Amazing Hors d'oeuvres
This week was 1000x better than any episode of the 'Bachelor' because we were joined by Jimmy Kimmel.
He arrived to wake up Chris, who not surprisingly sleeps like a precious angel.
We also found out that we would totally be able to do a pretty efficient B&E of Chris's apartment as long as he was asleep because Jimmy Kimmel had to get right up on him in order to wake him up.
Jimmy tells Chris that he'll be helping him this week with the dates and to get dressed and ready for the day.
Then he headed to the house that hair spray built--the ladies mansion.
Chris Harrison told the women they were going to be joined by someone special to help with dates that week.
One of the women literally said,
"Is it an animal?"
Why would it be an animal?
What animal could possibly help plan dates?
Jimmy told them he was a Bachelor expert and knew that they used "amazing" as a describing word pretty frequently.
If anyone used that word during the week they'd
Not unlike the douche bag jar Schmidt has on 'New Girl'.
The first date was with Canadian Kathy Griffin (CKG).
Their date was promised to be a location with high ceilings and unlimited hor d'oeuvres.
As they pulled up to the spot, they reacted the same way a person who was dropped in the middle of Fallujah.
Which was truly disappointing, because they got dropped off at the best place on earth:
I live for Costco.
1. You can make a whole meal out of free samples.
2. They have churros that are $1
3. They have the best paper towels and toilet paper.
4. According to this lady (and my dad) they have excellent cooked chickens.
Chris and CKG were asked to purchase a few things for Jimmy, including enough ketchup to fill a hot tub.
A real life date//activity that you would do as a couple.
I thought it was a great idea.
The way Chris talked about how great CKG was for handling the date so well, made me fairly irritated.
They didn't drop her off at a women's correctional facility, they're at a store where you can buy bagel bites in quantities of 48 or more.
Towards the end, Chris did say, "who needs helicopters when you have Costco," so I do think he came around.
I hope to find the love of my life in Costco if we're being honest.
Our hands can brush as we both reach for the last broccoli cheddar Hot Pocket sample...which he'll let me have because he's a true gentleman.
They find out that they are going to be making Jimmy dinner, so they go back to the house.
There they talk and make out and my heart dies a little inside.
Her laugh further crippled my soul as it reminded me of the duck ringtone option on my iphone.
Jimmy arrived and made things much better.
Through his conversations with CKG, we found out that she dated a "legit" farmer who milked cows.
Uh...please do not diminish that lovely man's profession because he doesn't have a damn cow.
Jimmy asked if she would be upset if he slept with everyone in the fantasy suite.
She said no and that it's part of the process.
You know because she's so cool and understanding...she's not like those other girls.
Let's all remember that moment, because if she sticks around (which I feel like she might) we'll need to remind her of it when she loses her mind with jealousy.
He ends up giving her the rose, and they make out while Jimmy eats chicken wings in the hot tub.
The group date consisted of a Double Dare challenge where the women had to shuck corn, crack an egg, milk a goat, drink the goat milk, shovel poop, and catch a greased pig.
I'm not sure if you knew this but Jillian, is strong and competitive, and was assured she was going to win.
I honestly don't know why she feels the need to show her birth canal in every scenario but at this point it's more puzzling when the black box isn't covering her
I thought she was a shoe in to win the whole thing but the cruise ship singer pulled out the W and got to spend 10 minutes with Chris.
Later, Carly capitalized on her victory by asking Chris for some more alone time.
She gave him the best pick up line I've heard in quite some time:
"I'm a woman, you're a man."
Then dove right in for a kiss.
She told him she knows she's girly and sweet (how I talk about myself as well, especially in interviews) but she wanted to take charge.
Meanwhile Vegetable's mom believed that she was the first one in the house to be kissed.
And now seeing how many girls have gotten kissed, she feels like her's wasn't as special.
Britt was the first one kissed.
No one knows because she didn't give a detailed play by play like that ole frizzy bag of hair.
He said "because..."
She responded very adult by saying "he probably hatesssss me."
I hate you.
Something that brought me a lot of joy was how annoyed the other women seemed when Veg's mom talked about their conversation.
She's playing dumb to seem cute, and it's the total opposite.
The best part of the whole date was the conversation Chris had with Becca on the roof.
She also didn't kiss him right away so that will work in her favor.
Mainly when everyone contracts mono from making out so much.
I hope she sticks around.
The final 1:1 date was with the squeak toy known as Whitney.
The date took place in a winery.
Whitney asked Chris what he was looking for in a wife.
He said someone who could shoot the shit.
She responded with, "I meet a lot people at the airport."
So she's one of those people.
Although she said she's friends with her airport homies on Facebook, I kind of believe that all just wanted to eat their airport snacks and charge their phones in peace.
In the distance they see a wedding.
Whitney declares "yolo" and says they should crash the wedding.
You know because she's so spontaneous.
I have a feeling the most spontaneous she's ever been is that time she didn't use a flat sheet while making her bed.
When they show up to the wedding they go over their story.
They had a pretty detailed back story and if I've learned anything from "Oceans 11" it's that you don't give too many personal details when planning a heist.
So note to self: don't plan on committing crime with those two.
Whitney was also real jazzed to tell everyone she was engaged to Chris.
So that's going to end super well when their relationship goes down in flames.
I also found it extremely hard to believe that any self respecting Bachelor fan wouldn't question their claims based on the knowledge of their traditional filming schedule.
Unfortunately, Whitney didn't catch the bouquet bringing her stats to 8 out of 11 weddings.
Here's the thing about that: You have already caught 8 boo, and nothing has happened.
That 9th one wasn't going to get you a deal at the wedding store.
In the end everything was just fine.
The couple, Shannon and Nick, had delightful taste.
Hopefully there were given a substantial gift card to the Container Store for their troubles.
Instead of a rose ceremony we were treated to another pool party.
Chris wore this sweet necklace...
And Ashley I. was upset she couldn't pull off her Kardashian look.
Literally something she said.
I can sum up the pool party in a couple of sentences.
Jillian monopolized the hot tub.
Jade wore white heels with her bikini, because....duh who doesn't?
Juelia told her tragically sad story about her husband, while Ashley I wept because she didn't have any time with Chris.
I felt like Juelia's story should have been handled a lot more tastefully...
Ashley's cry laughing and suction cup like kissing technique was truly gross.
Literally the sounds of them kissing woke my dog up from his slumber.
Not to mention that she littered her plastic (tacky) daiquiri cup in Chris's yard.
Think of nature Ashley.
Think of this guy.
He can't listen to your problems if he's stuck in your trash.
After her tantrum, Ashley said her confidence level was at a 9, she also told Chris that she preferred when he called her name at the beginning of the rose ceremony.
And that she liked white flowers, diamonds, and not being poor.
The rose ceremony was pretty uneventful.
Ashley I got picked last which made me laugh and laugh.
There were still a lot of people that were picked that I've never seen.
Next week looks about as full of kisses and tears as any typical episode, so I'm looking forward to it.
It's week 3 and so far I still love Chris.
This time last Bachelor season I was already over Juan Pablo, so that's promising.
What about you?
Tell me errything.