Jan 15, 2014

Surprises on Surprises!

Oh Week 2...you crazy crazy b.

Is it just me or did this week's date start immediately?
Everyone knew at promptly 8:00pm that Preggo Clare was getting the first 1:1 date.

All the women are clucking around wondering if Juan Pablo is going to come pick her up for the first date.
Nope she is arriving to their date as a pedestrian ladies. It's a new day in the mansion.

Meanwhile no one is paying attention to Molly who is taking a swim in the pool UNSUPERVISED.


Clare talks about her brave quest as a single woman. 
Y'all she had to make her own meals, go to her job, and do things on her own for YEARS.
Her bravery is only comparable to Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. 

She said she didn't meet guys in bars and "online date." 
The way she said "online date" was essentially the way someone talks about an accidental pregnancy.
Why you gotta hate Clare?

I'm going to preface my summary of this date by saying: Clare is extra and I'm not saying I hate her....but I don't like her.
She reminds me of Ashlee from Sean's season. 
She's already a little too attached.
Her eyes are always a little glassy. 
She cries a lot. 

 It's established pretty early on that Juan Pablo loves surprises. 
Like loves them.
A lot. 

So naturally in order to further prove how much he loves them he blindfolds Clare in front of the whole house of women. 
All the women then say how jealous they are. 
I think some even mentioned wanting to be blindfolded by him. 
So we all know that those ladies are into some weird things and I'm scared for JP.

Of course Clare is overwhelmed with joy and love for "this man" as she rides in the car next to him for the first time ever...blind. 
She literally said, "All I can do is just sit there and smell him..."


..........y'all I can't even. 

Juan Pablo tells us that he thinks she's funny and clever because of her introduction with the fake pregnancy. 
You know what's not gonna be funny?
When she traps you and actually gets pregnant by the end of this season.
But hey...live in the moment. 

Juan Pablo takes Clare to their date a la piggy back ride and reveals that they are in a fake winter wonderland. 
Let me repeat to you where they are:
A fake winter wonderland. 
 I'm not saying that to express my distaste for the date. 
Sledding is fun. 
I live for it. 
I could do without the whole walking up hills part but it's fun.
However,  Clare acts like Juan Pablo brought her to the North Pole to roll around with actual talking penguins and reindeer. 
She keeps saying how "unreal" and "perfect" everything is and screaming, giggling, and fake falling at every chance she can get. 

Clare then tells us she hasn't felt so alive because of a man in a long time. 
Come on. 
Maybe I'm a bitter hag but really?
Alive because of a man?
You've met him twice, you are in fake snow...
If that's all it takes for you to feel full of life I'm sure there is a nice man in Sacramento that could have given you an Icee and taken you on a walk. 

I just think it's funny that they think Juan Pablo planned these dates specifically for them, when you know that once this is all over, they're going to be riding around in his car picking up Camila from day care, who will probably have sticky fingers and smell like peanut butter like all small children do. 

Clare then gives Juan Pablo a weird massage while telling him about her father who died.
I thought Carly Rae Rub Down was bad last week, but I was proven wrong.
"Yeah definitely keep telling me about your dad during this sensual massage."

 She says that she knows her dad would want her to put herself in this position with a guy...in a spa....touching his leg.
During all of this JP seems to give zero f's but listens as she calls herself an ICE QUEEN (get it because of the snow).

Juan Pablo says all women want to be treated like a princess...
If buying me a bag of cheetos and a diet pepsi means I wanna be treated like a princess then yes I guess you are correct Juan P.

He gives her the rose and they kiss.
Barf city.
Clare proclaims that holding that rose means they're married everything to her.
Then another surprise was dropped and music starts playing from the distance.
Everyone's favorite Josh Kardaj;sgpaoidfstanowitz is there to play all the hits.
"I have no idea why I'm here...."
It starts snowing.
Clare says she doesn't know where the snow is coming from.
I yell "A SNOW MACHINE DUMMY!"
I frighten my sleeping dog.
They dance the night away...the end.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, the girls are treated to another 1:1 date card.
They're all speculating who it will be, meanwhile Lucy is in the hot tub, topless, proclaiming that she wants to be on a group date to show her personality.
Because nothing proves who you are as an individual better than when you're on a date with 12 other women.

Kat ends up getting the 1:1.

To be honest, I have no idea who Kat is, but she's pumped that her date card says that Juan Pablo can feel the electricity between them. 
She thinks this means they're going to an exotic location. 
I think this means they're going to fly a kite in a thunderstorm to understand actual electricity with a Ben Franklin impersonator...we all have different expectations. 

The next day Molly is hanging out over the balcony like Blanket Jackson, again, totally unsupervised, when Juan Pablo pulls up to pick up Kat. 
 They arrive at a private jet which screams "exotic locale" to her. 
She then calls JuanPab her Latin lover and I'm officially out. 
Lover is an icky word. 
Don't use it. 
Ever. 
It's not a thing. 

While she is thinking of all the places they're probably going she is promptly disappointed when he gives her neon clothing apparel and changes into a light up track suit. 

 They arrive at the "surprise" location which looks a lot like Rainbow Road from Mario Kart (if anyone is familiar.) 
 As they run down the path of neon lights and trees, I began to assume that the surprise for Kat was that she was on ecstasy, however it turns out they are going to run an electric lights 5k. 

Let that one sink in. 
For their date...
they run a 5k.
If I were Kat I would be wondering, what on God's green earth I did to deserve a date strictly revolved around 3.1 miles of running. 
And not just a jog with the two of them but with thousands and thousands of people.
Literally my worst nightmare.

I would have turned around and walked home. 
Hell I would've ridden on a donkey all the way to Philadelphia if that's what it took. 

What did she do to him?
What could have been so evil?
My mind is blown. 

Anyway, he decides to give her a rose in front of the crowd full of people at a concert. 
My personal hope was that he would throw the rose in the crowd and tell her the only way she was allowed back into the house was if she retrieved it before all the petals fell off. 
A real "Beauty and the Beast" vibe.
Alas he just handed it to her.
Lame. 

The group date was the big shabang and kind of a cluster. 
There are 13 girls...I can't even tell you half of who was there. 
Here's what I know...they show up to a warehouse...and this guy appears:
Yes. His beard is in fact blue. 
And I hate him for it. 

The women find out they are going to be modeling with dogs. 
 It's Britney Spears "Chaotic" for awhile. 

Lucy describes her normal first date the scene well by saying, 
"There was a lot of pooping and a lot of sex."

The dog lover, naturally is on this date, and to be quite honest doesn't impress me with her skills.
She doesn't even really seem to be that pumped to be there. 
Change your profession to "dog liker" honey. 
(I told her.)

A lot of the women have to wear lame things like cones, life guards, etc. 
Elise, the school teacher, is told she is going to be photographed naked. 
She talks to ole' blue beard and he tells her it's for a good cause and to get to strippin'. 
She then switches with Lucy who honestly would rather be naked all the time anyway. 
I hate to admit this but that freak makes me laugh. 
To be clear, I still hate her, but dammit do I giggle.

Elise then realizes she has to wear a fire hydrant instead and is so sad she wasn't allowed to wear a bikini. 

While women were complaining about their outfits I thought to myself, 
"Make me run a 5k on a date, jokes on me.
Make me pose naked on a date, joke is on you."

Andi or as I refer to her, Judge Judy, is also picked to pose nakey and has a fit.
She says that she "throws people in jail every day for a living...this isn't something she does."

I don't know if it's EVERY day Judy but whatever we'll let you have it. 

She then starts crying and JP comes over to tell her he's going to be naked too. 

 The world rejoices.

Apparently Juan Pablo was pissed about this date because he tweeted in oddly capitalized sentences that he was unhappy about how people felt so uncomfortable. 

It seemed a little overkill to me. 
I doubt that had she refused to pose nude, she would have gotten kicked off the show. 
It's not "America's Next Top Model." 

The group goes to the after party at a hotel roof deck and hang out. 
Roller mom (my personal favorite) hangs out with JP and tells him about how she and her son are writing in a journal to each other while she's away. 
She doesn't kiss him and she's kind of adorable about it. 
Currently she is my favorite.

NBA Dancer tells JP she too has a kid. 
He says cool. 
They make out. 

Then the party really gets started when we start realizing Victoria (who?) is wasted. 
When the women confront her, her only response is,
"I jus got herreuh." 

I'm not an expert but I'm pretty sure you can show up to a place drunk. 
That's the word on the street anyway. 
I heard it from a friend. 
Let's breakdown her breakdown shall we?

 At the beginning of the date, she says that the date may be full of horrors.
 She means herself.

Here is when she begins slurring her words:
"Heyyyyyyyygurlhayyyyyyyyy"
Below is when she declares that she's fun sober and people don't understand, and that she's only had one glass of champagne....
 She then asks who's leg she has to hump to get 1:1 time with Juan Pablo.
(For future reference: Probably his.)
 Then she really harps on the fact that she "saved his life doing the hymen maneuver by straddling him during the photo shoot."
 Not much later she states that she would straddle Juan Pablo every day because that's what life is about...straddling people.
(Note to self...straddle more people?)
She bumps and grinds for no one.
 Refuses to let Roller Mom help her
 Tries to escape home via elevator where she is told she can't leave without shoes & a flight. 
(Who knew producers had such strict rules?)
She yells at Elan the producer.
 Locks herself back in her new studio apartment
 Juan Pablo asks if she wants him to wait for her?
I whisper, "wait for me Juan Pablo."
No response.
He leaves both of us.
 End scene.
Honestly I was surprised it wasn't the free spirit causing the drama but I'm still pretty satisfied by Victoria's display. 

The next morning no one knows what's going on, just that Victoria stayed at the hotel to sleep off whatever she drank, or let the demon who possessed her take a nippy nap.

When Juan Pablo showed up she told him she "guessed" that she over reacted and "guessed" that she should apologize.
 Cue One Republic because Juan Pab said it was too late. 

I think he realized that it was all fun and games but then envisioned Victoria getting angry and trying to shove Camila in the microwave for under cooking her drunk Hot Pocket.

He sends her home. 

We then are treated to the rose ceremony which was kind of snooze. 

Amy was the worst reporter ever. 
She felt like everything went really well when in all actuality it sealed the deal for her ticket home. 
Cloudy with a chance of no rose. 
(It's the end of the post...there's no escaping these bad jokes.)

Sharleen apologized for being rude to him the first night, which pleased me. 
I forgive her.
I do not forgive her severe eye brows but I'm back to kind of liking her.

NBA Dancer Mom got upset and cried and Juan Pab tells her he likes her.
Clare wonders if he still remembers their date. 
(Not about you right now you think for yourselfer.)
Other people get upset.

2 other women get sent home, who didn't really make an impression. 
However, this lady snuck by and snatched a rose....
Who is she?

I like this season because of the drama so far. 
However, I'm worried that Juan Pablo is over his head with these broads because they are special kind of crazy. 

When will Clare go full "scorned Lifetime Movie ex girlfriend" and burn the house down?
Will Victoria be found crying in another bathroom?
Will Molly go on her own 1:1 date?

I hope these questions get answered soon. 

What were your thoughts? 
Any surprises? 
Any thing I missed?

8 comments:

  1. Clare DEF reminds me of Ashlee too.

    I thought the whole thing with Victoria was staged and her totally acting. Like okay, you got your five seconds. Bye.

    I really like Roller Mom too! Annnndd....even though Andi's whole "waaah no nudity for me" thing seemed way too dramatic.....I like her. And I like Sharleen now because of her apology and she wears the best dresses of any of them. So there is that.

    I heard a girl call Juan Pablo "JP" at one point. And some others try out "Juan". Like Juan Pablo is too damn long, can we just figure out a good nickname to call him?? I'm down with JP.....even though we already had JP-what's-his-face who got picked by Ashley the Bachelorette.

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  2. Roller mom got my first impression rose and is still my favorite! I think Sharleen is the devil, and seems like she's only there for the sport of it. Which obviously will make things very interesting in the future! She just seems more cultured and classy which makes me think…. why are you coming on the bachelor?! I love how you are always on top of where Molly is at. I'm confused why she was allowed to bring her dog. Is that just a thing now?!

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  3. The official Bachelor bios have some gems, such as this one from Victoria:

    "Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious, and why?
    I prefer to be more mysterious. It's best to leave some things to the imagination."

    Tee-hee. :)

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  4. This is my first season of The Bachelor and I am loving it especially after stumbling across your blog now and a couple others that are blogging about their thoughts on the show. Thanks for the laughs!!!

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  5. And so begins another season of my not watching the Bachelor, but reading your oh-so-hilarious updates. Thanks!

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  6. I'm with Lisa. I have never watched an episode but your recap had me rolling!

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  7. This cracked me up! I'm commuting over from Grace's blog and you are hilarious....can't wait to read your reviews each week. Connecting Clare to Ashlee = brilliant. I decided to start writing my own bachelor reviews this season so that, via some creative writing I could maybe cancel out the brain cells that are dying while I watch this 'trash' as some people call it. I had the exact same thought about Rainbow Road! What a throwback. And what a terribly lengthy course. Glad to see there are some other Karters out there. Anyways- just wanted to say as long as there are bachelor seasons I'll be tuning in. So, til death do us part?

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