Feb 27, 2014

All Hometowns took place in LAME CITY, amiright?


We are almost to the end y'all and I couldn't be more pumped about it. 
Were these not the most BORING hometown dates you've ever witnessed in your life?
I would kill to have Kacie B. doing her baton twirling for a full 48 hours then ever have to watch these lame dates again. 

We start with Nikki in Kansas City. 
By the looks of Nikki's gloves it looks like she was running to greet him straight from her community theater rehearsal of "Annie."
I'm sure she's a fantastic Miss. Hannigan.
 Their reunion calls for the classic JP combo: headlock, butt grab, and besito.
They call it the Venezuelan Vice.  

Nikki tells us that she wants to see what kind of cowboy JP can be because that's what she wants in a man. 
We have been with this trollop for 8 weeks. 
Not once has she mentioned wanting a cowboy. 
Also is that what Kansas is known for? 
BBQ sure.
Famous "Wizard of Oz" quotes, definitely. 
But cowboys?

She takes him to a BBQ place, where they eat spicy food. 
Nikki asks if JP can tell that her "wheels are spinning."
He tells her doesn't know what that means and continues to gnaw on his ribs. 
He's, if nothing, perceptive to a woman's need for conversation.


They continue in Nikki's quest for a Garth Brooks type gentlemen by going to the PBR Bar.
By the look in this bull's eye (ha, bullseye) it not only knows what you did last summer, but is also super pumped to be ridden by JP.

He hops on, we're all uncomfortable.


Nikki pretends that she's super in to it. 

 and then go meet her family.
Was it just me or did anyone think Nikki hugged her mom for a super long time?
Like, just got back from being rescued from a captor, long hug?

I honestly can't tell you what happened during their conversation because 
a. I was bored
b. I was debating what to eat for a snack.

Nikki said she wanted to tell JP that she loved him but couldn't bring herself to do it. 
(I personally feel like Nikki would LOVE to beat Clare, as she has continuously referred to making it to the end as "winning." I don't think she LOVES JP in the slightest.)

They make out awkwardly on her parent's front step for awhile and then the car turns on and JP leaves. 
To be clear if I made out for that long on my parents front steps, Barb, Tim, and my Oma would come out banging pots and pans like it was New Years Eve. 
Not because they were against me making out on national television, but because they love the night life, and they love to boogie. 


I long for the day where we never have to see JP suck the soul out of the woman he's kissing like Whinnie does with children in "Hocus Pocus," kiss again.

The next hometown is Andi
 They meet casually on a dock and make out.
 Then Andi takes him to a gun range, where they shoot, and then....make out.
 Once they get to Andi's house, she tells them that over the course of their time together Juan Pablo has made her do crazy things like: 
Soccer
Karaoke &
Dancing
So essentially they were living on the edge. 
Andi's dad seemed immediately unimpressed by anything JP had to say.
He seemed to be really disheartened by the fact that Andi was consistently on group dates. 
Like father like daughter. 

 Later JP talked to Mr. Andi alone and asked him if he would accept Camilla and JP into his family. 
He essentially said no, but JP took that as, "Honest but probably yes."
 Andi's mom and JP sit down and have a talk, and she asks JP to show her how he danced with her daughter. 
I don't know if it was just me, but it seemed like she wanted to dance with JP, to I don't know, feel alive because she spends all her days with Groucho Marx. 
But instead he calls Andi out, and we watch her do the robot as Juan Pablo shimmies around her. 

By the end of the date it is clear that Groucho gives zero f's about JP and thinks that his daughter is merely infatuated with him. 
To that I say, "Preach." 
Andi knows her dad is skeptical but she continuously says how happy she is and how much she wants to be with JP.

We then meet up with precious, perfect in every way, adorable Renee in Sarasota. 

She's so excited to see JP and her son Ben, but more importantly have them meet. 
When he shows up, they do something unlike any other couple on this God forsaken show, and make out some. 
Amongst the weeds.
Because: romance.
 Finally we meet Ben, who is the sweetest kid ever. 
 He kind of refuses to look at JP and only stares at his mom, which melted my heart. 
I honestly could watch a show about the two of them forever and be totally fine with it.
 They spend the day watching Ben's baseball game, and you can tell Renee loves every minute of it. 
Also, Ben's fantastic at baseball. 
I'll stop fangirling over a mother and son duo. 
Eventually. 
Once they get to Renee's parents house, JP sits on the couch with her mom. 
Based on how he sat with her, and how their knees caressed each other, I was pretty sure the fantasy suites were going to start early, but alas they seemed to just have a nice conversation. 
 Renee tucks Ben in and you can see how much she missed him. 
HOW CAN YOU NOT MISS THIS FACE. 
THOSE EARS. 
UGH.
SO CUTE.
 They all continue to have a very comfortable close time with each other, until it's time for JP to leave. 

Renee says that she wants to tell JP that she loves him but she doesn't know how, and ends up staying quiet as he drives away. 
She's so great. 
Too great for him if you ask me. 

Finally we meet Clare in Sacramento. 
 They sit by the lake and talk about Clare's dad.
I don't know if it's because they are away from all the other biddies (minus Renee) but she seems less giggly and fake when she talked about him this time around.
She told some really sweet stories, that JP pretended to listen to, but really was trying to figure out how to feed the ducks, without the geese getting jealous.
Because he's just trying to be fair y'all.
 They go to Clare's mom's house, where we meet 4 of her sisters and her brother in law who looked super pumped to be there. 
 I don't know how everything started, but Clare's sister Roseanne Laura tells Clare she won't be talking to "Mama" alone because "Mama" will not be manipulated.
 No seriously, 
she didn't leave. 
She just stood there like a weird body guard saying that Clare couldn't say anything without her approval. 
I don't know if "Mama" has kill words that turn her into monster, or if Clare is the queen of getting what she wants, but either way it was super uncomfortable.
 Finally she goes inside to roast this dog for dinner to allow Clare some alone time,
 while another sister tells Roseanne to take a chill pill. 

We finally hear from Mama and she speaks to JP in Spanish.
She's a complete doll, and I kind of loved her. 
Mama tells JP that he'd be welcomed into their home should he choose Clare. 
It was a sweet date and oddly enough the second least annoying after Renee's. 
To be clear, Clare is insane in the membrane, but more tolerable when she and Nikki aren't fighting with the Mortal Kombat theme playing in the background.

The rose ceremony comes and he doesn't give Renee a rose. 
So after I talked myself off the ledge, I watched as she handled the break up with grace.

Minimal tears, very gracious and sweet. 
I want her to be the Bachelorette so bad, but apparently Andi is the front runner. 
A waste in my opinion but we'll get to that during the fantasy suite recap. 

I don't know about you but I thought it was a total snooze, much like many episodes of this season. 
There was no hometown pizazz. 
Remember Sean's prank on Emily?
Or Desiree's brother, Shane? 
The good old days. 

While I'm still coping with the loss of Renee, I will solider on for Part Two of the recap in just a few...

14 comments:

  1. Love your recaps! Can't wait for Part Two.
    I agree - RENEE for Bachelorette! Andi lost me when she decided to pick a fight about why she wanted to break up with JPab. He was annoying as usual, but I couldn't figure out what she wanted from him?

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  2. Omg your recaps just make my life so much better. I CANNOT watch this season. Every time I do I just want to poke myself in the eye with sharp objects every time JP opens his mouth, so I appreciate that you're sacrificing yourself. He just makes me so uncomfortable. That being said, what a douche for dumping Renee after meeting her son......seriously. One would think that since he has a child he would understand how wrong that is, but of course he doesn't have the capacity to understand anything.

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  3. They would be CRAZY to not pick Renee as the next B. She is the best. Andi is so fake. I love you recaps so much that I started watching and then just read your recap and deleted the rest. Signed, a fan in Brooklyn

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  4. Ben's ears = I <3 forever.

    I am all kinds of uncomfortable about JP on the bull. The bull also appears to have rectangular pupils. Few things scare me more than animals with rectangular pupils (goats). So that whole situation makes me want to cry into a pillow like the adult that I am.

    Thank you for taking me back to the 90s with the Roseanne comparison.

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