Feb 19, 2014

In Miami without the Sound Machine


Last week was kind of the worst.
I was so busy and had zero time to do a recap.
I don't think for one second anyone was mindlessly hitting refresh for the past 10 days to get my opinion on the New Zealand dates (snoozefest), but I promise never to forgo another week again. 
(So stop calling and hanging up Grace. I still have a healthy fear of you and your fist emojis.)

This week we are reconnected with the true love story: Camilla and coloring.
We find her presumably coloring the same page she was the day her dad left on his besito cruise around the world.
Juan Pablo surprises her with a creepy whistle, and after they swim, JP tells his friend and dad all about Sharkleen.

She may be the Juan y'all. 
Juan Pablo drops Camilla off at the Crayola factory to test drive the new crayons, and heads over to the hotel the women are staying in. 
At what point do these women stop getting excited about how fab their accommodations are?
It's not like they started in an Ecnolodge, and have been working their way up to the big leagues.
Sure I get pumped when I see a gift shop and an indoor pool, because I like nice things, but even I would act like I've been there at this point. 

When they finally settle down from their Oprah's Favorite Things moment, they find boxes!
For them!
Part of me hoped that the picture of my middle finger I sent to this season, time traveled back to when this episode was shot  and placed itself neatly for them to see.
However, Juan Pablo just got them weird bikinis.
Had I been there I would have required a tasteful scuba suit.
Sure Miami is near the equator, but nothing says Latin heat, like me in a rubber wet suit that covers every piece of me. 
Sports Illustrated, eat your heart out.

Juan Pablo walks into the room without knocking, because he's rude, and hand delivers the date card to Sharkleen.
Sharkleen is so confused by this that I became enraged.
Yes girl, the card with your name on it is for you.
Yes, you are supposed to read it.
Yes, seriously you're going on the date.

Clare was equally annoyed and literally said, "What is Sharkleen." 
Half shark half woman obviously. 

As Shark got ready for her date, she looked out into her home
 and spoke about her concerns regarding JP meeting her parents.
She knew there was a physical connection but wasnnnnnn't quite sure they connected mentally. 
Essentially she'd never dated someone so dumb before and didn't know how to tell her parents that her quasi-boyfriend was dumber than a box of erasers.
Well, a box of erasers that could kiss real well.

I mean how do you get to know someone when half of your date involves you laying down awkwardly?

If I was talking to someone while laying like that, approximately 34 chins would show.
Not a good look.

After they ride around on the yacht some more and Sharkleen teaches JP some new phrases, like,
"Just a pretty face," and "My mom is going to hate you," 
They proceed to get back into their downward position and make out.
Because romance, y'all. 

Juan Pablo asks Sharkleen if she's ready to bring him home, to which she replies,
"I think it will work."
After a statement like that we all know that Sharkleen spends her days doodling her and JP's name in hearts while she sings opera and birds and woodland creatures help her get dressed.

In reality she tells us that she's concerned that she likes kissing him as much as she does, and that it gives her great pause. 
Us too girl. 
Us too.
Juan Pablo didn't pick up on her subtle, "this isn't working" hints and tells her that he loves her smile when she's talking to him.
And then they made out.
Barf.
 When Sharkleen gets home she goes to talk to Dr. Renee, the resident therapist, about her concerns regarding JP.
Renee tells her that she shouldn't give up if she thinks she might regret it in the future, thus proving that she's the nicest woman on the planet. 

While Shark and JP were on their date, Nikki receives the 1:1 date card for the next day.
It mentions something about dancing, to which she replies, "I thought I paid my dancing dues." 

Everyone hates her and her negative comments, but if you look closely you can see Clare's eye twitch just a little more than everyone else's.

Nikki is taken to a flower shop, where Juan Pablo tells her that they are going to be putting together a bouquet of flowers...for CAMILLA.
Yep, they're date revolves around NIKKI meeting Camilla, his parents, and CARLA. 

Y'all. 
Come on.
Seriously?
Why wouldn't you take Renee on that date? 
Idiot.

Nikki says she's "speechless" she's so excited. 
I think speechless meant, " I hate Carla already." 
As they arrive, she awkwardly meets all of his family and remembers that she has to pretend to like kids as much as she said, as she watches Camilla dance.

After the recital she talks to Carla and it is apparent that Carla gives zero f's about Nikki.
This makes her my favorite.

 If the producers were smart, they'd realize how much everyone (but Renee) sucks, and would help Camilla plot a "Parent Trap" and get those two love birds back together. 

Did anyone else notice the flames in Nikki's eyes when JP asked Camilla to go give the flowers to her mom. 
Solid moment.
As they leave Nikki, gives Camilla a kiss, and declares that she "tastes like Cheetos."
My head shot up from playing Flappy Bird to see if Camilla was in fact eating my chip of choice, and was immediately disappointed when I realized she was eating the BAKED variety. 

You're 4. Live a little. 
Baked.
Psh.

The next part of the date is in Juan Pablo's office, Marlin's stadium. 
Nikki, dressed appropriately....for a college bar night

and fielded grounders with her personal boob catchers, double sided tape.

As they sat in center field Nikki asked,
"So how committed is Carla about being Camilla's mom? Like would she consider disappearing into the nightttt or is she like a sure thing?"

Juan Pablo assured her that Carla was fine with him dating other people and that they were best friends. 
Nikki said that was great news, while imagining ripping out Carla's hair.
She then revealed to us that she was falling in love with JP and that she wanted to wait until the right moment to tell him. 
So we've got that to look forward to. 

Back at the hotel Sharkleen comes to tell the ladies that she is leaving.
No one cares.

She goes to talk to Juan Pablo, but ends up whispering for no reason at all.
Please note how she sits when breaking up with him:

 It's like "Lean Back" is permanently being played in her head. 
Sorry, that was a terrible joke.
Love me through it. 

JP takes the break up incredibly well.
He tells Sharkleen that she didn't waste his time, and that the only thing that pisses him off is that she didn't sing for him more. 
So he's got priorities.
She tells him that he smells too good and that she must leave.
I understand that. 
A good smelling dude can keep someone in a relationship for 8,9, hell even 10 years. 
Get out while ya can.

As she leaves she says, "Good Luck."
Faintly you can hear Clare say, "Thank you" from the corner where she is posing as a tree.
And then she swam off, never to be seen again. 

The group date is next and besides the fact that someone got a rose and a guaranteed hometown visit, nothing about it was interesting. 

Chelsie tried to prove that she was still relevant, cute, and fun by reading letters that her mom and dad wrote her before she left. 
They had really wise sage advice, like,
"Keep your clothes on."
"Have fun."
"Two drink max."
"Don't listen to your mother."
Nothing says, "KEEP ME HERE!" like read love notes from your folks. 
 Andi pulled an Andi, by crying about how scared she was.
Juan Pablo said, "Don't cry." 
Which calmed Andi down, and put her at ease.
Naturally.
 JP told Clare that he wished he could meet her dad who died.
Because he's sensitive.
So she cried, and told him about the DVD he made for her future husband. 
Part of me believed that she had fashioned a VCR out of a coconut and was going to play it on the beach for him.
But instead she kept her cool, and claimed that she couldn't wait for him to meet her five other sisters. 

Juan Pablo then reveals that the rose is going to Andi.
Clare, who has had two 1:1 dates, has a tantrum, because everyone is going on dates but her.
Rational.
 She then says she's excited to go home and hang out with Nikki.

Andi and JP's date was so boring that I started thinking of ways to make it more entertaining.
The thing I got myself psyched up for was that the queen of Miami, Gloria Estefan and her Sound Machine would be the surprise concert.
When the rhythm did not get me, I realized what a lame time I was having on their date.

At home, Nikki, Renee, Clare, and Chelsie began talking about why they were home so early.
Nikki said Clare seemed checked out, and apparently that set everything off. 
For some reason, (I blacked out from boredom), Nikki stormed off and Clare followed her. 
This is how their argument went. 
Clare: Did I say something to offend you.
Nikki: You were talking sh*t about my friend. 
Clare: Who was talking sh*t?
Nikki: You interrupted.
Clare: Who was talking sh*t?
Nikki: You interrupted.
Clare: Who was talking sh*t?
Nikki: No one was.
Clare: So who was?
Nikki: No one...I felt that's how the conversation was going to go.
Clare: Why?
Nikki: Who?
Clare: Blah blah you only care about yourself blah.
Nikki: You're excused from my room now.
Clare: Oh your room. It's not your room.
Nikki: Did you sleep here?
Clare: Did you pay for it?
Nikki: Did you sleep here?
Clare: Did you pay for it?
Nikki: No.
Clare: Then it's not your room.

Nikki then says that there are very few times she hasn't gotten a rose on a date, (ugh) and she's never acted the way Clare was.
She also said that Clare peed on Juan Pablo (in the ocean? jellyfish sting?) and she didn't like that someone was intruding.

At the rose ceremony, Nikki said she wasn't looking forward to hanging out with her boyfriend and Crazy Clare.
While the women all sit around and wait, they have conversations that are really life altering like:
Every day jewelry.
Chelsie asks Nikki if she has any pieces that she wears every day to which she replies,
"I'm not a sentimental person."
So that's normal.

With that, Chelsie says she has to pee, and even though Clare pleads for her not to go, she does and leave Nikki and Clare to sit in silence. 
Not for a few seconds y'all.
Minutes.
There were crickets.
LITERAL CRICKETS.
This is what this season has come to. 
Watching women who hate each other sit in silence. 




It was so uncomfortable.
It didn't even end when people came back.
It got worse.
We all knew Clare was bananas but Nikki's bratty crazy is something that may not be able to beat. 

Everyone but Chelsie gets a rose, who takes it well. 

Is it weird that I was most intrigued by the previews for next week. 
1. Andi's dad seems intense and I'm already loving it. Mainly because JP can't make out his way through that conversation. Or maybe he does.
Scandal. 
2. Clare's mom refers to herself as "mommy." 
3. What the F happens in that fantasy suite with Andi?
I'm legit concerned. 
What has Juan Pablo done? 
I'm scared.

What are your thoughts?
I read somewhere that people were Team Nikki.
How?
Why?
I can't.
Clare is INsane, but Nikki is competitive to the point of murder.
She's Regina George.
Clare is Gretchen Weiners.
I, as always, am Glen Coco.

Who's your fav? 
What do you think happens in the suit? 
Tell me errrrything.


8 comments:

  1. Your recap had me laughing out loud again! Clare dressed as a tree, ha!
    Honestly though, not to sound like a broken record but Juan Pablo is bad, yeah but these women? They are the worst!!! I cannot get behind any of them and I am a girl's girl. Renee is good but there is zero chemistry there. Chelsie, no sex appeal TO SPEAK OF. She is the girl who will always be in the friend zone, despot her pretty face.
    I just don't see who will be the next bachelorette from this bunch.

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  2. Sorry, cut off. I'm thinking the only option is to bring back the runner-up from Sean's season? What was her name? Was it Chelsea?

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  3. Cut off again!! I know why Juan and Carla agreed to put their little mini Britney Spears on this show... Dance Moms. I think that is that recital was the entire reason for JP accepting this gig... They want Camilla to be a STAR!

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  4. This recap was about 100 times better than the actual show. Seriously!! NEVER stop doing these! How can people be Team Nikki? How is that possible? I'm confused as to why he took her to the recital as well.

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  5. Nikki is THE worst. I was holding on to hope that maybe Chelsie would let it slip before she got in the limo that Nikki will be the evil stepmother but alas, she was too sweet. All in all, down with Juan Pablo…. most boring season ever. Your recaps are the highlight of my week.

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  6. I'm kind of on team Nikki... but mostly because I think she and Juan Pabs deserve each other. I think they'll have a lovely, brief engagement before one of them realizes what they got themselves into and head for the hills. Like when Juan Pablo realizes she hates dancing almost as much as he seems to hate kissing with his tongue in his own mouth. NASTY.

    Also, I can't really blame her for being a little snarky. I'd be losing it too if I had to spend that much time with those "charming" ladies. Yuck.

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  7. OMG DYING LAUGHING. (And just so you know, I really was clicking refresh for 10 days......sooooo yeah).

    I just can't even decide what I want to happen......besides that I really want Renee to be the next Bachelorette. I thought maybe Andi would be alright, but she's been annoying me with all her crying and whining lately. I was sort of sad to see Sharkleen go because she's so awkward and fun to make fun of. I would be all for a JP/Carla parent trap.

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  8. According to Reality Steve, Andi is going to be the next Bachelorette. Honestly I can't even watch this season because I don't hate myself THAT much so I am indebted to you for subjecting yourself to JP and taking one for the team ;)

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