I think this is a little crazy but I have legit blog guilt for not recapping this week.
I don't think anyone was truly worried/devastated/noticed/cared that there was no recap last week and that is totally fine.
However, I promise that although I would rather watch Chris Harrison burp the ABC's on loop for an hour, I'm still on board for this (sucky) journey.
(I felt the metaphor was necessary.)
I did watch last week and honestly it was way past time for Michael G. to go.
He was truly the pits.
When you're first one on one date is 11 years into the season you should probably take the hint that she's just not that into you bro.
Let's get going on this week shall we?
Normally I love home towns.
This season, I thought that Des spent very little time with the actual families and way more time on the individual dates.
It's probably because Des can't fill time making out with them...
So they cut it short.
The first date was with Zak.
Since his date in Spain with Des, the boy can't stop drawing.
He's gotten pretty good.
We are given no indication as to what he was drawing or why because Des shows up and he starts talking to her about how crazy scary his sister is.
Then Zak describes a dream he had (after eating bath salts) where they were melting and then find ice and there's a lot of kids.
|He's going to eat my face...|
Turns out this was a really complicated explanation of them riding around in the family's snow cone truck.
Were we made aware of this business?
Because she acted like it was NBD but I was truly shocked.
They served cones to what looked like a rabid pack of six year olds.
|No seriously. Gimme.|
Naturally Des let's us know that being in the snow cone truck brings her back to her child hood.
Because she lived in one for about 2-3 months.
That was mean.
To make up for it here's Zak as a penguin.
We then meet Zak's family and they are super nice and normal.
However, I need his brother to hang out a little more because he is really precious.
To end the date on a truly mortifying note all of Zak's family sang Des a song while his mom hyped up the lyrics in her ear.
I obviously melted into my chair.
Not from the sweetness of the moment but because aint no one evvvvvvvver singing in my face.
At the end of the night he gives her a promise ring and asks her to keep it.
This is important to remember so keep it in the back of your mind.
Then she peaces out.
Next we are delighted to see Drew in what seems to be an old timey Western themed shopping center.
He held her like that for quite a long period of time.
The idea of a man lifting me at an angle where all of my chins would be pronounced and prevalent is not my jam.
That being said, no man will ever lift me.
I've come to terms with it.
Drew takes Des to meet his sister Melissa who is perfect.
She's so sweet and loves her brother and I was weeping.
She loved Des's hair which I can respect.
Everyone appreciates a good weave.
Drew let Des know that this would be the first time that his dad would be in his mom's house since the divorce but everything would be ok.
Uh understatement of the year.
Drew's dad is literally the muffin to top all muffins.
Drew's dad is literally the muffin to top all muffins.
He asked Des if she believed in angels and if she had ever met one.
Des said she did and hadn't met one.
Drew's dad said, "Yes you have. You've met Melissa."
It was so sweet.
Literal tears came out of my face.
Does anyone know if his dad is single?
Is he on that old person dating site "Our Time"?
Can I sign up?
Because I will.
Drew told Des he loves her and wants to start his life with her.
Then he told the camera that the next time his family sees him he will be engaged.
I don't know if he thinks he's going to be engaged in a conversation but I can tell you he ain't gonna be engaged to Des.
Because Chris is better.
Yeah that's right.
I'm team Chris.
(I still love you Brooks. Call me.)
We see Chris wearing plaid looking straight up precious waiting for Des on a hill.
He then gives her flowers he picked.
|Way to ruin it Des.|
They go to the baseball diamond to play and Des is pretty good.
I think my favorite part of that date was just watching Chris play.
He's a babe.
I can't help it.
If he's not picked I want him to be the next Bachelor so bad.
I may loot a grocery store if he's not picked.
That's not true.
But I will put something where it doesn't belong.
That'll teach ABC to mess with me.
Anyway Des drew him pictures?
I don't know why.
Isn't she a designer?
As in drawing is her job?
Shouldn't it be a little better?
Then they kiss
and I put a hex on Des because she shouldn't be kissin' all up on him like that.
They go to Chris's parents house which oddly doubles as his dad's chiropractic office that's in the basement....
We'll get to that later.
Chris's dad gives a blessing
that sounded like the, "they don't know that we know that they know" situation from "Friends."
But everyone went with it.
Des mentioned she tweaked her back and immediately
Dr. Frankenstein his dad brings her down to his secret lab family practice.
She thought it was weird to get her back adjusted but honestly it looked pretty cool.
My main concern would be a normal patient arriving to an older man's home/basement office.
Does insurance cover kidnapping a la chiropractor?
Check your benefits people.
While Des was getting a rub down, upstairs Chris's sister was letting him know that everyone hated his last girlfriend.
Like really hate her.
Even grandma hated her.
From the beginning.
She really hammered it home.
This leads me to believe his ex girlfriend is a combination of Ke$ha/Ursula from the Little Mermaid/ Tierra/ with a splash of Lindsay Lohan.
However, they did like Des.
What a relief.
Also a relief, a balloon up your nose.
|A man who can show a strong booger game on television is alright with me.|
Finally we met Brooks in Salt Lake.
He is really precious and although I still love him I think that he needs to get his act together.
He's being kind of a baby about his feelings for Des.
Sometimes he knows.
Then he doesn't.
Then he does.
Don't worry, to help him along in the process Des writes him a list of all of the things they've done.
She says that she loves that they can finish each other's (long pause)
Brooks recognizing that it's his cue, says "sentences"
She was looking for sandwiches but she let's it ride.
They go on a canoe ride.
Take on water in their canoe.
Don't get a drop of water on them.
Walk to Brook's parents house.
We then meet his 1,000 siblings.
They all have name tags and are really fun sweet people.
They were my favorite family because they were so friendly and nice.
Brooks whispers to everyone how he's trying to figure it all out.
He also tells us that he just really needs "mother's" approval.
At one point I said out loud, "Stop calling her mother so much...it's creepy."
Then high fived the air for my awesome joke, because I was watching it alone.
"Mother" ultimately approved and that meant that Brooks could carry on.
He didn't tell her that he loved her but Des said "she knew" how he felt.
Because that's still what it looked like when she left.
But what do I know?
Then with no real build up or explanation Des's brother is brought to some random hotel to talk about his behavior last season with Sean.
He tells her he wants to get into the guys' heads and see what they're all about.
She says no.
He says he'll behave.
I hope he doesn't.
Before the rose ceremony Chris Harrison brings up the "promise hope ring" that Zak gave to Desiree.
19 seasons and "promise hope ring" is what we're sticking with?
Des brushes it off and says someone is not expecting to go home.
It's the final four.
Everyone thinks they're it.
In the end it was Zak that was sent home.
At first he took it really well.
Then Des gave him his ring back.
Which was a game changer.
He left in the limo.
Then the best thing to happen all season happened.
You see the limo put on its turn signal and pull up to the curb.
Zak rolls down the window and THROWS OUT THE RING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|F@#K YOU RING|
GENIUS I TELL YOU.
The evil cackle that came out of my body when that happened was filled with such joy.
What a cheesy yet amazing way to go out.
I hope everyone throws something out the window from here on out.
I also like how the driver was very respectful to the traffic laws and properly signaled.
Also what was the convo in the limo?
"Excuse me driver. I like this grass so much I need to put a ring on it."
Either way Zak made my season.
Which is almost over!
Which is almost over!
It looks like drama happens in 2 weeks during the finale.
Who knows what it could be but unless one of them gets eaten by a shark on camera I don't see how I could be shocked.
We've almost made it folks.