Please stop saying balls...

Well Week 3 ya didn't let me down. 
Ya didn't give me much hope either...

The first date card was delivered right away by Chris Harrsion, who as usual could give zero F's about what is happening. 
It was reiterated that everyone should want to be on the 1:1 date and group dates blow. 
Naturally the first date was a group date.

Michael G. started the day off by stating out of 10 guys going on the date 9 of them were great...while holding up 5 fingers. 
Math is not his strength. 
Either that or his hatred for Ben is really getting to him cognitively.
All the guys piled in the car and hit the road for their day with Desiree. 

Turns out they were going to play dodgeball against each other. 

That's when everyone lost their minds and started making every ball analogy they could think of.
Balls were whizzing by them. 
People were going balls to the wall. 
They were going BALListic...(ok I made that one up)

I was convinced one of the guys was going to mention how "ballsy" it was for them to take a risk and tell Des a deep dark secret but they held it in. 

But you get the was a little BALL-nanas...
yep that one made no sense. 
I own that. 

Michael G. had a ton to say about the date. 
However he made no reference to why he was dressed like Patrick Swayze a la "Dirty Dancing."

As per usual date battle it was red team 
Vs. the blue team. 

I was surprised they let Mikey play as I was convinced he was going to be accused of having low grade beaver tranquilzers in his system:

Turns out he may just be part beaver.

The blue team ended up winning but not before poor precious Brooks broke his finger. 

Poor guy had to go to the hospital and get it reset which then caused him to pass out. 
I love Brooks, but I gotta say...that's pretty wimpy. 

I broke my ankle in 7 places and didn't pass out. 
I did however ask if my pants ripped on my way down because the guy I liked played on my co-ed softball team and I didn't want to entirely embarrass myself.
I should have thought about that before trying to slide the first time in like seven years. 
Whatever. Back to Brooks. 
He had to lay in the ER while the other guys were hanging out with Des at some random hotel after party. 

The guys were doing the most to get Des's attention. 
Brad revealed he had a 3 year old son and a trumped up arrest record. 

Somewhere you could hear Ben LOLing about what a sucker he was to wait 3 whole dates to drop the kid bomb.
He seemed like a nice guy though.
Then Chris who I always thought was also Brian decided to make a move and take her some place special:
.The building's roof, that looked all over Gotham LA.

At one point Des said, "The spot that Chris took me to on the roof..." which is a sentence I normally hear on a Dateline special and not the Bachelorette. 
He offered her a seat on the ground to which she replied, 
So it doesn't take much to impress her fellas. 

Chris was actually pretty sweet and I kind of like him.

Soon after Brooks comes bouncing in looking a hot hot mess. 
Presumably hopped up on pain medication. 
Y'all I can't.

Des said she was so glad to see him (ditto) and it meant a lot to her that he made it to the after party. 
Everyone knows that after the show is the after party and after that it's the hotel lobby. So like any solid R.Kelly fan Brooks was obligated to make an appearance. 

After Brooks and Brad's big moves the one that caught Des's eye was Rooftop Chris. 

They were then treated to another private concert (this season's helicopter) by Kate Earl (who?). 

The next day, cut to a scene of Des writing in her diary:
I imagine her to be coloring this instead of writing something deep and inspirational:
Ok I drew that but she probably was doing something very similar. 

Suddenly the phone rings and it's Chris Harrison on the phone with some "strange news" that he probably doesn't care about. 
One of the guys has a girlfriend. 
Which guy?
My thoughts exactly. 
Brian who turns out is not Chris.
I believe I've been referring to him as "Squatty Eye."

Turns out he was with his ex-girlfriend 2 days before he left for filming of the show. 
The girlfriend Steph was pissed and didn't let Brian, Chris, or Desiree get a word in edge wise.
However Brian was able to let it out that rocks had been thrown at him. 
So that totally justifies his behavior.

He apparently told her that they should take a break while he was gone on a business trip and that on May 10th they were going to go to dinner and work things out. 

I'm sorry but don't you think it's a little suspicious that you're boyfriend asks you to take a break but then gives you a firm date for when you will reconvene?

It also turns out Stephanie had a son Donovan who looked up to Brian. 
This is an important fact for later so hold on to it. 

Chris and Desiree made the decision that he needed to hit the bricks and called in the security guard, Paulie. 
Who I instantly fell in love with. 

Call me?

Remember when I told you to remember the fact that Stephanie had a son that Brian abandoned?
Well Brandon heard that little fact and that sent him into a fury of emotion. 

Bye Dad...I mean Brian
He told a story about how his mom would bring home guys that would throw the ball around with him and leave. 
He would get attached and "fall in love with them" and then wake up and they would be gone. 
How dare Brian do that to her son. 
That is not me exaggerating his reaction. 
In fact this is literally what happened:

The moment wasn't about him...but he certainly made his weepy presence known. 

Desiree then came in and asked the boys if they had anything else they needed to say. 
All the guys looked really ashamed...especially Chris. 

After everyone sat in silence, Des picked up Kasey for their 1:1 date. 
It was boring. 
They danced on the side of a building which really just seemed like a drawn out advertisement for Windex. 
Kasey said that it was such a special moment just for them that couldn't be replicated. 
Until next season...when they do something else off the side of a building. 

Then they had dinner on a roof top. 
It got windy so naturally they jumped in the pool. 
Where it was too cold. 
So then they sat in a stairwell. 
Des gave him a rose. 
Blah blah...boring...blah. 

The next group date Des wore this dress:
  The dudes did stunts essentially to promote the "Lone Ranger."

Part of the date was that the men had to impress Des enough to be her "Lone Ranger" of the day.
 The winner would get to spend one on one time with her while watching "Lone Ranger" while the other guys presumably worked the concession stand and took their ticket stubs. 
Can I say Lone Ranger any more?

Juan Pablo won and was pretty adorable. 
They made out a bunch...even mid-popcorn bite.

The after party consisted of James saying something about his dad. 
Bryden swiped his bangs (thankfully) and was pretty cute. 
Zak with the abs was kinda nice. 
But in the end it was James that got the rose. 

The cocktail party before the rose ceremony was cancelled but replaced by a pool party. 
Ben snagged Desiree for a quick little spin before everything got started and of course Mikey T and Michael G found out about it. 
Later they confronted him to which Ben said, 
"This show is called the Bachelorette not, 'Let's Make Friends.'" 
I'm glad it's not called "Let's Make Friends," because tat sounds lie the lamest show on earth. 
Also I kinda feel like the guys need to get over it. 
He's making the most of his time, which they could also be doing. 
I say this now but I'm probably going to hate him next week and be yelling in all caps about how he needs to go, but until then the Mike's need to stop being such gigantic sissy's about Ben, and start making their own moves. 

Brandon pulled Des aside at one point to tell her why he was still so upset about what Brian had done to his girlfriend. 
He was devastated that he would do that to a single mom because he knew what it was like to be the kid. 
He then said he wasn't going to cry but did. 
He also told her that even though they didn't talk all that much, he was falling in love with her. 
And then creepily kissed her. 
You know who else says, "we don't talk that much but I'm falling in love with you..."?

At the rose ceremony, the last 3 guys standing were Ben, Dan, and Brandon. 
Ben ended up getting the final rose which caused Brandon to go into a tail spin. 

He told Desiree she didn't know what she was doing. 
That she was making a huge mistake. 

Brandon then started crying 

and said the following two statements:

"Someone else just left me....AGAIN."



His final words:
"I have no more tears left to cry."

I know some people probably thought it was sweet or were worried about him but I'm fairly confident he had been chipping away at a nice little crawl space for himself his entire time there. 
I'm sure this isn't the last we'll see of him. 
The men probably spent the rest of the season hearing distant sobbing at night. 

Next week all the guys decide they hate Ben for being smart and turn on him. 
I'm intrigued to see what happens. 

You know what else I'm intrigued by?
Catherine and Sean being on "Good Morning America" tomorrow. 
Apparently they have an announcement. 

Fingers crossed. 
What did you think about this week? 
Were you kind of let down it was only Brian who had the girlfriend?


  1. Can we please talk about those heinous peach/skin colored pants Des was wearing to confront Brian? They made me physically uncomfortable and I was SURE that her camel toe was going to make it's TV debut.

    1. Sarah, I am so with you! Flesh colored and tight as flesh is a bad combo.

    2. Those pants....I thought she wasn't wearing any!

  2. Brandon was so good looking, but why did he have to be so weepy? Boo. Love your recap, as usual. Much better than the actual show.

  3. Great recap!! Was I the only one that thought Ben was wearing a weird tank-top that looked like it was meant for a girl?

    1. I know, right?! Think he borrowed it from Ryan in Emily's season. Love your recaps as always, Jonesy!

    2. Nailed it. Totally the same douchey tank.

  4. "I have no more tears left to cry."


    But I can't decide if that comment from Brandon or Ben's dirty dancing tank top makes me laugh/question humanity more.

  5. The 'I farted' caption in that cute font was too much for me...these re caps never fail to make me laugh out loud

  6. I continue to love your updates without watching a single episode of the show. Keep 'em coming!

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