Jan 29, 2014

Seoul Mates (Barf)

I think Sean and Catherine ruined me. 
After watching their wedding and realizing that I haven't loved a Bachelor couple as much before or after them, I think that every season is just filling a void of their weirdo love.
Sure, if I heard "grown sexy" one more time during the special I was going to have a "Bridezilla" moment of my own. 
And yeah, I thought it was hella weird that we were constantly shown the honeymoon suite like we were going to watch them get it on.
But holy crap, those two freaks love each other in the cutest way and I thought it was so sweet.
I didn't even get grossed out when they wrote their own vows. 
Sean weeping didn't even give me the creeps like most male tears do.
Growth y'all. 
I want them to have their own reality show.

Watching their wedding and remembering how cute they were made me hate everything about this new season. 

We're at week 4 and while I was at one time super excited about Juan Pablo, I feel like I know the same amount about him after a moth. 
He has a kid.
She is important.
He played soccer.
He has abs.
End of list.
 He's kind of a snooze.

Let's move on. 

This week starts with Chris Harrison telling the women they are going to South Korea. 
At that point I had to phone-a-friend to confirm which Korea was forbidden to travel to based on Kim Jong-Un.
What I'm telling you is that my mom has me repeat this a lot:

 The women seemed thrilled they were going to Seoul.

Clare started crying and worriedly exclaimed that she "didn't have a kimono." 
Come on Clare. Be on top of you game. 
First rule of Bachelor club is that you bring clothing for all cultures, climates, and wet t-shirt contests. 
Rookie mistake.
Clare.

Once the women arrive and see their new digs, the first date card arrives and it's a group occasion.
Nikki starts Complain-o-rama 2014 by saying that she doesn't thrive in a group setting and really wants 1:1 time with Juan Pablo.
She is less than thrilled when her name is called yet again for an 8:1.

The women and JP meet K-Pop sensation 2entyOne.
Juan Pablo compared them to the Spice Girls, to which I say, "bite your tongue."
You don't just compare any group of singing broads to the legendary spices. 

Upon meeting them, they seemed pretty cool and to be quite honest I might make their song my ringtone. 
It was catchy.
 The women are told they are going to be dancing with the super group for day. 

Kat takes the whole choreography very seriously and naturally everyone hates her.
 She lets it be known that she knows that we know that she knows the best dancer.
 Her moves weren't very K-Pop, however I now know that if "Pour Some Sugar On Me" came on at a bar she'd open every Splenda, Equal, Sweet & Low, RAW sugar packet she could find to throw up in the air and subsequently roll around in like a bad 80s video.

What I'm saying is I think her dance experience helped her pay her way through college.
She probably didn't have tap shoes...just clear heels if you catch my drift. 
Stripper, I'm saying she dancing like a stripper. 

Everyone was embracing the date, especially Chelsie who claimed that she dreamed of being a back up dancer as a child. 
You heard that right....a back up dancer...
She reaches for the stars...I admire her for it. 
 Meanwhile Nikki complained, complained, and complained some more about how miserable she was.
 She said that on the outside she was trying not to pout and throw a fit, but on the inside felt like this:

Nikki also let us know that she wasn't used to being in this kind of environment. 
She doesn't have sisters back home that force her to share things...like her boyfriend. 
Sisters sharing a boyfriend are generally called sister wives, and there's already a show for that. 

After rehearsing, 2entyOne let's the girls and JP know that they are going to be performing with them that night.
Nikki hopes that they're going to be performing for the South Korean School of the Blind. 
Really the optimism and positivity that was oozing out of her at that point made me feel really comfortable about her bedside manner with children. 

Of course after hearing that they are going to be on stage in front of thousands of people, they needed to dress appropriately. 




By the time they reach the mall, Nikki has complained about her terrible luck for too long. 
We get it girl, you hate dancing, fun, and people. 
Noted. 
Hopefully Juan Pablo takes you on a 1:1 date to the town where "Footloose" is based. 

After the concert, the women gather around Juan Pablo at an outdoor location. 
Kat immediately pulls JP aside because they haven't really gotten a chance to talk, and although I was taken aback at first I remembered that their 1:1 date consisted of running a 5k. 
If they run anything like me, it would have consisted of zero percent coherent sentences and 100% crying and sweating. 
Kat tells him that she's not just the fun girl with fun dance moves. 
She comes from a broken home, with a dad who has 7 DUIs.
Juan Pablo's response?
"That must have been hard for your dad."
Nailed it. 
She went on to talk more about herself, and to be honest, I blacked out because it was so boring. 

Back at the Cornucopia, Nikki is bitchin' about Kat and how over the top she is. 
In her best impression, she shimmies and yells, "WHO WANTS SOME GUACAMOLE?"
My initial reaction: "Wait...there's guacamole?"

Elise tries her best to make Juan Pablo see that she's mother material. 
Nikki then gets pulled by JP to talk and ends up getting the rose.
I don't think she is as bad as women in the past like Tierra or Courtney, but she is so annoying. 
She's also kind of up there on the crazy spectrum with Clare. 
Is it just me or does it seem like she's the kind of girl that reads way too much into a text from her boyfriend that says simply, "K."
 Her reaction is probably something like, "WHO IS SHE? IS SHE PREGNANT? I HATE YOU."
So real stable.
Good for Camila. 
The whole 9. 

The 1:1 date is with Sharleen. 
Fun fact: While live tweeting I typed her name as Sharkleen, and my internet bestie Allie's phone corrects it to Shark Week, and those a beautiful tradition was born:

Tell yo friends. 

According to Chelsie, Sharkleen has said that she is bored by Juan Pablo and their conversations, and that she doesn't like to date people who are extroverts.
Why she sticks around is a mystery to the women, but alas the woman with the most severe eyebrows I've ever seen goes to meet JP in the city. 

They walk around the market...
 Try on clothes....
 For Camila....
 Eat unidentifiable foods....

And go to a tea house. 
Is it just me or does Sharkleen always act surprised when Juan Pablo says something that makes sense?
She talks to him like she's the Miracle Worker and he's Helen Keller and it's really getting irritating. 
She's always clarifying what she means and says, and while it may be out of the goodness of her heart to make sure there isn't a language barrier, it's a little much.

He asks her to sing for him, and all of a sudden she turns into that Kristin Wiig SNL character,

She ends up singing for 3 seconds, and then full of exasperation states that she's never sung for someone so early in a relationship before. 

Thanks for putting yourself out there girlfriend. 
Your courage is inspiring. 

They then had a weird conversation about how many kids Sharkleen wanted. 
Her answer seemed to be zero. 
Juan Pablo interpreted it as "more than the Duggars," and gave her the rose. 

The final date card states that they're going to be Krazy with a K in Korea. 
However it really ended up being Crazy with a C because Clare was on the adventure. 

She is straight up bananas. 
The women notice how possessive and jealous she is early on, and find it annoying how she is constantly seeking JP's attention. 

She made it about herself at every opportunity. 
During the fish pedicure, she was jealous because the fish liked Roller Mom's feet better. 

While out eating octopus, she made it a 5 minute situation, about why she was too scared to try it.




 I hate to say it but the dog lover made a pretty solid comment by saying, it was a small piece,



and that she knew she had swallowed things much bigger. 

Her judgey commentary throughout the day made me kind of fall in love with her. 

In fact her reinactment of the whole "will she/ won't she eat it" with Andi was pretty spot on.





My frang Liz said it best:

In the hotel lobby, Lauren:
WHO ARE YOU?
tries to kiss Juan Pablo who stops her because, breaking news, he has a daughter. 
She's devastated because she knows he's kissed other girls. 
Andi tries to console her and let her know that she's not going to be in the friend zone forever with him and not to read into it. 
I'm sorry but I find that weird advice to give to someone who is trying to also date your dude, but what do I know?
Soon after she gives her wise advice Andi gets to know the basics of Juan Pablo, and also lets him know she likes to sleep in. 
Juan Pablo says it's great that she likes to sleep in and is very impressed by that talent. 
Uh, if sleeping in makes someone girlfriend material, I should have 17-18 boyfriends MINIMUM.
Clare pulls Juan Pablo aside again, and tells him she threw up in her mouth and swallowed it while eating the octopus. 
Juan Pablo finds that to be adorable and naturally kisses her. 
Because nothing says hot! hot! hot! like swallowed barf. 
To recap: 
Asking for a kiss will not get you a kiss. 
Saying you VOMITED in your mouth and swallowed it will all the kisses in the world y'all.
Andi ends up getting the rose and Clare slowly starts to pull out her eye lashes in a fit of fury. 
Here's how the rest of the episode went down:
During the rose ceremony there's some weird understanding that the women with roses will let those without roses spend time with Juan Pablo. 
Naturally Nikki goes against that immediately and steals time with him from Clare. 
Nikki snaps at JP for asking about tension in the house. 
Nikki and Clare fight. 
Pretty lame. 
Rose Ceremony time.
Lauren and Elise get sent home. 
Elise stumbles out in the least pagaenty way possible: 
 I giggle. 
Juan Pablo tells the girls they're going to Vietnam. 
The girls scream. 
I hope they ride elephants. 
End of show. 

I don't know folks. 
My favorite is only my favorite because of her comments and not because of her relationship with Juan Pablo. 
I'm not feeling great about this season's outcome. 
I feel like it's going to be a Jake/Vienna Ben/Courtney situation. 

What about you? 
Who do you have as a fav?

23 comments:

  1. Sharkleen on me when you're not stroOOoooOng and I'll be your friend. I'll help you caaaaaAAaaAAAAry on!

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  2. My fave is roller mom but like you said, it's only because I love her and wish she were MY mom, and not because of her relationship - or lack there of - with JP. I think dramatic Clare and (dare I say) shallow Juan Pab may be perfect for each other. I mean come on...you said you didn't want your daughter to see you kissing 9324527 girls but you "can't resist Clare's lips"??!?!! What I heard was "Camilla. It is not okay to go around kissing a bunch of mediocre boys. Just half a dozen good looking ones."

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  3. Ay yi yi... Sean and Cathy have RUINED ME. 1) I have loved Sean since I met him on Emily's season; 2) Catherine is from Seattle (go Seahawks!); and 3) They are adorable and I genuinely care about their happiness. No other Bachelor "love" story can compare!

    Juan Pablo is so boring! You're right, all we know about him is that he is a hunk who played soccer and has a daughter. I had high hopes for him but I don't really care who he ends up with - I just don't want it to be my favorites (Roller Mom and possibly Dog Lover and Attorney) because they are too good for him. He can have Sharkleeeeeen! It'll never last though.

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  4. Juan Pablo is just a big dummy. Let's all calm down about him being a professional soccer star. He was one step above playing intramural behind Dorrill Dining Hall.

    Sharleen is still my jam, because she figured this out before everyone else. She's trying to make him look better, but it's impossible.

    This season is just pointless. He needs to marry roller mom because she's normal and has a kid. Then get divorced three years later. We've all seen this movie before!

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  5. I really didn't like Kelly, frankly didn't KNOW Kelly, until the reenactment of the octopus... And now, like you, I freaking LOVE her. And I still love Renee....but not for JP. Really hope she can be the next Bachelorette. JP is pretty dumb and boring like Ben was.

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  6. This season is interesting. I still don't know the names of a lot of girls and all the girls that look alike go on the same date together...confusing. Who was Lauren? Why is Danielle still there and how awkward was Elise's exit? Did you see how they all were watching her and waiting for her to get out of the picture?

    Sharkleen....love it! Looks like the drama kicks up a bit more next week.

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  7. Ashley, thanks for the constant laughs!

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  8. Number of times I laughed out loud during this post: 11 (approximation)

    How sad I will be that I no longer get to giggle every time I see the words Forty Fort on my screen: Very.

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  9. I stumbled upon your blog randomly last year and have been an avid follower ever since. You are hilarious. I hope you find someone someday that resembles Sean and Catherine's love for you :) you deserve it

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