Jul 30, 2014

Finally...I mean Finale...


Well folks we made it through another season. 
Let's all pat ourselves on the back, and hope that we are rewarded with a certain Bachelor.
You know the one.
Hot.
Farmer.
(More on him later.)

Chris Harrison informed us that we were in for a THREE hour ride. 
I wasn't quite sure I was hydrated enough for that journey, but I was going to just have to risk pulling a hammy.
He told us that we were in for a dramatic night.
The man Andi didn't pick had been trying to get in touch with her while she was vacationing in Mexico and at the Men Tell All, and she wanted none of it. 
Then said, "She can't run now." 
So we all knew we were about to be uncomfortable. 

Nick was the first to meet Andi's parents. 
Clearly he was super into it. 
All serial killers men kiss with their eyes open.
Nick was nervous.
Which Andi loved, and called him out for. 
Because nothing says "Let's make this easy for you" better than showcasing your potential husband's dry mouth and anxiety.

Nick also said he felt like the meeting wasn't going well, which kind of confused me because I thought it was fine. 
Bland like a plain spaghetti noodle...but fine. 

Nick spent time with Andi's mom. 
He kept telling her that Andi was IT for him, and that he loved her like he's never loved anyone before. 
Eventually Andi's mom told him to knock that shit off stop because she was going to cry.
If I blink long enough, he'll disappear. 

Between him talking to Andi's mom, and Andi talking to her sister it was determined that if they had a child its first word would be "like."

The date was so boring, and so obviously lame. 

Nick asked Hy for his permission, 
and he said "LOL sure." 
When it was time for him to say goodbye Nick was convinced he was it.
The jam on the toast.
The whole shabang. 
Everything she wanted and more.
The salt to her pepper
The bread to her butter. 
The salsa to her chip.
I'm hungry. 

Nick said that he could tell how excited she was to see him again.
Really I think she was just pumped to look great in a backless dress.

If I was wearing that dress, it would like a Sharpei's face was busting out of the back. 

Up next was Josh.
Andi prefaced his arrival by saying that he was her type and a former athlete.
Which put everyone on high alert.
I'm not sure if she dated a football player that spiked her into the ground, but athlete is a dirty word to the Dorfmans.

He showed up loud and in true Josh fashion "super nervous."
Like super sweaty, which is a thing I too suffer from.

Mrs. Dorfman was not all about it.
She called him "boisterous and very chaotic." 
If sweating a lot and talking loud is chaotic then she does not want to see me at any bbq or outdoor summer event: 
"Hi, I'm Ashley, so nice to meet you. I'm so sorry I sweated into your pasta salad, but it was truly delish. Thanks for the invite that I'll never receive again!" 
"She will never play mahjong with my friends."

Throughout the date they asked him a lot of athlete and relationship questions.
What sport did he play?
Had he been in a serious relationship?
Did he even lift, bro? 

During their date they held hands and showed emotion which was nice.
Josh also asked for Hy's blessing, and you could tell the difference in his response. 
I also think he knew that he could get a lot of free sports swag should he become his son in law. 
What could Nick get him?
A sharp set of knives? 

Side note: Did anyone notice how much Andi's sister and brother in law touched each other? 
Never let go. Ever. Or else.
We get it.
You're together.

The last date with Josh happened on a boat, that held some significance.
I stopped listening to her explanation because I was so distracted by Josh's loud kissing noises. 
He always says, "MWAH!" after every kiss.
As my friend Natalie said, 
Do less Josh. 
Do less. 

Andi seemed really nervous because she felt like Josh was too good to be true.
He told her he was ready to be with only her, and then they pulled a "if you jump, i jump" Titanic move, and bingo bango they're in the water. 
Then they made out because nothing says romance like treading water and kissing.
He did look really adorable in that snorkle.

Later Josh showed Andi his room, after doing what can only be described as heavy calisthenics from the heavy mouth breathing he was doing.

He had a gift for her, a personalized baseball card.
It was the cheesiest of all the cheese but actually very sweet.
He added a gross adorable fact that her "husband Josh has never missed a day saying I love you..."
So whatever.
Love is nice.


I'm going to be real honest.
I have never been so bored on a last date during a finale in my life.
Even on Juan Pablo's season there was some drama, but Nick was a SNOOZE.
He said that Andi made him feel alive,
which I'm assuming he needed to keep saying since the feeling was new, as he is dead inside.
This is your new prison....I mean my room, come in and enjoy.
He was curious if Josh was still in the picture, but didn't really care because he knew it was him. 
He was rambling and then gave her a necklace that had a vial of his blood sand from the beach where they had a date.
Compared to a baseball card: lame.

Andi asks Nick to tell him what a day would be like in Chicago.
He said, he'd wake up, go to work, kidnap a runner at lunch, text her he loves her, and then make out when he got home. 
Solid life. 

Nick kept saying that Andi was giving him all the right signs that he was the one. 
If you recap the conversation, she says "It's going to be alright." 
To me that doesn't mean to cue this.

He said that he knew in his gut that he was the one she was going to chose. 
(Crickets chirp.)

The next day everyone is either pantless or shirtless and pondering the big day. 


Neil Lane shows up to Josh's door and he picks out a ring.
Then there's a knock at Picnic Nick's door and you think: Neil Lane?
NOPE.
Andi.

Cut to the live audience, and who is the first person they talk to? 
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SOMEONE BUTTON UP A JACKET IN A HOTTER FASHION?
They asked him what he thought Nick was going through, and I know he said something but I was too distracted by his perfect face to really be sure. 

Then some trollop interrupted
and I was like what do you want?!
And then she asked who the next Bachelor was going to be and then Chris Harrison touched CHRIS'S SHOULDER HINTING THAT IT WAS GOING TO BE HIM.

And then I physically passed away. 
This is a hologram typing from the Heavens because I died. 

Dead. I am dead.

Back to the show.
Andi showed up and Nick knew his murder plot had been foiled.
When someone starts a conversation with, "You said the last time you got engaged," you know it's not going to end well. 
She said that she didn't feel like she was in love with him.

Then Nick asked her if it was someone else.
Um. 
Yep.
Thats exactly what it is.
He said that he felt like a fool, and that when she said "I wish I could say things back," he took that as she wanted to say I love you. 
Maybe she wanted to say "Thanks but no thanks" but she can't send 2 people in the top 3 home early. 
That ruins production.

He said that she asked him to trust her and he did, and she took things too far. 
Look I'm not Andi's number one fan, but she really did him a solid but not letting him pick out the ring. 

Naturally it started to rain, and everyone cried.

So that left Josh.
He showed up in a suit that was real tight.
I mean to the point where we all could see his dumps like a truck, truck, thighs like what, what, what. 


He talked a lot. 
I got really bored. 
I think he said, 
"I used to love the baseball diamond, but now I want to give a diamond to the girl I love." 
Or something to that effect.
Then he said, "Will you marry me with this free ring?"
She said yes and then they basically had a "no you hang up first" battle of who loved each other more.
I couldn't capture the amount of sweat pouring off of Josh but believe it can be best captured by his matted hair seen here: 

Then they sat on the dock with this oddly placed vase and lived happily ever after.

Cut to After the Rose where things got DICEY.

Chris Harrison said that Nick was devastated, more than they've ever seen before.
They did a recap of where he was now and how much he and his mom cried. 
They showed him at the Men Tell All dropping off the long ass note he wrote her which can be found here.

Then he comes out and talks about how upset he was and how all he wants to do is talk to her. 
He's had MONTHS to think about this, and as soon as she comes out he says nothing. 
And the dry mouth. 
Holy S. 
The dry mouth. 
It was like he drank bleach from  the bleachable moment commercials. 

Then he did something real rude. 
He said, 
"If you didn't love me then why did you make love with me." 


Skeeeeeeeeert. 
That's when it hit me. 
He didn't give one f if he ended up with Andi but he did want to save face. 
So why not play the wounded puppy, and shame her on national television for sleeping with him.
Not cool player. 
Not cool. 

Overall I thought Andi handled it well. 
I felt super bad for her though because Nick clearly took things too far. 

Josh came out and they looked super happy. 

Brookes Forrester from Desiree's season on the other hand....not so much.

Finally they brought out Andi's twin, Grumpy Cat.
Andi didn't know who, Grumpy Cat was which personally offended me but I got over it. 


All in all it was a good finale. 
Nick is a jerk. 
They didn't announce anything big.
But still a satisfactory ending. 

If you read Chris Harrison's blog, you'll read that there are heated debates going on for who the next Bachelor should be. 
I don't know what's so heated about it.
There's clearly one option and one option only.


22 comments:

  1. Perfect, as usual. My sister-in-law and I will miss your tweets and recaps until FARMER CHRIS(!!!)

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    Replies
    1. Watch Bach in Paradise with me!

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  2. Thank you for making this season great with your recaps. If bachelorette blogs got roses I'd give you them all

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    Replies
    1. in andi's own words "stoppppppppp" you are too kind!

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  3. I live in Phoenix, though, and I have heard of people seeing Ari being filmed. So, as much as I want farmer Chris to be bachelor, I'm not sure that's going to happen. :( :( :(

    AWESOME recap. Giggling as usual.

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    Replies
    1. I read that too! Apparently they are filming packages for both. But I think that they are going to be chased in the streets if it's not Chris! And to clarify: I will be chasing them.

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    2. Maybe they will do a double bachelor! I think they're both beautiful. haha.

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  4. Thank you for your sacrifice of watching this season...I really really tried but it just bleeeeeew (not really sure which letter to repeat to emphasize the blowing). But I thoroughly enjoyed your recaps and I'm positive Chris Harrison reads this on the regular and will listen to the demands for farmer Chris. Please find another Emmy-winning show to recap for us in the meantime :)

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  5. I can't watch Josh walk. Besides the over tight pants that he always wears, his butt. Is he trying to not poop all the time? !

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  6. A new hashtag you might enjoy, started by Chris himself is #farmerneedsawife.
    You should tweet this every day. Thanks for your recaps. Looking forward to Bachelor in Paradise recaps.

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  7. I don't even think I would know how to process the awesomeness that would be Chris as the next Bachelor and you recapping it!

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