Jan 6, 2016

It's Ben A Long Time....

Shouldn't have left you....without a dope beat to step to...

Get it...Ben a long time....?
Y'all buckle in, it's only the first episode and I'm bringing the cheese FULL FORCE.

Before we get started let me just say that I'm excited to be back to blogging again.
There's been a lot going on the past 5 months but I'm back and I'm ready to for a new season of cuckoo bananas broads and Ben Higgins.

Yo.
Ben is presh.
He rocks the boy band stance like no one else. 

They are pushing the "good guy from a small town" image real hard just like they did in Chris's season. 

So much so that I found myself asking...
Is that Chris's barn?

Ben said he still felt like he was unlovable, so naturally I wept.
Like have you met yourself Ben?
You're a gem.
I started writing a heart felt 140 character tweet to tell him but then...
we met his adorable parents:
If we're being honest I'd marry them. 

When Ben got to the Bachelor house he was greeted by the Ghosts of Bachelor Past.
Some might even call it an EBENezer Scrooge moment when Chris, Sean, and Jason showed up to instill their wisdom and help him in his Bachelorhood.

Chris was like, "I have a tractor."
Sean was a successful "after" picture of a lonely guy.
Jason told him, "to make sure everyone had a great experience."
You know like, picking the wrong girl and dumping her on live national TV.
The basics.

Throughout his introduction it was pretty clear that we've got a crier on our hands. 
Usually male tears make me nervous, because gender norms, but I will see him through this journey. 

Let's get to the women's introductions.
As kind of a habit, and because I can only remember 2 Lauren's at a time, I never truly remember names until further into the season.

A Lauren showed up and is a flight attendant, or a teacher...there are 81 Lauren's this time around so she could be a flame thrower or a murderer.


Chick-Flick:
Chick Flick met her boyfriend on a plane and then saw each other on the street in the city a week later. 
Then, after a year of dating she started to doubt their relationship. 
 She was sitting on the couch with him, she saw Ben, and she felt butterflies. 
She said she had never felt butterflies for a person on television before,
 that's how she knew it was real. 
If I took every person on television I fell in love with seriously, I would have had more weddings than a soap opera character. 
Looking at you Pacey Witter:
And Denny Duquette....
And Shawn B....
And Jim Halpert...
And Matt Saracen....
And Nathan Scott....
And definitely you Tim Riggins...

I'm a little concerned she's more into a "Notebook" kinda love but whatever...if she's a bird Ben's a bird. 
She also launched herself at Ben with confidence that he would catch her. 

Instead of charging a man like a water buffalo, my introduction would go like this:
"Hey. I'm Ashley. I like you already. I'm gonna sweat a lot inside. Look passed that. I make a mean buffalo chicken dip."


Jubilee (is her actual name) seemed cool. 
She's a war veteran and on a mission to capture Ben's heart. 

Let's talk about the Dentist.

The flaming bagpipes were immediately off putting and the only thing that came to mind was this:



She's weird. She knows it and she wants you to know it and feel weird about it.
She also always looks different.
Do you remember that Seinfeld episode where he dates that lady and every time he looks at her she either looks young or really old depending on what light she's in?

That's the Dentist.
Maybe the gigantic rose she wore cast some odd shadows but it was off putting.
She's attractive...but she may be 53 or 23....or 1000. 

There's the twins: Mary-Kate and Ashley. 
They claim to be able to finish each other's sentences but it was never proven. 
They also claimed that dating twins was every guy's fantasy. 
I don't think it's the dating of twins...

For this next one...please make sure you're sitting down.
We've had a "free spirit."
A "dog lover."
Now we have a "chicken enthusiast."

She has framed pics of all her chickens.
Hopefully the one on the right is named Elvis.

She also has one true love: Sheila.

You can tell Sheila is really not into being a third wheel.
But she should really suck it up and be her WINGMAN.

The lawyer who asked Ben:
"Boxers or Legal Briefs..."

He picked legal briefs.
Uh terrible idea Ben, have fun in Paper Cut City.

A girl named Lace in lace showed up and kissed him as her first impression so she's clearly the conductor of the crazy train and I LOVE IT.
She's going to be excellent to watch, until she flips her shit in a hot air balloon and gets sent home. 

One girl claimed to be a stalker.
First rule of being a stalker...don't say you're a stalker.

There's a Russian woman who only speaks Russian.
Reading subtitles will help us all feel like we're watching a fancy foreign film instead of women crying in rhinestones riding in limos.

One girl hiked a football but looked like she was about to pee in the driveway, which we all know has happened more than twice at that place.

A red head insisted on being called, "Red Velvet."

Then in the distance you heard the clip clop of hoofs on the ground.
"A full grown horse?" you probably thought, "Old news."
Neigh my friend.
It was a LIL' SEBASTIAN!
So I'm really hoping he wins.

One girl committed a crime and literally broke bread on the ground because, "gluten is Satan."
I'm sorry...have you been to Olive Garden?
To be honest, that bread was going to come in clutch for some of the drunkies inside.

Someone showed up in a onesie because Ben was the onesie for her.
Genius.

Another gave him an invitation to their wedding.
Unfortunately for that moment, she had to order 200 so hopefully it all works out.

After the women were all inside, Ben called his parents, and called his dad "big guy."
Naturally America wept from the cuteness.

As Ben went inside to meet and talk to the women Chris Harrison lit things on fire in the driveway to feel in control...

and to wait for Becca and Amber from Chris's season.
That's right:
BECCA IS BACKKKKKKKK.
She's my favorite of all time and if she doesn't make it to the end she needs to be the Bachelorette.
Not that I'm biased.

When they walked in everyone was so offended that they were given a second chance.
You know how they say you can tell someone's true character by how they treat a waiter or waitress?
That's how I judged the girls in their treatment of Becca.
Irrational?
Yes.
Necessary?
No.

Ben seemed shocked and overwhelmed by the addition of two more but didn't send them packing.
Score.

The drunkness really ramped up quickly inside.
Women were pulling Ben aside more than once which is numero uno offense on this show.
The Dentist tried to check his back molars like he was a show pony...probably to make Lil' Sebastian jealous.
Lace cried the whole night because Ben wouldn't look at her.
With the amount of booze in her system I don't know how she could tell.

During the rose ceremony that took forever...

Lace was freaking out because of the no eye contact, but nabbed the last rose.

After the ceremony and the champagne toast, she pulled him aside and said that she was worried he wasn't going to pick her because he didn't make eye contact. 

Ben did the best thing ever, and made her look even crazier by saying:
"To be clear...you're upset because I didn't look at you during the rose ceremony?"
"I have made a terrible mistake."
She's going to be the gift that keeps on giving.

Overall, there were a lot of baby voices and a lot of feelings.
But it wasn't boring.
I think it's going to be a goodie.

What did I miss?
Who were your favs?
Tell me everything! 

7 comments:

  1. I was kinda surprised he gave the first impression rose to the tv quitter chick. I thought Flight Attendant was gonna get it....And yea, Becca shouldn't be on this season I want her as the Bachelorette!! Also Amber? Am I the only one who thinks she was an odd addition?

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    1. I think Becca will get far enough to be the next bachelorette! She needs to warm up a little and show them she actually wants to find someone. Then I see her being next :)

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  2. I feel like I only watch the Bachelor for your recaps. Specifically the totally on-point nicknames you have for everyone.

    Chick flick? yes. just yes.
    I think first impression rose girl should be "Teeth." Her smiling was aggressive.

    "Overall, there were a lot of baby voices and a lot of feelings."

    So excited to follow along another season with you Jones!

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  3. I second that - the best part of Bachelor is that you're back with all things delightfully disgusting from the season. Yes. Just Yes!!!

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  4. SOOOOOOO happy you are back with the recaps. My whole office loves your posts and that is what we talk about at lunch. Yep, creepy. Yay!

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