How I Plan To Make 2014 Lucrative...

Lately I've been thinking of ways to make 2014 a lucrative year. 
Naturally I look to see which friends have talents that I can exploit be the hype man for.

Many of you have heard about Steve. 
Fashion: He's good at it.

He's my best frang. 
The friendship is literally oozing out of his eyes. 

If you ever see us together we act like a bunch of dummies. 
For many, it is a painful experience. 
We usually sit around and yell at each other about who is more stupid. 
We're like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. 

Steve has a huge mouth. 
Not in that he gossips a lot. 
In that he can fit a lot of food in his pie hole. 
Like a ton. 

In fact it has become one of my favorite games as of late to see just how much food he can eat at once. 
So in an effort to get him on some reality show where I can repeat every other word he says/ carrying his umbrella for him (although I'm way shorter so really it'd be more for me then him at that point)/ reap benefits he receives for his talents, I've taken his show on the road. 

For instance, to pass time while visiting a close buddy in the hospital I asked if Steve could fit a whole dinner roll in his mouth:

Piece of cake....(see what I did there?)

So we upped the challenge a little bit to see if he could fit a whole icing filled donut in his mouth. 
(Warning: We curse.)

Not a big deal at all. 

Then one day, my RAs Sam was having a rough week.
I asked him what he wanted to make him feel better, and he said, "I wanna see Steve shove food in his mouth." 
Fair enough. 
So he took on the biggest challenge yet. 

A coffee roll from 7-11. 
Check it. 

Steve made it look so easy that I decided to take my friend Sara up on her challenge of eating a donut at one time...despite the constant ridicule that my mouth is the size of a bird's. 

To be clear I did this in Penn Station in NYC. 
I regret nothing.

So. Now you're sufficiently grossed out. 
I'll never get a boyfriend. 
And you'll tell all your friends about my circus freak best friend and get him competitive eating gigs so I can pocket some cash and buy more donuts. 
For me. 
Not for him. 
Donuts don't grow on trees son. 


  1. Oh donuts.
    You never fail me.
    Except sometimes.

    Manda from Eat Cake

  2. From one Ashley to another this is the funniest ish I've read for a long time. Can we be friends?! Also Steve. Steve be single? Jk .............................?

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