May 20, 2014

Welcome to the Gang...

Last night was the first episode of Andi's season, and I think the thing I was most excited about was the fact that they used her old video package, where she gave us my favorite gem of all,

"I mean this just says, 'Welcome to the gang....'"


It actually says "Billy or Die..." but sure Welcome to the Gang works...
 My other favorite moment from her introduction was the court reporter who clearly knew that this was a setup.
If you look at her court record it reads,
"beep bop boop boopity boop boop iwastoldChrisHarrisonwouldbehere beep"

Andi walked through a park, sat on a bench for .3 seconds
and was up and ready to go meet the man of her dreams.

There was a super cheesy montage of her trying on clothes, she had a heart to heart with her "sissy" and picked out her dress.
She told her sister she was going to kiss guys on national television.
I personally was shocked by that information because this is a show where only side hugs, and chaperoned dates happen, even in the fantasy suite.
JK that's the Duggars.

Seeing her in the house reminded me of the days when we thought Juan Pablo was the cutest as he got ready with Camilla.
Memories.

During the opening I realized that if I had a drink for every time she said "like" and "literally" I would been pronounced real drunk by any nearby breathalyzer.

Before she began to meet the men, she proclaimed,
"Like I can be engaged by summer."
Profound. 

The dudes start rolling in without audition tapes and I was super bummed out.
Those are the best part.
However, the guys were pretty awkward city without the extra footage so I'll forgive the producers...for now.

The first one out of the limo was Marcus, who said he had a lot to give and wanted Andi to keep him forever.
Slow down pal.
Act like ya been there before.

Then, the newest love of my life appeared.
Chris the farmer was truly adorable and perfect and angels sang.

Tasos wasn't as gross as I thought he was going to be.
He talked about loving to travel and about the lock bridge in Paris.
I already knew about that bridge because Leslie and Ben from Parks and Rec were already there, but I appreciated his attempt to recreate the moment by bringing his own lock.

I personally would have liked it better had he locked them both to the fence, and monopolized the rest of her night.
It would have saved her from talking to Cody, who showed up pushing the limo.
His jacket was terrible.
His popped collar was worse.
His tan angered me.
I was immediately over him.

Then came Rudie.
 He promised us some great "lawyer humor."
And he did not disappoint because who doesn't CRACK UP when they hear a Voluntary 4th Waiver joke?

A Voluntary 4th Waiver walks into a bar...

Riding on that same joke train our friend Dr. Murder arrived, and told Andi she looked like she had a fever, becausssssse SHE WAS REALLY HOT.
And we laughed and laughed.
And he said, "No seriously, you look clammy, have a seat."

Patrick arrived to kick a soccer ball a la Andi's introduction.
 He then told her he didn't need the soccer ball and kicked it into the neighbor's yard.
I kind of hoped that he would kick the ball into the limo and have it ricochet back into his stomach, but people in Hell want ice water.

The crowning jewel of the night was when Emil showed up. 
His name is not E-meal as I once thought. 
It's Amal. 
Or as he LITERALLY DESCRIBED IT, 
"ANAL WITH AN M."

 ANAL WITH AN M.
TO REPEAT HE SAID,
ANAL WITH AN M.
I CAN'T Y'ALL.
I CANNOT.

*Spoiler alert* He didn't get a rose, but there are so many missed opportunities for punsssss.
Dammit Amal.
I wonder if he left out the back door.
No?
I'll stop.

The hairstylist brought a lamp from the hotel.
Chris Harrison was seen halting production, and dragging Brick and his light back to the hotel's front desk.
It was said that his cries of "I love lamp," can still be heard in the mansion.

Craig arrived and was quite the party starter.
He was a little extra for me.
Did anyone catch how he screamed,
"YOU LOOK AMAZING"
when Andi walked into the cocktail party?
Keep it down pal.

The Phantom of the Opera showed up and was less than stellar.

I was surprised with Nick arrived via golf cart. His bald spot and skeleton body wasn't as prevalent as it was in the pictures.
He was actually super cool, and I think he'll be fun on the show.

Mike insisted on acting like they had met in a normal scenario i.e. a bar.
He failed to tell producers he was half robot, because his introduction was pretty rigid.
"Hi. My. Name.Is.Camps."
There was no justification as to why he was called Camps but just left it as that as he
walked like a rusted tin man into the house.

Then they show Eric Hill, the contestant who passed away after the show.
Had we not known his unfortunate outcome I would have thought he was going to be the final guy.
His story was amazing, and he had zero douche qualities about him, which is hard to say for dudes on this show.

 Once inside the mansion, or as Andi called it, Burlington Coat Factory, she took her time wearing each man's jacket, while asking them a variety of questions.

Marquell truly stole my heart when he did a cookie tasting with Andi.
He told her that cookies were the loves of his life.
Finally, a man that gets it.

I'm going to be 100% real with y'all.
I would have given those cookies the first impression rose.

Meanwhile at the bottom of the driveway we were shown this security officer holding a bouquet of roses from a man who was dying to meet Andi.


It turns out it the mystery man was Chris B. from Emily's season.
He told producers that he had been out in California for seven days, alone, trying to find out information about taping.
 The producer says he'll go get Harrison and we are thrown back into the party scene in the house.

Andi was doing her best, "Fat Guy in a little coat" impression
 Played a little golf...
and fell in like (yeah I said it) with the other Nick.
He seems like a straight up delight and I hope he doesn't become a huge fartbag as the season rolls on.


Also the Phantom began to sing, and then dragged Andi to the basement.

Patrick and Andrew bonded over their douche hobbies and realized that they were a "higher caliber" of guys and just got each other.
So their bromance will be one for the story books I'm sure.

Back in the driveway the security guard started to catch on to Chris's true motives of being at the mansion:
All those coffeemate creamers in the fridge.

Andi, still having no clue what was going on outside, decided to quiz Cody on how many fingers she was holding up.
"This one always trips me up Andi, but I think I got it....9?"


Chris Harrison finally pulled Andi aside and told her about Chris B.
She ultimately decided that she wasn't interested but kept saying, "she just couldn't do it to the guys."
She said that they had gone thru so much to meet her, sitting in hotels, waiting in limos, you know really hard stuff, to prove their commitment.
Why would she just let Chris B. come wandering into the house after he essentially slept on the sidewalk waiting for filming to start.

I think my biggest concern is that Chris B. couldn't figure out a better way to reach out to Chris Harrison.
Kacie B. made it happen on Sean's season and she twirled a baton for a good 15 minutes during her hometown.

Then my beautiful farmer appeared and washed all Chris B. worries away.

He was literally the most perfect.
I don't know if he's around for long but if not, let's make sure he's around for Bachelor Pad, Bachelor Island, Bachelor in Space, etc.

Andi ended up giving Nick her first impression rose.
#nailedit

During the ceremony, I was surprised that she gave roses to the tan troll, and party guy Craig.
They seem icky.

Unfortunately Rudie did not get a rose, and was pretty bummed out about it.

Dr. Murder broke our hearts by telling us that he doesn't have much to go home to...
and then walked into the darkness never to be seen again.

Josh B. had a solid meltdown. 
He claimed he had embarrassed himself and was just going to go home to go on a lot of vacations. 
A lot of vacations sounds like an odd way to recuperate from a pretty uneventful appearance on a reality show but if that's what makes him feel better...
I believe that he should have used his 1:1 time more wisely, and not given her the family recipe to the pasta sauce she raved about.
Why buy the cow, ya know?
Internal Monologue was probably something like this: "Dammit Josh, every time, you think a girl likes you, you give her the ingredients and she drops you like you're hot.  But you're not hot. You're an IDIOT."

 It looks like it's going to be a pretty solid season.
Tears, traveling, more tears, dude on dude yelling.
I can't wait.

What are your thoughts?
A group of duds or did you think there were some goodies?
Leave your thoughts so we can gossip like good internet frangs are supposed to.


31 comments:

  1. I don't watch this show but I always love to read your recaps! You are hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  2. So, for the first time ever I read your recap before watching the show (what? I've been busy watching back seasons of Survivor - for real, I'm hooked). And I was questioning if I wanted to commit to another season of these shenanigans. After reading this though, the answer is yes. Yes, I do. I reserve the right to fast forward through any up and coming singer/songwriter performance, any activity involving bungee cords or helmets, and any and all sweeping camera shots clearly coming from the bow of a helicopter. This show needs to get some new tricks.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ahhh...your comments and screen shots. Love it. I don't get the casting of some of these guys. For instance, tan troll?? For realz, are there people outside of New Jersey that are attracted to that?

    And Rudie. Bless his heart. But did casting not notice his fro and dorkie-ness during the interviews?

    And I'm not sure if I can handle Kalon II (aka Patrick). Pretentiousness drives me crazy.

    Lastily, I was actually disappointed in the cookie shot. It looked like a bunch of Kroger bakery cookies slapped on to a plate. I'm not a fan of those icing ones. Give me a platter of Great American Cookie Co. cookies and I have would have hollered for Chris Harrison, thrown away all roses (but one), called in Neil Lane and proposed on the spot.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm going to go for the long shot and pick my early favorite as Marquel! He's hot! And I liked that whole black/white cookie thing. It looked like she kept him around for a while too!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. The only reason I'm happy this show is back is for this blog. True story! Hilarious!!! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dr. Murder...I can't even...

    ReplyDelete
  7. We called the tan troll Cabbage Patch. Because his hair looks like a Cabbage Patch tuft.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am reading your blog for the first time, having clicked over from Camp Patton. I know nothing about you other than the two Bachelorette posts that I just read, but you. are. hilarious. Please keep this up all season and I promise to read.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Seconding Mary's comment. Love Bachelor shizz. Love this recap. Will be back.

    ReplyDelete
  10. http://www.ju.edu.jo/home.aspx
    Jordan University
    [url]http://www.ju.edu.jo[/url]

    ReplyDelete