A recap blessed with eloquence...
Normally at this point in the season I'm either:
- Annoyed that no one cares about the actual guy
-Creating an unhealthy attachment
Can you guess where I'm at so far?
If you guessed creating an unhealthy attachment you'd be correct.
(Becca for Prez.)
The drama this season is hilarious.
The editing is great, you can hear how they chopped up b-roll to fit the conversation, and the women are just straight up banana bread bonkers.
This week Chris spent most of his time digging his way out of a hole, but he's the first guy in a long time who really seems to not know what to do with 11 angry wind bags yelling at him all the time.
He lives on a farm.
He probably makes up fights with his scarecrows.
And they're probably about discrepancies in "Field of Dreams."
So even though he's a bit of a dummy when it comes to conflict management -- I love him.
Having given my State of the Union on the season thus far, let's begin the recap.
We return to the scene of the would be cocktail party, where Chris tells the women they are going straight to the rose ceremony.
Kelsey literally panics and falls on the floor.
Kelsey literally panics and falls on the floor.
The paramedic tells her that she may have to call 911 and Kelsey is all about it.
They ask her what she wants and she asks if she can talk to Chris.
That's when I heard the water boiling and knew that if there was a bunny around Kelsey was going to throw it in there.
As she waited for Chris to get there she was a laugh factory and told EMT that she was definitely going to get a rose for this.
She talks to Chris and tells him that she didn't know that he was going to reference the conversation they had and she panicked.
He was all, "
Shit. Now I have to keep you here. You look beautiful," but you could tell he just wanted to get the f out of there.
When she returned to the group she continue to be a chuckle hut and told the women she was delirious while she was having her "panic attack."
I'm letting you know right now...home girl out ran the camera, smoothed out her dress, laid on the ground, and started "crying."
If I was truly panicking about something it would probably resemble Jerry's fart attack on "Parks and Rec," not Kelsey's lame attempt to recreate her favorite Taylor Swift music video.
Ashley I was also freaking out during the whole even because she didn't have a sad story to manipulate Chris with....therefore she was going to have to do what the one thing she hoped it would never come to....sealing Kelsey's mouth shut with her best eye lash glue.
She also asked if the producers thought Kelsey was faking the dead husband story.
In fact she asked if they had seen the paperwork.
I do think that's something they make you upload with your application:
-Proof of legal residency
-Misc forms and records ex. husband's death certificate
As people prepared for the rose ceremony, they began to talk about how they didn't use their traumas to gain sympathy from Chris.
Veggie's mom said that the fact that she was a single mom who had been in a bad past relationship was sad, but she didn't exploit that.
Look I've experienced some horrific things in my day.
I have wanted Chick-fil-a so bad that I could taste the chicken biscuit and as I pulled into the parking lot I remembered...it's Sunday?
I know pain people.
I know pain.
Kelsey claims that everyone should be worried because they wasted their time.
This girl...I'll call her Cher because I still am CLUELESS as to who she is,
said she would be devastated if she got sent home.
It came down to her, Veggie's mom, and Kelsey.
One rose, 3 thorns.
Kelsey ended up walking away with it, while Kaitlin professed her wish to punch her straight in the teeth holder.
Chris says that he's excited for their next adventure: Deadwood, South Dakota!
And because it makes sense they had an old timey photo shoot:
While the women were settling in to their new hotel, Kelsey was yet again telling us how she had tied up all her loose ends (dead husbands are loose ends?) and that because she worked so hard she needed nay deserved a 1:1.
Again--I can pretend to pass out right now.
Y'all can't see me, but I've slide off my couch onto the floor, and have begun yelling at my dog like he is an EMT.
It's not hard work--in fact--the floor has helped stretch out my back.
We also find out that this is the week where there will be:
-A group date
- The dreaded 2:1
The 1:1 goes to Becca and Kelsey let's us know that she is not happy:
Becca on the other hand is pumped.
When she arrives she is told that her and Chris are going to be riding horses.
They also meet this donkey, Salt.
I would have hard passed on everything else and just asked to have a cuddle puddle with that little dude all day.
He has a blanket y'all.
He's at that date for the right reasons.
Obviously Becca is a natural on the horse and seems to be have a really fun time with Chris.
When the dinner portion of their date is at the hill billy version of the Melting Pot, she even gives him a hard time for not being the best at cooking the kabobs.
They talk about how many kids they want and Chris says 4-6 would be "cool."
I'm sure that amount is cool when you aren't their housing unit--but Becca seemed on board so whatever.
They kissed for the first time and it was perfect.
They had my favorite date of the season and I'm telling your right now -- that's my 1 seed.
Becca. For. Prez.
Back at the hotel, Whitney decides she is going to rally the girls and confront Kelsey's behavior.
Kelsey is of course, so confused because she loves the women.
She gets it though...she's blessed with eloquence and uses big words because she is smart...no wonder they are intimidated by her.
She says that she's glad that they had that conversation.
Not that she'll be more aware---just that she's glad.
Afterwards, she went to the hotel's business center to use the computer where she googled words like, "arsenic" and "cyanid."
The group date card came next and that had everyone's name on it but Kelsey and Ashley.
So if you're following along like I was that meant Ashley and Kelsey were on the 2:1.
It was in that moment I knew there was a higher power watching over me, because how else would such a treat be delivered to me?
The girls on the group date headed out to meet Chris.
There he told them that because country music was really important to him, they would be writing and performing songs for him with his special guests Big & Rich.
If you've read my recaps for the past couple of seasons you know that #1 of my "oh no nos" is being sung to in any shape or form.
Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than someone romantically singing into another person's face.
It doesn't have to be my face they're singing into.
Anyone singing at anyone is mortifying.
If you want to be romantic put on a loop of John Legend, Justin Timberlake, and that new Joe Jonas song and leave the room.
I'll get the point.
As the women go to write their
horror soundtrack love songs Britt and Chris start acting like they are on a 1:1 date.
Is it just me or does Britt love literally everything Chris does?
Because she's pretty and seemingly normal it's not as obvious as Ashley I. but I'm pretty sure that if Chris said he liked to stab people she would say she did too.
Because this date made me so uncomfortable, instead of laundry, this week I did dishes.
So here's what I did catch:
-Jade was nervous
-Kaitlin wrote a rap
-Carly sang a nice song that was allegedly meaningful, but I was essentially in my dishwasher at that point so I couldn't hear it.
-Jade overcame her fear and sang but it didn't matter because Chris ran away with Britt to a Big & Rich show where he gave her a rose on stage while everyone else sat around and waited for them.
When they returned and Britt had the rose I literally said out loud,
"Whoa...dick move bro."
He quickly left the scene of the impending riot and said he would catch them all later.
Britt told the girls that they went to a Big & Rich concert.
That's when Whitney lost it.
Leave for an hour --fine.
Go to a Big & Rich show without her---how dare you.
Whitney claimed she loved them.
No one loves Big & Rich.
Big & Rich don't love Big & Rich.
The remaining women were upset that they didn't get to spend time with Chris, while also trying to not be upset with Britt.
However it turned into a lot of them crying/ awkwardly sitting waiting for God knows what...
An Uber ride?
I think the saddest reaction was Kaitlin's.
I didn't see her ever getting emotional and she did and now it makes me like her more.
I don't know what's happening in the world.
Finally it was the show down of show downs.Ashley v. Kelsey
Ashley was pretty confident that she was going to defeat Kelsey.
She compared herself to Glenda the Good Witch.
I don't remember Glenda ever asking anyone if her clip in extensions looked natural, but I may have fast forward thru that part of the movie.
Chris started out by saying, "It's going to be awkward today."
That's when I knew he knew that we knew what he knew:
It was about to go down.
He took them to the Badlands because...duh.
But not before flying past Mount Rushmore in a helicopter.
Kelsey impressed Chris by naming all the presidents carved in the rock, while Ashley scouted locations for Mount Kardashian/Jenner.
The copter dropped them off and the date started off with a bang.
To be clear I mean--Ashley told Chris about Kelsey being fake--not like bang Kelsey shot Ashley.
Chris then went to Kelsey and told her what Ashley said.
Kelsey claimed she had no idea what was going on but that she was just being herself.
THEN Chris went who knows where---probably looking for a rattle snake to bite him--while Ashley and Kelsey are left alone.
As they sit on the weird bed I believe they borrowed from Faith Hill's "Breathe" video, Kelsey stares at Ashley like this:
She tells Ashley that she knows what she told Chris.
Here's how the rest goes down:
Ashley finds Chris...
Drags him away....
and asks him why he ratted her out.
Chris was like, "Yo--I'm just....tired."
And Ashley was like, <
And then Chris was like "I don't think I can give you the life that you want."
And then Ashley was like, "DO YOU THINK BRITT WANTS THE LIFE YOU HAVE?"
And I was all like...."whoa."
And then Chris was like ...."Is Britt here? Have you seen her?"
And then Ashley storms off expecting him to run after him, and when he doesn't she yells,
And he sighs so heavily, almost like "I'm too old for this shit..."
Hugs her and leaves her on the rock.
At home the ladies are huddled onto one small couch like their hotel room on the sinking Titanic, just waiting to see who's suitcase gets taken.
When Ashley's is removed, they all are so upset.
Not as upset as Ashley who continues to talk to herself and presumably blow her nose on all of the Badlands.
Kelsey, who feels pretty good about herself, sits and waits for Chris to return.
You can still hear Ashley crying as Chris says, "I let Ashley go."
Kelsey hugs Chris and tells him that she's sorry because Ashley leaving "is a loss."
The fact that he's outta there and there are two crazies still left on that mountain lead me to believe that they may just live there now.
My favorite part of the whole night was when the women at the hotel hear the door open again, and they take away Kelsey's suitcase.
Their reaction was amazing:
Kelsey said she's above it and measurably blessed and that she will carry on.
One second later they flash back to the hotel room, as the women are getting drunk and toasting how, and I quote, "measurably blessed" they all are that she's gone.
This season is everything I love about this stupid show...
What did you think?
Can you not even contain your excitement for the 2 night bonanza Sunday & Monday?
Tell me errything.