May 29, 2014

Oh Craig...


Normally I post my recaps on Tuesday evenings, however last night I laid down in my bed at 8pm just to take a quick rest and ended up waking up at 8am today. 
Classssic Jones move.
So, let's get to it. 

Week #2 and Andi still can't believe she's the Bachelorette.
She's pumped that there are still 19 great guys that she can't wait to get to know. 
Does anyone else think it's an odd number to start with?
19?
20 was just one too many?

Andi starts the episode off with a profound statement, 
"It's time to start dating, it's like what we're here for..."
She's like a modern day Emily Dickenson.

At the house the first date card arrives via Chris Harrison. 
He asks if the guys like Andi and they all quickly start yelling things at the top of their lungs, 
"SHE IS GREAT"
"ANDI IS PRETTY."
"MARRY ME."
Chris tells the guys that she's one of the best... and that if he can't have her no one can.
The date card is read, and it goes to Eric. 

 Craig becomes overly excited (foreshadowing) and demands to slap hands.
"I love you so much man. We should get an apartment together."
Andi arrives and picks Eric up. 
As they approach their destination Eric asks what the place was called. 
Andi replied: "The beach duh."

They build sandcastles while Andi is wearing a white bikini. 
Things I would never wear on the first or ever date: a white bikini. 
 Eric claims that he can now say they built their first home together. 
At that point knowing what we know about Eric, I began to weep into a plate of cookies. 

In the distance we here the faint chopper blades, and I thought to myself, "Could it be?"
And it was! 
The first helicopter of the season. 
Hello old friend. 
Part of me was praying that Emil was the pilot. 
Could you imagine his welcome aboard speech?
"Hi everyone, this is your captain speaking. My name is Emil, think Anal with an M. We'll be flying real high in the sky today. I know you can't concentrate on anything else I'm saying because I just told you my name is Anal with an m. Fly safe."
I digress.
 Andi and Eric hop into the most logical form of transportation and head off to their next destination. 

Which is snowwwww!
 They are met by Louie Vitto, their instructor for the day.
"Sup I'm Louie Vitto. I'm gonna be honest I hate you both."
Andi claims to be bad at snowboarding. 
If you're keeping a running list of things she's bad at like I am, you're starting to wonder what she does when she's not crashing welcome home parties for new gang members. 
 Eric continues to teach her after Louie Vitto takes their lunch money and gives them atomic wedgies. 
He was so precious and I was so sad watching the date. 
After their adventure they head to a cabin where Andi asks Eric to tell her about Syria, because she "heard it was really dangerous there."
Yeah dude.
Even I know it's dangerous in Syria, and I know nothing about important non-celebrity related topics. 
He tells a really intense story about almost getting killed, which was also very eerie all things considered. 
Andi, clearly riveted by the tale of him sending potentially the last text ever to his parents, asks him if he would risk putting his traveling on hold for a family. 
"Hey imma let you finish but tell me how this life will effect me."
Eric tells her that his biggest goal in life was to have a family, and that he wouldn't do certain things once he had kids. 
It was a very sweet date, and he ended up getting a rose. 

Back at the house the second date card arrived.
It was a group date that read, "Let's bare all."
Eager beaver Craid yelled out, 
"HOW IS BARE SPELLED? ARE WE GETTING NAKED BECAUSE I'M GETTING REALLY EXCITED."

Some of the guys believe that they will be fighting bears, which I too believed was the most viable option. 

When they arrived at their destination, they meet the man Matthew McConaughey's character in "Magic Mike" was based on:
and learn that they will be learning the "art of naked dancing..."
 and then performing in front of a live audience. 
The good news is that all the money raised at the live show goes to charity. 
Because all charities love to receive crumpled up dollar bills that have been in Craig's man thong. 

They learn that they will be placed in different groups:
Army Guys 
Firemen
Cowboys
and two solo routines:
A robot (natch. Robots are the next sexiest thing to a human)
And a pilot. 
Bald Golfer and Marcus are given the solos and are very nervous. 
Well, Marcus is nervous, Bald Golfer was just pumped to be there.

Andi insists that it is a no judgement zone but in reality she will be watching ...and judging them. 

While the firefighters are told by Matthew McConaughey Sr. that they are the #1 sexual fantasy of all women, the others begin learning their choreography with the "real men" who were either giants, or insisted on holding tiny boom boxes just for funsies. 
there wasn't an iHome available? a large set of speakers?
 Then Craig....that big dumb idiot Craig begins his breakdown. 

 He has been put in the cowboy group.
"Sexy cowboys," and he doesn't want us to get it twisted.
He told us that he would never come out and do this on his own, unless he made a lot of money. 
In conclusion, he wouldn't do it. 

While Andi gets a private show (barf) from Josh,
  he slipped in a pile of Craig's drool and pulled a hammy. 
From the background you can hear Craig saying that Josh is the total package, and he could never be as sexy as him. 

I just want to be close to you...
Cue "SexyCanI" because JOSH HAS GOT IT GOING ON
 Troll Doll Cody really got into it, and gave that couch a show. 
 To further prove his dedication to the performance, he kissed both his arms, and showed off his stomach which...

surprising to no one, had a troll jewel. 


 He then proclaimed himself, "Magic Cody."
In that same moment Channing Tatum's abs twitched with anger. 
 Once the night begins, Sharkleen and Dog Lover arrive to help Andi judge the men. 

The night was pretty standard. 
Dudes take their clothes off. 
Marcus impresses Andi. 
Someone grinds on Chris Harrison.  
"I'd rather be hosting 'Super Market Sweep'...."

We all LOL because yes you do.
Brian the teacher takes off his clothes. 
 This lady pretty much sums up how I felt in that moment as well. 

They raise a lot of money and the various charities who usually look forward to large checks will be treated to a damp envelope full of loose change and singles. 

As most things go, after the show was the after party, and for some the after party turned into the hotel lobby. 

 The beginning of the party went well. 
Brian told Andi how he was nervous as a teacher, stripping. 
He told her he hoped his kids were proud. 
I don't know about the kids but I was proud. 
 Josh pulled Andi aside and told her not to stereotype him as just the athlete. 
He was so much more than that. 
 Andi stated she had put him in that role, and was glad that he called her out. 
I don't know why it's a bad thing to be thought of as the athlete, but whatever. 
He's a man with feelings and demands to be heard. 
(insert the biggest eye roll ever)

That's when the night took a turn. 
Craig, seemingly super intoxicated, began to recap his day. 
He said that when Josh ripped open his shirt...
 he thought:
"Josh I want to kill your face."
A healthy reaction. 

 Things continued to spiral when the Phantom belted a song into her face for no reason. 
If there is one thing I hate most in this world it is watching someone sing at someone else. 
 Craig decides it's time to get some 1:1 time with Andi, and goes on a search for her.
 Is it just me or does it seem like Craig talks to everyone like they're a puppy?
"WHEREEEEES ANDIIIII?! OHHHH THERE SHE IS! WHOS A GOOD GIRL?!"

Once he finds her, she tells him she's an open book and to ask her anything. 
His question?
What's the worst thing....about your parents?
 To be fair, you did say anything Andi. 

After that him and Bald Golfer swan dive into the pool. 

Andi hears them having fun without her and she loses her effin' mind. 
To recap there are 2 out of 13 guys in the pool. 
Everyone else is there to get to know her and talk to her. 
The two in the pool concern her so much, that she starts to doubt why she's there in the first place. 
She went from cool laid back, to "WHO ARE YOU ON THE PHONE WITH? IS IT YOUR MOM AGAIN? TELL HER NOT TO CALL HERE" crazy in 0 seconds flat. 

Maybe I'm way off base, but does Andi remind anyone else of, 
"The girl you don't want to talk to at a party" from SNL? 

Craig continues on his Godzilla like path of destruction and pushes one of the guys into a stove (rude), and is sent home by the producers. 

Andi gathers the men and lets them know that she's taking this very seriously and that she wants them to have fun...unless she's not there. 
Then they are to sit in the living room, playing the game statue until they are called. 

The group date rose goes to Marcus, who she said "did good" during his solo. 
Nu-uh Andi he did well.


The final one on one date went to the Farmer, and I want him to win all the things all the time. 
He was so cute and excited when he got the date card that I could've wept. 
I mean I didn't. 
But I could've. 

He showed up to their date at the race tracks, and Andi told him he would have a room to pick out a new outfit for the day. 
As he left I was thinking to myself, this has a "Pretty Woman" vibe. 
Then when he returned LOOKING LIKE THIS:
 He said, "I FEEL LIKE I'M IN PRETTY WOMAN."
So here's what I'm proposing...
We all dream dreams and pray prayers that consist of Chris never getting another rose, and wishing into the universe that he becomes my boyfriend. 
He made a "Pretty Woman" reference y'all. 
Only if he then rolled his eyes like Liz Lemon, or cracked open a Diet Pepsi could it have been more transparent that we are soul mates. 

During the races, they conveniently sat next to a couple that had been together for 50 years.  
 They said cute stuff, and I realized that I wanted to be an old couple with Chris more than Andi did. 
I mean at one point she made this face while that beautiful angel was talking about his previous engagement. 
You don't love him like I do Andrew.
 (I'm assuming that's what Andi is short for.)

She gave him a rose and they ended up having a private concert with two hippies.

Andi said her date with Chris was reassuring that there were guys there for the right reasons. 
Again, referring to the two dummies that jumped in the pool. 
2 duds out of 19 (well really 4 if you count the Phantom and Trody (Troll Cody)) isn't that bad. 

During the rose ceremony guys did their best to impress Andi. 
Especially the ones that didn't see her all week. 
Nick created his own 1:1 date
 Marquel wore that tie/shirt combo...
At one point there were sock puppets....

Josh M. made another move and blushed a lot. 
They danced with no music, which is #2 on my Barf City Gross list. 

I feel like he's going to be in the top 3, if he's not the one who has the girlfriend in next week's two episode event. 

Craig made a last ditch attempt to win Andi over by writing her a song that didn't really rhyme. 

With lyrics like "I bared my junk to 13 other guys" I thought he was going to get a guaranteed rose. 
Alas he was sent home with Bald Golfer, and hot Carl. 

Next week there are TWO episodes so come back for recaps Monday and Tuesday. 
Who do you think has the girlfriend?
I read online that it was Eric, but I'm interested to see how that plays out. 

What were your favorite moments from this week?
Did you cringe as much as I did? 
Are you wondering where you can get Craig's song as your next ringtone like me?


17 comments:

  1. Your recaps are absolutely my favorite thing about this show. (Although, did you mean Emily Dickinson, or Charles Dickens?) I didn't get to watch this week, but thanks to your recap, I don't have to.

    Thoughts:
    --"Trody": I die. Too funny! He is the creepiest, skeeziest looking guy of all time. I have no idea how he is still around.
    --Andi being bad at snowboarding and everything: It annoys me when women pretend that they aren't competent at anything in order to seem more attractive. The type of guy who really wants a woman who is 100% incompetent is not a catch. So knock it off, Andi.
    --Brian the teacher is going to have an excellent time next time parent teacher conferences roll around.
    --re: Andi's pool tantrum: Somebody's high maintenance. Proposer beware! And yes, she's TOTALLY the party girl from SNL. Great call!
    --I want to see Chris make it a long way so that we can see Andi on a farm. And perhaps even Andi thinking about becoming a farmer's wife. I cannot think of something she would be less suited for. Instead of checking out "total gang signs," she could be checking feed in a hog farrowing house. Amazing. Let us have it, ABC!

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    Replies
    1. You're totally right. Emily Dickinson. Im an idiot.

      Thanks so much for reading!

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  2. Gosh I think you and I are soul mates.

    -Can we talk about the kiss between Farmer and Andi? It was painful to watch because a.) she was like not letting him actually kiss her the way a woman should be kissed and b.) I am not Andi.
    -Cocktail Craig was my hero even through last night because he reminds me of myself if I were ever on the Bachelor. I know I would have no chance in hell so I would drink all the free booze and eat all the ramen I could get.
    - Eric *sob* Is it just me or did they have the most normal conversation ever on this show?
    - Cody looks like a steroid version of Macklemore and it makes me barf a little in my mouth
    - Andi is TOTALLY that girl on SNL but less funny

    See you next week

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    1. Soulmates for sure. I thought it was super painful watching Chris and Andi kiss too! She was arching all the way back into a back flip at one point.

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  3. I watch the show ONLY so I can read your recaps. So excited for the double header next week!

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  4. First of all:
    -TROLL JEWEL. TRODY. HAHAHAAHA!
    -ANDREW. HAHAHAHAAAA!

    2. I was super disappointed that Andi/Andrew turned in to the old whiny-ass Andi from The Bachelor. BOO. First episode I thought she was gonna be alright, but she didn't do so hot this time.

    3. Chris. Best ever. And he's from Iowa like I am SO WHY DID I NOT FIND HIM AND KEEP HIM FOREVER ALREADY. Chris for Bachelor because I think he could do better than Andi.

    Until next time!



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    1. I'm moving away from wanting Chris to be the Bachelor....because I want him to be my boyfriend.

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  5. Craig...even sober the man seemed like an obnoxious idiot. Or maybe we never saw him sober?? I liked Andi last season but I am not a fan yet. Staaaaaahp.

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    1. I think it's the second one...we've never seen him sober.

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  6. I'm gonna need you to look up "hot Carl" on Urban Dictionary immediately. And then vomit with me.

    I refuse to watch this show but your recaps crack me upppp.

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  7. First of all: Trody. So brilliant. You have enriched my life in so many ways, Jones.

    Second: is it just me or does Andi have a serious case of BRF (Bitchy Resting Face)? She looks so pissed whenever she's "listening intently". But as a longtime BRF cardholder myself, I won't judge... too much.

    Third: someone needs to instruct girlfriend on how to not hold those roses like she's wishing on a star or something.

    And lastly: to jump on your train of shot-doing every time Andi says "like" and "literally", I think whenever she says "stop" while one of the guys is simply sharing about himself should be added to the shot list. I was tipsy 10 minutes in.

    Okay, that's it. Again, thank you Jones for bringing awesomeness to us on the weekly. Never ever stop :)

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  8. The gem belly button is absolutely the best. I lub you and also Chris the farmer because he is heaven sent to television for us to look and love e'ryday.

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  9. LOVE EVERYTHING!

    I thought Craig said, "What is the worst thing about your appearance?" Which is, in my opinion, a complete asshat thing to say-but if it was "parents"…that's not much better.

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