Feb 4, 2015

Balloons, Baths, and Butt Hypothermia...


This week Chris and the ladies were on the move...

 and according to Megan they were going out of the country to the island of New Mexico.
Here she is letting us know that she's wearing her "thinking cap"
She should probably just call it a cap...


The women made this super clever toast:
"hey hey hey hey here's to falling in love in Santa Fe...."

Megan immediately started searching for Santa, while Ashley I. started sobbing and asking "Who the f$#k is Fey?!"

The first 1:1 is with Carly. 
She's a little Jan Brady sometimes but all in all seems cool.

Chris tells us that they have a good friendship but was looking to see if there was a romantic connection.

 As the fcurrent mayor of Friendzonevania, I prayed she would make it out of their alive. 

(But seriously, Proflowers reached out to me to take a Bachelor compatibility quiz to see if Chris and I were meant to be and I got a 55%...)
Cuts me deep.
Anyway...cue the pan flute, because it is time to recap this date. 

Chris informed her that they were going to an intimacy/love guru. 
Because nothing says "perfect date" more than basing a date around a failed Mike Meyers movie. 
Did you know Justin Timberlake was in it? Because I did not.

After searching through the house for this mysterious expert we are introduced to:

I believe we can all agree that her real name is probably Leslie Johnson.

This date was so uncomfortable that I had to fold my laundry in order to not to make eye contact with the screen. 

You know things are bad when folding clothes becomes a safe haven. 

They were told to feel each other up with their eyes closed. 

And then had to do a breathing exercise that was really just Chris snoring into Carly's mouth. 
I do not know how or why that was a thing that had to happen during a date, but it did. 
It did folks. 
We can't unsee it. 

Carly later talked to Chris about the fact that her last boyfriend wasn't into her. 
She said that intimacy wasn't really something she's ever had. 
Which was sad because she's really adorable.

They had a real conversation, she got a rose, and everyone ignored the cheese plate that looked like it was sent straight from heaven.
That cheese is not feeling very needed right now folks.

Back at the hotel, the date card arrives, and once again Kelsey is on the group date. 
She decides it's time to tell her story of how she became a widow. 
Her husband Sanderson, was walking to work one day, and then died.
She couldn't remember from what, and that the doctors couldn't understand it either. 
Veggie's mom knew what did it:
Aliens.

Kelsey says she doesn't feel special being on the group date. 
But she was going to go...because she's strong. 

I don't doubt that her story is tragic. 
However, maybe don't tell us how we're supposed to pull for you because of your story. 
Let us make that decision on our own. 


The group date was white water rafting.
Chris introduced their captain, Sisqo. 
My head shot up expecting this:

But was disappointed when it was just a lumpy old man. 

He gave them the run down that they were probably all going to die, but to have fun!

There were two boats, and some how Ashley I. managed to be right next to Chris yet again. 
At one point Jade fell in. 

Everyone gets worried because Jade doesn't do well with being cold. 
She casually gets hypothermia pretty easily, or as real physicians call it: Titanicitis. 

Jade Frost's medical issue brought her some extra love and affection from Chris who tried really hard to warm her up. 
This sent the women into a frenzy/ wishing they had some rare disease.
Vegetable's mom specifically wished for butt hypothermia....you know so that Chris could rub it. 
She's a mother. 

Everyone dried off, checked to make sure Jade had all of her digits, kissed Sisqo goodbye, and made their way back to the hotel for a party. 

As Chris was walking thru the lobby, a woman stopped him. 
Remember Jordan? 
You know the really drunk one? 
Still not ringing a bell? 
That makes sense because she was let go 4 weeks ago. 

Jordan FOUND OUT where they were going to be and drove from Colorado to tell Chris how bad she felt, and was hoping he'd give her a second chance. 

Remember that astronaut that drove from Texas to Florida, wearing Depends, to kidnap another astronaut who was dating her ex?
I was gettin' that vibe a little bit.


Chris brought her to the party and everyone was super pumped to see her. 
Just kidding. 
Ashley I's literal reaction can be found below:


While Whitney did her best to squeak out a friendly hello, Ashley I said that the "top 11" (is that a thing) should be selfish and should not be nice to Jordan. 

Whitney tells Ashley to chill out. 
She says that no one is glad that she might be back, but they don't have to be rude to her. 
Ashley throws a pretty Gretchen Weiners type fit, and I was about to bet a dollar that she was going to say they should all just stab Caesar. 

Chris talks to all of the girls, and they're all pretty annoyed. 

Finally Chris realizes that it's not fair for Jordan to come back and sends her home. 
But if I were Chris, I'd do a thorough check of the corn fields when he gets back. 
Something tells me she doesn't think New Mexico to Iowa is that far of a drive. 

He gives the rose to Whitney, and Ashley loses it yet again. 
I believe her words were something like, 
"Whitney is the last person I want to get the rose. Especially after I just had that fight with her." 

Whitney says that she doesn't think Ashley is a nice girl. 
I don't know what tipped her off. 
Was it that she storms out of a room more than a 13 year old girl?
Or that she thinks that being mean to someone is a good way to communicate feelings?

Back in the room Ashley is snuggling with Veggie's mom and tries to gossip. 
Veggie's mom shuts her down almost immediately, saying Whitney has never done anything to Ashley. 
It made me have a little respect for her. 
A little. 

While all of the drama was happening in the hotel lobby, Britt receives her first one on one date. 
Turns out she's terrified of heights. 
And the shower. 
To be clear this is what Britt looks like without showering for days: 

This is how I look before, during, and after a shower:

Apparently she sleeps in make up and is really a messy dirty person. 
Maybe she's like that girl Ross dates on "Friends"...
The one that's really pretty and nice, seemingly perfect, but then he goes to her apartment and it's like:

Chris walks in at 4:30am.
When he  gets into the room, he shushes Carly, and goes to wake up Britt.

I took that as, don't worry about it Carly, go to sleep, it's ok.



Carly took that as, "CLOSE YOUR EYES PEASANT AND LOOK AWAY I'M ABOUT TO MAKE OUT WITH MY QUEEN."

 They kiss, and Britt runs around to get ready. 
It's not the coolest move, but when you all sleep 5 to a room, and are dating the same guy...awkward things happen. 



Britt is freaking out that they're going to jump off a cliff, but is pleasantly surprised when they end up riding around the mountains in a balloon only controlled by hot fire. 
Turns out her fear of heights is very selective.


Later they go back to Chris's hotel room.

She tells him she wants a lot of kids. 
And then he closes the door and they "rest."

Before Britt comes back the women start to turn on her. 
Apparently Britt doesn't want to get married, and doesn't want any kids. 
I knew it was too good to be true. 

 Britt  returns, and tells them about the date and how she spent two hours in his room. 
And that they took a...nap. 
Becca's face was by far the best:

Based on that nugget of info, Kelsey decides to kick it up a notch, and tell Chris her story. 
As she makes her way to the room, all I could hear was the Wicked Witch of the West's music...

 She kept saying how Chris was going to fall in love with her, and for a minute I kinda felt like we were going to watch him get like voodoo hypnotized.

Kelsey tells him she doesn't have bad news but that she wanted to just get some one on one time with him. 
Also her husband died.
She told him that every moment is precious and then they kiss. 
Because nothing gets you in the mood for love like talking about your husband's tragic death.
She then kissed him on his nose and claimed that everything was over because he made his decision.


 When she kissed the tip of his nose, I gasped so loud. 
It was so eery and uncomfortable, I just wanted to yell out, 
"Get outta there Chris! The call is coming from inside the house!"

Afterwards she said"Hell yeah I'm getting a rose!" 
And went on to talk about how this isn't just Chris's love story...it's also her's.
It was a chance for America to see a woman who came from a tragic situation and fall in love again. 
I was super conflicted. 
She's either really coped with things and is a confident person or she is a straight up crazy.

I found myself trying to work through what her grief must have been like...and then I realized I'm too invested in this damn show.

My inner conflict about Kelsey went away soon after the rose ceremony started.

This girl....(who she is I have yet to figure out...)
says she hasn't gotten any one on one time and that's stressful for her.
Ashley says she's also nervous and points out that Kelsey, Ashley, and Veggie's mom must also be feeling the same, since they didn't get a lot of time with him. 

That's when Kelsey proclaims she is confident. 

Chris comes out and gives a weird speech and is kind of shaken up.

He references some private time with Kelsey and everyone grows suspicious.
He leaves to talk to his keeper, other Chris, about what's going on. 

Kelsey says she didn't tell the group about her private time to protect them from an awkward situation. 
She tells them that everyone moment is precious and that she has to say good by to people...well that she's not going...but will have to say goodbye.
I honestly believe she thought that she had convinced Chris to marry her during their talk. 

When it becomes clear that their won't be a rose ceremony, Kelsey, sensing her plan didn't work had a "panic attack."


We're left with a be continued....

I'm a little confused as to what's going on but I feel like the level of crazy is escalating a little too quickly. 
Way too many schemers. 
I'm not into it. 
Give me old fashion crazy (Ashley S.) any day. 

My prediction is that the top 4 will be: 
Jade
Whitney
Kaitlyn 
Becca

I'm worried Kelsey and Britt stay for far too long. 
My other fear is that I'm worried...because I don't know any of these people.

What were your thoughts?
How compatible are you with Chris?
Gimme the scoop! 

21 comments:

  1. Your recaps totally add to the guilty pleasure of watching the show. Kelsey is crazy though I read somewhere (maybe on Reality steve) someone suggested that the part where she was talking about her "love story" in the third person was possibly her being sarcastic and the producers used it and cut it so it seemed serious.. I don't know. I just don't buy that Britt isn't on there just to be the Bachelorette and to help her acting career. Personally I'd rather see Kaitlyn as the Bachelorette over Britt anyday.

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  2. Haha I love your Bachelor recaps bc yea the crazy has escalated a bit fast this season. Yet I still watch it religiously so what does that say about me haha. Becca for the win! Well no, not the win, for the next bachelorette b/c as the show goes on I'm not sure I like Chris as much :/

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  3. That Undertaker .gif was the best thing ever. Eerily accurate. Next weeks recap all wrestling reaction gifs?

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  4. Ashley I's parents have a LOT to answer for.

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  5. No joke, Kelsey scares the shit out of me. Like, maybe she would shove Chris in a hole and give him some lotion to later make a skin suit out of him crazy. I found it incredibly disturbing when she was telling him about her dead husband and putting it as "I have to tell him my story." I would hardly refer to my husband's death as a "story." I feel terrible for her bc I can't imagine, but I'm worried. And I don't know these people either!
    It's like the producers felt they needed to considerably amp up the drama so they went to find a cast that's 50% normal (ish) and 50% batshit crazy.

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  6. Kelsey was so super creepy this episode and I'm pretty convinced that she's actually a sociopath...and her husband's "mysterious" death...maybe not so mysterious? 75% compatible with Chris.

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  7. Hi Ashley J.,

    This IS Kelsey. Love your blog.. See you soon.

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  8. This was so funny! I wish Chris knew it's not normal to look like that in the morning...anytime I sleep in my makeup I wake up with blood shot crusty eyes, gross. I think she pulled a "Bridesmaids" and got up up just before that to "freshen up" and pretended. If not, I want to know what makeup she uses. And if she really never showers I want to know what dry shampoo she uses. Kelsey is all kinds of whacky...can't wait to see the crazy keep unfolding! Love your recaps!

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  9. I have not watched the Bachelor in years (or much real t.v. at all for that matter) but your recaps are my guilty pleasure every week! So great

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