Jul 5, 2013

I'm a hater...


This is my best friend Steve:

That's the actual size of his hand.


He says I hate everyone.
It's not completely true.
I love a lot of people.
I just don't tolerate huzzies.
Ok fine I call them skanks.

Many of you know I'm an Amanda Bynes tweet stalker.
I live for "Teen Mom" dramz and occasionally have been known to watch "Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta."
Steve calls it Rap Broads.

I say this because I want you to know that I do not hate trashy people...I love them.
They speak to me.

However, I do not much care for the skank.
Do I watch them in their natural habitat...yes.
I can't help it.
Just because I hate doesn't mean I can't and won't observe.

Because of that, I am guilty of following Miley Cyrus on Twitter.


I used to really like her.
A ton.
I thought she was weird and watched "Hannah Montana" on the reg.
I even kinda dug her new haircut.

Then she posted her new music video.
Have you seen it?


This is the only picture that really captures how I feel in many moments....so I'll use it again.

Is that not the weirdest ish you've seen?
I was going to say ever but I don't know your lives.
I wouldn't say I'm disgusted by the video but
I do in fact hate it.

More than anything  
I'm confused.

This video is like "Beauty & the Beat" and "22"'s trashy cousin they don't invite to Christmas. 

Also, is Miley Cyrus actually Justin Beiber?

In my confusion and sometimes overwhelming rage I did learn a lot.






Platform shoes are back in. Alert the Lady Spices.
(They're no longer Girls...let's be real.)

 Miley is apparently partying in her grandma's spare room according to that bed spread.

When you are rich and do whatever you please you can roast marshmallows via candelabra.
I personally consider this a fire hazard but what do I know...

You also have a spread of eos chap stick to choose from at all times.
The product placement was odd:


But worked....because now I own some.
Which I guess also makes me skanky...
Dammit Miley 
I also became aware that rich people literally eat money sandwiches stacked with $100 bills.
Benjamins is what the kids call them I believe.
I don't know how hygienic that is or what the overall taste is like because quite frankly it looks really dry.

Men from California's private areas also serve various functions, one of which is a fog machine.

I now believe this gentleman's trade is creating creepy forest scenes in horror movies.
This can be the only explanation.

It is also quite popular to cut off your fingers to reveal your blood is made of purely Pepto Bismol. 
 Sure it's odd but must be pretty sweet when you need relief for that nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea feeling that just creeps up on you.

Maybe she moved to Hollywood to help out Adam Richman during his "Man v. Food" competitions.
Maybe I'm going about this all wrong.
I'm thinking these kids are a bunch of skankfaces when really they could just have unique undervalued talents.
My b.

JK
 I hate them.

I was also alerted of  the LA custom of having a pinata full of pancakes and hot dogs.


Because what's better than a hot dog you eat off the floor?
The answer?
Everything.

It's also still cool to suck your thumb.

I remember a time when animal back packs were in but they were small.
But now they are back and better than ever.
All your friends get them...and you dance with them in a circle.
Because it's cool.
It is also uncool to wear pants around your friends.
Apparently it is a sign of disrespect.
It's all leotards all the time.



They really stress the importance of eating white bread...but even more the rich kids of LA encourage laying your greasy hair all up in a pile of bread on the floor.
Because the carpet infuses the bread with special proteins.
Called bugs.


Miley and I do have one thing in common though....
I also have this same set up in my room.
It's cozy. 

You also walk taxidermy across you living room in a fur coat.
Everyone will then know that you can't stop.
Because you run things.
Things don't run you.
Naturally.  


 I think the most important lesson I learned from this video is that Miley has a tongue and she's not afraid to use it.



 

The worst thing of all?
I like this song.
I'm ashamed and yes hate myself for it.

I just want the best of both worlds you guys.
I want to like it and hate it at the same time.
Now I fully understand the plight of Hannah Montana.
No wonder Miley grew up the way she did.

26 comments:

  1. Now I need to get myself a giant animal backpack.

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  2. Wow. That's the most insane video I've ever seen.

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  3. hahaha!! This is the greatest post ever!!! I'm dying!!!

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  4. Man! what's the story behind this video? This is obviously some kind of huge {bleep} you to somebody...her dad? Society? I'm so curious now. And also, praying my children never lay eyes on this video. Sick.

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  5. Hilarious!! I too enjoy watching skanks in their natural habitat. I consider it a form of educational programing! I learn so much that means so little but I just can't stop learning!

    Lady spices! Grandma's spare room! Taxidermy! This is so funny I might just read it again!

    Oh and her tongue is super creepy.

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  6. I'm sure all the non-hater (Miley-ites?) would say that her video is full of symbolism and mythological references...but those are probably the same kids who fail English because they still don't understand the meaning of the "eggs" and "eyes" symbols in The Great Gatsby. (No shame if you don't, just don't try to play off trash as deep philosophical aesthetic art.) I am not a fan. Awesome review of the video, though!

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  7. That video is what I like to call "This is your brain on drugs." Seriously, though. That's what the thumb-sucking is all about. And the white-bread munchies. And P.S. no, I don't want to see Miley dry-humping her grandma's bed because EW.

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  8. My biggest question is "Is this Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana?" Afterall, Miley is a brunette and Hannah is blonde.

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  9. OMG! I happened to catch a glimpse of this video on MTV the other morning and was horrified yet transfixed. I immediately thought that if anyone could do a recap of the video it would be you.....and you definitely delivered another amazing run down! Thank you for bringing laughter and tears of joy into my boring work life. I hope no one blocks your blog....because life would suck!

    PS I don't have a fun profile to choose so I will stay anonymous!

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  10. This video is basically just like a really long and equally bad vine post by a rich, drunk 20 year old. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've seen a few vines of people rolling around on heirloom quilts in spandex.

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  11. Um,k....where's this weeks bacholerette recap already? I know this season s-to-the-ucks, but I can only plug through with recaps from you. Don't make me give up. Don't.

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  12. interesting, and I believe relevant. You're onto something, Jonesy...with that last line "I just want the best of both worlds you guys. I want to like it and hate it at the same time."

    Try this out:

    http://hellogiggles.com/how-our-attention-spans-have-failed-amanda-bynes

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  13. please please please watch the directors cut on you tube.... more good stuff.

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    ReplyDelete