engaged to Sean. 
Graphic yet informative. 

 At the dinner portion of the date they were talking about the future and how much she loved Sean. 
She then started talking about the kind of ring she wanted. 

I went from being indifferent about her to disliking her a great deal.  
Everyone knows, 
FIRST RULE OF FINAL 3 BACHELOR: DON'T TALK ABOUT THE ENGAGEMENT RING.

She was way over confident.
Not a fan. 
You could see Sean kind of pull back a little during their date. 
He didn't seem to have as much fun with AshLee...it always felt so formal. 
I decided she was the one that needed to go. 
I dismissed her from my life and Sean's. 
Good day sir. 
I SAID GOOD DAY.

The final date was with Catherine. 
Besides the cheesy "I'm queen of the world!" bit they seemed to have a really good time. 

She confronted the issue about her sisters and how they could sometimes be jealous. 
I was glad she brought them up because they were totally the pits and it needed to be said. 

She also talked about how people have made fun of her in the past and how she never thought she was good enough for a guy like Sean. 
I know that seems super lame and like a generic sob story on this show but I thought it was kind of sweet. She didn't make it into a big thing just a casual comment and you could tell that Sean likes being around her a lot. 

So what you're hearing me say is: I'm officially attached to Sean and Catherine as a couple. 
I hate myself for it but I do. 
I can't help it. 

Before Sean gave out the final two roses he was forced to watch the 3 taped video messages the women made him. 
Lindsay and Catherine's were pretty standard. 
AshLee had an emotional meltdown.
She couldn't talk, cried a whole lot, told him how much she loved him. 
My video message would have been me eating a sandwich quoting episodes of "30 Rock."
Keep that in mind producers of upcoming seasons. 
*wink*

The rose ceremony was supeeeeeer awkward. 
Like I didn't look at the screen because I felt like I was in trouble awkward. 

Sean came into the ceremony knowing that he was sending a girl home who would be heartbroken. 
Everyone could clearly see it was AshLee. 
Everyone except AshLee.

He called Lindsay's name first. 
Then Catherine's. 

At first AshLee was like:
And then Sean was like:
 And then AshLee was all:
And then Sean was all:

And then AshLee said, "You stay here."
And then Sean was like, "Please let me explain."
And I was like, "Where's Sean's dog. Is it in a safe location? She's going to murder it."

And the remaining girls were all:

It was very Spanish Telenovella
I loved it.
 
On her way out AshLee said nothing to Sean.
She did tell the camera this wasn't a silly game to her. 
It wasn't about jokes. 

I didn't get the impression that the other girls were thinking they were on "Last Comic Standing" but sure they were a little more easy going. 

I really think she was pissed because now she has to build the wall back up and she doesn't have the time to get the proper permits. 

I've been wrong before. 

Next week is the women tell all. 
I'm pretty excited to see what happens. 
I'll be in Vegas for a conference (because my life is hard) so if I figure out time zones I might be able to watch it out there. 
If not I'll live tweet it when I get back, thanks to my good friend Tim TiVo. 
He's always got my back. 

The finale looks interesting.
They want us to think he gets a letter from one of the women saying something negative. 
I think that it's a note from his mom telling him she changed her mind and he should propose.
I just don't think either one of the remaining women would walk away. 
I JUST DON'T OK. 

My heart couldn't take it. 

What do you think?
Does someone leave him in Thailand?
Or is it Mama Lowe pulling thru?
The letter is from Chris Harrison professing HIS love for Sean?
OR is Tierra pregnant and he just got the results from Maury that he IS NOT the father?
There really are so many options. 
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 
all images via abc.com




35 comments:

  1. And doesn't have the proper permits...best part!

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  2. Oh my gosh you're HILARIOUS!! I'm sitting at my desk, awkwardly trying to not bust up laughing which has, let me tell you, failed miserably. I'm now getting stared at.

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  3. "I don't know science." You're the best.

    You totally nailed it...the letter's definitely from Chris Harrison. Boom, Jones.

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  4. I don't even watch the blasted show, but I look forward to your posts every single week. So stinkin' funny.

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  5. I laughed out at the part about the drug deal transaction- almost woke the baby on my lap. Jonesequense #45- waking the sleeping baby. Crappy commercial reference for you ;)

    Seriously these get better every week!

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  6. "Graphic but informative." Bahahahaha.

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  7. I would be down for having a Bachelor watch party in Vegas!! That's what I call living the life in Sin City!

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  8. hahaha 'where is sean's dog? is it in a safe location?' best ever. ashlee totally ha a bunny boiling look going on there. love your recap, as always. my money is on catherine!

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  9. And doesn't have the proper permits......

    I have to admit that I stumbled upon your blog a few weeks ago thanks to Camp Patton, but I absolutely LOVE your recaps! Yes, the Bachelor series is very staged, but its the highlight of my TV viewing schedule along side Millionaire Matchmaker! I am at work - at a bank - and I am trying desperately to not laugh out and let everyone know that I spend most of my days following outrageously funny blogs! Keep up the good work!!

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  10. I worked with your mom at K12 and she told me about your blog. I absolutely love it!!! I have a hard time controlling my laughter at work while reading this. This post just made my day!

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  11. Oh my gosh! So glad I wasn't drinking anything while reading this post. You are hilarious!

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  13. Another lurker here who doesn't watch the show but watches kind of obsessively for your recap posts. Love them!

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  14. You have to find something else to recap when this show is over. I don't watch it but you slay me every. single. time! And the thought of not getting a weekly post from you makes me a little bit nutty!

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  15. "Graphic yet informative."
    --best. and my thoughts exactly. when she said it, you should have seen the face i gave my mother...

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  16. luh-HOVE.

    too many favorites to type. I almost have the entire post memorized. biggest fan. biggest creeper.

    anyway. I've secured a destination to watch it live and I CANNOT wait to be reading your tweets - I don't see any reason why you can't make it onto the show. SERIOUSLY. you can do it.

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  17. and by "it" I mean the 3 hour season finale.

    I'm dying to see AshLee the nut and Tierra go to town on Sean and the other women/girls but .... the finale will be incred. 3 hours of bliss.

    off to google, "life" right now.

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  18. And... You've got a new follower. Hilarity.

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