May 29, 2013

Is there a plot twist this season?

I feel like my life is complete again. 
This season is going to be a train wreck. 
With that being said....let's jump right in.

The night began with Des driving up to her new house in her Honda Civic carrying one over night bag. 
Because that's definitely how everything went down.
I can imagine the call from the producer now, 
"Hey Des, yeah we're just gonna need you to bring the essentials, tooth brush, comb, and be at the house around 8:30am. 
Yeah their will be parking...mmhmmm yes food will be provided. See you then. 
Bye bye."

Then Des walked around the house with a voice over of her weeping...already. 
It seems that her angle is the "we lived in a tent" storyline from last season. 
That's what I gathered through her 5 minute monologue of shaky voice crying. 

My best friend Steve was in the area for the night and suffered watched the first hour with me before running screaming from my home but he was so confused as to why she kept crying. 
I believe his exact words were, 
"Why is this B crying so much. Nothing has even happened yet."
Wise words dude. Wise words.

Then she had a sit down with Chris and just kept saying how much she wanted a man and was ready to put a ring on it. 
The way she was talking about how ready she was made it sound like she'd cuddle a rodeo clown if he was nice enough to her. 
I was literally yelling at my television,
 "YOU'RE THE ONE PICKING NOW BOO CALM DOWN. ACT LIKE YA BEEN HERE BEFORE."
Oddly she did not hear me. 
My RAs on the other hand knocked on my door to inform me that it was in fact quiet hours. 

Then because it's 2013 and roller skating in Daisy Dukes on the boardwalk is still a thing we were treated to a really natural and believable montage of Des cruising down the boardwalk. 

She naturally picked this lovely pink hat because not only is it her style but because it will be functional on several of her dates.

Please also note that NOT ONE PERSON AROUND HER IS DRESSED LIKE HER.
One man is wearing a complete suit. 
In fact only one person is wearing shorts. 
I'll move on...

Desiree continued to refer to herself as Cinderella ..which made me think she hasn't actually seen the movie...
She has two loving parents and one protective brother. 
Not necessarily the plot line but hey...live your life girl. 

 Des also kept talking about her Prince Charming overrrrrrrrrr and overrrrrrrr again. 


She didn't respond back, but I'm sure if we hear any of those terms within the season we know who she got them from. 
This girl:
I get all the fellas. 

Then we were finally introduced to the dudes. 

My general rule for new seasons is that I don't learn names of the contestants until later down the line. 
There's too many of them and half of them look alike so I just give them nick names till I think they're going to stick around. 

Is it bananas that I have a system for these shows.
Yes.
Can I stop myself?
Probably yes but ultimately no. 

On to the boyfrannnns:

We are first introduced to JC Chasez from 1999
 He's in the military. Has a dog. Seems like an all around babe so I like him. 

Then we met Urkele who high fives people randomly on the streets of Chicago. 
He let us know he was a banker with his very own office:
Look at all of his personal belongings....like that really cool globe. 
Seems legit.
He later compared to Des to Athena to which she said, "ohhhh"
When Des sends him packing I'm sure Carl Winslow will be there waiting with open arms and he will finally get to marry his real true love Laura.

Next was Gale who invented sign spinning. 
 
 You know who else invented sign spinning?
Anyone standing on a corner spinning a damn sign. 
It's called boredom Gale. 
Not marketing. 

Part of me was hoping he was going to open with,
"Hey girl, I volunteer....to win your heart."


He was followed by Intervention. 
 He talked about his mom and her struggle with sobriety which was really touching. 
Until he kept talking about it...
He gave Des his mom's sobriety coin (isn't that important for her to keep?) and said Des could return it to her in person during hometown week. 
 Brandon(?) then said, that he flipped that same coin to figure out whether he should attend his own birthday party or the hour long interview for the show. 
The coin determined Desiree was in his future. 
I'm sorry but you couldn't show up an hour later to a birthday party?
Just push it back...
Evites are really easy to edit. 

Another guy showed up with a wishbone, from what I'm assuming came from a rotisserie chicken he was eating in the limo. 

This guy showed up without a shirt on...real original. 
Naturally he got a rose. 
Which had to be pinned to his pants. 
Which was gross.
Because he's gross. 

It was kind of downhill from there. 

Like way down hill. 
Like to the point that I began to think there was a plot twist to the season in which Des got kidnapped/murdered because these fellas got increasingly more and more scary as the night went on.

The creep of all creeps showed up. 
I remember his name because I was pretty positive I was going to need to report him to the California police department. 
Jonathan. 
He showed up and gave Desiree an invitation to the "fantasy suite."
She looked really grossed out but politely declined. 
Later in the night he asked her THREE additional times for her to join him upstairs. 
He even went so far as to spruce up a room upstairs. 



That whole kiss Des on the mouth thing was an actual quote. 
He also kept referring to his love tank which makes me believe his mom is Vicki from the Real Housewives of Orange County. 

Des promptly sent him home. 
I'm pretty sure the producers just dropped him off near the airport and he's wandering around LA asking women to check out the fantasy suite....in his pants. 
Sadly Urkele won't be there to high five him. 

Larry tried to dip Des in her dress which got caught. 
He ultimately thought that his failed attempt to woo her via the art of dance was his downfall. 
No pun intended. 
Larry let the world know that he practiced the dip at least 50 times and only 2 women had a problem. 
Which led me to ask, "WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE WOMEN?"
Also 50 women agreed to let you practice with them?
 But none of them would go out on a date with you?
I have questions Larry. 
Lots of them. 
He also couldn't figure out what to do with his glasses:
Clap off:
 Clap on...

Precisely Des. Precisely. 

There was also a magician. 

No Chris Harrison didn't hire a magician for the guys while they waited to talk to Des. 
One of the guys was a magician. 
Sadly he didn't make it past the first night. 
He wanted to let us know he was a lot more than just a magician. 
Part of me was really hoping he was going to yell, 
"THESE AREN'T TRICKS DES. THEY'RE ILLUSIONS. TRICKS ARE WHAT WHORES DO FOR MONEY....AND CANDY."

He didn't make it but strangely enough the guy who talked in only hashtags and his eyebrows did.

Robocop got cut.

Precious Ben and his son Brody were safe.
Did anyone else catch Ben's story of who Brody's mom was?
It was a little odd how casual he was about it. 
"She's my best friend...and thennnnn I knocked her up....sooooo."
It looks like he's the male Tierra of the group so that should be interesting to see. 

These dudes look like they have a lot of emotions. 
The previews made them look really punchy. 
And sobby. 
Which is probably the steroids as none of them have necks but several muscles. 
Several. 

Overall it was a weird night but I think this season is going to be solid. 
What are your thoughts?
Any clear winners?

38 comments:

  1. Even more than I've been waiting for this season to start, I've been waiting for your recaps! You did not disappoint! And the Arrested Development reference?! I'm rolling! Can't wait for your take on next week. And clear winners? Maybe Brooks and Juan Pablo? She seems into those two and they don't seem to be featured much in the previews clips, so maybe this is that producer trickery again ala Catherine.

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  2. I just love your recaps. Always hilario.

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  3. OMG. I think that if you told me to jump off a bridge, I might. I've never watched even a single moment of Bachelor or Bachelorette. Then I started reading your blog and thought your recaps were so freaking hilarious. So then I watched last night- tried to really, and had to try a second time because I was a little put off by all the drama in the previews. Anyway... I watched and thought it was weird. And wasn't really gonna watch again. And then I read your recap. And your recap makes the show SO worth it! I'm getting the jokes and it's even funnier!!!!

    And I wish that the abc people would quit putting those tweets on the bottom of the show and just let you live blog along with the show or something because that would be so much funnier to me. You were spot on with this stuff and I can't wait to see the wreckage continue!

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  4. Your recap is spot on hillarious! I feel like this is the weirdest group of guys to date, and that is saying something! If I were Des I would probably be thinking about plan B right about now.

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  5. Is there a list for people who say they don't watch the show, but live for your recaps? Because I want on that list.

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  6. Do you know that I started watching the show just because your recaps make it look so funny? Turns out your recaps are the funny part! But now I'm hooked on both. I needs me a sobriety coin. And um yeah, the "his mother is my best friend" kinda made me feel like he may be secretly married to her. But I do like him anyway. And I didn't even notice about the bare shelves until you pointed it out...creepy!

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  7. I agree with all of your opinions. ALL of 'em. Glasses guy had me cracking up.

    And my pick is Drew...he was the first out of the limo, has preppy-hipster hair, and a higher voice, but I think he's a winner. Although last season Tierra's crazy went over my head and I had her as my number one, sooo......yeah.

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  8. ah! I told myself I had to wait until the kids went down for naps to read but I couldn't stay away -- lots of LOLing ... that I hate typing. So freaking funny. And there better be a mash-up with an episode of Punked next week because surely they don't expect her to find a prince in that group of bozos???

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  9. I squealed, literally squealed when I saw that you had the first recap up. The simple things in life just bring such joy! Anyway, as usual, you were absolutely hilarious and reading this to my hubby has once again sucked him into the world of the Bachelor which I will forever be grateful to you for.
    I can't wait until next week to get to know the guys better because what I took from this week is that she's got a lame (yet interesting) selection.

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  10. Oh Jones, you never disappoint. I was almost as excited for your blog recaps as I was for the Bachelorette to start. I'm hoping this guys ending up being better than their first impressions...

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  11. LOL. I anticipate no lack of material for this season... Some of those guys were nothing less than special. I want to know why "urkele" doesn't have any books in his office and a completely empty bookcase. Red flag right there. And hashtag guy? #giveitabreak

    Can't wait for the next episode cause I know the recap will be even better!

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  12. Vicki's son!! Love it!! I knew that "love tank" sounded familiar.

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  13. my favorite was after des skated around the boardwalk in daisy dukes and bikini top, she then proceeded to hang around the beach on what i can only assume is supposed to be the same day, but in like 6 or 7 different outfits. someone please correct me if i'm just not following along like a normal person.

    also, des and chris harrison seemed to be having way too much of a good time checking out the bachelorette pad and having heart to heart convos. my husband even remarked, "can chris harrison be thrown into the mix, because they seem to be getting along".

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  14. okay, that comment from derek carlson was supposed to be from me. stupid google didn't ask which account i wanted to use. i need my own computer back. sorry for the confusion jonesy!

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  15. I am so happy to have found your blog. I used to watch The Bachelor(ette) with my husband but eventually got tired of all the drama and fake twists. Now reading this post makes me a) want to start watching again and b) read this to my husband so he'll want to start watching with me. You´re hilarious and when I started reading I didn´t even know which show you were talking about, doesn´t matter, I still laughed :D

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  16. My life feels complete again now that you're posting Bachelorette recaps again!!!!

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  17. Love these recaps....spot on and funnier then the show! You have a gift, friend.

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  18. I don't even watch the show but love reading your recaps!

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  19. hilarious, as always!

    thought of you when i saw this gem...

    http://nbcthevoice.tumblr.com/post/51812625333/is-there-anything-more-awesome-than-adam-eating

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  20. Ok Gale/Robert...also ERIK VON DETTEN from critically aclaimed "Christmas Every Day".

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  21. A few days late to the party, just watched this On Demand while working out this morning...good lord, thumbs down for all of these dipshits. Sign spinning? Hashtags? High fives? Magic? Armor? Wishbones? The only dude I can like even a little is the one with the kid, and that's only because I have a wee man myself and thought the kid was super cute. Ugh. I'm not going to read ahead, just need to catch up on my watching!

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  22. Please please pretty pleeeease put another post up. It makes my week (which is sad, but I have no shame)...

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