Seeing as it's almost February I was surprised that this week brought:
3 French Braids
and a partridge in a pear tree
It also brought Chris Harrison looking a little hungover on sleepy time tea.
|i woke up like dis.|
Harrison told the ladies that he was there to present them with their first group date as well as let them know that Chris's 3 sisters would be coming in to interview the women.
The one they liked the best would be picked to go on a 1:1 date with their little bro bro.
It was no Jimmy Kimmel but I was intrigued.
The group date girls were chosen and told to ship out.
Chris drove some girls, while the others (Vegetable's mom) had to drive themselves to the most exotic location ever.
A random man made lake, that really only has worms and germs!
Kelsey had a stronger opinion.
She called it a "hell hole" and said that she was making her face skinnier through all of her fake smiling.
To which I replied, "Hold up, what?"
Editors note: I will be fake smiling until all my chins turn into a chin.
She kept complaining and whining about how Michigan has such great lakes.
Like there's some cluster of "Great Lakes" just hanging out in the middle of the United States.
Then she got stung by a bee.
At that point I would have had to show myself to an ambulance as I am allergic.
Canadian Kathy Griffin (CKG) and Virgin Ashley I. used the first 10 to 15 minutes they were in front of water to take off their tops and bottoms and then twist them round their heads, spun em like a helicopter.
Chris told the ladies that the date wouldn't be ending any time soon because they were staying over at the lake and camping!
Ashley I. then made us all laugh and laugh when she informed us that not only was she a camping virgin she was a virgin camping.
|Cue: "I can't find the hole" jokes|
I'm not sure if she's being endorsed by virgins, and every time she says the word or references the fact that she is one, she gets a certain percentage of profit, but dang she talks about that a lot.
None of the mom's talk about their kids as much as she talks about her virginity.
Vegetable's mom tells zero tales but we know extensive information about Ashley I's inexperience.
(I've been waiting to make a Veggie Tales joke for awhile.)
The night proceeded to get a hazy for the ladies.
Mainly because they were hammered drunk.
Ashley S. started singing a song I believe she uses to summon the children in her neighborhood
Megan was drinking whiskey straight from the bottle.
Vegetable's mom was worried about aliens.....again.
But the most shocking thing that happened during the date was that I actually started like CKG.
I didn't think it was going to happen.
But then when she and Chris were talking, she asked how liked to be shown that someone cared about him.
I just thought it was such a nice and thoughtful question.
I also started to like her because she truly loved how weird everyone was.
She digs people watching, and that's my favorite hobby.
She's not my favorite....but I don't hate her.
Ashley S. somehow cornered Chris.
Perhaps it was the full moon that made her powers stronger.
Her conversation with Chris went something like this:
"There's the moon and we're here.
I love you....and everything about you."
And then they went sliding down the hill.
Ashley I. was determined to further prove how frickin' innocent she was by climbing into Chris's tent late at night to tell him she was inexperienced and not a hook up girl.
Then proceeded to make out with him.
Poor Chris, the dude just needs some sleep.
While all the craziness was happening at the "lake," Chris's sisters were at the house interviewing the women.
Britt thought she was the "front runner" (gross)
but I really thought Carly was going to get the date.
She was so sweet, and I may have let out a baby whimper when she said a man had never been nice to her before.
Later she said she wanted to Chris to be like her grandpa, which was sweet in the moment but out of context is a little strange.
The sisters were very nice
and I believe that I will make a solid addition to their family.
After the lake(r) girls came back to the house a golden envelope was delivered, and the woman chosen by Chris's sisters to go on a "princess date"
Naturally, because it was princess themed she needed a fairy godmother.
She told Jade that she got to keep the "Loobs" and Neil Lane diamond earrings, and that's when the women were startled by a large explosion in the living room.
Ashley I.'s head flew straight off her body
Ashley's reaction to the fact that she wasn't on the date was pretty extreme.
In my head, I thought, "She's young. She's 21...she's still learning."
Her age popped up on the screen a little later.
SHE IS 26 YEARS OLD.
She is in her mid to late twenties.
Anyway Jade went on the date.
It was cute.
Kinda boring but in a good way.
I always think that if a date is boring because they're having normal conversations then it's all good.
The date was sponsored by the new Cinderella movie (which---who knew?)
so naturally the cheese was flowing through the date.
Including the one glass slipper.
Add glass shoes to my Oh No No list.
I would crush those shoes, either from clumsiness or because I walk like a football player.
I would have shards of glass in my feet for weeks.
Meanwhile back at home, Ashley I. is wearing a princess date dress and stomping around the house throwing a fit, while everyone else is eating corn on the cob.
I'm gonna be honest...I would have preferred a corn on the cob date more than a princess date.
That stuff is delicious.
The final group date is with Carly, Britt, Jillian, Becca, and this girl:
|Who are you?|
They have to wear wedding dresses, take a plane, and do an obstacle course (to raise awareness for MS).
The winner of the obstacle course gets to spend more time in San Fransisco with Chris, while the other ladies have to go home.
Once Jillian hears the word "competition" she is off and wins the whole thing in about 5ish minutes.
Meanwhile, Becca is holding hands with Chris walking through the whole thing.
She real smart.
At the finish line Jillian is graceful and humble.
She informs us that she hadn't lifted in 4 weeks.
Jillian and I were in the same boat there.
I haven't lifted in 4....ever.
During her 1:1 time she got pretttttty drunk and talked about her fitness and then about her fitness.
She mentioned her fitness too at some point but it was mixed in with the time she was talking about her fitness.
She asked a very disturbing would you rather question:
"Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl, who is talking to her reflection with a bird in her hair, and you don't know what she has or abstain from sex for 5 years?"
I don't know about you but I usually ask:
"Would you rather not be able to tell a muffin from a baby or have endless cheeto residue on your fingers?"
She really kicked it up a disturbing notch.
Thankfully we didn't hear his answer because I don't know if we could come back from that as a nation.
After awhile you begin to think Chris isn't going to ask her to stay
and then HE REACHES FOR THE ROSE!
To then tell her that he wasn't interested.
She cried and I kinda felt bad for her.
Many felt like she was hugging Chris goodbye in the end, but really she was putting him in a sleeper hold.
During the cocktail party everyone is drunk.
Like reallllly drunk.
Megan does some weird thing with a blind fold and fruit.
I was worried the cocktail party was sponsored by "50 Shades of Grey"
Ashley I. (wearing her princess date attire) decided that she didn't explicitly tell Chris she was a virgin so she was going to just come right out and say it.
So she did.
And Chris said he respected and admired her.
And then hugged her:
Ashley took the fact that he didn't kiss her as a sign that he felt uncomfortable around her gross virgin body and that he hated her.
So she cried....
and then cried some more.
and just for good measure, cried again.
When the girls asked why she was weeping,
she told them she was a virgin and that Chris was weird about it.
The reactions they had to her....news were pretty great.
The best being Carly who said,
"Her mouths not a virgin."
Becca then chimed up and said "I am too."
She said it was a decision that she made herself and she was proud of it.
Ashley, feeling threatened by no longer being the most innocent in the house, promptly moved away from Becca and continued to sulk.
Can I just say, that at the beginning of the season when they said that Chris took a virgin into the Fantasy Suite and then Ashley I. said she was a virgin, I was so annoyed.
A couple weeks of her crazy is fine....but final 3 crazy?
No thank you.
So unless there's another one in the house....I feel more settled on the man's future that has no baring on my own life.
The last big piece of drama during the party was when Britt asked Chris why inappropriate behavior was being rewarded.
I didn't know that Chris was also training puppies.
Chris got prettyyyyy upset she questioned him
and told the women that if they were wondering about his intentions they were fine to leave.
Britt is starting to unravel a little bit.
I'm looking forward to seeing how this whole thing plays out.
At the end of the night we had to say goodbye to Ashley S.
I'm going to miss her and her amazing and I mean amazing exit.
I leave you with this: