Jan 8, 2014

Bachelor's Back! Alright!

I sang that title a la Backstreet Boys pretty much all day yesterday. 

You know what else I did? 
Kicked things like a soccer ball while yelling "Juan Pablo!" 

Everyone around me realllly appreciated it. 

Let me start off by saying, I never know how much I miss this stupid show until it starts again. 
I can say with 100% confidence that I am all in on Juan Pab. 
He's a babe. 

I don't know if y'all noticed it but he was literally getting hotter with each commercial break. 
At times I had to shield my eyes from the beauty.
Heaven help America if I ran on the beach in just a bra and shorts.
JK I just stared and drooled.

Although it was quite the surprise on the "Bachelorette" that he had a daughter, we have been made well aware of Camilla and her preciousness. 

They wanted us to know that they were looking for love as a family. 
You know they're for serious because of all the hearts they drew...uncoached...
"WHAT DO WE WANT?"

LOVE!

"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!"NOW!"
Juan Pablo's parents are shown moving into the house with Camilla which is pretty cute. 
She seems like a firecracker and to be honest....I want to see her get "Parent Trap" on some of these women. 
But it's only the first episode. 
There's still time C-Money...there's still time. 

Before the craziness begins my original boo thing Sean arrives to:

Be adorable and swing with baby C.
 Wear man-pris (man capris)
and give J. Pab some advice about the upcoming season. 

He said that Catherine wasn't on his radar until a couple weeks in and then called her his wife. 
So naturally I wept and then yelled at the TV, "I WOULD HAVE WASHED YOUR DOGS WITH YOU AT 2AM AFTER A SKUNK ATTACK SEAN."

So obviously I'm in a good place. 

J. Pab mentioned that he was terrible with names and was really nervous obviously setting my own anxiety level at an all time high because forgetting someone's name is a huge logical fear of mine. 

After Sean and J Pab finish being bro babes it's time to meet some of the girls. 

This bunch...

Y'all...
It's gonna be a goodie. 

As per usual I don't really know anyone's names yet. 
It's too soon. 
I get too attached. 
We know the drill. 
So I'll do my best. 

Girl hiding in a field aka Chelsea? 
The only thing I remember about her was that she tried to learn the Spanish word for love and it made me irritable.
Later she tried to do "a science experiment" with JP and then just demanded they have chemistry. 
Perhaps I am a jaded hag when it comes to this show...but c'mon lady...that's lame. 

Next was Roller Mom
She seemed nice enough. I predict she sticks around for awhile. 
Although I enjoy her, she did refer to Juan Pablo as "papi." 
Strike One.
There were many moments tonight that made me laugh out loud but none as much as the "court scene" for Andi's introduction. 

First she proclaims that she is the Assistant District Attorney. 
Then we see her in "court" "prosecuting" a "case." 
Let's break down this scene shall we?

 There is no one in the courtroom. 
The defendant is wearing a t-shirt.
 Then the defendant is gone altogether.
Cut to the judge:
 Also there's no court stenographer...
 Elle Woods continues to prosecute and the defendant is back and everyone looks like they want to die.
 Case dismissed.

How do they go about filming these intros? 
I mean that one was particularly cheesy but what do they yell at them? 

"Look dead behind the eyes and look in the distance!" 
"Walk through this grassy knoll barefooted and look charming"
"Lean against that wall alone while a sad story about your Nana plays on b-roll."

To be clear I love every minute of it but it was a little extra special last night.

Then we meet Carly Rae Jepsen....or Amy? 
I don't know either way she is TERRIFYING.

She's a massage therapist who just wants, and I quote, "a man who wants o be rubbed," by her.
 They show her "doing her craft" and I gotta say she is the most suggestive massage therapist I have ever seen. 

 I believe she gives people the rub down with "She's My Cherry Pie" or "Bump n' Grind" playing in the background instead of pan-flutes and babbling brooks.
(aw Brookes...RIP)

Then she did an airplane food thing... I don't know but...she's a bunny boiler and I'm concerned for all people that cross her path.


There was Nikki the nurse who seemed friendly.
She too, was asked to walk down a grassy field which seem to be plentiful in all of these women's hometowns. 

If they were filming this in my hometown I'd walk down a street with a CVS and a restaurant called Honey Pig.  
(That is 100% fact btw.)

Then we're introduced to Lauren. 
Lauren met a man a little over a year ago and got engaged to him. 
Six weeks later her broke up with her over the phone when she was at work.
You know what's a really great move after you've been dumped like that?
Go on a dating show on national television, and then take out your dress and ring to show just how over it you are. 
 Another awesome idea: take that same girl to a lake overlooking a wedding. 
She continually repeated that she wasn't broken and totally open to this experience. 
Right away we all knew she was stable. 

Lastly we're introduced to this broad:

Her dad died, and before he did he left a DVD to her future husband. 
Now I guarentee that I would weep like a baby if my dad ever did that for me. 
However, I feel like they mentioned this simply because she's going to whip that bad boy out on their second group date and it's going to be a showwwww.
I'm holding out hope she doesn't exploit that but I have a feeling she will. 
I mainly get that inkling because of how she introduced herself to J Pab...but we'll get to that.

 Finally we are at the mansion and are greeted by the ever bubbly Chris Harrison. 
He lets Juan Pablo know that due to the increase in audition tapes they upped the ante and increased the number of girls from 25 to ....wait for it........27. 
Yep. Two more girls. 
Because that's the budget they had. 

The introductions start and the first limo pulls up. 
It sounds like there is a lot of screaming going on in there which leads me to believe gaggles of women drenched in perfume ride around in circles in the driveway while they pile out 1 by 1 to meet him. 
I'd rather ride around in a lunch truck for 10 hours but whatever...we all make sacrifices for love. 

 The first few girls were forgettable. 
Then Lucy...the damn hippie... comes in. 
She claims her profession is "free spirit"
No girl your profession is that you watched two seasons of "Girls" and think you're Jessa.
This makes me hate you.

My second favorite moment of the night was when you hear a piano of in the distance then it stops. 
Then it starts playing again....and then stops.
Soon we see a girl PUSHING A PIANO ON A BIKE TOWARDS JUAN PABLO JUST LIKE THE VANESSA CARLTON VIDEO.
"makin' m' way downt-....crap"
 "makin' m' way downtown ....f...what the hell.."
 "Makin my way downtown, walkin fast...dammit is this driveway cobble stone?! Why didn't anyone tell me!?"
 "Play it cool...Like Vanessa would do..."

My internet bff Allie and I were clearly on the same wave length:


Other girls show up...none really stand out.
Then Clare returns. 

 And she's pregnant.

Y'all. 
Remember when we thought a wedding dress was bad? 
I wanted nothing more than for her to push that lump out and for it to be a soccer ball. 
But she didn't. 
She just wanted to show him that she was ready to be apart of a family and add to his. 

You know how else you can let someone know?
By telling them ...with words. 
Not a creepy fake belly. 
If this is why I'm single I am fully ok with it.


I blacked out after she said it so I can't remember who, but some girl offered him Tylenol from Cupid's Pharmacy. 

Kelly is (unemployed) a dog lover who brought her cocker spaniel Molly. 
So...that was a thing.

Sharleen, the robot from Canada shows up. 
I don't hate her. 
I don't love her either. 
I'll get there in a minute.

They walk into the house...they have a dance party and a photo booth. 
Basically my two favorite things on earth. 

It's all fun and games until people start marking their territory (no pun intended Molly) and vying to get juan on juan time with Juan Pab.
(I LOVE THE PUNS...I CAN'T HELP IT. I REGRET NOTHING)

Lucy demands attention and puts her dirty troll feet on Juan Pablo. 
So I continue hating her for life.


 Carly Rae Massage Therapist attempts to give a rub down to J. Pab and he is clearly uncomfortable.



Slowly but surely Lauren, the broken bride, starts crumbling. 
She doesn't want what happened to her to define who she is but guess what, girl that's how you introduced yourself to the world...soooooo the cat is out of the bag.


Although she claims she's ok and "over it" and "ready to move on" to some girl she's never met on the couch, who is also trying to date the same dude, it becomes clear that Lauren H. may not be with us for very long. 


We are finally shown who gets the first impression rose, and it is Sharleen. 
The girl dropped the word "weiner" gracefully on her 1:1 time with Juan Pablo. 
She deserved it. 
However she was super hesitant to accept it which is odd. 
Most girls would throw their moms in front of a train for that rose. 

She kept saying she thought there would be a spark due to all the build up of the event but she was cautious about everything. 
I don't enjoy how robotic she was, or that she said "sure" when she was offered the rose, OR how she kept calling him "sir" but I do think she's partially normal enough to make it far. 

During the rose ceremony 2 fantastic things happened. 

1. A girl, Kylie, started going towards Juan Pablo after he called the name, "Cat." 
Hilarity and mortification ensued when she realized her name would never be called. 

2. Molly waited to patiently to accept her place in Juan Pablo's heart.
 
Part of me wanted her to get a separate rose so that all the girls could say "Can you believe that bitch got picked" but it didn't happen. 
Missed opportunity ABC. 
Missed opportunity. 


I gotta say, I'm pretty pumped for this season. 
I can't wait for whatever girl is weeping in that bathroom from the previews. 
My money is on that gross hippie. 

What were your thoughts? 
How many names do you think he's going to forget?
Any favs so far? 
Lemme know, and thank you for coming on this journey with me. 
God...it's going to be four months of that phrase. 
Just like riding a bike...you never forget it. 


(all images are from abc.com)




19 comments:

  1. Your recaps are waaaay better than the show. Why oh why did Lucy not get kicked off right away? I'm routing for the blond pediatric nurse (whatever her name is?)

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  2. I think I'm more excited that your bachelor recaps are back than I am about the show itself (and i'm preeeeetty excited about the show...). I laugh outloud every single time.

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  3. I agree with the above. I was rooting for Lucy to go home. I'm extremely disappointed and hope her rose was conditional on her wearing shoes from now on. I really liked the southern girl Maggie who brought him the fish hook (albeit weird) but she didn't get chosen so now I'm all Mom on skates FTW!

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  4. Sharleen is my girl. She was so cold, it was brutal, except that JP didn't pick up on any of it. "Oh, she didn't know what to say, it was such a special moment". Also, what is she?? I think its a sexy smoothie of Asian, Black and White. with Canadian flair. Plus the name is too funny. I'm holding out hope for Bachelorette Sharleen, she wouldn't deal with anyone's shit.

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  5. I was amused by the fact that Juan Pablo seemed oblivious to the true reason that Sharleen was so nonplussed by receiving the first-impression rose. "Special moment"? Huh. More like, "Girl doesn't feel anything yet, dude." Which seems IMPOSSIBLE, because *I* can feel things for him THOUGH THE TV SCREEN.

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  6. First time reading your blog and I'm sold just based off of that Bachelor recap. Please do one every week!

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  7. I don't even watch the show but as is the case with the last two season of The Bachelor, I come here every week for a recap. You're that good. Cheers!

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  8. Yesssss! You are going to do the recaps this season! You are hilarious!!

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  9. Does the hippie not remind you of Courtney from Ben's season? She'll be here for a while. Predictions: she is the lady that is nighttime swimming with JP that we caught a glimpse from in the previews. And they are skinny dipping as she knows this is the the key to any bachelor's heart.

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  10. "She claims her profession is "free spirit"
    No girl your profession is that you watched two seasons of "Girls" and think you're Jessa.
    This makes me hate you." #truth

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  11. God I'm glad this show is back and I sooooo look forward to your recaps!!!!

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  12. I'm so glad Grace from Canp Patten sent me to your blog. Best recap I've ever read. Great job- you had me scrolling so fast to keep reading! Please do one every week :)

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  13. I've never seen this show, but you crack me up. And now I must watch this show !!

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  14. I now look forward to when the Bachelor is in season; not because I watch, but because I love your recaps!

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  15. I gotta say I realllly enjoy your blog, and I am happy there will be more to read now that The Bachelor is back on!
    The Hippie will be entertainment, and the way they set the nurse intro up makes it seem like she will be around for awhile...maybe to the end. It makes me wonder how many of the past winners had an intro like that in the beginning.

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  16. First time I've ever watched the Bachelor and I thought to myself "I wonder if Ashley will post..." makes it all worth it.

    PS hippie girl is TOTALLY the bathroom girl. I hope/don't hope/kinda hope she curses him

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  17. The only thing more wonderful than the return of The Bachelor is the return of your recaps - HILARIOUS! First things first, you're genius - why, oh why didn't Clare use a soccer ball? That would have been perfect and adorable instead of just gimmicky. Also, can't stand the hippie chick. I have an inkling she is the nasty bathroom girl and I can't wait. So far not a fan of the opera singer. At first I thought she was just a bit socially awkward, but the rose incident made me feel like she was a snob/rude. Anyway, I love him and one of those chicks better be nice to him and not crazy. So far I'm leaning towards the A girls - Andi and Alli?

    Oooh, and did you see this? http://www.entertainmentwise.com/news/137496/Bachelor-Juan-Pablos-Cast-Off-Kylie-Lewis-Says-Producers-Set-Her-Up Whatever Kylie. Whatev.

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