Sep 2, 2013

Barf City Population Me...

I've opened up on the blog before about being a garbage disposal.
I've confessed how much I hate exercise.
And it's been kind of a huge relief to type it out into the universe.
So, I'm here to do it again.


To be honest I've been a little absent from the blog world because I've been in a funk lately.

Since middle school I have been kind of an anxious monster.

Natalie Dee once did a cartoon that pretty much sums it up:
It's like she knows me...

I promise I'm not going to give a sob story about a terrible life.
In fact I've got a pretty great one.
I have an awesome family, great friends, a sweet job, and a drawer full of hoodies.
The only thing really missing in my life is a dude to hold hands with and a puppy.

But still I find myself sitting on the couch sometimes willing myself to get up and go get paper towels from Target instead of continuing to use my t-shirt as the alternative.

I still have weird panic attacks that I'm a truly terrible human being and that Barb & Tim have my friends on a payment plan to keep them around.

There are days when I've convinced myself that not hearing from a friend for 6 hours means that they remembered something that I said 8 years ago and it has really thrown them over the edge.
Even if I haven't know them for 8 years...same concern.

I bought a pair of glasses a month ago and was too nervous to wear them out in public because I was afraid I would be accused of eating Zooey Deschanel.
i didn't. 
Who worries for a month about wearing glasses?
Why is that a thing that I thought was normal?
I need glasses to see....but I was more concerned that people would think I looked like a huge hipster nerd...so I didn't.
For.a.month.

It all boils down that shitty thing called self-confidence.

I hate that I feel gross about myself.
I hate that I've said that I was going to sign up for a 10k and don't think I've ran a 1k since I posted about it.

I pin a ton of crap about eating clean but convince myself that just cleaning my hands before I eat should do the trick.

Pinning is the same as doing right?
I don't want to be the girl who cries fat and then does nothing about it.
I don't want to mold to my couch because I'm too unmotivated to karate chop my way out of a bad week day.

I have had a new pair of running shoes that I love sitting in the box because I'm too afraid to get started.
What if I give up again?

What if I'm not wearing a supportive enough sports bra and my boob goes flying and gives an unsuspected bystander a concussion and then I enter into an "Orange is the New Black" situation for carrying a concealed weapon?


If someone takes a picture, on the outside I'm like "haha yeah everlasting memories!!!! wooo."
On the inside I want to grab their cameras a la Kanye West and destroy it so I never have to see what I look like.


So, after wallowing in self pity for the better part of the past 3 weeks I've decided to take it to the blog.
Do I want sympathy?
No.
Do I want compliments?
Nope.

What I want is to put it writing that for once I'm going to give myself a solid shot.

I have to prove to myself...and only myself that I am capable of making a change that is healthy for me.

So instead of promising some lofty exercise goal that may or may not happen...I'm going to promise myself this:
I will no longer talk about myself like I'm some big dumb ape.

Hating & doubting myself is what got me into this mess to begin with...add a dash of anxiety and blammo:
Barf city. Population me.

I don't know when I'll feel like I look like the best version of myself.
Maybe I never will.
But I do want to feel like I am the best version of myself.


I don't need to be the butt of my own jokes when it comes to my weight.
My weight isn't what defines me...or my humor.
So I'm done being a hater of myself.

Miley Cyrus...you're not safe.
Celebrities and reality show contestants: you're not either.

You've been warned.


33 comments:

  1. i love this!
    such a good reminder for anyone.
    it is far too easy to criticize ourselves, and it gets absolutely exhausting!
    you go, jones!

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  2. Oh my gosh, the boob cracked me up. I think the galsses thing is normal, or at least normal to me, which could mean we're both equally insane. I love that you're trying to motivate yourself, and I've said it before but I'll be your biggest cheerleader!! Something that helps me is just really taking it one day at a time, you know like a recovering addict. Because food is addicting. So everyday, you tell yourself that you're going to eat healthy food/smaller portions/more veggies/less carbs/ go for a walk...whatever is the goal. And you only have to do it for ONE day!

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  4. Since we are basically the same person, I feel like I can say this. Losing weight doesn't magically fix these problems. I thought it would, BELIEVE ME I thought it would, but it didn't. I still experience a lot of the same anxiety it's just that my pants are smaller than they used to be. Remember to take care of your mental health too! That's just as important.

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  5. This made me laugh and made me not feel so alone anymore and broke my heart at the same time. Broke my heart not in the sense that I am pitying you, but that I am just so sad that so many of us are caught up in these self-hate / shame spirals (a la Clueless). I have literally been having panic attacks because I have been dwelling so much on my imperfections and what other people are thinking of me. Worrying and fearing all the time. It breaks me. But I am making promises to myself, like you. And I am thankful that there are some others out there fighting the good fight to make good changes with me at the same time.

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  6. And I agree with what Emily said, too. I have started to realize that I tend to think if I could just get this one area under "control" (as I perceive it), then it would fix the problem. In reality, the problem is some other glob of goo that morphs into a new shape and starts puking out on some other plane of my existence. I don't even KNOW where that metaphor is going, but in other words, the problem isn't the flaw in me, always. Sometimes it's how I respond to / think about / choose to deal with the flaw.

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  7. Oh, Ashley. Thank you for your honesty. I want to give you a big hug because, like Sydney commented, this breaks my heart. Not in not a "pity" way at all but an "I feel you" kind of way.

    I, too, have taken a blogging hiatus because, well... for lack of a much better word... I'm feeling blue and completely unmotivated. I've always struggled believing that I'm loved or even liked. If a friend doesn't text me for a day I think I must've done something that annoyed them the last time we talked and they probably don't actually like me after all so I should just watch TV instead of talking to someone ever again.

    Anyway, I meant for this comment to be encouraging but, obviously, it's not. Sorry about that. I guess just know that you're not alone, you're not crazy, and even if you don't run at all there are people who care about you - even people who have never met you (so how could I be on Barb and Tim's payroll?!) because you are kind, hilarious, and beautiful. And you look adorable in those glasses.

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  8. Jones, I admire you so much for writing this. I know what it's like to hate your appearance because I have felt that until recently. And I know anxiety is painful, too. I've felt shame over a public failure. My reaction was to isolate myself and withdraw, but now I wish I could go back and react differently (since I miss the friends whom I couldn't face). Our saving grace is that we have people who love us anyway. Your amazing sense of humor and positivity are also great strengths. Keep us posted on how you're feeling!

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  9. I don't have any words of wisdom, just some support because we ALL feel the way you do at some point. Most of us aren't honest enough to blurt it out for the whole internets to see. I do have some tips for living, though. When I feel down I pretend I'm a different person...someone I would admire, or want to be, (in my case Katherine Hepburn). And I walk...just a block, or a mile, or however far I feel like walking that day. Then I feel like I DID something. Hang in there!

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  10. Ashley, I only know you through your hilarious blog, and I know you aren't looking for compliments, but I have to tell you that you're beautiful, clever, and you deserve to feel great about yourself, content, and self-assured. I've been a personal trainer/weight loss specialist for over 6 years and your story is so familiar. Being open about it is a huge achievement. I know what a struggle it is- I've been there, still am in some ways. I wrote a blog post a couple years ago about my weight loss attempts, on the lighter side.

    http://merelythoughts.wordpress.com/2010/11/10/6/

    Giving up happens to everyone- doesn't mean you're a failure, just means you haven't found the thing that works yet. You will. Those glasses are hot, wear them!

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  11. Go Jonesy. I know you can do it. If I had a dollar for every time I said I was going to eat nothing but healthy food for a whole day and ended up eating Kraft Mac n Cheese by 10 in the morning, I would have approximately $1,794 dollars. I also get super anxious about what others think of me and the dumb things I say/do. I haven't been blogging as openly as I used to and it kinda sucks. So thanks for the motivational post. I'm going to stop caring what others think and try not to be too hard on myself.

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  12. Hi, I'm one of those blog creepers who reads your blog but never comments. I hate those people, but I totally am one. After reading this, I just felt like responding to your thoughts. First off, you're not alone! I think we all deal with those stupid self-confidence issues and beat ourselves up over retarded stuff instead of noticing the things that are amazing about us. I've absolutely loved reading your posts and they CRACK ME UP every time. I wish we lived close enough to be friends because I think we would be! Thanks for being brave and posting your insecurities because many of us can relate. I hope you're able to beat some of that crap and recognize yourself for the awesome woman you are! :)

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  13. Also a blog creeper, here. This post is what a lot of my drafts look like for my blog. Weigh is such a super super touchy issue for me that I tend to make lofty goals only to give up the second I choose a soda over a water..anxiety and self confidence are two things I haven't had, seen, or visited with even recently. I love your take on starting new, I will be remind myself that it is about lifting your self worth up and not crawling back into that despair because WHO BROUGHT CAKE TO WORK!?!?IM ON A DIET!YOU DID THIS BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SEE ME FAILLLLLL?!? I think your blog is great, you are witty, smart and pretty once you realize that I am sure your confidence will fall into place and you will be more comfortable with your anxieties, because Anxious girls are where it's at!! Amiright?!? :)

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    1. So many mistakes in my above comment!! Stupid phone, bring on the anxiety attack that my comment looks dumbbbbb ughhhh

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