Feb 28, 2014

Part 2: Andi's Revenge

After the lack luster hometowns I was convinced that the fantasy suites were going to be lame sauce, even with the promise of dramz on dramz on dramz with Andi. 

Maybe it's because they've run out of ways to make this season remotely interesting, or they've simply given up but the dates themselves, are getting more and more sedentary. 

They usually follow this timeline:
1. Pick up
2. Get on a boat/plane/train/bike
3. Get food. 
4. Sit down.
5. Chat for 2-3 seconds.
6. Hair behind the ear tuck/ make out sesh.
7. Besitos. It's ok. Besitos. 
8. Camilla chat
9. Make out.
10. Juan Pablo's dad speech. 
11. End of date.

Juan Pablo declares that he's excited for the "overnights" based on the 
The first "overnight" was with Clare.
They got on a boat:
 Made out.
Clare said how she's trusted JP ever since he blind folded her in the car.
I think that constitutes as Stockholm Syndrome, but I'm not a doctor.

Clare says she's doubting whether it is a good idea to go the fantasy suite after the ocean debacle but she's considering it. 
She asks JP how he felt about the hometown date and tries to cover up for the fact that her sister Roseanne Laura is a crazy person.
They swim in the ocean, aka the original scene of the crime. 
They talked about Clare being a mom to Camilla. 
I don't know if they came up with a resolution to if she would be a good step mom but they did end up making out more. 
She told him she loved falling in love with him as he pawed at her face.
How these women have not swatted his hand away like a damn gnat by now remains a mystery.
If someone put their hands on my face as much as Juan Pablo did to these women I would start biting at his fingers, in a very non-romantic, very rabid raccoon kind of way.
Also stop touching their hair dude.
You're going to make it oily.
F.

He offered her the room key, she accepted it, we all know what happens after that. 
Maybe I'm the only who feels this way, but Clare and JP kind of just make sense.
She wants a husband so bad she doesn't care that he's rude, dumb, and also really dumb.
He likes to make out with any woman who has a mouth.
Match made in heaven.

 The next 1:1 date was with Andi.
Before I get to that fiasco let's just breeze past Nikki's date.
Here are the highlights:
1. It was boring.
2. She wore this outfit.
3. I definitely couldn't stop singing "Just Around the River Bend" for the rest of their excursion, which blocked out much of their conversation.
4. I yawned a lot.
5. She tells him she loves him. I can't remember what he said but I'm sure it was, "Besitos."

Let's get back to Andi:
I'm going to break down her attitude during this whole date to set up how effing confusing her outburst was later.
Andi, from the jump, tells us that she is so excited to be with JP.
She knows that her family was concerned but she feels confident that she's falling in love with him.
She loves his personality, and how she feels when she's with him.
JP greets her with awkward shoulders, and then they play the drums.
because St. Lucia!
 Later they eat lunch and hang out with potentially the other cutest kid besides Ben.
 JP finds out that the kids eating with him love to play soccer and so naturally a shirts vs skins game breaks out.
 They then proceed to a dock in the jungle and have lunch while chatting about Andi's hometown date.
During their conversation, JP tells Andi that he really respected her dad and she feels so great about that.

She continues to say how she's excited that in a week she could potentially be engaged to Juan Pablo, and how her feelings for him have really grown throughout the process.
She says some mushy crap, about wanting to be his passenger in life, and looking forward to their potential life together.
 The waterfall calls to them...
 and they make out.
JP and Andi seem to be having a fantastic time.
However, JP throws a curve ball during their dinner conversation by
ASKING A QUESTION.
He tells Andi that it concerned him when during her hometown date, she said she wanted to be in love SO BAD.
He wanted to make sure that she wasn't forcing anything, and that the comments concerned him.
Andi answered and said that she was glad he brought it up and said that she wasn't forcing anything, and what they had was true and genuine.
They make out and then do what they do in that den of sin.
So to recap in the recap: Andi is loving life.
Happy as a clam.


The next morning JP says that they had an amazing time in the fantasy suite and that they talked and laughed for hours...HOURS.
He talks about how cute Andi is and how he loves her chubby cheeks. 
At that point, I see a potential red flag.
Because nothing gets the panties droppin' faster than being told your face looks fat. 

JP is convinced that Andi is great and that things are moving in the right direction.
Meanwhile:

Andi tells us how disgusted she is by Juan Pablo. 
He told her about his overnight with Clare, only talked about himself, didn't ask her any questions, name dropped, and didn't care about how she felt at all. 
According to her she couldn't wait to get out of there. 

I don't know what the check-in/ check-out policy is for the fantasy suite, but unless it's the Hotel California, I'm pretty sure she could have peaced out whenever she felt like. 
Instead she tells him nothing of her disgust, and waits until she leaves after a WHOLE night of sitting in a room with him, even though she knows she's going to confront him later....in front of the cameras....suspicious.

After JP watches Clare and Nikki's incredibly awkward videos proclaiming their love for him, he gets essentially called to the principal's office by Andi to "chat" more about how she is feeling. 

JP has no clue what they are going to talk about. 
When she gets there she is dead behind the eyes. 
 She gets right to the point and tells JP that after last night she realized that she wasn't, and never would be in love with him.
JP, much like during his conversation with Sharkleen, says he understands and that it's ok. 
He tells her that he can't make her have feelings for him and gets that she isn't into it. 
That sets her off. 
She says that he doesn't process through her feelings with her and that he never asked her WHY she was nervous just gave her "besitos," and told her it would, "be ok," and that wasn't enough. 
This is coming from the girl, who EVERY TIME, was told by JP that it was "ok" said that talking to him always made her feel safe and secure in their relationship. 
Literally every episode she cried, and every time his response was the same. 

Here's a reenactment of the last 8 weeks: 
Andi: "I'm scared you don't like me."
JP: "It's ok. I do." 
Andi: "I feel like he gets me and I feel so calm when I'm with him. Yay JP!" 
End scene

So the fact that this all of a sudden fills her with a rage that can't be contained is pretty surprising to me. 
I have a hard time believing that a smart girl like her JUST figured out how dumb and surface level Juan Pablo is...all their relationship has been up to this point is crying and making out and Andi seemingly being pretty into all of it. 

Andi then says that it was disrespectful for him to say that he had already had an overnight date with Clare. 
I agree with that. 
I have no arguments. 

She then brings up a comment that he made about her being in the top 3 by "default."
That seems like something anyone else but JP would say, mainly because he has like 7 phrases he repeats, much like a Teddy Ruxpin.

I don't really understand how that conversation happened, or why she would be the default but she keeps harping on it. 
At one point, JP says that he has only used the word default 5 times in his life, and that all 5 were in the current conversation. 
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that probably is 100% true. 

He says that he doesn't know what that word means, but tries to rectify it by saying he meant to say Andi BARELY got there. 

 Andi doesn't take that well.
She then starts telling JP that he doesn't ask anything about her, that he doesn't know her views on social issues, or religion, or how she wants to raise her kids.
For some reason he tries to prove that she doesn't know anything about him either by asking what his religion is.
She answers Catholic and he says nothing else about it.
I take that back, I don't think he was asking to prove a point, I think he was asking because even he doesn't know.

Andi tells him he's annoying, and should never say "it's ok" again.
She said if she ever heard that phrase she would "kill herself."
So at least we know she's not overly dramatic.
JP does his best to say that he doesn't mean it to be condescending it's just how he validates the women he's with...
Again, my dog Doug probably would get better grades than JP, but I honestly believe he has no idea how he comes off to the women.
He hasn't made any real personal connections with the women all season so I get it, but Andi has fallen into that trap the entire time.
Apparently all it took was him saying Clare's name during their date that woke her from her JP spell, but still....

Andi continued to berate him, and because we all hate JP, we all want to believe that he was a total jerk during their overnight date. 
But it's kind of unfair because there were no cameras, and because JP only signs important documents in crayon, he doesn't stand a chance against the ADA of Atlanta. 

It all seemed very opportunisitc on Andi's part.
Almost like an audition for her role as the next Bachelorette.

I think my favorite part of the whole conversation was JP trying to get something off Andi's face after she spent the past 10 minutes berating him for being the worst person ever.

Her disgust. 
Kills. Me. 

She ends up leaving, and is still so angry. 
She says she knows that he probably thinks everything went well, and that he didn't get it (which is true). 
She tells us that she's still ready for love, just not with JP, ever. 

JP tells Nikki and Clare that they're the final two, and while Nikki is upset her bestie is gone

 but Clare doesn't give 1 F.
She's going to be a stepmom y'all!

In two weeks we will be at the finale. 
My one true hope is that he picks Clare. 
I fear for the planet Earth if she goes home, as she will stomp through cities, destroying landmarks, and draining the oceans of water. 

I'm pretty pumped about the "Women Tell All," because it seems like they are pullin' an Eminem, and cleaning out their closet
Get it? 
No?

What do you think?
Do you agree that Andi seemed to come out of nowhere with the attack?
What are you most excited about, besides the end of this awful season? 
Tell me errrrrything.

21 comments:

  1. I just can't. OMG I agree with everything you said. I think that every time Clare looks at JP she licks her lips and just waits till she can put him in the oven and make his rib cage into a lamp shade.

    Nikki just looks constipated all the time. Take some ExLax Girl.

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  2. Hahaha, this is amazing. The Teddy Ruxpin reference alone made my day.
    I'm not so suspicious of Andi doing a 180 after the fantasy suite. We all know how the Bachelor team likes to get creative in the editing room. My hope is that she has been skeptical all along OR she was in that infatuated/honeymoon/blindedbyhishotness phase and that once she actually listened to JP, the stupidity blasted through the hotness.
    I'm all for JP and Clare or JP and Nikki, because here's the thing. If he gets together with either of those two dumb-dumbs that means there are two less "at least they're pretty" people floating around in the dating pool. May they live long together in ignorant bliss and leave the smart, socially-conscious men to ladies like us.

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  3. Maybe they stayed up so late "talking" in the fantasy suite, the alcohol wore off and Andi actually paid attention? Either way, I am holding out for a JP/Clare TV wedding. Imagine Clare's Cinderella fantasy with angry sisters playing their part. The drama would be fantastic!

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  4. All of this is hilarious as usual, but the Teddy Ruxpin comment was absolutely the best!!

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  5. I find this change kind of annoying too. Maybe when she was on her hometown date her dad had a come to Jesus talk with her and she started realizing these things? But come on, this is the Bachelor. If you want to make a lasting relationship based on your religious or political beliefs join match.com girl.

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  6. For me there is a fine line that I dance upon between being able to distantly observe the hilario dramz and feeling sad for the state of humanity.

    and JP's obtuseness has a certain way of dragging a person into a sea of despair - thankfully your recaps help revive!

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