Mar 12, 2014

Will you accept this warrant?

Well y'all we did it.
We made it through the worst season ever in the history of everything on Earth.
Britney Spears had a better one season reality show with "Chaotic," than this run of the "Bachelor."
I gotta say the season finale of this bad boy did NOT disappoint.
Leading up to the finale Juan Pablo had zero redeeming qualities left to try to make him desirable.
His recent "R" word scandal was probably his last straw.
Even Camilla is like "yo...chill."


Chris Harrison starts the evening by essentially apologizing for the whole season.
Forgive me...Por Favor.

He says that there's a lot of debate as to whether JP was there to find love in the first place to which I yelled at my television, "NO HE DID NOT CHRISTOPHER."
Chris, obviously having heard me, and said that Juan Pablo talked with the producers and had promised them a big surprise.
Who knew what that meant but whatever, I love a good hype/surprise so I was in.
We deserved a good surprise.
We've tortured y'all...we need presents.

The first meeting was with Clare.
JP talks to his family about her by telling them that she's from Sacramento, CA.
She's a hair stylist and that's all he's going to say.
He literally said, "and that's all I'm going to tell you."
Because apparently, that's enough.

Clare arrives overly excited as per usual.
JP talks about how their attraction is on fire, I personally feel like that might be different kind of itch that he should get checked but I'm not a doctor.

She hadn't met with Juan Pablo's family yet unlike Nikki so was very nervous to meet Camilla.


Admittedly she was super sweet with her and clearly has good intentions in terms.
She's bananas but sweet.

Camilla and Clare's relationship felt more developed and deep after the 4 minutes of being together than the 3 months we've watched her and Juan Pablo, so I was feeling good about her chances.
There were periods of silence that were simply delightful.
At one point Juan Pablo and his family began to speak Spanish.
Juan Pab tells his family that Clare is Mexican.
They ask if Clare speaks Spanish.
Nope, she doesn't.
Their response?
"K. wellllllllll we're gonna keep talking about you."

Clare goes to talk to his mom, who tells her that JP was "hyperactive."
And that he was "difficult."
Mrs. JP asked how their communication was and Clare responded with,
"I love it." and then said "He made me cry."
To which Mom said, "Yeah."
I don't know about you but it kind of felt like they were trying to talk her out of it.
Of course she believed it was an excellent sign they were telling her all those things.
She talks to his cousin:
He said that Juan Pablo generally was willing to walk away from relationships when things got hard and asked if she would be willing to stay.
She said definitely because: Clare.
Later when he was talking to Juan Pablo, he said, "She's not begging for it...but she's ready."
So not only did Clare come off desperate, she left thinking like she nailed it.
When really she'd just nailed Juan Pablo.
Get it?
No?
This season has made me weary.
Love me through it.

Clare tells JP that she knows he was raised right which concerned me based on the fact that his parents were essentially telling her how much he sucked for the entire visit.
If this wasn't a show based on love, I'm pretty sure they would have asked if she was interested in adopting him, just to take him off their hands. 

JP tells Clare that he's glad that she's there and they make out.
Which is new and different.

Then it was time for Nikki to meet the family again.
I don't know what it is but she is so BORING.

I literally don't know what happened the first 3 minutes because I zoned out.
For some reason Saul, JP's dad, really liked her though and felt like she was honest enough to manage JP.
I believe Saul thought that this was an interview Juan Pablo's new night nurse.


"I don't understand why we have to come to St. Lucia to do a second interview for Juan's night care but I will take it." 
Nikki had 1:1 time with Mrs. Juan Pablo.
Mrs. JP asked what a typical weekend would be like, knowing that he would have Camilla.
Nikki said that it would start with them having breakfast and then going to the beach or the park, having lunch, just doing fun things together.

Mrs. JP let her know that's not how it rolls.
She said that JP would wake up, eat breakfast, watch TV with Camilla or Nikki and that would be it.
She said that he was "very simple."
I read that as "dumb."

The cousin was there again, and Nikki asked him if she felt like JP was ready for all of this.
His response: "I'm pretty sure."
Yet another ringing endorsement from his family about what a stand up guy he is. 
He told her that JP was not easy, simple, but not easy.
He asked Nikki how much fighting she could take in a relationship and would she be willing to stick around.

He told her that he felt like they would fight well together.
Nikki responded that she didn't need to know everything about someone to love them, (or half...or an eighth really) but that she was really happy.

The cousin smiled, and revealed adult braces, which is fine.

But I have to admit it threw me off for a minute.
Good for him though.
You go buddy.
You go.

As they leave JP tells Nikki that he loves her smile, and that he's happy she signed up for the show.
At that point we all knew she was the one.
Oh we didn't?
Because that shows no feelings whatsoever?
My b.

He told her to think a lot, and that he would think a lot too.
He didn't tell her that he was going to be thinking about dinner, and how time zones would effect watching baseball games, but it would be thinking nonetheless.

Nikki left believing that in a couple days she would be so happy to hear all of the things he wasn't able to say during the entire process.
Spoiler alert gf, you. gonna. hate.it.

JP says that he can see it with both of them and wanted to keep both.
Part of me honestly felt like he asked Chris Harrison if that was a possibility. 

When we are brought back to the live audience we see that our favorite former contestants are there including the loves of my life Sean & Catherine.

Make a reality show chronicling your livessssss. I miss youuuuuuuuu. I'll stay 500 ft away at all times as promiseddddd. 
Chris Harrison asked what Catherine thought about JP and she said that she liked him as a person, but understood why it was hard to be a girl in that situation based on his complacency.
She said that even though his family hates him, you don't really listen to what people are saying because you're in a bubble.
I have a feeling no one was telling her what a dirtbag Sean was BECAUSE HE'S PERFECT but I definitely see where she was coming from. 
However, 
if it looks like crap, smells like crap, acts like crap then it's probably crap. 
(Juan Pablo is the crap).

Also just for fun this:   

Clare's final date was up next in our old friend the Helicopter.
Hello old friend
Everything seemed to be going well, and then as the heli landed Clare stated that when the cameras and mics were off, she asked JP to tell her how he really felt while it was just them.
From what I've read on the always correct internet the conversation went:

Clare: Tell me you love me.
JP: I don't know you. But I like f-ing you.


I feel you girl.
I feel you.

Then they had to walk up a hill together.
I don't know what would have made me more angry.
That he said such a crass comment or that he was making me walk up a hill when the helicopter could have just taken us a few feet closer.

Clare was really upset and wanted to talk to him one on one because if didn't feel anything but physical then she was out of there.
Meanwhile JP says that Clare is, "sexy, hot, cute," and her "besitos were aye yi yi."
Cue Olivia Newton John's "Let's Get Physical" because that is all this jam is y'all.

JP shows up to Clare's room, looking like a Lifetime movie murderer before he loses his mind.


Clare refuses to give him a kiss which puts him on edge.
She tells him she needs to talk about what he said to her earlier.
He asks her to remind him.
HE IS THAT STUPID
or that much of a dumbdumb to truly understand him being honest means he is in fact a grade a bag of farts.

 He keeps mentioning the fact that she won't kiss him, and gets more and more frustrated.


While they talk, you see Juan Pablo slowly begin to chip away at her bold statements.
I believe as they talk he tells her he doesn't like certain things about her and that she's blaming him for how he feels.
Ok, if I'm being totally honest, I had no idea what was really going on because none of it made sense.
I did love the serious shade that was being thrown by Sharkleen and Kelly.
"judging you." 
 Ultimately he gets her to stop talking, and somehow she is comforted by the conversation.
 End of date.

Him and Nikki go on their last date which once again was the lamesssssssst.
 Nikki tries to talk about their life together and Juan Pablo literally tells her most of his time would be spent watching sports alone in his room.
Hot.
 Nikki tries to shake it off and remind herself that she's in love dammit.
She gives him a picture frame, and I'm pretty sure he was about to leave it in the room.
 She thinks that it HAS to be her.
She's convinced that he's going to tell her everything she's been waiting to hear, and can't wait to tell her mom that she's engaged.
Sooooooootheresthat................

FINALLY we're at the end.
Let's show how long the progression of the boat getting to shore was:
It begins with:
Cut to:
Then back to the boat:
Then lowering the steps...
Then Chris watching sadly as one of these women is about to potentially commit to Juan Pablo for at least 5 months, or whenever they do the People Magazine cover.
To finally reveal:
Clare.
She begins talking to him, instead of the other way around and basically tells him she's ready.
He then tells HER that he likes her but he's going to let her go.
She's not the mosttttt pleased.
He tries to hug her and she pushes him away.
 She tells him that she can't believe he knew all this time and made her go thru everything she did.
She tells him she's disgusted and I was fist pumping in the air during the whole thing.

Then she says the best thing ever:
"I would never want my kids to have someone like you for a father." 

 Boom roasted.
She leaves gracefully, and Juan Pablo's only response,
"Wow. I'm glad I didn't pick her."
I didn't think he could get worse....but then he did.

Next Nikki shows up and we all think that he's going to propose to her.
He's finally going to open up and tell her he loves her.
Nope.
He tells her he has a ring in his pocket but he's not going to use it, but he likes her....a lot. Like a lot.
Then asks her to accept the final rose.

"I hate you."
 So in summary:
"Hey Nikki, I'm not going to propose to you because well...I don't wanna. But I will give you the same rose I've been giving you the past couple of months. And you will like it because I'm cute Juan Pablo. BESITOS FOR EVERYONE."

During the After the Rose, Chris Harrison is done trying to hide that he likes JP.
He talks to Clare, and she says she has closure and doesn't want to talk to him...ever.
He respects her, and brings out Nikki.

Nikki tells us she is very happy with JP and that he still hasn't told her that he loves her.


Juan Pablo comes out and starts ranting about how great everything is and how they're done being in the spotlight and that everything from here on out is going to be private.

He keeps referencing the fact that he's been boxing with people IN the computer.
I know that English is his second language, so by no means am I making fun of that.
But what I am making fun of is that fact that he may actually think that they are IN the computer.
As he talks perfect precious angel face Sean, looks on with great disapproval.
Chris tries to get JP to explain, and
Juan Pablo says,
"WILL YOU LET ME TALK CHRIS, JEEZ."

"You talkin' to me?"
 Yes.
Juan Pablo, yelled, and interrupted the Godfather of the "Bachelor" franchise not once, but like 8 times.
I believe I gasped every single time.
You don't mess with C.Harrison.
You just don't.

Nikki tried to mediate the situation but did a terrible job.

 Catherine looked on with such murder in her eyes that I was HOPING they would ask her what she was thinking.
And they did:
She told them that they should embrace this process and to not slap the hand that feeds you.
Then Nikki put a curse on her.

They continued to talk about how happy they were...
 and no matter what Chris said, JP would NOT say he love Nikki.
 I gotta say, that probably stings a little bit for her.
I understand that they are taking a very realistic approach to the whole situation, and that in the real world people take it slow.
But I don't watch this show to watch two normal people date.
That's boring.
If you lie to me and tell me you love each other (Ben and Courtney) I will see thru it but love you for trying.
I didn't really like how they were putting the whole show down, that will potentially bring them lucrative opportunities in the future.
Sure, a lot of times it doesn't last, but when you're main argument is to look at the failures of the show that brought you together, you may not be starting on the right foot to begin with...

When Chris asked JP what the surprise, he said, "I'm the surprise. Nikki is my surprise."
Rumor has it that he was supposed to be on "Dancing with the Stars," or that he was actually going to propose, but because he's been making too many waves they didn't ask him, and the happy couple has allegedly been fighting a lot, so he didn't ask her.
Scandal.


Chris Harrison said he was happy to see this season go, to which I said duh.

They announced the new Bachelorette:
Andi.
They showed her out in the streets, showing how she worked with gang related crime.
My favorite part was her standing in front of this marked house.
Mainly because of her commentary.
She said,
"Omg look at this, it's basically just saying, 'Welcome to the gang.'"

It made me laugh and think that that's how gangs welcome their new members.
"Welcome home guys!"

Although I found her to be super whiney and annoying through the majority of this season, I'm kind of pumped to see how she is with the guys.
She's definitely not going to take any crap and I'm pretty pumped.

I feel like there's a lot of law puns that are going to be made and you all know I love a pun.
My hope for the season is that once, JUST ONCE, she says,
"Will you accept this warrant."
Y'ALL what if one of the guys is someone she prosecuted in the past?
WHAT IF?!

There are so many opportunities for this to also be a crime drama that I'm so excited.
What if she solves mysteries in the other countries?
Holy crap.
This is going to be such a turn around.
May 19th is going to be a great day for all!

What were your thoughts on the finale?
Total snoozefest or totally worth it?


17 comments:

  1. I just read this is class while my students are completing their obligatory reading time and laughed out loud multiple times. I tried to cover it up as a cough but I think they saw right through me... Another perfect recap!

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  2. I was not a Juan fan but I feel like he was seriously bullied. Chris asked him or Nikki no less than 10 times to say "I love you" ... as someone who believes love and marriage are for a lifetime... why push that after 6 weeks (of which you are dating other women). It cant be love. Yes, I like seeing a proposal but I think he did do the right thing at the end.

    Was he a jerk? Probably but we all have a jerk side and I think it was played up even more than he probably is. I think his intentions were good and I respect his honesty. ~Rachel

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  3. Ugh…so glad this season is over…he did a good job appearing to be an insensitive jerk-wad. And I'm disappointed in Nikki…I liked her in the beginning. Can't wait til May 19th though!! ;)
    ~Mary

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  4. Sweet Jesus, so thankful this season is over.

    Did anyone else get a 21 Jump Street feel from Andi's story? I wish she would have slid across the hood of the car and been like "we out."

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  5. Although all are rejoicing that this season of Bachelor is over, I must say that I am not rejoicing that your recaps will not be back until May 19. Keep posting!

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