Jun 18, 2013

Manny & Jan for Prez

I would just like to say that this week was stupid. 

I'm trying reallllllllllllllllly hard to not hate everyone besides Brooks and it is making me sleepy. 

Grace said I was excused from writing a post this week:

But I think it's a trap because she has also threatened to kill me if I didn't in the past....
So...I'm on to you Patton. 

 The week starts out with the men discovering that they are going to Atlantic City for the week. 
All the men are so excited to travel with Des. 
Ben said that traveling with Des to AC would take their journey to a whole other level. 
Sea level? Because honestly you're not really traveling with her dude. 
Just kinda meeting her there. 

Cut to Des looking over there
 Down there
 To the right now y'all...
Seriously...it was a solid 3 minutes of her staring off into nothing explaining how she was excited to explore AtlanTIC City with the guys. 

She was very specific with her pronunciation.

We then see the guys plane land like so:
The breaks squeaked pretty hard anddddd it went a little off course. 
I'm not sure if Denzel Washington's character in "Flight" was the pilot or not but they all arrived safely. 

Kasey called AC, "Vegas on the ocean."
Michael G. said the opportunity to be with Des in NJ was magnificient. 
Mikey T. was just happy to get a chance to meet his hair idol Paulie D. 

The first date card showed up and Brad got the 1:1. 

Mikey let us know that Brad was a good kid but not fun. 

We immediately see Des and Brad having said fun on the boardwalk:

 Zak looks over the pier and sees them having such a great time. 
 He informs all of us that they're probably on the carousel and everyone knows THINGS happen on a carrousel.

Uh what things Zak?
murder?
We then see Brad and Des wander into a candy factory(?) and try salt water taffy. 

Then Des wants to explore for the chocolate she smells. 
Because she's a woman and women love chocolate. 
And she smells it. 
So she knows it's there. 
Because she smells it. 

That's not me being a bad writer...that's the conversation that happened. 

They then sniff their way through the building like a pack of beagles and finally come across chocolate covered pretzels being made fresh. 

Naturally they just drizzle caramel on them and munch on them right there. 
Because it's sanitary...and so spur of the moment. 

Definitely not scripted at all. 
this is me buying it...

 
Then they went and sat in this sand castle some kid slaved over all day. 

Thanks kid.

Des starts to let us know that she's having doubts about Brad even though she's having a super fun time. 
She says that the conversation doesn't come easily but she does enjoy herself when she's with him. 
The classic we have fun but have nothing to talk about fiasco. 

They go to dinner where they sit right next to each other and sit in silence. 
Oh wait...Brad did bring up the fact it was super fun going on that sling shot thingy. 

Des asks him if he wants to go to the top of a historic light house. 
He says yes. 

They start climbing the stairs:
 And keep climbing....
 And climbing
 
In silence.
Because the perfect date for me is huffing up stairs with a guy in silence so that the only sound that can be heard is my heavy breathing and muffled sobbing. 

They FINALLY get to the top and still don't speak. 
Literally 3 seconds later she tells him he's not getting the rose. 
And sends him back down the stairs. 


Bye buddy...
I'm sorry but was any one else a little annoyed she didn't tell him down at the bottom of the stairs? 
If you need a dramatic shot of Des looking out over the water send her up there by herself. 
But if y'all are gonna to be sweatin' to the oldies for a 10 minute climb at least make out for a second. 

   
Next up was the group date. 
Brooks said it was so good to see Des because she's like a mythical unicorn. 
She only shows up for short amounts of time and then leaves again. 
That's the same description of a common squirrel but hey mythical unicorn it is:


The men find out they are going to compete in a Mr. America pageant.
    
You can audibly hear Desiree ask,
"Do you guys hate me?"

No they don't hate you they wanna go on a helicopter ride and they might be first prize. 

The men start figuring out their talents. 

Turns out Juan Pablo (JP) was a mean baton twirler


Brooks attempted to play the ukele with his weird Morgan Freeman hand:

Ben did a ribbon dance no one cared about. 

Chris wore heels. 

Blah blah blah

They all found out they had to do a bathing suit portion. 
Mikey was mad he didn't have a smaller suit. 

The show starts and we were introduced to our judges one of which may have been Perd Hapley from "Parks & Rec," disguised as the Mayor of AC.
During the Q&A Mikey tells us he's not a piece of meat, and that sometimes guys cry inside, and like long walks on the beach. 
Chris Harrison asked him to then take one of those long walks off a short pier. 
Ok he didn't but I wish he had.
Mikey's talent was actually pretty meaty but he's dumb. 
So I don't fault him.

Juan Pablo reveals he has a daughter (????)

Kasey did this weird tap dancing thing that everyone loved but I thought was #lame.

Zak wrote a song that was a first very sweet...and then when he sang it to her AGAIN at the after party it was more confusing than anything. 

Speaking of the pool party we find out that Chris is a muffin but also sits in coffee houses writing poetry. 
Which is crazy because so does Des. 

Naturally while sitting in a pool he has his handy dandy notebook right next to him so he can read her a stanza or two. 
 The poetry reading didn't bother me as much as the singing did. 
Mainly because I think Chris is cool and I thinking singing to someone right into their face is mortifying for the other person.

Zak ended up getting the rose for the date while all the other dudes focused on Ben being a tool. 
I honestly I still don't see the big deal about Ben. 
He's a jerk but he's not getting a lot of play from Des, he's forcing it so I don't know...I guess they need drama. 

The next 1:1 is with James. 
And we see our first helicopter of the season. 
Honestly it was like seeing an old friend. 
Thank God.

The date consists of them looking at all of the damage that was caused by hurricane Sandy. 
 You could tell James was really in to what the lady was telling them:
You're wasting my flavor right now lady.
Desiree and James meet this couple Manny & Jan who lost their home in the hurricane. 

They are the sweetest people on the planet who have been married for 37 years and had so much devastation around them. 


It kind of had me thinking:
Why wasn't the group date something productive like building a habitat house for them?
I could have forgone the men in banana hammocks for M&J. 

After hearing their story Des says she wants to give them their date so they can celebrate their anniversary. 
James agrees and they tell M&J that they are in fact going to AtlanTIC City. 

James then tells Des they should go get spaghetti because after all they're in Jersey. 
Is spaghetti the state food of NJ?
Did I miss something? 

Anyway they go on a boring ass date where James revealed he cheated on his girlfriend of 5 1/2 years his freshman year of college. 
He said his heart was broken because he broke his girlfriend's heart and he would never do it again. 
Des tell him that she has been cheated on and then kind of went dead behind the eyes. 

I'm not sure if she was flashing back to her carving her name in the leather seats of her ex's car with Carrie Underwood playing in the background or if she was just a little worn out from the busy day but it was a little unsettling. 

I would also like to point out that he brought up a cheating scandal from his freshman year of college. 
I work in a first year residence hall and here we call that incident a Tuesday afternoon. 
Crap happens. 
You're not running for office, you're trying to get a rose. 

Also if the guys could stop saying, "here for the right reasons," I'd truly appreciate it. 
It's not going to make the rap song #1 on iTunes. 

Des in the end is just happy that he was honest with her and says she can get past it. 
She also got past Brad's domestic abuse arrest, so I'm not sure what is really gonna throw her over the edge. 

They finally bring us back to Manny and Jan. 
A waiter brings them their old wedding album they thought was destroyed.
They are so happy for all the Red Cross has done for them and the memories that they can continue to share with their grandkids. 
Basically I was weeping. 

Des and James come back and crash the date and let them know there is one more surprise. 
You'll never guess what it is. 

A PRIVATE CONCERT FOR JUST THE TWO OF THEM BY DARIUS RUCKER. 
Really a dream come true for Manny and Jan as they are huge Hootie and the Blowfish fans. 
 Manny tells the camera in Italian about their perfect night and Jan tells him he's "So Sexy." 
Manny & Jan for Prez

James made some lame metaphor about Jan and Manny weathering the storm together in life and in love. 
So now I hate him.

At the rose ceremony one person was going home. 
Bryden told the group he wasn't sure of his feelings. 
He also told Des. 
To which Des said, "No please stay."
To review, arrests, cheating, and now saying I don't have feelings for you are not deal breakers.


Michael G. did some weird acrostic poem for her which made me barf. 

During the rose ceremony she offered one up to Bryden who took it. 
Shocker. 

She ends up sending the other Zack home. 
You know the one who always looks like a sleepy koala:

He's blind sided.
Naturally. 
Because they've spent so much time together. 

He then takes a long escalator ride home to the nearest eucalyptus tree in an effort to gather his thoughts. 
Is this a moving bed? Can I lay down?

Next week looks far more interesting.
It looks like 4 people go home due to fighting to which I could not be more excited about. 

Viva la dramz 
because right now I'm about to climb in a tree for a nap next to Zack for the rest of this season if things don't start to spice up.




15 comments:

  1. Dying. Such a good recap of a terrible episode.

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  2. I don't even watch this show and I was laughing out loud because it was so funny!

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  3. You did it. You made the worst episode the best recap. Loads of love from St. Louis!! Too much?

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  4. When she sent home Zach, I was like, Who's Zach?

    This episode was so PC and phony it killed me. But, like Grace said, your recap salvaged it a little.

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  5. So...I'm on twitter hiatus for this season of Bach a) because I decided to drink beer in a field every Monday night this summer under the ruse of "Adult Kickball League" and b) because I heard it was going to be SERIOUSLY AWFUL. I'm basically just using your weekly recaps to keep up and it sounds like a snoozefest. Thanks for taking one for the Bach team. I do miss weekly correspondence via the interwebs though.

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  6. I really thought Mikey and Miss America were going to run away together. I really, really did.

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  7. Oh, Jones. This is fantastic! Worst episode. And probably your best recap yet.

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  8. I live for these recaps. Please keep em comin!

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  9. haha just found your blog from Grace and this bachelorette recap is basically the best thing ever! off to go read more!

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  10. Excellently hilarious once again. Still not watching the show, still loving your recaps.

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