Jan 6, 2015

Drunk In Love...


The premiere arrived this week and it did not disappoint!

The episode was THREE hours.
Talk about a commitment.

The first hour was primarily a red carpet pre-show, that made me want to float away in to the heavens.
It was painful to watch.

To be clear I did, but I was praying to all that was holy that Marcus would attempt to kidnap Andi to make it at least a little eventful.

The one thing they did spend a lot of time on was Nikki and her break up with Juan Pablo.
She said a lot of things, but I could only really focus on her eyebrows.

Her interview was longer than their first introduction of the actual bachelor so I was beginning to worry that they were pushing her to be the next Bachelorette.
(I've been watching a lot of "The Good Wife" lately so I'm convinced everyone is a politician with an alternative motive.)

Did anyone else catch how much she talked about Juan Pablo being in the entertainment industry?
I was under the impression that he just worked for baseball...
Who knows, maybe this summer he'll debut his new boy band....Juan Direction.

.......................


If you're still with me after my last ever Juan Pablo pun, let's move on shall we?


During Chris's introduction they showed a lot of his land.

I don't know what he farms,
vegetable?

but it's pretty and I'm going to take up residency in those fields and make a crop circle of an alien.

Because my love for him is out of this world.



His montage was generally him doing farm things, and making farm metaphors to love.
It turns out I have no idea what farmers do but it looks fun.

Is he wearing shoes?

Then, not unlike his first date with Andi, they gave him his "Pretty Woman" make over and had him do the most farmery farmer things...
Get it Chris? Because you're a farmer?
Then it was on to the women...

The first one we meet is either an actual Disney Princess or a Vanessa Minnillo impersonator. 

She's a feeler, and a hugger and isn't afraid to tell anyone who will listen.
When she meets Chris she hugs him for an extraordinarily long time.
To the point that I was concerned she used hugs as a way to absorb others youth.
After I counted to ten Mississippi, I had convinced myself she was pulling the ole' sleeper hold on him, but she finally let him go...for now

Up next wasAmanda, the ballet teacher.
When asked why she was still single, she replied,
"Because I'm bat shit crazy."

So that was comforting.
When she arrived to the mansion she had the driver give Chris a note, telling him that she was his secret admirer.
And by the way she was dressed, a genie as well.

The rest of the night you could find her making this face:

Spoiler alert: She didn't get a rose.
My theory is that she reminded him of a mean ole woodland creature from the farm.

The fertility nurse also made an impression.
Not only did she ask her dog if Chris could be its daddy, she also asked Chris if he inseminated hogs on his farm.
She then said her job was just like that.
Please see the response from all of her patients below:


We then meet a lady who has a son named Kale.
Like the vegetable.
One of my friends on Twitter now only refers to her as Vegetable's mom, and I would appreciate if you all do the same.


Then, our resident cowgirl showed up in her jean shorts and plaid shirt to show her real side.

She made sure to pick her wedgie right as she got of the limo...just for the added touch of class.

When she walked into the house the women looked at her like she was wearing a dress made out of cheese curls and twizzlers.

She began to regret her decision, changed, and then introduced herself one more time.
This time accentuating her shoulder tattoo.


Ashley, who was either auditioning for Taken 4 or was truly confused as to where they had dropped her off, got out of the car and gave Chris a penny from her sweaty shoe.
"My dad has a particular set of skills..."
She later went on a rampage about riding thru a field of sunflowers on a horse...
Then she found an "onion tree."
She told producers she was going to pick it.
Turns out it was a pomegranate.

Yes folks, that happened.
Then this old wind bag showed up.

And told Chris that he could plow her field any day.
I'm not trying to be a prude, but do not talk to my precious angel that way.

Chris Harrison came out after 15 women had been introduced.
Harrison told Chris to go in the house to meet the women.
The ladies were all surprised because normally there were more to come.
One woman even said, "they had 27 women for Juan Pablo and he was a douche."
Well said m'friend.
Well said.

Chris walked into the house, and the old wind bag asked if she should tell a joke because she usually makes people laugh.
Chris said, "After I talk."
And Kathy Griffin promptly shut her mouth.
Until after his speech where she told another really lame kinda gross joke.
I feel as though I'm going to be over her fairly quickly. 

As he began talking to the first 15 , I thought....these ladies look like all the ladies that got sent home the first night from the other seasons.

I think they may be recycling contestants. 

The women sitting in the house repeatedly count how many of them there are, and convince themselves that there have to be more.

Then shocker of all shockers, 2 more limos arrive.
The first group breaks out an abacus and TI-83 as more ladies file in the door.

At one point the next group of limos were being called a "special surprise."
No...that's just how it goes.
That's how many people are supposed to be there.

Clearly we couldn't make it through one limo introduction episode without some chick singing into someone else's face.

She physically hurt my heart.

There was a 4th grade teacher who read a letter from one of her students, that said how great of a person she was.
If one of my college students wrote a note to Chris it would say,

"This lady talks about her dog a lot and she gave me an alcohol sanction once. She kinda sucks but maybe if she gets a boyfriend she'll be way more chill. Take one for the team bro and give her that plant or whatever at the end of the show."

After everyone was present and accounted for, they started trying to take each other out so that they could have one on one time with Chris.

I'm pretty sure I saw one of the women pull out the Jumanji board game, hoping that in the jungle one would wait until another biddy rolled a 5 or 8.

Chris ended up giving the first impression rose to Britt, and the were pretty adorable immediately.
She could be great now, but she's got the potential to be a straight bunny boiler so I'm guarding my heart.

As the night went on the women got drunker, and sadder looking.
They started off looking like gorgeous princesses and then by the rose ceremony some of them looked like the beggar from "Beauty and the Beast."


Especially Tara.

As the rose ceremony progressed she hiccuped,  stumbled, and almost fell asleep.
One time the camera went to her and she was so jittery I thought she had money on a game, and needed to check the spread.

Chris left the ceremony to ask Chris Harrison if he was allowed to pick the drunk one.
Harrison said he could give her another try, and much to the other women's dismay Tara was given a rose.

He also gave one to Clare Jr. (Ashley) so it'll be nice to have a little extra crazy around for awhile.

After the unpicked were saying their good byes, one couldn't take no for an answer and made her way back into the house...

We'll have to wait and see what happens next week.
I hope she makes a big scene by declaring a "Winner Takes Rose Match" with the girl of her choosing.

I'm pretty sure he'll just send her home.

I'm excited about this group.
They seem just the right amount of bananas and Chris is 1000% perfect.
Who were your favs?
Who do you wish went home last night?
Tell me errrything.


All images are from abc.com or google image search

15 comments:

  1. Love your recaps, yay to the Bachelor being back on! Ballet teacher and onion chick are crazy freakin town and I can't believe he kept onion chick....she is straight up crazy! I really liked Britt and I also really liked Whitney....that is until she spoke too much....eeek, her voice is a little like nails on a chalkboard and I'm not real sure I can get used to that! Looks like it will be the most dramatic season ever and I am in for the long haul.....bring it!

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  2. Hilarious as always! You have no idea how much I've missed your recaps! When I saw your post on Instagram (yes, I'm one of your Instagram stalkers) that a new blog post was up, I totally did a little happy dance in my office chair ;)

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  3. Onion chick needs to go!!

    I cackled reading this. Thank you.

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  4. Love!!! I think your posts ate better than the actual show, although with Chris as the bachelor, that's a tough call! He is hottie mchotterson and I'm so looking forward to this season!! As for that k ion chick, she is crazy!! Cannot wait to see her play out. Love me some crazy ;)

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  5. I missed you and am so happy to have you and your recaps back! Totally thought of you when Karaoke Carly came out singing. She kinda reminds me of Kristin Chenoweth though so I have to give her a chance. Also, Ashley/Claire Jr looks so much like Courtney Thorne-Smith in Summer School with Mark Harmon. I almost died when the young young lady asked Chris if his alfalfa was organic. Also, I am sure you meant you are "guarding AND protecting" your heart from Brit(t)!

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  6. We've missed you, Jonesy! Spot on!

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  7. these recaps are everything. thank goodness you are back!

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