Jan 14, 2016

Bachelor High

This week was certainly a treat.
Ben continued to reign supreme as the, "greatest man on the planet in history."
(Thanks Mary-Kate or Ashley for your wise words.)
"you're welcome."

This is the second time in two weeks we've started with Ben taking us back to high school.
Instead of Indiana, this week, the women went straight to Bachelor High. 
The school resembled the one in "Mean Girls" and it kinda was a little like a mini reboot. 
Chris Harrison starred as the principal, and although he was all smiles here:
I was pretty positive he was going to end up here: 
via
The key to the date was that women would pair up and complete each task in the classrooms. 
The final team would "win" and be homecoming queen. 
The first class was science, where they talked a lot about Ben's erupting volcano. 
We get it...ok....we just....we get it. 
The women had to mix all the ingredients to a perfect relationship and whoever was left in the dust couldn't move forward.
 Lace and Jubilee were out the first round and naturally Lace began to Gretchen Weiners it up. 

Next up was my favorite class of all time: 
Lunch. 
The women had to bob for apples. 
They kept making fun of one of the women (probably a Lauren) for not being good with her mouth and losing the contest. 
Maybe it was because they were all in high school but the sexual innuendos were a little overdone. 
They would look at each other and say, 
"She's not good with her mouth...GET IT?"
"No but like....do you GET IT?" 
Insert overly dramatic eye roll here. 
Also I don't know if you have ever bobbed for apples but it is really hard. 
So they just needed to LEAVE HER ALONE.
Perhaps I have some apple bobbing demons I have yet to let go of...I'll reflect on that later.
 Probably journal about it. 

Next up was History, where they had to put state of Indiana on the map properly. 
No one got it right...and yes, maybe Becca's team did place Indiana where Pennsylvania actually is. 
But in her defense she spent the better part of last year learning everything there was to know about Arlington, Iowa. 
So give her a break. 

Gym was the final test. 
While I feel like the shuttle run and a flex armed hang would have been the best test of their abilities, each woman on the team had to make a basket. 
Amber and the Dentist were the final two. 
Of course there couldn't be two Homecoming Queens, so naturally they had to jump hurdles to win Ben's heart. 
The Dentist won, and Ben gave her his letter jacket, a crown, and a sash. 
My "Mean Girls" theory would have been complete had she broken up her crown and tossed it to everyone in the crowd, but she took that bad boy and rode in a car with Ben without a second thought. 

The others were thrilled.

In the evening portion of the date, Lace becomes Fringe when she pulls Ben aside 2-3 times to remind how not crazy she is. 
Because she's not crazy you guys.
She's not. 
TELL HER YOU KNOW SHE'S NOT CRAZY. 
During one of her many encounters, she claims that her and Ben were actually
eye f&*king. 
Which seems unrealistic as he does everything he can to not look directly at her. 

Becca showed off her skills, and if being on this show doesn't work out for her, she should at least try out for the WNBA because she nailed every shot. 
As I say every week: Becca for President.


Ben also talked to Jubilee about her being adopted and her time in an orphanage.
Later he took Jojo to the roof top and they had a moment, not an orphanage disclosure moment, but a moment. 
When giving out the group date rose, he basically said, 
"Jubilee thank you for sharing about your life. It meant a lot. Jojo you went to the roof with me. Please accept this rose."
  
At home the date card arrived for the one on one. 
Olivia, who reminds me of every character from "Laguna Beach," was positive that she was going to be the one on that date. 

When the card arrived she was so excited with anticipation that she unhinged her jaw and ate that entire mini house in front of the women. 
Just kidding...
But doesn't it look like when she opens her mouth a giant swarm of bees is about to come out? 

You can imagine her surprise when instead of her name being on the card it was Chick Flick who got the date. 
Her only recourse was to swallow the poor girl whole. 

Chick Flick and Ben were going on a date totally planned by Chris Harrison and two special friends: 
Ice Cube & Kevin Hart....because promotions. 

To be honest the date was....meh.
Kevin Hart and Ice Cube were funny but Ben and CF weren't really vibing with them the way Katelyn and Chris did with Jimmy Kimmel on their Costco date.

Although they did get some time in a hot tub...store. 

The evening portion of their date was sweet. 
She seemed pretty normal(ish) and they got to dance along to Amos Lee (a grade A babe).
Ben sang to her which made me want to die. 
Not because it was gross, just because someone singing into my face is a huge fear. 
That and playing charades. 
And audibly farting during a presentation. 
But this isn't about me. 

The final group date was in the Love Lab. 
Dr. Love greeted them at the door and asked if they wanted to play a game 

were ready to see how compatible they were with Ben. 
The women dressed in all white, and made to do experiments to see how compatible they were to Ben based on science. 
The person with the highest and lowest scores would be announced.
Somehow still a babe...
First, the women had to work out and then Ben had to smell them. 
It ended up looking like the most unconventional Febreeze commercial ever.


Then they had to stare at each other and see thermally how they reacted to each other. 
Olivia, convinced that she already had everything in the bag, tried so hard to flirt and kiss him in front of the other women. 


The highest scorer was of course Mouth and unfortunatley the lowest score was Sam, a sweet little nugget, who sadly smelled sweet and sour. 

During the evening portion of the date Ben took the Mouth aside first and brought her to his room. 
They made out and she told him how close she already felt to him. 
She told the camera that she was Mrs. Higgins, and that they should cancel the show. 
When she came back and the women asked how it went she said she didn't want to talk about it, because it was private. 


Amanda told Ben that she had two little girls. 
Ben was like, "Great, then we would be a family!"

Not-so Dramatic Reenactment of me in that moment: 

My personal stand out lady from the night was our Russian friend Shushshshshshshanna.
Homegirl was the only one to eat during the whole night. 
You the real MVP.

As the date ended, Ben did another summary of everyone's stories:
"Amanda, thank you so much for sharing about your family. It meant a lot. Olivia, will you accept this rose." 
Olivia did the classic, "Oh my gosh, me?" reaction and the world dry heaved. 

Leading up to the Rose Ceremony, Olivia said she had it in the bag. That she didn't even know what a Rose Ceremony was like because she already was taken care of...
It's week two girl. Hang tight. 
However, when the cocktail party started she was the first one to pull Ben aside and take time with him. 
When she returned to the group of ladies she said,
"Now that I'm done, you can all go ahead." 
I started thinking that maybe she wasn't every cast member of "Laguna Beach"...but instead, "The Hills..." that have eyes. 

Lace continued to flutter around telling everyone how not crazy she was. 
But the one thing I did think was pretty rad, was when she pulled Olivia aside and asked to get to know her...only to tell her she sucked. 
Lace may not have herself together, but I thought, "I like her..." 
 Where she lost me again was when she told Ben that the reason she was so nervous around him was because she used to have frizzy hair. 
Girl. Get in line. 
My friend Shauna, said it best on Twitter:
Preach.

 In my opinion the best part of the night was when Ben took Amanda aside. 
He told her that it meant a lot for her to open up about her kids.
So he got out a hot glue gun, some roses, and hair clips, and asked if they could craft some berets for them.
Did a producer help come up with that idea?
Maybe.
Was it the most precious thing I've ever seen on this show?
Triple Yep.

The rose ceremony itself was a snooze. 
The saddest part that Sweet & Sour Sam didn't get a rose and couldn't keep it together enough to talk to the cameras. 
We'll see her in Paradise I'm sure. 

What are your thoughts? 
Is Olivia actually the worst? 
And most importantly:
How many grapes do you think she can she fit in her mouth? 

 images via abc.com & giphy.com

19 comments:

  1. Long time lurker, first time commenter. And all I have to say is:

    This is your life's calling! NEVER stop writing these!!!

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  2. I second lindsay's comment above. I haven't ever watched the show but I'm just weirdly obsessed with your recaps. I am thinking about watching this season though because it will only make the recaps more funny. Thanks for writing them though. Seriously. You're the best!

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  3. I'm so incredibly excited you're back!!! I watch the show with dedication, but I am just as addicted to your recaps!!!! You crack me up, thank you for this!

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  4. I'm with you on disliking Olivia's overly confident arrogance. I hate how she thinks they are telepathically communicating. She read into his "squeezing her waist" during the rose ceremony in the next episode. :(

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  5. Olivia is the worst - or just being portrayed really poorly... Anyway - your recaps crack me up! Great reading during my lunch...

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