Jan 14, 2015

Fear Factor

Every week I watch this show, and every week I'm reminded of things I truly fear I may come across in my dating life. 
However these dummies don't blink an eye. 
Through much of this recap I'll take you through several of my oh-no-no's 
Join me on this journey won't you? 


Last week we were left with a cliff hanger. 
Some girl named Danielle was not quite ready to leave. In her heart she was meant to be there. 
So she pulled Chris aside and asked to stay. 
Chris, like any grown man would do, went to his reality tv show host and legal guardian, to ask if it was ok.
Look into my eyes when I tell you..." I do not care."

As the Chris's are coming to a consensus, the other women are shunning her. 
Canadian Carrot Top (I know she's not a red head but she thinks she's hilarious and it's alliteration so go with me...) states that when it's time to leave it's time to go...forever. 
I agree with her...mainly because letting someone else back so soon only teaches the girls bad habits. 
If you set a "no rules" precedent so early, they're just going to keep pushing to see what they can get away with....
Not like I truly care or am already emotionally invested in the rest of Chris Soules' life.

They also introduce where Chris is living this season and say that he's looking forward to a knock on the door. 
At this point they aren't even trying to surprise us with nonsense. 
It's like they're all sitting in a room, and thinking 
"Well...I mean....let them do a B&E this season....whatever. Throw Clare's raccoon in there for fun, why not. Action!"

Chris starts getting ready for his first group date and they show him showering outside again. 
I don't know if they think that makes us consider him rugged and outdoorsy but I'm pretty sure he's a multimillionaire who showers inside on a regular basis. 

To be clear I don't mind the footage but....he's not a hillbilly hand fisher so let the boy in the house.

The date card arrives and tells the girls to show Chris their country. 
Ashley I. says she's more Kardashian than country....
Fun fact: Wayne, NJ is where some of the NJ Housewives live. So...there's that.
We know girl. We know. 

 Chris shows up wearing his best deep v zip hoodie...
"soak it in ladies..."
and tells the girls that he wants to have a pool party! 

Fear 1. Going to a bikini pool party with a hot dude and really pretty girls. 
I believe I've said this in previous seasons, but my bathing suit of choice for this show would be a full scuba suit. 

Then they all started playing chicken because apparently that's the most fun thing ever. 
I prefer a non threatening game of sharks and minnows or "Hey Mom watch me do a handstand" but then everyone is like "Why did she bring her mom?" and I'm all like "Because Barb Jones is my bff and we ride or die." 

But you know whatever I didn't plan the date so I guess I can't criticize too much. 

Also these women are brave to sit on a man's shoulders. 
I just don't want my butt so close to his ears, because farts happen y'all and that's not a real "whoever smelt it dealt it" situation you can play off. 

Then after the party Chris takes them for a walk down the street 
 to a tractor race.

When I heard tractor race I thought,
"Finally all my dreams are coming true, Kevin Bacon and Chris Soules are going to recreate that scene in 'Footloose' and I will need nothing else in my life."

What actually happened was this:

It took them about forever to have a winner, but it ended up being Ashley I. 
Who sat on his lap. 
 Which brings me to my next oh no no...
Ashley Jones does not sit on boys laps.
Not for purity reasons but for proper weight distribution purposes. 

"Hey Ashley why are you shaking?"
"Oh um because I'm working my core trying not to put all of my weight on you, which then cripples you, causing you to lose the farm."
"......"

After some time with the ladies Chris decides to take Vegetable's mom on a date. 
She has about an inch of beer and is wasted. 
She tells Chris that she likes his big nose....
and asks if he had his ears pierced (answer: yes.)
She closes out her interrogation with a question everyone needs to know on their first date:
Did Chris believe in aliens?

 I thought she was asking because she was going to tell us the father of her baby was a Monstar from Space Jam, but yet it was just another Bachelor let down.

She told Chris that she had a kid.
He told her he was 33 and kids didn't scare him. 
That apparently opened a portal into Kale Tales because she gave us a rundown of all his funny faces. 

Like this one
when he sees something he likes. 
Which oddly enough is the face I make when I see something I like. 
So either I'm Kale, and she's my mom....or that's a common face children and humans make.

They kiss one time.
But when she gets home she regales the group with a story, not unlike Elf's as he talks about his walk through the candy cane forest. 
She adds about 15 more kisses than we were actually witness too and all the women start to note her crazy.

Let's back track for a second....
During the group date they cut back to the house where the Scary One from DC and Megan go to Chris' house. 

They blurred out Scary Spice's butt...which fine...maybe it's too much glut for the public


....but they also blur out the front. 


WHY BOTH?

While Scary Spice is claiming things as her own by rubbing her butt cheeks on everything,
Megan is apparently discovering not only her nose, but also what a helmet is and how it works. 


Yep. 
That's her ramming her head into the brick wall. 

It's no surprise that when she gets the first 1:1 date, she doesn't know what to do with the card or what it actually means. 

I eat this?
 When Chris is there to pick her up, she asks him to feel her breast....chest because her heart is beating so fast. 


They end up taking a plane, and then the ole faithful helicopter to the Grand Canyon...or as Helmet Head calls it, "That big ole hole." 

During the date, Megan tells Chris that her father had a major heart attack right before she was supposed to come to LA. 

This is after we learn that one of the other girls in the house, has a daughter and who's husband killed himself soon after she was born.

I don't know if there's a new question on the application that says 
"Have you had a horrific trauma in your life? If so, please check yes. Also yes is your only option so if no, please submit this application to the garbage can." 

Helmet Head is actually pretty sweet and I didn't hate them together. 
I don't know if y'all have been thinking this as you watch, but I think she'd make it on the farm.

As the next group date is read we find out that Scary Spice Jillian looks like she singed her eyebrows off when not wearing any make up.

 I was literally startled. 

The women find out that they are going to be shooting zombies.
Everyone seems to be having a great time, while Ashley S. seems to have taken a large dose of cocaine.
Not only does she continuously shoot the actors after they're down but she walks through the group of zombies  and open paint ball fire, like it's no big deal.

You know what's scarier than zombies?
Child ghosts. 
You know what's scarier than child ghosts?
Ashley S. 

While everyone was trying to get 1:1 time with Chris she was seen pacing and wondering through the property speaking incoherently. 

She had this weird mascara looking container that I can only assume held all of her drugs.

Let's all witness the legit fear and concern Chris has in his eyes.

She tells Chris that he doesn't want to lose the whole world and then speaking only in riddles.
I don't know if her traumatic secret is that she's Rumpelstiltskin's daughter or she's simply that bonkers but she makes me truly uneasy.

Canadian Carrot Top (Kaitlyn) gets 1:1 time with Chris and tells him that she's the entertainer in the house.
If she would stop saying how funny she was maybe I would stop hating her so much.

He and Britt reunite and it's adorable.
I mean I kind of love them. 
But I'm suspicious. 

Canada gets the date rose, and everyone else goes home upset.

At the rose ceremony, Ashley I. tells Vegetable's mom that she's still a virgin. 
Vegetable's mom becomes so jealous and says that guys love virgins, and she she wishes she could claim she was but she has a kid so that jig is up.

Those were the days.
 Ashley I. doesn't tell Chris her "secret" but did tell him to make a wish on her Jasmine belly button ring. 
He wished for a kiss, and then she made him rub the lamp on her belly. 

The final oh no no....a man rubbing my belly// making a wish on it. 
We can all just know why without me explaining why that's terribly tacky and horrifying right?

She also descended on him like a dementor from Harry Potter with that kiss.
Very uncomfy and very aggressive.



The rest of the cocktail party was kinda bland. 

A girl named Jordan was hammered for the 3rd time in a row, and while very entertaining:
she wasn't really coherent enough to utilize time with Chris. 

During the rose ceremony, Scary Spice heard "Jillian" instead of "Juelia" and as she walked to get the rose, bit it pretty hard. 
Meanwhile Juelia stepped by her to claim what was rightfully hers. 


Scary ended up getting a rose too but nothing was more shocking than who he gave the last rose to....

Ashley S! 

WHAT? 
You're telling me that you can be a straight banana sandwich and continue on to next week?
THERE REALLY ARE NO RULES!
There have been a lot of crazies that have made it through but they were wonderful at hiding it in front of the guys.

She straight up jibber jabbered in his face, crawled around on the ground for cats, and had dead eyes and cruised right on to week three.
Amazing. 
Just amazing.

A sad moment came when party girl Tara was left outside crying while everyone cheered inside. 
Those walls are either made of papier-mâché or they place them right next to an open window, because the losers going home can always hear every word of the toast.
It's a rough move, but really emphasizes their misery, thus making for great tv! 

I don't know about you but I'm loving this train wreck already.
I don't know what Jimmy Kimmell is going to be doing next week, but I'm hoping it's having the women read mean tweets. 
Because imma be all over that. 




8 comments:

  1. This season is a straight up hot mess, and I LOVE IT. I don't remember ever having such a high contigent of insanity, but I am so glad either they cast crazies or the producers have decided to start leaving all these batshit moments in the final cuts.

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  2. I'm trying to balance the pure enjoyment of watching how batshit insane Ashley S. is and my genuine concern for her mental health. We may have a Bynes-level situation on our hands.
    In other Bachelor-ish news, have you seen the trailer for the new Lifetime show called "Unreal"? A former Bachelor producer created it and wouldn't you know it's about a show eerily like the Bachelor....looks salaciously promising.

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  3. Ok so I don't even watch the bachelor but I was laughing so hard while I was reading this, my husband came down the stairs asking what was going on. This actually makes me curious to watch the bachelor, just so I can read more of your posts!

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  4. BACHELORETTE CONTENSTANTS READING MEAN TWEETS! I MOTION TO MAKE IT A WEEKLY THING.

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  5. The fact that Captain Insane-o got a rose suggests to me that Chris was pressured into keeping her along for more shenanigans. Britt and Chris are super adorable together, but I have a feeling it's going to fall apart as the weight of him canoodling with others slowly crushes her.

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  6. You know how every week they promise the most "shocking" Bachelor moment in history? I think this episode finally lived up to that, and it was what Jillian looks like without makeup. I'd have never guessed that was her.

    Every single scene with Ashley S. made me think of the words of Donna Meagle: "Yeah. Is there - and I’m just guessing here - some kind of medication that you maybe need a lot of and have taken none of or maybe too much of today?”

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  7. Bahaha this recap was hilarious!! I may or may not have literally LOL-ed at work while reading the pool party commentary... seriously, I would hate that as a date! Can't wait for your next recap!

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