First let me say it's good to be back.
I spent all last week in Garden City, South Carolina on vacay with two of my closest frangs Emily & Katie.
Don't worry, while we were away we watched the "Men Tell All" and if Chris isn't the next Bachelor I'd be just fine if Juan Pablo was picked.
Also I'm pretty sure that Zack has given up on participating on the show in any other way and is now purely auditioning for a record deal.
But, it looks like that was the last snoozy episode of the season because oh boy y'all.
Last night was:
The night starts off with Des talking about all the men like she's a hostage asking for ransom money.
"I am in love with them. I am safe. Please send help. I am on a journey. Chris Harrison has me in his basement reading you this. I love you mom, Dad, not you Nate."
She must have done that voice over after the SPOILER ALERT: break up with Brooks because gf was not excited to recap her life.
The dates start in Antigua.
Can we talk for a second about how I lived my life thinking it was said An-teag-wa
& then last night those jerks kept saying Ann-tea-ga and it made me rage.
Luckily my friend Carlyle felt very similar:
|We get really into it.|
We're treated to the first date with Drew.
Everyone else was super bored right?
Here are the highlights:
Drew running like a nerd.
Drew insisting that he needed to pull over and kiss her...
The old man who weaved them a rose and a heart and then demanded Drew kiss Des in front of him.
But whatever he made it entertaining.
Because life is hard, they had to go directly to the Fantasy Suite which had no build up this season.
They open a door to what seems to be a secret garden which Drew loved because he dies for the book and the outfits in the movie.
Then it was:
"Hey....you're just gonna come in here with me. No questions asked. We're basically gonna seal the deal."
In all honesty was refreshing because the past two seasons they've talked about the fantasy suite like it was a den of debauchery where the itchiest of diseases and whore-iness roam free.
(To clarify that is exactly what it is...I just miss them using it.)
Quick side note: If they stay in the fantasy suite are they still charged for the one contestant's room for the night? Or is it a wash?
I just don't if they're using a room block...or if they get a discounted rate.
I wanna make sure ABC is getting the most bang (no pun intended) for their buck.
Once in the fantasy suite I played the game called,
"What the F is in between them?"
Is that ice cream?
Why is it on a plate?
Why is it on a plate?
Is it melting?
Why aren't they being more careful?
Is that cake?
Is it cheesecake?
Are they going to eat that?
Drew tells Des he would ask her to marry him tonight if he was able to...to which I said, calm down dawg.
Then Drew dismisses the cameras and it's weird.
He's always trying to stress the fact that he wants to kiss Des.
To the point where it's like, "act like ya been there before homie."
Next up was
the man of my dreams Chris.
So can we talk for a second about how perfect he is?
First of all there's this:
Second of all, he's the ONLY person who isn't a total douche.
He's always been curious about Des and asked her questions about her life and just been so sweet.
Y'all know how I feel about singing and poems being read into my face but I feel confident when I say that I would let Chris sing/read (sread?) a poem directly into my ear holes if he wanted to.
That's how much I love him.
I'm getting that, "I love you like I loved Denny from "Grey's Anatomy" feeling for him.
Do I think Des is going to kill him off like my arch nemesis Shonda Rhimes did to Denny....no....but then I remember she goes dead behind the eyes a lot and it makes me question:
I feel like his heart...his precious perfect baseball throwing heart...is going to get broken.
To the date:
They get to ride in a helicopter which I've truly missed.
|Welcome back old friend.|
They go to an island where Des insists on wearing a vest over her bathing suit:
They talk about things.
What I'm not sure because I was just kinda staring at him say presh things.
Then she made out with him on the beach.
|I can't. I'm just....I can't y'all.|
Later on Chris insists that after their dinner they're going to utilize the F.S. to merely look at the stars
He writes her another poem (at this point he can do whatever he wants...write a profane rap if you need to dude you can do no wrong in my eyes).
End of date.
In the meantime Brooks is freaking out to his mom and sister because he doesn't know how he feels.
He tells them that he's about to go on his exotic date(?) with Des and is super confused about how he feels.
At this point I'm starting to get a Buster Bluth a la "Arrested Development" vibe from Brooks.
He constantly needs his mother's approval:
And relies on her past life lessons to get him through current day situations.
I'm half surprised his mom's name isn't Lucile.
He ends up "figuring out" he's not in love with Desiree and hops on a plane to tell her.
When he gets there he tries to get Chris Harrison's advice.
Here's Chris's reactions to the gibberish that Brooks spouts:
|"Help me Dad...I mean Chris."|
|"Uh. Wait. What?"|
|"Is it pizza night tonight? I hope not because I do not want pizza."|
|"Dammit. It's Tuesday. Pizza night. Son of a....Oh wait you don't love Desiree? Oh she's gonna be pisssed."|
He then wanders down to the beach to meet her for the date while her voice over is telling us she loves him and wants to be with him forever.
She says to the world that she wants him to be her husband and she's so excited to see him.
As soon as he shows up she knows something is going on and there begins the 18 hour break up of Desiree and Brooks.
He tells her he doesn't feel like he's in love with her, and she tells him that she loves him.
His response, "Why didn't you tell me?"
Uh she can't you idiot.
It takes the fun out of it.
Have you learned nothing?
Here's how the rest of the conversation happened:
"You broke my heart but I love you."
Crying some more.
"I don't want to leave her...but I'm gonna."
Des walking down to the pier.
Brooks thought that he was going to be dumped and didn't want to say he loved her because he didn't know how she felt.
Once he saw that she was most likely going to pick him, he "wised" up and realized that he made a mistake.
It looks like she says she's done with the whole journey but I'm pretty sure she tells the other guys she can't move on and then I think Brooks comes back.
If that's not the case and she's with Drew or Chris I don't know how they're going to feel watching this episode because it basically would seem like she settled.
And no one settles for Chris.
I'll calm down.
I'm not going to lie, my two sorority sisters and I have been on the prowl for spoilers trying to figure this thing out:
According to Twitter, the ever reliable Reality Steve has called Brooks as the winner.
He hasn't been wrong yet so if the spoiler of all spoilers is wrong then I have no idea what's coming.
Her brother Nate has spoken out and said Brooks is not the winner.
Oddly he also proclaimed he was not the father of several women's babies but when informed he was not auditioning for "Maury" he ended his interview.
Yeah I've stooped to spoilers.
I NEED TO KNOW.
We all do.
We've lived through a crummy season and deserve some answers!
Speaking of too much, I'm going to go tweet Chris until he decides he wants to be my friend.
I'm sure he will be zero percent freaked out that I declared a Denny-like love for him.
Then I need to call my Meme because Barb Jones says she's got some conspiracies of her own she needs to talk out.
What do you think?
Is it over?
Is she leaving without anyone?
Gimme them theories!